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1
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:06,440
Anybody home?!
What?
2
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:10,920
I said, "Anybody home"? Can't hear -
I'm upstairs. Never mind.
3
00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:16,080
I'm putting away the washing. Never
mind. Forget it. WHAT did you get?
4
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:23,720
Must you shout? It'd be a civilised
conversation, if your father didn't
mumble. I don't. I have adenoids.
5
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:27,800
If I'm so annoying,
fold your own bloody clothes!!
6
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:31,720
I HATE this house!
DOOR SLAMS
7
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,560
Hello, Dad. Good luck, Michael.
8
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:39,680
Anybody home? What the hell's going
on? Shut up! I'm not your slave!
9
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,320
Is Mike back yet?
10
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:49,520
Sad thing is, these are
the best years of your life.
11
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:06,920
Good morning, Mr H.
What's happened to my surgery?
Your chi was in a very bad place.
12
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:11,040
It's fine...whatever it is.
The energy of your life force.
13
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:18,000
Feng shui says we can change our
environment to attain happiness.
Excuse us, Mr Shui. Mr Ashcroft.
14
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:25,400
Feng shui is the Chinese practice
of creating a positive energy flow.
I prefer my energy static.
15
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:30,320
Where's my stool? That had to go.
It was oozing negativity.
16
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:36,200
Brigitte,
in case you hadn't noticed,
THIS isn't China. It's England.
17
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:43,520
In England, we like routine,
we don't like change, so change it
all back and leave my chi alone.
18
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:50,480
Know what my two favourite words are
in the English language? Status quo.
Nothing happens, nothing goes wrong.
19
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:56,680
..Why is this chair facing
the other way round?
Feet facing the door means death.
20
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,920
I LIKE my chair facing the door,
21
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:05,840
and if it means
losing a few patients, so be it.
22
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:10,280
Good. I need you to open this.
No kiss. No, "How was your day?"
23
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:16,800
How was your day? Open. Smells good.
I haven't started cooking yet.
That explains it.
24
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:22,560
Is it arsenic or cyanide that smells
like almonds? Anything would help.
25
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,560
This girl Brigitte
is totally bizarre.
26
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:32,200
She has decided to feng shui
my entire surgery. She's trying
to help. She's not helping.
27
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:36,560
She actually moved my chair.
'Ah, the she-devil!'
28
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:43,920
How was YOUR day? Fine. Till one man
had his pocket picked in the Houses
of Parliament. High crime area
29
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:51,080
I spent the whole afternoon
in Cannon Road police station.
Crime is out of control.
30
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:58,080
Don't start that again. Mrs Hapshaw
was mugged the other day. She was
in Florida. And number eight.
31
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:03,160
They've put bars on their windows.
Cos their kids look like apes!
32
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:09,240
Whatever you're cooking,
it smells great.
Haven't started yet.
33
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:13,920
It must be Dad's aftershave.
You smell beautiful, Dad.
34
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,560
Very manly.
35
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,480
Lucky woman.
36
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:27,000
I think he might want something.
Yes, but how can you tell?
37
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:32,280
The answer is no. What? 'Wot?'
38
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:37,680
You were gonna ask me for money,
weren't you? How do you...? 'How'?
39
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:45,280
I was just sitting here. Ah, good.
Good. Besides, I don't want you to
give me money. Good. Wanna borrow it.
40
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:51,400
You really don't have to laugh.
No, you're quite right. Sorry.
41
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,000
As I was saying, I'll pay you back.
42
00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:01,640
Have you finished? Not quite.
I'm just... No, I've finished. OK.
43
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:04,240
Next. I wanna borrow money. No.
44
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:09,800
D'you wanna know why? Because you
haven't got a job? Wanna buy a car.
45
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,320
No.
46
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:16,520
Any time I ask to borrow money,
you say no. You see the pattern.
47
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:24,760
You want money, you get a job. Need
to buy a car to find a job. You can
see the problem. I'm looking at it.
48
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:27,320
Is that a yeah? It's a, um...
49
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,240
Wicked, Dad. Cheers, mate.
50
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:34,760
Now, I'll pay you back when
I'm about 30, or something. ..70p?!
51
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:40,240
What's this for? Bus fare.
52
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:46,480
DOORBELL RINGS
Someone get that.
Get it or I stop the cheque. No
53
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:50,680
As a boy, 70p meant... You could buy
yourself out of the Dragoons.
54
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,920
Hello, Mrs Harper.
55
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,520
Oh, my God, she knows where I live!
56
00:04:56,560 --> 00:05:03,280
I want you to have
these large, blue stones.
We haven't got you anything.
57
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:08,160
They're Tibetan cleansing stones.
What do I do with these?
58
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,560
Hit her with them!
59
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:14,200
Your husband is like a toxic river.
60
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:20,680
I get a lot of that.
Placing these rocks outside
the door may block the negative flow.
61
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,240
Is two stones enough?
We may need a wall.
62
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:29,280
I've more in the van. Shall I...?
We couldn't.
I bought in bulk.
63
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:40,240
Now I see why you've started
coming home early.
I like her. Dispel that thought!
64
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:45,800
Why? Because even if it's only for
a little while, she works for me.
65
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:49,360
She works for me too.
66
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:54,280
- Someone has stolen my van.
- How awful! Are you sure?
67
00:05:54,280 --> 00:06:02,160
You don't misplace a psychedelic
lime-green van with a portrait of Bob
the Builder on it. But you must try.
68
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:10,240
Stolen from in front of the house?
Not exactly. It was down the street.
69
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,840
But it's the same thing.
70
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:18,200
You used to be able to go out without
fear of what'd happen to your home.
71
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:23,080
Then we had children. Hoi!
I've worked out the perfect job.
72
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:26,000
Scarecrow. Surfer. Embarrassment.
73
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,680
Stripper! I win.
74
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:33,600
You know, like the Full Monty.
With you it'd be the HALF Monty.
75
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,120
I've been practising my moves.
76
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,680
Pretty sexy, eh?
77
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,640
PLEASE let me tell him.
78
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:46,520
My stage name'll be Nick Naked.
Oh, please! Change the subject!
79
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:51,080
OK, the crime rate. I think
Nick Naked's a wonderful name.
80
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:55,920
Help me pick out a costume?
Back to you, Susan. It'll be fun.
81
00:06:55,920 --> 00:07:01,280
Bit of shopping, picking out clothes,
male bonding. Think of a proper job.
82
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:05,480
You don't think I'm ashamed,
not making any money? No.
83
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,880
I might be, one day.
84
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:12,680
I've made a list of proper jobs,
thinking ahead.
85
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:19,160
"Contestant on Who Wants To Be
A Millionaire?". That's it?
I'd never have to work again.
86
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,640
That's thinking ahead?
I'm not a fanatic.
87
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,040
Go on, ask me some questions.
OK.
88
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:33,960
The most common crime committed
in London - assault, armed robbery,
breaking and entering or car theft?
89
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,800
Let it drop! Can I phone a friend?
90
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,600
The answer's breaking and entering.
91
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,840
That's fascinating. Do tell us more.
92
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:46,640
Over 60,000 houses
were broken into last year.
93
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:54,760
Mmm, locksmith... How much did Mummy
pay you to say that? Five quid.
Informant...
94
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,760
Susan, we've never had any problems.
95
00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:05,360
It's our turn. It's the law
of averages. We need an alarm. We
don't need one. I'll call tomorrow.
96
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:10,240
Who wears the trousers here? You.
But I choose which ones you wear.
97
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:18,560
God, another day, face down
in the spit bowl of dentistry.
98
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:25,440
Good morning, Mr H. If it was,
I'd be in an alcoholic stupor
in a villa in Rome.
99
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:30,720
This'll cheer you up. I found my
van. It was parked where I'd left it.
100
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:34,800
Would you believe
I could be so stupid?
101
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:47,160
The funny thing is, it was there
all along. It wasn't even stolen.
102
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:52,240
So we don't even need this alarm.
Of course we do.
103
00:08:55,920 --> 00:09:02,000
Are we still laughing at the same
joke? If the joke is that we're
still getting the alarm, yes.
104
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:08,680
It wasn't stolen, so we don't
need the alarm. It could've been.
Wasn't. Could've been.
105
00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:12,960
Can't we just agree to disagree?
Agreed. I disagree.
106
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:21,200
Why do I think I'm not gonna win
this? Cos you're a very wise man.
107
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,360
ReallyMm-hmm.
108
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:31,000
Well, can't we just sleep on it
before you run off to buy anything?
We don't have to sleep.
109
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,640
We don't have to sleep. No.
110
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,280
What else...? Oh, yes. Of course.
111
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:44,640
DOOR SLAMS SHUT
What was that?
I thought you'd know by now. No!
112
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,160
The noise!
113
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:59,000
A house is broken into every 10
minutes. What if it's our 10 minutes?
I thought it WAS. ..I'm going.
114
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:09,320
Sorry, what is the proper attire
for confronting criminals? ..A tie?
115
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:16,880
If I'm killed, remember to return
the videos - they're a day late.
I'll miss your sense of humour most.
116
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:21,640
Janey? ..Michael?
117
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:25,720
Nick? Brian. Brian?
..Brian? We haven't got a Brian.
118
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,800
Who are you?
..I'm your new flatmate.
119
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,800
You're out of milk.
120
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,600
You said, "Get a job." I did.
121
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,120
I'm a landlord.
122
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:54,440
You lack one fundamental necessity
for the job. You've no land to lord.
123
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,520
Nick, you can't sub-let your room.
124
00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:00,600
Don't worry, he's gone.
And his wife?
125
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,840
His wife's gone too.
126
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:09,800
- You can't rent out
any part of this house.
- OK. ..The tool shed? No.
127
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,560
Back in a minute.
128
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:18,280
We're getting an alarm. Wouldn't
it be cheaper to get rid of Nick?
129
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,920
Oh, dear, oh, dear me.
130
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,760
HE TUTS
131
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:35,400
HE LAUGHS
132
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:42,040
Nice-looking family.
Thank you. I'm surprised
you've all survived this long.
133
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:49,280
THAT bad? I've seen tents with
better security. Let's buy a tent.
Want to sleep in one
134
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:54,280
I don't wanna scare you, but this
place is a death trap. Seriously?
135
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,600
I am always serious.
136
00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:02,920
We have lived here for eight years.
The only thing that's ever died here
are my hopes.
137
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:08,160
How many entry points d'you think
this house has? Front door, back...
138
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,800
I make it 24, excluding the chimney.
139
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,720
Twenty-six, if they tunnel in.
140
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,720
What d'you see there? A window.
141
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,960
I call it
"the welcome mat of death."
142
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,880
OK, we'll take it. No, we WON'T!
143
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,040
Yes. Ignore him.
144
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:28,440
Excuse me while I find my testicles.
145
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:33,760
I recommend the de luxe protection
plan. 'Too late for that!'
146
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:41,280
Remote sensors on all the doors and
windows, infrared motion detectors,
both low level, high level...
147
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:45,680
Glass break detectors,
external alarm.
148
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:50,680
The police are called automatically
in case you're...incapacitated.
149
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:54,480
Here is my estimate for the de luxe.
Oh, yeah.
150
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,160
That's very... Work on commission?
151
00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:01,840
You could always roll the dice
and go with the basic plan.
152
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:06,360
Only contacts on the doors
and the external alarm.
153
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:13,040
You never know how these low-life
yobbos will break into your house.
That one's got a key.
154
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:18,440
The de luxe. Look at the price!
It'll be
the most valuable thing here!
155
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:23,280
You can't put a price on safety.
You can. Option 2's £1,000 cheaper.
156
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,320
Think of the children.
157
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,720
We'll take the cheap one.
158
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:34,280
When you open the door,
you break the contact.
159
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,360
You have 15 seconds
to enter the code.
160
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:43,280
Instructions should be in here,
which I want you all to read.
Got that?
161
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:47,360
I'm not doing this
for my own amusement. Or ours.
162
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,920
No, this is important.
163
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:57,680
If you don't learn to do this, you'll
always be like, "..I'm so confused!"
which is boring as hell.
164
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:00,960
Get off me.
MICHAEL, PAY ATTENTION!
165
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,960
"For results that can be the finest,
166
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:08,560
"never hold the buttons five ways,
except emergencies.
167
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:12,000
"For larger currents,
pressure number 2." OK?
168
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,040
Nick!
169
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,760
It'll be easy to figure it out.
170
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:24,920
Like in Entrapment. Sean Connery
used hairspray to spot the infrared
beams. Doesn't need it for his hair.
171
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:32,280
It's all laid out in zones. The
stairway's covered by that infrared
motion detector, right down to here.
172
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,320
It's easy to get round that.
173
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:40,920
No! I inherited that from my
grandmother! It even looks like her.
174
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:46,000
Other ways to get upstairs. Just
creep down the hallway... Watch!
175
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:50,400
I could jump over that.
No, there's another one there.
176
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,520
OK.
177
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,880
Watch this.
178
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,280
Cool!
179
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,160
Hello, Dad!
180
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,320
I've finally found a career.
181
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:16,800
What, bereavement counsellor?
World-famous jewel thief.
182
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:23,720
If you're world-famous
everyone will know who you are.
I'll get more work that way.
183
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,480
Besides, I'll never get caught.
184
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,640
Cos I'm quick. I'm stealthy.
185
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:35,440
You walked through eye beams, here,
here and here. Police are coming.
186
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,200
..Well...try it again.
187
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:42,800
Nick, I've got a better way, OK.
Crouch down.
188
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,400
Cover you to diffuse the beam. Go!
189
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,120
Go left. Straight. Faster! Faster!
190
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:58,320
Oh, I'm beginning
to like this alarm.
191
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,640
Not funny!
192
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:07,480
Depends which side of the door
you're on! We've to select
a numbered code. Suggestions?
193
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:11,720
1374. Robbie Williams' birthday.
194
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:18,520
I'm not remembering HIS birthday
cos you've got a crush
on him. Crush? It's real.
195
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,160
Each pick one number. I'll say 3.
5. 9.
196
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,000
6!
197
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:31,120
OK, 3596 committed to memory.
Does everyone else get a number
except me? Don't I count?
198
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:36,600
SYSTEM BEEPS
I assumed you didn't care.
I don't. 7.
199
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:41,440
I'd like to see somebody try
and rob us now. We've BEEN robbed.
200
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:47,000
We'll sleep more soundly tonight.
With him outside, we probably will.
201
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,760
ALARM GOES OFF
Oh... Oh, God...!
202
00:16:55,800 --> 00:17:00,640
Oh, my God!
That's the third time tonight!
203
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:08,080
The man said there'd be a few kinks
to be worked out. He's probably
charged us extra for those too.
204
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:13,120
Good. I see you're finding
your inner peace at last.
205
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,760
I find my inner peace
at the pub.
206
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:22,080
Right now, I'm trying to take
a little nap. I find the gas helps.
207
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:28,600
PHONE RINGS
Hello. Dental surgery
and spiritual guidance. Brigitte!
208
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:35,160
D'you remember the alarm code?
I can't get into the house.
7,7... Ring Robbie Williams.
209
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,400
Ask your mother.
210
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:45,280
She's with the New Yorkers
on her Jack the Ripper tour. Wait
for Michael. HE won't let me in!
211
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:49,400
Why? I...may have called him a name.
212
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,480
"Called him a name".
Tell him I said to let you in.
213
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,840
I have. He didn't believe me.
Hold on.
214
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,960
PHONE RINGS INSIDE
215
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,200
Michael, let your sister in.
216
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:09,560
Let your sister IN.
..I know it...wasn't very nice.
217
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:13,800
Michael...have...some pity.
218
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,760
NOT on her, on ME.
219
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:22,840
Thank you. It's your son Nick
on line two. He'll let you in, Janey.
220
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,320
Yes, NICK?
221
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:31,880
Even if I HAD a thong,
I wouldn't let YOU borrow it.
222
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:35,240
No, your mother
hasn't got one either.
223
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:42,640
It's Michael. Janey locked HIM out.
PHONE RINGS
I've fled the UK, changed my name.
224
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:48,680
He's fled the country, assumed
a different name. Yes, Sergeant.
225
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:52,480
Harper. H-a-r-p-e-r. No...!
226
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:57,640
Alarms aren't toys. We barely have
the manpower to handle real crimes.
227
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:02,640
We won't be troubling you again.
Your neighbours are complaining.
228
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:10,400
We don't complain about THEIR garden
gnomes. THEY don't make a noise.
They SCREAM bad taste! Not a crime.
229
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:15,960
It should be! Be that as it may,
I could arrest you
for disturbing the peace.
230
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:22,760
We're normally very quiet.
231
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:22,760
MUSIC BLARES
NICK!! SHUT THE...volume...
232
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:27,680
Would you go up and tell him?
233
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,680
GO up.
234
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,600
NICK! SHUT THE BLOODY MUSIC OFF!
235
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:36,800
It seemed such a good idea
at the time. NICK!!
236
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,880
"KNOCK ON WOOD" BLARES
Hoi!
237
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:45,680
MUSIC OFF
Hey, we're rehearsing.
You in the act, too? Yeah.
238
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:50,640
Why limit the audience to just
the ladies? Appeal to the masses.
239
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:55,640
You are pathetic. I can strip
but they can't? Really sexist.
240
00:19:55,640 --> 00:20:00,800
You didn't say anything
about us stripping.
I wanted to surprise you.
241
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,560
No way!
Wait. Look... Look...
242
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,080
Don't you wanna see the costumes?
243
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,080
BEEP
244
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,600
What did you do that for?
245
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,840
HE PRESSES BUTTONS
246
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,240
'Doors activated.' No, no, no.
247
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:26,120
ALARM GOES OFF
248
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,240
ALARM STOPS
249
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,240
Um...what are you wearing?
250
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:47,440
It's a costume for the act. What
d'you think? ..I'm trying NOT to.
251
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:53,320
DOORBELL
Someone get that!
Tell them I've died. I'll get it.
252
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,720
Nick, if it's...
253
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:03,520
Ah-h... Bonsoir, monsieur.
254
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,280
What?
255
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:15,800
I'm sorry, I thought you didn't
understand English in this house.
Oh, you've come about the alarm.
256
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,520
Ah! A veritable detective as well!
257
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:25,920
We could do with more like you
in CID. Hi! Buying tickets for the
Police Benevolent Fund. Buying ten.
258
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:28,560
Are you drunk?
259
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:36,000
It's OK, mate. He's my dad. Didn't
know your son was in the job. Didn't
recognise the uniform. Special unit?
260
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:42,240
Crack Squad. I was gonna caution
you, but...we'll forget about it.
261
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,800
What ARE you wearing?
262
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,720
Harper. Ben Harper.
263
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,080
Did you hear that?
264
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,480
Wake up!
265
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,440
Are you asleep or just pretending?
266
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,720
Pretending.
267
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:16,920
This is serious. I heard a noise
but the alarm didn't go off.
There's probably a good reason.
268
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:22,800
The thief knew
how to bypass the system.
It's because I turned it off.
269
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:27,720
You turned off the alarm
and jeopardised your family? Yes.
270
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,440
Go and turn it back on. No.
271
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:34,160
If it goes off again
I'll be arrested. Ben!
272
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:38,240
I can't sleep,
knowing the alarm's off.
273
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:41,000
Neither can you. I'll manage.
274
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,600
NEITHER can you.
275
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,480
'Stairway activated.'
276
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,920
No, just the doors.
Just the doors.
277
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,200
'Windows activated.'
278
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,760
I said the... Oh, I really hate you!
279
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,000
'All zones now activated.'
280
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,960
Susan!
281
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,840
Susan!
282
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,600
Think! Think!
283
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:44,120
How did Nick do it?
..Oh, God, I never thought
I'd say those words.
284
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,520
Oh, yes...
285
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:55,000
Thank you, Granny.
286
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:10,320
Theme from "- Impossible"
287
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,160
Oh...!
288
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:51,720
ALARM SOUNDS
289
00:25:54,560 --> 00:26:00,040
We've experienced a little trouble
with the alarm system. ..Hold on.
290
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:04,560
Good morning! It goes off
frequently. ..Juice?
What?
291
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:11,600
No, I assure you,
the man who installed this system
assured me it was fool-proof.
292
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,720
Pardon?
293
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,360
I can't live like this. What?
294
00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:20,640
I look awful. What? I can't hear
you. Got constant ringing in my ears.
295
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,360
I don't care! I don't care!!
296
00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:28,200
I'm losing beauty sleep because of
this alarm. It's affecting my pores.
297
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,320
Dad. Dad, look at my pores.
298
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:39,400
Do they look tired to you? M-m-m...
Mum. What do you think?
299
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:42,160
I'm on the phone to the alarm people.
300
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:48,160
GIVE me the phone!
You'll say something you'll
regret. Like, "I'd like an alarm"?
301
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,640
I'm dealing with it.
302
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:59,120
Tell that MI5 lackey that alarm of
his has made my life more miserable
than I could imagine. Some feat!
303
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:05,320
They say it's there
for our protection, but...
P-Protection from WHAT?!
304
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:12,800
I almost broke my neck on the stair,
I've a son who's deaf, one in a
coma, a daughter ugly as sin. Dad...
305
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:22,560
And what is left of my reputation
was ripped from me
as I was dragged off for questioning
306
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:28,160
under the mocking gaze
of our neighbours
and their monkey children.
307
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:32,840
Their children weren't mocking -
it's just the way they look. ..What?
308
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,080
I want that out of here.
309
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:42,520
They say if we're not happy with
the system, the installer will come
round and make minor adjustments.
310
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,120
I'll give 'em minor adjustments!
311
00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:49,760
Or if we want,
they'll give us a full refund...
312
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:53,840
if we take it back
in good condition.
313
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,880
Darling, have you got the manual?
314
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:10,120
Has anyone seen the toothpaste?
315
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,240
Hi! Hi!
316
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:27,000
Mmm...! Mmmm...!
317
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,760
Bye. Bye.
28414
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