Original subtitles

You know what puzzles me, Father Connolly? The whole idea of death.

Why does it have to be so bloody awful?

If God can do anything, why can't he make it more fun?

STRUGGLES TO SPEAK

I know. I can understand that argument,

but instead of suffering, why can't he make it like great sex?

You know, go out with a bang!

Wouldn't cost God any extra, would it?

And another thing.

Why does death have to go on and on and on and sex is so short?

Doesn't make sense. Got all his priorities wrong somewhere.

You know what they say, Mr Harper.

God works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform.

If I worked in mysterious ways, I'd been hauled in front of a Dental Ethics Committee.

Mrs Dudley, let me explain the range of treatments available.

I want the cheapest.

Don't you want to weigh up the pros and cons?

You dentists are all alike - smooth talking me with your sales chatter.

Before I know it, I'm forking out a fortune for pointless bridge work.

I wouldn't put it past you to sap my will with some mind-altering drug.

Yes, that is a thought, but...

Let me put it in a way even you may understand.

There are two choices - expensive and painless or cheap and agonising.

I'm not afraid of pain. I've had seven children. My God, are you mad?

Mad about children! You must be.

Let's start with an X-ray. No, you're not inflating the cost with useless tests!

I'll get string, tie it round the tooth, attach it to the door and slam it shut! Are you working?

No, this is my hobby. What is it? Your son is on the telephone.

I can't believe you have children. Nor can I. What's it about?

£50. What? To unclamp the car.

Tell him I've died! Does he have a job? He's a professional irritant!

What are you smiling at? This is my look of supreme confidence.

Mr Harper, you've left vast areas blank. Really?

Where? Everything beyond name and address.

Date of birth!

For a job application, you've got a lot of grey areas.

I thought you meant qualifications as in strong intuition, unflappable calm under pressure.

This is an application for Sub-level Two at the Finance Ministry of the European Union.

Qualifications means advanced degrees, corporate experience and skill with numbers.

Again you weren't too clear.

Is that clear enough?

You're just testing my unflappable calm under pressure, aren't you?

No, I'm not. Security!

Hello. Is my husband busy? It says a woman gave birth to a ten-pound alien. Do you believe that?

From the moment they pop out, they're all aliens. So is he in? On what level?

I don't like your attitude!

I don't like your moustache!

He's not a people person, your husband. No, but great legs.

Busy? Very.

Liar! Is Ronnie Passmore still with the Foreign Office? Who? He sang Waterloo at our wedding.

The only person who sang at our wedding was your father. Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da. Over and over again!

It was somebody's wedding and we were both there. Do you remember his number? Whose? Whatshisname?

Whatshisname? It's zero, blank, something, something, blank, blank. You're not trying.

No. Why the Foreign Office?

One of our tour guides took a group of Chinese businessmen to Madame Tussaud's.

32 of them went in and only 31 came out. Apparently, Mr Chen is missing.

Maybe he's defected. This is the new millennium. Everyone's happy!

You've been reading Hello again! You see my dilemma. In 15 years our office has never lost a tourist.

What about the guy at Westminster Abbey? He was arrested.

What about the four Americans in the Hampton Court Maze? That's the point of a maze - getting lost!

What about the Elephant House incident?

You always look on the negative side, don't you?

If you're not gonna help me, I might as well go.

What do you want for dinner tonight? A Chinese takeaway!

Not funny! See you later. Unless you want to give me a lift back to the office.

Susan, darling! This is a professional surgery in the middle of a very, very busy day!

It's like Piccadilly Circus in here!

All right. Despite your appalling attitude, I'm prepared to give you a second chance.

Want that lift?

Mum, why can't I have a water bra? A what? A water bra. All my friends are wearing them. Name one!

She's got ears like a bat!

Dee, Kelly, Sophie, Maxine, Briony, Paula.

Mum, she's stuck! Don't get involved.

I'll tell the school you wet the bed. I don't.

Who would they believe? I warned you!

So, Dad, you think I can have one?

A water bra? A bra with water? Considering your mates have pins in every available appendage,

I'd have thought it was a dodgy piece of attire. Is that a yes?

It's a no comment. Dad said I can. He didn't. If he did, he was wrong.

Be happy with what God gave you. Dad has bigger breasts!

What? How did I get involved? I'm just sitting here!

Why is no-one eating? The peas look burnt.

They're crispy-crunchy. In many countries crispy-crunchy peas are a delicacy.

Name one. Zamboni. You just made that up. Prove it. Bon appetit!

Michael, just eat it.

You go first. You're the smallest. You'll react right away.

Please, all of you!

Why don't we eat around the peas?

Sorry. I have only one rule and that's once a day we all eat together like a normal family.

Normal families don't eat together. Why are you late? Maybe he was finding a job. I was.

You've got a job? I went down the Jobcentre and found a well-paying, professional job.

Yes, yes! Come on, pay up!

What is this? Your father and I had a wager about when you'd get a job.

Just as well I've got high self-esteem. If we didn't make light of your employment record...

We'd put a sack over your head and clobber you like a baby seal! Dad!

Seals are our friends. Fur coats are bad. Unless it's your mother's.

- I inherited that coat. - From 20 mink.

Those animals died of natural causes. Very old. Heart attack.

In their sleep. You shouldn't wear it. Like wearing death on your back.

As opposed to two blobs of water on your front. Great peas!

So, Nick, dear.

Tell us about your job.

Well, actually, it's not exactly my job.

Money!

I said I found it. I didn't say I took it.

I'll get the club and the sack.

I left it for Emily. Who's Emily? Emily Foster.

What? She's so fit. She's got this great smile and great long legs.

When she sits down, her skirt rides up until you can see... Our convent girl!

I like her. Can I bring her round? For dinner? Not if he likes her!

For a chat about our future and how Dad can help with her career. She wants to be a dentist?

Like I'd go out with a dentist

I did. You got the last good one! Good save!

When I saw your dad sitting on his dental stool, his white smock rising all the way up...

I'm finished! I feel sick! Whoa!

Em doesn't want to be a dentist. She sells life insurance. Oh, my God! Now I'm gonna be sick!

She wants to build her confidence. We already have insurance.

Since when? Since Nicky was born. PHONE RINGS

We talked about it, you didn't want to talk about it, so I forged your signature and we have insurance.

You insured me behind my back? What is this? A bloody Hitchcock movie?

Dad, Dad... Look, if you buy a policy,

Emily will be so grateful, she'll say, "Nick, how can I ever thank you?" I might just have the answer!

What, like...? You know what I mean.

No.

OK, what if it's just a small policy? I already have a small policy. Never pay for sex.

It's not paying for sex. It's paying for a loving relationship that hopefully leads to sex.

No. How about this? You buy the policy and I'll pay you back.

You've no money. I'll borrow it from Emily. She has a job. No. Come on, Dad. No! I'm not listening!

That was the office. This is important. So is this.

They found Mr Chen dead. Draped across Lord Nelson.

They thought he was Captain Hardy.

'In the Middle East... Another disaster in... ..body of a woman.

'Recreating the Trevi Fountain...' I was watching that! You weren't!

I was. What was it? There's been a major coup in...Zamboni.

I'm upset. Have some tea. I'm very upset. Have some herbal tea.

That's what's wrong with the world. People lock up their emotions. Thank God!

Don't you want to know what people are feeling?

I'm a dentist. All day long I'm exposed to what people are feeling and it's usually, "Ouch!"

After a long day of "ouch", I look forward to a bit of "Aaaah!"

Or a bit of peace and quiet. Poor Mr Chen. Which I'm not going to get.

OK, what are you really feeling? That's not important.

I'm worried about the children. That's too late.

Do you realise Mr Chen's passing is their first death?

Mr Chen's passing? Mr Chen, a man they've never met, died in a place they've never been.

These kids are so scrambled. It's an emotional minefield!

There's no point talking to you.

That was my plan.

They really don't look any bigger.

No, I don't think getting closer to the mirror will help... Really?

Yeah, all right. I'll give it a go. I'll call you later.

Wow!

This is fant... Aagh!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Just a minute, Mum!

Hang on!

Busy? Just exercising.

I've really worked up a sweat.

Look! Janey, I think we should talk.

Right now? I need to shower. Listen, I've just had some news.

Where am I gonna start?

You know, Janey, dear, sometimes in life things happen that we don't plan.

You're pregnant! I'm so embarrassed!

No! Oh, Lord, no, no.

No, er...

Mr Chen died.

Who? Mr Chen, the Chinese gentleman we lost at Tussaud's.

Oh. Heart attack. In the middle of the Battle of Trafalgar.

They thought he was part of the tableau.

Oh. Did you know that when I was a girl, my grandfather died in just the same way?

What, at Tussaud's? No, you know, suddenly.

It being then and me being young, none of the adults talked to me.

There were so many questions I needed to ask, but no-one paid attention.

To what?

I wanted to tell you your father and I are here if there's any questions you need to ask.

No. I'm fine. All right, then.

By the way, take it back if it leaks and don't buy another one.

So, everyone holding up under the strain?

Don't be sarcastic.

Although Janey feels she has to hide her turmoil behind a facade of blase indifference.

What facade? She's never even met the man. That's not the point.

Their whole generation feels they have to act so cool and "duh" about everything.

I'm glad I'm not a child any more.

Yes, so am I.

I'd be arrested!

Oh, where were you last night?

I was here. You came to bed late.

10.30? To have a good time, you have to be here by ten. What time is it now? Five to. Let's get going!

Life is so fragile!

Oh, my God! No, no, it's true when you think of it.

It's all so sad.

Everything.

Youth, permanence,

security.

All...illusions leading to decay

and ashes.

So are you still in the mood?

Right, Mr Briggs, I think the anaesthetic's taken effect.

Can you feel that? Agh!

All right, we'll wait. Hmm?

Why not take a glass...of water? Stimulates the gums. Speeds things along a little bit.

Very nice of you to have the onion salad for lunch.

Your son's outside. I am so sorry. So am I.

He told me about your loss. I didn't lose him. My wife lost him.

I lost a tortoise once. Not a pet story!

His name was Spartacus. I called him Roger.

But I got over it. Do you want to know how? Vast amounts of anti-psychotic drugs?

Dad, what's the word? Unemployable.

He's very tense cos death is in the air. Not you. They're talking about me, but your concern is touching.

Mum thinks the insurance thing is a great idea.

She also thinks she's a gourmet cook. Give it some thought. I have.

The fact is, I'm not going to die. Just to spite you.

May I say something? No.

Much as I admire you, Mr H - admire is a bit too strong a word - you are missing the big picture.

No, small man, small business. She's right. A good life insurance...

I'm not talking petty-bourgeois life insurance. I am talking the great mandala.

The South African bloke with the batty ex-wife?

The mystic wheel of life where all truth is found.

You picked another winner here, Dad!

According to the great mandala,

everything, life, death is interconnected through an infinite web of relationships. With me?

People, for example, eat chops which come from cows which are raised in Scotland

which in the war of the Austrian Succession was supported by the French who cook with loads of garlic

which repels vampires who suck the blood out of whom?

Bats?

No, people who eat chops. Voila! Le cercle est complet!

Brigitte, chops come from pigs and sheep, not cows.

Dad, if you buy a policy and it all goes well with Emily, who knows?

It could get serious, she'll want me to live with her, so I'll move out. Bring her tonight.

So you're thinking about life insurance? Where do we sign?

Have you thought, Mr Harper, what life would be like

for your family if you weren't here?

Cheque, pen, signing!

Result! Let's go. No, Nick.

And you, Mrs Harper,

what you would do if Mr Harper were gone and you were all alone?

Well, I'd be...sad, I suppose.

Yes, but more than sad. Would you be able to afford your lovely home?

What do you mean, "Sad, I suppose"?

They've already bought it, so if we move it along a bit. OK, on to Section Two.

Will this take long? I have to feed the children...watch them grow, attend their wedding.

Are you a smoker, Mr Harper? No. No, I gave up.

Have you ever had cramps? No. Boils, lesions, tumours? No.

We had a plague of locusts once. What's going on?

Your dad's buying life insurance. Why? Because he loves you a lot.

Is Dad gonna die? Not for a long time.

But you can never be sure. Did you know that more dentists die young than in any other profession?

Miss Foster, so sorry you must be going. Nick, show your friend out.

Would you like a souvenir pen?

It's got our motto. "Anything that could happen could happen to you." Including this!

Bye-bye. Thank you for coming. Isn't she great?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, hi, hi!

Shouldn't you still be in bed? I'm thinking.

Oh, dear! Why do people have to die?

I'll go and get your mother. She's great at these sort of things. Dad...

Oh, Mike, I mean, you know...

Death, all right, the big D.

When I was younger, I used to think that people died because life was unfair.

And then when I saw you and your brother and sister born, I realised life WAS unfair!

And expensive.

Forget it. No, it's OK, sit down, lighten up. This is difficult.

I'm just finding my way in here. Can I have a bit of that? Help yourself.

Thanks.

I think you can keep that.

Try this, OK?

Imagine life is a piece of string. What kind? String, string. There's all kinds.

There's kite string, there's twine.

There's fishing line. There's rope, there's rope!

I'm talking about string. Little string, OK?

It's got a beginning, a middle and an end.

It gets twisted and knotted and it can be cut short.

Or have a conker put on the end. Or have a conker put...

I don't think you're getting the string thing. No.

I know. Remember when I took you to that safari park?

That was Nick. Was it Nick? Yeah. It was Nick.

That's a really bad example.

Where have I taken you, then?

The Millennium Dome.

Yeah, I'm really sorry about that.

Hey! Alton Towers! Do you remember that Nemesis white-knuckle ride that we waited for ever to get on?

And you started swearing and you forced your way to the front. All right, so you remember.

Well, the Nemesis ride is a lot like life.

You think nothing's ever gonna happen. It starts off very slowly.

And then before you know it, you're at the top

and the view is...is wonderful.

It's great.

From then on, it's downhill all the way through darkness, death-defying bends, stomach-churning lurches...

That's death? No, that's still life.

You are still living, but, oh, God...

Wouldn't you rather hear where babies come from?

Everyone knows that.

Do they? Not when I was your age.

Are you going to die young like she said?

No, no. Firstly, I am too old to die young.

Secondly, she goes out with your brother, so what does she know? Let's have another biscuit.

You're trying to avoid this. For as long as I can, Michael. Good.

So any other questions? Yeah. What actually is the point of a water bra?

Susan!

You're not planning to eat in the bedroom, are you?

No, I'm not.

You know something? Mm-hm?

I'm feeling really, really old.

So am I.

I looked in the mirror earlier and I swear to God my nose is twice the length it was this morning!

It grows. That and the ears.

I watched this programme once on ageing, and if you live long enough,

all your appendages grow 50% larger than they were to begin with.

Except that one.

What time is it?

10.45. Let's go wild!

I'm never going out with a girl again ever!

I'm glad you can share these things with your parents, but knock before you come barging in. Why?

You weren't doing anything, were you? At this time of night?

Thank God for that!

You made me forget why I came in.

Why did we choose to have him?

We didn't. It was the jug of margaritas at the Mexican restaurant.

Yes. He was almost Jose Cuervo.

Two more drinks and he would have been Tia Maria!

Don't either of you care? Emily dumped me.

She's so successful, she only wants a boyfriend with a job. How shallow!

That is really shallow. The cow!

Actually, could you get out now, Nick, cos me and your mother want to, um...

plug in our hearing aids and listen to the World Service.

Yep.

What's the World Service? Just get out, Nick, OK?

Dad, by the way, that new assistant of yours at the surgery

is very tasty!

Get out. Right.

She dumped him? How long have we got to stop the cheque?

What cheque?

We're being very short-sighted.

I know. Let's go wild!

Oh, God! What, what, what?

My back, my back! Oh, my God, I can't move!

Wanna bet?