All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S03E10 - Something Salted and Twisted (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

Pretty fancy prices here.

Yeah, well,
just so we're clear,

I'm picking up
the tab tonight.

Okay.

This is my celebration.
I invited you.

Fine.

So don't go
grabbing the check.

I won't touch the check.

I mean, if you want
to leave the tip

that would be
all right.

I could do that.

I usually leave 15%,
but if you want to leave 20...

that's your call.

Thank you.

Unless you think
it's easier

if we just
split the check.

Whatever.

Of course,
in many families

if someone is celebrating
some good news,

his brother would
insist on buying dinner.

Then why don't I do that.

But I'll leave the tip.

One question.

What?

Do you have any money?

No.

I left my wallet at home.

You mean this wallet?

Oh, good, you found it.

I was looking all over.

So, uh... where
did we leave things?

You're paying,
we're splitting?

Oh, just shut up.

So anyway, what's this
good news you're celebrating?

It's a surprise.

I want to wait
till Mom gets here.

Yes, Jake, we see
the spoon on your nose.

Now stop it.

Can you do it?

I don't want
to do it.

Now behave yourself.

Oh, work with me.

Just wonderful.

You pick a restaurant
that has no valet.

I had to park
three blocks away

and then schlep here
in shoes that are not
made for walking.

I've got a blister the size
of a communion wafer,

and if Mommy doesn't get
something to drink immediately,

things are going
to get very ugly.

Let the celebration begin.

Maybe the lesson here, Mom,

is to buy shoes
that are made for walking.

Is it just me?

In a perfect world it would be.

Well, anyway,
I'm here.

So what's your
big announcement, Alan?

Jake, get that spoon
off your nose.

You don't know
where it's been.

It's been on my nose.

You really must start looking
at trade schools for the boy.

Now that we are all here,

I have some
good news to share.

This is not going to be out
on the newsstands

for a couple of days,
but I have an advance copy.

"Good doctor,
good neighbor, good guy."

Good God.

Hey, Dad,
you're famous.

Well, not really.

Well, among the readers
of the Tarzana Pennysaver

maybe a little.

Don't forget the homeless people
who make underpants out of it.

Charlie, don't
be disrespectful.

Thank you, Mom.

So how much advertising
did you have to buy

in exchange
for this puff piece?

Why do you assume
that I had to buy advertising?

Is it that hard to believe
that a local newspaper

might run a cover story

about a successful
local chiropractor?

Well, frankly, yes.

Unless the local chiropractor
shot four people to death

in a mini-mart and then
turned the weapon on himself.

You know, I get
why Charlie

has never been able
to acknowledge
my accomplishments.

He's a self-centered
hedonist

who can't get behind anyone

unless they're drunk
and bent over a pool table.

That's fair.

But my own mother...

You're... up.

Refusing to even feign interest.

I did so feign interest.

You assumed that I had
to buy advertising

to get the article.

Well, did you?

Neighborhood advertising
is a good investment.

But that is not the point.

All right, dear,
what is the point?

The point is I can't even get
a simple "attaboy"

from my own mother.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

( clearing throat )

Attaboy.

Feel better?

No, I do not feel better.

Did I not
say it right?

You know what?

Forget it.

Let's just order,
eat and get out of here.

Oh, one more of these
and please keep them coming.

I'll buy the drinks.

Unless you want
to split it with me.

*Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
*Oh.

No, Alan, what else?

I cannot believe that our mother
made us carry her to her car,

just because she had a
teeny-weeny little blister
on her foot.

Well, hopefully the next time
we have to carry her,

she'll be in a handy urn.

Oh, oh...

I'll pay for the urn
if you'll get the cremation.

Done.

Jake? Where's my son?

Right here, Dad.

Oh, oh, good.

Uh, now listen, boy,

your old dad is not
going to be here for...

Whee.

He's not going
to be here forever.

And... and when I'm gone,

I want there to be
no doubt in your mind

that I was
as proud as punch

about all of your

accomplishments.

No matter how minuscule.

Boy, you're really
plowed, aren't you?

No. Your daddy
doesn't get plowed.

He just gets
a little bzzz.

Bzzz.

Anyway,

the important thing
for you to know

is how much I love you.

You told the waiter
you loved him, too.

He was a very good waiter.

And it's also important
for you to know

that you can be
anything you want.

Anything in the world.

No, I can't.

You're right.
That's a crock.

But I love you...

And you have cheeks
like a beaver.

Now go to bed.

You know, Dad, we've been
learning about alcohol abuse

at school, and if you ever
need a new liver

you can have half of mine.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
I thought we had a deal.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dad.

Best five bucks
I ever spent.

Now come on, let's
tuck you into bed.

Why can't my mother
appreciate me?

All I wanted was once
sincere "attaboy."

Is that too much to ask?

( retching )

Attaboy.

Well, that looks like
the last of the scallops.

Now all we got to do
is wait for dessert.

Rainbow sherbet.

Oh, that should
be pretty.

You know, I have spent
my entire life

trying to please Mom,
to make her proud of me,

but no more.

I... I am done trying.

Good for you.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Nope.

You know, if you
put the seat down,

it's easier
to rest your arms.

Oh, you're right.

You are a wise man,
Charlie Harper.

I do a have few pockets
of specialized knowledge.

Some might call it wisdom.

And it seems warmer, too.

You're further away from
the cooling effect of the water.

Not to mention
the residual body heat

accrued from
thousands of ass-hours.

Wow, you've really given
a lot of thought to this.

I'm thinking
of writing a book.

And I will read it.

Thank you.

You know what I am, Charlie?

Yes.

I'm a pathological
people pleaser.

Huh. I had an entirely
different answer.

But more accurately,
I... I am a woman pleaser.

No, Alan, I am
a woman pleaser.

You're a lonely guy
speckled with vomit.

I-I-I'm not speaking physically,

I'm speaking
psycholog... logically.

With Mom,

with Judith...

with every woman
I've ever met.

I have twisted myself
in knots

just trying to get them
to like me.

My... my... my education,
my... my job,

my clothes, my car...

my very behavior,
all chosen

simply to get women
to approve of me.

And how's that
worked out for you?

They don't approve of me.

But I am going
to change, Charlie.

I am no longer going to grovel
for Mom's approval

or the approval
of any-any woman.

I am going to live

the remainder of my life
with pride

and, and a quiet, noble dignity.

But first I'll sleep
with my head in the crapper.

( toilet flushing )

( noisy chewing )

Can I make you some oatmeal?

I've got cereal.

I know.

I just thought you might
enjoy something hot...

and quiet.

No.

( chewing resumes )

Do you have a hangover?

Yeah.

Drinking that much
was a stupid thing to do.

Then why did you do it?

I don't know, Jake.

Maybe I'm just stupid.

Or maybe you just don't
apply yourself.

Will you stop talking
for a while?

Okay.

( loud crunching )

Although I do like a little
conversation at breakfast.

Morning, everybody.

Shh. He's hung over.

Oh, yeah.

Well, isn't this an
ironic turn of events.

Me waking up feeling
all bright and chipper,

and you... looking
like a stool sample.

Not a big irony fan, huh?

Charlie?

Yeah?

Either stop talking

or at least have the decency
to kill me.

Boy,

I'm never gonna drink.

Good job.

You scarred the kid for life.

Now he's gonna face
junior high sober.

Just-just tell me one thing.

What's that?

Did I really tell the waiter
I loved him last night?

You had to say something
after a kiss like that.

I took care
of your bathroom.

Thank you.

I hope you like the smell
of pine-scented puke.

So, did I do anything else
I'm gonna regret?

Well, you paid
for dinner.

Aw, geez!

And after we got home,
there was some
drunken blubbering

about how you weren't gonna
grovel for the approval
of women anymore.

Oh, right.
I almost forgot.

I-I had a life-changing epiphany
last night.

Was this before or after

you yanked up
a hunk of your esophagus?

No, it's no joke.

I reached a turning point.

From this day on, my actions
will no longer be predicated

on pleasing the castrating
mother figures in my life.

( chuckling )

Wha-What's so funny?

Nothing. ( chuckling )

I think she doubts
your epiphany.

She'll see.

They'll all see.

Starting now, I am new Alan.

( Berta cackling )

Starting now, I will fear
no women's disapproval.

( doorbell rings )
Oh, God, that's Judith.

I was supposed
to have Jake ready.

She's gonna kill me!

Okay, starting now.

Good for you.

( doorbell rings )
Oh, I better get that.

Let her wait.
What she thinks of
you doesn't matter.

The only thing that counts
is what you think of you.

You're right.

It's what I think of me.

And?

I had so much potential.

You can forget
what you think of you.

Yeah, I'm probably
too close to me

to see me clearly.
Yeah, that's it.

Oh, do I smell
like vomit?

Don't worry.
I'll stand next to you.

She'll assume it's me.

Good. Good.

Hi, Alan. Jake ready?

No, he is not.

You said you'd have him ready.

Well, I don't.

And if that makes you
unhappy with me,

well, I don't give
a rat's furry ass.

What did you just say to me?

Nothing. I'm sorry. Jake?

Starting now?
Starting soon.

You know what that smell is?

Epiphany... for men.

So, how long you
been in Los Angeles?

About eight months.

Haven't got
a single audition yet.

Yeah, this can be
a tough town if you
don't know anybody.

( long sigh )

Do you have, like,
a head shot or a resume?

( long sigh )

Is he okay?

I don't know.

Sir, are you okay?

I thought we
came here to talk.

Not to each other.

( groans )

All right, let's talk.
What's bothering you?

I changed my mind.
I don't want to talk about it.
Talk or die.

All right. I'm depressed.

I want to change,
but-but I can't.

Whenever I'm confronted
by a disapproving woman,

something inside me
just crumbles.

Well, I don't know.
Maybe that's just who you are.

You know? Fish got to swim,
birds got to fly,

you got to crumble.

What I don't understand is that
I can intellectually see

the problem, but I just
can't do anything about it.

Oh, excuse me, miss,
can I have more of these
little pretzels, please?

In a minute.

Okay, sorry, no hurry.

Look, it's very simple.

You were conditioned as a child
to seek Mom's approval.

You're still seeking
Mom's approval,

and you make every woman
in the world a substitute mom.

But what about you?
We had the same mother.

Well, I handle my conditioning
in a different way.

I have casual
and often degrading sex
with my substitute moms,

but we're talking
about you and not me,
so forget I said that.

Oh, how I'll try.

But-but how do you deal
with the fear of disapproval?

I mean, you must get
shot down occasionally.

Occasionally?
Constantly.

Constantly?

Occasionally.

It's a numbers game, Alan.

We all want the shiny apple
on top of the tree.

But sometimes you got to settle
for one on a lower branch.

And, of course, there's times
when you just got to...

pick up whatever's
lying on the ground

and put it in your mouth.

But how do you manage
to keep going on

in the face
of constant rejection?

Occasional rejection.

Okay, lesson one.

Look around.

Out of all the women here,
which one do you find
the most attractive?

Let's see, um...

ALAN:
Her.

CHARLIE:
The brunette? Why?

I don't know. There's just
something about her.

CHARLIE:
Yeah.

Radiating waves
of contempt.

You asked me
who I found attractive.

That's true. That's true.

All right, she's
your shiny apple.

Now, go ask her if
you can buy her a drink.

What about the radiating
waves of contempt?

That's just a defense
mechanism for a little
girl in a lot of pain.

Really?
How the hell
should I know?

The point is, you can't
let fear stand in your way.

Well, I disagree.

Are you questioning
my methods?

'Cause we can stop
right now.

No, no, I'll do it,
I'll do it.

Would you like
some more pretzels?

Well, I am in the mood for
something salty and twisted.

( laughs ):
You're terrible.

You have no idea.

How'd it go?

She's really got a mouth on her.

So she rejected you.

With anatomical specificity.

Good.

Good? How is that good?

How do you feel right now?

What do you mean, how do I feel?
I feel humiliated.

Where?
What?

Where is the humiliation?
Where do you feel it?

Well, let's see, my...

Well, my stomach's all knotted.
My heart is pounding.

I'm sweating like a pig.

Okay. End of lesson one.

That was lesson one?

Lesson one sucked.

Lesson two.

Have a drink.

No, sweetheart,
have a real drink.

I don't like scotch.

That's okay. It's bourbon.

Oh. All right.

Yecch!

More.

How do you feel now?

I feel a little better.

Finish the drink.

Can I put some
Diet Sprite in it?

Just finish it.

There you go.

Now how do you feel?

( gasping )

I feel pretty good.

Like, you know,
to hell with her.

Who cares what she thinks?

Perfect. Now,
go ask that chick over there

if you can buy her a drink.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. That's
your big secret? Alcohol?

Shh. Don't tell anybody.

But isn't that just
a temporary solution?

It's only temporary
if you stop drinking.

I like it!

Diet Sprite.

( retching )

I got to hand it
to you, Alan.

Most guys would be off scallops
for a long time.

I like scallops.

Clearly, they don't like you.

I guess you choose your seafood
like you choose your women.

I beg to differ.

When it comes to women,
I make them sick.

Fair enough.

So, what else
did we learn tonight?

Well, let-let's see.

I learned that-that to overcome
my fear of rejection

ingrained in me by
an emotionally distant mother,

I need to completely disable
my central nervous system

with semi-lethal quantities
of alcohol.

Bravo!

Hey, Charlie,
you coming to bed or what?

I'll be there in a second.

What are you looking at?

Sorry, very sorry.

So, how have you been?

It worked!

I am totally humiliated,
and I don't care.

You made real progress
tonight, Alan,

and I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Charlie.

You're-you're a good teacher.

And-and a good brother.

Thanks.

Well...

I guess it's time for me
to go work out my issues.

( toilet flushes )

Good night, pal.

Nighty-night.

* Men...