Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

♪ Going to King's Head Island 'cause we won a fancy award ♪

Hey, hey.

♪ Going to King's Head Island 'cause we won a fancy award ♪

-That's right. -♪ Going to where the rich people are ♪

♪ Gonna see if they're really better than us ♪

♪ And they might be, but we still won an award ♪

-Whoo! -Yeah.

You guys are fun on ferries.

Yeah, people are loving this energy.

Even though they're avoiding eye contact.

-And that one guy shaking his head. Hi. -I still can't believe it.

King's Head Lifestyles Magazine naming us Best Dive on the mainland?

-Isn't "dive" a bad thing? -Yeah, but they mean it affectionately.

Like if I say, "Dad, you big old stinky dive, I love ya!"

Sort of. I mean, it's pretty prestigious.

And it's great exposure for the restaurant.

But Dad, I don't get it. Didn't you say these awards were stupid?

When did I say that? These awards are stupid.

Who even judges this? The Supreme Food Court?

Stupid!

These stupid things are all about who you know.

Yeah, and you're a cool rebel with no friends.

Exactly, Gene.

It's funny. I don't feel those things at all now that we've won.

Plus, it means we get to go to this winner's reception

in a fancy sculpture garden event space,

and we're going to serve our sliders

and get even more exposure.

Dad's going to expose himself all over that sculpture garden.

[laughs] Gene, you rascal. Check out Jolly Bob.

He's so cute.

Yeah, like a happy, hairy, slobbery puppy.

Thank you. And we're gonna get a trophy.

-There's a trophy, too? -Yep.

I didn't really know how much I needed a trophy,

but maybe it's all I wanted in life?

It's sort of a weird orb kind of thing.

-Weird, but cool. -[grunts]

Speaking of weird orbs, Mom,

what's going on under your shirt there?

Ugh, this bra. It's the only clean one I had left,

but it digs into my back.

Been there, sister. Boobs, huh?

-Boobs! -Amen.

I'm going to tough it out for the reception

That's what we do, right? Us boob people.

May I never, ever be cursed with those things.

That's how I felt, Louise,

but then I got them, and it's not so bad.

Hi. Care for a slider? Schwing! Sorry. Not sure why I said schwing,

but when I gave it to you.

Uh, bye. Have fun out there.

I think this might be a good time to ask about the fudge.

-Agreed. -Let's fudgin' do this.

Um, mother, father, remember the fudge shop

-we passed coming over here? -Tell It To The Fudge?

-Yeah. -Well, we were thinking maybe

-after this is all over we could... -Go to the fudge shop?

-Sure. -Really? That was easy.

Yeah, we should ask for more stuff.

We want hair extensions. Lots of them. All over.

Whoa. Hey, Bob, look who it is.

Oh, my God. Is that Vincent?

Might-be-a-jewel-thief, Vincent?

[Gene] Everyone, protect your family jewels.

-Kids, shush. Hey, Vincent. -Bob.

-Linda. Kids. -[all] Hi.

I saw you made the Best Bites list this year.

-Well deserved. -I know.

I mean, um, thank you.

So what brings you here, Vincent?

I'm taking it in, looking for inspiration

for my restaurant, and eating a lot.

Mostly eating a lot.

-My man. -Is that all that's on the agenda today?

-Hmm? -Uh, yeah.

Just saying.

Any cool things here that somehow end up not here

after this is all over? Wink, wink.

Not sure what you mean. Besides, there's nothing on the property

worth more than a couple grand,

as anyone who's looked at the pictures on their website would know.

[exhales] Yeah, a couple grand's not worth it.

[grunting]

-You all right? -Uh, yeah, just stretching.

This is a restaurant stretch. You'll learn it.

-[grunts] Restaurant. -Okay.

-May I? -Uh, of course.

Mm.

I have missed your meat, Bob. I have missed your meat.

-That's nice, Vincent. -Aw.

All right. Mm. I'm gonna eat my way around the lawn.

-Sure you are. -I mean, I am.

-Whatever you say. -Look at that guy.

Wandering around, eating fun stuff.

Must be nice. But we have to work,

'cause we are children, and that's what children do.

You know what? Go ahead, kids.

Your mom and I can cover the table.

-Right, Lin? -Y-Yeah, sure.

Wow. We need to give this guy awards more often.

We can brainstorm some. World's loudest urinator.

-I'll keep thinking. -Nope, that works.

Huh. Miss Cake and Identity. This is a cake shop?

-Uh-huh. -So what's with the food that's not cake?

It's all cake. Doesn't look like cake, but it is cake.

-That's fun, I think. -As long as it tastes like cake.

It sort of does. It's like if icing

were chewy and not as good as icing.

That's the fondant. It's like a clay you can eat.

All clay is clay you can eat, pal.

Ugh, I've had it with this thing.

That's it. I'm doing it. I'm gonna do it, Bob!

-Um, do what? -I'm taking off my bra!

-Oh, I... okay. -Come on, cover me, cover me!

-Wait, how do I, um... -I know this is a fancy place

and I should secure the girls, but I can't wear it like this.

And... it's done. Much better.

How does it look? Is it obvious?

The shirt's pretty thick, maybe it'll be okay, right?

Come on, Bob, look at my boobs.

-Bob Belcher? -Ah!

Um, is this the best dive on the mainland?

Yes, it is. Best D on the M. Probably shouldn't have said that.

I'm Sabrina. I'm here to escort you to the winner's circle

-for your photo. -Oh, okay. Great.

-Follow me, please. -Coming.

Coming. Smooth walking. No parts are jiggling.

-What's that? -Nothing.

So, you work for the magazine? What do you do?

-I'm Margot's assistant. -Margot?

Polo! Hah! Sorry.

Margot Bushmiller, she's the magazine's publisher.

Sabrina! Did you fix the trophy table? It's wobbly.

I'll fix it. Sorry about the ground outside and how it's not flat.

-That's my bad. -Get it together, Sabrina!

-Yup. Anyway, here you go. -Wow, cool.

Whoa. Oh, God, sorry. It's heavy.

Ooh, can I hold this? Okay, Lin, just be super careful.

Okay, I will. Whoa!

I'm sure lots of people drop it like we just did.

-Not, no. -Oh.

-Ah! -They're doing great.

Well, they dropped all of us and we turned out all right, except for Tina.

-What? -Okay, do we have a firm grip on it?

-Yes. -Yes.

And look at Darren.

Ma'am, could you turn towards us?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Lin, what are you doing? -Shush, shush, shush, boobs.

Okay, that's, I, [sighs] what, just do it.

Okay, yay, congratulations, you did it.

-That's it? -That's it.

-Okay, uh, thanks. -Uh, uh, I need the trophy back.

Oh, don't-don't I get to keep it?

Yours will arrive in the mail in eight to ten weeks

after you pay the $200 manufacturing and engraving fee.

All the info is on the website.

The 200 dol... I just... I thought it was an award.

It is. It's an incredible honor for you to be awarded this award,

but awards are expensive.

Right, but I won it?

Yeah, you won the opportunity to pay for it.

[Margot] Sabrina, there's too much grass over here.

My fault. Coming, Margot.

Well, looks like Mom finally let the dogs off the leash.

-What? Shush. -Uh...

You okay, big fella?

They want us to pay $200 for the trophy.

Do they know our family is not good at paying for things?

Yeah, money doesn't come naturally to us.

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna pay for an award.

We closed the restaurant to do this.

We have to pay for all this food that we're giving away?

I... I'm not doing it.

I just want to finish the job and go home.

And in between those two things,

we get some fudge for our fudge holes?

-I don't know. We'll see. -We'll see as in, heck yeah?

Guys, enough about the fudge right now.

-Go. I love you, but scram. -Poor Dad.

Maybe we could help him raise the money somehow?

I have been meaning to sell my life rights to Oprah.

Hmm.

-Or we just take the trophy. -What?

-Well, Dad won it. It's his. -But stealing's wrong.

-Here we go. -And what if we get caught?

I mean, look, the trophy's right out in the open,

and there are rich people everywhere,

and I'm pretty sure they have special powers.

Like unearned confidence.

Plus, the trophy is like their display trophy.

The magazine people are going to notice if it's not displayed.

Tina, Tina, Tina, we're not going to get caught,

'cause we're going to have help from a professional.

Who?

-Vincent? -Mr. Sticky Fingers himself.

Especially after that corn. Jeez, is he mad at it?

What did that corn ever do to him?

So, we go over to the jewel thief.

-Alleged jewel thief. -Wait for him to swallow his mini quiche.

Alleged mini quiche.

Say, "Hey, we're stealing a thing. Want in?"

Then we all hop the bus to Heistville.

Can I pull the cord when it's our stop?

I enjoy that. But what if we get caught

and we go to Rich People Island jail?

Actually, that sounds pretty nice.

-But what if it isn't? -Tina, this is about justice.

Justice, Dad, and fudge.

Put it all together, you get Sweet Daddy Fudge-stice

-I just got chills. I'm in. -Okay, fine.

I like justice and fudge. And Dad. He's cool.

He's a total DILF. A dad I'd like to buy me fudge.

Vincent! Hello! Please, don't stop eating.

-Just listen. -Okay.

We're in the market for someone with your, um, expertise.

Mmm, what expertise would you be referring to?

You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about your special skills.

Skills? Are you talking about Catan?

-I'm pretty good at Catan. -Okay, nobody's good at Catan.

No, no, there's skill involved.

-It's the roll of the dice. -No, there's strategy.

No, you can strategize and then the dice is just landing on eight all the time

or whatnot.

Delineation of wheat, resources.

[sighs] Just whatever you want to tell yourself. Here's the thing.

As a restaurant owner, you will probably be quite disturbed to learn that

they are making everyone pay for their trophies.

-This is a racket. -What are they charging?

-Two hundo. -She means two Hondas.

Now that you mention it,

I paid for the VIP ticket, which I was led to believe

included access to the wine patio and a fun pin.

-Fun pin? Go on. -But then I get here...

And they tell me I have to pay an additional $40

for access to the wine patio.

And also, they're all out of the fun pins.

-Disgusting. -Man, that's cold.

Yeah, wow. Sounds like you're on board

to take down these rude foodies.

Here's our thinking. We liberate that display trophy.

Mmm, that one right there?

The one visible to pretty much everyone at the party?

-Yes. -Sorry, kids.

Even if I ever did do that kind of thing,

which I didn't. I don't do it now even more than I didn't do it then.

So my advice? Don't steal.

Just eat the food and stay in school.

-Can we do the drugs? -Nope.

-Bye. -Well, the good news is

now we're not going to steal anything, so that's a relief to all of us.

You know what? We don't need Vincent.

-We can swipe that trophy ourselves. -Crap.

Look at him tear apart that chicken satay.

I think he just ate the stick.

I can't believe we lugged all this stuff here.

So stupid. I hate this. I hate all these people.

Oh, except you, sir. Uh, enjoy.

Bobby, come on. This can still be good for us.

We can still get the word out about the restaurant.

Oh, here's some words. Scam.

-Rip-off. Idiot... heads. -Okay, well, I'm not saying your face is

scaring everyone away, but all of a sudden

we're getting fewer people coming over here.

So I'm gonna go pass out sliders.

-Wish us luck. -Us?

Me and my uptown girls. Well, now they're more midtown.

-Definitely not downtown. Not yet. -We all pretend this award

is such a big deal.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [exhales] Give me a break.

-What's that? -What?

-Are you talking to me? -I mean, I was talking to my wife,

-but I guess she left. -Okay.

But, yeah, these people here are unbelievable, right?

-Uh, uh-huh. -I mean, we're out here

making burgers and, uh, what is that? Sushi?

-Actually, it's cake. -Oh, that's cool, I guess.

-Thanks. -I mean,

I'm not sure why you would do that,

but anyway, this whole thing is total BS.

-Those are burgers? Oh. -Yeah.

I make food that looks like the food it is.

Oh.

[Louise] Okay. Sure, it's out in the open,

but no one's paying attention.

Like when Ken plays his theremin on the subway.

Okay, let's move. Oh, damn it.

We can deal with this. Tina, you and I will create a diversion.

Gene, when the assistant turns to look,

you just grab the trophy.

Why do I have to be the grabber?

Because the diversion needs to be good.

I can do a good diversion. I'll quote lines from Severance,

but I'll get them a little bit wrong.

-It'll be maddening. -Gene, no.

Let me and Tina do the diversion. You grab.

Fine.

[Louise] Ah! Oh, no!

Everyone look in this direction!

Any event organizers around?

My sister is allergic to soft cheeses!

These sun-dried tomato and brie puffs are gonna kill her!

Uh, oh. Uh, uh. Ah! Ah!

Uh...

Ah, damn these soft cheeses!

Why do they have to be so soft, huh?

Ah!

-What are you doing? -Uh...

-Uh-oh. -What's going on? What are you kids up to?

Uh...

Did I say allergic to soft cheese?

I meant soft tacos. Okay, she's fine. Bye.

Run away, run away, run, run, run!

-I've got my eyes on you punks. -[Gene] We're not punks.

We're cuties.

Hi. Hello. Care for a Bob's Burger slider?

-Oh, God. Can they all tell? -[woman] Those melons.

Huh?

-Oh, phew. -[man] Guess it's cold, huh?

[gasps] Gazpacho! It's just gazpacho.

[woman] One's definitely smaller than the other.

Oh! Dumplings! It's just dumplings!

But one is, you know. I'm looking at you, lefty.

Well, I think we learned a lot today.

About ourselves, about each other...

I learned I'm allergic to soft tacos.

-But I'm a survivor. -How'd it go?

-I mean... -I'm just asking to be polite.

I saw the whole thing. Just out of curiosity, what was your plan

once you took the trophy? Grab your whole family and run away?

-Maybe. Could have worked. -Louise, Mom's in no condition to run.

-It would be a bloodbath. -It's fine.

We'll just try a different plan.

I mean, the game has changed.

Now you're on that lady's radar.

You just made this ten times harder.

-Right. [sighs] -And ten times more interesting.

Interesting like you're in?

No, I'm just saying it's a more complex job now,

and it engages the imagination.

So it probably makes you have a lot of thoughts and ideas you want to share?

What? No, no, not at all. But here's how I see it.

Wide field, almost no cover, tight ticker once you pop the top,

and you poke the bear.

That mama bear is awake.

-I know all those words. -Don't worry about the words.

-Oh, thank God. -What's important is the concepts.

-Oh, crap. -You know,

there's a type of a job that I read about

in a book that kind of fits this situation.

To make it work, you need a rusty hook, a mechanic,

and an act of God.

You want to hear about this thing that I read about once in a book?

Can we listen at one and a half speed?

Gene, shush. Vincent, lay it on us.

It's just all one big money grab.

It's just so cynical, you know?

And isn't the world cynical enough already?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Sorry about him.

Hi. We're gonna need a few of these.

Each, we just love how much they don't look like cake.

-Or taste like cake. -Yeah, we're not mad at you about that.

-Okay. -Hi, Dad.

-Still grumpy? -He is. Very.

Well, you won't be soon. Because of us.

That's not usually how it works for me.

This time it might.

[Linda] Huh. No one seems to be noticing.

All these hoity-toities with their fancy food and wine,

and none of them have any idea where their samples came from.

A woman with no bra, a couple of wild things

riding without a seatbelt right next to their food.

[chuckles] Slider, ma'am?

That poor clueless sap. This is it, Linda.

This is what power feels like.

Okay, we're going to peel this fondant crap off

and we're going to mush it.

-Mush it real good. -More cushin' for the mushin'.

Oh, are we supposed to be mushing? I was mashing. My bad.

Of course it's like this. What was I expecting?

Ugh. You know what the worst part is?

-Uh, what? -How much I needed this.

What's wrong with me that makes me need this so much, you know?

-Uh-huh. -Why can't the food just be enough?

Why can't I just be enough?

Oh, are you trying to move your booth?

What? No, no, we're just, we're getting a little sun over here.

-Oh, because there's no sun. -I'll see you later.

Ugh, those kids.

Okay, up next is the advertiser's picture with Margot.

Heads up, one of the ad guys has a pretty asymmetrical eyebrow situation.

It's like one of them took all the nutrients in the womb.

Let's just do what we can with that.

-Ah! -Hey! Put that back!

[panting]

[screaming]

-Ah! -Give me that trophy! I will destroy you!

Why are you being so weird about this?

Ah!

You are the worst child in the history

of King's Head Lifestyle's Best Bites of the Bay Annual Bayside Bite-abrasion!

-Take that back! -No!

Okay, fine, I get it!

You just messed with the wrong magazine publisher's junior assistant, chump.

Who are your parents? Wait, are your parents important?

They're not, not, not important.

-What? Who are they? -Have you heard of Weezer?

-Yes. -I'm Augustus Weezer III!

-[Margot] Sabrina! -Hi, yes?

I'm here with the advertisers for the advertisers' photo,

so that's all going great, but there's just one thing.

-Where's the freakin' trophy? -I've got it, I'm coming!

I'll deal with you later, Augustus.

Okay, let's circle back.

And there's our trophy. Don't know why it was gone.

Not gonna deal with that right now.

Right now is about advertisements

and how important they are to the world.

[camera shutter clicks]

That's right. Stay over there. I wish I could beat up kids.

-I mean, I could. -Okay.

Thanks, folks. And a special thanks to all your money.

Sabrina.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[distorted voice]

[distorted] No!

[laughing]

[sighs] God, I wish I could fire you.

But you are my daughter.

Well, looks like the trophy fell into the sea.

Yeah, what a terrible accident.

You should be very proud of yourselves.

But maybe keep that tucked away till you make the dip, right?

-Right, right. -You were a great rusty hook.

You had to look like a thief who's bad at his job, and you did.

You need "bad at his job," you come to Gene.

That was smart. To make the assistant lady think she caught us doing

the thing while we were getting in position to actually do the thing.

Yeah, good job, mechanic, getting into place.

Thank you. I am small.

Then there was that super cool girl who used her sister's ears

to make it seem like we were all behind the sculpture when we weren't.

That worked very well.

What's my job called in cool thief talk?

-Uh, the hat master? -The hat master?

-Yeah, master of hats. -Noice.

The decoy trophy made of cake stuff?

-That was pretty good. -[Vincent] That was handy.

[Gene] I'm fond of fondant now. [chuckles]

And also, the act of God was really an act of this God

because I had to do the switch and wobble the table just so.

But, uh, yeah, sure, everyone helped.

Jeez, what a heistzilla.

Anyway, we should all be proud of ourselves.

Especially the guy who stepped in front of

the assistant lady at the perfect time to slow her down.

Who was that guy?

Oh, right, that was me.

And now they all think the trophy's gone

due to a crazy wobbly table and not due to three weird kids

-and one dapper gentleman. -Thank you.

Now, If you'll excuse me, I've been eating all day

and I have seven different kinds of diarrhea.

-There goes a class act. -[grunts]

[ship horn blares]

Thanks for letting us get fudge, even though those magazine people

really fudged you today, Dad.

-You're welcome. -You doing any better there, tiger?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I don't need a dumb trophy.

I don't need a piece of metal to tell me what I'm good at.

[Louise] Oh, then you won't need this.

Oh, my God. Gimme, gimme.

Kids, where'd you get that? Did you go into the ocean?

-Yeah. -Sort of.

We should give it back, probably,

after we put it behind the counter for a little bit.

-Maybe just until I die? -Enjoy it, Dad. You earned it.

-Yeah, for once! -Kids, thank you.

Even though what you did to get this was probably not safe or legal.

-All the nicest gestures are. -I don't know if that's true.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I got it. I got it.

I'm gonna hold it real good now.

You know what, Mom? You're right.

This thing does dig into your back.

Be free, little Belchers.

Bappity, bappity, bappity, bap.

Yeah!

-Bappity, bappity, bappity... -Bappity, bappity. Bap.

-[Tina] Oh, my face. -Oh, sorry, sorry.

♪ What's with these people dissin' my dad? ♪

♪ Making him pay for stuff ♪

♪ And then my mom is done with her bra ♪

♪ She said she's had enough ♪

♪ Whoo-whoo And we stole the trophy ♪

♪ Whoo-whoo Gave it to our daddy ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ I'm Augustus Weezer III Oh, oh, and you're not ♪