All language subtitles for S05 - E00 - Final Episode - The Internet Is Coming

( theme music playing )

- Moss: Who owns the
Infinity Gauntlet?
- Alice: Thanos.

What was Thor's
father's name?

Alice:
Odin. ( laughs )

I'm sorry, Moss.
I've really got to go.

Ohh! Just a few more.
Just a few more.

No, no. Sorry.

That's all right.
You've done more than enough.

Okay. All right, baby,
see you later. Bye-bye.

- Wow.
- Right?

That's an impressive knowledge
of the Marvel Universe.

I know.

Well, you've done it.
You've finally found a woman

I can do business with.

Yeah, no, don't say
things like that.

I'm sorry.
I'm just so excited for us!

No.

Man:
If you don't put
it in all the way,

it doesn't really count.

- ( laughs )
- Oh!

( laughs )

Hey, Red.

Hey, stand back. Stand back.
This one's mine.

I'm gonna do everything
for you really nice.

Stand back.
Stand back.
She's all mine.

Ooh, it's tight.

( giggles )
You're so strong.

( classical score playing )

( hissing )

- Oh! ( giggles )
- Ah, yes, yes.

Bubbling over.

It's on the house...
only for you.

Oh, my God.

You inspire me.

- ( sighs )
- Have a great day.

I will, thank you.
Thank you.

Ciao.

( child speaks French )

( laughs )
Moss, have you seen this

video of the baby
speaking French?

It went viral at 10:30, Roy.
Of course I've seen it.

I must have been
in the toilet.

Oh, Jen,
exciting news.

I've just uploaded
the second episode

of my board games
review show.

Care to have a look?

That was fast.

Seems like only yesterday

we had to sit through
the last one.

It was three months ago, Jen.

Really?
It feels like--

it feels like it just happened.
Roy, did you hear that?

Moss has done his
board game review show again.

I'm not watching that.

I'm not watching that again.
Jesus Christ!

We don't have
to watch it, do we?

We only sat through
the first one the other day.

It was three months ago.

My God! Wow.

It feels like
it just ended.

It was so boring.

It was like being insane.

It was so insanely boring.

Roy's not a fan,

but you said
you liked it.

Where'd you get
your coffee?

- The new place.
- Any good?

Really good.

You specifically said,
and I quote,

"You must show me
the next one, Moss."

- Did I? Did I really? My God.
- ( cellphone rings )

Oh, if you'll excuse me,

that'll be my lady love
from the seventh floor.

- That's going well?
- Oh, yeah.

He's cock-a-hoop
over this sheila.

Okay, so that'll
be over soon then.

Hey, I'll have you know
that Alice is nuts about me.

- ( ringing )
- She thinks that I'm
emotionally artistic.

- Well, what does that mean?
- Um, well, she said that...

- emotionally, I was on
the artistic spectrum.
- ( ringing )

I think
it means that I'm--

I'm creative about
my feelings, you know?

And I'm more in tune
with her wants and needs
then most me--

- ( ringing stops )
- Oh, she's rung out.
Oh, sh--

that keeps happening.

All right, if I said
I'd watch it,

then I suppose that's what
I'm going to have to do.

That's the spirit, Jen.

Come on.
Let's get it over with.

Now, keep an open mind.

I know the first show
was a bit "bare bones,"

but I think you'll really
enjoy my new episode

or "webisode"
if you prefer.

I don't prefer that.
No one does. Come on, come on.

Sooner it starts,
sooner it's over.

"Game Board."

Game.
Game. Game.

( laughing )

- "Game"...
- "Board."

- "Game"...
- "Board."

- "Game"...
- "Board."

"Board.

Board. Board. Board."

Hello and welcome
to "Games Board."

Today, on the show,
we have all s--

- So, guys, what's coming up--
- Well, I've been playing--

What's coming up
on the show?

- Guys?
- I've--

I've been playing
"Ports of Essen,"

a strategic trading game

where each player takes
the role of a Danish

fishing port merchant
in the 16th century.

And for
a change of pace,

I've been looking
at the expansion to
"Textile Merchant"--

"Textile Merchant:

Norfolk Edition."

Two games
by Reiner Kiniksi?

Hold on to your hats,
it's going to be a bumpy--

Let's talk
about components.

Uh, shouldn't we do rules
before components?

I mean, components
won't make any sense

if we do it
before the rules.

...Forget to cut this
conversation.

What?

Don't let
the actual progra--

- How long is this?
- Even hearing it is bad.

I need
to stop hearing it.

Sorry, Moss.
I-- I can't do it.
It's unbearable.

- Where are you going?
- Oh, I'm jealous
of your coffee.

You literally can't watch it?

I literally
can't watch it.

So what can we do
to make it better?

Well, I don't want to
say anything that might
hurt your feelings.

It's all right.
I can take it, Jen.

I'm a big boy.

Well, as I say,

it's slow.
It's so slow.

Okay, good. It's slow.
It is a bit slow.

We can work on that, slow.

I guess the other thing
is that it's terrible.

It's slow and terrible.

- Yes.
- If a friend asked me
to describe it,

I'd say, "It's a slow terrible
thing on the Internet.

I could only
watch for a minute."

Is this helpful?

Uh... pfft!

So helpful.
God!

Slow.

Both: Terrible.
Could only watch
it for a minute.

Well, a lot to get our teeth
stuck into there, but--

- Well, let's see if I can help
you with anything else.
- Oh, there's more?

None of you were any good
in front of a camera.

- None of us. Yeah.
- You've got really
annoying voices.

- The voices are a pain.
- And I guess that's because you
haven't got any confidence.

- No confidence.
- I mean, if there's
one thing you need...

- It is confidence.
- ...it's confidence.

Absolutely, well, Jen,

I can only thank you
once again for--

- And another thing--
- I'm not listening anymore!

( both laughing )

Douglas,
you're incorrigible.

I'm incorrigible?

You're Raymond Peterfellow,

owner of the finest lap-dancing
establishments in Soho.

If anyone's incorrigible,
it's you,

you perfumed porno vampire.

( laughing )

Perfumed porno vampire?
I like that.

So you're thinking
of having 500 of these
travelling across London.

- Raymond: That's what I said.
- Sexy and classy,

and that's difficult
to pull off.

This'll get people talking,
all right.

Consider me
one happy shareholder.

Right.

Oh, a big party coming up
on Thursday night

- if you're up for it.
- Aww, damn.

I'm supposed to be doing
"Secret Millionaire."

-- it! I'll cancel.
I'll tell my assistant.

- Hi, Joan.
- Jen.

I'm not your assistant,
Mr. Reynholm.

I want you to cancel
"Secret Millionaire" for me.

Not your assistant,
wouldn't know who to call.

Just say anything.
Work your usual magic.

Jen:
Not your assistant.
I am not your--

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought this was the toilet.

Didn't this used
to be toilets?

Yes, I moved my office here

to be closer
to the ladies' toilets.

I must get someone
to take that sign down.

What's wrong
with you, Ross?

A small mocha, please.

- A small mocha, please.
- Okeydokey.

Or medium?

Yeah, you know what?
I've changed my mind.

I think I'll have a medium.

So you don't want
a small one?

Small is fine.

Small is good.
Just as good.

So I'll-- I'll just--
yes, that is what I will--

I'll have a small mocha,
my little man--

my good man.
( mutters )

Okay, coming up.

( irregular hissing )

( clattering )

- ( grunts )
- ( clatters )

- Got it. Yeah.
- ( cup clatters )

( unsteadily pouring )

( splashing )

( clears throat )

Eh?

( mutters )

Yup.

Thank you for the virgin
gin and tonic.

I suppose you could
just call it "tonic."

Yes.

So, Ross, how goes it
in the world of computers,

or PC world, if you will?

We're all very happy.
Thank you, Mr. Reynholm.

Very happy indeed.

Forget this "we" malarkey.
I'm talking to you, Ross.

- Are you happy?
- Very happy.

Thank you,
Mr. Reynholm.

Look, I'm not your boss.
We're just a couple of guys.

A couple of guys
shooting the shit.

Now tell me the truth.

Well, I suppose
sometimes I do feel like

- I lack
a little confidence.
- ( laughs )

- I know, it's silly.
- No, I've just realized
what a funny voice you have.

Now, Ross, I'm going
to tell you something:

Confidence is
a confidence trick.

Look at me.
What do you see?

A man who
inherited his father's
successful business.

- It wasn't that successful.
- It was pretty successful.

- Well--
- A lot more successful than
it is now, that's for sure.

Yeah, all right, all right.
Just say the right thing.

Say the thing
I want you to say.

Say, "A confident man."
Just say, "A confident man."

- A confident man!
- I wasn't always this way.

There was a time
when I was just like you.

But then I discovered
the secret.

And, Ross,
I'm going to tell you
what that secret is.

But you must
keep it to yourself.

I will take my ears
to the grave.

Two words.

Women's slacks.

I'm sorry?

Women's slacks.

- Women's slacks?
- Yes.

I'm wearing
women's slacks.

You're wearing
women's slacks?

Yes.

That's nothing like what
I thought you were going to say.

- Is it not?
- It is not.

I thought you were going to
give me a book recommendation
or something.

( laughs )
Book recommendation?

I can't read.

Yeah, I don't know
what it is,

but women's slacks
give me the confidence I need

to survive
in a tough business world.

They're lighter, airier
and less constrictive
than men's trousers.

And I'm pretty sure
it doesn't make me
a transvestite.

( theme music playing )

Look at that shit.
Look at it.

I can't--
how am I supposed to dri--

it looks like
he milked a cow over it.

Gosh, you're so fussy
about coffee.

- It's very annoying.
- It's ruined.

- He ruined my coffee.
- Don't just chuck it like that.

That fella shouldn't
be allowed to be a barista.

- Why not?
- Because he's too small, Jen.

He's clearly too small
to be a barista.

( sucks in through teeth )

What?

You're being a bit
of a small-person racist, Roy.

A small-person racist?
That's not a thing.

You can't have
tiny baristas, Jen.

For God's sake,
the man works with steam.

I'm gonna have to have
a word with him.

You-- you will have a--
have a word with him?

That's right.

About his height?

I think he'd appreciate
the feedback.

About his height?

That's not what
people do, Roy.

Well, I'm not people, Jen,
and I think that's a good thing.

I'm not afraid to cut
through the bullshit.

I bet this is exactly what
Alice was talking about.

Autistic!

She said, "Autistic."
That's what happened.

No, I don't--
I don't think so.

There's
no artistic spectrum.

But she said I was--

Did she say it
during an argument,
by any chance?

She did say it
during an--

- She did say it--
- Ah.

You know what was weird

was we were having
quite a big argument,

and then suddenly
out of nowhere,

- she paid me
that lovely compliment.
- ( chuckles )

( phone rings, beeps )

Hey, baby.

Oh. Oh, good.
Good, yes.

Sure, yeah,
I'd love to.

Yes. Okay, well,
I'll see you there.

What? Why?

No, I just--

Hello? Alice?

- That was weird.
- What?

Okay, so--
what the hell is that?

So she tells me
that her grandfather died,

she wants me to go
to the funeral.

I say that I'd be delighted

and then she hangs up on me.

Her grandfather's funeral?

- Yeah.
- That-- that's what you were

- just talking about just there.
- That's right.

You sounded like
you were being invited
to Glastonbury.

Ohh. Funerals are sad.

You did not sound sad.

- I wasn't concentrating.
- Emotionally artistic?

You're emotionally colorblind,
that's what you are.

Maybe-- well, maybe I am
emotionally colorblind.

I was about to confront
that little man.

- I know.
- I was going to give him
shit about his height.

( laughs )
I'm glad you realize now

- how inappropriate
that would've been.
- Yeah.

- ( keyboard clicking )
- I'll just leave him a note.

( classical score playing )

I'm here on purpose.

Oh. Yes.

I'm interested
in women's slacks.

I see.

I'd like-- sorry.

Hot ear.
And it's gone.

I'd like to buy a pair

of women's slacks...

for me,
not for a woman.

Oh. Yes, well,
that shouldn't be a problem.

I'm not trying
to look like a woman.

I understand.

I'm not a confident man.

Quite.

Well, let's see
what we can do for you.

( exhales deeply )

I don't know about this.

Ugh! Just ask him, Jen!

Me and Juan,
we have a thing.

I don't want another
splishy-splashy coffee

from the teeny-tiny
coffee man!

Hold on a second.
Poor woman.

No no no, don't give
her money. You're not
supposed to do that.

I'm actually a person, Roy,
with human feelings.

- ( gasping )
- ( gasping )

( gibbering )
What did you do that for?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'll tell you what, um--

- ( shouting unintelligibly )
- I don't know what to do?
Here's £5.

Do you want £5?

I don't know
if you want money!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- What happened?
- Never mind, just go.

- ( mutters )
- ( shouts )

What do you think?

I think...

you just sold
a brother some slacks.

- Woman: Help! Help!
- Man: Go!

- Get off me! What? No!
- Let go!

Woman:
You're a bully! You're--

Roy's voice:
Need to save that old woman...

- Help!
- ...but I have no confidence.

- ( shouting )
- Woman: No!

- What are you doing?
- Give it back!

- No!
- Moss: Hey!

Thank you.

( baby crying )

Red! Come on,
come on, come on.

No queue for you.
Come on.

- Oi.
- ( giggling ) Hello, Juan.

I'm with her.

It must be my birthday
that I get to see you
twice so quick.

- Yes, back again.
- ( chuckling )

Same as usual, please.
And could I ask you
a huge favor

and ask you
to make Roy's coffee
for him, please, too.

- I've been going on
and on about you and--
- And I like what I heard.

Would that be okay?
Do you mind?

No, of course. Yeah,
anything for you, my sweet.

Okay. Uh...

( chuckling )

- Yeah.
- Slippery fingers.

- ( hissing )
- ( classical score playing )

( music slowing,
distorting )

( sloshing )

( both groan )

- It was all right.
- It's not all right.

Look. It looks
like me with a beard.

( scoffs )
I don't want this.
This is horrible.

- Wha...?
- Oh, God! Oh-- oh, my God.

- ( shouting unintelligibly )
- I didn't mean to.

I don't hate you!
None of this is on purpose.

Um, what can I do?
Let me give you some money.

Here's £10. Oh, God.

Huh?

- I'm not with her.
- Oi. Oi!

- Jesus.
- Did you write this comment?

- What? No.
- You've got a problem
with smaller people!

I don't have a problem
with small people, okay?

I don't.
I just don't want
you making my coffee,

because you're bad at it.
You're bad at making coffee.

You're too small.
You're too small
to make good coffee.

You know what?
Up yours!

- I know--
- ( vehicle approaching )

- Little man, watch out!
- ( honks )

- ( brakes screech )
- ( crashes )

Female announcer:
It's being called
the viral video of the year.

A woman throws
a coffee onto a tramp

and then a man
has an argument
with a small barista.

You're just too small!

- The barista goes
to cross the road...
- Oi!

- ...and is hit
by a van with breasts.
- ( screams )

The woman who's
been dubbed by various
online commentators as...

has not been identified,

while the man known as...

is also still at large.

Small people
are not a race!

This isn't
"Game of Thrones"!

They're actually calling me
a bitch on the news.

What the hell
happened there?!

How did you
find out it was us?

It's all here in the weekly
surveillance report.

What's going on, Joan?

I expect better
from my assistant.

I'm not your assistant.
My name isn't Joan.

And what your beef
with the homeless?

I don't have
any homeless beef.

Ah! So it's women
you hate.

Well, that I can understand.

Whoa whoa.
You record our emails
and tape our phone calls?

All right,
dry your eyes, Bono.

If you've nothing to hide,
you've nothing to fear.

It wasn't my fault,
Mr. Reynholm.

I would never throw coffee
over a homeless woman.

And I would never abuse
a small person.

Certainly not enough to make
a van with tits hit him.

Although I suppose
I sort of did.

- I sort of did my one too.
- It's frustrating that we did
both of our things.

- Yes, it is. It is.
- All right!

Spare me.
I was young once,

but if this gets out,
this could deeply damage

Reynholm Industries'
ability to make that
product that we make.

What do you want us
to do, Mr. Reynholm?

Don't do anything.
Stay out of trouble.

And remember...

there are
places lower...

( deep voice )
than the basement.

Stop worrying, Jen.
Nobody can make us out
in that video.

It's just like early footage
of happy-slapping.

- Just relax.
- I can't relax.

It's all right for you.
I have plans.

I want to get up there.
I will not be a social piranha.

A what now?

- Hey, Jen,
take a look at this.
- What is it?

It's the new look
"Game Board."

- 200,000 views?
- I know. It's a bit different.

- ( clicks )
- ( explosion )

Check it out--
"Game Board"

- Shut the fridge, it's...
- "Game Board."

-- "Game Board."

Say what?

Wow! You all seem
different somehow.

Yes, we're all wearing
women's trousers.

Oh. Right.

Hey, what's going on?
It's "G-G-G--Game Board."

- He's...
- Newton Sinclair.

- This guy's...
- Roger Booth.

And I guess
I'm still Morris Moss.

Are you wearing
the trousers now?

I couldn't wear them
all the time, Jen,

I'd have
a heart attack.

No, they're safely
locked away in my
Fortress of Solitude.

You know, it's funny.

When I wear them,
I'm a dynamo,

a young Leonard Kravitz.

People hang off
my every word.

And then as soon
as I take them off,

I'm just back
to being the same--

she's gone, hasn't she?
She's-- she's gone.

- She went quite a while ago.
- Yeah. Oh!

Michael Bublé's here!

No no, it's a funeral, Moss.

I have to go to this funeral
for Alice's grandfather.

And I'm not
looking forward to it.

Funerals are
a pain in the crack.

Even in the best
of circumstances,
they're no picnic.

But now I've got
Alice on my ass

like the emotion police.

So I'm gonna have
to look convincingly sad

- for the majority of the day.
- Ugh!

She's not going
to expect me to cry, is she?

- No.
- What if she does?

I can't cry on cue!
What do I do then?!

Do what I do
when I need to cry--

use a mild
pepper spray solution.

Now that makes sense.

See? That makes more sense
than having to feel something.

Do you have
any of that stuff here?

Why do you think
we have a mini fridge?

Good evening.

- You're got quite a lot of it.
- I suppose I have made
quite a lot of it.

- And what's in here?
- Just Tabasco, wasabi and...

a bit of tear gas.

Those sound like bad things
to put in your eyes.

It's extremely mild.
It's mainly water.

Okay, I'll take it
as a last resort...

- As a last resort.
- ...in case I find myself
out of my emotional depth.

- There you go.
- All right, thanks, Moss.

- Bye!
- Bye.

Oh, don't forget
to add the water.

( theme music playing )

( bell tolling )

( whispering, crying )

Oh, poor Pip Pop.

Sorry, what?

Pip Pop.

We always called him Pip Pop
because he was so short.

- I see.
- All of my family
on that side

- are really short.
- Is that right?

Oh. Oh, Alice.

- Shh.
- ( sniffles )

- Oh!
- Roy, are you all right?

Oh. Yeah, it just...

really hurts.

- Oh, Roy.
- Oh, it hurts

- way more than I thought
it was going to.
- I know, I know.

( mutters )
...hell.

Oh.

( sputters )

Oh, Christ,
why is this happening?

Woman:
So will we ever find out
just who this person was?

Man:
Unfortunately
with current technology,

we can't depixelate
the picture,

so it's very unlikely
we'll ever find out

the identity
of this dreadful ginger cow.

( mumbles )

- What the--
- Oh, are you still crying?

I don't seem
to be able to stop.

- What's happening now?
- One of the pallbearers
wasn't able to make it.

- Oh.
- Look, I know this is--

this is a bit weird.
Do you mind stepping in?

- No, I'm happy to.
- Oh, thank you.

I mean
I'm sadly happy to.

- It's for Pip Pop.
- That's fine.

Hi, thanks so much
for helping us out.

No problemo.
Hey. Hi there.

Hello.
Oh, there's another one.

Hi. Are these
the other pallbearers?

- Yeah.
- Oh, God.
So you guys and me,

we're gonna carry
the coffin together.

- Yes.
- We're gonna put the casket
on our collective shoulders

and walk
in a straight line with it.

No, it didn't go well, Jen.
It didn't go well at all.

I mean, thanks for asking,
but no, it's wasn't a success.

This wasn't
a successful funeral for me.

Didn't have
the required gravitas?

Gravitas? No no.

Wasn't very dignified.

It wasn't dignified
at all, Jen!

If I had to pick
a word to describe

Pip Pop's final journey
to the grave,

it would be "funny."

It was so funny, Jen.

And of course
I tried not to laugh

and I tried to put
other things in my head,

but every step
that we took

was a fresh reminder of just
how funny the whole thing was!

You didn't laugh,
did you?

I laughed my hole off.

I can't believe
she's still with you.

Yeah, I suppose,
but I mean, I'm hanging on
by a thread, Jen.

I think
I'll just get through it

as long
as nothing else bad happens.

( phone ringing )

There's the phone now.

Woman: The new footage has led
to the pair being identified--

Jen Barber and Roy Trenneman,

both employees
at Reynholm Industries.

What the hell
were you thinking?!

I told you
to keep a low profile

and you do it again!

No no no no no.
It's new footage,
Mr. Reynholm.

Bum your excuses!

Reynholm Industries has
a reputation to uphold!

We're not News International,
for Christ's sake!

I'm gonna have
to do "Secret Pissing
Millionaire" now

just to undo your damage!

And I'm missing out
on a massive tit party!

And you're no longer
my assistant!

( growls )
Furious.

And I'll tell you
something else,

when I return
from the estate, it's...

( mimics gun cocking
and firing )

for you.

- ( sighs ) Oh.
- ( phone ringing )

Oh!

Oh, hey, baby.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah. No, absolutely.

All right.
Okay. Bye-bye.

- She left you.
- She did, yeah.

( news show music playing )

As the identities
of Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch

and Small Person Racist
are finally revealed,

we at Channel 4 News ask:

What the hell
is wrong with people?

I've got a lot
of new followers on Chitter.

- Loads more followers, yeah.
- They're all very abusive.

Oh, they wish
we were dead.

- Wait.
- What?

Chitter.

We can use Chitter
to explain ourselves.

( chuckles ) Yeah.

Chitter is the perfect place
to explain a complex situation.

Yeah. How about
"I didn't mean to throw
coffee on that woman.

I didn't know
she was there.

I went back to try
and find her but"-- oh.

- Too many characters.
- Yeah, too many characters.

Got it.
"Hate the homeless?"
( chuckles )

"And I suppose
I hate women too. Lol."

- Send.
- Whoa whoa.

- You didn't just
send that, did you?
- Yes.

- That didn't sound so good.
- People will get
the sense of it.

That's the thing
about Chitter, Roy.

It's best
if you're conversational
and off the cuff.

Here it is. Oh!

You didn't put a question mark
after the first sentence.

You don't need
to use proper grammar
on Chitter, Roy.

What you've chitted here, Jen,

is "Hate the homeless.

And I suppose
I hate women too. Lol."

Yeah, a few.
I'm glad all that's over.

Ohhhh...

- ( hip-hop music playing )
- ( woman speaking Chinese )

( demonic laugh )

- ( typewriter clicks )
- ( speaking in deep voice )

Anonymous:
...and then laughs
about it on Chitter.

You're too small!
You're just too small!

You're too small!
( echoing )

Anonymous:
...which then leads to him
being hit by a van with tits.

And now
Anonymous are after us.

- Well, that's just ideal.
- Oh, a bunch of nerds

sitting at their computer.
What can they do?

We pissed off
the Internet, Jen.

The Internet
is coming to get us!

Well, let's get it
before it gets us.

What are you...?

Oh, I don't want
Anonymous after me.

I'm in Anonymous...

I think.

Let's hide it!

What?

The Internet.

Oh...

because we told you that
that was the Internet.

Yes.

And we never told you that
it wasn't the Internet.

- No.
- Well...

thing is, Jen...

that's not the Internet.

What's Jen doing
with the Internet?

No, we're not doing that.

Ohh...

crickets.

All right, Moe,
don't be scared, yeah?

We're all friends here.
Tell Dougie your story.

- Okay, but who is he again?
- ( chattering )

Well, I'm just
your average social worker.

Yes, just in the area,
having a look around.

Please just pretend
I'm not here.

Do you have anyone come around
and help you and stuff?

Granddad sometimes,
but he's hardly around.

What about your dad?

- He's never around, either.
- ( cellphone boinging )

Sorry, my friend,
I'm going to have
to stop you there.

I must take this.
Reynholm! What?

Well, increase the bid.

I don't care what I said
the ceiling was.

I want that artwork
by Madonna.

No, 22 million
is the minimum,

but I'm happy to go to 50.

In fact,
make 50 the new minimum.

Yes yes.

Look, I can't talk
right now.

I'm doing
"Secret Millionaire."

That's very sad.

Do you wanna shut up?

We're filming
"Secret Millionaire."

Check your privilege.

How am I finding it so far?
Well, to be honest with you,

it's not as god-awful
as I thought it would be.

The people have
been terribly nice.

They're actually
quite clean.

And I have been invited
to a party this evening.

The last party
I think I ever went to

was when Elton John's dog
had a baby.

- ( techno music playing )
- ( chattering )

Douglas:
No, I tell a lie.

The last party I went to
was when Conrad Black
got arrested.

Conrad Black?
Who's that?

Oh, no one,
just an old friend.

- Let's get in there.
- Yeah, sure.

So I thought
with Game Board's
increased viewership,

perhaps it would be
a good place to put
my side of the story

and show the world
I'm not the monster

I'm currently
supposed to be.

Boo! Boo!

Could you
not boo me, please?

And that is
a horrible T-shirt.

So the question
everyone's asking:

Jen Barber,
do you hate women?

Oh. ( laughs )

- Thank you, Jen Barber.
- No no no.

Coming up, what was it like
to be a 14th-century
grain merchant?

Wait, Moss, I don't know
if that was clear.

Sorry, Jen,
it's these trousers.

They keep making me want
to move on to the next item.

It's better broadcasting,
and the slacks know it.

- But can I just say--
- Coming up--

- Will you stop saying,
"Coming up"?
- Next up--

I don't know
if I made my point!

( screams )

Oh! Oh, my God.

Richmond,
do you work here or not?

Well, I don't get paid,
but I like to come in.

Oh, so that "Goth2Boss" thing
didn't work out?

Does it look
like it worked out?

Anyway, how have
you guys been?

Oh, everyone thinks
I'm a misogynist.

Roy lost
his girlfriend because
he's emotionally colorblind

and Moss is wearing trousers
that make him good at telly.

Any gossip?

So what's going on
with you?

Oh, you know, keeping busy,
voiceover work mainly.

Really?
How did that happen?

Someone just noticed
I had a beautiful voice.

Oh, Richmond,

things aren't going
well at all.

Well, just get in there.

It's just not the same
when you guys aren't together.

Anyway, if you want me,
you know where I am.

I don't though,
Richmond.

Don't lurk!

Where did he go?

Where did who go?

Does it ever seem to you

that the things that
happen to us

are sort of...

strange?

How so, Roy?

Well...

remember when I had
to pretend to be disabled,

and I ended up
in Manchester?

That wasn't a normal
thing to happen, was it?

Or when you ended up
spending the night
in that arcade machine.

That was odd.

Yeah, I suppose those
were unusual events.

And this is strange.

What's happening to us
right now is strange,
isn't it?

Well, at least
it'll all be over soon.

Douglas is bound
to fire us when he gets back.

Oh, come on, guys.
This isn't us.

Are we just gonna
sit here and take it?

What do we normally do
when we get into a scrape?

We normally make things
worse and worse

- and then it ends.
- No, we don't.
We stick together.

- That doesn't sound like us.
- I don't know where you're
getting that from.

Come on.
Who are we?

Who are we? I want
to hear you say it.

We're the...

- IT Department.
- We're the IT Department.

You're goddamn right we are.

- Are you wearing
women's slacks?
- Yes, I am.

This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

( theme music playing )

Let's get into a car
and cruise around.

How do we get into a car?

Smash a window.

Great idea.

Yes.

That's the one.

I'm such an idiot.
I've got a robot hand!

Hang on a second.
This is my car.

( techno music playing )

Mm-hmm!

( classical music playing )

( metal music playing )

- ( siren wails )
- Aw, shit.

Wow-wow-wow.
It's all right.

Everyone be cool.
I'll handle this.

Take that.

It's all right, officer.
I'm doing "Secret Millionaire."

Come on, come on,
come on, people.

Come on, come on.
What's going on?

Come on, come on.
Come on, people.

How long has he been
wearing the trousers?

He won't take them off.

Okay, okay.
Come on, come on, come on.

What's going on?
What's going on?

We don't know
what's happening, Moss.

To every problem
there's a solution.

What's our problem here?
What's our problem?

Everyone thinks I'm a cow
who hates women.

You're a cow.
That's right.

A terrible cow.
Women.

Okay.
Roy, hurt me.

Um, the woman I love
thinks that I hate
small people.

Small people.
Thank you, Roy.

I'm probably
going to die alone

in front of
computer pornography.

I'll just draw
a sad face.

Roy: Sure.

Okay.
So what do women

and small people...

both like?
What do they both like?

Moss: What do
they both like?

- Chairs?
- Films?

I really don't know.

I'll tell you.

It's just they seem like
very different groups.

They're very different groups.

"Not being attacked."

They both love
not being attacked.

Well, I can't speak
for small people obviously,

but as a woman, I certainly
like not being attacked.

Where are you going
with this, Moss?

I'll tell you exactly where
I'm going with this, Roy.

I'm saying that we use
this brief window

while Douglas is away

to produce
a pepper spray solution

for small women

using that stuff
I gave Roy earlier.

That sounds really weird.

Jen Barber,
not a hater of women,

but their defender.
Their champion.

I love it now.

And I can do
a massive presentation.

A self-defense
pepper spray

for small women
suits my purposes also.

It'll show Alice
that I care,

and as a woman
with small relatives,

she's sure to come
to Jen's presentation.

You know, when I first
stocked that mini-fridge

with pepper spray solution,

I thought
I'd made too much.

But only now do I realize

that I'd made exactly
the right amount

for our current purposes.

It almost seems like
it's too good an idea.

You see what we can do
when we work together?

With my business acumen...

My scientific knowhow...

And I'm also here.

We can do anything.

All: Yeah!

I need a trouser break.

You coming, Roy?

I can't seem to get
the wording of this
speech to Alice right.

- You're doing a speech?
- Yeah.

I need to show her that
I'm not emotionally colorblind.

I'm actually a very
sensitive human man,

and she needs to know that.

Oh, what's a more
romantic word for "knockers"?

A more romantic word?

Come on, guys.
Let's protect women.

- I'll meet you up there.
- Good luck.

Thanks.

Eartha Kitts.

Right.
Is everything ready?

Yeah, well,
I've got the posters up,

and I've put gift bags
with pepper spray

beside each chair.

I think it was
a master stroke

to put the spray
in these elegant bottles.

Why not look stylish
while you defend yourself?

Something's bothering me,
though.

Are we missing something
that's very obviously
wrong with this idea?

I really don't think so.

Oh, look.
Here comes everyone.

Perfect.

Hello, and welcome
to this very special
presentation for women

by a woman, me,
a woman, who loves women.

By your seats,
you'll find a gift bag.

And in that gift bag,
you'll find our
very exciting new product.

- No, don't do that.
- ( screams )

( screaming )

No, no, no.
You're not supposed to--

Yes! I have some things
I have to say to you.

- I need to go.
- No. You are going nowhere.

"Now, I know in the past...

that you have accused me of
being emotionally colorblind."

- ( screams )
- Shut up and listen.

"But now I've changed.

My sight is perfect."

Now I know what was wrong
with the idea.

"And with your sweet lips,

and of course
your lovely bangers,

I know you're
the one for me."

I'm in terrible pain.

Oh, me too, Alice.
Me too.

But that ends now.
It ends now.

( crying )

Well, that could not
have gone better.

No, no, Roy.
That didn't go well at all.

Oh, right. Because we're
going to lose our jobs.

Yeah. Sorry.

( screams )

( Douglas shouts )

Jen: Mr. Reynholm?

So that's the thing.
I gave the boy the can of lager,

so technically I'm guilty
of corrupting a minor.

So it's the reason why
I bought the tramp uniform.

I've had to make myself
scarce.

So, you need somewhere
to hide out.

Yeah.
Somewhere off-piste.

Somewhere where
no one will find you?

Bottom of the world.

- You can use our
office if you like.
- Whoa.

Well, I'll need someone
to take care of business
upstairs.

We're not doing anything.

Well, this is perfect.
My wonderful assistant Joan

and her two friends Ross.

I'm gonna go and piss around
on the Internet,

but actually,
I'll need some food.

I've already eaten
one of the toys in here.

Did he just say what
I think he said?

I wasn't really listening.

Is this...

is what's happening good now?

Is this...
Is this good?

Yes, it's a very
good outcome.

Oh, my God. I think
we've come out on top.

I can't believe it.
We've come out on top.

Anonymous: Jen Barber.

Jen: Oh, I forgot about you.

Oh, God.
That's impressive.

They're actually
watching us.

Hey, mate,
am I in Anonymous?

Silence, Small Person Racist.

Greetings, Jen Barber.
This is your sentence.

You've been found guilty
of the most appalling

lack of basic human
kindness and decency.

( knocking on door )

- Come in.
- Shush, you.

( door opens )

What are you doing,
Peter?

Shut up.

You've been in there
for hours.

I'm doing something.
Go away.

Peter, your mother
and I are worried about you.

Get out of my room.
Get out!

I'm sorry.

You need to get
off this computer.

No, I'm not.

Who is this?
Are these your friends?

I'm sorry,
Peter can't play anymore.

He's coming outside.

Peter: You said I could stay
here for as long as I wanted.

No, we said that
you had to come out.

Peter: You said I could use
the computer for two hours
every night

as long as I ate my dinner
and did my homework.

I have eaten my dinner and
I've already done my homework.

What are you doing
taking this away from me?

I have earned my rights.
I know my rights.

( whimpering )

Douglas:
This Internet's not working.

I can't connect.

Just try turning it
off and on again.

Douglas: Thanks, Ross.

- ( theme music playing )
- Richmond: Reynholm Industries
is changing.

New opportunities.
New faces.

A new direction.

A better workplace
environment.

Exciting new products.

An inclusive
hiring policy.

- I am sounding happy.
- Man: Can you be just
a little bit more?

Richmond:
This is me being happy.

Man: Just be a bit more,
I don't know.

Richmond:
I'm being happy.

Man: No, I just
want you to speak--

Aah, forget it.
Let's just stop.