Original subtitles

Dad, I'm curious. Do you plan to forget again?

Ah, a riddle!

I love a riddle. Let's see... The answer is...I don't know what you're talking about, so go away.

..Mum's birthday. Oh, my God! Not again!

Hi, darling!

Oh! Mmm! What is that delicious...

smell? Tuna Wellington.

I ran out of beef.

It's lovely. It's very nice. Do you want any help, then?

OK. What's going on?

Nothing! I just came to give the birthday girl a kiss. You thought I'd forgotten, didn't you? Ben...

My birthday is not for three days. I knew that. I was just warming up.

Well, I'm not. I feel like I'm over the hill.

Susan, eh, eh, eh, you are not...

I can see it, Ben, in the distance, beckoning, "Susan,

"come over the hill! It's fun!" But it's not fun, Ben!

It's a bunch of old people dressed in white. And they're playing harps?

Worse. They're playing bowls!

Janey, your mother's birthday isn't for another three days.

Yes, but I thought you'd need a running start. You're only 40 once.

In Mum's case, two or three times.

The first few times were practice.

Maybe this time she'll commit.

So you should give her something thoughtful. Yes!

A cheque! Dad!

I know - a foot spa. ..A foot spa?

It relaxes and soothes away the tensions of the day, leaving your toes supple.

Dad, you need a unique personal touch, something that says "Amore!"

Something that says, "Amore!" more than a foot spa?! A satellite dish!

OK, so why would your mother want a satellite dish?

It's got a load of cooking channels.

And it's got the Playboy Channel. I hardly think Mum would want that!

She wants what all mothers want - she wants to make her children happy.

A satellite dish'd make me ecstatic!

Dad! Mum's already told me exactly what she wants - a romantic weekend, just the two of you.

No, no! Your mother knows I hate travelling. It's about what SHE wants. So she wants me to suffer?

No. She just wants to know you care enough to suffer. I live here. Isn't that enough?

So... 40.

Again. Just because I admit it doesn't mean you can rub it in.

I thought we might do something special to celebrate. I don't want a fuss. I'll just do something quiet.

Sit here in the dark... with my memories.

OK, then.

Um, I thought we might go away for the weekend, just the two of us.

That sounds wonderful. I'll start making arrangements tomorrow. Great!

I thought I might make the plans. Oh, you don't have to. I do.

..Apparently! So where would you like to go?

Surprise me. Hey! Hey! How about a golfing weekend at St Andrews?

Surprise me with something else.

Gleneagles? How about that little B&B we stayed in just before we were married? What?

What do you want go back there for? It was good enough for us 22 years ago. But we had no money then.

I thought you wanted me to make the decision. I do. The RIGHT one.

I'll try to keep my mobile with me,

but the number for the B&B is on the fridge on a pink note-card. Right. Uh-huh. Gotcha.

Dr Peterson's number is on a blue note-card. Mm-hmm. OK. Check.

If you run out of food, draw straws and just eat whoever draws the short one.

OK, bye. Have fun. Miss you.

SHRILL WHISTLE

What are you doing back?

Nick, can you PRETEND to listen?

Sorry, Mum. ..Go for it.

Our number - PINK note-card. Dr Peterson's - BLUE note-card.

Got it. What did I say?

I dunno. ..You said PRETEND to listen.

It's only a weekend. We'll be fine.

Nick, could you help your father?

Let me give you a hand.

You said, "Turn left." It looked like the right road on the map. It might have been were it not a river!

You could have stopped and asked for directions. I asked YOU, and look what happened!

PING! Hello! Pleasant journey?

It might have been had we not taken the wrong turning and ended up in... What was that place?

Ah, yes - Hell.

It was lovely. We took the scenic route. And what scenery we saw... in the dark! We're the Harpers.

Just sign here. You're in number 10.

Oh, I don't suppose it's possible to get number 7? We were here years ago, and that was the room we stayed in.

You're in luck. We've got another late arrival. I'll switch the rooms.

Thank you. < I love you!

I love you more! No, I love YOU more!

Gut-wrenching! I think romantic. They have their whole lives ahead.

Let's hope it isn't the scenic route! Some people enjoy the journey.

It's hard with you shouting, "You're going to hit that cow!" all the time.

There you go - number 7. Any chance of a sandwich? We're really hungry.

I'm afraid the cook's gone home. He locks the kitchen.

Mint Imperial?

PerfectWhen we die of hunger, we'll have fresh, minty breath!

Where do you think you're going, young lady?

Out. Not like that! March upstairs and put on something respectable!

..Sod off!

They grow up so fast!

Janey, I think it's time we had a talk.

You know, about boys and girls. You're not serious! We can do this the hard way or the easy way.

OohWhat's the hard way? I could come with you. You've got one minute.

..OK.

Janey... guys are only ever after one thing.

Fortunately, girls are after the same thing!

Time's up. Liam's waiting at the cinema.

You can't leave - this is important.

I've got to go down the pub. Who's going to look after him? ..I've had this planned for ages!

That's why I wanted Mum and Dad gone. It wasn't for Mum's happiness, but your sordid love triste!

So what does this "Liam" do? Nick, he's 16!

What about his parents? They're dead. How convenient!

What are you talking about?

I dunno. I'm trying to act parental.

I can't believe they left you in charge! I'm much more responsible! Are not! Am! Not! Am! Great!

You stay with Michael! Nick!

I always knew he couldn't be as stupid as he looked.

..Michael. ..You can look after yourself for a bit tonight, right?

Me? Your sweet, naive, 12-year-old little brother?

How much is it going to cost me? Ten quid.

..An hour.

God! I don't remember the room being this small! I think it's charming.

Perhaps it's shrunk in the damp.

No, it's just as I remembered.

Same lamps, same wallpaper...

same...chest of...drawers.

Any vague memories of where we might have slept?

As I remember, we didn't!

Come here!

What are you thinking?

..I'm thinking we should have had the Mint Imperials.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I can't stop thinking about food!

Well, imagine I'm covered in creme fraiche.

No, I need something more substantial.

Fine! Imagine I'm a deep-fried haddock!

We had haddock LAST night.

We didn't let things like this bother us 22 years ago! Oh, come on!

We were a mass of raging hormones. We'd have slept on a bed of broken glass to have had sex! Yes.

Where has the romance gone?

FRANTIC CREAKING AND GROANS

Obviously next door!

You don't think they could be moving their luggage in, do you?

Oo-ooh, YES!

Well, he certainly has!

Hey, hang on.

I think he's just found the complimentary shower cap!

I've just remembered something...

that might cheer you up. What could be more fun than this?

Chocolate! Oh, I LOVE you!

Mmm-mmm! Mmm-mmm!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah - that's good! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

CREAKING ACCELERATES

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

They must have the biscuit centre.

CAR DRIVES OFF

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Yeah. Goodnight. Hey, come on!

I couldn't sleep. It's not easy being a single parent. You're not a parent.

But I'm single. Try brushing your teeth!

I'm sorry your date went so badly.

And how would you know about my date? A mother knows these things. Nick! Let it go!

Actually, I do have a question.

Are you talking to me? Yes.

I was really looking forward to my date this evening with Liam, but...

he just played table football with his mates!

You want the man's perspective? No, the immature git's perspective!

Well, I can help with that too.

What you see as table football is a very important male bonding ritual.

It's the only time in a young man's life where you really learn... Hmm?

..how to play football on a table!

Nick! Well, you wanted the immature git's perspective!

We have a saying round 'ere - if you can't see the headland, it's raining.

If you CAN see the headland, it's ABOUT to rain.

So, did you sleep well?

Well...actually, I was wondering if we could switch back to number 10.

The couple in number 6 were rather, um...loud. Loud? Oh, dear. I'm afraid we're full up.

Oh, that's all right. ..So, see anything interesting? Oh, yes!

The Ninefields Butterfly Farm is a bit of a treat. The Appledaw Shoe Museum is not to be missed.

And Bexhill World of Enchantment! I don't know how we'll pack it in! You could go to the dolphinarium.

That sounds interesting. It was.

..Sorry? Was?

Before the dolphin died.

..So, why would we want to go there, then?

Well, they've still got the tank!

Oh, they've still GOT the tank? ..I forgot to pack my camera!

When we were here before, you kept a guest book where you could fill in your thoughts on your stay.

Ooh! I haven't seen the guest book for some time. Should make good reading - "Today I saw a footprint."

Tell me - is John still the waiter?

Oh, you're going back a few years! John passed away. Oh, I'm sorry.

What about the nice lady who tended the gardens? Ah, Betty! Yes, Betty.

She's still here. We spread her ashes over her beloved hydrangeas.

What about the owners, George and Margaret? Such a cheery couple!

Margaret is dead, but George is still alive. Good.

He's in prison for strangling Margaret.

Well, you must give him our regards!

Who are you waving at? The couple in number 6. You don't know them. After last night, we know them intimately!

..Why are these tables so close together? I like it. Makes everything relaxed and chummy.

I don't want relaxed and chummy. I want tense and left alone. Good morning! Joan and Peter Pickering.

Susan and Ben Harper. First time here?

Actually, we were here once before we were married. Really? Yes, 20 long...

wonderful years! Newlyweds! Joan and I have been coming here for 30 years now.

We usually travel with another couple. They couldn't come this year. We decided to come anyway.

You're never too old to make new friends. We couldn't agree more, could we? No. We're in number 7.

Oh, wonderful! We're neighbours!

We're the couple in number 6!

Now I remember what it was I liked about this place. The intimacy of being cut off from the world?

No - the breakfasts.

I mean, sorry, the intimacy of being cut off from the world is fine,

but it's better on a full stomach.

Good save! Really?

I'm in a generous mood.

Well, I'm in the mood to receive!

Don't go anywhere. OK.

Not even the dolphinarium?

Yes!

Listen and learn!

..I see you've slipped into something more or less the same.

I've been thinking.

Oh, dear.

It's not easy turning 40.

So, why do you keep doing it, then?

DO try and understand me.

I feel like my whole life I've been travelling on the B417 when I could have been on the M6.

What do you want to go to Birmingham for?

The point is, it's about choices.

Who knows what my life might have been...

if I'd chosen differently.

I could have been anything.

Well, certainly not an Olympic hurdler!

The point is, I was young, I had my whole life ahead of me, and then I met you.

You met me, and your life turned to crap.

No. This isn't about you. You're irrelevant. Oh, THAT's reassuring

Oh, what's the point?!

Susan, we've come here to rekindle happy memories

and ended up wallowing in despair and depression.

It's like being at home.

CREAKING Oh, YES! Oh, no! Oh, no!

That jigsaw's harder than it looks, you know.

You intrigue me. How?

Half the pieces are missing.

Hello! Oh, hello! Had a nice day?

Hmm, yeah. I bet YOU did!

We always do. Life's too short not to be happy! Well, stop being happy. You'd make life go on forever.

So, your wife up in her room?

I expect so, unless she's popped out for a job interview with the SAS.

Sorry? She's going through a funny patch - mid-life crisis.

Don't talk to us about that! I...

All right, I won't, then. Don't worry, she'll get over it.

You don't get over a mid-life crisis. I started mine at 17!

Life's a bit like this jigsaw. Mm-hmm? Even though there are pieces missing, you still enjoy the puzzle.

No, I'm just enjoying the boredom until the misery sets in again.

Next you'll be telling me this glass is half-full!

No, it's half-empty. Let me get you another! ..Bernard! Aww...thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yes. Don't talk to me about kids today. It's just... Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Oh, no, Nick, it never ends!

KNOCK AT DOOR I've got to go - there's someone at the door. ..Come in! ..Goodbye.

Yes, darling - I love you very much.

..And so does Daddy.

Yes, he does!

Please don't cry, Nick.

I've really got to go. Goodbye.

I'm sorry. I just wondered if you had some make-up remover. Of course.

Are you OK? ..Do you want to talk?

I trained as a guidance counsellor... almost.

Do you and your husband ever, you know, have arguments? Oh, yes! Well, HE does.

I have an open exchange of ideas.

Stuart and I seem to be at each other's throats. Yes, we saw

This weekend was supposed to be a chance to get away from all that. We've been having an 'orrible time!

Can I really tell you this? Yes.

First, he said he was never going to leave his wife, then he told me I was fired!

Don't you think you might be better off talking to someone else?

Oh, no, you've got such an understanding face. Must be the wisdom of all the years.

..If you want the wisdom of the years, why don't you talk to the couple next door? They're disgusting!

It's just an older couple having fun.

You wouldn't say that if they approached you two. Stuart thinks it might be fun! I don't understand.

Those old people are swingers!

Swingers? ..As in Glenn Miller?

Or as in Glenn Miller, his wife and the rest of his band?

What are you laughing at? It's true! No-one believes it, but it's true.

Oh, Susan! Hello! Come and join us.

Hello. Ben, there's something I need to tell you. Hello. What? In private. Trouble at home?

No, a bit closer by. Don't tell me! There's been a breakout at the Butterfield Ninnery Park!

The Ninnery Botterfly Park.

Your husband's so funny! Yes, he's a scream

Come. Join us. In what order?

Eh? Come on! Come on! Come and join us!

All right. You asked for it!

Ben's been telling us how delightful your children are. How many has he had? Stop it! Don't be so cynical!

Chill out! Enjoy yourself! Don't worry - I intend to!

Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!

You don't meet many people like Peter and Joan.

I don't think we've met ANY people like Peter and Joan!

We all ought to get together and DO something! Yes! All four of us! Why not? It's a date!

Our first date! PETER AND JOAN CHUCKLE KNOWINGLY

SUSAN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

So, um... What do we fancy doing? Oh, that's a little lacking in spontaneity, isn't it?

We ought to make a plan, or we're all gonna end up at the Appledaw Shoe Museum!

You're so funny!

And I'm just warming up!

..Oh, hello!

So are you!

Oh, I know, OK. ..Sorry, we're just...getting a bit tired.

Oh, yes, look at the time! I could do with a nap.

Good idea! I'll go on ahead,

let you all finish making your plans.

You KNEW, didn't you?

Of course I knew!

Why didn't you tell me?

I tried, Ben! But then I started having too much fun!

At my age, you have to get your kicks where you can! ..Like Joan and Peter!

Very funnyI almost ended up as an octogenarian's sex puppy!

You can't blame them, Ben. Their usual partners couldn't make it this year. Mr Birch had a hip replacement

and that affected his swing!

KNOCK AT DOOR

How did you leave it with the Pickerings? They know the score.

You did say, "No," didn't you?

I said, um...

I said we'd let them know.

You idiot! I'm sorry - I couldn't hurt their feelings!

MORE KNOCKS I'M not getting it! YOU get it! You do it! You! Say something!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry, we're not interested in sexual relations with either you or your wife, all right?

Well, she's good enough for me.

I'm so sorry. I am terribly sorry!

I thought you were somebody else.

Ah, the Pickerings!

I just wanted to drop this by.

What is this? It's the guest book your wife was looking for.

I found it in the games cupboard when I was putting your jigsaw away. I have a Scrabble set, if you like.

But there are no Ss, Ts or Ns.

We won't bother, then, Bernard.

It's still raining. Really?

It's Bernard. He's brought the guest book you wanted.

Really? Yeah. Oh, look - April 1978!

Oh, God! 1978! "Thank you for a glorious weekend. I came here unsure of so many things.

"But as I leave I know I am taking the first step on a wonderful adventure called 'married life.'"

Puke!

And yours? I didn't write anything. You did. We both did.

Oh, you're right. I did. Ben Harper - "Bed, breakfast, and the girl of my dreams.

"I have found my true north - the solar flare I call Susan.

"She's the only girl for me."

Let me see that. No, I... Come on. Let me see!

Ah, here we are. Ben Harper -

"The toilet didn't flush."

That's what you wrote? That's all you could say about our wonderful weekend?

That's SO lovely.

Is it? That you cared enough to lie.

And so BADLY, too!

You know what?

What? There's plenty more where that came from. Good.

Because I plan turning 41 next year, and I hear that one's a REAL bitch!

RAPID CREAKING Susan! Oh, God! That's good!

Oh, that's REALLY good! That's fantastic! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

I SAID, "Turn left!" I asked and you said, "Right!"

When I said, "Right, right," I meant "right" as in "correct"!

My God! This place is spotless!

Something's wrong!

Hello, Mum. Hello, Father.

Welcome home.

Oh, my God! They're going to start singing Edelweiss!

..How was your weekend?

Fine. Perfect.

It wasn't my fault! Steady!

OK.

Which one of you is going to crack first?

My money's on this one.

NICK WHINES

They wouldn't do what I said! He went to the pub! She went out with a boy with dead parents! They left me!

So, you remember the way? Yes, I remember.

I'd like to go to Spain. Left at the bottom of the road.