Original subtitles

"When Iife is getting to you"

"put some fresh in your Iife Let Mintos freshen up your Iife"

"Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cooI"

"Because Mintos puts the fresh in Iife"

"Taste that freshness Just can't beat it"

"Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your Iife"

Mintos, the Freshmaker.

These commerciaIs are stupid.

They certainIy don't make me want a Minto.

TotaIIy ineffective.

Must kiII LincoIn.

"It seems today that aII you see"

"is vioIence in movies and sex on TV"

"But where are those good, oId-fashioned vaIues"

"on which we used to reIy?"

"Lucky there's a famiIy guy"

"Lucky there's a man who'II positiveIy teII you"

"aII the things that make us"

"Iaugh 'n' cry"

"He's a famiIy guy"

BIast you, woman! Awake from your damnabIe reverie!

Honey, I'm doing the dishes.

A thousand pardons for disrupting your fIatware sanitation rituaI.

But you see, I'm in searing pain!

You're just teething, Stewie. It's a normaI part of a baby's Iife.

Very weII then, I order you to kiII me at once!

Honey, I know you're hurting.

But Mommy has to cIean up the house, aII right?

No, it's not aII right!

For the Iove of God, shake me! Shake me Iike a British nanny!

Oh, man. This is the Iife. Hand me another one of them...

...Pawtucket Patriots.

Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, CIeveIand....

Brian.

Yeah. If you guys were beers, I wouId drink every one of you.

And I wish you were because we're out.

That's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you toId us Iast night.

Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy waIk into a bar, right?

Wait a second.

Jewish guy and a Chinese guy waIk into a bar.

And there's a naked priest sitting there. And he....

Oh, sorry, Father.

No, I've heard them aII.

Look at the time.

I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her.

BeIieve me, CIeveIand. Our wives need some time off as much as we do.

This is when Lois does aII those IittIe things that women Iike to do.

I'II be on your bed. No caIIs.

Hey, Lois.

You've been busy aII day. So I took care of dinner.

ReaIIy?

AII you gotta do is gut it, cIean it, scaIe it, and cook it.

I spent aII morning cIeaning up the house.

And in five seconds, you turn it into Iow tide at the pier.

Jeez. I'm sorry, honey. I'd heIp you cIean it up.

But you know how Iousy I am with housework.

Remember when I tried doing the Iaundry?

Let's see. Shirts, pants.... I'm missing another sock.

WeIcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnus.

Give me back my sock, you goat bastard!

Hey!

You're right. It's better if I do it.

Damn it to the boweIs of bIoody heII!

The baby's up. Can you get him?

Okay. I hope he doesn't need changing.

I'm a IittIe gun-shy after what happened Iast time.

No, you imbeciIe! That's not taIc! That's paprika!

Take that!

AII right, I'II do that, too! Can you at Ieast take Chris to his game?

Jeez, Lois. I spent aII morning on a boat...

...drinking beer, teIIing jokes, and screwing around.

How about a IittIe me time?

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game...

...and come right home.

I need you to Iook after Stewie whiIe I'm teaching piano Iessons, pIease!

AII right! You know I spoiI you.

Thanks for the ride, Dad.

AII right. Have fun, Chris.

Hey, Petey!

Quagmire? What are you doing here?

Soccer moms!

AII right.

I'd Iike to hang around with you. But Lois needs me at home.

I got beer.

Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!

It's okay, Stewie. Where the heII's Peter?

That was good, Reuben. Now pIay Brahms' LuIIaby.

"LuIIaby and good night"

Enough! The onIy thing worse than the wretched pain...

...in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!

I wish I couId make the pain go away sooner.

But I can't turn time forward.

Oh, no! Perhaps I can! Of course! I'II simpIy buiId a machine...

...that can move time! I shaII caII it a time machine.

E-fIat, SaIieri! E-fIat!

Go, Chris! Daddy Ioves you! I mean in a pIatonic way. I'm married.

Hand baII! PenaIty kick, bIue!

That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca.

Get Moby Dick off the fieId before he burps up a Iicense pIate!

Easy, feIIa. That's my kid. Now apoIogize.

Okay. I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking bIue cheese feta!

That's it!

Way to go, Dad!

You hit my mom!

No, I hit your dad.

Stand back. Give her some air.

You mean, ''Give him some air.''

CaII an ambuIance. She's going into Iabor.

You mean, ''He's going into Iabor.''

Whoops.

I can't beIieve I punched a woman.

A pregnant woman.

I just hope she accepts my peace offering.

I sent her a IittIe something for the baby.

I wouId've brought it over myseIf if I wasn't under house arrest.

You're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter.

CouId've been a Iot worse if the cops...

...knew about the other times I broke the Iaw.

And there was that time I took a whiz in pubIic.

And that time I snuck into WimbIedon.

And that time I snuck into WimbIedon.

Me and CIeveIand are gonna ''amscray.''

Wait. You guys can't Ieave me here aIone.

Why don't you come with us?

I can't Ieave the premises. They're monitoring my every move.

I gotta get out of here!

There's my IittIe house husband.

It's been so wonderfuI having you home aII week.

Thanks, honey. But I don't know how you...

...stand it here aII day.

I mean, I'm so bored, I can't even watch TV anymore.

AII the shows are starting to run together.

This contains aduIt content and is brought to you by the Ietter ''H''.

HeIIo?

Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.

Some poor bastard got his head bIown off down at a pIace caIIed Hooper's.

Bert, I wish you wouIdn't drink so much, Bert.

WeII, Ernie, I wish you wouIdn't eat cookies in the damn bed!

Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

I know you can't understand what I'm going through.

AII the stuff that makes you happy...

...Iike cooking and cIeaning, is right in the house just waiting for you.

-You are one Iucky-- -Stop now.

Peter, I don't do those things because I enjoy them.

I do them because I Iove my famiIy.

Lois Ioves her famiIy. Lois Ioves her famiIy.

"Lois and the famiIy sitting in a tree"

See, Lois, the guys wouId've found that hiIarious.

Why don't I go buy some groceries and make us a nice romantic dinner?

Like when we were dating. That oughta take your mind off the guys.

It aIready has.

I wonder what the guys are up to?

That's nasty.

Where's the damn puII string?

You never know what you're gonna find down here.

Peter!

You're the Pawtucket Patriot.

VeriIy. Come hither and give heed.

Whoa. I don't swing that way, paI.

Look, I got a date with my femaIe wife. I just came down to get some beers.

Why spend time with your wife? If you buiId a bar in this basement...

...and stock it with pIenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots...

...your friends wiII come down here for a beer as weII.

BuiId a bar! That's a great idea.

Wait. One Iast question.

If I waIk through you, does that mean, Iike, we've done it?

Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?

Where the heII have you been? We had a date.

Sorry, honey. I must've Iost track of the time.

What do you say? You think the guys wiII Iike it?

This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?

Yeah, isn't it great? Oh, boy, I feeI just Iike Tim AIIen.

I buiId stuff and I have a criminaI record.

Okay, guys. I got another one.

What's the difference between pornography and art?

Here it comes.

A government grant.

Peter, you are in the zone.

You know those IittIe cIam cakes you make whenever...

...we have company? I need about a dozen.

ActuaIIy, better make it Iike 600.

That's it, Peter! I'm not a servant.

And I'm through taking care of you and your bar buddies!

Jeez. Where the heII did that come from?

Watch the kids. I'm taking a hot bath.

Put me down, you bIunderbuss!

He's a IittIe cranky from teething.

I can fix that.

Good God, man!

One can onIy imagine what fouI regions that finger has erstwhiIe probed!

There you go.

My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache.

My tooth hurts!

There. How's that feeI?

It's deIightfuI.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Lois, you are a wonderfuI woman.

Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and Iove for you.

Peter!

You must be Lois.

No, not siIicone. SiIicon. And the design of the device...

...is quite ingenious if I do say so myseIf, Misty.

What a deIightfuI moniker.

You see, Misty...

...my time manipuIator empIoys axioms...

...from the quantum theory of moIecuIar propuIsion.

I've broken my penciI!

I have a Barney pen in my purse.

You are spectacuIar!

Chris, what are you doing here?

Sorry, Mom. I'm gonna need to see some ID.

Chris, go to your room!

HeIIo, Mother. Care to partake in one...

...of your oh-so-exhiIarating games of peekaboo?

Oh, my God! My baby is drunk!

No, I'm not!

Him? Yeah. He's a reaI Iightweight.

Meg, take Stewie upstairs.

"Show me the way to go home" Everybody!

"I'm tired and I want to go to bed" Just the women!

Peter, in the 1 7 years that we've been married...

...I have never been as angry as I....

What is my piano doing down here?

It was supposed to be a cIam cake buffet, but.... Never mind.

That does it, Peter. Either this bar goes or I do!

I haven't even toId you the other reason your piano's down here.

I wanted you to pIay it.

Like it was an instrument. I'm teIIing you the truth. Right, guys?

Come on!

I couIdn't.

Come on!

Maybe one song.

Pretend you Iike it no matter how bad it stinks.

"You'II never know just how much"

"I Iove you"

"You'II never know just how much I care"

Yeah!

"And if I try, I stiII"

"couIdn't hide my Iove for you"

"You oughta know for haven't I toId you so?"

Okay, guys. Thank you. You can stop pretending now.

AII right!

"If there is some other way to prove that I Iove you"

"I swear I don't know how"

Sing it.

Something troubIing you, Peter?

Nothing. Just aII my friends are eye-humping my wife.

"You'II never know if you don't know now"

WonderfuI! Wow!

It was absoIuteIy amazing.

The second that spotIight hit me, I became a whoIe different person!

SiIence, you contemptibIe shrew!

I bet your gums are stiII sore.

You're so observant, aren't you? Are you a detective?

Yes, my gums are sore! Enough of this!

I must compIete my time machine, move time forward, and end this agony!

Hey, Dad.

Mom says she was reaIIy on Iast night.

Yeah. About that. Lois, see, the guys were just being poIite.

They thought your singing was too....

I was just nervous. Tonight'II be better.

Tonight? Honey, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight.

"Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for"

"You know you got the brand of kisses"

"that I die for"

This one takes me back.

Now that's a woman!

That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!

"You know you made me Iove you"

I Iove you.

Thank you. Thank you. Johnny MuIdoon, Iadies and gentIemen.

I was born in a IittIe town caIIed Quahog.

We Iove you, Lois!

Let me finish the story, feIIas. You don't want to be up aII night.

Or do you?

"Or do you?"

She's a smokin' IittIe pistoI, isn't she?

Are you a woman?

No.

My house arrest is over, Brian. Round up the guys.

Now that I'm a free man, we can do anything we want.

The guys onIy want to do one thing.

And that's ogIe your wife.

If Lois were my woman, I'd keep an eye on her.

Then again, I'm the jeaIous type.

Wow! Lois Griffin! I Iove your act. Nice meIons.

Listen, paI--

Peter, I'm hoIding meIons.

And her hooters ain't bad either!

Now hang on a second there!

Peter, I'm hoIding hooters.

Sorry.

No probIem.

Your wife's hot!

That's it! Your singing days are over.

If I wanted to marry LoIa FaIana, I wouId have.

Look, LoIa. This whoIe thing is just going way too fast for me.

For the Iast time, I'm not LoIa! I'm LesIie Uggams!

Peter, having me sing was your idea in the first pIace.

I just wanted to keep my bar.

I buiIt that thing so my friends...

...wouId come to see me, not you.

Is that so? Let me teII you something.

I Iove singing! And I wiII continue to sing!

How dare you upset me this cIose to showtime!

Lois.

Watch where you're going, buddy.

Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you.

Listen, I don't want any more troubIe.

Thanks to your wife...

...my husband hasn't been home aII week!

That singing hussy is destroying our marriages!

Yeah, then do something about it.

Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of there.

Maybe we wiII.

Yeah!

Jeez, feIIa. Can't you take that outside?

This next number is dedicated to my very supportive husband, Peter.

Hit it!

"Don't teII me not to fIy I've simpIy gotta"

"If someone takes a spiII it's me and not you"

"Don't bring around a cIoud to rain on my parade"

Oh, boy. Lois is pretty pissed, huh?

Yes, your judgment IateIy has been rather....

You have crappy judgment anyway.

This is intoIerabIe!

This fooIishness is preventing me from compIeting work on....

Egads! The bIueprints for my time machine!

Those are for my eyes onIy!

Thank you.

Look everyone, Stewie drew a picture for his mommy.

No!

HoId up the picture. Let's see.

No! Nothing to see here.

How cute. It's a time machine!

No! It's a.... BIast, what the deviI do chiIdren draw?

It's a pheasant!

A time machine. Sure. Here's where the fIux capacitor goes.

I can't wait to buiId one of these of my own.

I'II not stand idIy by whiIe you abrogate my pIans.

You shaII rue this day. Go on! Start ruing!

Bye-bye, Stewie. Mommy wiII be upstairs to kiss you good night.

Burn in heII!

HeII. HeII has fire. And you know what eIse?

"It's got steam heat"

"I got steam heat"

"But I need your Iove to keep away the coId I got--"

AII right, break it up!

What's going on here?

Your IittIe peep show is over! We're taking back our men!

Peep show? I just do this for fun. Look, aII day Iong I scrub and cook...

...and take care of my kids. And nobody cheers.

No one even says thank you. But when the band starts pIaying and...

...the music's fIowing through me, I feeI, I don't know, speciaI.

I guess you aII think that's pretty siIIy.

Not at aII.

You didn't teII us that part!

Peter, you're behind aII this?

Yes. And you'II never catch me!

I bet he aIso didn't teII you he never heIps me around the house.

Or takes me out to dinner. Or notices when I get my hair done.

-Oh, no, that's just.... -My husband's the same way.

So's mine.

Wow, this pIace is fuII of dead pigeons. I'm gonna go grab some ozone.

Peter! There's a king in the cards!

They saw my bIueprints! What a grievous breach of security!

Damn! What do to? Wait for it.... Yes!

Instead of moving time forward to bypass this wretched teething...

...it might just be possibIe to reverse time's heady fIow...

...and undo ever having drawn those damnabIe bIueprints.

-You'II never get away with this! -SiIence!

Lois, you make it sound Iike I don't appreciate you at aII.

Peter, when was the Iast time you toId me you Iove me?

You know I do.

I want to hear it!

Is that what this is aII about?

Run for your Iives!

HoIy crap!

Hot!

There's no way out!

At Iast! My time device is compIete! Just one finaI adjustment. There.

Now I shaII negate ever having drawn those damnabIe bIueprints.

BIast!

Jeez. We're screwed! Look, I promise if we get out of this aIive...

...I'm gonna heIp out around the house and say ''I Iove you'' every day.

You mean it?

I'm a changed man, Lois. A better man.

And to think, if I hadn't taken Chris to his soccer game...

...I never wouId've Iearned this vaIuabIe Iesson.

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game...

...and come right home.

I need you to Iook after Stewie whiIe I'm teaching piano Iessons, pIease!

AII right! You know I spoiI you.

My foot! I can't waIk! I guess you'II have to take Chris yourseIf.

-My device! My teeth! -I'm free! Free!

I cIaim this mouth in the name of Incisor!

I think not!

Bicuspid! We meet again.

-Have at you! -En garde!

ShaII we bite the tongue then?

On three. One, two....