Original subtitles

Ackley Bridge College is a vegetable patch.

While most of our pupils are potatoes,

their heads buried in the ground,

you Miss Akhtar,

are our prize marrow.

Thanks. I think You're welcome.

In fact, we want you to be our second ever Oxbridge candidate.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, here, Ken.

Why not? Fizza's more than capable.

Well, I'm sure she is but I just... We're relying on you

to pull this school up by its bootstraps.

Which is why we have prepared you a brand-new time-table.

Extra lessons. Extra exams.

And you're going to captain our brand-new debate team in

the upcoming tournament against St Mark's School.

So, how do you feel about all that?

Got your fave.

I'll eat it later.

When was the last time you saw your mates from the club?

Rusty and all the Glamazons have been sending you tons of messages.

Don't want 'em to see me like this.

Come on, Dad. Up and at 'em... I said no, Fizza.

Can't take your medication on an empty stomach.

Right, I'm off to school.

Sorry. I didn't mean to snap.

It's fine. See you later.

DOOR CLOSES

My English homework.

No. Oh, come on Fizza.

I've spent every waking hour job-hunting.

I need your help.

Please?

Yeah, all right. You are a life-saver.

I owe you, big time, honestly.

Had any ideas about debate topics yet, Fizza?

Miss, with revision, and rugby, I ain't had time...

It's just I've invited someone to watch the debate.

An old friend from school. Well, frenemy more like.

She's a barrister now.

Impress her at the debate

and she said she'll give you work experience at her firm in London.

London?

Right. No pressure then.

Don't worry. You'll be fine.

Plus you wouldn't be alone.

Chloe?

Hi. Think we're going to make a really good team.

See you both Wednesday lunchtime for practice. Don't be late.

I'll, I'll get out of your hair.

Look, Mrs Paracha,

I think we probably started off, on the wrong foot.

You did. Well, I'm going to this Muslim speed-dating, Halal Hearts.

Sort of cheesy, I know.

I wondered if you'd like to join me?

I've got a loving life partner in Mr Hyatt.

I don't need a wing-woman. I need a chaperone.

Well, I'm a bit young to be the chaperone?

Well, I also thought, it might be nice to have a friend with me.

I don't have too many of those round here.

What it is, I'm doing my GCSEs.

So I have to revise very hard.

I don't want my son to pass,

me fail, I mean I'd never live that down.

Yeah. So, I'm sorry.

TV: Welcome to Namedroppers, the show where your knowledge of fame

and famous people can bring your own ten minutes of fame.

We shan't spend too long going over the rules,

as I'm sure you'll pick them up as we go along.

CLATTER

Dad. Look what you've done.

Sorry, I... I didn't realise...

Don't worry about it.

Bet you wish I were more like the other dads at school, don't you?

Like I'd want that.

I'd have no-one to borrow clothes off.

I'm not stupid, Fizza.

If people wanted to look after their parents,

there'd be no nursing homes.

I know I embarrass you.

Embarrass myself.

Hey...

it's just me and you against the world, right?

Fizzy Knickers and Queen Lasif, till the end of time.

Yeah, -yeah.

Look, I have this thing.

This, uh, debate team thing at school.

I'd...

I'd really love it if you could come along.

Mind if we come in, Fizza?

Don't ask her. It's a free country.

Surprised to see you in here, Marina.

I'm stopping Chloe from committing social suicide,

hanging out with you and your loser debate club.

I'm basically saving a life.

Right, well some of us actually care about our education.

So why don't you two go and get your bikinis on

and go wash some men's cars.

It's not very feminist of you, Fizza,

judging a woman based on what she is and isn't wearing?

Liberation for all women, that's what I preach.

Well, go on, then, preacher-man.

Tell us why a woman in a bikini can't be a feminist?

Women earning their own money.

Take me hat off to you.

Women wearing what they want, own that body.

But exploiting your bodies, for your shoddy car wash?

You just want pervy old men looking at you.

Men are going to look no matter what I wear,

so I might as well make them pay for the privilege.

That's payback. That's equality. That's feminism.

That's boll-... Looks like you've started already. Great.

Marina, you can leave now.

What about me hair? I'm going out in that wind.

Fine. Fizza.

Get up on the chair. Start us off. Quick fire debate.

Argue in favour of lowering the voting age to 16,

in one sentence.

If I can legally get married,

I think I'm more than capable of putting a cross in a box.

Very good.

Now talk about the effect of social media on mental health.

Um... I guess, it has, like, negative effects.

Like memory loss? LAUGHTER

That's terrible. Sorry? You can do better.

No, I don't know, like...

Trolls and...

What was the question again?

Do I embarrass you, Fizza?

What? No, Dad, no.

Why do you want to leave me behind? I don't.

So why are you doing all this? Fizza?

Fizza.

Are you OK?

Brain of Britain, everyone!

Is this about my friend coming to watch?

Don't worry about her.

No, I... I just don't want to be the "Face of Ackley" all right?

I've got enough on me plate.

I know this is daunting, but this is well within your grasp.

What's the point?

Come with me, I'll show you.

Why've you brought me up here?

To show you how small this town is.

And how your future is so much bigger than what it has to offer.

You could be an astronaut, Prime Minister, anything.

Butcher, baker, candlestick maker.

I'm serious.

You're dreaming.

"Life is only a dream"

"and we are the imagination of ourselves."

Don't quote Shakespeare at me.

Bill Hicks, actually.

And it means that you can live a life

that's bigger than you can imagine.

Me family need me.

Don't let other people's needs, rob you of your own future.

You'll only end up resenting the people you're supposed to love.

All this, just to get me on't debate team?

Come on Fizza you know it's more than that.

Captain of the debate team now

means debate society at university,

which in turn means politics, or journalism,

or Oxford don, or human rights lawyer.

Do you really think so?

I believe in you, Fizza Akhtar!

Question is, do you believe in you?

♪ I been lookin' for somebody

♪ Trying to kick it with somebody... ♪

Hey, Hey. What do you think?

I have been practising for ages, man.

That's it. I'm going speed-dating.

She fallen out with Rashid?

Nobody tell me anything.

He ain't left the house for days, now he's not answering his phone.

He'll be fine. Come on, next topic.

This is hopeless.

All right, the debate's tomorrow and me head's like a sieve.

Don't worry, right?

I'm sure Chloe will help you out.

I see how she looks at you.

Ever been out with a girl before?

No, but it's not like I'm against it.

I mean Chloe's attractive right? Hmm.

Come in. Come in.

Auntie Rusty. Hello, love!

Where've you been all me life? Ain't seen you for weeks.

I've been knocking on't door every day, she in't answering.

I've been out. Who's your boyfriend then?

He's just a mate. Johnny, this me Auntie Rusty.

Ooh, what a firm handshake "Just-a-mate Johnny".

Rusty Pipez. At your service.

Right, let's get drinks on't go. Oh, yeah.

No, sorry. Debate tournament's tomorrow.

You know you're not supposed to drinking on your medication.

Have a day off, Fizza.

You're making me depressed just looking at you.

That in't funny.

You are the only ray of sunshine in my life,

you know that, don't you?

You need a party. Woo! Here we go, party time, wa-hay.

I can't. Well, I think you can.

And I am as sure as sugar.

I'm as proud as punch. And I am gay as a flamin' goose.

And gay means happy. Let me be happy.

I'll do it in the morning.

Woo! Ha-ha-ha!

Party!

UPBEAT MUSIC

Too young.

Too old.

Oh, six month business trip to Pakistan? Mashallah!

You think I were born yesterday? Go back to your wife.

You are good at spotting the riff-raff.

Pakistani Dragons' Den, that's a me.

And why you want a speedy husband, anyway?

I just wanted to prove that I'm committed.

To this community, to Islam.

OK. You're right. I'm only going to find someone who plays the part

here at Halal Hearts.

Not someone who is as smart and devout as I am.

Oh, that is rich, bro.

Mr Hussein?

Ms Paracha, can I have a moment with Miss Farooqi please?

Don't worry. I brought my bloody headphones, with me.

You followed me here?

I'm Muslim and I'm single.

I've as much right to be here as you.

Yeah. I was just joking. Is that all I am to you, yeah, a joke?

I think we just have different interests, Mr Hussein.

You think you know me already, don't you?

You don't know me either. I know exactly who you are.

You want everyone to think that you're getting down

and dirty with the locals, but really you just want everyone

to think you're better than you really are.

That's the virtue signalling.

Mrs Paracha!

BELL RINGS

Good evening.

Hey, prepare yourself for a nice big gulp of woke-accino.

Oh, for God's sake.

Your mum not showed up either?

Me Dad.

Sometimes wonder who the biggest teenager is, me or him.

Same with my mum, trust me.

The messier, more unpredictable they are,

the tighter our heads are screwed on.

At home you're the grown up, and at school, you're treated like...

A flipping kid! Yeah, exactly.

It's like emotional whiplash, or something.

You're not what I expected.

Good. I always try to do the opposite of what people expect.

People like to think they know me.

Cos of who I hang around with, What I wear at the car-wash.

That's the whole point.

Cos then, it's easier to be more surprising.

Smart.

Dead smart.

Fizza, this is my friend, the lawyer. Hiya.

Pleasure. She's told me all about you.

I'm really looking forward to seeing how you do out there.

No pressure.

But surely it's moderation we need to teach, not abstinence.

Junk food causes obesity and disease.

A ban on junk food in schools forces kids to eat healthier snacks.

But only if schools make healthier snacks cheap enough

for students from low income backgrounds.

Oh, wait, your school doesn't have any of those, does it?

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

You tell 'em, Fizza!

Yes, Fizzy Knickers give 'em hell.

BELL RINGS

Right, that concludes the quick fire debate round.

The scores at half-time are

Ackley Bridge 4, St Mark's 3.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please help yourself to refreshments.

See, I told you she was good.

Her life's changing.

Are we talking about you, or Fizza?

Look, I know my family don't get it.

But I thought if I could show you the difference I'm making, maybe...

I could get them off your back?

They always listen to you.

You wouldn't be seen dead in a hijab when we are at school.

Now look at you. We're just worried about you.

It's such a big change.

I mean, is it a religious boyfriend, a nervous breakdown?

That's not funny.

We should talk later. Grab a drink, Like old times.

You know I...

Muslims don't drink.

Look, I'm sure they're lovely people,

but towns like this are where hopes and dreams come to die.

And they'll drag you down with them.

I've changed.

So either you can except it, or get out my life.

Hey. I thought you'd be sleeping off last night's party.

No. Too much to do now I've bought this ice cream van.

A what van? I bought an ice cream van.

You're, you're joking right? But it won't just be an ice cream van.

Mobile corner shop. Look, I'll be in full drag.

That'll be my gimmick...

SOUND FADES

You've stopped taking your pills haven't you, Dad?

Oh, I don't need that rubbish. Do you wanna blow a gasket?

No, those pills make me feel numb, and grey, and dull.

That's not living. Fizza, I wanna live! Let me live!

When you don't take your meds, you get manic.

All right, get into dangerous situations?

Like last time.

Right we need to go to the doctors.

What? And have your mum find out? Let's see what they can do.

She'll have you taken off me! Right well we'll just go home then. OK.

You were smashing it out there, but in the second round...

I, I need to take me dad home. Bye.

You seen this?

I can't stand these house makeover programmes.

And her. I can't stand her!

CHANNELS RAPIDLY CHANGE

Oh, I've seen this.

She paints the bathroom shocking pink and her mum cries.

It's hysterical!

TV: and make use of the equity locked in her large family home.

BUZZER

TV: and has shops and schools nearby.

But this four-bedroom...

BUZZER

Grabbed that from home.

Tried to get you the real debate trophy, but security was tight.

How do you know where I live?

Lorraine owed me a favour.

She's a dark horse.

I'm sorry I left.

It's me dad. He's...

He's got this, this bipolar disorder.

It's like a mental illness.

And he's stopped taking his meds and, well, it's not good.

Is there anything I can do?

I just, just...

Just what?

Just, be here...

Where? Here?

Yeah. Here.

I, I'm not... See you tomorrow.

You haven't got to buy it a drink first!

Just kick the ball! Kick it!

PHONE CHIMES

Sorry, forgot we were supposed to videocall.

I was busy with something. Look, I can't talk now.

KER-CHING

This is an absolute outrage!

SHOUTING CONTINUES

CAMERA CLICKS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media