Original subtitles

BIRDS CHIRP

Hey, Susan.

Hey, Susan!

Come on, you're the nature-lover.

SHE SNORES

MORE CHIRPING

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

DOG BARKS

Shut up!

GLASS SMASHES

HE SIGHS

ALARM RINGS

Good morning!

No, it isn't.

You always wake up so grumpy!

OK, Mr Fisher. Bite down, please.

Very good. ..Brigette, kidney dish.

Well, that's lovely

So, what did you do at the weekend? Nrrrmph, glumph, mm-nnm...

I've heard it can be expensive.

Ungth? Me? Oh, the weekend of my dreams, down at the DIY superstore.

Dragging a sulky teenager up and down the aisles, trying to get them interested in home decorating.

Where DO they get the staff from?

Or the prices? ..Any chance of that kidney dish before I retire?

See these?

£18, they cost me. Gnnnurrr!

That's what I thought. All they do is cut tiles.

Kidney dish! You can have it when you apologise.

My part-time assistant - funny thing is, I'm paying her full-time.

All right!

Thank you!

But you HAVE been forgetting to pass on my messages. Huh! Just cos you've got trouble at home!

I haven't got trouble at home!

I forgot. Your wife rang - there's trouble at home.

Voila! What do you think?

Oh, Mum... well, you've done it again.

Thank you, dear. Tell the boys dinner's ready. That's right - make me the bringer of bad news.

Bad news - a meal with your family?! Michael! Nick!

Yellow alert!

Mum... Yes, dear? What do you think of tongue studs? They're ugly, disgusting and unhygienic.

Good, cos I want a tattoo. No.

When's Dad coming home? I think he's working late today.

Why? Because I left him a message asking him to come home early.

Hi, darling! I'm sorry I'm late. It's just I didn't get your message.

What message? What message...what? The message you didn't get. Ah!

That smells good. I knew it - Dad's having an affair.

SUSAN LAUGHS I'll ignore that laugh.

Like you ignored my messages. That was the glove puppet.

What's the trouble? Michael's got a problem with Jason Hodder.

Hodder, J? The fat kid who smells like sour milk?

No, that's Keith Burstell.

Jason's the one with the itch. Which end?

No, that's Lee Matthews.

Jason had the head lice. Spread through the school like wildfire.

I never thanked him properly for that.

What's he spreading now? Cholera, typhoid, distemper?

He's been picking on Michael. He doesn't want to go to school.

Who would, with THAT class? School's MEANT to be unpleasant.

You know - to prepare you for life.

Do you really want to be left out of family discussions?

So...it's probably horseplay, youthful high spirits.

I mean, good God, everyone's had a Jason Hodder at school! Look at me - I had Digger Beaumont.

Never did ME any harm.

I'm here. Oh, God!

Hey, guess what? I'm going to buy us a new house.

So you got that job at Burger King, then?

Yeah, right, Dad

No, I'm going to become a dotcom millionaire.

Shouldn't you get a good idea first?

But it IS a good idea.

Dotcom millionaire.

All that money!

Why did we have him?

You were too lazy to get up and walk to the drawer.

Mmm.

This is, um...

Isn't it? It's really, um...

It's... What is it?

Nepalese lamb melange.

You said it'd be chicken. I never name a dish till I've tasted it. Bon appetit! You mean "bonne chance"!

PHONE RINGS It's probably one of my investors.

Dad, can I have a car?

Car? You're 16! You can't even drive! I know.

It's my opening gambit. Your fallback position?

A DVD player. No. What do you really want?

A tattoo. A tat...!

No way! Why? All the girls at school have one!

One of the girls at school has got a baby.

Maybe a tattoo sounds better and better.

No.

Michael, that was your friend - Stinky Cheeseboy.

It's Keith. And it's glandular, he can't help it.

- He wants to know if you'd got your underpants down from the lamp post. - Anything to tell us, Michael?

Is Jason Hodder picking on you? No. Then explain about the underpants!

Oh, my darling, why didn't you tell us?

Two reasons - you and Dad. What?! You'd have overreacted and Dad wouldn't react at all.

Oh, my poor baby! I can't breathe!

I don't react - huh! Well, there you are, then.

I'll ring the school.

That'll make him REALLY popular!

I react - no-one listens.

If the worst happens, can I have your computer?

God! I'll call the office first thing. NO, Mum! You're such a control freak!

Me, a control freak?! All I care about is my children's happiness!

So can I have a tattoo? NO! Dad...

Only if it says "Daddy's little sunbeam".

SPORT ON TV

Ben, this is too awful! There's nothing else on.

He called me a control freak!

Hey! Hey! I'm not a control freak, am I?

No...of course not. You're more of a control...enthusiast.

At least I'm enthusiastic about SOMETHING! How can you watch the forces of darkness close in on Mike?

We're talking about a snotty-nosed schoolkid, not Jabba the Hutt!

In other words, you don't care. Don't try to make me feel guilty.

YOU sort it out. But I'M not a control freak. No. That's good, then.

So...

..it really doesn't bother you?

Oh, all right, Susan! I know it looks like sometimes I don't care.

And sometimes I don't.

But it's a not caring that comes from caring too much...

..in a caring sort of careless way.

When it comes to parenting, I put it down to the bird-watching theory.

you've got to keep your distance,

keep very still, and try not to scare them.

I'm asking you to talk to him, not put a ring round his leg and track his migratory habits!

I just think there's a higher law at work.

What law? Ben Harper's Law - there's nothing in life so bad it can't be made worse.

You're forgetting Susan Harper's Corollary -

if you don't make an effort, I'm going to make your life bloody hell.

I'll talk to him, OK?

Teach me! I need to learn computers to be a dotcom millionaire.

I'll give you 1% of the company.

I want 15% of adjusted gross

and 2% of international sales in perpetuity.

OK.

What do you want to know?

Where's the dot button?

Cool!

Where's the com button?

Oh, hi, Michael. Hey, Dad.

Are you busy? He's in a meeting. Why can't you be normal? Just lucky.

So...Mikey... If it's about Jason, you're wasting your time.

Just for your mother, let's go through the motions. Yeah.

You see, deep down, all bullies are cowards. Jason isn't. He's scary.

He made the gym teacher wet his pants.

He may be scary... And fat. All right!

But there are things you can do. Like what?

Well, you know... You be Jason.

You're Jason Hodder and I'm you.

This is stupid! Try and scare me and I'll show you how to react.

Come on, put me down. Try and scare me.

You tax return has to be in by Wednesday.

Oh, my God, I'd forgotten!

You haven't even begun to do your books!

If you're late, there'll be a whopping fine. Get out, you pillock!

Sticks and stones... Don't give me any ideas!

Oh, no! I've, um...

Forget it.

No. If people put you down, you can't let them see you're scared.

If they use names, fight fire with fire.

There's no point. Let's switch roles - you're you, I'm Jason.

Look at me. I'm big, I'm tough, and I'm after your lunch money.

Hey, Harper!

You little four-eyed squirt!

Please!

Come on, Mike! Scare me! Come on, scare me! Try and put me down!

You're losing your hair, getting turkey neck and you're only a dentist cos you failed medicine!

Oh...what are you doing?

I'm looking for my tax receipts. It's 2am! Do it later.

I have been looking since 11pm.

You've been looking for three hours?!

If you're so good at arithmetic, you can do my tax for me.

What are you so worked up about?

Michael!

Michael! He called me a "failed doctor"!

Huh! He called ME a control freak.

You ARE a control freak! I AM NOT!

You stopped me going to medical school because dentists get more money! Oh...! Yes! Yes!

Oh, yes!

Where's the receipt for the new X-ray machine?

In the "Receipts" file, under the letter "X"!

You've been tidying up again! "Thank you for saving me time and trouble!"

When I put things under the tortoise...I expect to find it under the tortoise!

Tidying up is just a way of controlling things!

If you had been more organised, maybe you COULD have been a doctor!

If you'd been five inches taller, blonde, with long legs, YOU could have been a doctor's wife!

Please, Mum! They cost a fortune, they hurt, and once you've got one, you're stuck with it for life!

It's only a tattoo! I was talking about daughters.

Subject closed, OK?

Are you ready, dear? Couldn't I just be ill today?

That'd be admitting defeat. Couldn't I admit defeat? No, that'd be wrong.

Nick, were you born in a pigsty?

I don't know. YOU were there.

23 hours of blissful labour - even then, you were slow.

Now, if Jason gives you any trouble, go straight to the head teacher.

I'll handle this myself, Mum. Good.

Remember - a sense of humour helps you through the most difficult times.

When he puts your head down the toilet, think of it as a comedy opportunity!

Nick, any advice?

Yeah. Think positive - only the pathetic let life get them down.

The crap starts here!

Another glorious day at the bumhole of dentistry!

Tell your father there's coffee in the pot. There's coffee in the pot.

He's been up all night, fannying around with his income tax.

Tell your mother I was not fannying around.

I was looking for the receipts she's hidden.

Dad apologises for everything he did

and whatever it was was entirely his fault.

If that's the case, tell him I forgive him.

Mum says she wants a divorce.

Shut up! Dad says shut up.

I agree with your father.

Please! I'd rather go to school!

Scaler.

I'm sorry I said Celine Dion sounded like a cat trapped in a dogs' home.

Scaler. Thank you.

PHONE RINGS She does, though.

Hello, surgery. He's with a patient.

I COULD take a message, but he'll only ignore it, Mrs Harper...

Hello, darling. It's Michael.

What now? It's a bit difficult to describe.

How serious, on a scale of one to ten?

14.7.

I think we have to report this to the school.

I already tried, but it was closed.

This was stuck to his back? Yes. What's happening to our schools?

It's obscene, AND the spelling is atrocious.

They should teach our kids, not arm them with weapons of mass destruction! It's CUSTARD!

Today custard, tomorrow Poland! Hodder's a menace! I wonder what his parents are like?

Janey...his parents? I think his dad's a builder. That says it all!

Builders' answer to everything is a slap in the gob! Only when you call them names. THAT was a plumber.

And it wasn't a name - it was a suggestion.

I can't accept that we have to wait till Monday to sort this out. It's just a weekend.

It's hell! I'm tense and on edge.

A normal weekend, then.

I will forgive but not forget that.

Here's a mad idea!

So many! Let's invite Jason's parents over and sort this out.

Let's...not. Why?

Has 22 years of marriage taught you nothing? When have we intervened in anything and made it better?

Lots of times. When? You weren't there.

I'm not having Mr and Mrs Godzilla trampling all over my furniture with their filthy tattoos... Dad!

..shouting builders' obscenities from years of on-site training.

I'm sure they'll be civilised. Everyone starts that way. Not you.

When the fur starts to fly, the dog always sides with his whelp. How do you know? Discovery Channel.

Ben, if you could have seen Michael when he came home today,

his little eyes blinking through a layer of dried custard,

as much as to say,

"Why me, Mummy?"

He was the saddest school dinner you ever did see.

When do you want them round?

DOORBELL No! I told them about now.

Susan!

Susan, I...!

Oh, my God. Go and read that in your room. I'd rather stay here.

This is going to be very, very unpleasant.

I know!

She said she'd do it, but I never dreamed she would!

You should know by now - Dad says things and doesn't do them,

Mum does whatever pops into her head. Goodbye, room.

Goodbye, Pokemon cards.

And I only had 212 to go.

Goodbye, Crick. Goodbye, Watson.

Cheer up. It could be worse. How?

You could get kidnapped by a covert government agency

who inject you with a newly developed supervirus

which mimics the symptoms of gangrene.

Thanks, Nick. Somehow you put all my problems in perspective.

What am I here for?

Ben?

This is Louise and Graham Hodder.

Hello. Everything all right?

Everything's fine. I was expecting someone...

..a bit, um...else.

Do please sit down.

Thank you. Dad! Ben! Sorry!

So...

So!

Oh, is it my turn? So...

This is our daughter, Janey, who's about to go to her room.

No need to leave on our account. Thanks!

So... So...

A drink? Wine, beer...?

White wine, please. Orange squash.

Orange squash?!

Are you SURE you're a builder?

Good Lord, no! I'm a doctor.

A doctor. Why did you think he was a builder?

Um...Hodder - hod, you know...

Janey! Mmm? I don't know - builder, doctor...

OK, Dad. I just wanted to spare your feelings.

Dad's a dentist. Oh, I see.

Glad to see you're all getting on so well!

Let's get to the bloody point.

Your son has been bullying our son,

so what are you going to do about it?

Well, we don't know, really.

What?

We don't believe in discipline. Jason's actions express his natural exuberance.

They don't express his total yobbery, then?

We know Jason can be seen as a difficult child.

We decided not to let it bother us.

They decided not to let it bother them!

But what about OUR son?

Interesting point. However, after a great deal of discussion,

we realised it's wrong to push the river.

Yes. Graham feels it goes against nature, which is a mistake.

Excuse me, backtracking a moment...

Twiglet?

Are you saying...you do nothing? No.

As parents, we are the bows. Our children are the arrows. We let them fly.

He's flying, all right - he's flying over my son and crapping custard!

I know. It's all a bit embarrassing.

Janey! Yeah, I think it's embarrassing too.

Go to your room. But...

Now! Did you see that?

The man's a complete fascist. Yes, but...it worked!

How do you do that?

It's quite simple. We've put 20 years of hard bloody work into this family.

Tantrums, sulks, answering back, tears, recriminations.

And not just from Susan.

We have our up days as well!

I know you think you're good parents...

NO, we don't THINK we're good parents. We're not.

We're just...ordinary parents.

My husband is speaking for himself, but I back him up. It's true.

We're just above indifferent. You, as parents,

are scraping the barrel of downright abysmal.

It was to be a rational conversation! I don't like your idea of rational.

Maybe your rational parenting has made a bully of your son,

who's bullying MY son and stealing his lunch money, which is MY lunch money.

Dentists - it's always about money!

No, it's about my son!

Didn't like that, did you? Not nice, being bullied. We'd better leave...

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Being pushed around, huh? How do you like it?

When you see your darling son, give him that from me! And that!

Don't forget your coats! GOODNIGHT, DOCTOR!

Unbelievable. Anyone else but Dad, it would've been cool.

Hello, children! Now, what you saw your father doing this evening

was quite, quite wrong. Right, Ben?

Yes, um... There are many reasons why violence isn't the answer.

Number one, it's illegal.

Two, he could have been bigger than me.

Three, he could have had a heart condition.

Four, his brother could have been bigger than me.

Five... Five... They're going to tell Jason.

Goodbye, stairs. Goodbye, house. Goodbye, life...

Still no sign of Michael! Maybe he's over at Stinky Cheeseboy's again.

No, I tried there. Perhaps Jason caught him on the way home. We should have got him a mobile phone.

That's buying him off! Not Jason - Michael! I was trying to lighten up things.

Where could he be? It worked

He could be lying in a ditch somewhere, clothes torn, covered in lukewarm dessert topping!

I don't think so. You're so blase!

Hey, Mum. Michael! You're all right?

Yes. But Jason... There won't be any more from him. What did you do?

Stand up to bullies and they soon back down. You stood up to him?!

Well...sort of. I stood up and Janey let him have it.

You used violence?

No, I used the language of flowers

Oh, my God! My daughter, the thug. Did anyone see you?

No. Good girl.

Why am I the only one to see the down side to all this? Because you're Dad, Dad.

What'll happen to Mikey when Xena, Warrior Princess isn't around any more? That's sorted.

Jason knows the whole school will find out he was beaten up by a girl.

So what's the catch? No catch. I was just helping out my little brother.

Plus I was really grateful when you let me get a tattoo. We didn't! Yes, you did.

OH! It's...lovely. Is it a caterpillar?

Mum! It's a scorpion!

It's a sweet little scorpion. Look, Ben - it's smiling. I can't believe you!

Game, set and match!

Oh, you're good. Thank you, dear. And I was so scary!

I'm getting a feel for e-commerce.

That's because you're an ee-jit.

I tried to think of something people really, really need.

Nobody ever knows what the time is.

So they visit my website and I tell them.

It's called on-the-dot.com.

Why don't they look on their computer screen?

Eh?

There's a clock in the corner of the screen.

Oh, yeah.

Cool!

So, Son, have you learned anything from all this?

There's something you can take away that'll help throughout life.

Want to hear it? Not really.

None of it gets any better, but the more it happens, the less it hurts.

Thanks, Dad. That's all right, Son.

That's all right. What?!