Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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♪ I know a guy who's tough but sweet

He's so fine he can't be beat

He's got everything that I desire

Sets the summer sun on fire

I want candy

I want candy

Go to see him when the sun goes down

Ain't no finer boy in town

You're my guy You're what the doctor ordered

So sweet you make my mouth water

I want candy

I want candy

Candy on the beach there's nothin' better

But I like candy when it's wrapped in a sweater

Someday soon I'll make you mine

Then I'll have candy all the time

I want candy

I want candy

I want candy

I want candy

Hey

Hey

Hey

Hey

Hey

Car Radio: ♪Oh, yes it's ladies' night

Cabbie: Talk to me, Kool, baby. Mmm!

There ain't a party in New York City

that can beat this right here, baby--

Good music. I'm loose, I'm feelin' it.

Oh, yeah, this is the life, baby.

This is definitely the life.

Kevin: Crank it!

Lucy: You missed St. Mark's.

Don't worry, baby. I'm gonna swing around right here.

Oh, look out.

Stop honking.

Tonight

Everything's gonna be all right

This is your night tonight

Everything's gonna be all right

This is your night tonight

Everything's gonna be all right

This is your night tonight

Gonna shake it on the loose and crank it up

Gonna crank it in my mind

Gonna crank it up, man

Whoo!

Hey, man, you feel that vibe right there?

You see, now, that's what New Year's Eve is all about.

You can feel the fun like electricity.

Yeah!

New Year's Eve is so great!

It's like everyone just says, "Hey, man"

Baby, is your friend gonna be all right back there?

- He's fine. - Whoo!

You're my friend because we, as a people, are one,

and we enjoy various kinds of food.

You know what it is? His girlfriend

- Driver: Shut up, you fuckhead! - dumped him last night,

and I think he's a little bummed.

Yeah, I'm bummed out 'cause now you're draggin' me

to some stupid fuckin' New Year's Eve party,

and it's my birthday.

Well, happy birthday, Doctor.

How perfect is that?

You didn't wanna celebrate your birthday.

Crank it up, would you?

Crank it.

Because I would've thrown you a party, Kevin.

I don't want a party, Lucy.

- I mean, I wanna party. - There you go.

I just don't want a party.

Oh, my God. You do this...

every year!

Every year, you do this.

You ruin a perfectly good holiday

with your stupid birthday bullshit.

Well, I'm sorry that it's my birthday.

Believe me.

I'm sorry that I was born at all.

Oh, fuck you.

Fuck you.

Well, fuck both y'all. That's what I say.

Fuckin' crank it.

Will you pull over? Over here.

Right there. - All right, baby. Hold on.

Crab dip.

Am I insane?

Wh-What was I thinking? What?

Do you realize I got this recipe off a box of cream cheese.

Ugh! I don't even recognize myself anymore.

You know, I hate parties.

I hate going to them, and I hate giving them.

At least when I'm going to them,

I'm not responsible for how horrible they are.

And this one's gonna be the worst.

I can feel it. No one's coming.

No... No... The losers will be here.

All the people I hate will be here.

All my ex-boyfriends

and their new, more-attractive girlfriends will be here.

Throwing a party-- it's like--

it's like an invitation for abuse.

It's like the last desperate act of someone

who hasn't had a lasting relationship

since Junior High.

You dated in Junior High?

Why am I doing this?

Why am I subjecting myself to this?

God, I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, hey, main man,

there's no smokin' in my cab, all right?

What are you talking about? You're smoking.

I ain't smokin' what you smokin'.

That's great.

Hey, main man,

you need to relax.

I been listening to you, buddy.

You way too uptight.

You gotta look around you.

Everybody's having fun out here.

They drinkin', they fightin',

they pissin' on the streets.

It's New Year's Eve. They lovin' the ladies.

A lady go out on New Year's Eve,

she ain't tryin' to carry a burden.

She tryin' to let one go.

Wanna know how I succeed?

Not really, no.

I'll tell you what I do.

See, first of all, bro, you gotta smile...

like this here.

Do that a lot. Bitches love that kinda thing.

They love happiness, right?

Now, number two

Number two, this is very important.

Don't talk about death.

Everybody knows they're gonna die, baby.

Nobody wanna hear it from you, you dig?

And number three and this gonna get you

some booty right here-- You listening?

You feel me?

Music makes booty spin 'round, baby.

The Commodores: ♪Lady

Pretty lady

You brought me in from out the rain

Yeah - Baby

My life will never be the same

Once I was filled with desperation

A solitary man

Here.

What's this?

It's your present, fuckhead. Open it.

Mm!

Happy birthday!

There you go, heh heh heh!

Smoke up!

Cabbie: All right, let's get this party rollin', baby!

Just promise we won't go past Avenue "A."

How many times I gotta tell you?

We're not going there.

I'm serious, Val. I knew a girl...

who got raped on "B."

OK, OK. We're not going on "B," OK?

It's so cool that we are hanging out

with the bands on New Year's Eve.

- When are we meeting them? - I told you. After the party.

So, what about this party? Are there gonna be any guys there?

Does your cousin know any guys?

She knows guys, but they're weird like her.

- Hey! - That's OK.

I like weird guys.

I can get into that shit.

So where's this party, Soho?

- Noho. - Noho? I thought you said Soho.

No. I said Noho.

That's not even a real place.

They just made that up.

That's not even on the map or nothin'.

Well, excuse me, OK? Wherever it is, it's right up ahead.

I love the East Village. It is so cool.

I mean, all the cool people live here!

- Wait a minute. - What?

I thought this was the place.

This shithole?

Yeah. This is the address she gave me.

- You're shittin' me. - No!

This is the address I wrote down.

So call her up.

I don't have her number.

What the fuck you carrying around in that pocketbook?

A fuckin' Encyclopedia Britannica?

I got makeup and shit in there.

Makeup and shit? That's just great.

We're totally fucked on New Year's Eve

with a pocketbook full of makeup

- and this shithole building address. - What should we do?

There's nothing we can do. We're fucked.

Look, I'll call a and see if she's listed.

All right?

You got a dime?

She better be listed, Val!

Oh, God.

Uhh!

Kevin: Excuse me...

Whoa! Pardon me.

Lucy: Hi! Happy New Year!

Hey, baby.

- Excuse me. - Hi!

How's it hang?

Sorry.

You want a piece of me? Huh?

Hey... knock it off.

Ow!

- Hi. - Hi.

- Ha ha ha! - Asshole.

- You used to go out with her? - It was a long time ago.

How long ago?

I--I don't know. Um...

Well...

Um, maybe six months ago.

Six months?

You think that's a long time?

Yeah, I do. I think six months

is a considerable length of time.

Ugh!

Do you believe this place?

Do you think six months is a long time

to have broken up with somebody?

Oh, I guess...

if it's a clean break.

I brought you some matches.

He used to go out with the slutty girl

that's throwing this party tonight.

You went out with her?

Look, the only reason I said we would go

is because she's afraid no one's gonna turn up.

You spoke to her?

Yes, when she invited me.

Do you think she's right about no one showing up?

Well, I'm not going.

Excuse me.

Right back.

See how fun this is? This is so fun.

Whoo!

I think that bartender likes you.

Pfft! He doesn't like me. He likes you.

Really? Do you think so?

He is dreamy, sex-bomb cute.

Yeah, he's adorable.

Hey, man...

Hey! Man!

You're a fox.

Don't sell yourself short, sir.

The night's young.

He's gotta be depressed

working on New Year's Eve.

I'm gonna invite him to this party.

Everyone's depressed on New Year's Eve.

Only you are depressed on New Year's Eve.

I'm having a great time. See?

Drinking, fighting, loving the ladies?

What are you talking about?

It's the obligation to enjoy yourself.

That's what does it. Every year,

it's the same, desperate scrambling around

to surround yourself with as many people as possible,

go to some stupid party, pretend to be happy,

when really your girlfriend just left you,

and you have no career.

Are you gonna be like this all night?

Yeah.

Taxi!

Thank...

you.

Hi. Uh...

No, thanks, anyway, heh.

Wait! Uh...

No. No. You go ahead.

You go pick up somebody else.

I'll be OK.

Uh, excuse me, baby girl...

You seem to be experiencing a little indecision.

I do?

Yeah. You have this whole ambivalent vibe

radiating from your persona. Something is wrong, mama.

Oh, I ju--oh!

- Hmm. - Oops.

I, uh...

I'm sorry.

It's just this guy, you know?

Always is, baby.

Yeah, I was at this party...

and I saw him there...

and he was just... so...

Heh, anyway, I- - I ended up going home with him,

and I've never done anything like that before,

so now I just want everything

to be perfect, you know? And...

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this.

Baby, come here for a second.

Sweetheart, you know what you need to do?

You need to get in this cab.

I--I do?

You've gotta say yes to your destiny.

- I do? - Yeah!

Life's happenin' right now, baby.

Look around you. Look around you.

There go some life, and over there, too.

Come on, mama... live!

Live tonight! Say yes.

Come on.

Uh... yes.

Say it loud.

Yes! Ha ha ha!

Come on, like you feel it. Come on, baby.

- Yes! - There you go.

Get in this cab. Destiny awaits.

OK.

What time is it?

Almost 08:30.

Oh.

"Caitlyn. Call me."

Look, I've had it with him,

and I'm not letting him push me into

this old girlfriend, party thing.

Absolutely not.

They only broke up six months ago, right?

Please, they're practically still going out.

Too bad, in a way.

He was the most successful artist

I've dated this year,

and he was kind of nice, you know?

Please. He was too nice.

Going out with him was, like, take your medicine.

Huh. And then...

he takes me to his gallery today

to see his new show.

And it sucks.

Ah! It sucked?

Yes. I can't even tell you.

You wouldn't even believe his work, OK?

It's like... big, abstract vaginas.

- Or something. - Ugh.

I hate abstract.

But at least he has a gallery.

I mean, that's something.

Also...

he's really bad in bed.

He's bad in bed?

He's the worst.

Oh.

OK, so, this is the address...

so you can check it out after work.

I think there's gonna be a lot of people there.

I mean, I'm gonna be there.

Um with him.

Oh. OK.

I mean, I don't mean I'm "with him"

because we're just friends,

and we're not together...

Shit! Do you think he even heard me?

It's inevitable, you know?

You let somebody move in with you,

you make all these little compromises

to smooth things along, and the next thing you know,

you're on some macrobiotic diet,

you're listening to Joni Mitchell!

- And then you know what they say? - No.

They tell you you've changed.

"You're not the same person I fell in love with."

Well... yeah...

And then they dump you.

What do you expect, Kevin?

I mean, you go out with condescending,

emasculating women.

You need to find somebody

that likes you the way you are.

And who would possibly like me the way I am?

I have no idea.

Now, finish your drink

because I wanna get that guy back over here.

Where are we gonna go, huh?

We don't know anybody.

Well, maybe we'll meet somebody.

- What? - You know,

maybe we'll meet some people.

What are you, on another fuckin' planet?

Val, you don't just meet people on the street.

Even when you go to a party,

you don't meet people. You just stand around,

talking to the ones you already know.

Well, we're just gonna keep walking, all right?

I'll know it if I see it.

It's gotta be around here somewhere.

I been there once before.

- Call your mother. - My mother?

Yeah, she's got your cousin's number, don't she?

I can't call her.

She thinks I'm sleeping at your house tonight.

Listen to me. We are in deep shit here.

We either call your mother for the number,

or we get back on a train to Ronkonkoma.

You are so uncool.

You just stay the fuck away from "B"!

OK, so...

do you wanna stop and get a drink?

I don't know. Do you?

Yes, yes! I do. It's early.

I hate getting to a party

before everybody else, so...

Great. OK... Ha ha...

We can get a drink. I mean, if you want to.

I don't wanna force you to drink against your will.

Do you wanna stop or not?

Sure. If you do.

Look, Jack, we don't have to do this.

I thought you said you wanted a drink!

No. I mean about going to the party.

You don't wanna go to the party?

No... Look, it's just-- it's New Year's Eve.

You don't have to spend it with me.

I mean, just because of--

Can I just say something?

I'm sensing a real reluctance on your part

to tell me what you would like to do tonight.

- Really? - Really.

And I think it's natural

if you feel a little bit awkward here,

you know, considering, but there's no reason

why we can't just go to the party and have a good time tonight, OK?

- OK. - OK. Now...

do you want to go to the party?

- Heh, sure. - All right.

If you want to.

Arrgh!

Let's get a drink.

OK.

Nobody's coming.

That's it. I have no friends,

and everybody hates me.

It's only 09:00.

What, are they all

just walking the streets out there?

Just walking the streets like zombies

because it's too uncool to be prompt?

You think there's gonna be

any interesting guys here tonight?

- Interesting guys? - Yeah...

'Cause I think I'm finally over Lenny.

Well, congratulations, Hillary.

I'm happy to hear it.

And what better night to start over

than New Year's Eve, right?

That is unless you're right,

and nobody shows up.

Well, if they do, you have my word...

any interesting guy walks through that door,

he's yours.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

You have first pick.

I'll usher them right over to you.

OK, but not in an obvious way.

I don't wanna look desperate.

Desperate? You could stand there naked

with a mattress strapped to your back

and still look like a vestal virgin.

Do you think that would work?

Where do they get these people?

You know?

Hey, Luce...

I can't believe how drunk I am.

You're hiding it well.

You're right about New Year's Eve.

It sucks.

That bartender

doesn't even know I'm alive.

He has ceased refilling the peanut bowl.

Hey!

Can I get some penis over here?

What were you two doing back there?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

Do you have a light?

You were gone almost twenty minutes.

- No, I mean a match. - Eric, will you relax?

Look, I've been sitting here waiting all this time.

I deserve an explanation.

- Thank you. - Will you get a grip?

Look, I got a grip.

Could I have an explanation?

I'm really bad at this.

Really? I had you figured

for a--for a hardened professional.

Uh, you wanna break?

Uh... look, it's just a game.

It's no big deal. Relax.

- OK. - OK.

All right. Here you go.

Thanks.

- Your drink! - What?

Aah!

Oh, my God!

Ohh! Ohh!

God... excuse me!

Oh, ha ha! Sorry.

I got your, uh, drink.

Oh, my God! Val!

Val, this is it. This is B.

We're on B.

Oh, come on. We're almost there.

I'm pretty sure I remember this block.

No! No, I'm not taking one more step.

What's the matter with you?

Val, you're crossing onto B, OK?

I'm not moving from this corner.

So freeze your fucking ass off!

I'm going to the party.

Something terrible is gonna happen

if you cross that street!

I feel it in my gut!

Will you get a hold of yourself!

Nothing terrible's gonna happen to us.

We're going to a party is all.

Val! Val! Please listen to me!

We are so lost! We are so fucked!

Just please, call your mother.

Come on.

OK.

Where are you going?

I gotta find a phone, don't I?

Well, there are phones on A, you know.

What's up?

Man.

- Mmm-mmm. - Mmm-mmm.

We are so incredibly fucked.

Val?

Val!

Ohh!

Oh...

Oh...

Oh, God.

Ohh...

Oh...

Ohh!

Oh. Oh...

That's just great.

That's perfect.

Yeah!

Ohh, look at that.

Fantastic.

Ah, it's Ellie.

Yeah. That's Ellie.

"Mad Woman."

Ha ha!

She knew I'd be here,

so she deliberately put these up.

Well, you know what? It's not gonna work, Ellie.

It's not gonna work

'cause I'm doin' just fine without you.

Yeah, Kevin, you're doin' just great.

Fucking--

Oh...

Ow!

This is--oh...

This is bullshit. I--

Look, I'm just gonna go home and kill myself.

You want to share a cab?

So I can pass out

and wake up alone on New Year's Day?

No way, man. I'm going to this party.

I've got a date.

A date?

Yep.

What, with the bartender?

Yeah, with the bartender. You should come, Kevin.

You might meet somebody.

No way.

I refuse to buy into the desperation

of finding someone

just because it's New Year's Eve.

It's ridiculous and demeaning.

Life is ridiculous and demeaning, Kevin.

You should have sex on your birthday.

What is that, some kind of unwritten rule?

Gangway, please.

Yeah, it's a rule.

In fact...

Forget it.

Wait. What?

Nothing.

- Forget what? - Nothing.

Well--Well...

Lucy.

Are you--

Are you offering yourself to me?

Well--no, I--

I just thought if this thing with the bartender...

doesn't work out...

Yeah, right.

You think I'm ugly.

Well, I think you're drunk.

You think I'm ugly.

Lucy.

You know I don't have ugly people for friends.

Fine.

This is just-- It's a waste of time.

You're hell-bent on eliminating

all traces of joy from this fine holiday.

...fine holiday!

She said

Hey!

- Hey. - Wake up.

- What? - What time is it?

It's 09:25.

09:25.

Yeah.

09:25.

Yeah.

Why do you think

they're doing this to me, Hillary?

I don't know.

I think I'm finally

reaching the point of acceptance, though.

I mean about no one showing up.

It's kind of liberating.

In a way.

Like...

like coming face to face

with your worst nightmare.

Like facing death.

For Christ's sake,

it's not like facing death.

It's just a stupid New Year's Eve party.

You're turning on me, too?

OK, that's it.

I'm leaving.

What? What?

No, no. You're my only guest.

You can't leave before midnight.

I'll be back later.

No, you won't.

You say you will, but you won't.

Hillary, please, please,

please don't leave me here all alone

with the streamers and the crab dip.

I can't take it!

Jesus! Do you hear yourself?

Hillary, listen.

You want to meet interesting guys, right?

If you stay, I'll give you Eric.

Eric? Who's Eric?

You know, Eric, my last boyfriend.

I don't believe I recall an Eric.

Hillary, Jesus, we only broke up six months ago.

Look, I don't remember who I was dating

six months ago.

You remember Eric.

The painter, the one with the accent.

Remember when we went to a show together?

He does all these big abstract paintings with the, um...

Oh, with the flowers?

Yes, exactly.

He isn't seeing anyone?

Not anyone worth mentioning.

OK. I'll do it.

You'll stay?

No, no. I'm still leaving.

But now I'll come back.

What--What do you mean, you'll come back?

We made a deal.

I know, but I wasn't coming back before.

Now I will.

But--No, that's-- that's not our deal.

Our deal was you're not supposed to leave!

Ohh!

Woman: Maria!

Are you breaking up with me?

I don't know what to say.

I thought everything was fine.

Look, to tell you the truth,

I'm still in love with my old boyfriend.

He's French-Canadian.

Yeah, and I met him... while... I was...

Camping.

Camping.

Ha ha ha.

don't believe this.

We didn't even officially break up.

Um, he just...

disappeared.

Disappeared?

While we were on a mountain-climbing trip.

We all thought he was dead.

But he called this morning, so...

So he just called you up out of the blue.

Just called you up to say,

"Hey, how are you? I'm not dead."

That's right.

Well, that's the most ridiculous story

I've ever heard in my entire life.

Eric, Jesus, Eric--

And what kind of woman are you anyway,

just blurting it out like this

in the street on New Year's Eve?

I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry?

Yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah,

well, you better be sorry, sweetheart,

because you're the one that has to live with this.

Not me. You're the one inventing old boyfriends

and bringing them back from the dead.

And you, with your sordid little agenda.

Well--Oh, I've had it with you.

You deserve each other.

I don't believe this!

Oh, my God. Do you believe him?

Really.

Do you believe him?

Like it's your fault he's bad in bed.

There's no answer.

Oh, my God, there's no answer?

What the fuck is your mother doing

not answering her phone?

I don't know. Maybe she went to a party or something.

Oh, my God.

Or maybe she's down in the laundry room.

Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do,

hang out for the rinse cycle or something?

I don't know.

All right, this is what you're gonna do.

You're going to call this band

and tell them we're meeting them early, all right?

End of story.

I can't.

What do you mean you can't?

I just can't, all right?

Oh, my God. There is no band, is there?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you.

The liar who's been bragging for months

about how we're gonna meet this band

on New Year's Eve in New York City,

when there ain't no band.

There ain't no nothing.

It was the only way I could get you

to come into the city with me.

I bet your cousin isn't even having a party.

She is having a party. I just need the address.

All right, look. We'll go in here,

we'll get a couple beers,

and I'll try it again later.

We don't belong in there, Val.

We don't belong on "B."

We're in way over our heads here.

Stephie, we got money, we got fake IDs.

From where I'm standing,

we got just as much right to be in there

as anybody else.

Oh, my God.

What? What's the matter?

It's those guys.

It's those guys. They're definitely following us.

Are they cute?

- Val! - I'm just asking.

All right, come on, let's go.

Stephie: Excuse me!

You know what?

I can't even tell you how many men I've fucked.

I believe you.

I couldn't--I couldn't even make a list anymore.

That's how many there are.

Lucy, I believe you fucked many, many men, OK?

A lot more than Ellie.

Just drop this now, please.

That's for sure.

She's too busy being expressive

and making trivial performance art

to attract anybody but you.

And Jack, of course.

What?

Well, Jack will fuck anybody.

Ellie and Jack? When did that happen?

I don't know. Three weeks ago, a month.

Recently? While we were still together?

Why didn't you tell me?

Kevin, I thought you knew. Everybody knew.

Apparently not everyone.

I can't believe this.

It must be part of the whole Zelda thing.

The whole, you know, high-strung,

tempestuous,

castrating,

bitch from hell,

make my life miserable persona.

You know, this is turning out to be the worst birthday ever.

I--I wasn't expecting much, but this is an unprecedented low.

Don't try to make me feel sorry for you.

Don't even start.

'Cause I'm--I'm so sick of your shit tonight.

You know what, Kevin?

We're going to that party.

We're going to that party,

and we're going to have fun,

whether you like it or not.

And you know what?

You better pray that the bartender shows up.

Oh!

Wow. That was pretty embarrassing.

I mean, that was awful.

The pool table, the lamp, and everything.

It's OK. I never planned

on going back there again anyway, so.

Jack, maybe I should just go home.

If that's what you want.

Uh, OK. I'll--I'll call you a cab.

We could do it again another time.

Absolutely. Sure.

You know, when there isn't so much pressure.

Pressure?

Yeah, you know.

Big New Year's Eve date thing.

And plus, I've never really done

the kind of thing I did last night.

Taxi!

Goddamn it.

As a matter of fact, I've Ne--

I never really did it at all.

Did what?

You know...

It.

It. You never-- You never did it?

Oh, well, no.

You're kidding me. Why didn't you tell me?

I guess I was afraid you were going to think

I was some kind of freak or something.

So what you're saying is that I was your first?

Yeah.

First, first. Like I was the first guy

that you ever let...

Ha ha ha. Yeah.

- Ever? - Yeah.

Yes.

Wow.

Ha ha. You're--You're embarrassing me, Jack.

I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

I'm stunned. This has never happened to me before.

Well, now you know how I feel.

But why me? I mean, we hardly knew each other.

You know, I don't really feel comfortable

talking about this.

Well, that's OK. I--I understand.

Ah-choo!

God, oh, you must be freezing.

What am I doing? Let me get you inside.

Are you hungry?

Um, what, you don't want me to go home?

No, no, no, don't go home.

Stay. Stay. Let's get some food in you,

and then we'll go to the party later, together.

Are you sure?

I'm--I'm really sure.

Come on. I know this great little Indian place nearby.

You like Indian?

Well, sure!

I mean, if you do.

Bartender: This is where it is.

It's, uh, it's supposed to be a good party.

You guys should come by.

- Yeah. - Thanks. We will.

Yeah, fine.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, he's so cute.

Yeah, OK, it's almost ten,

and, um, we've got to get dates.

What about him?

Please, it's just too desperate

getting picked up by some bartender.

Some bartender? What are you? You're a waitress.

Excuse me. I'm an artist.

OK, so maybe he's an artist, too.

Believe me, he's not an artist.

Will you just forget about him?

We still have two more hours.

Caitlyn, I know a girl who went home alone on New Year's Eve.

It was like she was jinxed for the whole year.

Twelve months, completely invisible to guys, OK?

It was like she was tainted.

We'll get dates.

When have we ever not gotten dates?

It happened to me.

Remember '78, I went home alone?

You were in a committed,

monogamous relationship that week.

There was no committed monogamous relationship.

That was a cover story.

Hi.

I forgot my key.

Jenny, I'm--I'm sorry.

Don't. Love means never having to say you're sorry.

I hate you motherfuckers.

Oh, my God...

Guests!

Thank you, God, thank you!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Coming!

Eric, hi. Happy New...

Year.

Great party.

Oh, come on, Eric. You know how it is.

No one wants to be the first to arrive.

That's all.

How about some food? You want some food?

I made the crab dip myself.

So, uh, where's, um, what's-her-face?

She's not coming.

Oh, she's not?

She broke up with me. Do you believe that?

It's New Year's Eve, and the woman breaks up with me.

And wait till you hear the story she came up with.

Suddenly, she's got this mountain-climbing boyfriend

that everyone thought was dead,

but now it turns out he's alive!

Have you ever heard such a pile of shit?

Well, you know how it is.

You know what we need? We need some music.

Don't you think?

Something Christmas-y, huh?

I hate Christmas.

Jesus, Eric, help me out here, OK?

I'm hanging on by a thread.

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad

Oh, my God. Stop yourself!

Look, I hate the holidays.

I hate the way they're all bunched together.

And I think the whole thing stinks.

And--And it's all bullshit.

Feliz Navidad

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Hey, could we get some beers over here?

Oh, my God, Val, we have to go.

Would you hold on a minute? I'm trying to get a beer.

Val, Val, it's those guys!

It's them. They're coming over here!

Oh, God, those are them?

Come on!

Oh, shit! Move it. Excuse me.

We're sorry.

Hurry up!

Over there. There's the door. Come on!

Jesus, Stephie!

Hey. Aah!

Come on! Come on!

Aah!

Aah!

Oh! Aah!

We're fucked.

Oh, my God.

Oh, hey, how you doing?

Wow, it's kind of, uh, hot in there, huh?

We thought we'd come out here and get some air and just, um,

and, uh, take this opportunity to introduce ourselves.

My name's Tom. This is Dave.

And, uh--hey, man, he has no manners.

Show the ladies what we've got for them, bro.

Mmm.

Beverages. Beer.

Ha ha.

Jack, you're doing it again.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's just, uh,

you know, what can I say?

This is--This is turning out to be

a pretty unusual evening.

Unusual?

How?

Well, unusual, um,

in no, uh, particular way. Look...

Um, Cindy, I hate to press a point here,

but I keep thinking about what you said earlier

about last night being your first time and everything.

What about it?

I wonder, you know, why me?

You know, what--what was it about me

in particular, OK? Being specific,

that made you decide to, you know.

Oh, yeah, OK, yeah, right.

It's, um...

Why did I choose you?

Mmm...

Drawing a blank.

That's--That's OK, drawing a--

You know that they say, uh, blanks are, um--

Look, uh, as an actor,

Cindy, I find myself very intrigued

by people's motivations.

Mm-hmm.

Look, you're--

you're a very attractive girl.

You must have had lots of opportunities.

Especially as pretty as you are,

I'm surprised it hasn't happened by accident,

so a guy has to wonder...

what makes him so great?

Well, one thing I remember about last night was...

Yes.

That you were probably the most...

The most what?

Oh, God.

You OK?

Here, drink some water.

- Oh, God. - Drink!

Drink it!

- Ow! - Here, no.

Uh, that'll make it worse. Have some wine.

Is it better?

You probably ate one of those chilies.

No, it was so big.

Try to keep it in your mouth.

It was so big.

I thought it was okra.

Okra's brown.

What, are you OK?

Mmm!

I'll be... fine.

Eww!

I'll be OK.

Oh!

It's all right. It's all right.

It's all right. This happens every day.

I'm sorry.

Oh!

Oh.

I'll be right back.

That is fine! No problem.

It happens here every night.

The most what?

No, I'm not going to shut up.

I have a right to know.

I have a right to know

why you won't fuck me, Kevin.

Lucy, do you want to fuck?

Because if you really, really want to fuck,

we'll fuck, OK?

You don't think I'm serious.

How long have we known each other?

In the--In the years we've known each other,

have you once even ever considered having sex with me?

Apart from tonight.

You don't think I'm attracted to you.

I don't think you're attracted to half the men you sleep with.

You think I'm a slut!

What? No.

Yeah, you think I'm a big slut.

I don't think you're a slut.

A--A stanky, little ho maybe,

but never a slut.

The truth is you're afraid.

What? I'm afraid.

I'm, yeah, OK, you-- I feel so naked right now.

I'm totally afraid.

It is so obvious.

And so ridiculous.

Prove it.

I don't have to prove anything.

I dare you.

Kevin, I dare you to fuck me.

What? So what, now?

You want to go to some smelly bathroom

and, uh, have loveless New Year's sex

in the stench of air freshener?

Unless you're chicken.

So we got to go back to the club

to deliver this package to my friend Tony.

Is that cool?

Yeah, it's cool.

So, uh, what's in this package anyway?

It's, uh...

Well, it's, uh, you know, it's uh,

it's like I said, it's for my friend Tony.

Oh, yeah? It's for Tony?

All right. Well, I'm leaving.

Where you going?

I'm going to the train station

to get out of here before these jerks get us killed.

You wanted to hang out with the bands, right?

These guys are musicians.

They're roadies, Val. There's a little difference.

I didn't want to have to tell you this

'cause I know you're gonna spaz out,

but the last train for Ronkonkoma

left an hour ago.

Are you telling me we're stranded here for the night?

We gotta book. You coming?

Yeah, we're coming.

Heroin.

Oh, Stephie, you know?

Caitlyn, I'm warning you,

keep your slutty hands off my bartender.

He's not your bartender.

He's our bartender.

Caitlyn, your skirt's been over your head for hours.

Jesus, like it's my fault I'm irresistible to men.

Look, he wants me. Not you, me.

You think so?

Yeah, I do think so.

Hey, guys.

- Hi. - Hi.

Listen, I think it's still a bit early for this party.

What do you say we go get some cocktails?

Eric: For some reason,

every single woman I go out with

ends up breaking up with me.

I mean, why is that, Monica?

I don't know. Lots of reasons probably.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, it's always lots of reasons.

I've never got a straight answer

out of one of you.

Like you...

What was your reason?

Oh, really, Eric, who remembers?

You don't remember? It was only six months ago.

Well, six months is a long time.

No, six months is nothing!

Jesus, Eric, relax.

OK, fine. You don't remember the lame excuse

you gave me months ago for breaking up with me.

I'll tell you.

You like me as a friend, but not as a boyfriend,

even though you found me attractive.

That's not lame.

It makes no sense whatsoever.

I think it makes sense.

See? That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I have to deal with.

These insane leaps of reasoning.

And they sound logical at first,

until later.

Until you go home, sit down,

and think about them.

And then it's like...

what?

Really, Eric, you just got to calm down.

Look, all I'm asking for is the truth.

If you want to break up with me, fine.

Just tell me the reason why.

Is that too much to ask?

I'm stupid.

What are you doing?

I'm going home.

But you just got here.

Eric, please, please, don't do this. Don't go.

OK, fine, I won't go home.

Tell me the truth and I'll stay.

What?

Tell me the real reason

you broke up with me and I'll stay.

OK, OK, OK, OK, I'll do it. Oh, God!

I can't speak for Bridget or any of the others...

Fine.

But for me, just for me.

The truth is I broke up with you

because you were the worst lover

I ever had in my life.

What?

I'm serious.

Even counting high school,

it was--it was bad.

Ow!

What are you doing?

The dress.

What's wrong with it?

The zipper's stuck.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Damn, baby.

Do that to me one more time

Once is never enough

- With a man like you - Ow!

I'm all right. You OK?

I'm fine.

Do that to me one more time

Oh

Kiss me

Like you just did

We're just having fun.

Oh, baby

Someone's coming.

Do that to me once again

Ellie: Kevin?

Hello, Kevin.

I recognize your shoes.

I bought them for you, remember?

Uh-oh.

Pass that by me one more time

Ellie.

Oh, that's perfect.

Perfect. Good for you.

Wait.

That's perfect.

What are you doing here?

I was contemplating using the bathroom, asshole.

This is such an incredible coincidence.

Isn't this an incredible coincidence?

Yeah, it's incredible.

It is incredible.

- Weird. - I can't believe it.

Twenty-four hours ago, you were so heartbroken,

and now you're throwing yourself at her?

Her? We're just friends. You remember Lucy.

Why did you have to bring her to our coffee shop?

It's not what you think.

You know what?

It doesn't even matter what I think.

Don't. Wait, where you going?

Off. Off. Off.

To call my therapist.

You can't call your therapist on New Year's Eve.

I'm staying at his place.

Oh, so you're shacking up with him?

No, I'm not shacking up with him.

I'm staying there until I find a new apartment.

Wasn't there enough room at Jack's?

What are you talking about?

Well, I just happened to hear a whole story

about how you and Jack were sleeping with each other

the entire time we were going out.

Oh, stop it. You're insane.

I've never slept with Jack.

What?

I have never slept with Jack.

I don't believe you.

You know, I just--

I just left a message on your machine

saying I wanted to move back in.

That is so pathetic. Fine. You know what?

Enjoy. Enjoy.

But, baby!

No, don't "baby" me.

OK, so I was wrong about Jack.

Jack?

Uh, hi. Um...

- Cheryl. - Cheryl. Right.

I can't believe you don't remember my name.

What are you talking about? It's Cheryl.

I just--I just said. Cheryl, right?

So, uh, how--how are things?

You said you were going out of town for New Year's Eve.

Really? I said that. That's, uh, that's fun--

It's funny. I don't remember saying that.

You said you'd be gone all week.

Oh, I did say that.

Uh, and, uh, you know what happened?

My ski trip. Ahem.

I was supposed to go on a ski trip

and it got canceled.

You said you were flying to L.A.

to audition for a sitcom.

I did?

I can't believe I was stupid enough

to care about you, Jack.

Uh, look.

Uh, Cheryl--

Just do me a favor.

Don't call me again.

OK?

Jerk.

Good to see you, too, Cheryl.

Hap--Hap-- Happy New Year. Hi.

She's my friend.

Hey, pal, did you see, uh--

Right. Cindy, uh, you OK in there?

I'm just fine.

Great, Jack.

OK, it's, uh, how you doing?

Uh, Cindy, please,

we're making a scene.

Could you come out of there now?

Um... yeah.

Uh, you about ready to go?

Because I think I'd really like to get out of here.

Like right now.

Cindy!

I'm coming.

Please. Please, Cindy.

Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

For reasons I can't explain right now,

I need you to come out of the bathroom.

Come out.

Oh, my God.

You look like you're about to throw up or something.

I know. I look terrible.

No, no, that's not what I meant.

I mean, look, so what, you ate a chili.

It's no big deal.

Yeah, sure, you say that now,

but tomorrow, it's going to be another story.

You know, tomorrow, it's going to be,

"Oh, no, there's that chili girl

calling me again.

Come on. You don't know that's going to happen.

Eww.

I just wanted everything to be perfect.

Because, Jack, I really think you're the most...

I just think you're so...

What? What?

I just think you're a really nice person, Jack.

You think I'm nice?

You are nice.

Remember last night

when I got the nosebleed at the party?

You know, most guys wouldn't even look at me

after something like that.

Most guys.

Uh, why don't we-- why don't we take this outside?

What?

Let's just talk, but outside.

Oh, OK.

Not in--no, here, wait a minute.

No, no, no, no, this way.

I paid the check already.

I got your coat, your gloves.

Ow!

She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll take a tumble on you

Throw you like you were dice

Hey, guys.

Here we go. Whoop...

This is yours.

Can you tell I'm a professional?

Cheers.

Bartender: Happy New Year.

'82, rock on.

Ah, that's really good.

So, no. The answer to the unspoken question.

I won't be serving Mai Tais my whole life.

Tell me about it. I'm a secretary.

That's nothing. I'm a waitress.

That's great.

What would you rather be doing?

Um... well, I'm in my third year of law school.

Law school?

You're kidding.

Bridget: You mean you're not an artist?

No. As a matter of fact, I'm not kidding.

My dad's a lawyer, and turns out

I picked up a little bit of a knack for the thing

off the old man, and--

I mean, that's only what I wanna do short term

before I get out and play the market full-time.

That and buying and selling converted co-op properties.

Condos is something that I'm gonna get into.

You know, you gotta ride this wave.

This is Reaganomics.

This is the time to invest, prime the pump.

I'm kind of nervous. Can you tell?

It's the first time

I've ever been on a date with girls.

It's kind of cool.

Do you guys like to dance,

or do you like Devo or what?

You know what? I mean, those outfits

really feature you guys well.

They're really sexy.

My clothes and those clothes

would look good on my floor.

Seriously.

By the way,

how do you like your eggs in the morning?

Scrambled or fertilized?

No. I'm kidding. That's a joke.

I can't believe I'm letting you

drag me back into this skank pit.

I'm gonna go find Tony.

Yeah, OK.

All right.

I can't believe you let him French you.

Will you grow up already?

Hey! Hey!

I thought you were giving that package to your friend.

Yeah. He went to a party on Avenue "D."

We have to go meet him there.

- What? - Cool.

Wanna dance?

Yeah. Sure.

Did you say "D," "D" like dog?

Whoo!

I'm getting out of here.

Val! Val!

Find romance

Val!

Start the dance

Find romance

Val!

Val!

In boogie wonderland

Boogie wonderland

You say your prayers

And don't, you don't care

You dance and shake your hands

In boogie wonderland

Boogie wonderland

I mean, we're not talking physical oddity here, right?

I mean, the dimensions that we're speaking of,

they're well within the standard range

of normal human proportions.

It's not that.

Oh, the time I fell asleep.

Woman, I was tired.

I mean, I'm only human, for Christ's sake.

It wasn't that either, OK?

Well, what then?

What was so horrible that you never even gave me a chance?

I mean, a person can make progress, you know.

I mean, there's techniques you can learn

and books you can buy.

No. I don't think that would've helped.

So I'm hopeless? That's it. I'm hopeless.

You still have your work.

Oh! My work! My work!

Of course. Thank you.

Thank you. I feel fantastic now.

Eric, look, some things just can't be helped, you know?

Yep. I understand.

You bring me over here, and you tell me

I'm the worst lover you ever had.

And now you tell me it can't be helped.

Look, I'm sorry that what's-her-face dumped you.

OK? And I'm sorry

that you're so bad in bed. I really am.

But most of all, I'm sorry

that I decided to throw this atrocity,

this nightmarish ordeal of a New Year's party

because this is breaking me, Eric.

Do you understand me? This party is breaking me.

Nnhh!

You don't have to get so emotional.

I mean, it's not that bad.

It's not that bad?

It's not that bad?

Eric, we are standing here with one hostess

who's on the verge of hysteria

and one guest--one guest-- who spent the entire evening

coming to terms with his sexual problems, OK?

That's it! That's my party!

Happy fucking New Year!

How could I have been so stupid?

Wait up.

Of course Ellie's gonna show up tonight,

given that it's the worst possible thing

that could happen.

I'm never gonna forgive you for this, Lucy.

It's not my fault your girlfriend caught us

making out in a bathroom stall.

You know, I didn't hear any complaints

when your hands were up my dress!

You know, this is a big joke to you,

but this is my life. You don't understand.

You should be thanking me for helping you

sever a totally unhealthy relationship.

Thanking you? My life

is totally screwed up now because of you.

Your life has been totally dark, evil, and nihilistic

since the day I met you!

It never gets any better.

You're so depressed, Kevin.

The only reason I keep you around as my friend

is because you make my life look great

by comparison.

Oh, thank you. What a humanitarian!

Your life's a rose!

Maybe I should leave.

Maybe you should!

Where you going?

To find that bartender.

The bartender? Well, that's just perfect.

Give him my regards.

I will. Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Just remember, I was the one

that wanted to stay home tonight, Lucy.

Oh!

Jack, what are you doing?

Nothing. I just, uh...

Mm...

Mm.

Hey, you OK over there?

Wow...

OK, let's go now.

Oh.

I guess I was wrong about tonight

turning out to be so terrible.

Yeah. Maybe. But let's just go to the party, OK?

No. Jack, I mean,

I think I'm falling in love with you.

What?

I mean, I... I think I'm in love with you.

Oh... not again.

What do you mean "not again"?

Look, don't do this, OK? Just don't do this.

You don't even know me.

But I like you, and I thought you liked me.

Yeah. I do like you. I like you a lot.

But I like a lot of people. See?

Yeah, I see.

Oh, come on, don't be like that. Look, Cheryl...

Cindy!

My name is Cindy!

Right. I know. I'm sorry.

Who's Cheryl?

She's--wh--Th-- it doesn't matter.

You're in love with this Cheryl person?

No! No. I'm not in love with anybody.

That's the point. The whole topic makes me uncomfortable.

Look, let's just forget everything,

and we'll go to the party. OK? Come on.

Go to the party with me.

Be careful on the ice.

I wouldn't go to that party with you

if you were the last man on Earth.

Come on, don't do this, Cindy.

Oh, go to hell! Aah!

Aah, aah, oh, God.

Oh, my God!

Oh... God!

You all right?

No! I think I landed in a big pile of dog shit!

Eww!

Eww!

Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.

It's not that bad. Really.

It's not that bad.

Oh, leave me alone!

Jesus, I hate you.

You're just such a big phony!

It's like you're not nice at all!

I never said I was nice.

You're the one who kept going on all night

about how nice I was.

Oh, you're so conceited!

What are you talking about?

You think I haven't noticed?

I mean, ever since you found out I was a virgin

before last night,

you've been hounding me for a reason why.

Why did I choose you?

What was it about you? You, you, you!

That's all you care about!

I was curious.

Listen, you think there was something special about you?

Well, guess what? It could've been anybody.

Yeah, that's right.

You were just there.

I would have gone home with anybody last night.

I just wanted to get it over with.

It could've been anybody!

OK, date's over. Look, why don't we

just end this date right here, OK?

That's fine with me.

We'll both go home, and if we're lucky,

we'll never have to see each other again.

Sounds perfect.

Great. Wanna share a cab?

Fine!

Fine.

I bet that Cheryl person hates you, too.

Yeah. Her and every other woman in New York.

Taxi!

So common, so typical, so similar!

You men are so similar in your mediocrity.

You're like a pack of Philistines!

These matches are disappointing me!

Here you go, baby.

I can't be babied, but thank you.

You see what I did?

I said thank you. That's courtesy.

And courtesy and manners are what women know.

Men, you get into a relationship,

and the woman is so willing

to sublimate her needs to guide her man

through the important signposts of life, lovingly.

Very lovingly.

And then you turn your back for 24 hours

and you go into a public restroom,

and there he is, making out with another woman!

Do you see what I'm saying?

Oh, I feel you.

And who do I have to blame? I have myself to blame

because I've dated enough narcissistically neurotic men

to know that you are all just a pack of roaming babies

in search of a giant teat

from which to suck the life blood out of me

until I'm a hollow shell.

What?

Well, baby, all this talk about teats

just made me think I should say something.

Uh, I'm sensing a lot of hostility

coming from the back seat.

Oh, really? That's very astute.

Well, that's not good for me, man.

That kind of energy

damages the plush interior of my cab, right?

And you're blowing a $5.00 high, mama.

You need to find yourself a man

who's secure enough to appreciate you

for the superior woman that you are.

I like a strong woman.

Oh... yeah. Mm-hmm.

And you are a strong woman.

If I was you, I would pull over with me

and celebrate our strength together.

What do you think about that, baby?

This corner's great.

This corner's fantastic for me.

Well, let's do that. I didn't know you wanted

to pull over so soon, but I'll tell you what,

do you wanna make slow, passionate love,

or should I leave the meter running?

Baby? Baby?

Baby actually left.

Mm, mm, mm.

Now, let me see. Did I smile?

I must not have smiled. That's what it was.

Bridget: That was a total waste of time.

Really, law school. That is so yuppie.

Do you believe him going on

about real estate all night?

What is it with guys

where they think you give a shit about their stuff?

Oh! There he is.

Bridget: You think this is too mean ditching him this way?

Caitlyn: Please, the law school thing is bad enough,

but what's with the cowboy shirt and the gladiator hair?

Bridget: Really.

Oh, and you might want to try a new approach.

This whole thing with the matchbooks

is so predictable.

What do you expect? I'm under a deadline.

What time is it anyway?

Oh, my God.

- What? - We've got an hour.

An hour? Are you serious?

Come on!

Wait a minute.

The last thing--

The last day of 81.

I don't care

I don't care

We don't care

I don't care

About this world

I don't care

About that girl

I don't care

Eric: Oh, yeah. that's good.

Oh, that's so good.

You see, it's all in the technique.

Most people, they underestimate the importance

of the rotational thrust.

Eric, you're hurting my skin.

Well, that's just great!

Ow!

You know, I don't think I'm the one

with the problem here, Monica.

I think it's you.

I think you're blaming me for being bad in bed

because you're clearly stunted in some way physically.

It's not my fault you're an emotional cripple.

Well, that's so typical of a woman.

It's all about emotions and intimacy...

and feelings and all that vague ambiguous bullshit!

It's sex. That's it!

Two people in a bed getting off!

Not some ethereal thing out there to embrace humanity.

Look, you wanted to know why you were bad in bed,

and I told you.

You don't have to bite my head off

just because you're inadequate.

Oh, now I'm inadequate.

Mm-hmm.

You think I'm inadequate?

Yeah.

Well, you just take that god-awful dress off,

and I'll show you who's adequate, honey.

What are you doing?

1 I'm gonna prove you wrong. That's right.

I'm gonna have you on your hands and knees

begging for mercy.

Oh, my God!

Are you insane?

Jesus, there's nobody here yet?

Uh, Eric's here.

Eric, right. Hi.

Hi, I'm Hillary.

I just love your flowers.

My what?

Your, you know, your flowers.

Jesus, you scared me half to death.

Wanna beer?

What are you still doing with that package?

I thought we were getting out of here already.

Yeah, well, Tony's not here yet,

so we'll just stick around and see if he shows up.

Great.

Man, that's a cool party, huh?

It's retarded. I wanna leave.

Oh, yeah? Well, where do you want to go?

Ronkonkoma.

What?

You know, Ronkonkoma.

Yeah, well, it's on Long Island.

Long Island, huh?

I'm from Jersey.

Congratulations.

Yeah.

So, uh, can I ask you a question?

It's a free country.

Well, did Val say something to you about me?

Because I thought we were really hitting if off there

for a while.

I mean, it felt like she really liked me,

you know, and, now she's in there making out with Dave,

and I'm just wondering, I mean,

did I do something to offend her?

You know how it is.

Yeah.

It's like when I first met Val, though, you know,

I was like--whoa! This is the one!

This is the one. Because the thing with Val is,

you know, she's different.

I mean, she's just like this little girl,

and I, you know,

I wanted to, like, I wanted to get near her,

and I wanted to be with her,

you know, her big eyes, her big, round head, you know.

I just thought maybe, you know, I was falling in...

I mean, you know, maybe this is...

I don't know. I mean...

All right, you probably think it's really jerky, huh?

Sayin' somethin' 'cause I just met her.

Look, can I tell you something here?

Because this is like the worst night of my life, OK?

I mean, I'm standing here in a basement

on fucking Avenue "D,"

so I'm sorry if you're having troubles

finding the right girl and everything.

But I'm just trying to get the fuck home

before somebody kills me, all right?

All right.

Yeah, I can see that. Yeah.

Please

Don't let this feeling end

It may not come again

And I want to remember

How it feels to touch you

How I feel so much

Since I found you

Looking through the eyes of love

I got you some flowers.

Uh, mind if I sit down?

I'm with someone.

Wh--

You're with someone?

You understand.

What, the bartender?

He's in the bathroom.

He's going to be right back.

You know what? You should just go home.

That's what you wanted to do.

Just go home

and don't worry about me,

'cause I'm set for the night.

Look, you just met this guy.

So?

So don't you think

it seems a little sudden

or something to be--

You are much

more judgmental between girlfriends.

- Have you ever noticed that, Kevin? - Fine. All right.

You want to throw yourself at some guy you just met, it's your business.

I'm going home.

Oh.

There.

Thanks.

OK. Look--

What?

The thing is-- What I--

what I want to say,

what I'm--

Yes?

Yes, Kevin?

Let's do it.

What?

I think we should do it.

You've got to be kidding.

I'm serious. I think we should

go back to the coffee shop

and... just... do it.

What do you say? Come on. You in?

You know what? I can't just leave the bartender.

It's my birthday.

We're practically obligated to do it.

You said so yourself.

Come on.

I dare you.

I dare you to fuck me.

Ain't no big thing

Cabbie: Mmm, mmm, mmm.

To wait for the bell to ring

Deep thing. Tain't no big thing

The toll of the bell

Hillary: Do you mean to tell me

she actually broke up with you

on New Year's Eve?

Eric: I--I was flabbergasted.

Well, obviously she was threatened

by your creativity.

Your work, it's so brilliant,

so powerful.

You think so?

Oh, absolutely.

What other reason could there be?

See, I--I've always been fascinated

by the female form.

Oh.

Take you, Hillary.

You would make a wonderful artist's model.

You have an almost perfect symmetry.

I've been working out.

Ohh, I can see that.

You really seem to understand my thrust.

I guess I do.

I can't believe I almost went home earlier.

I feel exactly the same way.

Can I get you another drink?

Hillary, you should come down to the studio

and take a look at my work

before my next show.

Really? I mean, of course.

Great.

Taxi!

Oh, great. Just drive right past me

like I'm not even here.

Look, can I just say something?

I'm not speaking to you, Jack.

I think you'll feel a little better

if you hear me out.

Look, what happened between us last night is, like,

this ongoing problem with me.

It--It happens all the time.

I meet someone, we go home together,

but then the next day, it's...

What? Next day what?

Well, they tell me that

suddenly they've developed

these feelings for me.

W-What are you saying?

That every woman you go home with

falls in love with you or something?

Yes.

It's like a curse. It never ends.

A woman falls in love with you

and you think that's a curse?

You have no idea.

No. I don't,

because I think you're lucky.

I mean, there are some people

who wait their entire lives

for somebody to tell them

they feel that way about them,

and you, you just throw it away

like it's nothing,

like it's a minor inconvenience.

Well, let me tell you something, Jack.

You are cursed,

just not the way you think you are.

Well, then how?

Good-bye, Jack.

Where you going?

Taxi.

Cindy, wait.

You can't leave.

You got dog shit on your back.

Your dress.

Fuck me.

Will you hurry up?

There's got to be a cab around here somewhere.

I can't. I can't go on.

No, listen to me. Listen to me.

I'm getting to that party.

Do you understand me?

It's my only hope, thanks to you.

Excuse me?

I know it's not much,

but at least Eric will be there.

Eric?

Oh, you want Eric? Fine. I'll take

the bartender/lawyer/real estate guy.

Taxi.

Lady.

He's all yours.

Get away from that cab.

We have an emergency.

Great Jones Street.

Oh, you know, baby,

you better tell me that when we get moving.

I'm a little intoxicated.

It's New Year's Eve. Ha ha.

I can't believe that you are so hard up

that you'd go for that lawyer.

I suppose now you want him

for yourself, huh?

You are so paranoid.

Or maybe you want Eric and the lawyer.

Is that it?

Hey, hey.

Please--Please don't touch me.

Too much hostility.

Can you just get the car to move?

You know, baby, in life, sometimes

you got to stay still to move forward.

What?

Would you like a cigarette?

Yeah.

Yeah, come on.

Here you go.

You know, this song

always reminds me

of me and my buddy Twain.

Twain was my best friend a few years back,

till we fell in love with the same girl.

Mmm. Pretty girl. Foxy.

Anyway, Twain was the smooth one.

You know, I was a shy little knuckle-head kid.

I had no Afro back then,

so, you know, I wasn't--

wasn't smooth.

Anyway, one night I went to a restaurant,

bump into Twain and the girl of my dreams

eating dinner.

I sat in the back of the restaurant

and watched them eat dinner

all goddamn night.

First they had a little finger food,

wine, cheese, the whole thing,

and the whole time I'm sitting over there,

I said, I wish that that was me.

Next thing I know,

Twain bite into a string bean

and choked to death

right in the middle

of the goddamn restaurant.

Mmm. Hmm.

I always thought, it could've been me.

It should've been me.

This song always make me think about that.

Mmm.

Silky ho. I'll never forget her.

So what are you saying, love kills?

No.

He's saying we shouldn't fight

about these guys,

and personally, I think he's right.

Oh, I know I'm right, baby.

What if, for the sake

of our friendship, we just decided

to leave the party alone tonight?

You--

you mean no guys at all?

That sounds much better, doesn't it?

Uh-huh.

You mean, we go home alone,

no guys at all,

even if it means we get jinxed

for the whole year?

That's the kind of sacrifice

I'm willing to make for our friendship.

Well,

OK.

OK.

OK.

What's happening in this cab right now

is beautiful.

It's beautiful.

Is there any way that you can

get this car to just move?

Is there any way you can get out the car

and, uh, move that truck for me?

Lucy: Kevin, don't. Don't.

Just stop it.

Stop it.

What? What? What?

What--What did I do? What's wrong?

I don't know.

I just-- I opened my eyes, and I--

and I saw your face,

and I realized

I can't do this.

What?

You just saw my face

and realized you can't have sex with me?

I can't go on forever

having sex with people

who don't care about me.

And you just r--

You just realized this now?

Yeah,

I did.

So all the years of empty,

meaningless sex

with countless strangers and bartenders,

that's great, that's fine,

but here,

now,

with me,

and bam,

you have an epiphany and you realize

you can't do it anymore?

Don't yell at me, Kevin.

You're fucked up, you know that?

I'm fucked up? I mean,

what are you? I mean,

w-what do you call somebody

who throws himself

into one doomed relationship

after the next when he could be with...

What? What? When I could be with what?

Thank you.

See you.

I can't go on.

This guy weighs a fucking ton.

I knew we should've left him behind.

Hold on. We're almost there.

Are you kidding? We're not almost there.

Did you guys hear those gunshots?

Just get him into a cab.

We can't just put him in a cab.

He ain't conscious.

Oh, aren't we concerned?

Look, he'll be all right, OK?

W-We'll pay the driver

and give him the address.

Does he got any money on him?

Yeah. In his wallet.

I'm not finding a wallet here.

Wait a minute.

Here it is.

Hey, there's no money in here.

Oh, well, that's just great.

I told you we should've left him behind.

God, Stephie, please.

I can't take it anymore.

All you do is complain.

I mean, Stephie,

have you ever thought to look

on the bright side of things, huh?

Did you ever think

that maybe you could have a good time

if you just shut your freakin' mouth for five seconds?

I mean, nothing's good enough for you.

God.

Oh, my God.

What?

This is the address I wrote down

for my cousin's party.

You're shitting me.

No way. This is totally

the right address.

Yes. We're saved.

Thank you, God.

We're going to the party. Come on.

Come on.

Dave, I'll catch up with you later.

Stephie: Come on, let's go to the party.

Elvis Costello: As I walk through

This wicked world

Searching for light

In the darkness of insanity

ask myself

Is all hope lost

Is there only

Pain and hatred

And misery

And each time I feel like this inside

There's one thing I want to know

What's so funny about

Peace, love and understanding

Oh

What's so funny about

Peace, love and understanding

Hush your mouth, baby.

And as I walk on

Through troubled times

My spirit gets so downhearted

Sometimes

So where are the strong

Who I've trusted

And where is that harmony

Sweet harmony

'Cause each time

I feel it slipping away

It just makes me want to cry

What's so funny--

Hi. This must be it, huh?

Happy New Year.

All: Five... four...

three... two... one.

Happy New Year!

Ohh.

Oh, God.

Ow. Ow.

Jesus.

Hi. Hi, puppy.

Good dog.

Good dog.

Hey.

Wake up.

Huh?

Who the fuck are you?

I live here.

Who the fuck are you?

Oh, you're Monica.

Hi. I'm Stephie.

I'm a friend of your cousin Val's.

My cousin Val? From Ronkonkoma?

Yeah, yeah. She brought me here last night.

Oh, God. I'm so hung over.

I can't believe it.

M-My cousin Val from Ronkonkoma

was here last night?

Uh, yeah.

Her and about a million other people.

Well, that's great.

That's just great.

Everybody came and I missed it.

This is so cool.

Oh, and I called my parents,

and they want you to come over

for dinner tonight.

What?

No, it's cool, 'cause I told them

I slept on the sofa,

so you won't get in trouble for anything.

Trouble? How old are you exactly?

You know, 'cause you looked

a lot older last night.

Oh, will you relax?

I'm not telling no one.

It'll be our little secret,

like Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, my God.

You know, there's a reason

why I don't mind lying to my parents.

You want to know what it is?

I bet I know.

I bet you don't.

I love you.

Yeah.

Ohh.

Oh, and it's really cool, too,

because we can spend every weekend together,

and then in June,

you can come to my prom.

Shit, my friends

are going to be so jealous.

is gonna be, like,

the coolest year ever.

Eric: Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, God.

Yes. Aah!

Oh, you love that.

So?

What?

You know,

was it... you know?

Oh, yeah. It was great.

Ha ha. I know.

Oh, jeez. Will you look at the time?

So do you want to get together later?

Oh, yeah, sure,

if I have time.

If you have time?

Well, you know,

I just started working

at this gallery and it's kind of

all-consuming right now,

but, if I have time, you know.

Well, uh,

to be perfectly honest with you, Hillary,

no, I don't know.

The band? What band?

There were--There were actual musicians here?

At my house? Playing at my party?

Here? At--At my party?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I never heard of them,

but that don't mean much.

This guy with funny glasses,

Elvis something?

Elvis Costello?

Yeah, yeah. That's who it was.

Yeah, I heard he had a record out.

Elvis Costello...

the love of my life...

was here...

at my house...

singing at my party?

Yeah, yeah.

He was going on and on

about the crab dip,

asking around for the recipe.

Nobody had it.

It was off the box.

I could've told him that.

Look,

just tell me one thing.

I'm not a vain person.

Was the sex any good at all?

No. I'm sorry. It was bad.

Bridget: Hello.

Hey. So are you totally hung over?

No. I think I'm still drunk.

Oh, that's the worst.

So what'd you think about that party

last night?

Mmm. Do you believe

that lawyer-bartender guy showed up?

He wasn't so bad.

I mean, he was really nice

about us ditching him and all that.

Are you crazy?

What a disappointing party.

Those guys were such total posers.

I'm so glad we decided to go home alone.

Oh.

Want to go for breakfast?

Um...

No. Maybe lunch?

Oh.

I got to go.

Give it to me, baby

Hey.

Guess who reloaded, baby.

Give it to me Give it to me

Give me your stuff that sweet--

I mean,

at least they showed up,

right? I mean,

at least I don't have to spend

the rest of my life

thinking I have no friends

and everybody hates me.

Right? That's something, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, do you got any Alka-Seltzer?

I got to meet this guy Tony

for breakfast.

It's in the bathroom.

Thanks.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Mmm.

Oh, God.

Where are my fucking glasses?

Oh, no. Not again.

Elvis?

All right.

So, uh, can I call you later?

You mean, like, later today?

Uh, yeah, unless--

unless you think that's too jerky.

Is that too jerky or something?

No. No,

I don't think it's too jerky.

You don't?

Uh-uh.

OK, good. You know, uh,

because,

you know, I--I really like you a lot,

you know, as,

like, I like you a lot.

You do?

Yeah.

I mean, I don't think that you need

a lot of time to know something like that.

You know, you just--

You know, when you know it,

you know, when it happens, you know it,

and I know it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah. So do I.

So...

we should go to dinner tonight?

You want to?

OK.

You're going to think this is crazy, but...

I think I'm falling in love with you.

I--

No, I don't think you're crazy.

Hey, man, you smell dog shit?

Did you know that cigarettes

are a shield against meaningful interaction

with other people?

It's true. I read it.

People protect themselves emotionally

by relating to their cigarettes

instead of each other.

That's what struck me last night

watching all those people

standing around with their cigarettes.

Why is everyone so afraid?

Why are people so scared of each other?

Like us?

No. We've never been anything

but totally honest with each other.

Them.

More than this

You know there's nothing

More than this

Anyway, I think it's time to quit smoking.

Mm-hmmm.

More than this

Lucy: So then you'll get grumpy

and cranky and fat,

and you'll whine, and you'll bitch,

and you'll lose all your inspiration,

and you're gonna blame me.

Cabbie: Although I went

to a crazy New Year's Eve party,

after I put the cab up, I mean.

I got pictures. Look here.

Now these two girls in this picture,

oh, I couldn't understand a damn thing they said,

a-and where in the hell is Ronkokomano?

Now this guy here,

he's a famous necrophiliac

with a album.

He kept dragging a dead girl

around the party. It was real weird.

Look at his eyes, man. He crazy.

Look at her. Dead, dead, dead.

This dude right here I call,

"vagina puppet man,"

'cause he kept making vagina puppets

with his hands,

but he's a real talented fella.

I mean, I see big things in his future,

'cause there's a market for vaginas.

Oh, this girl right here

keeps feeding people little weenies,

but I think she want a weenie herself,

if you know what I'm saying.

Uh, now this little girl here,

I picked her up earlier that night, too.

It's a small city, ain't it?

That must be the guy she was telling me

she was so nervous about being with.

Just when he started making a little headway,

wouldn't you know,

one of the ugliest bitches

I've ever seen in my life rolled up,

and I'm not one to call women ugly,

but I think this woman was,

because she had a penis.

Oh, there's Dutch boy

with, uh, the girl from, Rankakomano.

I ain't going to call her young,

but I'm going to tell you this,

I bet you she write a couple love letters

in crayons here and there.

There I go. There I go.

I'm having fun right here.

Almost having fun,

and here go my man right here.

Remember him? This guy would not

listen to me, man.

He got two girls,

don't know what to do with either of them.

You see, big girl right here

wasn't having that.

She got into it with little girl

right there,

and next thing I know,

he's rolling with big girl,

but dig this, right?

Little girl scored with the necrophiliac.

Thank God he brought a live one home,

if you know what I'm saying.

Now this guy is hungry for love or something,

and then who walks over

but my little girl pretty in pink,

and it looks like he found what he wanted,

that is until her nose started bleeding.

Then they was hugging,

then they was smiling,

then they was kissing.

Now I think I'm more pages away from ecstasy,

if you know what I'm saying.

Oh, the guy in the middle,

that's the guy from Happy Days.

I met him, got his autograph

and everything. Uh, Potsy.

The people was dancing,

they was laughing,

if that party got any crazier,

I bet you Rick James would've walked

right through the door. Look at this party.

These pictures here, I'm keeping forever.

They make me happy, 'cause they remind me,

if you relax,

you can have a good time, baby,

even if you smell like dog shit.

See, in the end,

everybody got what they was looking for,

a little love,

and I got what I was looking for,

a little booty.

You can see it in my eyes.

That's my booty look right there.

♪ Wall to wall

People hypnotized

And they're stepping

Lightly

Hang each night

In rapture

She moves like she don't care

Smooth as silk, cool as air

oh, it makes you want to cry

She doesn't know your name

And your heart beats like a subway train

oh, it makes you want to die

oh, don't you wanna take her

Wanna make her all your own

Maria

You've gotta see her

Go insane and out of your mind

Regina

Ave Maria

A million and one candlelights

There's no sin in this

Gettin' dressed to kill

Laughin' down the sun like a jackal will

With his eyes ablaze and his lips apart

He's gonna fill his cup with the love in your heart

And drink it up till the morning starts

Circulate the red light vistas

Get the girls then get their sisters

Pinch 'em up and give 'em blisters

Kiss 'em fierce with all his might forever

Ever, ever

Standing on the verge on the edge of the ledge

Waitin' for me to fall

Then I gotta call that said

Wait, homed-up homie you must be trippin'

You can be puttin' that sippin' and whippin'

Up in your bippin' you better stand tall

Fool, you was born to ball

Took a little fall and now you want to end it all

Yo, rock this and slam dance to this

Move back when you see us in the mosh pits

Smash some, we might have female rap stompin'

Crack more heads over them backs

You and your man floated Tales from the Crypt

Rocky Horror couldn't pitch it away

Come on

Get your goosebumps tinglin'

Out of the darkness spark this

Total chaos marked skin the hardest

Nothing could save us all that is sacred

Dearly departed Brave heart slave contained

Something courageous The road rats explode

New rigors that devour

Don't cry for me I'm proud, drunk off the power

The power, the power

Who's gonna cry

For ya

Who's gonna cry

Over you

You think you're infamous Mark remains untamed

And you out for the cash like you out for the fame

Lay back on the stack down the Kodiak

Right in my rap's head Hold that

Look out We saw the sound blast

But none heard the sound of the blast

The man's out of control

The system bounced back

But he cracked up Verbal assault

Quick to lash out

You're stunned momentarily dropped

Seconds after

Then when you least expect it

You understand there is no exit

Hey, yo

Who's gonna cry

For ya

Who's gonna cry

Two dozen other dirty lovers

Must be a sucker for it

Cracked up but I don't need my mother

Just hold my hand while I come

To a decision on it

Sooner or later

Your legs give way you hit the ground

Save it for later

Don't run away and let me down

Sooner or later

You hit the deck you get found out

Save it for later

Don't run away, run away

And let me down

Don't run away, run away and let me down

Don't run away, run away

Run away, run away

Run away, run away, run away

Disco Cab Driver: If you remember anything

that I tell you, remember this:

James Brown is the baddest motherfucker in show business.