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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,800
BIRDS CHIRP
2
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,200
Hey, Susan.
3
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,480
Hey, Susan!
4
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:26,160
Come on, you're the nature-lover.
5
00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:32,320
SHE SNORES
6
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MORE CHIRPING
7
00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,520
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
8
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,440
DOG BARKS
9
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,240
Shut up!
10
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:14,720
GLASS SMASHES
11
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:29,120
HE SIGHS
12
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,000
ALARM RINGS
13
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,200
Good morning!
14
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,720
No, it isn't.
15
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,640
You always wake up so grumpy!
16
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:55,080
OK, Mr Fisher. Bite down, please.
17
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,920
Very good. ..Brigette, kidney dish.
18
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,960
Well, that's lovely
19
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:09,840
So, what did you do at the weekend?
Nrrrmph, glumph, mm-nnm...
20
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,360
I've heard it can be expensive.
21
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:17,400
Ungth? Me? Oh, the weekend of my
dreams, down at the DIY superstore.
22
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:24,200
Dragging a sulky teenager up
and down the aisles, trying to get
them interested in home decorating.
23
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,720
Where DO they get the staff from?
24
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:31,960
Or the prices? ..Any chance
of that kidney dish before I retire?
25
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,280
See these?
26
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,200
£18, they cost me. Gnnnurrr!
27
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:43,160
That's what I thought.
All they do is cut tiles.
28
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:47,360
Kidney dish!
You can have it when you apologise.
29
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:52,320
My part-time assistant - funny thing
is, I'm paying her full-time.
30
00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:53,640
All right!
31
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,560
Thank you!
32
00:02:55,560 --> 00:03:03,400
But you HAVE been forgetting
to pass on my messages. Huh!
Just cos you've got trouble at home!
33
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,040
I haven't got trouble at home!
34
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:10,800
I forgot. Your wife rang -
there's trouble at home.
35
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,960
Voila! What do you think?
36
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,760
Oh, Mum...
well, you've done it again.
37
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:27,680
Thank you, dear. Tell the boys
dinner's ready. That's right -
make me the bringer of bad news.
38
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,440
Bad news - a meal with your family?!
Michael! Nick!
39
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,160
Yellow alert!
40
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:41,080
Mum... Yes, dear? What do you think
of tongue studs? They're ugly,
disgusting and unhygienic.
41
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,640
Good, cos I want a tattoo. No.
42
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:48,280
When's Dad coming home?
I think he's working late today.
43
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:53,440
Why? Because I left him a message
asking him to come home early.
44
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:58,480
Hi, darling! I'm sorry I'm late.
It's just I didn't get your message.
45
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:04,120
What message? What message...what?
The message you didn't get. Ah!
46
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:08,480
That smells good.
I knew it - Dad's having an affair.
47
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:12,880
SUSAN LAUGHS
I'll ignore that laugh.
48
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:17,320
Like you ignored my messages.
That was the glove puppet.
49
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:21,520
What's the trouble? Michael's got
a problem with Jason Hodder.
50
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:25,280
Hodder, J? The fat kid
who smells like sour milk?
51
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,440
No, that's Keith Burstell.
52
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,760
Jason's the one with the itch.
Which end?
53
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,320
No, that's Lee Matthews.
54
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:36,640
Jason had the head lice. Spread
through the school like wildfire.
55
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:39,840
I never thanked him properly
for that.
56
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:43,120
What's he spreading now?
Cholera, typhoid, distemper?
57
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:47,680
He's been picking on Michael.
He doesn't want to go to school.
58
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:52,800
Who would, with THAT class?
School's MEANT to be unpleasant.
59
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,520
You know - to prepare you for life.
60
00:04:55,520 --> 00:05:00,080
Do you really want to be
left out of family discussions?
61
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:07,000
So...it's probably horseplay,
youthful high spirits.
62
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:14,280
I mean, good God, everyone's
had a Jason Hodder at school!
Look at me - I had Digger Beaumont.
63
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,800
Never did ME any harm.
64
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:27,720
I'm here. Oh, God!
65
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:34,320
Hey, guess what?
I'm going to buy us a new house.
66
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:37,880
So you got that job at Burger King,
then?
67
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,400
Yeah, right, Dad
68
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:44,280
No, I'm going to become
a dotcom millionaire.
69
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,320
Shouldn't you get a good idea first?
70
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,920
But it IS a good idea.
71
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,000
Dotcom millionaire.
72
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,400
All that money!
73
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,920
Why did we have him?
74
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:07,120
You were too lazy to get up
and walk to the drawer.
75
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,040
Mmm.
76
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,920
This is, um...
77
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,720
Isn't it? It's really, um...
78
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,080
It's... What is it?
79
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,760
Nepalese lamb melange.
80
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:31,960
You said it'd be chicken. I never
name a dish till I've tasted it. Bon
appetit! You mean "bonne chance"!
81
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:36,280
PHONE RINGS
It's probably one of my investors.
82
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,920
Dad, can I have a car?
83
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:43,760
Car? You're 16!
You can't even drive! I know.
84
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:47,880
It's my opening gambit.
Your fallback position?
85
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:51,960
A DVD player.
No. What do you really want?
86
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,520
A tattoo. A tat...!
87
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,480
No way! Why?
All the girls at school have one!
88
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,600
One of the girls at school
has got a baby.
89
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,120
Maybe a tattoo
sounds better and better.
90
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,800
No.
91
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:11,040
Michael, that was your friend -
Stinky Cheeseboy.
92
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:15,400
It's Keith. And it's glandular,
he can't help it.
93
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:22,440
- He wants to know if you'd got your
underpants down from the lamp post.
- Anything to tell us, Michael?
94
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:27,840
Is Jason Hodder picking on you? No.
Then explain about the underpants!
95
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,120
Oh, my darling,
why didn't you tell us?
96
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:37,840
Two reasons - you and Dad. What?!
You'd have overreacted
and Dad wouldn't react at all.
97
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:40,720
Oh, my poor baby! I can't breathe!
98
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,640
I don't react - huh!
Well, there you are, then.
99
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,960
I'll ring the school.
100
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,720
That'll make him REALLY popular!
101
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,320
I react - no-one listens.
102
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:55,080
If the worst happens,
can I have your computer?
103
00:07:55,080 --> 00:08:01,200
God! I'll call the office
first thing. NO, Mum!
You're such a control freak!
104
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:06,200
Me, a control freak?! All I care
about is my children's happiness!
105
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,160
So can I have a tattoo? NO! Dad...
106
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:12,400
Only if it says
"Daddy's little sunbeam".
107
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,480
SPORT ON TV
108
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:27,320
Ben, this is too awful!
There's nothing else on.
109
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,840
He called me a control freak!
110
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:33,560
Hey! Hey!
I'm not a control freak, am I?
111
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:39,840
No...of course not. You're more
of a control...enthusiast.
112
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:46,560
At least I'm enthusiastic about
SOMETHING! How can you watch the
forces of darkness close in on Mike?
113
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:51,400
We're talking about a snotty-nosed
schoolkid, not Jabba the Hutt!
114
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:56,440
In other words, you don't care.
Don't try to make me feel guilty.
115
00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:01,480
YOU sort it out.
But I'M not a control freak.
No. That's good, then.
116
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:08,320
So...
117
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,960
..it really doesn't bother you?
118
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:16,440
Oh, all right, Susan! I know it
looks like sometimes I don't care.
119
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,800
And sometimes I don't.
120
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,920
But it's a not caring
that comes from caring too much...
121
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,360
..in a caring sort of careless way.
122
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:30,560
When it comes to parenting, I put it
down to the bird-watching theory.
123
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,040
you've got to keep your distance,
124
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,160
keep very still,
and try not to scare them.
125
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:43,400
I'm asking you to talk to him,
not put a ring round his leg
and track his migratory habits!
126
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,800
I just think
there's a higher law at work.
127
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:53,320
What law? Ben Harper's Law -
there's nothing in life so bad
it can't be made worse.
128
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:57,320
You're forgetting
Susan Harper's Corollary -
129
00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:02,320
if you don't make an effort, I'm
going to make your life bloody hell.
130
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,400
I'll talk to him, OK?
131
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:11,640
Teach me! I need to learn computers
to be a dotcom millionaire.
132
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:14,560
I'll give you 1% of the company.
133
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,400
I want 15% of adjusted gross
134
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,480
and 2% of international sales
in perpetuity.
135
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,120
OK.
136
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,680
What do you want to know?
137
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:31,200
Where's the dot button?
138
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:34,720
Cool!
139
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,240
Where's the com button?
140
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,160
Oh, hi, Michael. Hey, Dad.
141
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:46,280
Are you busy? He's in a meeting. Why
can't you be normal? Just lucky.
142
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:50,920
So...Mikey... If it's about Jason,
you're wasting your time.
143
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:55,440
Just for your mother,
let's go through the motions. Yeah.
144
00:10:55,440 --> 00:11:00,920
You see, deep down, all bullies are
cowards. Jason isn't. He's scary.
145
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:04,040
He made the gym teacher
wet his pants.
146
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:07,320
He may be scary... And fat.
All right!
147
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:11,160
But there are things you can do.
Like what?
148
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,800
Well, you know... You be Jason.
149
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,600
You're Jason Hodder and I'm you.
150
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:21,680
This is stupid! Try and scare me
and I'll show you how to react.
151
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:25,000
Come on, put me down.
Try and scare me.
152
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,320
You tax return has to be in
by Wednesday.
153
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,040
Oh, my God, I'd forgotten!
154
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:34,240
You haven't even begun
to do your books!
155
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:39,240
If you're late, there'll be a
whopping fine. Get out, you pillock!
156
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:43,080
Sticks and stones...
Don't give me any ideas!
157
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:47,080
Oh, no! I've, um...
158
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,080
Forget it.
159
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:54,480
No. If people put you down, you
can't let them see you're scared.
160
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:58,040
If they use names,
fight fire with fire.
161
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:02,960
There's no point. Let's switch
roles - you're you, I'm Jason.
162
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:07,880
Look at me. I'm big, I'm tough,
and I'm after your lunch money.
163
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,800
Hey, Harper!
164
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,280
You little four-eyed squirt!
165
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:14,800
Please!
166
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:19,840
Come on, Mike! Scare me! Come on,
scare me! Try and put me down!
167
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:26,840
You're losing your hair, getting
turkey neck and you're only
a dentist cos you failed medicine!
168
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,360
Oh...what are you doing?
169
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:50,400
I'm looking for my tax receipts.
It's 2am! Do it later.
170
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,480
I have been looking since 11pm.
171
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,960
You've been looking
for three hours?!
172
00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:01,720
If you're so good at arithmetic,
you can do my tax for me.
173
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,440
What are you so worked up about?
174
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,600
Michael!
175
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:12,800
Michael! He called me
a "failed doctor"!
176
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,200
Huh! He called ME a control freak.
177
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:19,000
You ARE a control freak! I AM NOT!
178
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:25,800
You stopped me going
to medical school because dentists
get more money! Oh...! Yes! Yes!
179
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,480
Oh, yes!
180
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:32,320
Where's the receipt
for the new X-ray machine?
181
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,680
In the "Receipts" file,
under the letter "X"!
182
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:41,160
You've been tidying up again! "Thank
you for saving me time and trouble!"
183
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:47,760
When I put things
under the tortoise...I expect
to find it under the tortoise!
184
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:51,920
Tidying up is just a way
of controlling things!
185
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:57,040
If you had been more organised,
maybe you COULD have been a doctor!
186
00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:03,920
If you'd been five inches taller,
blonde, with long legs,
YOU could have been a doctor's wife!
187
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:12,240
Please, Mum! They cost a fortune,
they hurt, and once you've got one,
you're stuck with it for life!
188
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:16,320
It's only a tattoo!
I was talking about daughters.
189
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,600
Subject closed, OK?
190
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:24,120
Are you ready, dear?
Couldn't I just be ill today?
191
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:30,200
That'd be admitting defeat. Couldn't
I admit defeat? No, that'd be wrong.
192
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,720
Nick, were you born in a pigsty?
193
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,480
I don't know. YOU were there.
194
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:39,960
23 hours of blissful labour -
even then, you were slow.
195
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:45,320
Now, if Jason gives you any trouble,
go straight to the head teacher.
196
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,880
I'll handle this myself, Mum. Good.
197
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:52,320
Remember - a sense of humour
helps you through
the most difficult times.
198
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:58,400
When he puts your head
down the toilet,
think of it as a comedy opportunity!
199
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,680
Nick, any advice?
200
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:05,680
Yeah. Think positive - only
the pathetic let life get them down.
201
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,200
The crap starts here!
202
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:12,320
Another glorious day
at the bumhole of dentistry!
203
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:17,760
Tell your father
there's coffee in the pot.
There's coffee in the pot.
204
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:21,480
He's been up all night,
fannying around with his income tax.
205
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,680
Tell your mother
I was not fannying around.
206
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:28,120
I was looking for the receipts
she's hidden.
207
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:31,280
Dad apologises
for everything he did
208
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:34,680
and whatever it was
was entirely his fault.
209
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:38,160
If that's the case,
tell him I forgive him.
210
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,520
Mum says she wants a divorce.
211
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,520
Shut up!
Dad says shut up.
212
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,760
I agree with your father.
213
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,040
Please! I'd rather go to school!
214
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,080
Scaler.
215
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:58,760
I'm sorry I said Celine Dion sounded
like a cat trapped in a dogs' home.
216
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,960
Scaler. Thank you.
217
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,720
PHONE RINGS
She does, though.
218
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,120
Hello, surgery. He's with a patient.
219
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:12,600
I COULD take a message, but he'll
only ignore it, Mrs Harper...
220
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,280
Hello, darling. It's Michael.
221
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,880
What now?
It's a bit difficult to describe.
222
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:22,080
How serious,
on a scale of one to ten?
223
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,000
14.7.
224
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:33,120
I think we have to report this
to the school.
225
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,280
I already tried, but it was closed.
226
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:41,160
This was stuck to his back? Yes.
What's happening to our schools?
227
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:44,480
It's obscene,
AND the spelling is atrocious.
228
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:51,400
They should teach our kids,
not arm them with weapons
of mass destruction! It's CUSTARD!
229
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:58,360
Today custard, tomorrow Poland!
Hodder's a menace!
I wonder what his parents are like?
230
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:03,480
Janey...his parents? I think his
dad's a builder. That says it all!
231
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:10,560
Builders' answer to everything is a
slap in the gob! Only when you call
them names. THAT was a plumber.
232
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:14,000
And it wasn't a name -
it was a suggestion.
233
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:20,600
I can't accept that we have to wait
till Monday to sort this out.
It's just a weekend.
234
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,560
It's hell! I'm tense and on edge.
235
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,840
A normal weekend, then.
236
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,760
I will forgive but not forget that.
237
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,200
Here's a mad idea!
238
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:38,200
So many! Let's invite Jason's
parents over and sort this out.
239
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,320
Let's...not. Why?
240
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:46,600
Has 22 years of marriage taught you
nothing? When have we intervened
in anything and made it better?
241
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,880
Lots of times. When?
You weren't there.
242
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:57,240
I'm not having Mr and Mrs Godzilla
trampling all over my furniture
with their filthy tattoos... Dad!
243
00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:02,160
..shouting builders' obscenities
from years of on-site training.
244
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:07,280
I'm sure they'll be civilised.
Everyone starts that way. Not you.
245
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:14,120
When the fur starts to fly,
the dog always sides with his whelp.
How do you know? Discovery Channel.
246
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:18,840
Ben, if you could have seen Michael
when he came home today,
247
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:22,560
his little eyes blinking
through a layer of dried custard,
248
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,360
as much as to say,
249
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:28,160
"Why me, Mummy?"
250
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:33,440
He was the saddest school dinner
you ever did see.
251
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,920
When do you want them round?
252
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:40,080
DOORBELL
No! I told them about now.
253
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,080
Susan!
254
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,240
Susan, I...!
255
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:49,520
Oh, my God. Go and read that
in your room. I'd rather stay here.
256
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:53,720
This is going to be
very, very unpleasant.
257
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,120
I know!
258
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:02,400
She said she'd do it,
but I never dreamed she would!
259
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:07,400
You should know by now -
Dad says things and doesn't do them,
260
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:11,840
Mum does whatever pops
into her head. Goodbye, room.
261
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,320
Goodbye, Pokemon cards.
262
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,760
And I only had 212 to go.
263
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,560
Goodbye, Crick. Goodbye, Watson.
264
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,480
Cheer up. It could be worse. How?
265
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:26,320
You could get kidnapped
by a covert government agency
266
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,520
who inject you
with a newly developed supervirus
267
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,680
which mimics the symptoms
of gangrene.
268
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:40,200
Thanks, Nick. Somehow you put
all my problems in perspective.
269
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,800
What am I here for?
270
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,680
Ben?
271
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,680
This is Louise and Graham Hodder.
272
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,960
Hello. Everything all right?
273
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:01,280
Everything's fine.
I was expecting someone...
274
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:04,080
..a bit, um...else.
275
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,640
Do please sit down.
276
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,360
Thank you. Dad! Ben! Sorry!
277
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:16,440
So...
278
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:17,840
So!
279
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,920
Oh, is it my turn? So...
280
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,560
This is our daughter, Janey,
who's about to go to her room.
281
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,760
No need to leave on our account.
Thanks!
282
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,920
So... So...
283
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:31,520
A drink? Wine, beer...?
284
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:35,160
White wine, please.
Orange squash.
285
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,560
Orange squash?!
286
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:40,120
Are you SURE you're a builder?
287
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:42,560
Good Lord, no! I'm a doctor.
288
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:51,000
A doctor. Why did you think
he was a builder?
289
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,440
Um...Hodder - hod, you know...
290
00:20:55,400 --> 00:21:00,280
Janey! Mmm?
I don't know - builder, doctor...
291
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,520
OK, Dad. I just wanted to spare
your feelings.
292
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:07,040
Dad's a dentist.
Oh, I see.
293
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,680
Glad to see you're all
getting on so well!
294
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,160
Let's get to the bloody point.
295
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,080
Your son has been bullying our son,
296
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,680
so what are you going
to do about it?
297
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,000
Well, we don't know, really.
298
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,520
What?
299
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:34,320
We don't believe in discipline.
Jason's actions express
his natural exuberance.
300
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,840
They don't express
his total yobbery, then?
301
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:43,440
We know Jason can be seen
as a difficult child.
302
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,360
We decided not to let it bother us.
303
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:49,520
They decided
not to let it bother them!
304
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,960
But what about OUR son?
305
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:56,200
Interesting point. However,
after a great deal of discussion,
306
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,960
we realised it's wrong
to push the river.
307
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:03,760
Yes. Graham feels it goes against
nature, which is a mistake.
308
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,680
Excuse me,
backtracking a moment...
309
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,640
Twiglet?
310
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:14,160
Are you saying...you do nothing?
No.
311
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:20,240
As parents, we are the bows.
Our children are the arrows.
We let them fly.
312
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:25,560
He's flying, all right - he's flying
over my son and crapping custard!
313
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:28,960
I know. It's all a bit embarrassing.
314
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:32,680
Janey!
Yeah, I think it's embarrassing too.
315
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,280
Go to your room.
But...
316
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:39,200
Now! Did you see that?
317
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:43,680
The man's a complete fascist.
Yes, but...it worked!
318
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,920
How do you do that?
319
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:51,960
It's quite simple.
We've put 20 years of hard
bloody work into this family.
320
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:56,760
Tantrums, sulks, answering back,
tears, recriminations.
321
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,280
And not just from Susan.
322
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,080
We have our up days as well!
323
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,440
I know you think
you're good parents...
324
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:09,720
NO, we don't THINK
we're good parents. We're not.
325
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,240
We're just...ordinary parents.
326
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:17,160
My husband is speaking for himself,
but I back him up. It's true.
327
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,760
We're just above indifferent.
You, as parents,
328
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:24,360
are scraping the barrel
of downright abysmal.
329
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:30,200
It was to be a rational
conversation!
I don't like your idea of rational.
330
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:34,360
Maybe your rational parenting
has made a bully of your son,
331
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:40,680
who's bullying MY son
and stealing his lunch money,
which is MY lunch money.
332
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,880
Dentists - it's always about money!
333
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,280
No, it's about my son!
334
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:59,400
Didn't like that, did you? Not nice,
being bullied. We'd better leave...
335
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,080
Oh, I'm so sorry!
336
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,920
Being pushed around, huh?
How do you like it?
337
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:10,840
When you see your darling son,
give him that from me! And that!
338
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:14,120
Don't forget your coats!
GOODNIGHT, DOCTOR!
339
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:23,920
Unbelievable. Anyone else but Dad,
it would've been cool.
340
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:28,800
Hello, children! Now, what you saw
your father doing this evening
341
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,680
was quite, quite wrong.
Right, Ben?
342
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:37,160
Yes, um... There are many reasons
why violence isn't the answer.
343
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,160
Number one, it's illegal.
344
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:42,080
Two, he could have been
bigger than me.
345
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,880
Three, he could have had
a heart condition.
346
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:48,160
Four, his brother
could have been bigger than me.
347
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:52,120
Five... Five...
They're going to tell Jason.
348
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:55,240
Goodbye, stairs. Goodbye, house.
Goodbye, life...
349
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:08,680
Still no sign of Michael! Maybe he's
over at Stinky Cheeseboy's again.
350
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:15,760
No, I tried there. Perhaps Jason
caught him on the way home. We
should have got him a mobile phone.
351
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:21,880
That's buying him off!
Not Jason - Michael!
I was trying to lighten up things.
352
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:25,120
Where could he be? It worked
353
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:32,760
He could be lying in a ditch
somewhere, clothes torn,
covered in lukewarm dessert topping!
354
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,360
I don't think so. You're so blase!
355
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,880
Hey, Mum. Michael! You're all right?
356
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:42,680
Yes. But Jason... There won't be
any more from him. What did you do?
357
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:47,960
Stand up to bullies and they soon
back down. You stood up to him?!
358
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:52,760
Well...sort of. I stood up
and Janey let him have it.
359
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:56,320
You used violence?
360
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:59,440
No, I used
the language of flowers
361
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:04,160
Oh, my God! My daughter, the thug.
Did anyone see you?
362
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,360
No. Good girl.
363
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:12,840
Why am I the only one to see
the down side to all this?
Because you're Dad, Dad.
364
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:19,240
What'll happen to Mikey when
Xena, Warrior Princess isn't around
any more? That's sorted.
365
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:24,440
Jason knows the whole school will
find out he was beaten up by a girl.
366
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:29,320
So what's the catch? No catch. I was
just helping out my little brother.
367
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:36,040
Plus I was really grateful
when you let me get a tattoo.
We didn't! Yes, you did.
368
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:40,000
OH! It's...lovely.
Is it a caterpillar?
369
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,360
Mum! It's a scorpion!
370
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:48,280
It's a sweet little scorpion.
Look, Ben - it's smiling.
I can't believe you!
371
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,560
Game, set and match!
372
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:58,200
Oh, you're good. Thank you, dear.
And I was so scary!
373
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,920
I'm getting a feel for e-commerce.
374
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,200
That's because you're an ee-jit.
375
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:10,800
I tried to think of something
people really, really need.
376
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,600
Nobody ever knows what the time is.
377
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:17,360
So they visit my website
and I tell them.
378
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:20,080
It's called on-the-dot.com.
379
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:25,160
Why don't they look
on their computer screen?
380
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:26,520
Eh?
381
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:31,320
There's a clock
in the corner of the screen.
382
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:34,120
Oh, yeah.
383
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,360
Cool!
384
00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:45,080
So, Son, have you learned anything
from all this?
385
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:50,120
There's something you can take away
that'll help throughout life.
386
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:53,160
Want to hear it? Not really.
387
00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:58,840
None of it gets any better, but the
more it happens, the less it hurts.
388
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:03,520
Thanks, Dad. That's all right, Son.
389
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:06,800
That's all right. What?!
32492
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