Original subtitles

Jake?

Yeah?

Are you praying?

It's okay, I'm not in school.

No, no, it's fine.

What are you praying for?

I have a math test on Monday.

Oh, so you're praying for a good grade?

No, that never works.

I'm praying for the teacher to get sick.

Have you considered just studying for the test?

How would that help?

Okay, listen to me.

Even if we were to assume

a God who would be willing

to give your teacher a cold...

Anthrax.

All right, that's it, no more praying.

What are you, the Supreme Court?

How do you know about the Supreme Court and prayer?

This guy on TV, Reverend Don, he talks to God.

And he said you should pray to strike down your teacher?

No, activist judges.

But I figured why can't it work on Miss Stanley?

And you know what else?

If I send Reverend Don money, God will make me rich.

And did you send him money?

Wouldn't you?

No... God doesn't make people rich.

And even if He did, it wouldn't make you happy.

Well, I disagree.

Jake.

Reward without effort is meaningless.

Money alone will not give you fulfillment.

What about Uncle Charlie?

He seems pretty fulfilled and he doesn't do anything.

Hey, let me tell you about your Uncle Charlie.

He puts on a happy face,

but on the inside he is a sad, lonely man.

( woman giggling )

You see?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

I'm about to do a load of laundry.

Last chance to change your underwear.

I'm good.

Oh, uh, but you might want to hold off

on the washing machine.

I think Charlie and his friend are still in the shower.

I'll check.

( toilet flushing )

( Charlie and woman screaming )

You were right.

( doorbell rings )

I wouldn't wait for me to get that.

Hello.

Hello.

Uh, we haven't met.

I'm Norma Seabury from next door.

Oh, it's nice to finally meet you.

I'm Alan Harper.

Harper?

Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?

My mother says I am, but frankly,

I have my doubts I'm related to her.

I see.

Well, Alan, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway.

I assume it belongs to one of your brother's hooers.

One of his what?

Hooers.

Ever since he moved in here,

it's been one endless parade of hooers.

Oh, whores.

Well, in all fairness,

most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.

Be that as it may, I'm late for my hair appointment,

and I want that car moved immediately.

Oh, absolutely.

I am so sorry.

Let me track down the... hooer in question

and ask her to move it.

Thank you.

( sneezes )

God bless you.

He'd better, I sent in five bucks.

Charlie, we have a situation.

( Charlie and woman giggling )

CHARLIE: Okay, that looks pretty clean.

Now do me.

This is so unfair.

( water running )

Excuse me?

CHARLIE: Not now, Alan, I'm making bubbles.

I don't care what her name is,

her car is blocking our neighbor's driveway.

Oh, sorry, I'll move it.

CHARLIE: You can't go now. You're busy.

Oh, yeah. I'm busy.

All right, just-just tell me where the keys are,

and I'll move it.

Oh, gosh, no.

I don't let strange men touch my car.

Oh, good. At least you have respect for your car.

Alan, do we need to have another boundaries talk?

No, I'm leaving.

CHARLIE: Uh-oh, look what's dirty again.

WOMAN: Uh-oh!

( mimics giggling )

( toilet flushing )

( screaming )

Okay, I have located the owner of the sports car.

Is she going to pull it out?

Not for a while.

Well, how am I supposed to get to my hair appointment?

Gee, I'd say you really don't need one.

I think your hair looks lovely as it is.

Well, aren't you sweet.

Are you homosexual?

No, just sweet.

Listen, you don't have to miss your appointment.

I'll drive you.

You would do that for me?

It would be my pleasure.

Sure you're not homosexual?

Positive.

You would've made a good one.

* Men...

CHARLIE: You going home already?

Nah, I'm going to the opera.

They can't end it until I sing.

There's no call for sarcasm.

( laughter )

Oh, no.

What's up?

What is that old witch doing here?

Old witch?

She's a charming woman.

Of course she's charming. They're all charming.

That's how they lure you into their houses

made out of candy and gingerbread.

What exactly is the deal between you two?

Why do you hate her so much?

Why don't you ask her why she hates me?

I did. She told me you're a horrible neighbor

who doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Well, there you go.

How can I like somebody who talks about me like that?

Hello, Mr. Harper.

Hey, Norma.

Eat any little kids lately?

I could ask you the same thing.

And by the way,

will she be moving her car out of my driveway any time soon?

Well, maybe people wouldn't park in front of your driveway

if you didn't put your trash cans in my guest parking spot.

You don't have a guest parking spot.

There's no such thing as a guest parking spot.

It's called a curb and it belongs to the City of Malibu.

Hey, if I can pass out on it, I figure it's mine.

Well, with that logic, I... I guess you own my doghouse too.

That only happened once and Bruno was fine with it.

Alan,

thank you so much for a wonderful day.

I'm looking forward to next Saturday.

Oh, me, too.

And as for you, Mr. Harper,

Bruno never had fleas before that night.

You passed out in her doghouse?

Hey, I've passed out in wheelbarrows,

but this isn't about me.

Oh, really? Who is it about?

You.

Why are you dating a woman

who most likely lost her virginity during World War II?

And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.

Okay, first of all, we aren't dating.

I am escorting her to a charity event.

And second of all, her age is irrelevant.

The only thing that matters is what's inside a person.

Yeah, well, the only thing inside her

is dust and undigested mastodon meat.

She isn't that old, Charlie.

Oh, come on, I'll bet she was an eyewitness

to the birth of agriculture.

Stop it.

Her high school graduation picture's

probably on a cave wall in France.

Are you done?

Mm...

Her prom theme was "Fire."

Charlie, I can't figure out how to turn off the shower.

There's so many knobs.

That's okay, honey.

You just dry off, and I'll take care of it.

Thanks.

How does it feel to be dating a woman

whose IQ is the same as her age?

I can ask you the same thing.

Oh, here's something else we have in common.

Both our girls are pruney,

but mine's gonna plump back up in a little while.

* Men...

Well, thank you for a lovely evening.

Oh, no, thank you for taking me.

I so loathe going to these things by myself.

And dancing.

I can't remember the last time I danced.

That was fun.

One more spin?

Okay, sure.

( Norma humming )

( laughing )

Oh, thank you

for being so kind to a lonely old gal.

Stop saying that. You are not old.

You're a vibrant, fascinating woman,

and I had a great time with you tonight.

Oh, likewise.

Alan, I want you to give some serious thought to my offer.

I will. I will.

Okay, so, uh, so good night.

Good night.

Oh, all right.

Morning.

Morning.

Who sent the flowers?

I'll give you a hint.

Wait 'til you see the card.

You read the card?

I couldn't. It's in Aramaic.

Okay, I get it. She's old.

It was delivered by a Roman centurion.

Oh, geez. I've got a problem.

Hey, if you got her pregnant,

we can get a full page in Ripley's.

Give it a rest, Charlie.

Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning.

Listen to this.

Her first car was a chariot.

She called her first husband "hun" 'cause he was one.

Her first Christmas

was the first Christmas.

Likes to take long walks on the beach

after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs.

Her birthstone is lava.

And finally, the Big Bang.

I don't have a joke for that yet,

but I know there's something there.

I'm leaving.

Oh, come on, I'm your brother.

You can talk to me.

Okay, I promise, no more jokes.

Tell me what the problem is.

Okay.

You know she's rich, right?

Richer than God.

Who she's known

since he was yay high.

You promised.

Sorry. Yeah, yeah.

Well, last night, Norma made me a business proposition.

A business proposition? I bet it involved...

No! No! No!

No telegraphs, no flying machines,

no Nina, no Pinta, no Santa Maria!

You don't have to bite my head off.

I was talking about what I do for a living,

and she said she wanted to invest... in me.

Invest in you? How?

She wants to buy a building

and create the Alan Harper Healing Center.

Uh, chiropractic, acupuncture,

uh, holistic pharmacy, aroma therapy...

Why don't you just call it the Alan Harper House o' Crap?

Norma chose the name.

I see.

And in exchange for all this, she expects you to...

Well, nothing has been said explicitly, but... yeah.

And you're considering it?

No. No, of course not.

Not really.

Not really?

Well, the building would be in Beverly Hills

and it would have my name on the top.

Big letters, but, you know, with a real classy font.

I'm thinking Helvetica.

Okay, I see your dilemma.

We gotta think this through.

Thanks, thanks. I really need to.

You'd do her for free

if she was young and beautiful, right?

Well, sure, I suppose.

And you'd stick your dingus in a beehive for, say,

a hundred million, wouldn't you?

A hundred million dollars?

Probably.

But where are we going with this?

Well, we've established that you're a man whore,

and now we're just trying to zero in on your price.

Charlie, you're not helping at all.

Alan, did you really think I would?

* Men.

Good to see you again, Ms. Seabury.

Thank you, Bobby.

My pleasure.

Thank you.

Good luck.

Go away, Bobby.

So, Alan...

have you given any more thought

to my little business proposal?

Well, actually, I have and, uh...

Oh, wait, I forgot.

I brought you a little gifty.

Oh, no, Norma, please, you've been too kind already.

Oh, my God, a Rolex.

It's a platinum Rolex.

A platinum Rolex.

I have always wanted a platinum Rolex.

I almost bought one for myself, but silly me,

I got health insurance for my family instead.

Let me put it on you.

Okay. Ooh.

It's a lot heavier than my calculator Swatch.

I'm glad you like it.

Champagne for madame and her... special friend.

Hey, Bobby, look.

Very nice, sir.

Oh...

This is too much.

I-I-I-I can't accept this.

Oh, I think you can.

Yeah, I probably can.

A toast.

To the Alan Harper Healing Center.

Okay.

And to us.

Uh...

to us as business partners and friends, right?

Wrong.

Oh.

Alan?

What?

I've proposed a toast.

Oh, yes. I'm sorry.

It's just, this is all happening so fast.

Yes, well, the heart wants what the heart wants.

The question is, Alan...

what do you want?

( loud ticking )

Hurry up, sugar-buns.

I'm not getting any younger.

* Men.

Charlie... wake up.

What?

What's wrong?

I had sex with Norma.

What?

I gave in. I folded.

I let her have her way with me.

How was it?

Actually, it was great.

She... knew stuff.

Is that a Rolex?

Yeah. Platinum.

Nice.

And you're gonna get a building in Beverly Hills.

Not bad for a night's work.

Well, actually, I don't think

I'm gonna be getting the building.

She reneged?

She... died.

You're kidding.

After we were done, she looked at me,

mumbled a couple of words,

closed her eyes and then... poof.

Dead.

That's it.

I knew there was a Big Bang joke.

I mean, I'm sorry.

I just can't believe it.

Me neither.

After all those years of making me miserable,

she's actually gone.

It's weird, I feel a little sad.

Imagine how I feel.

Yeah, you killed her.

So what did she mumble before she, you know...?

Well, I'm not sure,

but I think she said...

"I want my watch back."

Hey, I tried my best to keep up with her.

Anyway, I've been up half the night

with the police and the coroners.

You have no idea how judgmental those people are.

You can't worry about what anyone else thinks, Alan.

The thing you got to remember

and keep close to your heart is...

I get an extra parking space and you get to keep the watch.

Enjoy it, buddy.

How can I enjoy it?

Same way I enjoy that grand piano downstairs.

What does the piano have any...?

Wait a minute.

Are you saying that you slept with Norma?

Hey, I needed a piano.

So... so if you slept with Norma,

why did she hate you so much?

Probably because I only needed one piano.

You're right, though.

She did know stuff.

* Men.

Hey, can you put on channel 84?

I want to watch Reverend Don.

Well, I want to watch football.

It's the Lord's day.

Yeah, but it's my TV.

Who'd you bet on?

Packers, minus one and a half.

If the Vikings don't score

in the next two minutes, I'm up a grand.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Praying for the Vikings to score.

Don't do that. Are you crazy?

Change the channel to Reverend Don.

No!

Then you leave me no choice.

Okay, you want to play that way? Fine.

It won't work.

God answers kids' prayers first.

Who told you that?

Nobody. It just makes sense.

ANNOUNCER: That last drive put the Vikings in field goal range.

Oh, God, oh, God...

Too little, too late.

Here comes the Vikings kicking unit out onto the field.

Okay, tell you what.

Pray for my side, I'll give you a piece of my winnings.

How much? Five percent.

No deal.

Edinger has yet to miss from this distance.

Okay, ten. Twenty.

Twenty?

And there's the snap... Deal.

The kick is up. It's good!

Oh, no!

Don't blame me. You're a sinner.