Original subtitles

Congratulations. You've managed to break the world record for cavities.

Oh, dear! No, save "Oh, dear" for the bill. Brigitte!

Oh, lovely! New hat? My feet are killing me. From lack of use, no doubt. A hand, please.

Improving your posture takes the stress off your feet. So does lying in the gutter after being fired.

West African women carry 80 kilos on their head and never need orthopaedic shoes. Don't encourage her. Ever!

Is he an anthropologist? No, foot fetishist.

Do you know where I can get a bargain on Capezio tap shoes? This is a dental surgery, not Dolcis!

He's been very tense all morning. No, I've been very tense since you applied for this job. Coincidence?

Note the veins throbbing in his head. See? That's stress. See? That's door. Go through. Goodbye!

I'm trying to win concert tickets! Am I the only one who tidies up?

I think so. Janey, help me, please.

I'd love to, but the rules of the contest are very strict.

So are the rules of the house. I've got a one in 30,000 chance here!

You could win a media blackout - no radio, TV, video!

What? Dee, I've got to go. Mum's gone mad cow! Bye! Thank you.

Right! Why do I have to clean? Nick never does. I do other special things around the house.

I don't have time to clean those up. I'll act incompetent and skive off!

That's not acting! Thanks. It's sexist. It's not that men do nothing. Women do too much.

Besides, you enjoy cleaning.

I crossed the line there, didn't I?

Why don't I start over here?

Janey, dust the piano. What do I get for helping? My undying gratitude.

So it's a lose-lose situation. What are these doing here?

I was looking for those. The living room is not your laundry basket.

What room is?

Did you happen to find my underpants?

Nick!

Sorry. I fell asleep on the couch last night watching TV.

In the nude? I had my socks on. You get more and more like your father!

What's this? It's not what you think it is.

It's Viagra. OK, it is what you think it is. But it's not what you think it's for.

What is it for? It IS what you think it's for. Who's the lucky girl?

They're all lucky, Mum!

Have you quite finished doing your lunar whatever it is you call it?

It's a yoga position. I wish you'd try it. I'm saluting the moon.

So am I.

You can mock all you want, but I love the way it makes me feel.

Does it take your mind off cigarettes? It did!

What are you doing?

Taking the TV to my room. Why?

I want to watch telly somewhere comfortable. What about Tonga?

Why don't you knock before you come in? I didn't want to disturb you.

Nick, put our television back, OK?

OK.

TV BLARES

Nick... Get out!

"Do this, do that!" Sometimes you make me feel like a complete prat!

I think we're getting through to him. Why did we have him?

I don't know. I was asleep.

You'll never guess what I found in his pocket today.

Certainly not a pay slip. Here!

What? Viagra?

You know Nick. He doesn't like to work at anything!

Kids today! If they're not taking our tellies, they're nicking our drugs!

I'm throwing it out. Good idea. The last thing Nick's hormones need is a turbo boost! Aren't you curious

to see how it works? Eh?

No, not really. Me neither.

Although as parents, we owe it to our children to make sure what they're doing is safe.

Are you suggesting that I take it?

Come on! Where's your sense of adventure? At the moment tending to my bruised ego!

I had no idea it was such a touchy subject.

Excuse me! I do not need any help in that department, thank you!

I don't, do I?

I never suggested that you did. You aren't just protecting my feelings?

Why would I want to do that?

You're satisfied, aren't you?

Completely. Yeah.

Well... Good night, dear.

OK!

Hey, want another go?

Honestly, Ben, you don't have to prove anything to me.

All the same, get ready for the time of your life! If you're up to it.

Where are you going? To slip into something less comfortable and more sexy.

Oh, Harper, yes, yes, yes!

Oh! This is it, Harper. World Cup final. It's one-all and it's down to the golden goal.

Yes! Harper towers above the defence and it's in.

It's in, it's a goal! There's people on the pitch, they think it's all over...

It is now!

Just in case we go into extra time.

Oh, sexy!

Ben...

My God, you're as white as a sheet!

Susan, I don't... I don't need that! It's something I probably ate.

Mr Harper, you'll be happy to know it certainly wasn't a heart attack.

Thank God. I never thought it was. Why were you weeping and saying you loved the children?

You drove through three red lights!

One explanation for your sudden dizziness and blurred vision is you have hypertension.

Have you been under a lot of stress? We've both given up cigarettes.

I channel my tension through exercise. He keeps his bottled up.

I don't keep mine bottled up. Taken any medication in the last 24 hours?

Depends on how you define medication. I mean...

Anything that should be prescribed by a doctor. For me or, let's say, for anybody?

Are you hiding anything from me?

I, um...

Between you and me, I may have taken a... .

A what? Viagra!

So it was something you ate!

You needn't be ashamed. A lot of men your age...

No, it's nothing to do with age. I was under considerable pressure.

Competing with a 20-year-old! What are you laughing for? It was your idea!

How long have you been on Viagra? It was a one-off. Not even!

I doubt that your problem was caused by the Viagra.

It's more likely due to the food you eat and stress.

Yes, in our house, the food we eat is the source of stress.

How's the patient feeling this morning?

He'd feel better if he wasn't called "the patient".

Were you scared? No. See a light at the end of a tunnel? No. Can I have some concert tickets? No. Sausages!

No! We must reduce your cholesterol level. I like it where it is.

Cholesterol clogs up the arteries making your heart work twice as hard.

People go to health clubs to give their hearts a work-out. I can do it on sausages and eggs!

What is this? What do you think it is?

Thanks.

Will you be a child about this?

Yes, because a child gets sausages!

What's that? A tofu smoothie. It's part of the low-salt diet the doctor recommended.

I feel like a prisoner allowed bread and water. You can't have bread.

I didn't have a heart attack or a stroke. Leave me alone and stop making a big deal!

OK! That's fine by me. You know, it could...

It could have been a heart attack or a stroke. Do they care? No, they act as if nothing happened.

You told them to leave you alone. I've said that for years. Why listen to me now?

Would you like to know what Dave has to say? Who's Dave? He's my guru.

You have a guru called Dave?

He's a part-time guru. The rest of the time he's a roofer.

So what are Babar Dave's words of wisdom? "Call it cash, mate. Forget about VAT"?

He had a near-death experience, too, and it changed his life.

Yeah? He wrote a book about it.

"Live For Today Because Tomorrow You Might Fall Off A Roof.

"The collected wisdom of Dave Quinn,

"a roofer who fell off a roof."

He wrote it after he fell off a roof. I'm getting the picture.

Your next patient's in half an hour. I'll leave it here. Are you insane?

Fine. If you're genuinely happy with who you are...

I'm very happy with who I am. I'm ecstatic about who I am.

It's who everyone else is that depresses me.

Breathe in deeply.

And find your centre.

PHONE RINGS With every breath you feel yourself drifting away

from the strains of modern life.

PHONE RINGS Well, I don't. Doreen, your phone!

Ignore it, Susan. Just let it go.

RINGS AGAIN

STILL RINGING

A ringing phone is like an unopened present.

Then focus on the gift you have inside. Concentrate on your breaths from deep within.

PHONE KEEPS RINGING

Can't you just leave things be? No. Try. You can't control the universe.

I'm not trying to control the universe. Just Planet Earth!

Serenity Studio, your path to inner peace?

You've got a nerve calling me here! Did your whore throw you out?

Deep breaths! Let the universe fill your soul with positive energy.

You think so? Then I'll rip out your chakra and eat it for supper, you miserable pig!

Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig!

Pig!

Right, so back to our breathing, everyone.

Susan, thank you for the gift.

What's for dinner?

I'm not sure yet.

It's either souffle or bouillabaisse. Time will tell.

There's no rush. It's not easy cooking for five night after night.

Have a break. Let's order a takeaway tonight. Please!

Fine. You pay for it.

What's this?

"D..." Someone rang for you, but by the time I found a pencil, I couldn't remember her name.

What did she say? I don't know. She cried a lot. Oh, Doreen!

While she became one with the universe, her husband became one with an accounts manager from Croydon!

That's terrible! Croydon ain't that bad. Why are older men always after younger women? I don't know.

Maybe it's cos they're younger. How would you feel if older women only wanted younger men? Great! I win!

As the result of a phone call which in some odd way I precipitated,

her husband locked her out of her studio and I volunteered to let the class come here this weekend.

singin' in the rain, what a glorious feeling...

and ready for love, I could jump

Anyone ever tell you you're a handsome devil?

Bills, I laugh in your face! Dad's home. He's singing!

I'm sacred.

Are you OK? Wonderful. I didn't think I could be better until

These are for you, darling. The doctor was wrong. You're dying!

Can I have your golf clubs? You don't play. Resale value.

You loveable little scamps!

Can't a man be happy to see his family without something being wrong?

I feel like a brand-new man

enjoy every minute

Do you do requests? Hmm.

Yes, Dad, it's about joy. Can I have the tickets? No.

But you said we've got to be happy. And I'm happy saying no!

Yes, this looks lovely!

Sure does, Dad. Humour him.

I'm not... You were singing. This is the new Ben, open to new experiences.

What's this? It's bleach-free, low-salt rice. You like rice.

With chicken tikka masala. Got any bleach-free chicken tikka masala?

I thought you were thinking positive. Compared to what I am thinking, that is positive! Janey!

Come out of those earphones! Join the family. You've another family?

What's a-happenin', dude? I'm trying to win tickets for the Marilyn Manson concert. She's great.

It's a he. It's not the singer. What's his big hit?

Scabs, Guns And Peanut Butter. It's not the song either!

Don't even try. I'll not feel like an old fart because I don't like their music!

You should feel like an old fart cos you've hair in your ears. Shut up!

I know you like sucking the joy out of everything, but you won't bring me down. Michael...

This weekend, do you want to watch the Grand Prix, hang out with Dad?

Or we could go camping. Or we could watch a camping show on the telly.

Good idea. My yoga group is meeting here this weekend. What?

Marvellous. We'll watch it on the small TV in the bedroom. Or take the big telly to my room.

Have the yoga class in Nick's room!

Sweaty babes in skimpy tights? I'm in. I'm the youngest sweaty babe. I'm out!

It would do you some good to join the yoga class.

Stop trying to change me. I'm trying to help you.

By saying I'm old, decrepit and I've got hairy ears? That was me. It's not gonna work.

I'm trying to be happy. I won't give in to this because life is short.

I'm going to go out and enjoy it no matter how bloody miserable it is!

Well, children, Daddy's back.

How many grams of salt are in this whisky? I don't know. Why?

My wife has put me on a low-salt, low-taste, low-joy diet because apparently I'm stressed.

How long have you known me, Ted?

About an hour. Do I look stressed to you?

A bit mercurial perhaps. I don't feel stressed. I feel drunk, but not stressed.

Do you know what I want? World peace? I want a cigarette. Excuse me.

Do you mind if I have one of your cigarettes? Go home. To that harpy

in her nest of vipers? No, thank you! I'm much safer here with my mate Ted.

TV ON

MANIC LAUGHTER

Oh, my God!

Heart attack!

Don't worry, Dad. I'm here for you. Clear!

Mouth to mouth!

I'm not dying, you idiot! I'm drunk!

Hello, darling.

Now I'm dead!

Where's the aspirin? Sleep well? I feel terrible. I had nightmares of Nick trying to kiss me.

I had nightmares of sleeping next to a belching, snorting soak. Did the kids see?

Yes. Michael made a video. Oh, God!

I feel terrible. I know I should be whipped, but please, first, where is the aspirin?

Some performance! I might be scarred for life, but I can be bought. Live with the scars. I have aspirin.

Janey...

Janey, Janey, Janey... How many have you got?

OK, aspirin for concert tickets.

Fine, fine. Sign here.

Thank you. No, no, where are they? Come on. Give, give, give, give!

There you go.

So... What was it like kissing Nick?

Don't touch my mini quiches!

That's what the smell is. They're for my yoga group.

You can have all the carrot sticks you want. Oh, joy!

When I was lying on the floor with Nick's face passing before my eyes, I thought, "I've got to change.

"No more drink, no more junk food and why not try yoga for a change?"

All I ask is that you try. I'll try. And put the toilet seat down.

Hi, girls. Come in, Doreen. Thanks so much. My life-saver!

Hi.

Hello.

Thanks for last night.

It was nothing.

No, I really mean it.

So...

Are you free tonight?

Ben, this is Doreen.

Doreen, my husband Ben. Hi. You look like my ex-husband. Same cruel mouth.

The fun starts here! Be nice. She's in the middle of a nasty divorce.

If it's all right, Ben will be joining us today. Splendid. Let's begin.

I can't believe he's gonna do it. You go, Dad!

I'll give him five minutes. Two minutes max! Lend us a fiver, Mike.

So now coming into tree pose,

we stand firm as our branches reach for the sun

and hold the pose.

Very nice, Lesley.

Excellent, Irene.

Call that a tree?

What? Come on, raise those branches. Stiffen your trunk.

That's what got me into this mess in the first place. No talking!

Ease down into the hissing cobra.

Hissing cobra - her favourite position! Ssh!

Oh, God!

Good. Excellent. Lovely postures. Excellent, Susan. Well done.

Oh, teacher's pet!

This isn't a competition...loser!

Uh-oh! Down dog! Up yours!

Ben, "down dog" is a yoga position.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, baby, I know what I like!

Ben! Couldn't they come up with less embarrassing poses? Like drunk man with head down toilet?

You couldn't keep away! Are you trying to be a dog?

Are you trying to be a tree? You look tense.

I wonder why.

Let's see if we can break through

all that locked-up stress. Your stress or mine? Yours.

Did your husband walk out on you or was he running? Hobbling!

You see, typical male,

totally...inflexible!

I said I'd try it, but I quit! Another man not willing to commit.

To what? Being miserable? Ben, blood pressure!

You can turn yourselves into knots and eat as many carrot sticks as you want, but death is still out there!

We also have quiche. Don't apologise for me. I've had enough.

I've tried eating healthily. I've tried being happy. I've even tried being a dog up a tree!

I've learnt nothing. There's a crock at the end of the rainbow, but it's not full of gold.

Excuse my husband. He's just about to go through a very nasty divorce.

Ben... I thought you weren't talking to me.

Don't be silly. That chair can't be comfortable. It's fine. This chair is perfectly fine.

Come home. No. Have they all gone yet? All except Doreen.

She got into the cooking sherry and passed out on the couch.

Where's Nick gonna sleep? I do feel sorry for her, though.

You wouldn't leave me for a younger woman? Why? Do you know someone?

Budge up.

Really? Mm-hm.

Doctor, do you treat all your patients this way?

Only the ones I like.

Now, Mrs Harper, this isn't going to hurt a bit.