All language subtitles for My.Family.S01E06.Death.Takes.a.Policy.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-TBN_track3_[eng]

You know what puzzles me, Father
Connolly? The whole idea of death.

Why does it have to be
so bloody awful?

If God can do anything,
why can't he make it more fun?

STRUGGLES TO SPEAK

I know.
I can understand that argument,

but instead of suffering, why
can't he make it like great sex?

You know, go out with a bang!

Wouldn't cost God any extra,
would it?

And another thing.

Why does death have to go on and on
and on and sex is so short?

Doesn't make sense. Got
all his priorities wrong somewhere.

You know what they say, Mr Harper.

God works in mysterious ways
his wonders to perform.

If I worked in mysterious ways,
I'd been hauled in front
of a Dental Ethics Committee.

Mrs Dudley, let me explain
the range of treatments available.

I want the cheapest.

Don't you want to weigh up
the pros and cons?

You dentists are all alike - smooth
talking me with your sales chatter.

Before I know it, I'm forking out
a fortune for pointless bridge work.

I wouldn't put it past you to sap
my will with some mind-altering drug.

Yes, that is a thought, but...

Let me put it in a way
even you may understand.

There are two choices - expensive
and painless or cheap and agonising.

I'm not afraid of pain. I've had
seven children. My God, are you mad?

Mad about children! You must be.

Let's start with an X-ray.
No, you're not inflating the cost
with useless tests!

I'll get string, tie it round
the tooth, attach it to the door
and slam it shut! Are you working?

No, this is my hobby. What is it?
Your son is on the telephone.

I can't believe you have children.
Nor can I. What's it about?

£50. What? To unclamp the car.

Tell him I've died! Does he have
a job? He's a professional irritant!

What are you smiling at? This is
my look of supreme confidence.

Mr Harper, you've left vast areas
blank. Really?

Where?
Everything beyond name and address.

Date of birth!

For a job application,
you've got a lot of grey areas.

I thought you meant qualifications
as in strong intuition,
unflappable calm under pressure.

This is an application
for Sub-level Two at the Finance
Ministry of the European Union.

Qualifications means advanced
degrees, corporate experience
and skill with numbers.

Again you weren't too clear.

Is that clear enough?

You're just testing my unflappable
calm under pressure, aren't you?

No, I'm not. Security!

Hello. Is my husband busy? It says
a woman gave birth to a ten-pound
alien. Do you believe that?

From the moment they pop out,
they're all aliens. So is he in?
On what level?

I don't like your attitude!

I don't like your moustache!

He's not a people person,
your husband. No, but great legs.

Busy? Very.

Liar! Is Ronnie Passmore
still with the Foreign Office? Who?
He sang Waterloo at our wedding.

The only person who sang at our
wedding was your father. Ob-la-di,
Ob-la-da. Over and over again!

It was somebody's wedding and
we were both there. Do you remember
his number? Whose? Whatshisname?

Whatshisname? It's zero, blank,
something, something, blank, blank.
You're not trying.

No. Why the Foreign Office?

One of our tour guides took
a group of Chinese businessmen
to Madame Tussaud's.

32 of them went in and only 31 came
out. Apparently, Mr Chen is missing.

Maybe he's defected. This is the
new millennium. Everyone's happy!

You've been reading Hello again!
You see my dilemma. In 15 years
our office has never lost a tourist.

What about the guy at
Westminster Abbey? He was arrested.

What about the four Americans
in the Hampton Court Maze? That's
the point of a maze - getting lost!

What about
the Elephant House incident?

You always look
on the negative side, don't you?

If you're not gonna help me,
I might as well go.

What do you want for dinner
tonight? A Chinese takeaway!

Not funny! See you later.
Unless you want to give me
a lift back to the office.

Susan, darling! This is
a professional surgery in the
middle of a very, very busy day!

It's like Piccadilly Circus in here!

All right. Despite your
appalling attitude, I'm prepared
to give you a second chance.

Want that lift?

Mum, why can't I have a water bra?
A what? A water bra. All my friends
are wearing them. Name one!

She's got ears like a bat!

Dee, Kelly, Sophie,
Maxine, Briony, Paula.

Mum, she's stuck!
Don't get involved.

I'll tell the school
you wet the bed. I don't.

Who would they believe?
I warned you!

So, Dad, you think I can have one?

A water bra? A bra with water?
Considering your mates have pins
in every available appendage,

I'd have thought it was a dodgy
piece of attire. Is that a yes?

It's a no comment. Dad said I can.
He didn't. If he did, he was wrong.

Be happy with what God gave you.
Dad has bigger breasts!

What? How did I get involved?
I'm just sitting here!

Why is no-one eating?
The peas look burnt.

They're crispy-crunchy.
In many countries
crispy-crunchy peas are a delicacy.

Name one. Zamboni. You just made
that up. Prove it. Bon appetit!

Michael, just eat it.

You go first. You're the smallest.
You'll react right away.

Please, all of you!

Why don't we eat around the peas?

Sorry. I have only one rule
and that's once a day we all eat
together like a normal family.

Normal families don't eat together.
Why are you late? Maybe
he was finding a job. I was.

You've got a job? I went
down the Jobcentre and found
a well-paying, professional job.

Yes, yes! Come on, pay up!

What is this? Your father and I had
a wager about when you'd get a job.

Just as well I've got
high self-esteem. If we didn't make
light of your employment record...

We'd put a sack over your head and
clobber you like a baby seal! Dad!

Seals are our friends. Fur coats
are bad. Unless it's your mother's.

- I inherited that coat.
- From 20 mink.

Those animals died of natural causes.
Very old. Heart attack.

In their sleep. You shouldn't wear
it. Like wearing death on your back.

As opposed to two blobs of water
on your front. Great peas!

So, Nick, dear.

Tell us about your job.

Well, actually,
it's not exactly my job.

Money!

I said I found it.
I didn't say I took it.

I'll get the club and the sack.

I left it for Emily.
Who's Emily? Emily Foster.

What? She's so fit. She's got this
great smile and great long legs.

When she sits down, her skirt
rides up until you can see...
Our convent girl!

I like her. Can I bring her round?
For dinner? Not if he likes her!

For a chat about our future and
how Dad can help with her career.
She wants to be a dentist?

Like I'd go out with a dentist

I did. You got the last good one!
Good save!

When I saw your dad sitting on
his dental stool, his white smock
rising all the way up...

I'm finished! I feel sick! Whoa!

Em doesn't want to be a dentist.
She sells life insurance.
Oh, my God! Now I'm gonna be sick!

She wants to build her confidence.
We already have insurance.

Since when? Since Nicky was born.
PHONE RINGS

We talked about it, you didn't want
to talk about it, so I forged
your signature and we have insurance.

You insured me behind my back? What
is this? A bloody Hitchcock movie?

Dad, Dad...
Look, if you buy a policy,

Emily will be so grateful, she'll
say, "Nick, how can I ever thank
you?" I might just have the answer!

What, like...? You know what I mean.

No.

OK, what if it's just
a small policy? I already have
a small policy. Never pay for sex.

It's not paying for sex. It's
paying for a loving relationship
that hopefully leads to sex.

No. How about this? You buy
the policy and I'll pay you back.

You've no money. I'll borrow it
from Emily. She has a job. No. Come
on, Dad. No! I'm not listening!

That was the office.
This is important. So is this.

They found Mr Chen dead.
Draped across Lord Nelson.

They thought he was Captain Hardy.

'In the Middle East... Another
disaster in... ..body of a woman.

'Recreating the Trevi Fountain...'
I was watching that! You weren't!

I was. What was it? There's been
a major coup in...Zamboni.

I'm upset. Have some tea. I'm
very upset. Have some herbal tea.

That's what's wrong with the world.
People lock up their emotions.
Thank God!

Don't you want to know
what people are feeling?

I'm a dentist. All day long I'm
exposed to what people are feeling
and it's usually, "Ouch!"

After a long day of "ouch",
I look forward to a bit of "Aaaah!"

Or a bit of peace and quiet. Poor
Mr Chen. Which I'm not going to get.

OK, what are you really feeling?
That's not important.

I'm worried about the children.
That's too late.

Do you realise Mr Chen's passing
is their first death?

Mr Chen's passing? Mr Chen, a man
they've never met, died in a place
they've never been.

These kids are so scrambled.
It's an emotional minefield!

There's no point talking to you.

That was my plan.

They really don't look any bigger.

No, I don't think getting closer
to the mirror will help... Really?

Yeah, all right. I'll give it a go.
I'll call you later.

Wow!

This is fant... Aagh!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Just a minute, Mum!

Hang on!

Busy? Just exercising.

I've really worked up a sweat.

Look! Janey, I think we should talk.

Right now? I need to shower.
Listen, I've just had some news.

Where am I gonna start?

You know, Janey, dear,
sometimes in life things happen
that we don't plan.

You're pregnant! I'm so embarrassed!

No! Oh, Lord, no, no.

No, er...

Mr Chen died.

Who? Mr Chen, the Chinese gentleman
we lost at Tussaud's.

Oh. Heart attack. In the middle
of the Battle of Trafalgar.

They
thought he was part of the tableau.

Oh. Did you know that when I was
a girl, my grandfather died
in just the same way?

What, at Tussaud's?
No, you know, suddenly.

It being then and me being young,
none of the adults talked to me.

There were so many questions I needed
to ask, but no-one paid attention.

To what?

I wanted to tell you your father
and I are here if there's
any questions you need to ask.

No. I'm fine. All right, then.

By the way, take it back if it leaks
and don't buy another one.

So, everyone holding up
under the strain?

Don't be sarcastic.

Although Janey feels she has
to hide her turmoil behind a facade
of blase indifference.

What facade? She's never even met
the man. That's not the point.

Their whole generation feels
they have to act so cool and "duh"
about everything.

I'm glad I'm not a child any more.

Yes, so am I.

I'd be arrested!

Oh, where were you last night?

I was here. You came to bed late.

10.30? To have a good time, you
have to be here by ten. What time
is it now? Five to. Let's get going!

Life is so fragile!

Oh, my God! No, no, it's true
when you think of it.

It's all so sad.

Everything.

Youth, permanence,

security.

All...illusions leading to decay

and ashes.

So are you still in the mood?

Right, Mr Briggs, I think
the anaesthetic's taken effect.

Can you feel that? Agh!

All right, we'll wait.
Hmm?

Why not take a glass...of water?
Stimulates the gums.
Speeds things along a little bit.

Very nice of you to have
the onion salad for lunch.

Your son's outside.
I am so sorry. So am I.

He told me about your loss.
I didn't lose him. My wife lost him.

I lost a tortoise once.
Not a pet story!

His name was Spartacus.
I called him Roger.

But I got over it. Do you want
to know how? Vast amounts
of anti-psychotic drugs?

Dad, what's the word? Unemployable.

He's very tense cos death is in the
air. Not you. They're talking about
me, but your concern is touching.

Mum thinks the insurance thing
is a great idea.

She also thinks she's a gourmet
cook. Give it some thought. I have.

The fact is, I'm not going to die.
Just to spite you.

May I say something? No.

Much as I admire you, Mr H -
admire is a bit too strong a word -
you are missing the big picture.

No, small man, small business. She's
right. A good life insurance...

I'm not talking
petty-bourgeois life insurance.
I am talking the great mandala.

The South African bloke
with the batty ex-wife?

The mystic wheel of life
where all truth is found.

You picked another winner here, Dad!

According to the great mandala,

everything, life, death is
interconnected through an infinite
web of relationships. With me?

People, for example, eat chops
which come from cows
which are raised in Scotland

which in the war of the Austrian
Succession was supported by the
French who cook with loads of garlic

which repels vampires
who suck the blood out of whom?

Bats?

No, people who eat chops.
Voila! Le cercle est complet!

Brigitte, chops come from pigs
and sheep, not cows.

Dad, if you buy a policy and it all
goes well with Emily, who knows?

It could get serious,
she'll want me to live with her,
so I'll move out. Bring her tonight.

So you're thinking about
life insurance? Where do we sign?

Have you thought, Mr Harper,
what life would be like

for your family if you weren't here?

Cheque, pen, signing!

Result! Let's go. No, Nick.

And you, Mrs Harper,

what you would do if Mr Harper
were gone and you were all alone?

Well, I'd be...sad, I suppose.

Yes, but more than sad. Would you
be able to afford your lovely home?

What do you mean, "Sad, I suppose"?

They've already bought it,
so if we move it along a bit.
OK, on to Section Two.

Will this take long? I have to feed
the children...watch them grow,
attend their wedding.

Are you a smoker, Mr Harper?
No. No, I gave up.

Have you ever had cramps? No.
Boils, lesions, tumours? No.

We had a plague of locusts once.
What's going on?

Your dad's buying life insurance.
Why?
Because he loves you a lot.

Is Dad gonna die?
Not for a long time.

But you can never be sure. Did you
know that more dentists die young
than in any other profession?

Miss Foster, so sorry you must be
going. Nick, show your friend out.

Would you like a souvenir pen?

It's got our motto. "Anything that
could happen could happen to you."
Including this!

Bye-bye. Thank you for coming.
Isn't she great?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, hi, hi!

Shouldn't you still be in bed?
I'm thinking.

Oh, dear! Why do people have to die?

I'll go and get your mother.
She's great at these
sort of things. Dad...

Oh, Mike, I mean, you know...

Death, all right, the big D.

When I was younger,
I used to think that people died
because life was unfair.

And then when I saw you
and your brother and sister born,
I realised life WAS unfair!

And expensive.

Forget it. No, it's OK, sit down,
lighten up. This is difficult.

I'm just finding my way in here.
Can I have a bit of that?
Help yourself.

Thanks.

I think you can keep that.

Try this, OK?

Imagine life is a piece of string.
What kind? String, string.
There's all kinds.

There's kite string, there's twine.

There's fishing line.
There's rope, there's rope!

I'm talking about string.
Little string, OK?

It's got a beginning, a middle
and an end.

It gets twisted and knotted
and it can be cut short.

Or have a conker put on the end.
Or have a conker put...

I don't think you're getting
the string thing. No.

I know. Remember when I took you
to that safari park?

That was Nick. Was it Nick?
Yeah. It was Nick.

That's a really bad example.

Where have I taken you, then?

The Millennium Dome.

Yeah, I'm really sorry about that.

Hey! Alton Towers! Do you remember
that Nemesis white-knuckle ride
that we waited for ever to get on?

And you started swearing
and you forced your way to the front.
All right, so you remember.

Well, the Nemesis ride
is a lot like life.

You think nothing's ever gonna
happen. It starts off very slowly.

And then before you know it,
you're at the top

and the view is...is wonderful.

It's great.

From then on, it's downhill all the
way through darkness, death-defying
bends, stomach-churning lurches...

That's death? No, that's still life.

You are still living,
but, oh, God...

Wouldn't you rather hear
where babies come from?

Everyone knows that.

Do they? Not when I was your age.

Are you going to die young
like she said?

No, no.
Firstly, I am too old to die young.

Secondly, she goes out with your
brother, so what does she know?
Let's have another biscuit.

You're trying to avoid this. For
as long as I can, Michael. Good.

So any other questions? Yeah.
What actually is the point
of a water bra?

Susan!

You're not planning
to eat in the bedroom, are you?

No, I'm not.

You know something? Mm-hm?

I'm feeling really, really old.

So am I.

I looked in the mirror earlier
and I swear to God my nose is twice
the length it was this morning!

It grows. That and the ears.

I watched this programme once on
ageing, and if you live long enough,

all your appendages grow 50% larger
than they were to begin with.

Except that one.

What time is it?

10.45. Let's go wild!

I'm never going out
with a girl again ever!

I'm glad you can share these things
with your parents, but knock
before you come barging in. Why?

You weren't doing anything,
were you? At this time of night?

Thank God for that!

You made me forget why I came in.

Why did we choose to have him?

We didn't. It was the jug of
margaritas at the Mexican restaurant.

Yes. He was almost Jose Cuervo.

Two more drinks
and he would have been Tia Maria!

Don't either of you care?
Emily dumped me.

She's so successful, she only wants
a boyfriend with a job. How shallow!

That is really shallow. The cow!

Actually, could you get out now,
Nick, cos me and your mother
want to, um...

plug in our hearing aids
and listen to the World Service.

Yep.

What's the World Service?
Just get out, Nick, OK?

Dad, by the way, that new assistant
of yours at the surgery

is very tasty!

Get out. Right.

She dumped him? How long
have we got to stop the cheque?

What cheque?

We're being very short-sighted.

I know. Let's go wild!

Oh, God! What, what, what?

My back, my back!
Oh, my God, I can't move!

Wanna bet?