Original subtitles

(male singer) * THE HOUR IS EARLY *

* THE WHOLE WORLD IS QUIET *

* A BEAUTIFUL MORNING'S ABOUT TO IGNITE *

* I'M READY FOR DANGER... * *

LOOKS LIKE HE JACKKNIFED BACK THERE

WHERE THOSE SKID MARKS ARE.

OH, JEEZ.

GUYS, JUST GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

RIGHT AWAY.

WHAT DID THEY DO, DEMOTE YOU?

GOT YOU WORKING TRAFFIC FATALITIES NOW?

THAT'S IT, RUB IT IN.

WE GOT A TIP THIS GUY'S CARRYING STOLEN STEREO EQUIPMENT.

SOME JERK IN BUNCO CALLS IN SICK,

AND YOURS TRULY GETS VOLUNTEERED.

THEY THINK JUST 'CAUSE I'M GOOD-NATURED

THEY CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.

THAT'S YOUR FIRST MISTAKE.

YOU'VE GOT TO CULTIVATE THE MORE SURLY ASPECTS

OF YOUR PERSONALITY.

SPEND THE AFTERNOON

DIGGIN' AROUND THE BACK OF SOME SMELLY TRUCK.

FILLIN' OUT THREE HOURS OF PAPERWORK--THIS JUST SUCKS.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

NOW YOU'RE GETTIN' THE HANG OF IT.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK OUT.

I'M SERIOUS.

IT'S HUMILIATING.

I'M A HOMICIDE DETECTIVE, DAMN IT.

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK

FOR A NICE, LITTLE, NOT-TOO-HARD-TO-SOLVE

INTERESTING--[grunts]

HOMICIDE?

I THINK I'M REALLY STARTING TO LIKE THIS NEW YOU.

DON'T YOU HAVE A DEAD GUY TO TEND TO?

AND PASS UP A CHANCE TO SCORE A FREE CD PLAYER?

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

[sniffing] WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING IN THE WORLD

THAT SMELLS LIKE THAT.

ONE NICE LITTLE HOMICIDE, COMIN' RIGHT UP.

[suspenseful rock music]

* *

(Nigel) PRETTY GIRL.

IT'S A SHAME.

YEAH, SHE SEEMS SO INNOCENT.

THE TRUCK LEFT LAS VEGAS FOUR DAYS AGO,

PICKED UP A LOAD IN L.A.,

DROPPED OFF A PIANO IN BOULDER, COLORADO,

AND WAS ON ITS WAY TO PORTLAND, MAINE.

I'M PLACING TIME OF DEATH BETWEEN 72 AND 96 HOURS AGO.

THAT PUTS HER SOMEWHERE BETWEEN CALIFORNIA

AND NEVADA, UTAH MAYBE.

THE BOX DID NOT HAVE

THE COMPANY'S INVENTORY NUMBER ON IT,

SO THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT GOT IN THE TRUCK.

THEY THINK SOMEBODY GOT ON THE TRUCK AT A TRUCK STOP.

COULD HAVE BEEN ANYWHERE-- DO WE HAVE A CAUSE OF DEATH YET?

BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

IT DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE ANYTHING MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

NO OTHER CLUES ON THE BODY?

(Nigel) COME NOW, WOODY.

NEED YOU ASK?

NIGEL'S ALL EXCITED ABOUT THIS WHITE, PASTY SUBSTANCE

HE FOUND UNDER HER NAILS.

WELL, IT TAKES SO LITTLE TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

MY GUESS IS, IT'S DRUGS,

WHICH IS WHY I'M RUNNING A COMPUTER-GENERATED

ENZYME AMINO ACID TEST.

YEAH, SURE, WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT?

WE'RE SCREENING FOR COCAINE, HEROIN, PCP--

[beeping]

beep beep beep

THEY'RE ALL NEGATIVE.

GUYS, COME TAKE A LOOK AT THE COLOR OF HER EYES.

THEY'RE BLUE.

ACTUALLY...

NO.

COLOR CONTACTS. STILL DOESN'T GIVE US ANYTHING.

AU CONTRAIRE, MON FRERE.

ALL CONTACT LENSES HAVE A MANUFACTURER'S BIN NUMBER

ENCODED ON THE RIM.

WE FIND OUT WHERE THEY WERE PURCHASED,

WE MIGHT GET AN IDENTITY.

HOW DOES HE KNOW ALL THESE THINGS?

OURS IS NOT TO WONDER WHY.

EXCUSE ME.

SIR, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BACK HERE.

IT'S EMPLOYEES ONLY.

I NEED TO GET IN THERE.

YOU HAVE TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE AT THE FRONT DESK.

LOOK, I KNOW MY RIGHTS, MAN--

G-G-GARRET?

GARRET, IS THAT YOU?

DO I KNOW YOU?

UH, IT'S PETER.

PETER NASH.

WE WERE IN THE HEMINGWAY CLUB TOGETHER AT NORTHEASTERN?

OF COURSE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, NIGEL. I GOT IT.

GOD, IT'S--IT'S GREAT TO SEE YA, GARRET.

HOW YA BEEN?

I'VE BEEN FINE.

SO, UH...

WHAT BRINGS YA HERE?

UM, NOTHIN', I'M JUST, YOU KNOW,

LOOKIN' FOR MY WIFE.

IN THE CRYPT?

WELL, THAT'S WHERE YOU PUT THE DEAD PEOPLE, RIGHT?

[sighs]

YOU COULD DO WITH A LITTLE MORE LIPSTICK, DEAR.

MOM!

MAYBE A HINT OF PINK TO GO WITH THAT BLOUSE.

OH!

HELLO!

UM, WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, WELL, I'VE COME TO VISIT.

THAT'S GREAT.

SO...

UM...

HOW LONG ARE YOU STAYING?

AS LONG AS YOU'LL HAVE ME.

HAH!

I'M MOVING IN WITH YOU.

THE CONTACTS WERE PURCHASED FROM AN OPTOMETRIST

ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE TAKIN' A LITTLE TRIP TO L.A.

SHOULDN'T WE LET THE FBI HANDLE IT?

I'LL CALL, BUT THE BODY WAS FOUND HERE IN BOSTON,

SO JURISDICTION STAYS LOCAL.

IN OTHER WORDS, IT IS STILL MY CASE.

GIVE ME A COUPLE HOURS TO GET A FEW THINGS TOGETHER.

WHY? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO L.A. WITH YOU.

NO, YOU ARE NOT. YES, I AM.

ARE NOT. AM TOO.

YOU ARE NOT GOING, JORDAN.

LAST TIME WE WERE IN L.A. TOGETHER,

I HAD TO KILL A MAN, REMEMBER?

I'LL SEND YOU A POSTCARD.

YEAH--BUT--

DID YOU WANT SOMETHING, LILY?

UH, THAT WOMAN STANDING THERE IN MY OFFICE...

IT'S MY MOTHER.

SHE'S COME TO BOSTON TO MOVE IN WITH ME.

OH, AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT, RIGHT?

NO! OF COURSE NOT!

I MEAN, I LOVE THIS WOMAN, BUT SHE IS A VAMPIRE.

SHE'S GONNA SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME!

SO I TOLD HER THAT SHE COULDN'T STAY.

YEAH, WELL, GOOD FOR YOU! GOOD FOR YOU.

PARENTS NEED THEIR BOUNDARIES TOO.

I KIND OF TOLD HER I HAVE A FIANCE,

AND HE'S MOVING IN WITH ME.

FORGET IT, LILY. I CAN'T DO IT.

OH, COME ON, IT'S NOT A TOTAL LIE.

WE ALMOST GOT MARRIED ONCE, SORT OF.

YEAH, AND THAT WAS A NEAR-DISASTER.

(Bug) I'LL DO IT.

OH, BUG.

I COULDN'T ASK YOU TO.

WHY NOT?

YOU KNOW...

OH! I'M OVER THAT, LILY.

NO, IF YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, I'LL HELP YOU OUT.

IT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR.

NO, THAT'S NOT MY GLADYS.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED, PETER?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, REALLY.

I-I WORK AT HOME. I'M A WRITER.

REALLY?

SURE, I SOMETIMES DON'T COME OUT OF MY ROOM

FOR 10, 12 HOURS AT A TIME.

WHEN GLADYS COMES HOME FROM WORK,

WE EAT DINNER TOGETHER,

THEN SHE WATCHES THE ANIMAL CHANNEL

WHILE I GO BACK TO WORK.

I GOT UP YESTERDAY, SHE WAS GONE.

WHAT DID THE POLICE SAY?

I FILED A MISSING PERSONS REPORT,

BUT THEY THINK THAT MAYBE SHE'LL TURN UP.

THEY'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

YEAH, MAYBE.

DR. MACY. YOU KNOW--

I ALWAYS THOUGHT, OUT OF ALL OF US,

YOU'D BE THE ONE.

WHICH ONE WOULD THAT BE?

YOU WERE THE TALENTED ONE.

THE COOL ONE.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT YOU'D BE THE ONE

TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE AROUND THE WORLD.

WRITE THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL.

WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW,

I STILL MIGHT HAVE IT IN ME.

I JUST NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YA IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YA?

NIGEL, DO ME A FAVOR.

CALL BOSTON PD AND SEE IF A PETER NASH HAS FILED

A MISSING PERSONS REPORT IN THE LAST FEW DAYS.

PETER NASH--OH, RIGHT, IT'S THE WEIRD GUY

WITH THE BOWLING BAG, RIGHT?

THAT'S THE GUY, YEAH.

GOT A FEELING I'M NOT GETTING THE WHOLE STORY.

SO YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS?

NOT REALLY.

WE TOOK A COUPLE OF CREATIVE WRITING CLASSES TOGETHER

IN COLLEGE, BUT ALL I REALLY REMEMBER ABOUT HIM

IS HE WASN'T VERY TALENTED.

BUT FOR SOME REASON, HE HERO-WORSHIPPED ME.

WELL, DON'T WE ALL.

I'LL GET ON IT.

THANKS.

I HATE YOU, JORDAN.

YOU ONLY THINK YOU DO.

AND YOU HATE ME TOO.

YOU'RE HERE TO WREAK SOME KIND OF TERRIBLE HAVOC ON MY LIFE.

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE MOST

SICK AND TWISTED PART OF THE WHOLE THING IS,

IS THAT I'M ACTUALLY GONNA LET YOU DO IT.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING MY OWN TRAIN WRECK.

GET A GRIP, WOODY. I'M HERE.

GET USED TO IT.

I SWEAR, JORDAN, I WILL HANDCUFF YOU TO A FIRE HYDRANT

AND LET YOU LIE IN THE SUN AND DIE LIKE A DOG

IF YOU SO MUCH AS--

SO WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT?

HOW DID YOU PULL THIS OFF?

I HAD ABOUT FIVE YEARS OF VACATION DAYS SAVED UP.

YOU COULD BE STUCK WITH ME FOR A MONTH.

I'M IN HELL.

THIS IS OFFICIALLY HELL.

DID YOU I.D. THE GIRL OR NOT?

HER NAME IS SHIRLEY McGINTY.

SHE PURCHASED THE CONTACTS TWO MONTHS AGO.

THE ADDRESS ON THE CHECK IS AN APARTMENT ON IVAR.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD! I'LL FOLLOW YOU, THEN.

UM...I DON'T HAVE A CAR.

HOP IN.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, IT'S TAKING A LOT LONGER

TO GET AROUND IN THIS TOWN ON A BUS THAN I EXPECTED.

DAMN, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS THING?

SWEET, HUH?

1959, THE CADILLAC OF CADILLACS.

GOT A GREAT DEAL ON IT AT THE RENT-A-CAR PLACE.

I'M SURE YOU DID.

WHERE'D YOU GO, RENT-A-PIMPMOBILE?

IT PROBABLY LEAKS OIL LIKE A SIEVE.

[engine growling]

SOMEONE NAMED KRYSTIN WATKINS LIVES HERE NOW.

GUESS SHIRLEY McGINTY MOVED OUT.

THEN WHY IS THERE A PHOTO OF SHIRLEY ON THE TABLE IN THERE?

(man on TV) SCREEN TEST FOR KRYSTIN WATKINS.

TAKE THREE.

[Russian accent] WILLIAM, PLEASE, I WAS JUST AFRAID

THAT IF YOU FOUND OUT WHO I REALLY WAS,

THAT YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE WANTED ME.

IT'S ALL BEEN A LIE, EVERYTHING.

MY NAME, MY BACKGROUND, MY ACCENT.

[normal voice] I JUST WANTED YOU TO THINK THAT I WAS SOMEONE DIFFERENT.

SOMEONE BETTER.

BUT THE FACT IS,

I CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM WHO I AM ANYMORE.

(man) ON YOUR KNEES.

BOTH OF YOU, NOW.

I SAID, ON YOUR KNEES.

HOLD ON. WE WERE JUST LOOKING AROUND.

YOU SLEEPING WITH HER?

WHAT? NO! I'M A COP. BOSTON PD.

YOU BETTER TELL ME WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

I'M JUST GOING FOR MY BADGE.

WE'RE INVESTIGATING A HOMICIDE.

SHE'S DEAD?

YES.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M HER HUSBAND.

SHE DIDN'T RETURN MY CALLS.

SHE ALWAYS RETURNED MY CALLS.

YOU TWO DIDN'T LIVE TOGETHER?

DO I LOOK LIKE I LIVE HERE?

STUCK BACK IN SAN QUIVERA.

WHERE'S THAT?

OUT IN THE MOJAVE DESERT, WHERE SHIRLEY AND ME GREW UP.

KRYSTIN WATKINS IS A FAKE NAME?

THEY SPENT $30 MILLION ON THAT MOVIE,

BUT THEY COULDN'T CHANGE WHO SHE REALLY WAS.

$30 MILLION?

WHAT MOVIE?

DO I GOTTA TELL YOU GUYS EVERYTHING?

HERMOVIE.

tap-tap tap

THERE'S NO RECORD OF A PETER NASH

EVER FILING A MISSING PERSONS REPORT.

I GUESS I'M NOT SURPRISED.

THE WHOLE THING SEEMED PRETTY FUNKY TO ME.

YEAH, IT JUST BEGS THE QUESTION,

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO HIS WIFE?

YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ASK

WHAT WAS IN THE BOWLING BAG, DID YA?

NO.

I'M JUST SAYING,

IT HAD A DISTINCTLY DISMEMBERED-HEAD SHAPE TO IT.

WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.

CAME TO SEE IF SHE SHOWED UP.

NOTHING YET.

WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME

ABOUT FILING A MISSING PERSONS REPORT?

I-I KNOW HOW THESE THINGS WORK, GARRET.

I READ A LOT OF CRIME NOVELS.

THE FIRST PERSON THEY SUSPECT IS THE HUSBAND.

WHAT'S IN THE BAG, PETER?

IN HERE? YEAH, IN THERE.

EVERYTHING.

MY ONE TRUE ACCOMPLISHMENT.

CAN YOU BE A BIT MORE SPECIFIC?

GO AHEAD.

OPEN IT.

SEE FOR YOURSELF.

MY NOVEL.

I WROTE IT.

I SUFFERED FOR MY ART, GARRET,

JUST LIKE WE USED TO TALK ABOUT.

IT TOOK ME 20 YEARS.

I SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR IT.

I'D BE HONORED IF YOU'D BE THE FIRST ONE TO READ IT.

WE WERE ALL SHOCKED WHEN WE GOT THE CALL.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS TO HER?

WE WERE HOPING MAYBE YOU COULD HELP US.

KRYSTIN HAD ONLY EIGHT SCENES IN THIS FILM.

BUT SHE POPPED.

STOLE THE PICTURE.

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN AMERICA'S SWEETHEART.

A HUGE STAR.

GIVE US A MINUTE, WILL YOU, GUYS?

FOUR DAYS AGO, I RECEIVED AN ANONYMOUS PACKAGE

WITH THIS IN IT.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND... THIS IS A FAMILY PICTURE.

WE OPEN IN TEN DAYS,

AND WE'RE EXPECTING 30 MILLION THE FIRST WEEKEND.

THAT'S WHY THIS NEVER COULD SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.

[man laughing, moaning]

WOW.

LOOK AT AMERICA'S SWEETHEART GO.

AN HOUR LATER, I GET A PHONE CALL.

SOME CREEP DEMANDS 500 GRAND,

OR HE'S GONNA PLASTER THIS ALL OVER THE INTERNET.

DID I SUSPECT SHE WASN'T WHO SHE SAID SHE WAS?

OF COURSE.

THIS IS AN INDUSTRY WHERE REINVENTION IS NOT ONLY COMMON,

IT'S OFTEN NECESSARY.

WHAT DID YOU DO AFTER YOU GOT THE CALL?

I CONFRONTED KRYSTIN.

SHE WOULDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

SHE SAID SHE WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT HERSELF.

I SAID ABSOLUTELY NOT.

SHE STORMED OUT OF HERE IN TEARS.

AND THEN YOU CALLED THE POLICE.

OH, I COULDN'T RISK THAT.

I CALLED A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR

WHO DEALS WITH CELEBRITY SECURITY.

THE LAST I HEARD FROM HIM WAS TWO DAYS AGO,

SOMEWHERE IN THE MOJAVE DESERT.

(Jordan) WE SHOULD'VE GOTTEN TO THE SHORTCUT BY NOW.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT HERE SOMEWHERE,

BUT IT DOESN'T LOOK RIGHT.

DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A DOTTED LINE TO YOU?

COME ON, JORDAN. YOU GOTTA SLOW DOWN!

I AM SO NOT SPEEDING.

OH, THERE IT IS.

JORDAN, I AM TELLING YOU.

YOU CANNOT BE GOING THIS FAST IN THIS CAR

WHEN IT'S 100 DEGREES OUT.

[tires skidding]

I GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.

THE CADILLAC OF CADILLACS.

GREAT.

WELL, AT LEAST WE'LL DIE IN STYLE.

beep

IT'S ONLY ABOUT TEN MILES BACK

TO THE HIGHWAY FROM HERE.

YOU WANNA WALK TEN MILES IN THIS HEAT?

YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA?

YEAH, WE SIT TIGHT AND WAIT FOR HELP.

THAT DOESN'T LOOK TOO PROMISING.

YEAH, BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A ROAD.

THIS IS A DOTTED LINE.

FINE!

FINE.

I JUST WANT TO STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT

IF I GET DESPERATE ENOUGH I HAVE NO ETHICAL ISSUES

EATING HUMAN FLESH.

I JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

(Lily) MY MOTHER COULD BARELY TAKE CARE OF HERSELF,

LET ALONE MY BROTHER AND ME.

THE ONLY THING SHE WAS GOOD AT

WAS ATTRACTING MEN.

SO I HAD A LOT OF UNCLES GROWING UP.

THEY NEVER STUCK AROUND TOO LONG.

YOU KNOW, IN SOME COUNTRIES,

PARENTS OFTEN LIVE WITH THEIR CHILDREN

THEIR WHOLE LIVES.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?

SORRY.

SHE'S GONNA DO WHATEVER SHE CAN

DRIVE A WEDGE BETWEEN US.

SHE'D TELL THE BOYS I DATED

I SLEPT WITH THE ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? JUST TO SCARE THEM OFF.

THIS IS WHAT I'M DEALING WITH HERE.

SO WE GOTTA STICK TO OUR STORY.

OKAY, BUT-BUT WHAT EXACTLY IS OUR STORY?

HI, DEAR.

MOM.

YOU'RE EARLY.

WELL, THIS MUST BE HIM.

UH, MOM, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FIANCE.

CALL ME BUG.

WELL, YOU ARE SHORT.

OH, THANK YOU.

SO, LILY TELLS ME YOU MAKE A LIVING

PLAYING WITH INSECTS.

NOT MUCH MONEY IN THAT, I IMAGINE.

NO, NO, NOT AS MUCH AS I LIKE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WITH LILY'S NEW RAISE,

WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH FOR A DOWN PAYMENT ON A CONDO

IN A YEAR AND A HALF.

WORD OF ADVICE.

DON'T LET LILY HANDLE THE FINANCES.

DID SHE EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME

THAT SHE GAVE AWAY

HER ENTIRE SUMMER'S PAYCHECK TO A HOMELESS SHELTER.

YOU KNOW, HER SENSE OF CHARITY WAS ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS

THAT ATTRACTED ME TO HER.

SHE'S CHARITABLE ALL RIGHT.

SHE USED TO GIVE IT UP PRETTY GOOD

AFTER THE FRIDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL GAMES,

DIDN'T YOU, SWEETHEART.

HUH.

WELL, WE'VE ALL HAD OUR WILD DAYS.

ACTUALLY, SHE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE...

WITH THE WEIGHT PROBLEM AND ALL.

[laughs]

THEN, YOU KNOW, I GUESS THERE WILL JUST BE

THAT MUCH MORE OF HER TO LOVE.

LET'S DRINK TO THAT.

(female singer) * TOMORROW NIGHT *

* WILL YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID TONIGHT *

* TOMORROW NIGHT *

* WHEN ALL THE THRILLS ARE GONE... * *

YOU GOTTA ADMIRE HER, YOU KNOW.

TOTALLY REINVENTING HERSELF.

I COULD NEVER DO THAT.

PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME.

YEAH, WELL, NOT ME.

I AM WHO I AM.

I'M TALKING ABOUT CHANGING YOUR BASIC SITUATION.

YOU KNOW, LEAVING SOME PLACE

WHERE PEOPLE ONLY THINK OF YOU IN A CERTAIN WAY.

I'VE RUN AWAY PLENTY OF TIMES.

I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM MY PAST.

WHEN I FIRST GOT TO BOSTON,

I ONLY HAD $1,200 IN MY POCKET.

NOW, I COULD'VE GOTTEN A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT.

I GOT A STUDIO, 'CAUSE I WANTED TO SAVE A LITTLE MONEY

TO GET A NEW SUIT.

SEE, IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME

THAT I LOOK A CERTAIN WAY, THAT I PORTRAY A CERTAIN IMAGE,

'CAUSE I CERTAINLY DID NOT WANT PEOPLE IN BOSTON

THINKING OF ME AS THAT CHUBBY LITTLE KID FROM QUWANNEE

WHO STAMMERS AND WHOSE PROM DATES STOOD HIM UP.

I'M SORRY, WOODY.

FOR WHAT?

FOR NOT KNOWING YOU BETTER.

WELL, IT'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT

WHEN YOUR LIFE PHILOSOPHY IS "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL."

I COULD TRY A LITTLE HARDER.

ASK MORE QUESTIONS.

OR JUST...

* YOUR LIPS ARE SO TENDER... * *

[car horn beeping]

'59 CADILLAC, HUH?

NOT EXACTLY AN EFFICIENT VEHICLE

FOR DESERT MANEUVERS.

I TRIED TO TELL HER THAT.

WE'RE TRYING TO GET TO SAN QUIVERA.

INTERESTING YOU TAKE THIS ROAD.

NOBODY TAKES THIS ROAD.

WHAT'D I TELL YOU?

IS A SERVICE STATION AROUND HERE THAT YOU COULD TAKE US TO?

SIX MILES UP.

BUT I ONLY GOT ROOM FOR ONE OF YOU.

HOW 'BOUT I, UH...

GIVE THE LITTLE LADY A LIFT.

HOW 'BOUT NOT. I SAW THAT MOVIE.

THE LADY GETS IN THE TRUCK. I NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

I'LL GO WITH YOU.

FAIR ENOUGH.

HOP IN.

[engine starts]

I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

YOU COME 43,000 LIGHT YEARS.

IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.

YEAH.

L.A.'S PRETTY FAR.

SO WHAT IS IT?

RECONNAISSANCE MISSION,

SPECIMEN COLLECTION,

GEOLOGICAL SURVEY, WHAT?

WE'RE ACTUALLY JUST HERE ON BUSINESS.

DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

THE CADILLAC. THAT'S WHAT GAVE IT AWAY.

SEE, YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD JUST BLEND RIGHT IN,

BUT, SEE, THE TV SIGNALS

YOU GUYS ARE PICKING UP ARE FROM THE '50s.

WE GOT FUEL INJECTION NOW.

TEN-DISC CD CHANGERS IN THE BACK.

2.4% APR LEASE PROGRAMS.

YOU DIDN'T COUNT ON THAT, DID YA?

I'M SORRY.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU THINK YOU CAN COME TO OUR PLANET

AND SUCK THE BILE OUT OF MY LIVER?

DID YOU JUST SAY "SUCK THE BILE"--

YOU ARE IN MY FORCE FIELD NOW, SUCKER.

TIN FOIL.

SAY WHAT?

TIN FOIL.

GOOD OLD AMERICAN KNOW-HOW.

I GOT THE BUG SPRAY TOO.

YOU CAN JUST TAKE THAT AND STICK IT UP YOUR ALIEN ASS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST PULL THE TRUCK OVER.

PULL THE TRUCK OVER. I AM GETTING OUT.

I SAID PULL THE--

[spraying]

DAMN ALIEN COCKROACH.

AAH!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, R2D2?

HURTS, DOESN'T IT?

NO, DOESN'T HURT. BUT IT'S PISSING ME OFF!

WHEN DOES THE INVASION FORCE LAND?

OW! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHERE AM I?

YOU'RE IN HELL, BOY.

AND THAT FEMALE WITH YOU.

IS SHE A DRONE OR AN EGG LAYER? WHAT?

AAH! STOP DOING THAT! I'M A COP, ALL RIGHT?

GO LOOK AT MY BADGE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

OH, NICE TRY.

BOSTON, RIGHT?

B-O-S-T-O-N?

THEY DON'T HAVE SPELLCHECKERS ON YOUR PISSANT PLANET?

AAH, OKAY. OKAY, OKAY.

YOU GOT ME. I'M AN ALIEN.

YOU ARE?

YES.

I'M A KLINGON.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? THIS IS SOME KIND OF JOKE?

I'M SORRY. DID I SAY KLINGON?

I MEANT TO SAY--

YOU JUST KEEP TALKING, SPOCK.

[laughs]

LOOKS LIKE YOUR LITTLE LIFESAVER

IS BROKEN THERE, YODA. GIMME OUTTA THIS THING!

[buzzing]

YODA.

YODA THIS.

[buzzing] AAH!

WE TAKE THOSE "LAST CHANCE" GAS SIGNS

PRETTY SERIOUSLY AROUND HERE.

ACTUALLY, I THINK IT'S THE RADIATOR.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE A LONG WAY FROM HOME.

I'M A MEDICAL EXAMINER.

I'M HERE TO INVESTIGATE A HOMICIDE.

SHIRLEY McGINTY.

YEAH, HOW'D YOU KNOW?

I KNOW EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.

I SPOKE TO HER HUSBAND ON THE PHONE LAST NIGHT.

YOU THE ONES FROM BOSTON?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY SAID THERE WAS TWO OF YOU.

WELL, DETECTIVE HOYT

WENT OUT LOOKIN' FOR HELP.

HE WAS PICKED UP LAST NIGHT BY SOME GUY IN A PICK-UP.

HE SHOULD'VE BEEN BACK BY NOW.

KIND OF BEAT-UP? FULL OF CRAP IN THE BACK?

YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.

YOU BETTER COME WITH ME, MISS.

I THINK YOUR FRIEND MAY BE IN A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE.

[knocking on door]

YOU OKAY, DR. M.?

I KEEP AN OLD ROYAL MANUAL TYPEWRITER

RIGHT HERE IN THIS DRAWER.

IT'S THE SAME KIND HEMINGWAY USED.

I'VE HAD AN IDEA FOR A NOVEL FOR 20 YEARS.

I'VE NEVER WRITTEN A WORD OF IT.

PETER NASH, HE WENT AHEAD AND DID IT.

HE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR IT.

AH, YOU READ THE BOOK.

YEAH.

IT WAS GOOD, WASN'T IT?

IT WAS TERRIBLE.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

THE BOOK'S ABOUT A MAN WHO KILLS HIS WIFE.

CHOPS HER UP AND STICKS HER IN HIS FREEZER

NEXT TO THE TV DINNERS.

THE HE BECOMES DELUSIONAL.

RACKED WITH GUILT

AND COMES TO THE MORGUE LOOKING FOR HER, ALL RIGHT?

IF THAT'S NOT WEIRD ENOUGH,

THE MAN IN THE BOOK HAS WRITTEN ALL OF THIS INTO A NOVEL.

GIVES IT TO THE M.E., HIS OLD COLLEGE FRIEND TO READ.

OKAY, NOW YOU'RE FREAKIN' ME OUT.

EXPECTING ME TO LIVE OUT EVERY SCENE,

INCLUDING THIS ONE RIGHT NOW.

SO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

I DON'T KNOW.

FINAL CHAPTER WAS MISSING.

IT ENDS WITH THE M.E. READING THE BOOK

MINUS THE FINAL CHAPTER.

HE'S JUST TELLING HIS COLLEAGUE ABOUT IT,

JUST LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW,

WHEN THE PHONE RINGS,

INVITING HIM TO THE MAN'S HOUSE TO DISCUSS THE BOOK.

[phone ringing]

NO.

HEY, PSS, COME HERE.

UNDO ME.

WOODY.

AH-HA.

(Woody) HEY.

FEMALE. HEY, HEY.

BOB, THAT'S ENOUGH.

YOU ALL RIGHT? I'M NOT ALL RIGHT.

THIS LUNATIC KIDNAPPED ME AND TORTURED ME.

THIS ONE'S A SNEAKY ONE, SHERIFF.

HE TRIED TO FOOL ME THIS TIME.

THEN IT'S PROBABLY A GOOD THING FOR YOU WE SHOWED UP.

GO AHEAD, BOB. TELL THE MAN YOU'RE SORRY.

SORRY? I WANT THIS GUY ARRESTED.

I COULD DO THAT. HE'D BE OUT IN TWO HOURS.

HIS UNCLE'S THE JUDGE.

I'M REAL SORRY THAT I TORTURED YOU.

NO HARD FEELINGS?

(Sheriff) SHIRLEY, YEAH, SHE'S A REAL NICE GIRL.

THERE WAS A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR OUT HERE

ASKING AROUND ABOUT HER IN THE LAST COUPLE DAYS.

DID HE TALK TO YOU?

I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYBODY.

FUNNY, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

HE WOULD'VE CONTACTED THE LOCAL AUTHORITIES.

THIS IS A SMALL PLACE.

ANYBODY OUT HERE SNOOPING AROUND,

I'D A-HEARD ABOUT IT.

YOUR BEST BET'S TO TALK TO LOUANNE.

THAT'S SHIRLEY'S SISTER.

SHE STILL LIVES WITH HER DADDY OUTSIDE OF TOWN.

I THINK THEY PROBABLY HEARD THE NEWS BY NOW.

(Woody) HI.

[chickens clucking]

HOW ARE YOU?

LOUANNE McGINTY?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

DETECTIVE HOYT.

BOSTON PD.

JORDAN CAVANAUGH, I'M WITH THE MASSACHUSETTS

MEDICAL EXAMINERS OFFICE.

WE'D LIKE TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS

ABOUT YOUR SISTER SHIRLEY.

SHE'S DEAD.

YES, WE WERE HOPING THAT YOU COULD HELP US WITH THAT.

I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'.

WAS SHE HERE THIS WEEK?

SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO COME AROUND HERE.

(Jordan) HAS ANYBODY BEEN AROUND

ASKING ABOUT HER... PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR?

DID SHE EVER TALK TO YOU ABOUT A FILM SHE MADE?

A PORNOGRAPHIC FILM?

NO.

(Louanne) WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME.

PEOPLE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT GETTING OUT,

GOING TO THE CITY.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THAT'S WHAT KILLED HER.

SHE WOULDA STAYED HERE,

SHE'D STILL BE ALIVE.

IF YOU'D EXCUSE US,

WE'RE GRIEVING.

I'M NOT GOING TO BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.

MA'AM?

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE MAN ENOUGH

TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER.

OH, AND WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE MORE IN LOVE WITH HER

THAN SHE IS WITH YOU?

LET ME JUST TELL YOU ABOUT THE LEBOWSKI WOMEN.

WE'RE MAN-EATERS.

LILY WILL CHEW YOU UP

AND SPIT YOU OUT.

SO IF I WERE YOU,

I WOULD JUST WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW.

ARE YOU DONE?

PRETTY MUCH, YEAH.

OKAY.

THEN LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I KNOW

ABOUT THE LEBOWSKI WOMEN.

ONE OF THEM IS ONE OF THE KINDEST,

MOST COMPASSIONATE WOMAN I'VE EVER KNOWN.

AND THE OTHER IS A PATHETIC CIPHER,

A BLACK WIDOW WHO WANTS NOTHING MORE

THAN TO KEEP HER DAUGHTER FROM FINDING HAPPINESS ON HER OWN.

AND SINCE WE'RE TELLING THE TRUTH HERE,

I'M NOT EVEN HER FIANCE, I'M JUST A FRIEND.

SHE MADE THE WHOLE THING UP

TO KEEP YOU FROM WEASELING YOU WAY INTO HER LIFE.

SO IF YOU HAVE ANY LOVE AT ALL FOR LILY,

YOU'LL BE THE ONE THAT WALKS AWAY, NOT ME.

(Woody) I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M HAVIN' THE TIME OF MY LIFE.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN TWO DAYS,

NOT INCLUDING THAT BUG-SPRAY NAP THAT I TOOK,

STRANDED IN THE DESERT,

KIDNAPPED BY A FREAK,

ELECTROCUTED BY THAT FREAK--

C'MON, C'MON.

IT HASN'T BEEN ALL BAD, HAS IT?

ALL RIGHT, JUST FOR THE RECORD,

I DID NOT MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

HEY, NOBODY'S ACCUSING YOU OF ANYTHING.

GOOD, 'CAUSE I JUST WANNA GET ALL OF OUR CARDS ON THE TABLE.

WHY? IT WAS JUST A KISS.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

FINE, THEN.

WE'LL JUST PRETEND LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.

BUT IT DID.

YOU BETTER MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

HI, COLE.

WE GOT A PROBLEM HERE?

WY WIFE'S DEAD.

AND YOU COME HERE DRAGGIN' HER NAME THROUGH THE MUD,

YEAH, WE GOT A PROBLEM.

I THINK IT'S TIME YOU TWO GO BACK TO BOSTON.

WE'RE INVESTIGATING A HOMICIDE,

SO WE'LL GO BACK WHEN WE'RE READY TO GO BACK.

I THINK WE'LL HAVE TO DO THIS THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY, HUH?

COLE, WE'RE NOT LOOKIN' FOR A FIGHT.

GET HIM!

[gunshot]

GO ON!

GET OUTTA HERE.

I CHECKED OUT YOUR STORY

WITH MY SUPERIORS AT HQ.

YOU'RE ON THE LEVEL.

MOST OF YOUR FOLKS AROUND HERE

HAVE NO IDEA WE CAN COEXIST WITH YOUR SPECIES.

THEY THINK YOU'RE ALL LIKE THAT MUTANT,

WAS IN HERE EARLIER LAST WEEK.

(Jordan) THIS MUTANT,

WAS HE PRETENDING TO BE A PRIVATE EYE?

HAD THE FAKE I.D. AND EVERYTHING.

YOU SAW HIM?

DROVE BY MY PLACE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY.

PROBLEM IS,

THAT ROAD ENDS ABOUT SIX MILES DOWN.

HE NEVER CAME BACK.

(Woody) WELL, I GUESS WE FOUND HIM.

LOOKS LIKE HE HAD COMPANY.

THIS MAN DIDN'T DIE IN THE FIRE, HE'S BEEN SHOT.

BACK OF THE HEAD, NEVER SAW IT COMIN'.

YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO SEE ANYONE ELSE COME DOWN HERE WITH HIM,

DID YOU?

YOU MEAN BESIDES THE SHERIFF?

[doorbell chimes]

GARRET, GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

NO.

NOT YET.

WELL, HOW MYSTERIOUS.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?

(Macy) GLASS OF WATER.

SO, UH, I HAVE TO ADMIT I-I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

WHY IS THAT?

YOU COME OVER HERE TO DISCUSS WHAT I'VE DONE.

YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

YOU SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS I DID

TRYIN' TO PULL OFF SOMETHING BIG LIKE THIS, WELL...

YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS.

THERE'S ICE IN THE FREEZER IF YOU WANT.

YOU CAN OPEN THE ENVELOPE NOW.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S THE ENDING OF YOUR BOOK.

"AS THE MAN STOOD THERE READING THE FINAL PARAGRAPH,

"HE COULDN'T HELP BUT FEEL RELIEF THAT THE GAME WAS OVER.

"WHILE HE ASSUMED THAT HE COULD FOOL HIS OLD HERO,

"HE WAS, IN FACT, NO MATCH FOR THE CHIEF M.E.

"AND IN THE END IT REQUIRED A MERE PHONE CALL

"TO DISMANTLE THE ENTIRE CHARADE.

"THE MAN'S WIFE WAS, AS IT TURNED OUT,

"ALIVE AND WELL, LIVING WITH HER NEW HUSBAND--

"AND FOUR-YEAR-OLD SON IN A SUBURB OF DES MOINES.

"SHE HAD NEVER LOOKED BACK AFTER WALKING AWAY

"FROM HER FAILED MARRIAGE.

"HAVING BEEN SO NEGLECTED BY HIS OBSESSION,

"HIS PASSION, HIS ONLY TRUE LOVE,

"A NOVEL, WHICH, IN THE END,

WOULD NEVER BE MORE THAN MEDIOCRE."

TURN IT OVER.

THERE'S MORE.

"THE CHIEF M.E. TURNED AND WALKED TOWARDS THE DOOR,

"STOPPED AND LOOKED BACK,

"PERHAPS FEELING A TINGE OF JEALOUSY.

"FOR THE MAN HAD, IN THE END, FOLLOWED HIS BLISS.

"SOMETHING THAT HE HIMSELF WAS NOT BRAVE ENOUGH TO DO.

FOR THIS HE WAS, IN NO SMALL PART, GRATEFUL."

DON'T ASK ME TO APOLOGIZE.

IT'S NOT IN MY REPERTOIRE.

I CAN'T LET YOU HURT ME ANYMORE, MOM.

I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS.

YOU USED TO HAVE NIGHTMARES WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE.

I COULD ALWAYS TELL BECAUSE YOU TALKED IN YOUR SLEEP.

CLOSE AS I COULD TELL YOU WERE ALWAYS RUNNING FROM SOMETHING.

OR SOMEONE.

BUT YOU'D ALWAYS WAKE UP IN THE MORNING HAPPY AS A CLAM.

YOU DIDN'T NEED ME AT ALL.

COME TO THINK OF IT...

YOU NEVER HAVE.

I'M--I'M GONNA GO TO FLORIDA.

I'M GONNA STAY WITH YOUR AUNT EDNA FOR A WHILE.

OH.

LISTEN, ABOUT YOU AND BUG--

OH, I SHOULD EXPLAIN ABOUT--

NO--

THERE ARE TWO THINGS I KNOW A LOT ABOUT IN LIFE.

ONE IS MEN...

(together) AND THE OTHER IS MEN.

YOU HAVE YOURSELF A GOOD ONE, LILY.

HE LOVES YOU.

AND THAT'S NO SMALL THING.

BYE.

BYE.

DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO CALL FOR SOME KIND OF BACKUP?

WE'RE IN PODUNK, JORDAN.

I AM THE BACKUP.

STAY HERE.

AND EXACTLY WHAT IN OUR PASTS

WOULD GIVE YOU ANY INDICATION THAT I WOULD DO THAT?

[knocking on door]

SHERIFF.

SHERIFF?

ANYBODY HOME?

WHADDA YOU SAY YOU JUST DROP THAT WEAPON.

I SEE YOU GOT YOURSELF A NICE LITTLE HOBBY.

A LITTLE SIDE BUSINESS.

DAY JOB DOESN'T PAY ALL THAT WELL.

YEAH, I GUESS A HALF-MILLION EXTRA WOULD COME IN HANDY.

NEVER WOULDA MISSED IT.

THAT'S THE PART I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THE STUDIO HADN'T PAID THE BLACKMAIL YET,

WHY'D YOU KILL SHIRLEY?

SHE WAS YOUR MEAL TICKET.

I DIDN'T.

YOU LOST ME.

clang!

I TOLD YOU TO WAIT IN THE CAR.

HE WAS JUST ABOUT TO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

THIS GUY'S GONNA BE OUT COLD FOR A WEEK.

NOW WE'RE NEVER GONNA KNOW WHO KILLED SHIRLEY.

[cell phone ringing]

CAVANAUGH.

(Nigel) Jordan,

I RAN A GAS CHROMATOGRAPH SCREEN ON IT.

NIGEL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THE CRAP UNDER HER FINGERNAILS.

IT TURNS OUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS--CRAP.

CHICKEN CRAP,

to be precise.

Does any of this help you?

WASN'T FAIR, WAS IT?

YOU COULDA BEEN THE ONE WHO GOT OUT,

DID SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE.

BUT IT WAS HER.

IT WAS ALWAYS HER.

YOU KILLED HER OUT OF JEALOUSY.

SHE LEFT.

MY MOM.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD NEWS, RIGHT?

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.

I GUESS.

THANK YOU FOR--

LETTING ME DRAG YOU THROUGH THIS MESS.

THOSE THINGS THAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT WERE, UM...

YOU WERE THE PERFECT FIANCE.

THAT WAS THE IDEA, WASN'T IT?

I KIND OF FEEL LIKE DANCING.

YOU FEEL LIKE DANCING?

[Paul McCartney] * GOIN' DOWN TO LONESOME TOWN *

* WHERE THE BROKEN HEARTS STAY *

* HEY, I'M GOIN' DOWN TO LONESOME TOWN *

* TO CRY MY TROUBLES, CRY MY TROUBLES AWAY *

* IN THE TOWN OF BROKEN DREAMS... *

WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT?

ME? NOTHIN'.

NOTHING?

YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT SHIRLEY McGINTY?

OF COURSE.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOU REALLY THINKING ABOUT?

IT WASN'T JUST A KISS, JORDAN.

OH, WOULD YOU GIVE IT UP?

OKAY, I SWEAR ON A STACK OF BIBLES

THAT I WILL NEVER COME ON TO YOU AGAIN.

TH-THAT'S NOT WHERE I'M GOIN' WITH THIS.

I'VE BEEN THINKIN' ABOUT IT.

OH, HAVE YOU NOW?

YES, AND...

I CAN'T THINK OF A SINGLE GOOD REASON

WHY WE SHOULD COMPLETELY RULE IT OUT.

REALLY?

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I CAN THINK OF PLENTY.

LIKE WHAT?

LOOK, I GUESS MY POINT IS--

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST PUT UP THE WALL RIGHT NOW,

BEFORE EITHER OF US GETS HURT.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.

THAT'S A GOOD REASON.

THAT'S A RATIONAL DECISION.

I CAN GET BEHIND THAT.

GOOD.

GOOD.

BUT LET'S JUST SAY...

THAT WERE OUR FINAL DECISION.

MAYBE IT'D BE A GOOD IDEA TO GET ONE FOR THE ROAD.

JUST SATIATE THE CURIOSITY.

PROBABLY SMART.

* GOIN' DOWN TO LONESOME TOWN *

* WHERE THE BROKEN HEARTS STAY *

* GOIN' DOWN TO LONESOME TOWN *

* TO CRY MY TROUBLES AWAY... * *