Original subtitles

[Laughing]

SHLUB: So you're telling me the first time you made love,

it was to a ghost?

TYRANNIS: I said it may have been a ghost.

She was very squishy and vanished into thin air.

SHLUB: You think ghosts are squishy?

Oh, we tease you, but you are funny.

TYRANNIS: I'm going to grab a couple more warm ones.

MAN: Hey, Ty. Oh, wow.

Do you always wear sandals on your boat?

TYRANNIS: What? No, I'm just grabbing some beers

and forgot to take them off. I'm not a monster.

[Laughing]

SHLUB: I cannot believe what I've just heard.

TYRANNIS: About the sandals?

I know way more boat etiquette than you'd think.

And people are weirdly serious about it, too.

SHLUB: No, you said, "I'm not a monster."

TYRANNIS: Oh, well, that's just an expression.

SHLUB: Few things upset me, son,

but talking about monsters like they're a bad thing,

or like they have anything to do with shoes.

TYRANNIS: I don't think monsters are bad.

SHLUB: I seem to remember that you tried to ban monsters.

TYRANNIS: Ban monsters? Me?

I know what happened. You're misremembering.

You know you have an unreliable memory from all the drinking.

SHLUB: I do?

TYRANNIS: Yes, you yourself have told me that a million times.

You probably don't remember that either.

SHLUB: I don't remember. TYRANNIS: There you go.

And that's why, ironically, you've gotten it backwards.

I love and respect monsters so much

that when I was king,

I was planning an enormous Monster Week. SHLUB: You were?

TYRANNIS: Talked about it constantly.

SHLUB: My God, I've judged you wrong.

Well, what's stopping us from finishing what you started?

You hear that, world?

We're having a Monster Week.

FISH MUTANT: Are sea monsters invited too?

TYRANNIS: You bet they are. FISH: Ay-yay-yay.

TYRANNIS: Maybe we should get out of here.

SHLUB: No, I want to see if it happens again.

FOURTH FISH MUTANT: Ay-yay-yay.

STUPENDOUS: Monster Week? Is that what it sounds like?

TYRANNIS: Yes, a week-long celebration of monsters

where everyone will have a blast

and never again use the word monster

to mean anything even remotely negative

or having to do with shoes for whatever reason.

Not quite clear on that, but I do now know it's important.

HIPPOCAMPUS: And this is a plan you're okay with

and not terrified by?

Packing our streets with literal monsters?

SHLUB: It was his idea.

Planning it for years, in fact.

Now, what fun things did you have in mind?

TYRANNIS: Rules? Not because it's monsters.

Because it's a week.

There's always rules during weeks.

VISCERA: You're throwing a Monster Week?

Man, I wish I was able to help out.

Bloodmouth's taking me to some hot springs.

BLOODMOUTH: To turn her into soup and eat her.

[Laughs] Just kidding.

Although I'm sure you'd be delicious, babe.

VISCERA: Aw, thank you, babe.

BLOODMOUTH: We're cannibals. TYRANNIS: Yes.

BLOODMOUTH: Nah, the hot springs

are just a nice place to go with someone you love

and have sex with her for a long time.

Probably several extended sessions.

Ready, babe? VISCERA: You bet, babe.

SHLUB: Don't worry. Once the monsters arrive,

you'll be having too much fun

to be sad she picked that gorgeous cannibal over you

for sex in a location

that you can easily picture in your mind.

We're going to have the best Monster Week ever.

STUPENDOUS: You know Monster Week

is a bad idea, right?

TYRANNIS: It's a terrible idea.

We can't have a bunch of monsters

descending upon our city,

which is why we're going to have to fake it.

Hippo, can you make monster costumes so realistic they'll fool Dad?

If he's as drunk as I'm sure he'll be,

I'm insulted by the question.

DELIRIA: Let me guess. You want me to clear out.

SHLUB: Gods make monsters uneasy.

DELIRIA: Yes, I'll stay away.

Because you asked so nicely, and I love you.

Not because I have any respect

for the principles being applied.

SHLUB: Goes quite without saying.

While I've got you in such an obliging mood,

might you also keep Hermes away?

DELIRIA: Hermes specifically?

My frenemy whose eyeball I gouged out?

SHLUB: Who cages monsters

and forces them to fight to the death, yes.

DELIRIA: You know what? He'll be in Hades

doing that pathetic side gig of his

bringing in dead souls or whatever.

I'll go and distract him with something.

Keep him occupied.

SHLUB: Darling, you really are the best in the world.

DELIRIA: Yes, well, I'd be the first to admit that.

Underworld exit!

[Caws]

TYRANNIS: Monster Week is off to a great start.

I see no problems with it at all.

Would you agree, Dad?

SHLUB: I'm seeing some monsters I've never seen before.

I'm going to have to get to know them personally. Bodily.

TYRANNIS: Oh, you should absolutely.

But first, why not get much drunker,

to the point where everything is blurry,

perhaps wiped out altogether?

How does that sound?

All monsters drink for free during Monster Week

because nobody's sober during Monster Week.

All weeks have rules,

and Monster Week's rules say, "Drink up."

Can't argue with any of that.

MONSTER: Roar!

SHLUB: Roar indeed.

Son, you've really outdone yourself,

and knowing you would,

I've invited that investigative reporter you like.

TYRANNIS: Tina! TINA: So, tell me,

how did the guy who banned monsters

end up throwing a Monster Week?

SHLUB: I can answer this one.

It would seem that you and I both have

the same alcohol-induced false memory.

TINA: Interesting.

I smell a flimsy false memory cover-up

just waiting to be blown wide open.

Only story bigger than that would be

if these weren't real monsters.

TYRANNIS: What would that even mean?

People in monster costumes or something?

What a ridiculous, funny thing you're saying. I mean, it's amusing.

TINA: I'll tell you what I've noticed already.

None of these monsters are destroying anything.

TYRANNIS: The night is young.

TINA: I haven't gotten scratched once.

TYRANNIS: Chivalry is not dead.

TINA: The fire-breathing orcs haven't breathed any fire. TYRANNIS: New diet.

TINA: And everyone is just walking around saying, "Roar"?

TYRANNIS: Monsters do say "Roar."

TINA: They don't just say, "Roar."

Plus, you're acting weird, but that's hardly a story.

[Laughter]

TYRANNIS: Yes, very well observed.

I'll be right back.

TYRANNIS: Guys, we have a problem. Tina's here.

STUPENDOUS: Oh, that is a problem.

You two have a crazy history of romantic near-misses.

TYRANNIS: That's not the kind of Tina problem

I'm dealing with for once.

In addition to being beautiful and fascinating,

she unfortunately happens to be a very good reporter.

What's Dad going to think when she breaks the vase

that there's no real monsters at Monster Week?

HIPPOCAMPUS: She'll never find out. My costumes are incredible.

MAN: I should be the head.

WOMAN: Why should you be the head

when you have such incredible butt energy?

HIPPOCAMPUS: So, what did you have in mind?

TYRANNIS: We might need some actual monsters here.

If we could get just one, a harmless one.

STUPENDOUS: We got that last surviving Tickle Troll.

TYRANNIS: Are you serious? That's perfect.

Wait, Tickle Trolls are real?

TICKLE TROLL: We are, if you believe in us.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Of course Tickle Trolls aren't real.

TYRANNIS: Oh, phew.

That's what I thought. TICKLE TROLL: Oh, come on!

TYRANNIS: Come on, let's think. Do we know

any relatively gentle dotard monsters

who exist?

STUPENDOUS: Gargie the Giant, who can't feel pain,

gave me that special Gargie whistle you blow

if you want to summon Gargie.

TYRANNIS: Perfect, yes, summon Gargie.

He's very gentle

when he isn't swinging that enormous club.

Ah, still might not be enough.

Maybe he knows some other gentle monsters,

or not even necessarily gentle, just willing to be gentle,

or just less monstrous as a favor to a friend.

STUPENDOUS: You could try to get some real monsters

so Dad won't find out

there's fake monsters at the monster party

you threw to prove you're not scared of monsters,

which you are.

Or you could come clean with Dad and be done with it,

which, forgetting any other considerations

like wrong or right or blah, blah, blah,

it actually just seems a lot simpler.

TYRANNIS: Just get the damn whistle.

Hey, Tina, where'd my dad go?

TINA: He said there was a sphinx he wanted to destroy,

but the way he said it clearly implied

he intended to mate with it.

I would really like to interview some of these monsters

and dig into why they decided to show up

to a Monster Week hosted by a monster hater,

but they all seem to be running away from me.

That's curious, isn't it?

TYRANNIS: [Babbles]

Alleged monster hater. Nothing has been proven.

And it's not curious, no.

Monsters are notoriously shy,

except for... Gargie!

The friendly giant who doesn't feel pain!

Get over here. A reporter wants to talk to you.

Now, this is a real monster.

TINA: Tell me more about your use of the word real.

TYRANNIS: I just meant a real one.

You know, he's the real deal.

Anyway, it's Gargie. He's a star.

Everyone loves Gargie. Big fan favorite.

Like I said, he doesn't feel pain.

Go ahead, stab him. Stomp on his foot.

You're going to love him. You know what?

Maybe you could find something sharp

to poke him with. Something good.

Give it some thought. TINA: Okay.

TYRANNIS: Gargie, spill, where can I find some monsters real quick?

Monsters who are willing to be cool, preferably.

GARGIE: Seem to Gargie lots of monsters here.

Gargie's friends at Monster Bar

say no monsters welcome in Krapopolis.

But Gargie remember Krapopolis.

Maybe Gargie is big, softy Gargie.

Softest Gargie around.

Or maybe it's just impossible for Gargie

to resist Gargie whistle! But Gargie think...

TYRANNIS: Gargie, Gargie, Gargie.

Monster Bar. Where's that exactly?

TINA: Wow, spooky.

HERMES: Here you go, Care Bear.

Delivering another dead one for you to process.

HADES: Don't call Charon Care Bear.

Only I call him that.

And are you sure this guy's really dead?

HERMES: This again?

HADES: Because look, I got a lot of live ones sneaking in

and a lot of dead ones sneaking out.

HERMES: And you think that's my fault?

HADES: You're the delivery guy. I'm just saying,

do you double check the doors on your way out

to see if they close all the way?

I'm sure it would be too much to ask

that you give the handle a little jiggle

to make sure it's locked.

HERMES: Oh, I can go faster than the eye can see.

I can jiggle the handle multiple times,

going back and forth, checking to see if it's locked,

and then checking again, because was it really locked?

Not that I would do that.

HADES: So you didn't jiggle the handle.

DELIRIA: [Caws] Hello, boys.

Long time no see.

HADES: What is she doing here?

What are you up to? Is it antics?

HERMES: Don't look at me. I have nothing to do with her antics.

DELIRIA: Well, you'll soon want to do something with my antics.

I brought something very special.

Brrrr!

It's a pineapple!

I figure we can section it and eat it together.

That should take a long time.

Probably a week, right?

HADES: While your pineapple does look fascinating,

we are in the middle of something here.

HERMES: No, I think we're done.

He keeps blaming me

for people coming in and out illegally.

HADES: Because he's careless.

HERMES: Ugh, I'm so bored with this conversation.

Anything fun going on in Krapopolis?

I feel like it's gotten a little better

over the last year or so.

DELIRIA: No, it's got worse.

In fact, Krapopolis is cancelled.

But look what else I brought.

DOG: [Pants and barks]

BOTH: Aww...

HERMES: [Laughs]

HADES: Aww, look at you. DELIRIA: [Sighs]

TYRANNIS: This must be the place.

BOTH: [Hissing]

TYRANNIS: Oh boy, these don't look gentle.

[Indistinct]

TYRANNIS: No. No, no, no. You got this.

[Growling]

TYRANNIS: You're half-monster. You can do this. Be strong.

THREE-EYED MONSTER: No, stop it!

TYRANNIS: Roar!

GRIFFIN: Was that supposed to be a roar?

TYRANNIS: I'm sorry, my pronunciation is...

Anyway, I'm here to ask you

to please come to Monster Week in Krapopolis,

preferably in a spirit of non-destructive camaraderie.

MONSTERS: [Talking at the same time] Seriously?

THREE-EYED MONSTER: That's rich. You banned us.

Yeah, we know who you are.

TYRANNIS: Okay, yes,

I may have at one point banned monsters,

but if you know who I am,

you must know I'm half-monster.

MONSTERS: [Annoyed murmurs]

TYRANNIS: Is that offensive? I didn't... I actually...

I'm here for my father, who's a full monster.

MONSTERS: [Judgmental murmurs]

TYRANNIS: He's king now, if that makes any difference.

THREE-EYED MONSTER: I'll believe that when I see it.

All we know is you want to corral us all into one place.

What's that going to be for, you think?

BASILISK: Some heroes' feats.

TYRANNIS: There are no heroes at Monster Week.

GRIFFIN: Oh, yeah? And why should we believe you?

TYRANNIS: Why should you believe me?

It's all been lies to from the start.

And all because I hurt my dad's feelings.

And I couldn't handle it.

I didn't even know it was possible.

But it is, and I did it

because I am scared of monsters.

And that means I'm scared of myself.

So please, come to Krapopolis

as our honored guests, exactly the way you are.

There's free beer.

BASILISK: Why the hell didn't you lead with that?

MONSTERS: [Cheering]

MONSTERS: [Cheering]

SHLUB: That's odd... Oh well!

STUPENDOUS: I don't know if Dad's getting sober or smarter,

but he is definitely going to find out.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Yeah, and Tina's going to lose interest in Gargie

pretty soon. Everyone does.

His only thing is not feeling pain.

I mean, get a hobby.

STUPENDOUS: Where the hell is Ty with those real monsters?

HIPPOCAMPUS: We need a huge distraction.

Something that will change the subject for everyone.

SHLUB: You know what would really get this party going?

Typhon.

HIPPOCAMPUS: God of all monsters.

SHLUB: Don't discredit him.

He's the monster of all monsters.

STUPENDOUS: Doesn't he destroy cities?

SHLUB: With fun,

and devastating unprecedented weather events.

But it's the fun that really stands out.

HIPPOCAMPUS: That's it. STUPENDOUS: Typhon?

What are we going to do? Just be like,

"Hey, Typhon, want to come destroy our city

so Dad won't think Ty's a monster hater?"

Why not just get Zeus to come and kill us all?

HIPPOCAMPUS: No. We fake Typhon.

Why'd you put your hand to your head like that?

STUPENDOUS: I don't know.

HADES: Who's got a tummy?

Who's got a cutesy wutesy tubby little tum-tum?

LONG-DEAD WOMAN: Woo! I'm going to rearrange the spices

in my bitch sister's kitchen.

HADES: That. That right there.

See? She's getting out.

And how does she know how to get out?

Did she see you come in?

HERMES: Dead getting out isn't even in my purview.

Is it, you flopsy-wopsy little cuddle bug?

HERMES: I should go. I'm tired of getting blamed for Hades' problems.

Even if it's hard to tear myself away

from this sweet little pea.

DELIRIA: Wait! Why don't we... train the puppy

to guard the river? That might take some time.

HERMES: Why would we do that?

HADES: And why do you say "take some time" like it's a selling point?

Oh, selling point, schmelling schploindt.

HADES: Mm-hmm.

HERMES: Well, I don't see this little guy

stopping anyone who really wants to escape.

DELIRIA: Good point. We're going to have to workshop a lot of ideas

to get it right. Gotta start somewhere.

DOG: [Barks]

HADES: I don't think that's a guard dog.

HERMES: Let's test it. I've been working on my mortal voice.

I am a normal living human man

who wishes to see his dead mother

for some reason. Try to stop me, doggie.

Come on, chase me.

I'm getting away.

HADES: Yeah, that dog won't hunt.

DELIRIA: Damn it, I thought I'd nailed it.

Looks like we've got our work cut out for us.

Call your wives. It's going to be a long one.

DOG: [Barks]

OK, Big isn't enough. We've got to go scarier,

and I have an idea, I have an idea.

HERMES: You're really excited about having an idea.

Seriously, a two-headed dog scares you?

DELIRIA: I'm not finished yet.

HADES: Wow. You know, after the second head got that response,

I really wouldn't have gone for a third,

but you took the risk of embarrassment, and it was worth it.

Look at this scary sweetie pie!

HERMES: Wait, now I have an idea.

It might be a little clichéd,

but what about... snakes?

HADES: Oh, snakes on the head? Or snakes for tails?

DELIRIA: Or snakes coming out of its back!

DOG: [Barks]

HADES: That's awesome.

I think I'm going to name him Chompy, or Cerberus.

You know what? Okay. His official name can be Cerberus,

but his unofficial name will be Chompy. Done.

HERMES: Hey, Deliria, remember when you came up with the idea

of making male mortals go bald?

This is almost as fun as that was.

DELIRIA: It was just my idea for them to go bald,

but it was your idea

for it to happen in different ways

so some of those guys don't even realize

it's happening for years.

ALL: [Laughing]

DELIRIA: See? It's fun.

We're having fun. Sustainable fun.

Let's try... sharper teeth.

HERMES: He's perfect. Walk away.

DELIRIA: No, no, no. We're just getting started.

What about nails?

HADES: Great. Don't overdo it, though.

DELIRIA: Let me cook. How about weirder eyes?

Killer instincts. Dramatic pause.

HADES: You're upsetting him, Deliria.

DELIRIA: No, he's having fun right along with us.

DOG: [Barks]

HERMES: Chompy! HADES: And you overdid it.

Great. Hermes, where do you think he went?

HERMES: Well, this monster we've whipped up

has 3 very sensitive noses.

I'd say he's going to go to the worst-smelling place he can find.

DELIRIA: Oh, no. Krapopolis.

SHLUB: Ty, look at you, surrounded by glorious beasts.

TYRANNIS: Sorry I'm late. I thought the parade stopped at the Monster Bar.

SHLUB: You went to the Monster Bar?

You deserve a drink.

Oh, and don't look now,

but there's a gorgon in the house.

Drink up, you misunderstood bastards.

Join the party.

MONSTERS: [Cheering]

TYRANNIS: Tina, how's it going?

Learn anything newsworthy?

TINA: I didn't expect to spend my Monster Week this way,

but Gargie has a really tragic backstory.

TYRANNIS: Have you really been talking to Gargie this whole time?

GARGIE: Gargie didn't know how much he had to say.

Gargie tapped into things

he never knew he could talk about.

TINA: It's not the story I was looking for, but it'll work.

My readers do love a sob fest.

SHLUB: Is that who I think it is?

Did you get Typhon, you crazy boy?

TINA: Wait, did you really get Typhon?

TYRANNIS: I... guess?

MONSTERS: [Cheering]

SHLUB: Oh, yes, here we go.

TINA: Forget Gargie, this is a story.

GARGIE: For the first time, Gargie feel pain.

GRIFFIN: It's Typhon! Run for your lives

TYRANNIS: Hippo, Stupe.

Oh, thank God, it's just you guys.

Really good job with the weather.

I thought it was actually Typhon.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Well, you're not dealing with an amateur here.

I like to... Wait, you thought what was Typhon?

I haven't started the machine.

TYPHON: Typhon!

ALL: [Screaming]

TYPHON: It's me, I made it.

Let's get this party started.

THREE-EYED MONSTER: I'm going to get killed by Typhon!

How cool is that?

SHLUB: Adult children, get under my wings.

[Moans]

TYRANNIS: Dad!

SHLUB: I couldn't ask for a better way to die.

Thank you, son.

TYRANNIS: You're not going to die, dad. None of us are.

I'm responsible for this. I'll be the one to fix it.

GRIFFIN: What the hell is he doing?

THREE-EYED MONSTER: Is he going to talk to Typhon?

You don't even look at him!

BASILISK: Just avert your eyes,

or run like hell and die happy!

TYRANNIS: Typhon! TYPHON: Who approaches?

TYRANNIS: I'm Tyrannus, and it is great to see you.

TYPHON: You're not scared of me?

TYRANNIS: No, I'm terrified.

But that's my problem.

And what kind of a host would I be

if I didn't thank you for coming to my Monster Week?

TYPHON: Do you mean it? I wasn't sure I was welcome.

I'm not usually welcome places,

since, you know, I usually destroy them.

TYRANNIS: Are you kidding? I mean, yes, I have heard that,

but the monster of all monsters?

I don't just welcome you to Monster Week.

I thank you for coming.

Would you want to have a beer with me?

You know, monster to monster.

TYPHON: I'd love that.

TYRANNIS: Oh. Great.

SHLUB: That's my boy.

MONSTERS: Oh.

SHLUB: So, you tried to fake Monster Week, but why?

TYRANNIS: The thing is, I did ban monsters when I was king.

You weren't misremembering. I should have just been honest with you.

STUPENDOUS: If only somebody had told you to come clean.

SHLUB: That would have saved him a lot of trouble.

But then again, if he had come clean,

I wouldn't have had the best Monster Week ever.

TYRANNIS: You mean you're not mad?

I've got to tell you,

I really did learn that my perception of monsters was all wrong,

or largely wrong, somewhat,

in at least certain circumstances.

SHLUB: What's the number one rule of Monster Week?

TYRANNIS: That everyone is forgiven during Monster Week?

SHLUB: No, it's no lessons during Monster Week.

And to be honest, I did know Scott and Kolax were in that Sphinx costume.

I've only pretended to make love to them.

SCOTT: Wait, which part of it was fake?

KOLAX: It was all real to me!

TYRANNIS: Hey, Tina, so how much of the real story did you get?

TINA: If there's anything I didn't get,

I don't even need it. I got plenty.

TYRANNIS: Great. TINA: Promise me I'll never lose you as a source.

These weeks always deliver.

Although, I don't know why you call them weeks.

I can't remember any of them being longer than a day.

TYRANNIS: Well, no one can really say how long a week is.

TINA: Can't they? Oh, my God.

CERBERUS: [Barks]

TYRANNIS: [Screams]

DELIRIA: Chumpy, here!

SHLUB: Ooh, who have we got here?

DELIRIA: Shlub, I'm sorry.

I tried to keep away as long as possible.

SHLUB: Not a problem in the slightest, darling.

I haven't seen a monster this good

since you made our children.

TYRANNIS: [Screams]

SHLUB: Good boy, Chumpy. TYRANNIS: [Screams]

BLOODMOUTH: Look, babe, I'm telling you,

I've boiled humans before.

This water isn't hot enough to boil you.

It's going to feel great.

VISCERA: It's not about that.

I told you, I'm cutting back on human,

but all you packed were finger sticks and fried toes.

BLOODMOUTH: I thought you'd like the sauce!

VISCERA: You invited me here and brought nothing I can eat.

That is so typical of you.

BLOODMOUTH: I told you, I'm on an all-flesh diet.

I'm sorry I forgot about you.

It won't happen again.

Can we please just get in the water?

VISCERA: Fine. You go first.

BLOODMOUTH: Happily.

This is going to feel great.

Oh, it's so hot.

I'm so scared to get in because it's so hot.

Oh, it's too hot!

It's too hot! I was wrong.

I'm turning into soup.

VISCERA: Oh, my God, Bloodmouth! BLOODMOUTH: Viscera, promise.

Promise you'll eat me.

VISCERA: Seriously,

what did I just say about cutting back on human?

MAN: Did you get any of that?

MAN 2: Bento.