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I've seen unbelievable things.

The dazzling anti-matter fountains of Kyclos.

Gravity beams blazing from the dying Eta Carinae.

Beings with their bums where their mouths should be.

But I've never had more fun than that day in a place

called Tooting on a planet called Earth.

That was where I met the strangest life-form

I've ever met in any dimension.

Teenagers!

So, you say you think you like Dan,

but you don't feel happy about liking him.

Yeah, I suppose that's it. That's a paradox.

Like everything in my life.

Do you know what it is about Dan that makes you

feel that way?

Well he's not very cool, but that shouldn't matter.

But it does?

Yeah. No, I don't know. It's so confusing.

Who are the cool people?

You know, the really popular people who everybody hates.

Do you think you're cool?

No. No

Yeah.

No.

So a cool person wouldn't want to go out with you.

Probably not.

So Dan definitely can't be cool.

Yeah that's it.

If somebody wants to go out with me, they can't be cool.

If somebody wants to go out with me they must be...

...a nerd.

Oh god.

Come on!

Why did I cut my hair?

Yeah, why did you?

I cut my hair because I thought it would

look hard but realistically looks so stupid.

No, no, no.

You look hard.

Yeah Louis, hard to fancy.

That's enough.

No. No!

That is a good look.

Oh Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou.

Romeo...

Charlotte, we know you're blessed with the attention span

of a goldfish, could you get back to work please.

Sorry, Miss.

She still doesn't know her lines.

Oh, I mean it's okay she's still got a good 4 hours.

I've got my run-through, now.

See you in a bit.

Good luck.

So, I got the keys.

Cool.

And as soon as we've done and the play has started,

we can get in there.

Okay.

And Louis' brother is getting beer.

I've made a playlist.

Okay.

What?

Nothing, I'll be there.

You and Dan will be there. Yay, best night ever.

Let the debauchery commence!

Louis!

Hello.

Where have you been?

Just been doing some maths with Mr. Price.

Did Charlotte get the keys?

Yeah.

Great.

Dan, this isn't working.

What's not working?

Us, like this relationship?

We're in a relationship?

As of now. No.

Oh my god I've never been in a relationship before.

This is Amazing. If I knew we were in a relationship I would have just actually-

Just thinking about tonight. It's not what I want.

Oh, yeah, no. It's cool.

Are you sure?

Yeah I think so, you know I'll see you at the play.

Helen?

Er...

How's your coursework going?

Good.

Am I annoying you?

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Well thanks, you know, I wasn't knowing we were having a relationship.

Look Dan it's not you, it's me.

Ah, that old chestnut.

Hi Dan.

Who said you could come and mix with the normal people?

Nice hair. Where did you get it cut?

Pets R Us!

♪ There's no need to hide ♪

♪ even if we could ♪

♪ I'll keep my eyes wide open ♪

♪ for something up above ♪

♪ I realise now, the key to life is love ♪

♪ I realise now, the key to life is love ♪

Why would you do that Helen?

After me and Louis went to so much trouble

to set you guys up.

You didn't see his hair cut.

He can get new hair Helen, it can grow.

I just want to be shallow for once like you.

You should've never done philosophy.

You been worse since you started that.

I mean, you've always been miserable, but at least you used to be funny.

We did the Hedonists today.

Boring.

They thought the only point in life was pleasure.

It is.

They're right. I mean, what's the point in life you can't

have any fun? Might as well ended it all now.

Helen!

Babes, don't say that.

Louie, you know Helen just dumped Dan.

What, why?

His haircut. Basically.

Yeah, what the hell happened there?

No, no, I mean, it will grow out. Helen you do know he's

liked you since year seven?

I know.

Tell him you've changed your mind.

No I can't do that.

Why don't you just become a nun?

I mean they don't have any fun either.

They do in the Sound of Music.

Who the hell put that there?

So I have to divide by a factor of five,

and then I've got the mean.

Oh, hi dad.

Everything okay?

How's the math studies?

Yeah, I'm actually finally starting to get it.

Helen is such a brilliant teacher.

Brought your sock.

Well I won't keep you from your studies. I do not

humiliation of another report like the one last week.

Charlotte struggles to maintain her potential and

doesn't seem to have the support of her parents.

I mean, how embarrassing is that for me

as a senior teacher at the school.

Dad, you know how I'm supposed to be helping with the

makeup of the school play tonight?

You have to unground me for one night.

No chance. You can't afford a night off with the exams so close.

But It's Shakespeare. It's educational.

Romeo and Julianne.

Juliet.

N-O.

But I'm the only person that can do Lauren's hair.

Really?

She is.

Lauren's hair is weird.

Yeah.

- You've used up all your second chances. - Oh but, you're ruining my life.

It's not a tragedy.

I think you'll find it is Mr Merriweather.

One of his most famous ones.

Oh, how we laughed.

No.

You've got to get me out of here.

I mean, your head girl.

You can pull some strings.

Mr. Jass! How's the play going?

Er.. very promising, sir.

What's that supposed to mean? The school governors

are all gonna be here tonight. We need this play to be

something really special. You need this play to be something

really special. Do I make myself clear? Yes sir, crystal. Special

So let's take it from, act one scene five,

if I profane.

If I profane with my unworthiest hand,

this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this,

my lips two blushing pilgrims, ready stand

to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,

which mannerly shows in this;

For saints palms, pilgrims,

for pilgrim's hands that palm saints do touch and

palm to palm is holy Palmers touch.

Er... no, no

Kiss!

Heaven sake!

You're making it worse,

Am I? My mom and dad are coming.

My Nan's coming my cousin's coming.

My little brother who worships me is coming.

This is gonna be the most humiliating night of life.

You're just hogging the stage.

You're not giving me my cues correctly.

Really?

So er, let's just try that again.

Hi Dan. I was just talking to Helen. Bummer.

Yeah, no, it's fine. I'm fine.

Yeah course you are, nobody minds getting dumped.

Not bothered at all.

She's liked you since you were 11.

You can go off people.

Do you have any money saved?

Yeah I've got a bit from tutoring, why?

I think you need a style makeover.

When can I take you shopping?

Dan, are you there?

No, I hate clothes. You know that.

I look like some of the street.

I mean, do you think that's why Helen broke up with me.

Yeah. Let's go to Westfield on Saturday.

Yeah. Okay.

Great.

Who was that?

Oh it was er, my mum.

Oh, I thought it might be Helen. What happened then?

It was a mutual decision. We mutually decided that we

didn't want to get too serious before exams.

Mate, you are taking these exams way too serious.

Really?

Maybe.

You're gonna have no fun in your life

and then you'll be dead.

Well at least my dad will be happy,

so my soul can rest in peace.

Mr. Jass has told me that you've all been disrespectful, and rude

today. I will not allow a teacher to be treated like that ever, but

particularly not today when it's more important than ever that we all

pull together and try to make the school look as good as we possibly can.

Ah Veronika! I mean Miss Tchaikova. I'm afraid I'm busy.

Nathan, I've just had a very disturbing phone conversation

with the Chair of the School Governors.

Wait here.

And I'll be leaving this door open so no funny business.

It's official. OFSTED gave us unsatisfactory and the

governors are talking about failures at senior leadership

level.

That's us.

It didn't help that the Inspectors found us together in

the book cupboard.

I'm a passionate woman.

Sometimes I can't help myself.

So this evening really is vital.

Our only chance of redemption.

The play looks awful.

Jass seems to have lost control of it. He's an idiot.

Look, be nice to him. Build his confidence.

But not too nice.

Not as nice as you're being to Mr. Adamant.

I'll be as nice as I want, to whoever I want.

So it is all over between us then?

Time will tell. Anything can happen.

You do so like to be enigmatic don't you.

Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't.

Just how nice are you being to Mr Adamant,

if you don't mind me asking?

Quite nice.

Come in.

Ah, hello Helen. How can I help?

It's Charlotte Merriweather sir. Her dad has grounded her she's

really needed for the makeup for the play tonight.

I wonder if you could call him get her ungrounded?

No problem leave with me. I'll call him.

What have you got to say for yourself this time? Ay?

We couldn't help it. We didn't know Mr Jass' name was Hugh

until ms Pringle called him Hugh.

Yes.

Hugh.

Hugh Jass.

What's funny about that?

Yes. What is humour about that?

Come on. Explain.

I think as we were transitioning between dimensions,

something screwed up and we've uploaded into the nearest

available body lifeforms as an emergency procedure.

You mean we've got bodies?

Bodies?

How gross.

What are these?

No idea

This squeaking noise we are making is

some form of crude communication.

This is your fault.

No focus.

It's always my fault lately isn't it.

Too much fantasizing about mingling with some

disembodied life forms instead of focusing

on the anti-matter in hand.

I'll mingle with who I want.

I've come to realise that.

Pig!

What's a pig?

I have no idea.

It just came to me.

Where are we?

God knows.

Well ask him then, why don't you?

Who's god?

God knows.

We can't go out there.

There will be alien life-forms lurking.

Okay let's focus.

We need to contact the recovery team

and gather some data about this.

Oh!

Charlotte is grounded.

Her dad's not gonna let her out because she's so behind in all her work.

Can't we just get someone else to do the makeup?

Screw the makeup. You know the plan for tonight. Dan, you're

gonna have to go to her house and convince her dad to let her out.

No. He likes you. You're the only one who understands

what's going on in all of his physics lessons.

That's true. I suppose I could, I am bored and...

Helen was supposed to come so,

No, I don't mean it like that. I was just saying that Helen was-

Dan.

Okay.

Hi.

Sorted. Mr King is going to ring your Dad and tell him

you have to come in. He should ring any minute now.

I love you.

So have we all got that?

Yeah.

We are in some sort of institution where the young of the

species are forcefully contained so that low grade data that

their elders believe will be helpful in making them

effective function in their environment is forcefully

downloaded into their memory files.

The effect is, in fact, to make them deeply ineffective

and dysfunctional. Anyway-

I'm in charge, you're second in command and you lot

need to do what I say.

We're not doing what you say. We're non-hierarchical.

You'll have to go along with it whilst we're here.

Crap.

Er...

And you have to call me sir and not-

Not use expletives.

Use what? I am not calling you sir.

Listen, listen, listen.

If they find out who we are they might turn on us.

We don't know what they're capable of.

Not very much, apparently.

As you can see, we do have partial access to the memory

files of the bodies we have been downloaded into.

None of it is making that much sense to me so far.

My head is full of crap.

Mine too.

So no change there.

Let's take it from the top.

But soft. What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon, who's already

sick and pale grief that thou her maid

art far more fair than she.

Oh Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Or if thou will not, be but sworn my love.

And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

I still don't believe you.

- Who me? Or him. - What?

Neither or both, there's still no chemistry.

I hate chemistry.

Atoms and all that sexist shit about bonding.

But on the plus side you remembered your lines, Lauren.

Miss Tchaikova! Oh please do come here! Miss Tchaikova.

Who on earth is this blob?

Do come here, Miss Tchaikova. Please.

Help me out, somebody.

Hugh? Mr Jass?

Get rid of that.

Come in... abduction. Abduction occurring

Like this, But soft!

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the East, and Juliet is the sun.

Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief - Abduction occurring, this is not a drill

That thou her maid art far more fair than she

Okay. I got it. More desperate.

No more passionate!

More Anguish!

Yes!

Did you notice he seemed to register some sort of

attachment to you?

He is the most ridiculous life form

I have encountered in any universe.

Yes. Well he certainly liked you.

All good here?

Yes, fine.

Veronika?

Yes, fine.

Okay, see you later.

See you later.

See you later.

Jesus.

Another one.

What the hell was she up to before we got here?

No idea.

Oh, actually.

He still hasn't called. What am I going to do?

I'll go and ask him again.

Okay, call me back.

Come in.

Sir?

Sorry, did I surprise you?

Sorry, somehow I didn't see you sitting there.

Well, I am here.

How can I help?

Sir you know I said about Charlotte's dad not

letting her come out. Have you managed to call him?

Who are you?

I'm Helen.

The head girl.

Your prefect.

Sorry.

Not ringing any bells.

Okay, never mind then.

I think he might be having some sort of breakdown.

It must be because Miss Tchaikova dumped him.

- No. - Yeah.

Word is she moved on to Mr Adamant the new P.E teacher.

Well, you can't argue with those abs.

- You mean you can't. - Why would I want to?

Self respect.

Oh, you lost me there.

Hello.

Yeah if you're here for Charlotte, she's not coming to the play

If Charlotte doesn't come, then there is nobody to do

make-up, and that means The whole production is stuffed.

Really?

Also, also the play is on the exam syllabus this year so,

I think it's just a great time for some revision.

Yeah well she can stay here and watch the DVD.

Is it the Leonardo DiCaprio version?

Yes.

Oh, that is a very free interpretation.

I mean, the pool scene is so confusing.

Whatever. But when you watch a DVD,

there's no after party.

After party. Is that the problem? I don't want to see Charlotte

working at a tattoo parlor any more than you do.

Tattoo parlor?

Yeah, her plan B if she fails or her exams.

A tattoo parlor?

Look, look, I guarantee that Charlotte will come home

straight after the play.

Oh really. And I suppose you can also guarantee that there'll

be sustainable nuclear fusion within the next six months.

I mean, I was actually reading an article

in The New scientists which said that reading-

Yeah, they seriously think that they'll be able to provide

energy on a commercial basis by 2030.

Yes. I've never seen anything like it.

It's a definite no.

I just want to apologise. I thought I could get some help

with some of those quadratic equations.

What?

It's just that lesson you did on the weak nuclear force,

it was absolutely fascinating.

Yeah. Well, was quite a good lesson, but I didn't change

my mind about Charlotte attending the play.

Mr Merriweather?

Oh, look, the sensible friend.

I've just come from Mr. King's office with a message.

Charlotte's really needed to do the hair makeup for the play.

I'm Mr. Kings personal prefect and he's sent me in

personally to give you this request,

because the fate of the school rests upon this.

So the future of the school hangs on Charlotte's skill

with the curling tongs?

Yes!

That does seem to be the reality of the situation, sir.

Charlotte!

Have a nice evening dad.

Okay.

What do you think?

It's, it's awful.

What?

That looks nice.

Screw you!

What?

Sit down.

What?

What's going on?

Ok.

OK.

You are gonna get a makeover.

Oh God.

You look so good.

Oh, thank you.

So, what time shall I come to your house on Saturday?

Oh just come for like two ish.

Okay.

Maybe we could go to the cinema afterwards,

you know make a night out of it.

There's a Fassbinder retrospective at the NFT.

Can we talk outside for a minute, actually.

Yeah, sure.

You're alright Dan I like you. I like you the way that I

like a bagel with peanut butter and Nutella.

- Was that a metaphor? - What's a metaphor?

Comparative figure of speech, like the city is a jungle or

my love for you is like the...

Yeah it's one of those, yeah.

So that's a no to the bagel?

I mean, yeah, Louis is your best friend.

Who's hungry?

You were just talking about bagels.

It was a metaphor.

Is that like a kebab?

I could really do with a kebab.

Dan, before the show.

- Let's go get a kebab. - No.

Hold on. You were just telling me about

how you're starving hungry.

Yeah, remember?

So you and you're gonna go and get kebab

and I'll catch you later.

I'm fine thank you.

- Starving - I just had a burger.

Lauren!

For goodness sake.

it takes so long.

Dan just asked her out.

Lauren! What a lie!

Well she was doing his hair saying how good it looks

and now they're going shopping Saturday.

See, it's great being you isn't it Charlotte?

I was only gonna take him shopping so that he would

look cooler for you. And then I thought while I got him here

I might as well make him look presentable,

and then he got the wrong idea.

I believe Charlotte I mean, sure you didn't do anything.

I'm sure didn't flirt with him at all,

because that's not like you.

I'm sure you didn't encourage him at all.

You know, you're just irresistible.

Louis told you, Dan has always liked you.

He's just doing this to make you jealous.

How do you know that?

It's obvious.

I've got to get Dan back.

Or I'll never get over my self-esteem issues.

You don't have self esteem issues.

Yes I have, my counselor said so. I've got to get Dan back

just to prove to myself that I can and that I can make him

want me more than he wants you.

Well, I'm sure you'll get him back no problem.

If I don't get him back,

I don't think we can still be friends.

That's another thing my counselor said.

Helen, sometimes you have to realise that the people

you thought of as friends are toxic.

But I haven't done anything, you just said so.

I've got to get him back from you, so I can break up with him again.

Go for it.

He doesn't have me and he won't.

No, but he wants you.

Everything okay here?

No, these two are arguing about boys and no one is doing

my hair. I don't know any of my lines and I'm behind my

revision because of this bloody play.

I see.

They are deeply illogical.

They are impulsive instead of

rational and their behaviour damages those they are closest to.

So perhaps, they're not so different from us after all.

What do you mean by that?

You're not back on to mingling again, are you?

Oh, please don't you two kick off again.

If you hadn't started arguing during the dimension jump,

we would have never ended up in this hellhole

unless you can sort yourself out,

we are going to stay stuck in this hellhole.

I think you are forgetting who you are talking to.

Pardon?

Who does she think she's talking to?

Who cares that you're the deputy head?

We're non hierarchical.

While we're here I am some sort of Big Cheese.

And you are just a little squirt from year eight.

The power is getting to her head.

That's because she's not used to having a head.

There is nothing going on between me

and that other disembodied entity.

How can there have been?

We are disembodied...

Being disembodied doesn't stop you from mingling.

Ow!

Shut up!

You're behaving like humans.

Detention!

Get lost!

What if I did mingle?

I don't understand why are you upset.

Because we are human now.

And we care about that kind of stuff.

You know, I think I might actually like

this being embodied thing for a while.

It's quite exciting.

Feelings, emotions.

You are so annoying.

Can I just say what a coincidence it is, that

the body you have downloaded into is no stranger of mingling.

At least I'm not scared of mingling

like some of you don't care to mention.

Ah, so you admit it?

Yes! He was twice the disembodied entity you will ever be.

What do you mean he? We are not agenda based life form.

Don't believe everything you read in the books.

If we had any books.

Sorry, autonomic response to the human digestive system.

No worries.

I've done some pretty disgusting things myself.

Since I've been downloaded into this outfit.

And you?

Anything disgusting on the cards for you?

Anything that might involve Mr Adamant?

You're pathetic.

Oh!

So what's in a name, that would be so sweet.

But any other name, that which we call a rose.

Where Romeo called... where Romeo called...

You still don't know this scene, do you?

No. I never wanted to be this part, I wanted to be Tybalt and you know that.

Look I'm recording the play tonight for my

drama school application and it needs to be good.

Well get you, Drama-

Oh get you!

McDonald's Tooting.

That's offensive. I'm a vegetarian.

I just didn't think you'd be any good as Tybalt.

Because I'm female.

No because you weren't very good.

That's like, totally like unacceptable.

You are very good as Juliet.

Potentially.

Have another go.

So what's in a name, that would be so sweet.

But any other name, that which we call a rose.

Where Romeo could, where Romeo called,

Retain that dear perfection which he owes

and for that name take all myself.

- Excellent. - Pilgrim.

Excuse me.

I just need to Google the definition of excellent.

I must be confused.

How's the play going?

Not so good.

Like your hair.

Thanks.

Dan, I think I made a mistake.

I didn't really mean to dump you.

So you're gonna undump me two hours later.

I think I dumped you because of my low self-esteem

and that's wrong.

So...

If I had higher self-esteem, which I'm working on

with my counselor I wouldn't have dumped you.

I get it. You could cope with going out with a loser if your self-esteem was high.

That makes sense Helen.

No.

We could still go to the art room.

Times have changed.

You mean there's somebody else?

Maybe.

You mean Charlotte.

I've decided that when we leave-

If we leave. Still no contact from base

about getting us out of here.

When we leave. It would be nice to

leave this funny little world a better place?

How do you mean?

I think that we could help with the confusion

that these young people are experiencing

I seem to be feeling something strange towards these humans.

That would be empathy.

It's kind of when you actually care about

what happens to some other being.

What incredibly stupid idea.

Well, I think I'm feeling it.

Particularly when I think about the mess

that poor Helen girl is making of things.

What's this when I think about her and Mr Adamant?

That would be jealousy.

Most unpleasant.

I don't think we should get involved.

But what if we never make it back out of this dimension?

We wouldn't want to have to put up with the mess between the humans,

I never thought of that.

That would be appalling.

We must do something.

What we need to do is we need to figure out how the human

brain works and then find a way of reprogramming it.

Right.

What we've got to do is read all this,

so we know what's going on in their heads.

You two, science and politics.

You fiction.

You fashion.

You, reference books.

You...

...love and romance. - Romance.

Ooo la, la, la...

Of course.

And you. Why don't you spend a few minutes reading everything

there is to read on their laughable, internet thing.

And me,

Shakespeare.

King Lear... God I'm glad he's dead.

Boring old fart.

Hamlet! Uh, moan, moan, moan

Midsummer Night's Dream.

They're all so annoying.

Done.

Excellent.

I have a headache.

I think I need glasses.

We are all fully informed.

Now we need to input all the information

into a central user area.

Now what? How do we sort out this morass of

passion and pain?

Well, we need some sort of device so that

we can reprogram their emotional responses.

So off you go. Go and source the materials

and then construct such a device.

How long do I have?

As fast as you can.

I'll put a girdle on Earth in 40 minutes.

Make it 5. And don't leave the school, you'll get lost.

Are they looking for us?

Or are we lost forever?

What do you think of that?

That is what they call a mobile phone.

Yes, but this one has some apps that don't come as standard.

This one's called fall 4. You take a picture of the person

or thing you want them to fall in love with

then you take a photo of them.

Like this.

Mingle.

Oh God, can you can you reverse it?

I don't feel like anybody gets me like you do. Quickly!

I love the smell of your foliage.

Okay, so maybe that needs some work.

if you find it within your heart to love me back! I really would-

Get a grip.

I'm sorry! Mindful breathing.

Mindful

Well, at least we know it works.

Of course it works.

And now the scones are ready.

They must have a nice crusty top,

glowing golden brown.

Absolutely delicious.

Now, always best to eat them when they are warm.

Isn't there anything else on?

I'm quite enjoying it.

I think I'd like scones.

They look delicious.

I'm very fond of these crisps.

Helen!

Helen, hi.

Can I er...

...can I borrow you for a second?

I'm going to need you to be completely frank with me.

Is that okay?

Okay, are you sure?

Yes, absolutely.

Okay, go ahead.

I am aware that there have been certain rumors circulating

the school regarding a certain relationship

between myself and Miss Tchaikova.

Is that right?

And what's the latest on these rumors?

Sir, is this appropriate?

Yes, no, sorry.

I just really need to know.

That she moved on to Mr. Adamant.

And am I thought to be upset?

Very.

Can I just say sir you're acting a bit strange,

not your usual self.

Not as authoritative.

Thank you.

No, no problem at all.

Shh.

Mingle.

I've got a plan, for my dear not so disembodied Veronika.

It will put her off mingling forever.

She is going to find herself irresistibly attracted to.

What was the word she used again?

Ridiculous and blob.

The ridiculous Hugh Jass, blob.

We are supposed to be making things better for the humans.

I knew you'd mess around.

This will make things better.

In the long term,

If you could make him even more ridiculous,

just to emphasize the point.

Okay. If you say so.

Now, to the humans and their pain.

I feel empathy for the pain and confusion of...

...this female being

and I want a particular male being to find her

irresistibly attractive.

How will I know which male being? They all look the same.

This one's easy for he has a very unusual name.

Dan.

Louis, I think there's something I better tell you

just in case you hear from someone else.

What?

You'll never guess who just asked me out.

Who?

Dan.

Dan?

Mingle

You alright?

Yeah, I just need to get some fresh air.

Do you need a hand, do you want me to come with you?

No. I'm fine.

Helen!

Are you okay?

Yeah fine. Don't worry about that.

You need to understand Charlotte is trying to lure me into

the art room to make out with her

Nightmare.

Yes it is. Because I don't want to go

to the art room with Charlotte.

Well that's a first for any member of the male gender.

I don't want to go to the art room with

Charlotte because it's you I want to be with.

Funny.

Charlotte makes everyone think she's so amazing but,

but she's not you know, when you get to know her, she's just she's just boring.

You're like, deep, you know.

And of course, being deep has always been top of your list

of requirements in a girlfriend hasn't it? Along with big

eyes, a cute butt and a winning smile.

Yes, er deep like the sea.

Deep like a Kentucky Fried family bucket.

What?

When I'm with you, I feel like a different person Helen,

you know, when I'm with Charlotte, I go all shivery.

Charlotte put you up to this thing, didn't she?

She told you I was sick of everybody fancying her.

She sent you to pretend to fancy me in a completely

unconvincing attempt to make me feel better.

No, that's not what happened.

Well, the only other explanation for this

is you're on something, hallucinatory.

Look, let's just go and tell Charlotte,

this is all been a huge mistake.

Oh and that's going to work out amazing, isn't it?

Yes. Where are you going? -

Stop following me and tell Charlotte I'm blocking her on everything.

Helen!

Because you're absolutely right. She's a shallow, silly

airhead. I don't know why we were ever friends.

Baby...

Please.

Helen.

No.

And now they kiss.

I am not doing that. We've never done that before.

As I said before, I'm just trying to get

some chemistry going between the two of you.

Chemistry! You mean like sex. This play is like,

actually disgusting, encouraging under-age sex.

What's she on about?

Romeo is pressuring Juliet into relationship that

she isn't ready for

The parents are right. The plays are wrong

Right, only no one can see it because it's Shakespeare.

The school governors have approved as long as we deal with

the sexual aspects discreetly. Everything will be fine.

No one is going to understand what's going on anyway.

Except with all the fighting Of course.

Okay, great fighting and sex.

What kind of message does that give out?

It's actually totally inappropriate. In an

age of teenage pregnancies and knife crime.

I think that we should boycott it.

Shut up!

Don't tell me to shut up.

Stop that!

You're only saying this because you don't know your lines.

Stop it!

What is boycott?

Refusal to cooperate with a group of policy

- Boycott, I love it. - Let's do it.

Boycott, boycott, Boycott!

No one cares what it's about. You can be as racist,

sexist, sadist, masochist, whatever-ist,

as long as by it's by William bloody Shakespeare. Okay?

I'm not doing it.

I think we should cut down on the sex stuff,

but keep in the fighting

No, we need to do some rewrites make it more acceptable.

Well I'm not doing it if we change it to some rubbish about gender stereotypes.

The curtain goes up in 2 hours.

It's complete crap.

What do you think guys? Do a story of two kids who are

pressured into a relationship that they're far too young for

by society's pressures and outdated paternalistic concepts

which disempower them, or as a play about two kids who are

smart enough to see through the sexual stereotype bullshit.

Yeah, that one. The see through the bullshit.

I wish someone would have brought this up earlier.

I mean, we could get the stand-in Juliet to do it.

I only know up to page 26...

Sorry, could you er, could you project a little more?

I only know up to page 26.

I never though I'd actually ever have to do it.

Fine. If we won't do the play as it is,

we'll have to change it. A bit.

A lot.

Hello, Veronika.

I wonder if could see you

for a moment in the heads office.

Oh, yes yes. I'll be there as soon as I can.

That's got to go. That's got to go.

It's gonna last 10 minutes at the rate you're going.

Great we can be at the after- party by half 8.

A couple of speeches, a few fights and it will all be over.

We just need to come to some sort of compromise.

I don't feel like I'm being heard.

Oh, Jesus. Whenever was that a possibility?

As usual the loudest male voices

are the ones that prevail.

So sorry, Lauren, this is all getting a little hysterical,

Hysterical! There you go again,

that's the word they use to disempower angry women.

Out of control.

I was expressing my views about how the play should be

adapted for a young 21st century audience.

Which we will all love to hear more about.

So the Montagues and the Capulets are both secretly relieved

when Romeo and Juliet fall for each other?

Because they haven't shown much sign of conforming to

traditional gender stereotypes.

And at first, I think it's because they're in love.

And that's what everyone expects.

But then they realised that they're both gender fluid,

and they're not really in the hetero phase at the moment.

So what happened to the feud between

the Capulets and the Montagues? There's no conflict,

Maybe like, the Montagues are like Daily Mail reader types,

who think that they should conform you know, get on with it.

And the Capulets are more like, you know, Guardian reader

types who think they should be allowed to work up where they

are on the gender spectrum more.

I just don't see that coming to a fight to the death.

Oh, I don't know sir, my uncle reads the Daily Mail

and he nearly killed a man parking across his drive.

So what? A fight with newspapers.

But we've already brought the swords.

So what happens at the end?

Romeo gets off with Mercutio.

What?

Which every one can see that is what he wanted in the script the way it is.

I was thinking that as well. Not that I'm gay or anything.

Totally fine if I was though.

And Juliet and the nurse hook up.

No, but that simply cannot happen.

The curtain goes up in an hour and a half.

OK, well, we're not doing it the way it is.

Sorry.

Hello Veronika, yes.

Oh, yes, I'm on my way.

Sorry.

What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?

How sweet Veronika, but I think you'll find that from

A Midsummer Night's Dream and not Romeo and Juliet.

Come to me.

You called me. Was there something you wanted?

Yes. You.

Oh well, that's very sweet of you to say Veronika,

but the whole cast decided that the play isn't acceptable

and that the whole thing needs rewriting by tonight.

I can help with that.

Well, thank you, but erm, with the greatest respect,

I don't think Elizabethan drama is your area.

Everything is my area.

I do respect your abilities Veronika, you know that.

You know nothing of my abilities.

I am going to tell you a secret you must tell no one else.

I'm in a bit of a hurry actually.

I don't understand. I was getting signal that you

liked me very much indeed.

You're not who I thought you were Veronika.

You are so right. Veronika, as you knew her is no more.

I am a disembodied alien entity that has been

downloaded by chance into her body.

Right, erm, Veronika, you're you're clearly having an

episode. We all do from time to time.

First I was disgusted by all this.

But now I am beginning to like it. Being embodied. And I

would like to share this amazing experience with you.

This is creeping me out a bit Veronika.

And soon, when I am able to leave, you can come with me on my

journey through the multiverse of space and time forever.

Veronika, there is very good medication now and

the stigma around mental illness is so much less these days.

Veronika has never felt better.

Yiii haaa!

Sorry I have to go!

So who's ready for another run through in the hall?

What is that?

There really is no need for this kind of stupid behaviour.

You see sir,

Ahh!

There you are, my sweet.

I could contain myself no longer!

♪ So I'll tell you what we're gonna do ♪

♪ we'll have a party we'll have a party for two ♪

♪ Party for two ♪

♪ Back in town cannot believe it's true ♪

♪ So I'll tell you what we're gonna do ♪

♪ We'll have a party for two ♪

Excellent work.

Well yes and no. That Helen person didn't like it

when the Dan person said he loved her. And the cast of the

school play are terrified of Hugh Jass.

Er, have you got an actual picture of Dan?

Er... I've done a bad thing.

Oh god.

They have located us.

And they're trying to get us back but we can't leave now.

Why not?

We can't leave everything in a mess like this.

And besides,

Veronika has now bonded with the ridiculous Hugh Jass blob.

How'd that work out?

I must admit, it is fun here.

They're contacting us.

- What are they saying? - Shh.

Yes? What are they saying?

- I understand. - What???

Shh!

- Sorry. - What are they saying!

You're breaking up.

What did they say?

That if we're here for more than another seven Earth hours,

it will be impossible to upload us again.

I'm enjoying it here.

But imagine being stuck here to the end of time.

Have you got your head around the concept of years yet?

Yeah, that once around the sun thing.

I think you'd better sit down.

You see the thing is, these things only last

80 years if they're lucky, and they are prone to terminal

malfunction at any point. Any point at all.

What happens when these outfits get knackered?

Don't they download into new ones?

No. Once these things are worn out, that's it.

We need to get out of here. Now.

They have hardly any time at all, they spend most of it

being miserable and then they just disappear forever.

We need to help them make the most

out of the little time they have here.

No wonder they're as mad as a box of frogs.

They just decay into complete entropy.

A blip of energy and atoms that just gets re-absorbed

into this particular universe.

Which in a short time will itself grind to a halt

and descend into complete darkness and non-being,

as if it had never been, like them.

OK, we need to shield ourselves somehow

so we're not uploaded before we're done here.

So, Louis said that he fancies you now, and not Charlotte

It's all some kind of wind-up.

Except I don't understand why they would do it.

But you see, if he is pretending, there's an upside.

You could use it to make Dan jealous.

I could, couldn't I?

So you think he must be pretending? I didn't say that.

You do, don't you?

I think you should go for it.

You like Dan, you want to get him back.

Try it.

Wait! Here I got you these, in case they're trying to take

us back again. They have a special lining to shield us.

Why do I get this one?

Dressing up box. They didn't have

anymore of these in your size.

I suppose we better do the same for Veronika.

We don't want her getting spirited away while she's still

infatuated with ridiculous Hugh Jass blob.

She might stay like that forever.

How about this?

Hmm, Nice.

Can you pass me that lip gloss please?

Sure, sure.

Have you had any second thoughts about shopping on Saturday?

I didn't have any first thoughts.

No. All right. OK.

Louis will be here in a minute.

Yeah.

No

All's fair in love and war, isn't it?

Dan, I'm not gonna go out with you. Ever.

Hi.

Hi.

I don't quite know how to put this.

I've decided this has all been a huge mistake.

I wanna go out with Helen.

And why would you say that?

Because it's true.

What's wrong with you Louis?

I'm in love, with Helen.

Stop it.

I wish I could, it would make things so much simple.

When did you realise this?

Oh, about a quarter past five.

And it never occurred to you sooner?

No, never. Honestly, just earlier today.

What did she say to you?

This has got nothing to do with anything Helen says.

And you expect me to believe that?

Its just, once you get to know you, you are just boring.

Just really boring.

It's just the constant selfies you take

She said that didn't she?

No, I'm saying it.

So what you're saying is you fancy Helen?

Mate, completely.

And does Helen fancy you?

You know, she's getting there.

I mean, I think it's all working out OK then ...

Okay. Okay? Let me think about why this is not working out OK.

- Why is she shouting? - I don't know.

Maybe it's because I would rather shove needles in

my eyes than have anything to do with either of you.

I hate everyone especially Helen.

I think I'm gonna go and see if she's OK. Charlotte!

Freeze!

That's him sorted. I think I got it right this time.

We have 6 hours 42 minutes and 12 seconds to sort this

before we're stuck here forever.

Would you like anything miss?

I think it is time for you to go to playground.

Actually I wouldn't mind a cup of herbal tea.

Yes sir.

Thank you.

Camomile and ginger.

My favourite.

Get out now.

No, no you can't take me away now.

I've never been in such bliss!

What just happened?

I've told you. I'm an alien entity that has been downloaded

into human form. That was a failed attempt at uploading me

to the dimensions that I've gone from.

Yes, yes, of course.

You better put this on.

Thank you.

- I can't watch anymore. - Me neither.

I think I may have gone a bit far.

You are just cutting out all the bits you don't

know. This isn't no gender stereotype bullshit.

It's about you not learning any of your lines!

I do know my lines. I am just cutting out all the bad bits.

Oh, really? Let's just run through

the love sonnet, shall we?

OK.

If I profane with my unworthiest hands,

This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this

My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand

To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hands too much

Which mannerly devotion shows in this

For saints have hands that pilgrim's hands do touch

And palm to palm is holy Palmers' kiss.

Have not saints lips and holy Palmers too?

Saints do not. Pilgrims. Palmers. Something, something!

See what I mean.

Use the prompter, Lauren. Where is he?

- Dan. - She doesn't need a prompter,

she needs a karaoke screen with a script on it.

What's going on?

Isn't it obvious?

Yeah!

Look, Helen, I've made a huge mistake.

Please take me back.

Blimey that worked.

I don't want you back. I've got Louis now.

I'm glad to see you're finally taking me seriously Helen.

You bastard, you were meant to be my best mate.

Half an hour ago. You tried to ask Charlotte out,

so what's happening there?

I changed my mind.

Well, change it back.

I don't like this. This is weird.

Don't be stupid, it's worked like I said it would.

Behave like they both like you.

And then when they do, you can just choose between them.

So let me get this straight, you both love me?

- Yes - Yes.

You know what I think I'm gonna allow myself to believe that.

This sounds fun.

Helen, please.

Helen, please.

How's your self-esteem now?

Good, very good. I can't wait to see my counselor about this.

Oh here you all are.

Helen, can I talk to you please?

What the hell is going on with you and Louis?

Charlotte I'm so sorry I had nothing to do with it.

And Louis liking you this just happened by magic did it?

Yeah, actually.

Oh, by the way, I don't like you anymore either.

I adore Helen.

Me too.

Shut up!

You've always been jealous of me.

Well, I hope you're enjoying yourself.

Yeah. I have always been jealous of you.

I mean, who wouldn't be when people literally

climb over me at parties to get to you.

Everything I've always wanted, you've got even Dan,

but I wouldn't do anything like this. It just happened.

Maybe you're jealous of her because

she's more intelligent and smart.

And all you've got is that silly little nose and big eyes.

Maybe that's what they see.

And that's how she managed to steal them off you.

For what they're worth. I'm sick of you people.

I think Lauren's got a point to be honest.

Yeah me too

One thing Lauren forgot to mention you're very short.

Yeah.

- I'm petite (small in French). - No, no that's different.

No, it's more. What's the word?

Stumpy!

Yeah!

Stumpy???

I'll give her stumpy!

I never said you were stumpy!

Yes, you did.

Ouch!

Leave her alone.

She doesn't need you to protect her. She's got me.

I can stand up for myself.

Oh what now you're not scared of me because I'm stumpy?

Ouch!

Ouch that's not fair!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Freeze!

You screwed up again.

No, you did. Well, we both did.

So, remind me.

Do either of these two actually fancy that one or is it

just us messing with their heads?

Everything's messing with their heads. If it isn't their

hormones then it's the vodka they buy from Budgens. We've

made a bit of a mess of this, haven't we?

What are we gonna do?

Take off Hats off and slip away quietly.

No. I have a meeting with the school governors in 10

minutes with Veronika.

You...

...set these four to default and then see to the play.

I need the device.

I think I've made my point.

Oh darling, I need you.

Default.

- What? - Nothing.

Jeez, car crash or what!

Right look, I think we should work out

who likes who before it all kicks off again?

Come on.

Guys come on, the play starts in half an hour.

The props aren't sorted. Charlotte you need to

check the make up and Louis get to the front of house.

Screw the props. I don't know my lines.

And look at my hair

Hugh

Hugh Jass!

Hugh Jass!

Hugh wake up!

Good evening, Mr. King. I wonder if we might meet with the

director and actors for tonight's production?

Yes, certainly. Shall we take a drink first?

I don't think so.

I can't, I don't know my lines!

Just breathe.

My god they're coming.

Tell Mr. King I can't do it.

Lauren!

He's dead!

This is all your fault. He just had a heart

attack from all the stress.

Somebody call the paramedics.

Cancel everything, the directors dead.

Nope, nope. No, I'm not.

The show must go on.

Yes.

I can't believe it.

Yeah.

Romeo and Juliet.

Juliet's lines, upload.

The show must go on.

My only love sprung from my only hate,

too early seen unknown too late.

This prestigious birth of love it is to me,

that I must love a loathed enemy

That's the bit I couldn't remember before

I've cracked it, I can do this.

That's more like it.

I can do this.

But I'm still not happy about it like this.

Oh no.

Just read it.

I have travelled here from the year 1596.

I didn't know they could do that.

To say we hope you will enjoy our play and not be offended

by it. We realise things are very different in your time.

Young women and men are no longer defined by the wishes of

their parents or trapped by their gender and society's

expectations. Young people are mostly free to love who they

want and that is how it should be. However, although

more than 400 years separates us, this play is still totally

relevant because people are just as mad as they ever were.

OK, go off now.

Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona,

where we lay our scene, from ancient grudge break to new

mutiny where civil blood makes civil hands...

Hi, I just came to say sorry

For what? For being happy and normal?

No for not understanding, I know now what it feels like to-

Not think you're wonderful all the time?

Yeah. It was terrible. Nightmare.

I'm sorry as well for being jealous and thinking people are

stupid if they have a good time.

So do you still think that if somebody likes you,

they must have something seriously wrong with them?

Nothing seriously wrong.

Helen you're wonderful.

No, you're wonderful.

What lady which doth enrich the hand of yonder knight?

Uncle, this is a Montague, our foe.

A villain that is hither come in spite,

So shows

a snowy dove troops with crows,

a young man over his fellow shows.

Did my heart love till now?

Forswear it sight.

For I've never seen beauty, until this night.

This by his lovely voice is a Montague.

Fetch me my rapier boy, what dares the slave come hither

with an antique face to fleer and scorn at our solemnity.

Now by the stock and honor of our kin

stroke his face,

I hold it not a sin.

It is just that this villain is a guest.

I'll not endure him.

He shall be endured.

What Goodman boy?

I say he shall.

Am I the master here, or you?

Oh...

...Louie wants to see me in five minutes.

Charlotte please don't dump me,

please don't dump me, Charlotte.

Today's been crazy and I just-

But I'm vain and full of myself.

And I think I'm wonderful.

Well, that's because you are Charlotte, so wonderful.

That's why I'm asking and begging you please don't dump me.

Well, it would be a shame to waste the keys.

Come night, come Romeo come thou day and night.

Thou wilt lie on the wings of night

No no no no no.

I don't want to lose. I don't want to leave my body

We'll have to leave soon though.

Otherwise we'll be stuck here forever.

I will never mingle with anybody else but you.

Oh I bought the mansion of a love but not possessed it.

And though I'm sold not yet enjoyed ...

So do you think we could give it

another go then? Our relationship?

I don't know. What do you think?

I think that you just wanted me back so

that you can prove you're as good as Charlotte

I did.

And I only wanted a relationship to prove that

I was as good as Louis. I do like you, it's not just that.

Do you even like me?

Yeah I like you.

Just not like that.

More like a peanut butter and a Nutella bagel.

What?

Don't worry.

Sorry

You know, it's fine.

Now I think I'm as good as Louis

maybe I don't need a relationship right now.

What's here, a cup closed in my true love's hand

Poison I see hath been his timeless end.

Oh I do not like this ending at all.

Such a waste of two perfectly serviceable bodies.

To help me after? I will kiss thy lips

Haply some poison yet doth hang on them

To make me die with a restorative. Thy lips are warm.

Oh happy dagger.

This is thy sheath.

There rust and let me die.

So enough tragedy for tonight.

We need to enjoy what little time is left to us.

Let's warm this up!

♪ 7 hours, with my feet still off the ground ♪

♪ Just 7 hours am I ever coming down ♪

♪ I don’t want to go before falling in love ♪

♪ And I want to see with my own eyes ♪

♪ Because sometime I must be leaving ♪

♪ And then you will realise ♪

♪ 7 hours, and I want you here with me ♪

♪ Just 7 hours until we make history ♪

♪ And it makes no difference to me ♪

♪ What dimension we’re from ♪

♪ If you are there when we’re leaving ♪

♪ And then when you’re calling me home ♪

♪ 7 hours on earth ♪

♪ 7 hours on earth, ooooooo ♪

♪ 7 hours, helping everyone ♪

♪ Just 7 hours, and we will soon be done ♪

♪ We have laid the foundation ♪

♪ there's nothing left to do ♪

♪ It’s hard to believe there’s so much love ♪

♪ The rest we’ll leave up to you ♪

♪ 7 Hours, and then we will fly away ♪

♪ Just 7 hours, of living for today ♪

♪ Don’t be afraid to show how you feel ♪

♪ This may be your last chance ♪

♪ You count your blessings light years ♪

♪ We’ll count our time in romance ♪

♪ 7 hours on earth (Whoosh) ♪

♪ 7 hours on earth ♪

♪ 7 hours on earth ♪

Well, can't say I've ever seen anything like that before,

but you know, wonderful special effects and interesting

interpretation of the play. We must ensure that the funding

for drama continues next year. Well done.

Thank you so much.

So, it was all a great success.

Yes it was. Well done.

Well done to you, too.

You know,

I feel like a new man.

So do I

And I feel optimistic about the future.

Me too.

I told you I knew my lines.

Shut up Lauren.

Goodnight Helen.

Goodnight Dan.

Sometimes you want to want something and you just can't.

And for the record, they did find love

with other people. But that was later when they were ready.

You see, I have ways of keeping an eye on them.

From far away.

♪ I can't help the feeling, there's something we can't find ♪

♪ Can't see or hear it but it's always in our mind ♪

♪ This is the beginning of a journey that won't end ♪

♪ Coz space and time means nothing. To a heart that's found a friend ♪

♪ And I know that as the story unfurls ♪

♪ If you really want to see the truth, look beyond our world ♪

♪ And I think there's something out there, I think it could be good ♪

♪ And I know in my mind there's no need to hide ♪

♪ Even if we could ♪ - Are you Milly?

♪ I'll keep my eyes wide open ♪ - A lot of people are looking for you

♪ For a sign from up above ♪

♪ Coz I realise now the key to life is love ♪

♪ I realise now the key to life is love ♪

♪ I realise now what the dream of life is ♪

You had a good night then?

Its been an amazing night. I had a dream.

I had a great dream.

♪ When the love is gone ♪

♪ And the moon shines here ♪

♪ And the shadows appear ♪

♪ It's darkening darkening ♪

♪ When the faith is lost ♪

♪ And the hope in your heart is gone ♪

♪ And the tears dry up ♪

♪ You cannot stop it stop it ♪