Original subtitles

Anybody home?! What?

I said, "Anybody home"? Can't hear - I'm upstairs. Never mind.

I'm putting away the washing. Never mind. Forget it. WHAT did you get?

Must you shout? It'd be a civilised conversation, if your father didn't mumble. I don't. I have adenoids.

If I'm so annoying, fold your own bloody clothes!!

I HATE this house! DOOR SLAMS

Hello, Dad. Good luck, Michael.

Anybody home? What the hell's going on? Shut up! I'm not your slave!

Is Mike back yet?

Sad thing is, these are the best years of your life.

Good morning, Mr H. What's happened to my surgery? Your chi was in a very bad place.

It's fine...whatever it is. The energy of your life force.

Feng shui says we can change our environment to attain happiness. Excuse us, Mr Shui. Mr Ashcroft.

Feng shui is the Chinese practice of creating a positive energy flow. I prefer my energy static.

Where's my stool? That had to go. It was oozing negativity.

Brigitte, in case you hadn't noticed, THIS isn't China. It's England.

In England, we like routine, we don't like change, so change it all back and leave my chi alone.

Know what my two favourite words are in the English language? Status quo. Nothing happens, nothing goes wrong.

..Why is this chair facing the other way round? Feet facing the door means death.

I LIKE my chair facing the door,

and if it means losing a few patients, so be it.

Good. I need you to open this. No kiss. No, "How was your day?"

How was your day? Open. Smells good. I haven't started cooking yet. That explains it.

Is it arsenic or cyanide that smells like almonds? Anything would help.

This girl Brigitte is totally bizarre.

She has decided to feng shui my entire surgery. She's trying to help. She's not helping.

She actually moved my chair. 'Ah, the she-devil!'

How was YOUR day? Fine. Till one man had his pocket picked in the Houses of Parliament. High crime area

I spent the whole afternoon in Cannon Road police station. Crime is out of control.

Don't start that again. Mrs Hapshaw was mugged the other day. She was in Florida. And number eight.

They've put bars on their windows. Cos their kids look like apes!

Whatever you're cooking, it smells great. Haven't started yet.

It must be Dad's aftershave. You smell beautiful, Dad.

Very manly.

Lucky woman.

I think he might want something. Yes, but how can you tell?

The answer is no. What? 'Wot?'

You were gonna ask me for money, weren't you? How do you...? 'How'?

I was just sitting here. Ah, good. Good. Besides, I don't want you to give me money. Good. Wanna borrow it.

You really don't have to laugh. No, you're quite right. Sorry.

As I was saying, I'll pay you back.

Have you finished? Not quite. I'm just... No, I've finished. OK.

Next. I wanna borrow money. No.

D'you wanna know why? Because you haven't got a job? Wanna buy a car.

No.

Any time I ask to borrow money, you say no. You see the pattern.

You want money, you get a job. Need to buy a car to find a job. You can see the problem. I'm looking at it.

Is that a yeah? It's a, um...

Wicked, Dad. Cheers, mate.

Now, I'll pay you back when I'm about 30, or something. ..70p?!

What's this for? Bus fare.

DOORBELL RINGS Someone get that. Get it or I stop the cheque. No

As a boy, 70p meant... You could buy yourself out of the Dragoons.

Hello, Mrs Harper.

Oh, my God, she knows where I live!

I want you to have these large, blue stones. We haven't got you anything.

They're Tibetan cleansing stones. What do I do with these?

Hit her with them!

Your husband is like a toxic river.

I get a lot of that. Placing these rocks outside the door may block the negative flow.

Is two stones enough? We may need a wall.

I've more in the van. Shall I...? We couldn't. I bought in bulk.

Now I see why you've started coming home early. I like her. Dispel that thought!

Why? Because even if it's only for a little while, she works for me.

She works for me too.

- Someone has stolen my van. - How awful! Are you sure?

You don't misplace a psychedelic lime-green van with a portrait of Bob the Builder on it. But you must try.

Stolen from in front of the house? Not exactly. It was down the street.

But it's the same thing.

You used to be able to go out without fear of what'd happen to your home.

Then we had children. Hoi! I've worked out the perfect job.

Scarecrow. Surfer. Embarrassment.

Stripper! I win.

You know, like the Full Monty. With you it'd be the HALF Monty.

I've been practising my moves.

Pretty sexy, eh?

PLEASE let me tell him.

My stage name'll be Nick Naked. Oh, please! Change the subject!

OK, the crime rate. I think Nick Naked's a wonderful name.

Help me pick out a costume? Back to you, Susan. It'll be fun.

Bit of shopping, picking out clothes, male bonding. Think of a proper job.

You don't think I'm ashamed, not making any money? No.

I might be, one day.

I've made a list of proper jobs, thinking ahead.

"Contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?". That's it? I'd never have to work again.

That's thinking ahead? I'm not a fanatic.

Go on, ask me some questions. OK.

The most common crime committed in London - assault, armed robbery, breaking and entering or car theft?

Let it drop! Can I phone a friend?

The answer's breaking and entering.

That's fascinating. Do tell us more.

Over 60,000 houses were broken into last year.

Mmm, locksmith... How much did Mummy pay you to say that? Five quid. Informant...

Susan, we've never had any problems.

It's our turn. It's the law of averages. We need an alarm. We don't need one. I'll call tomorrow.

Who wears the trousers here? You. But I choose which ones you wear.

God, another day, face down in the spit bowl of dentistry.

Good morning, Mr H. If it was, I'd be in an alcoholic stupor in a villa in Rome.

This'll cheer you up. I found my van. It was parked where I'd left it.

Would you believe I could be so stupid?

The funny thing is, it was there all along. It wasn't even stolen.

So we don't even need this alarm. Of course we do.

Are we still laughing at the same joke? If the joke is that we're still getting the alarm, yes.

It wasn't stolen, so we don't need the alarm. It could've been. Wasn't. Could've been.

Can't we just agree to disagree? Agreed. I disagree.

Why do I think I'm not gonna win this? Cos you're a very wise man.

ReallyMm-hmm.

Well, can't we just sleep on it before you run off to buy anything? We don't have to sleep.

We don't have to sleep. No.

What else...? Oh, yes. Of course.

DOOR SLAMS SHUT What was that? I thought you'd know by now. No!

The noise!

A house is broken into every 10 minutes. What if it's our 10 minutes? I thought it WAS. ..I'm going.

Sorry, what is the proper attire for confronting criminals? ..A tie?

If I'm killed, remember to return the videos - they're a day late. I'll miss your sense of humour most.

Janey? ..Michael?

Nick? Brian. Brian? ..Brian? We haven't got a Brian.

Who are you? ..I'm your new flatmate.

You're out of milk.

You said, "Get a job." I did.

I'm a landlord.

You lack one fundamental necessity for the job. You've no land to lord.

Nick, you can't sub-let your room.

Don't worry, he's gone. And his wife?

His wife's gone too.

- You can't rent out any part of this house. - OK. ..The tool shed? No.

Back in a minute.

We're getting an alarm. Wouldn't it be cheaper to get rid of Nick?

Oh, dear, oh, dear me.

HE TUTS

HE LAUGHS

Nice-looking family. Thank you. I'm surprised you've all survived this long.

THAT bad? I've seen tents with better security. Let's buy a tent. Want to sleep in one

I don't wanna scare you, but this place is a death trap. Seriously?

I am always serious.

We have lived here for eight years. The only thing that's ever died here are my hopes.

How many entry points d'you think this house has? Front door, back...

I make it 24, excluding the chimney.

Twenty-six, if they tunnel in.

What d'you see there? A window.

I call it "the welcome mat of death."

OK, we'll take it. No, we WON'T!

Yes. Ignore him.

Excuse me while I find my testicles.

I recommend the de luxe protection plan. 'Too late for that!'

Remote sensors on all the doors and windows, infrared motion detectors, both low level, high level...

Glass break detectors, external alarm.

The police are called automatically in case you're...incapacitated.

Here is my estimate for the de luxe. Oh, yeah.

That's very... Work on commission?

You could always roll the dice and go with the basic plan.

Only contacts on the doors and the external alarm.

You never know how these low-life yobbos will break into your house. That one's got a key.

The de luxe. Look at the price! It'll be the most valuable thing here!

You can't put a price on safety. You can. Option 2's £1,000 cheaper.

Think of the children.

We'll take the cheap one.

When you open the door, you break the contact.

You have 15 seconds to enter the code.

Instructions should be in here, which I want you all to read. Got that?

I'm not doing this for my own amusement. Or ours.

No, this is important.

If you don't learn to do this, you'll always be like, "..I'm so confused!" which is boring as hell.

Get off me. MICHAEL, PAY ATTENTION!

"For results that can be the finest,

"never hold the buttons five ways, except emergencies.

"For larger currents, pressure number 2." OK?

Nick!

It'll be easy to figure it out.

Like in Entrapment. Sean Connery used hairspray to spot the infrared beams. Doesn't need it for his hair.

It's all laid out in zones. The stairway's covered by that infrared motion detector, right down to here.

It's easy to get round that.

No! I inherited that from my grandmother! It even looks like her.

Other ways to get upstairs. Just creep down the hallway... Watch!

I could jump over that. No, there's another one there.

OK.

Watch this.

Cool!

Hello, Dad!

I've finally found a career.

What, bereavement counsellor? World-famous jewel thief.

If you're world-famous everyone will know who you are. I'll get more work that way.

Besides, I'll never get caught.

Cos I'm quick. I'm stealthy.

You walked through eye beams, here, here and here. Police are coming.

..Well...try it again.

Nick, I've got a better way, OK. Crouch down.

Cover you to diffuse the beam. Go!

Go left. Straight. Faster! Faster!

Oh, I'm beginning to like this alarm.

Not funny!

Depends which side of the door you're on! We've to select a numbered code. Suggestions?

1374. Robbie Williams' birthday.

I'm not remembering HIS birthday cos you've got a crush on him. Crush? It's real.

Each pick one number. I'll say 3. 5. 9.

6!

OK, 3596 committed to memory. Does everyone else get a number except me? Don't I count?

SYSTEM BEEPS I assumed you didn't care. I don't. 7.

I'd like to see somebody try and rob us now. We've BEEN robbed.

We'll sleep more soundly tonight. With him outside, we probably will.

ALARM GOES OFF Oh... Oh, God...!

Oh, my God! That's the third time tonight!

The man said there'd be a few kinks to be worked out. He's probably charged us extra for those too.

Good. I see you're finding your inner peace at last.

I find my inner peace at the pub.

Right now, I'm trying to take a little nap. I find the gas helps.

PHONE RINGS Hello. Dental surgery and spiritual guidance. Brigitte!

D'you remember the alarm code? I can't get into the house. 7,7... Ring Robbie Williams.

Ask your mother.

She's with the New Yorkers on her Jack the Ripper tour. Wait for Michael. HE won't let me in!

Why? I...may have called him a name.

"Called him a name". Tell him I said to let you in.

I have. He didn't believe me. Hold on.

PHONE RINGS INSIDE

Michael, let your sister in.

Let your sister IN. ..I know it...wasn't very nice.

Michael...have...some pity.

NOT on her, on ME.

Thank you. It's your son Nick on line two. He'll let you in, Janey.

Yes, NICK?

Even if I HAD a thong, I wouldn't let YOU borrow it.

No, your mother hasn't got one either.

It's Michael. Janey locked HIM out. PHONE RINGS I've fled the UK, changed my name.

He's fled the country, assumed a different name. Yes, Sergeant.

Harper. H-a-r-p-e-r. No...!

Alarms aren't toys. We barely have the manpower to handle real crimes.

We won't be troubling you again. Your neighbours are complaining.

We don't complain about THEIR garden gnomes. THEY don't make a noise. They SCREAM bad taste! Not a crime.

It should be! Be that as it may, I could arrest you for disturbing the peace.

We're normally very quiet.

MUSIC BLARES NICK!! SHUT THE...volume...

Would you go up and tell him?

GO up.

NICK! SHUT THE BLOODY MUSIC OFF!

It seemed such a good idea at the time. NICK!!

"KNOCK ON WOOD" BLARES Hoi!

MUSIC OFF Hey, we're rehearsing. You in the act, too? Yeah.

Why limit the audience to just the ladies? Appeal to the masses.

You are pathetic. I can strip but they can't? Really sexist.

You didn't say anything about us stripping. I wanted to surprise you.

No way! Wait. Look... Look...

Don't you wanna see the costumes?

BEEP

What did you do that for?

HE PRESSES BUTTONS

'Doors activated.' No, no, no.

ALARM GOES OFF

ALARM STOPS

Um...what are you wearing?

It's a costume for the act. What d'you think? ..I'm trying NOT to.

DOORBELL Someone get that! Tell them I've died. I'll get it.

Nick, if it's...

Ah-h... Bonsoir, monsieur.

What?

I'm sorry, I thought you didn't understand English in this house. Oh, you've come about the alarm.

Ah! A veritable detective as well!

We could do with more like you in CID. Hi! Buying tickets for the Police Benevolent Fund. Buying ten.

Are you drunk?

It's OK, mate. He's my dad. Didn't know your son was in the job. Didn't recognise the uniform. Special unit?

Crack Squad. I was gonna caution you, but...we'll forget about it.

What ARE you wearing?

Harper. Ben Harper.

Did you hear that?

Wake up!

Are you asleep or just pretending?

Pretending.

This is serious. I heard a noise but the alarm didn't go off. There's probably a good reason.

The thief knew how to bypass the system. It's because I turned it off.

You turned off the alarm and jeopardised your family? Yes.

Go and turn it back on. No.

If it goes off again I'll be arrested. Ben!

I can't sleep, knowing the alarm's off.

Neither can you. I'll manage.

NEITHER can you.

'Stairway activated.'

No, just the doors. Just the doors.

'Windows activated.'

I said the... Oh, I really hate you!

'All zones now activated.'

Susan!

Susan!

Think! Think!

How did Nick do it? ..Oh, God, I never thought I'd say those words.

Oh, yes...

Thank you, Granny.

Theme from "- Impossible"

Oh...!

ALARM SOUNDS

We've experienced a little trouble with the alarm system. ..Hold on.

Good morning! It goes off frequently. ..Juice? What?

No, I assure you, the man who installed this system assured me it was fool-proof.

Pardon?

I can't live like this. What?

I look awful. What? I can't hear you. Got constant ringing in my ears.

I don't care! I don't care!!

I'm losing beauty sleep because of this alarm. It's affecting my pores.

Dad. Dad, look at my pores.

Do they look tired to you? M-m-m... Mum. What do you think?

I'm on the phone to the alarm people.

GIVE me the phone! You'll say something you'll regret. Like, "I'd like an alarm"?

I'm dealing with it.

Tell that MI5 lackey that alarm of his has made my life more miserable than I could imagine. Some feat!

They say it's there for our protection, but... P-Protection from WHAT?!

I almost broke my neck on the stair, I've a son who's deaf, one in a coma, a daughter ugly as sin. Dad...

And what is left of my reputation was ripped from me as I was dragged off for questioning

under the mocking gaze of our neighbours and their monkey children.

Their children weren't mocking - it's just the way they look. ..What?

I want that out of here.

They say if we're not happy with the system, the installer will come round and make minor adjustments.

I'll give 'em minor adjustments!

Or if we want, they'll give us a full refund...

if we take it back in good condition.

Darling, have you got the manual?

Has anyone seen the toothpaste?

Hi! Hi!

Mmm...! Mmmm...!

Bye. Bye.