Original subtitles

What's this? For Oxfam. Getting rid of stuff we don't need. Like Nick?

No, these people have suffered enough. Did someone wear this?!

Well, it's from the '70s. It was a different time, then. People were hip, wild and...

Colour blind? Do you have anything to contribute? It's a worthy cause.

Can I get some new clothes? No. Sorry.

Ah, Thatcher's children. What's this? I'm donating some of our clothes to the Oxfam shop.

Some of "our" clothes?

Susan, these are all my clothes.

Some of mine are here. Where?

Ah! Here.

You're not throwing that away, surely? Oh, maybe you're right.

And what's this? I haven't worn it! Are you going to wear it? No, it's ugly.

And Susan, what is this? A terrible, terrible mistake. I love this.

You haven't worn it in 25 years. It'll come back in. There'll be snow in hell.

Well, I'll need this, then.

And this is my lucky tie!

When was the last time you wore it? Our wedding!

I want rid of everything we haven't worn for at least five years.

Susan, I wore this shirt yesterday.

Yes, but I just hate that one.

I love this shirt. It's got holes.

There's no buttons, it's frayed.

How much will Oxfam get for this? About 40, 50p. OK.

Here's a pound. And I'll take these while I'm at it.

All set for a night out, then

Wow! All this cool gear!

You see? It's not junk, it's cool. Go on, Nick. Take what you want.

Really?

Cool.

See you.

Hello, new girl. What's your name? Am I dead? Did I disappear?

I'm just setting up for surgery, Mr H. We ARE set up for surgery.

Here's the patient's mouth. And...suction!

No, I'm setting up harmonically. I'm aligning the vibrations of this room with Mother Nature.

I'm sorry, what? WHALES SING

What's this? Song of the humpback whale.

I don't care if it's the song of the lonely goatherd. Turn it off.

It's relaxing. It's a dental surgery. You're not meant to be relaxed.

How about the song of the narwhal?

No, no, no. Sea lion? No, sea lion. African tree frog?

No! And don't turn it on again!

Right. I'm sorry, Mr Lewis... STRANGE, WHALE-LIKE CRY

Would you get out, Brigitte, please? Go and have a plankton break.

No wonder the last girl left. You're very hostile.

She didn't leave. I killed her.

Figure of speech, Mr Lewis. Take a rinse, please.

Hi. How's the new girl? Trained at Sea World.

Is the garage finished with the car yet? No. One minute, Mr Lewis.

They want to know how we drive it without a brake pedal. There is one. It's just in the back seat.

When your son tinkers with the car, he should warn people and he should not have a brake pedal left over.

When Nick annoys you he's MY son and when you're proud of him...

No, it's never happened.

Good film, innit? ..You say that to show you are interested in their opinions,

while all the time...

Now, watch this move. You've got to do it slowly.

Sorry. Hand slipped.

Thought you fancied me.

Stop it! This is important. This is my first date and I'll do something pants. I don't know the rules.

With naughties, there aren't any.

Boys have all the responsibilities and girls have an easy time of it.

They can just say stop.

OK, that's the one rule. A guy has to stop if a girl tells him to.

What do I do if she doesn't say it?

Just a quick, "Thank you, God," would just about do it. Now you try.

No! Get off! She's mine! Find your own.

Ugh! No, not him. That's a bloke.

Grab her twin sister. She's lovely.

Cool. Play it cool.

Smooth. I feel like a total prat!

Hey, look at this. I fixed Dad's chair.

It wasn't broken. Well, anyone can fix something that's broken.

A genius fixes things that work.

Hello!

What are you doing?

He fixed the chair. No more squeak.

I thought Dad said never to touch anything of his?

He didn't say NEVER touch anything of his. He said never touch ANYTHING. Well, that's just parents.

You know what they're like. "Blah blah blah..."

They don't really mean it. Nobody could be that uptight.

"You drank milk from the bottle? My life is ruined."

Besides, if I'm going for a part-time job at Twin Exhaust, I need skills.

My whole Zen ninja mechanic thing.

Ninja mechanic? You drank milk from the bottle? Yeah.

The Zen ninja has incredible focus. He doesn't have to know what he's doing. It's all instinct.

Did you pour it from a distance or dribble it back?

Both!

Between my innate ability to size up any mechanical problem,

plus the mature look that comes with the moustache...

the job is mine.

What moustache? I've been growing it all week. Can't see it.

What?

What if I do this?

Tilt your head to catch the light.

Down a bit.

Yeah, that's you! Thanks, Janey!

Hello, Mum! >

Don't mock the afflicted. It's not nice.

Get the shopping from the car. I'm not allowed to touch the car.

Michael will open the door for you. Mummy, let me help you. Thank you...whatever you're up to.

Up to something? I don't care. Keep helping.

You know Prada is having a sale? You said. Last week.

Ah, the art of slow cooking.

You whip something up in the morning and when you get home, there it is...

whatever it is. That looks disgusting!

The word "disgusting" does not belong in a kitchen. It looks interesting.

And tastes as interesting as it looks. It needs pepper.

Or binning. If you're buttering me up, it's not working.

No, but there are jeans at Prada that I'd look brilliant in.

I'll add some pineapple chunks. You're not even listening. Yes, I am. I'm just not agreeing.

These are a £100 pair of jeans marked down to...less than £100.

I've got the money Grandma gave me. For when you go to college. We agreed. YOU agreed.

That's all I can do. I'll need jeans at college. Buy them at college. That's something to look forward to.

You're so unreasonable. It's my job.

I wish I was dead! Janey! How can you say that?!

"I wish I WERE dead." Subjunctive. Boys are impressed by good grammar.

Hi!

Bye! ..What's her problem?

Don't tell me.

She wants a nose ring. She wants a tattoo.

She wants a cold sore because all her friends have one.

Don't be sarcastic. I'm too tired to be sarcastic. Mrs Newland rang.

My God! Why can't that woman ring during office hours?

She says you never return her calls.

Because she's evil. No, she's not.

She loses her dentures and wants me to make new ones. That is your job.

How can you lose six pairs of dentures? They're in your mouth or in a glass.

She must drink them by mistake.

Well, she didn't lose them this time. They broke when someone sat on them.

I hope she wasn't wearing them at the time.

That image has just ruined my entire evening.

Oh, God, Susan. Why, why, why did I become a dentist?

No-one respects you, no-one slaps you on the back and says, "Great bridgework, mate!"

Everyone avoids you at parties cos they associate you with pain.

Ben, that's not dentistry, that's you. I associate you with pleasure.

Susan, sometimes I think things couldn't get worse.

Look on the bright side. That IS it.

Hey... I rest my case.

Either you bought a broken bottle of ketchup or I dropped the bag.

In the sink, not on the table!

Hey, Dad... Mm-hm? Guess what.

You found a job and you're moving out? You're such a joker!

Dad's such a joker.

No, I've fixed your chair.

You've what? It wasn't broken.

I got rid of the squeak. I like the squeak.

I love the squeak!

I sit in MY chair, hear MY squeak... It reminds me I'm not quite dead!

He's in a mood. It's not a mood! It's life!

Just leave things alone, Nick! If it's broken, don't fix it.

Don't pick it up. Nick, please, don't touch anything anymore!

Dad! Relax, man. I'll put the squeak back.

He's mad...!

What? ..He's just going through an awkward phase.

20 years is not a phase, Susan.

It's him.

Mm.

Is this...

a pineapple chunk?

Yes. It's Hawaiian Medley Surprise.

Ah, that's really...

exotic.

You haven't touched it, Michael. I'm not very hungry. I'm tired. I might go to bed,

curl up with my pillow. NICK LAUGHS

Are you upset about something? No. Why?

Is this a radish?

I don't think they have radishes in Hawaii.

The dish is called Hawaiian Medley Surprise! The radish IS the surprise.

Surprise!

Now, Michael... if you have a problem, talk it out.

Confronting it is half the solution. Isn't that so, dear? No.

That makes a problem angry, then it comes back with a mate to thump you.

Anyone want milk? Not while you live here.

Michael, you can tell me. I'm a tour guide. Communication is my life.

It's just not the sort of thing you want to talk to your mum about.

Has the rash come back? Oh, please, Susan...!

He's going out with a girl. This is war!

Michael, don't touch my stuff! I'm going to kill you!

Well, that certainly cleared the air.

It certainly cleared the room.

Why do you never back me up? Years of experience.

It's as if you don't like the children. I... It's not a question of like or dislike.

It's a question of fear. I'm frightened of them. Two extremes.

They ignore you, which is demeaning, or want answers which is terrifying.

If I'd known this, I never would have had sex. Don't kid yourself.

Look, I'm sorry. She was going to get it out of you, anyway.

She has to control everything.

Not me. Check these out.

Aren't they great? Not my size. Too big in the bum. Read the signs!

"Women - keep out." Yeah. Well, I'm not a woman.

Mikey, looking forward to your date?

Her parents are taking us in the car. It's a start. A pathetically slow start.

So, what's her name? Michelle.

Michelle from school? With burger in her braces? It was macaroni.

You tasted it? Don't be disgusting.

I know because she's a vegetarian.

At lunch she talked to me. What did she say?

"Got a toothbrush?" Shut up. Listen, if you're going to go out with a girl, first of all...wash.

OK? Boys never seem to realise that animal magnetism doesn't necessarily mean animal smell.

Tell her you love her perfume. What if she doesn't wear any? Say she smells like L'Air du Temps.

L'Air du Temps! Yeah! No, too much. Sounds like you wanna borrow it.

So, Janey, how much did you pay for these? Nick! £98 for jeans you're afraid to wear out the room!

I'm respecting Mum's feelings.

By lying to her. Yes. You lie all the time. No, I tell the truth.

That's what scares them.

I'm off to pottery class.

I'm firing my own tonight.

Beautiful, isn't it? Yes, and dinner was lovely. So earthy!

So was dinner. Well, I think it's beautiful. We should be buried in it.

Blend our ashes together. You'd probably hog most of the urn.

Mum, have you got a sec? Absolutely. Carpe all the diem you can get.

The jeans. I thought about what you said. Good. It's your decision.

Thanks. There's a pair of jeans, or the respect of those who love you.

Frivolity or integrity. A meaningless fad...

Mum, I've already bought them. Oh...!

Something wrong? No, everything's fine, everything's wonderful. Good.

How can you eat when things are in such chaos? Strong stomach.

Honestly, Ben.

I don't understand you.

I'm calmly eating my breakfast while you breathe like an Aberdeen Angus.

You don't understand because you're deranged. First of all, I am NOT breathing.

I am expressing myself sub-vocally.

Second, our children are in open rebellion. It's a phase.

Don't... I KNEW I'd get involved. Go on.

Our children are in crisis because you and I give them crossed signals.

I haven't! My aim in life is to be the black hole of signaldom.

No, we've both got to make more of an effort to get through to them. Because Janey bought those jeans.

That's just a temporary setback.

But this afternoon, Michael... Oh, Michael...

..is going out with this...

woman.

They're both 12.

That's not the point.

Our son is crying out for guidance. No, he's not! It's a silent cry.

A mother hears these things.

Then answer it. It's a silent cry for his father. Sorry, don't hear it.

Because it's silent!

Well, a mother hears these things, she must answer it... Father...

A mother... Father...

Daddy...!

OK, next stage. When do I put my arm around her?

Simple. Wait for the first time in the film when someone gets gored.

Or dismembered. When she screams and leans into you, put your arm round her and wey-hey!

Hiya. Uh. Am I interrupting?

No. I was just giving him some hints on the facts of life. That's what I was afraid of.

Nick... Hm?

It's a book?

A film. No, it's a film.

How many syllables?

So...big boy, Michael.

Whoo-hoo.

Going out with a girl, then, eh?

Mm. Yeah.

Well... Your mother thinks that we... should have a little chat.

No, I'm fine. Good. That's what I thought. OK, see you later.

What do you do about the pressure? What pressure? Listen, Michael...

According to some religions, you've got to wait until the wedding night.

What? Yeah, the... What? Different pressure.

What pressure are you talking about?

To know everything. To be cool and easy when everything's a huge worry.

You've got to worry about everything. All the major stages.

Major stages? Yeah. First, you hold her hand. If she doesn't say stop, you put your arm around her.

If she still doesn't say stop, she expects a kiss.

So you kiss. Your first kiss.

Isn't that enough for one day? Sure. Oh, yeah.

It would be nice to go home and think about it for a bit. Think.

But what if she never says stop?!

Michael, that never happens.

But I...um...

You see, this is really difficult.

When I was first going out with a girl, not your mother.

I mean, I remember going out with your mother, but that's different.

I'm...wittering, aren't I?

Completely. Yeah, well... This is really difficult, Michael.

Now, my dad...

My dad loved to give advice. I was going out with this girl. He said,

"Ben, no matter how beautiful you think she is, or how perfect,

"if she eats a dodgy piece of fish, she'll end up chucking her guts up like the rest of us."

That's gross! That really is gross, isn't it? I know... But parents are like that.

They say the most demented things and think it's clever.

Oh...

Michael, I... I don't know what advice to give you.

I mean, all I can see when I look at you is a little boy with a Postman Pat doll...

and all I can say is don't be in such a hurry to grow up, right?

I mean, that's stupid, isn't it?

OK? Because you want to, don't you?

Well, that should make your mother happy.

OK now? Feel good? I think so. Yeah.

Dad? What does...mean?

I think we better sit down again, shall we?

You left it blank, where it says "Experience".

Well, I don't have any experience.

But I do have ninja focus.

Oh, right. It's very impressive in action.

Eh, your birthday's June 15th. What year?

Every year.

The moustache is new, though. It can always come off.

DOOR SLAMS

If you're going to ignore me, Mum, do you have to be so loud? I'm just nursing a wound.

Go and play. I'll survive. You make such a big thing out of nothing.

Oh, excuse me. I didn't realise the trust and faith I put into my only daughter would be "nothing".

Would you feel better if I took them back? It might ease the pain.

I can't. Prada doesn't give refunds on sales. So be it.

You chose between Miuccia Prada and your mother and Miuccia won.

Although with that name, the victory is Pyrrhic.

How about if I never wear them? Is that what you want? No. I want you to feel really guilty.

Heartbreakingly guilty. No, not possible. I'm right. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

You have to feel guilty when you don't want to! That's how it works!

You think you're happy, then kapow! It's been that way for generations. OK, how about this?

I feel guilty, but you're the one who learns the valuable lesson? Are you negotiating terms of remorse?

Why not? I've got a good teacher.

You're not so stupid, are you?

Mmm. So, can you take them up for me? I'll need them by nine.

Then, you're not so clever, either.

I think that goes over there.

Will it make any difference?

I rather like this look. It's kind of crazed and distressed.

Say nothing. I have the glue gun.

Well, I'm off. Oh, ho ho!

Well! Look at you!

Ha ha! Yeah!

Do you need any...eh, money?

I'm fine. And I wrote everything down. "You smell like L'Air du Temps." Wait for the dismemberment.

And keep away from fish. You never say that to me!

Hey, mate, look at you! Very James Bond!

Where are you going?

Wey-hey! Wey-hey!

Wey-hey!

Mike...flies. Oh!

You're letting a 12-year-old out on a date? He's growing up.

What? You never let me go out.

We should have. And changed the lock.

No, really. I wasn't allowed out until I was 13½. And you both followed us.

That wasn't us! Yeah, right Dad offered me some popcorn!

It still wasn't us. And that was then, this is now. Exactly. We're humans. We can change.

No, you're not. Who are you?

What have you done with our real parents?

Theme from "JAWS"

Have you had fish?

Do I smell?

Yeah. Like...air...

Oh...

OK.

SCREAM FROM FILM

Popcorn, anyone?

What are you doing? It's 6.30. It's early to be ruining my day.

I've lost my keys to the surgery. Tried searching?

I've prayed, I've asked my spirit guide, I phoned the LPPN.

Lost Property Psychic Network.

I even used astral projection. Nothing.

Have you checked your handbag?

Here they are!

It's always the last place you look.

With friends like you, who needs animals? Enemies. With friends like me, who needs enemies?

Don't be silly. Nobody needs enemies. That's like, "Who needs mosquitoes?"

Although, in a way, mosquitoes are animals, so we do need them.

Brigitte... Yeah?

Take the day off.