Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:06,074
One, two, three, four,
2
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,076
five, six, seven...
3
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:09,077
What are you doing?
4
00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:12,313
Masticating.
5
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:13,614
What?
6
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:16,050
Don't worry,
it doesn't mean what you think.
7
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:18,119
And what do you think I think?
8
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,054
You know...
9
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:23,091
Okay, I know what I know.
10
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,725
What do you know?
11
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:27,161
I know that you're supposed
to masticate your food
12
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:28,662
20 times before you swallow.
13
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:31,165
Yeah, but, uh,
what about the other thing?
14
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:33,467
What other thing?
15
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,237
The thing you thought
I was thinking.
16
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:39,240
I'm sorry, Dad. You lost me.
17
00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:41,809
Morning.
18
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:42,743
Oh, morning.
19
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,044
Isn't this
your day off?
20
00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:46,147
It is, but I need
to talk to Charlie.
21
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:47,014
Well, good luck.
22
00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:48,249
He got home an hour ago,
23
00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:49,983
had a bowl of chili,
threw up and went to bed.
24
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:54,422
He probably threw up 'cause
he didn't masticate enough.
25
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,726
Hey, pottymouth,
there's a lady present.
26
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,594
Berta, why don't you tell me
what you need,
27
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,396
and then you can go
enjoy your day off
28
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:05,199
by spreading sunshine
and cheer to others.
29
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,968
It's about the house.
I should wait for Charlie.
30
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,604
I live here, too.
What's the problem?
31
00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:12,406
I'll wait.
32
00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:15,476
Oh, for God's sake,
pretend I'm Charlie.
33
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:16,477
Talk to me.
34
00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:19,046
Okay.
35
00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:20,381
Hey, Charlie, I've
thought it over,
36
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,416
and if you want me
to kill your brother,
37
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,318
I'll need the
cash up front.
38
00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:28,222
Very amusing.
39
00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:31,359
Thanks. I've been
taking an improv class.
40
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,960
Okay, here's the deal.
41
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:35,563
I got five brothers
and sisters.
42
00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:37,765
I'm the middle child,
which probably explains
43
00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:40,468
why I'm such a people pleaser.
44
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:41,969
Uh-huh.
45
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:44,605
Anyhow, my brother Philip--
he's the second oldest--
46
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,607
he's in the roadside
fireworks business,
47
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:50,644
which is,
as you might expect, seasonal.
48
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,881
Now, this creates
a lot of economic uncertainty
49
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:54,948
which has strained
his marriage.
50
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:56,317
Perhaps not as much
51
00:01:56,384 --> 00:01:58,586
as him boinking
his wife's half-sister...
52
00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:01,289
...but it's a snowball effect.
53
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,658
Anyway, to make
a long story short...
54
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,160
Too late.
55
00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,428
Fair enough.
56
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:11,365
Berta: 1; Zippy: 1.
57
00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:13,267
Anyway, Philip can't live
at his house
58
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:16,804
because, technically,
it's a crime scene.
59
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,172
Which is why I wanted
to ask Charlie...
60
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:19,573
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
61
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,675
You, uh, you want your
brother to stay here?
62
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:22,776
Oh, don't be stupid.
63
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,313
He's staying at my place
trying to wean himself
64
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,315
off the meth and the codeine
and whatnot.
65
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:30,984
I want to stay here
for a couple of days.
66
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:33,153
Oh. Oh, um...
67
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:35,356
That's okay.
I'll ask Charlie.
68
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,891
No, you don't have
to ask Charlie.
69
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,893
You-you can ask me.
70
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,130
Fine.
71
00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:45,299
Oh, you'd like
an answer now.
72
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,000
That'd be swell.
73
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:50,704
Ah, ah, well, uh, uh, I-I
would have to say, um...
74
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,973
uh, after due
consideration
75
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,576
and, uh, and, uh, uh,
taking into account
76
00:02:55,643 --> 00:03:01,315
all the, uh, uh, factors
that are-are involved that...
77
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:04,718
It would be our
pleasure to have you.
78
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:07,255
Super. Do you mind
if I take your room?
79
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,423
M-M-My room? Gee, I-I...
80
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:13,927
Trust me. You want me to have
a room with a private crapper.
81
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,532
Okay. By all means.
82
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,834
Take my room.
I'll bunk with Jake.
83
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:21,835
Thanks.
84
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:24,238
What do you mean,
you'll bunk with Jake?
85
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:25,906
Is that a problem?
86
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,941
Yes. I need my privacy.
87
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:28,909
For what?
88
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:31,545
You know...
89
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:34,782
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
90
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:37,585
* Men.
91
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:53,534
Never again.
92
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:58,872
Never, ever, ever again.
93
00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,908
You gonna quit drinkin'?
94
00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:03,377
Don't be ridiculous.
95
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:06,514
I'm gonna quit wakin' up.
96
00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:08,916
What are you doing here?
97
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:09,683
Isn't this your day off?
98
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,685
It is, but your brother
invited me
99
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:14,688
to be your houseguest
for a couple of days.
100
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,226
Did he now?
101
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,561
Well, I was going to ask you,
102
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,930
but Alan said he could speak
for both of you.
103
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,165
Did he now?
104
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:26,500
You got a problem with that?
105
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,469
Don't be silly.
You're like family.
106
00:04:28,536 --> 00:04:31,739
Yeah, well, I've seen
how you treat family.
107
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,441
Hey, you're always
welcome here.
108
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,876
You don't even
have to ask.
109
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:37,945
Morning, Alan.
110
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,547
ALAN:
Hey, look who
finally...
111
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,014
( smacking sound )
ALAN:
Ow!
112
00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,384
Berta? Living here?
113
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:44,718
Are you insane?
114
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,354
She needed a place to stay
for a couple of days.
115
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:47,921
What would you have said?
116
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:50,658
I would have sat her down
and explained my sincere belief
117
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,527
that there are boundaries
between employer and employee
118
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:56,830
which exist specifically
to protect said employer
119
00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,832
from accidentally seeing
the employee
120
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:02,636
prancing around in her
big cotton granny-panties.
121
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,706
All right. Go tell her that.
122
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,642
Okay, I was bluffing.
123
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:11,244
Look, look,
it's just for a couple of days.
124
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,480
We can tough it out.
125
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:14,281
Yeah, but we wouldn't
have to tough it out
126
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:15,816
if you hadn't presumed
to invite someone
127
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,651
to stay at my house
without my permission.
128
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,487
Hey, hey, I live here, too.
129
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,155
So do termites!
130
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,558
They don't have
guest-inviting
privileges either.
131
00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:26,760
You're equating me
with termites?
132
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:30,030
Hell, no. You can
get rid of termites.
133
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,534
You know, if I thought
you meant that,
134
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,335
I would be really hurt.
135
00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,070
Too subtle?
136
00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:38,539
Okay, let me take
another tack.
137
00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:40,173
Alan, do you know why
I've never accepted
138
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,509
any money from you
to stay here?
139
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,877
Well, I assumed
you were being
compassionate
140
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,213
and generous
during a difficult
period in my life.
141
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,981
Oh...
( blows raspberry )
142
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,752
It's so you can be here
and Jake can be here,
143
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:54,655
but it remains my house,
not our house.
144
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:55,589
What's the difference?
145
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,758
In my house, what you think,
146
00:05:57,825 --> 00:06:01,462
what you want, what you say
doesn't mean squat.
147
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:05,165
It's just jibber-jabber.
148
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:08,101
So... so you're saying
I have no rights here?
149
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,970
I thought that
was understood.
150
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,239
I can't believe
we're even talking about it.
151
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:13,373
Incredible!
152
00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:14,908
I've been living
here for two years,
153
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,777
and you still consider
me a houseguest.
No.
154
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:20,481
My houseguests bring a bottle
of wine and have sex with me.
155
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,050
Oh, I'm sorry.
156
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:26,587
I'll go get some chardonnay
and assume the position.
157
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,091
Hey, don't be letting
your mouth write checks
158
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,494
your ass can't cash.
159
00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:39,900
( under breath ):
Pompous jerk.
160
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,603
I don't know how you
put up with that.
161
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,672
Y-Y-You heard?
162
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:45,906
Uh, we were whispering.
163
00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:49,777
Must be one of them
acoustical anomalies.
164
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:52,513
I just think it's criminal
the way Charlie treats you--
165
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:54,482
like some kind
of second-class citizen.
166
00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,216
Second-class?
167
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,051
I aspire to second-class.
168
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,888
You know what the pecking order
is in this house?
169
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:02,556
Charlie,
women Charlie sleeps with,
170
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:05,959
Charlie's bookie, women
Charlie hopes to sleep with,
171
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,962
termites, me.
172
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:10,964
Well, that's just not right.
173
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,733
Yeah, but what
am I supposed to do?
174
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,602
I-I-I can't really afford
my own place.
175
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:17,905
I mean, I could, but
it certainly wouldn't
be on the beach...
176
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,874
unless the beach
was Guadalcanal.
177
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:24,244
It's a shame, you paying
all that money for an ex-wife
178
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:25,445
and an ex-wife's house,
179
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,981
and you're not allowed
inside either one.
180
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,584
Exactly.
181
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:35,022
I'm a victim here.
182
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,357
Oh, yeah. You got "victim"
written all over you.
183
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:40,160
But does my brother
sympathize?
184
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:42,863
Do Catholic priests
make good baby-sitters?
185
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:48,268
Listen, you want rights
and privileges,
186
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,402
you got to demand them.
187
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,105
Stand up to Charlie.
Get in his face.
188
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,240
You know what?
189
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,241
You're right.
190
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,442
And starting now.
191
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:58,378
Go get him, tiger.
192
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,013
Come here, Charlie.
193
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:00,814
I want to...
194
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:03,016
( slap )
ALAN:
Ow!
195
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:06,554
* Men.
196
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:14,528
Oh, that is so wrong.
197
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:17,565
Hey.
198
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,567
Hey. You know, Charlie,
199
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,769
you've really got
a beautiful view here.
200
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,270
You're just noticing that?
201
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,873
Well, I spend most of my days
looking at dirty toilets
202
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:30,010
and those Rorschach tests
you call bedsheets.
203
00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:31,679
Oh. Well, it's nice
you're getting a chance
204
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,180
to stop and smell the roses.
205
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:36,416
Oh, don't get me started
on the smells around here.
206
00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:37,785
Hey, listen, Berta,
you know,
207
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,487
you know how I feel
about you, right?
208
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:41,855
No, tell me.
209
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:45,392
Oh, gee, I could never put it
into words.
210
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:49,730
Well... then show me.
211
00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,567
Relax, I'm just
screwin' with you.
212
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,502
( chuckling )
213
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:58,438
Good one.
214
00:08:58,505 --> 00:09:00,941
Anyway, uh...
215
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,510
I believe there are
certain boundaries
216
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:06,680
between an employer
and an employee...
217
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,348
which is why I think
it'd be best if you found...
218
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:10,584
Oh, I agree with you
about the boundaries...
219
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,120
...which is why I've
been keeping quiet
220
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,488
about the things
your brother says
behind your back.
221
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,857
What does he say?
222
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,659
Oh, I don't want
to cause problems.
223
00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,894
No, no, no, come on, tell me.
224
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:24,197
Well, let's just say that
he doesn't always appreciate
225
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,532
everything you do for him.
226
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,668
You know what the problem is?
227
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,336
I'm a soft touch.
228
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,170
You do have a big heart,
229
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,839
and there are
always people out there
230
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,674
who will take advantage of that.
231
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,677
You just wouldn't think
it'd be your own brother.
232
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:39,780
Yeah, that's the saddest part.
233
00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:41,314
But what can I do about it?
234
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:44,785
Respect's not freely given
in this life, Charlie.
235
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,453
You got to demand it.
236
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,722
You're right. It's time for me
to stand up for myself.
237
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,891
Good for you.
238
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,293
And while you're up,
239
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,696
would you get me one
of those little Japanese beers
240
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:56,830
you keep in the refrigerator?
241
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,999
Oh, sure. Be right back.
242
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,802
Thanks.
243
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:05,939
I'm a baaad pussycat.
244
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:07,908
* Men.
245
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:10,778
Did you know
246
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,145
your body doesn't digest corn?
247
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:16,684
It goes out the same way
it comes in.
248
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:19,920
It's like a little bookmark
in your poop.
249
00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:24,091
Did they teach you that
in school?
250
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,226
Nope. It's the powers
of observation.
251
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,895
ALAN:
Jake,
252
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,229
that's not dinner conversation.
253
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:30,297
You're right.
254
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:31,732
It's dinner cornversation.
255
00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:35,035
See what happens
when you don't hit your kids.
256
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:37,570
Hey, something smells good.
257
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,839
Meat loaf.
258
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:40,040
Great, I love
meat loaf.
259
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:41,341
Well, you should make some.
260
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,410
I'll give you the recipe.
261
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,813
You didn't make enough for me?
262
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:49,850
I'm not your chef.
263
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:56,023
Is that so?
264
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,327
How did you cook
the meat loaf?
265
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:02,595
In the oven.
Aha.
266
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,231
My oven.
267
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:05,098
What's your point?
268
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,099
My point?
269
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,002
Uh...
270
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,104
Oh, don't put me
in the middle.
271
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,305
I love you both.
272
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:17,077
My point is, I'm hungry,
and I want meat loaf.
273
00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:19,546
Yeah, well, I'm Alan,
and I want respect.
274
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:22,382
I think I got a better chance
at gettin' meat loaf.
275
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:23,450
You know what, Charlie?
276
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,752
I'm starting to feel like maybe
277
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,119
Jake and I have overstayed
our welcome.
278
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,255
No, not at all.
Jake's still welcome.
279
00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:29,356
You're the one
with the attitude.
280
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,924
My attitude?
281
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:33,126
I-I thought my attitude
didn't count for anything.
282
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,395
That it was just... jabberwocky.
283
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,664
Jibber-jabber, you moron.
284
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,432
Okay, okay, that settles it.
285
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:40,700
I think it's time we moved.
286
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:41,769
We?
287
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:42,535
Yeah, we.
288
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:44,905
But I'm still welcome.
289
00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:46,239
You'll go
where I go.
290
00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:48,108
Can we get a place
on the beach?
291
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:51,078
Sure, if you don't mind living
under a lifeguard stand.
292
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:53,280
Hey, we managed
to get by without your help
293
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,382
before we came here,
we'll do it again.
294
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:58,251
Why do you keep saying "we"?
295
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:00,687
You know what
your problem is?
296
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,823
You just don't appreciate
all the things I do for you.
297
00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,491
Yeah, well, I'm tired
of being treated
298
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,625
like a second-class citizen.
299
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,727
Fine. You want to leave, leave.
300
00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:12,332
Maybe I will.
301
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,567
Way to stand up
for yourself.
302
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:15,668
Thank you.
303
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,404
So, are we really out
of meat loaf,
304
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,040
or were you just saying that
to piss him off?
305
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,576
* Men.
306
00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:24,677
Oh, this looks interesting.
307
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,678
"Two-bedroom.
Needs work.
308
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,347
Up-and-coming neighborhood."
309
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,817
What-What does that mean, uh,
"Up-and-coming neighborhood?"
310
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,351
It means
the Realtor didn't think
311
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:34,521
he could move the house saying,
"Drug-ravaged battlefield."
312
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,323
Okay, we'll keep looking.
313
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:39,793
Alan, I don't mean to pry, but
after alimony and child support,
314
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:43,130
exactly how much
can you afford to spend?
315
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:55,608
Really?
316
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:56,776
Yes, really.
317
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:59,012
Sweetie, my shoes
cost more than this.
318
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,348
Well, Mom, you have
a lot of shoes.
319
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:03,650
The ones I'm wearing.
320
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:06,019
Alan, based on this amount,
you don't need a Realtor.
321
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,088
You need someone
who sells camping equipment.
322
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:11,058
Yeah, well, then
that's what I'll do.
323
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:15,762
All right, but may I propose
a simple alternative?
324
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,564
I'm not living
with you, Mom.
325
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,699
Okay.
326
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,801
Well, then I have
a final alternative.
327
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:22,970
And what would that be?
328
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,737
Run straight
to your brother's ass,
329
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,473
and kiss it repeatedly.
330
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:27,807
Forget it.
331
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:30,410
I-I can't stay here anymore.
332
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,812
Hey, Red, you want
to top this off for me?
333
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,714
Certainly.
334
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,049
May I get you
a short stack
335
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:38,618
and some pork links
while I'm at it?
336
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:39,853
Nah, I'm full.
337
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,089
But as long as we're discussing
dining choices,
338
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,224
why don't you bite me?
339
00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:47,794
Oh, goodie.
340
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,029
More loved ones.
341
00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:51,031
Good morning, Charlie.
342
00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:52,265
Let me guess.
343
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,901
Alan invited you to move in.
344
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,203
No. She's helping me move out.
345
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:58,872
This is a
sad day.
346
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,773
We're gonna miss you
around here, Alan.
347
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:01,708
Well, thank you, Berta.
348
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,977
Sad, sad, sad.
349
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:06,313
Don't you have anything
to say, Charlie?
350
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:08,581
Yeah.
351
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:12,619
Boo-hoo.
352
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,290
Okay, well,
enough of sentiment.
353
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,359
We should really get going.
354
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:22,795
Apartments in your price range
are a long drive from Malibu.
355
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:23,997
I know, Mom.
356
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,899
A long, long drive.
357
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,000
Got it.
358
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,069
Maybe you should try
to go pee-pee
359
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:29,903
before we get in the car.
360
00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:32,505
Okay!
361
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,507
Would you mind
looking after Jake?
362
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:38,111
If it'll help get you out
of here, I'll breast-feed him.
363
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:44,451
You know, with
Zippy out of here,
364
00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:47,187
you're gonna have
that nice guest room
just going to waste.
365
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:48,255
Yeah?
366
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:51,024
So, I was thinking,
how about if I become a live-in?
367
00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:54,727
A live-in what?
368
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:55,728
Housekeeper.
369
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,830
Easier for you, easier for me.
370
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,266
Everybody wins.
371
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,467
Gee, um...
372
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:03,036
Hold that thought.
My coffee just kicked in.
373
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:10,143
( knocking )
374
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,346
Hey, you want to go
down to the arcade and
play some air hockey?
375
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,181
No.
376
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,315
Want to go to a movie?
377
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,649
No.
378
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,385
Come on, I'll take you
to something R-rated.
379
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,553
See some boobs.
380
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:23,156
Just leave me alone.
381
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,557
Are you mad at me?
382
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,359
What was your first clue?
383
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:30,363
Well, frankly, your dismissive
attitude toward boobs.
384
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:34,501
Why are you making us move?
385
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,669
You're not moving.
386
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,338
Well, then why is Dad looking
387
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:39,672
for another place
for us to live?
388
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:42,709
Because he's trying
to teach me a lesson.
389
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,711
Why don't you tell him to stop?
390
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,180
Because I'm trying to
teach him a lesson.
391
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,549
What's your lesson?
392
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,552
That it's my house.
393
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,221
What's his lesson?
394
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:57,057
That he lives here, too.
395
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,426
Okay, I'm just a kid,
396
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:02,162
but that sounds stupid
even to me.
397
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:06,599
Well, be that as it may,
I give you my word,
398
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:09,502
I am not gonna let
you go anywhere.
399
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:10,537
Promise?
400
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,072
Promise.
401
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,944
Is the boob offer still open?
402
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:20,647
Come on.
403
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:23,683
* Men.
404
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,154
How do you pronounce
her last name?
405
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,189
Hayek.
Salma Hayek.
406
00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:32,559
Wow. Her name's as pretty
as her boobs.
407
00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,296
Hey.
408
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,530
Hey.
409
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,599
What's all this?
410
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,168
Found a place.
411
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:43,203
Fully furnished,
ready to move in.
412
00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:45,038
Uh, Jake, I packed most
of your stuff.
413
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:46,739
You may want to check
if I missed anything.
414
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,675
Uncle Charlie...?
415
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,743
Listen to your father.
416
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:51,811
But you said...
417
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:53,713
I said listen
to your father.
418
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,782
( sighs )
419
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,150
I'm just a pawn.
420
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,754
So, where is this place?
421
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:02,589
In the Valley.
422
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:05,858
A lovely, uh,
Spanish-style complex called
423
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:07,860
Valley Hacienda.
424
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:09,129
Good for you.
425
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,563
Two-bedroom.
426
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,699
Pool, Jacuzzi, rec room.
427
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:13,733
Sounds great.
428
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,035
It is, and we're going.
429
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,905
I can see that.
430
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:20,340
Well, it's for the best.
431
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,475
I'll finally have a place
that's really mine,
432
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,911
and you can go back
to living the selfish,
433
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,880
unexamined life
you obviously cherish.
434
00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:30,883
Looking forward to it.
435
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:33,153
Okay, I guess I'm ready to go.
436
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:39,892
Well, then, uh,
I guess we should go.
437
00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:42,829
Need some help?
438
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,198
No, we can handle it.
439
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:53,072
All right, uh,
Valley Hacienda, here we come.
440
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,809
Jake, say good-bye
to your Uncle Charlie.
441
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:58,778
Bye, Uncle Charlie.
442
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,012
Bye, kid.
443
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,981
Jake, go get in the car.
444
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,717
Listen to your father.
445
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:10,657
I don't think anybody's
learning anything here.
446
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:14,561
Well, uh, thanks
for your hospitality.
447
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:20,867
I'm sorry
we overstayed our welcome.
448
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:27,106
Alan...
449
00:18:27,174 --> 00:18:28,074
I don't want to go.
450
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,776
Please don't make me go.
451
00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,077
I love it here.
452
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:34,147
I love it so much!
453
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:35,215
I thought
you found a nice place.
454
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:36,783
I was bluffing. It sucked!
455
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,218
They all sucked!
456
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,519
Do you want me
to kiss your ass?
457
00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,053
'Cause I will literally
kiss your ass!
458
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,255
Come on. Turn around.
459
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,624
Alan, cut it out.
460
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,426
I mean it, I mean it.
You're the boss.
461
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:48,361
You know, I'd-I'd rather be
a second-class citizen
462
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:51,298
here in paradise than king
of a urine-soaked firetrap
463
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:52,632
next to Burbank Airport.
464
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:56,068
Alan, Alan,
calm down,
calm down.
465
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,471
If you want to stay,
you can stay.
466
00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,440
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
467
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:03,042
Thank you. Oh, Charlie,
you have no idea how bad it was.
468
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,645
I mean, I couldn't bring a woman
to one of these places.
469
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:09,316
The only way I'd ever have sex
was if I was molested by a rat.
470
00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:10,317
Pull yourself together.
471
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,818
( sniffling )
472
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,187
Now go grab Jake,
and we'll all have some dinner.
473
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,688
Okay, okay.
474
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,390
And-And thanks again.
475
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:19,192
You're welcome.
476
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,334
( sniffling )
477
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,968
Hey, hey, Charlie?
478
00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:29,902
What?
479
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:30,937
Just before
480
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,606
I-I went down on my knees...
481
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,243
were you about to say something?
482
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,344
I don't think so.
483
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:40,213
Before I started weeping,
484
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,283
you were gonna tell me to stay.
485
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,352
No, I wasn't.
486
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:48,455
Okay, you're not
fooling anybody.
487
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,957
You'd miss me if I was gone.
488
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,091
Despite
489
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,093
everything you've said,
we're brothers,
490
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,396
and we have a bond
that's deeper
491
00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:59,299
and more meaningful
than any...
492
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,673
He folded,
didn't he?
493
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:10,643
My ass is covered
with lip-prints.
494
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,178
Damn.
495
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:13,980
Well, anyway, uh,
496
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,616
I guess you want to head home
and see how Philip's doing.
497
00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:19,151
Who?
498
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,253
Philip?
499
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,654
Your brother?
500
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:22,655
Detoxing?
501
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,624
Oh, yeah, sure.
502
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,559
Philip.
503
00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:27,627
My brother.
504
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,638
This isn't so bad.
505
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,878
Seems reasonably safe.
506
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,146
Oh, yeah.
507
00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:49,582
I'm sure the Valley Hacienda
crack dealers have organized
508
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:51,418
some sort of neighborhood watch.
509
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,919
We could make this work.
510
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:53,620
I-I think
511
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,087
it's got a lot going for it.
512
00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:58,925
( jet engine roaring loudly )
513
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:08,568
I'm not a big fan
of the orange carpet,
514
00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:10,136
um, but part of the fun
515
00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:11,471
of having a new place
is fixing it up,
516
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:12,905
making it your own.
517
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:15,642
( jet engine roaring )
You know, slap on a new coat
of paint...
518
00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:18,878
( roaring continues )
519
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:22,214
...some fresh linoleum
on the kitchen floor.
520
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,616
Of course, a little bleach
521
00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:25,718
to take out those bloodstains
in the tub.
522
00:21:26,753 --> 00:21:27,887
Or you could just run home
523
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:29,789
and kiss your brother's ass
repeatedly.
524
00:21:29,856 --> 00:21:32,625
Couldn't you just say,
"I told you so?"
36067
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof