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1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:08,080
What's this? For Oxfam. Getting rid
of stuff we don't need. Like Nick?
2
00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:13,760
No, these people have suffered
enough. Did someone wear this?!
3
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:20,640
Well, it's from the '70s.
It was a different time, then.
People were hip, wild and...
4
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:25,760
Colour blind? Do you have anything
to contribute? It's a worthy cause.
5
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:29,400
Can I get some new clothes? No.
Sorry.
6
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:37,000
Ah, Thatcher's children.
What's this? I'm donating some
of our clothes to the Oxfam shop.
7
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,400
Some of "our" clothes?
8
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:42,600
Susan, these are all my clothes.
9
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,840
Some of mine are here. Where?
10
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,760
Ah! Here.
11
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:57,520
You're not throwing that away,
surely? Oh, maybe you're right.
12
00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:04,160
And what's this? I haven't worn it!
Are you going to wear it?
No, it's ugly.
13
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:10,640
And Susan, what is this? A terrible,
terrible mistake. I love this.
14
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:17,000
You haven't worn it in 25 years.
It'll come back in.
There'll be snow in hell.
15
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,440
Well, I'll need this, then.
16
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,680
And this is my lucky tie!
17
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:27,320
When was the last time you wore it?
Our wedding!
18
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:32,160
I want rid of everything we haven't
worn for at least five years.
19
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,800
Susan, I wore this shirt yesterday.
20
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,400
Yes, but I just hate that one.
21
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,040
I love this shirt. It's got holes.
22
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,680
There's no buttons, it's frayed.
23
00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:47,320
How much will Oxfam get for this?
About 40, 50p. OK.
24
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:51,760
Here's a pound.
And I'll take these while I'm at it.
25
00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,200
All set for a night out, then
26
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,960
Wow! All this cool gear!
27
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:02,880
You see? It's not junk, it's cool.
Go on, Nick. Take what you want.
28
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,920
Really?
29
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,280
Cool.
30
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:09,720
See you.
31
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:24,440
Hello, new girl. What's your name?
Am I dead? Did I disappear?
32
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:29,480
I'm just setting up for surgery,
Mr H. We ARE set up for surgery.
33
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:33,920
Here's the patient's mouth.
And...suction!
34
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:40,960
No, I'm setting up harmonically.
I'm aligning the vibrations
of this room with Mother Nature.
35
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:45,000
I'm sorry, what?
WHALES SING
36
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:51,600
What's this?
Song of the humpback whale.
37
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:56,840
I don't care if it's the song
of the lonely goatherd. Turn it off.
38
00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:02,320
It's relaxing. It's a dental surgery.
You're not meant to be relaxed.
39
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,960
How about the song of the narwhal?
40
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:10,120
No, no, no. Sea lion? No, sea lion.
African tree frog?
41
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,480
No! And don't turn it on again!
42
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:18,560
Right. I'm sorry, Mr Lewis...
STRANGE, WHALE-LIKE CRY
43
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:30,360
Would you get out, Brigitte, please?
Go and have a plankton break.
44
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:34,840
No wonder the last girl left.
You're very hostile.
45
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:38,360
She didn't leave. I killed her.
46
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:42,960
Figure of speech, Mr Lewis.
Take a rinse, please.
47
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:47,160
Hi. How's the new girl?
Trained at Sea World.
48
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:52,000
Is the garage finished with the car
yet? No. One minute, Mr Lewis.
49
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:59,040
They want to know how we drive it
without a brake pedal. There is one.
It's just in the back seat.
50
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:07,400
When your son tinkers with the car,
he should warn people and he should
not have a brake pedal left over.
51
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:12,440
When Nick annoys you he's MY son
and when you're proud of him...
52
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,880
No, it's never happened.
53
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:25,680
Good film, innit?
..You say that to show you are
interested in their opinions,
54
00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,120
while all the time...
55
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:32,760
Now, watch this move.
You've got to do it slowly.
56
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,680
Sorry. Hand slipped.
57
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,120
Thought you fancied me.
58
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:56,880
Stop it! This is important. This is
my first date and I'll do something
pants. I don't know the rules.
59
00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,120
With naughties, there aren't any.
60
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:05,160
Boys have all the responsibilities
and girls have an easy time of it.
61
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,680
They can just say stop.
62
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:12,680
OK, that's the one rule. A guy
has to stop if a girl tells him to.
63
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,360
What do I do if she doesn't say it?
64
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:21,600
Just a quick, "Thank you, God,"
would just about do it. Now you try.
65
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:27,000
No! Get off! She's mine!
Find your own.
66
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,640
Ugh! No, not him. That's a bloke.
67
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,480
Grab her twin sister. She's lovely.
68
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,480
Cool. Play it cool.
69
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,680
Smooth. I feel like a total prat!
70
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:49,280
Hey, look at this.
I fixed Dad's chair.
71
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:54,120
It wasn't broken. Well, anyone can
fix something that's broken.
72
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:57,840
A genius fixes things that work.
73
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,080
Hello!
74
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,640
What are you doing?
75
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,760
He fixed the chair. No more squeak.
76
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:10,960
I thought Dad said
never to touch anything of his?
77
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:18,000
He didn't say NEVER touch anything
of his. He said never touch ANYTHING.
Well, that's just parents.
78
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:22,640
You know what they're like.
"Blah blah blah..."
79
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:27,480
They don't really mean it.
Nobody could be that uptight.
80
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:33,200
"You drank milk from the bottle?
My life is ruined."
81
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:38,240
Besides, if I'm going for a part-time
job at Twin Exhaust, I need skills.
82
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:42,000
My whole Zen ninja mechanic thing.
83
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:46,680
Ninja mechanic? You drank milk
from the bottle? Yeah.
84
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:54,200
The Zen ninja has incredible focus.
He doesn't have to know what
he's doing. It's all instinct.
85
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:58,360
Did you pour it from a distance
or dribble it back?
86
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,160
Both!
87
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:06,000
Between my innate ability
to size up any mechanical problem,
88
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:11,160
plus the mature look
that comes with the moustache...
89
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,400
the job is mine.
90
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:20,360
What moustache? I've been growing it
all week. Can't see it.
91
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,400
What?
92
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,920
What if I do this?
93
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,720
Tilt your head to catch the light.
94
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,480
Down a bit.
95
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:36,920
Yeah, that's you! Thanks, Janey!
96
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,200
Hello, Mum! >
97
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:44,240
Don't mock the afflicted.
It's not nice.
98
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:49,320
Get the shopping from the car.
I'm not allowed to touch the car.
99
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:56,240
Michael will open the door for you.
Mummy, let me help you.
Thank you...whatever you're up to.
100
00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:00,680
Up to something?
I don't care. Keep helping.
101
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:05,320
You know Prada is having a sale?
You said. Last week.
102
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,760
Ah, the art of slow cooking.
103
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:14,800
You whip something up in the morning
and when you get home,
there it is...
104
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:19,360
whatever it is.
That looks disgusting!
105
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:26,000
The word "disgusting"
does not belong in a kitchen.
It looks interesting.
106
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:31,640
And tastes as interesting
as it looks. It needs pepper.
107
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:36,440
Or binning. If you're
buttering me up, it's not working.
108
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:41,320
No, but there are jeans at Prada
that I'd look brilliant in.
109
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:48,360
I'll add some pineapple chunks.
You're not even listening.
Yes, I am. I'm just not agreeing.
110
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:53,400
These are a £100 pair of jeans
marked down to...less than £100.
111
00:08:53,400 --> 00:09:00,440
I've got the money Grandma gave me.
For when you go to college.
We agreed. YOU agreed.
112
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:07,480
That's all I can do. I'll need jeans
at college. Buy them at college.
That's something to look forward to.
113
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,880
You're so unreasonable. It's my job.
114
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:15,920
I wish I was dead! Janey!
How can you say that?!
115
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:22,000
"I wish I WERE dead." Subjunctive.
Boys are impressed by good grammar.
116
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,040
Hi!
117
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:27,040
Bye! ..What's her problem?
118
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,360
Don't tell me.
119
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:34,800
She wants a nose ring.
She wants a tattoo.
120
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:39,440
She wants a cold sore
because all her friends have one.
121
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:44,680
Don't be sarcastic. I'm too tired
to be sarcastic. Mrs Newland rang.
122
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:49,320
My God! Why can't that woman ring
during office hours?
123
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,960
She says you never return her calls.
124
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,600
Because she's evil. No, she's not.
125
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:59,640
She loses her dentures and wants me
to make new ones. That is your job.
126
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:06,280
How can you lose six pairs
of dentures?
They're in your mouth or in a glass.
127
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,560
She must drink them by mistake.
128
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:14,600
Well, she didn't lose them this time.
They broke when someone sat on them.
129
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:19,040
I hope she wasn't wearing them
at the time.
130
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:23,480
That image has just ruined
my entire evening.
131
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:28,320
Oh, God, Susan. Why, why, why
did I become a dentist?
132
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:35,360
No-one respects you, no-one
slaps you on the back and says,
"Great bridgework, mate!"
133
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:40,400
Everyone avoids you at parties
cos they associate you with pain.
134
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:45,840
Ben, that's not dentistry, that's
you. I associate you with pleasure.
135
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:50,480
Susan, sometimes I think
things couldn't get worse.
136
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,000
Look on the bright side. That IS it.
137
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,640
Hey... I rest my case.
138
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:02,640
Either you bought a broken bottle
of ketchup or I dropped the bag.
139
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,280
In the sink, not on the table!
140
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:10,160
Hey, Dad... Mm-hm? Guess what.
141
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:15,200
You found a job and you're
moving out? You're such a joker!
142
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,840
Dad's such a joker.
143
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,600
No, I've fixed your chair.
144
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,720
You've what? It wasn't broken.
145
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:28,160
I got rid of the squeak.
I like the squeak.
146
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,600
I love the squeak!
147
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:35,640
I sit in MY chair, hear MY squeak...
It reminds me I'm not quite dead!
148
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:39,680
He's in a mood.
It's not a mood! It's life!
149
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:44,720
Just leave things alone, Nick!
If it's broken, don't fix it.
150
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:51,080
Don't pick it up. Nick, please,
don't touch anything anymore!
151
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:55,720
Dad! Relax, man.
I'll put the squeak back.
152
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,360
He's mad...!
153
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:07,600
What? ..He's just going
through an awkward phase.
154
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,640
20 years is not a phase, Susan.
155
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,080
It's him.
156
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,280
Mm.
157
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,080
Is this...
158
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,160
a pineapple chunk?
159
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,040
Yes. It's Hawaiian Medley Surprise.
160
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,480
Ah, that's really...
161
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,520
exotic.
162
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:41,560
You haven't touched it, Michael.
I'm not very hungry.
I'm tired. I might go to bed,
163
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,600
curl up with my pillow.
NICK LAUGHS
164
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:48,160
Are you upset about something?
No. Why?
165
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,600
Is this a radish?
166
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:54,600
I don't think they have radishes
in Hawaii.
167
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:59,640
The dish is called Hawaiian Medley
Surprise! The radish IS the surprise.
168
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,680
Surprise!
169
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:06,320
Now, Michael...
if you have a problem, talk it out.
170
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:11,160
Confronting it is half the solution.
Isn't that so, dear? No.
171
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:16,240
That makes a problem angry, then it
comes back with a mate to thump you.
172
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,800
Anyone want milk?
Not while you live here.
173
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:24,840
Michael, you can tell me. I'm a tour
guide. Communication is my life.
174
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:29,880
It's just not the sort of thing
you want to talk to your mum about.
175
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,920
Has the rash come back?
Oh, please, Susan...!
176
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:38,280
He's going out with a girl.
This is war!
177
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:43,120
Michael, don't touch my stuff!
I'm going to kill you!
178
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,160
Well, that certainly cleared the air.
179
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,800
It certainly cleared the room.
180
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:53,240
Why do you never back me up?
Years of experience.
181
00:13:53,240 --> 00:14:00,280
It's as if you don't like
the children. I... It's not
a question of like or dislike.
182
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:06,880
It's a question of fear. I'm
frightened of them. Two extremes.
183
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:11,920
They ignore you, which is demeaning,
or want answers which is terrifying.
184
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:17,320
If I'd known this, I never would
have had sex. Don't kid yourself.
185
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:24,880
Look, I'm sorry. She was going
to get it out of you, anyway.
186
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,880
She has to control everything.
187
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,320
Not me. Check these out.
188
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:35,160
Aren't they great? Not my size.
Too big in the bum. Read the signs!
189
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:39,800
"Women - keep out."
Yeah. Well, I'm not a woman.
190
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:43,240
Mikey, looking forward to your date?
191
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:50,240
Her parents are taking us
in the car. It's a start.
A pathetically slow start.
192
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:53,120
So, what's her name? Michelle.
193
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:58,680
Michelle from school? With burger
in her braces? It was macaroni.
194
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:03,040
You tasted it?
Don't be disgusting.
195
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,480
I know because she's a vegetarian.
196
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:09,720
At lunch she talked to me.
What did she say?
197
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:17,760
"Got a toothbrush?" Shut up.
Listen, if you're going to go out
with a girl, first of all...wash.
198
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:24,800
OK? Boys never seem to realise
that animal magnetism doesn't
necessarily mean animal smell.
199
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:31,600
Tell her you love her perfume.
What if she doesn't wear any?
Say she smells like L'Air du Temps.
200
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:36,640
L'Air du Temps! Yeah! No, too much.
Sounds like you wanna borrow it.
201
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:43,800
So, Janey, how much did you pay
for these? Nick! £98 for jeans
you're afraid to wear out the room!
202
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,400
I'm respecting Mum's feelings.
203
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:51,840
By lying to her. Yes. You lie all
the time. No, I tell the truth.
204
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,280
That's what scares them.
205
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,720
I'm off to pottery class.
206
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,680
I'm firing my own tonight.
207
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:05,520
Beautiful, isn't it? Yes,
and dinner was lovely. So earthy!
208
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:10,560
So was dinner. Well, I think it's
beautiful. We should be buried in it.
209
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:16,240
Blend our ashes together.
You'd probably hog most of the urn.
210
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:22,160
Mum, have you got a sec? Absolutely.
Carpe all the diem you can get.
211
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:28,480
The jeans. I thought about what
you said. Good. It's your decision.
212
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:33,520
Thanks. There's a pair of jeans,
or the respect of those who love you.
213
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:37,840
Frivolity or integrity.
A meaningless fad...
214
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:42,160
Mum, I've already bought them.
Oh...!
215
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:05,080
Something wrong? No, everything's
fine, everything's wonderful. Good.
216
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:13,480
How can you eat when things are
in such chaos? Strong stomach.
217
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,120
Honestly, Ben.
218
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,560
I don't understand you.
219
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:23,600
I'm calmly eating my breakfast while
you breathe like an Aberdeen Angus.
220
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:30,640
You don't understand
because you're deranged.
First of all, I am NOT breathing.
221
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,680
I am expressing myself sub-vocally.
222
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:38,520
Second, our children are
in open rebellion. It's a phase.
223
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:42,560
Don't...
I KNEW I'd get involved. Go on.
224
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:47,600
Our children are in crisis because
you and I give them crossed signals.
225
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:52,440
I haven't! My aim in life is to be
the black hole of signaldom.
226
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:59,480
No, we've both got to make more
of an effort to get through to them.
Because Janey bought those jeans.
227
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,120
That's just a temporary setback.
228
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:08,160
But this afternoon, Michael...
Oh, Michael...
229
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,200
..is going out with this...
230
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,240
woman.
231
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,800
They're both 12.
232
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,840
That's not the point.
233
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:24,880
Our son is crying out for guidance.
No, he's not! It's a silent cry.
234
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,360
A mother hears these things.
235
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:33,480
Then answer it. It's a silent cry
for his father. Sorry, don't hear it.
236
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,920
Because it's silent!
237
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:40,960
Well, a mother hears these things,
she must answer it... Father...
238
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:44,000
A mother... Father...
239
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,680
Daddy...!
240
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:53,320
OK, next stage.
When do I put my arm around her?
241
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:58,360
Simple. Wait for the first time
in the film when someone gets gored.
242
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:05,400
Or dismembered. When she screams
and leans into you, put your arm
round her and wey-hey!
243
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:12,080
Hiya.
Uh. Am I interrupting?
244
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:19,320
No. I was just giving him
some hints on the facts of life.
That's what I was afraid of.
245
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,760
Nick... Hm?
246
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,480
It's a book?
247
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,080
A film. No, it's a film.
248
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:33,520
How many syllables?
249
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,480
So...big boy, Michael.
250
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,680
Whoo-hoo.
251
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,520
Going out with a girl, then, eh?
252
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,960
Mm. Yeah.
253
00:19:54,960 --> 00:20:02,000
Well...
Your mother thinks that we...
should have a little chat.
254
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:07,040
No, I'm fine. Good. That's what
I thought. OK, see you later.
255
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:12,200
What do you do about the pressure?
What pressure? Listen, Michael...
256
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:18,360
According to some religions, you've
got to wait until the wedding night.
257
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:23,000
What? Yeah, the...
What? Different pressure.
258
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,760
What pressure are you talking about?
259
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:30,800
To know everything. To be cool and
easy when everything's a huge worry.
260
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:35,640
You've got to worry about
everything. All the major stages.
261
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:42,680
Major stages? Yeah. First, you hold
her hand. If she doesn't say stop,
you put your arm around her.
262
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,800
If she still doesn't say stop,
she expects a kiss.
263
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,440
So you kiss. Your first kiss.
264
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:54,080
Isn't that enough for one day?
Sure. Oh, yeah.
265
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:59,320
It would be nice to go home and
think about it for a bit. Think.
266
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,000
But what if she never says stop?!
267
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,680
Michael, that never happens.
268
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,120
But I...um...
269
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:14,520
You see, this is really difficult.
270
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:20,040
When I was first going out
with a girl, not your mother.
271
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:25,080
I mean, I remember going out with
your mother, but that's different.
272
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:28,960
I'm...wittering, aren't I?
273
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:34,520
Completely. Yeah, well...
This is really difficult, Michael.
274
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,960
Now, my dad...
275
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:42,000
My dad loved to give advice. I was
going out with this girl. He said,
276
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:47,040
"Ben, no matter how beautiful
you think she is, or how perfect,
277
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:54,080
"if she eats a dodgy piece of fish,
she'll end up chucking her guts up
like the rest of us."
278
00:21:54,080 --> 00:22:01,120
That's gross! That really is gross,
isn't it? I know...
But parents are like that.
279
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:05,960
They say the most demented things
and think it's clever.
280
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,000
Oh...
281
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:13,560
Michael, I... I don't know
what advice to give you.
282
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:20,520
I mean, all I can see
when I look at you is a little boy
with a Postman Pat doll...
283
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:25,360
and all I can say is don't be
in such a hurry to grow up, right?
284
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,800
I mean, that's stupid, isn't it?
285
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,080
OK?
Because you want to, don't you?
286
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:36,520
Well, that should
make your mother happy.
287
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:41,040
OK now? Feel good?
I think so. Yeah.
288
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:44,280
Dad? What does...mean?
289
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:55,240
I think we better sit down again,
shall we?
290
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:03,520
You left it blank,
where it says "Experience".
291
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,640
Well, I don't have any experience.
292
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,000
But I do have ninja focus.
293
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:16,520
Oh, right.
It's very impressive in action.
294
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,760
Eh, your birthday's June 15th.
What year?
295
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,920
Every year.
296
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:31,160
The moustache is new, though.
It can always come off.
297
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,480
DOOR SLAMS
298
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:47,120
If you're going to ignore me, Mum,
do you have to be so loud?
I'm just nursing a wound.
299
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:52,640
Go and play. I'll survive. You make
such a big thing out of nothing.
300
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:59,760
Oh, excuse me. I didn't realise
the trust and faith I put into
my only daughter would be "nothing".
301
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:04,600
Would you feel better if I took them
back? It might ease the pain.
302
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:09,240
I can't. Prada doesn't give refunds
on sales. So be it.
303
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:14,000
You chose between Miuccia Prada
and your mother and Miuccia won.
304
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,800
Although with that name,
the victory is Pyrrhic.
305
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:25,640
How about if I never wear them?
Is that what you want? No.
I want you to feel really guilty.
306
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:34,120
Heartbreakingly guilty.
No, not possible. I'm right. There's
nothing to feel guilty about.
307
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:40,560
You have to feel guilty when you
don't want to! That's how it works!
308
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:47,600
You think you're happy, then kapow!
It's been that way for generations.
OK, how about this?
309
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:54,920
I feel guilty, but you're the one
who learns the valuable lesson? Are
you negotiating terms of remorse?
310
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,560
Why not? I've got a good teacher.
311
00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,440
You're not so stupid, are you?
312
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:06,480
Mmm. So, can you take them up
for me? I'll need them by nine.
313
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,520
Then, you're not so clever, either.
314
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,960
I think that goes over there.
315
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,600
Will it make any difference?
316
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:19,240
I rather like this look.
It's kind of crazed and distressed.
317
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:21,720
Say nothing. I have the glue gun.
318
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:25,160
Well, I'm off. Oh, ho ho!
319
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,600
Well! Look at you!
320
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,240
Ha ha! Yeah!
321
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:33,960
Do you need any...eh, money?
322
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:41,000
I'm fine. And I wrote everything
down. "You smell like L'Air du
Temps." Wait for the dismemberment.
323
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:45,800
And keep away from fish.
You never say that to me!
324
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:50,640
Hey, mate, look at you!
Very James Bond!
325
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,080
Where are you going?
326
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,400
Wey-hey! Wey-hey!
327
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,080
Wey-hey!
328
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:01,800
Mike...flies. Oh!
329
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:07,920
You're letting a 12-year-old
out on a date? He's growing up.
330
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,720
What? You never let me go out.
331
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,680
We should have. And changed the lock.
332
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:20,200
No, really.
I wasn't allowed out until I was
13½. And you both followed us.
333
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:26,600
That wasn't us! Yeah, right
Dad offered me some popcorn!
334
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:33,760
It still wasn't us. And that was
then, this is now. Exactly.
We're humans. We can change.
335
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:37,600
No, you're not. Who are you?
336
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:44,480
What have you done
with our real parents?
337
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:49,360
Theme from "JAWS"
338
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,840
Have you had fish?
339
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,480
Do I smell?
340
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,520
Yeah. Like...air...
341
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,680
Oh...
342
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,720
OK.
343
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,480
SCREAM FROM FILM
344
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,920
Popcorn, anyone?
345
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:55,160
What are you doing? It's 6.30.
It's early to be ruining my day.
346
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:59,320
I've lost my keys to the surgery.
Tried searching?
347
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:04,040
I've prayed, I've asked my spirit
guide, I phoned the LPPN.
348
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:07,080
Lost Property Psychic Network.
349
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:11,840
I even used astral projection.
Nothing.
350
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:14,400
Have you checked your handbag?
351
00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:22,800
Here they are!
352
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:25,520
It's always the last place you look.
353
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:33,320
With friends like you, who needs
animals? Enemies. With friends
like me, who needs enemies?
354
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:38,760
Don't be silly. Nobody needs enemies.
That's like, "Who needs mosquitoes?"
355
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:43,840
Although, in a way, mosquitoes are
animals, so we do need them.
356
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,880
Brigitte... Yeah?
357
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,520
Take the day off.
31208
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