Original subtitles

Janey, what have I told you about painting your nails at the table? I wasn't listening.

My football boots! Where were they when you last had them? On my feet.

So wise so young, they say, do not live long. What? I'm not your slave.

NICK! BREAKFAST!

Congratulations. You've woken up every Nick in the world. Except one.

Purple!

Nice. Gives you that fingers slammed in the car door look.

Mazda or BMW? Off!

Hi, Nick. Uh...hi, Janey.

Dad. No. What? I'm anticipating your next question. It begins with "Can I have...?"

Wrong. It begins with "Can you lend...?" They both end with NO!

I want to borrow your new laptop. You got my old one. Doesn't work. You're compatible, then!

Why do you give me broken things? Cos YOU break them. I didn't break it. It just got a little damp.

Portable does not mean submergible. It didn't say that!

You didn't read the instructions. Didn't wanna get them wet!

I think I'll quit while I'm ahead. Shall I book the restaurant for after the film? We've got plans?

I left a note on the fridge and I wrote it in lipstick on the mirror.

I need more than hints. Hope my next husband has your sense of humour!

Mr Unsworth broke a tooth. He's coming in after work. Why don't we go out tomorrow night? All right.

Excuse me?

All right.

Stop laying the guilt trip on me! If I let Unsworth down again, he'll go somewhere else.

All I said was "all right." There you go again. You can't stop it. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

You must be really upset. I am NOT upset.

Football boots! Take some responsibility!

Why are you angry with him and not me? Because with HIM, there's still a point. Oh, right!

Good. Good luck, Michael!

Mum, you're too good for him.

I know. ..You STILL can't borrow the laptop.

Et tu, Mum! Why don't you borrow Michael's? Cos it's sort of personal.

Not chatting up girls on the internet again?! You've done this before?

Yeah!

Talia, her name was. A 19-year-old cellist from Prague. We had a deep e-relationship going.

Talia turned out to be a 48-year-old gasfitter called Stewart from Sunderland.

All right, so he was a man.

It meant a lot to me while it lasted.

You know when parents say they'll love you no matter what? They're lying.

It's not a good idea. You might end up with a stalker.

I'm getting one just thinking about it.

Say I DID meet the right girl. We might get married, her dad might offer me a job in the family firm...

I'd have to move out. The laptop's in the desk!

No school today? No. I've got the dentist.

What? What do you mean?

Hang on! I'M the dentist. I can't remember booking you in.

I booked her into another dentist. WHAT? You keep fobbing her off. I do NOT keep fobbing her off!

I fobbed her forward. If we wait on you, she'll be able to take her teeth out and post them to you!

Susan, PAYING patients come first.

Right. Your family always comes second.

Against TV, golf and football, that's not bad! Where did you find this dentist?

Yellow Pages. I see! They don't take anyone in Yellow Pages

Calm down. One dentist is much the same as another. THEY ARE NOT!

You're right.

Some don't think an effective painkiller is shouting "Shut up!" It IS effective. Makes me feel better!

Another dentist. Have you ever heard anything so disloyal?

I think it's a disgrace. Thank you. No. It's a disgrace that you can't make any time for your children.

It's like the story of the cobbler's children who had no food. They had no SHOES.

That makes no sense. Their dad was a cobbler.

Let me tell you the story of the dental assistant who had no job. How does it go?

The problem with chatting to a girl on the internet is that they miss the full Nick Harper Experience.

The piercing blue eyes, easy smile... The smell.

Yeah. All the intangibles. It's tricky.

It impresses a girl when a boy takes an interest in her clothes. Thanks!

Why not ask her what colour her knickers are? ..I think my teeth look wonderful.

They're yellow. They're not! No. Isabelle's knickers.

She told you?! What a slag.

Yeah!

Are you sure it's not just Stewart from Sunderland? No.

Isabelle's French, she's a swimwear model and her father owns a major electronics business.

Know the phrase, "Pull the other one"?

You think she's got a sister?!

Hello.

Hello.

What is that?

It's a rabbit. I can see that.

But WHAT is it? Well, I wanted a rabbit, so I bought a rabbit. But you didn't ask our permission.

Well, I'm rebelling.

A rebel with a rabbit!

You said, "take responsibility." I said your father looked good in a tank top!

This is a symbol of my independence. Good.

Take it back to the shop. I'll never believe anything you say again.

I'll become aimless and my school work will suffer. Another Nick!

Welcome to your new home!

Just keep it away from the food.

Yeah. We don't want to kill it on its first day!

Stop admiring your teeth! Mel says you've got to love yourself before others can love you.

Well, keep trying!

What IS this? Toad-in-the-hole. But we don't have sausages.

So it's just hole?

It's not JUST hole. It's French.

It's "toad en vacance"!

Hello.

Nice to meet you. My name is Susan Harper

and these are your children. All right, I'm late! But it's the only time some people can come in.

Don't ask me what sort of day I've had..OK. I'll tell you.

In a word, bloody awful. That's TWO words.

Well, I've got another two words for you.

Do I get dinner? That's four words.

It's in the kitchen. In the kitchen! Any specific location On the counter.

I think it needs to go in for a bit longer.

Janey, what are you doing? Mel says water should be savoured like wine.

Who is this Mel? How come she's the font of wisdom?

Mel is a HE. Oh, a he! A HE!

Bring your new friend for tea. If he's anything like the last one, he can bring his probation officer!

It's not like that! It's Mel Frazer, my dentist.

Oh, yes. Mr Dial-A-Dentist.

Mr Fillings-In-A-Jiffy-And-A-Free Travel-Clock-On-Your-Third-Visit!

Dad, he's cool. He's got an earring. Marvellous qualifications

In dentistry, that's like an OBE

And he's from Australia. Australian! That completely revises my opinion! How could I have been so blinkered?

You're just jealous. Jealous? Why?!

Because you see dentistry as a dark wasteland,

whereas Mel sees dentistry as a calling, filled with hope.

He's obviously doing it wrong!

Let it go!

I can't.

What exactly is it that's bothering you? She's MY little girl. Wasn't it yesterday...

she was that airheaded shopping machine from hell?

I can't help being multilayered!

You're overreacting. She's had crushes before. This is a dentist!

It's still a schoolgirl crush. Yes.

But who knows where it could lead? Oh, Ben! She's brushing so hard, she could damage her epithelial cuff.

Are you sure? I'm a professional!

Why don't you talk to her? Sit her down, father to daughter,

and explain how you feel.

You're right. I'm overreacting.

Things will look different in the morning. Usually worse!

Goodnight.

You know, I read somewhere that the older you get, the less sleep you need.

Really? What are you supposed to do with all that extra time?

I've got a few ideas.

Well, I'm always open to ideas. That's not true. But I won't argue.

Oh, my God! What's wrong? That molar. Upper right 5.

What about it? You've had it repaired.

Have I?!

The tongue never lies, Susan.

Let me have a look.

Give me a look. No! Open up! What do you think I am? A horse?

I don't believe it!

That is NOT my handiwork!

Oh, my God! Oh, my GOD! Anything but that!

You've been seeing another dentist!

Of course I have! You wouldn't do anything about it!

I was busy! I have needs, Ben!

I turn my back for one moment... and you sneak off to see someone else!

Oh, come on, Ben.

It was ONE time. Yeah, yeah.

This is where it starts, isn't it?

It didn't mean anything.

It didn't mean anything?

What was he like?

Excuse me? Was he good?

He was all right.

Better than me?

Different.

Different? Was it his technique?

Or his equipment?

Well...

..he did take a lot more time.

We ARE still talking dentistry?

Of course we are! Oh, Susan! How could you?!

My own wife and Surfing Mel! Where are you going?

I can't look at you at the moment.

You can see why I'm so hurt, can't you?

Sure, I'm a husband and a father, but, above all, I'm a dentist.

A family dentist.

That's what I do.

That's what I am.

And if my family can't respect me as a husband or a father,

then surely they can respect me as a family dentist, otherwise what's the point of me?

Mmm?

No point!

Hey!

Fancy another?

Come on! Let your fur down.

Yeah?

You know... we're quite alike, me and you.

Yeah.

I mean...

we're different backgrounds...

but me, a professional man with a family, and you, a bunny rabbit

with long, floppy ears...

..but we're quite alike.

You know why?

Because we both live in cages.

That's right.

Except you can't see the bars in mine.

Oh, yes. I think I've had enough.

It's funny, Hannibal's looking really tired this morning.

Like someone kept him up all night.

Really? How strange.

Has that rabbit been in its cage all morning?

They're just raisins. Oh, yeah?

I think.

Morning, Mike. Morning, Dad.

Just been chatting to Isabelle. We've got so much in common.

You both stand up to pee!

Look, Dad, she is NOT a man. Mm-hm.

Look. She e-mailed me this photo.

Morning!

Who's that? Isabelle. Looks nothing like a gasfitter.

No, Dad. Isabelle. French. Fabulous. Female.

Fraud.

Last month's copy of Vogue...

your picture of Isabelle... Notice any resemblance? So?

She's a model who appears in Vogue.

The word "trust" doesn't appear in their vocabulary.

Michael, put that rabbit away. You look like a Bond villain.

Notice anything strange about that rabbit?

Yes. It's been here for two days and hasn't asked me for money yet.

No. He looks at me funny.

You should be used to that by now.

I think he's evil. Your father's not evil. Bit pig-headed, perhaps...

Janey, you're seeing Mel tomorrow? Yep.

I never thought I'd enjoy going to the dentist! Mel makes my gums feel so alive!

Janey's turning into Julie Andrews!

Nick, you wouldn't be so disloyal as to see another dentist? Absolutely not.

I'd never visit a dentist. Course. What about you, Michael?

Mel DOES have a website. I see

Surfing Mel, dentist for the techno-age with his surfboard

Oh, God! They're only raisins. No. My filling's fallen out.

Oh?

Which one? The new one.

Oh!

Could you have a look? I COULD, but I'm not your dentist any more.

This is no time to behave like... well, like you always do. Surfing Mel can fix it!

I don't believe this! Where are you going? To Surfing Mel!

Shouldn't you be making an appointment? Don't worry. Mel's always got time for ME! Oh!

Is that defecating rodent still here?

All right! I was going anyway!

You knew. Was it a secret?

My wife is seeing another dentist behind my back!

How did you find out? I heard it through the hygienists' grapevine.

They've got a grapevine? I don't just clean teeth! Must be embarrassing to be the last to know!

Tell me one thing he's got that I haven't.

Charm, good looks, politeness... ONE thing!

Hey, shouldn't you be in bed?

Shouldn't you be in gainful employment? Get out! You want to borrow the laptop.

YOU'RE borrowing the laptop. It's MY laptop. Just a sec...

I'm chatting to Isabelle. Don't you think this will end in humiliation? I don't know.

You haven't told me what you're up to. Not me! YOUR doomed relationship with Isa...bloke!

Bet you 50 quid she's the girl from the magazine. Nick, you haven't GOT 50 quid.

I will when I win the bet. How can you prove it? Cos she's coming over. What? Just telling her where I live.

Are you insane?! You do not put my address on the internet! I like to live dangerously. Out the way!

I'd better get back to bed before your mother misses me. Plenty of time, then! Shift your cyber-arse!

Let me get on-line. You're already on. Yeah? What are you looking for? I do NOT need your help, OK?

BLEEP! ..Think I might need your help.

So...how...eh...?

I'm looking for Surfing Mel's website.

That's a really good idea. ..What for? Professional reasons.

How do you find a website? Click on the search button and type in a key word. What's a key word?

It's a word to do with the subject you're searching for. OK. "Oral."

That might list him... Eh... I don't think... Oh, look at this!

33,000 matches!

Let's try "oral contacts" - that might list him.

I think...it's not... Shut up! I'm getting the hang of this!

Good Lord!

Good going!

That can't be Surfing Mel. You'd better hope it's not!

Someone you know?

Is this how you spend your time?

It's... It's... It's what? Father and son bonding.

Oh, no! Those definitely weren't two men.

It's not what you think. Pathetic! But Nick has the excuse of being emotionally retarded.

Cheers, Mum!

Yeah, well... I expect you two want to be alone.

It's all HIS fault! It's a mistake.

I was looking for Mel's website to see what I was up against.

I thought the point of explaining a mistake was to make it look better!

Explain one or two things to ME! Like what?

Like how you forgot to tell me about your dentist! I'm not having an affair with him!

He's Australian! They'll have anything in a dress!

"Anything in a dress."

Perhaps if you came in again... I'm "anything in a dress." You'll forget I said that.

"Anything in a dress." Didn't think so!

I don't know which is more insulting, that you think I'm "anything in a dress"

or that I'd be stupid enough to fall for another dentist! I'm THE dentist!

If you'd come to me, none of this would have happened! That's you all over! It is never, EVER your fault!

You know whose fault it is? Whose? That bloody rabbit! Since it came, there's been nothing but trouble!

You can see why I'm hurt, can't you?

I'm a high-powered career woman... AND a gourmet cook.

And above all, I'm a realist.

And realistically speaking, he's a pig-headed...pig. I know what you'll say.

"That sounds judgemental."

But God gave me good judgement!

Mum? Oh, hello, Michael.

Are you and Dad getting divorced?

What on earth gave you THAT idea?

I heard you arguing last night... and the night before.

All parents argue! Why?

Well, it's a way of finding out how your father and I both feel.

It makes things easier.

Easier? Well, easier for me to prove your father wrong.

So it's not serious? No.

But you WERE talking to a rabbit.

It can help to talk things over with a disinterested party. Like when Neil's parents went to a counsellor?

Yes. Exactly. Neil's parents got divorced.

We're not getting a divorce. His mum got the children. We're DEFINITELY not getting divorced.

Neil says it's great. Every time he sees his dad, he gets taken to Alton Towers. BEN!

Your father's going to explain what's been happening. You'll only interrupt.

I only interrupt when you digress. YOU digress. I build a framework. Framework? It's a bloody scaffold!

Call me when you're ready. Sit down.

Ben.

All right, Michael,

the thing is, your mother has been very silly.

She's been seeing another dentist. Your father isn't seeing anyone else's point of view.

Your mother thinks she's always right, but she's always wrong.

How would HE know? He spends all his time with his patients and lets us go to pot!

Your mother thinks that money grows on trees.

New handbags sprout little legs and walk to your house!

Your father, although a dentist, believes that children's teeth are repaired by the tooth fairy!

Your mother knows she'll never find a bigger sucker!

And your father knows he'll never find anyone else who'll have him. So we're not getting divorced!

Thanks, Mum. Thanks, Dad. I'll sleep easy tonight.

Janey's back early from the dentist. He's probably got a drive-thru.

"One crown... French fries with that?" Hello, Janey. How was your McCheck-up?

McShite.

What happened? The man's a git!

Don't talk about your mother's boyfriend like that! What happened?

I was sitting in the chair and he...

We were just talking. He seemed so nice... I can't even think about it.

Janey...?

You can tell us.

He started telling me a story. What KIND of story?

The story about the kitten who didn't floss!

The kitten who didn't floss? Yeah. It ended up with lots of cavities. It's a good story.

It's a children's story! Mel thinks I'm a child. He's just like YOU!

What do you mean, he's like me?

Janey, these things happen. But remember, we'll always be here for you. Won't we, Ben? Eh...yeah.

It's a bit inconvenient, but I can fit you in 3 o'clock, Monday.

You see? He DOES care. Lucky me!

DOORBELL

Hello. Yes? Nicky...

Nicky? Yes. Nicky...?

NICK. Hang on. Come in. ..NICK!

Someone to see you.

Are you Isabelle? Yes.

Nicky has talked about me? Endlessly! Mum!

Dad! Look, this is Isabelle.

Nice to meet you. ..Ben, close your mouth.

Hello. Enchante.

Sunderland's on the up and up! Pleased to meet you.

Hello.

Hello.

We meet at last.

Eh...I have come to see Nicky.

Yep. I'm Nicky.

You...? I don't look exactly like my picture...

SHE RANTS IN FRENCH

So that was...?

..my internet girlfriend. Gorgeous!

You pretended to be a really fit guy!

Well, not exactly. You didn't! ..You DID! You pretended to be a woman!

And it nearly worked! It didn't! There was no way it was gonna work!

It was worth the risk. You loser! Me? YOU owe ME 50 quid!

Cash, mate. No cheques.

Our son has come out - as a lesbian!

But that won't change the way we feel about him. Nothing could ever change THAT!