Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, the performance will begin in two minutes. Thank you.

Please take your seats. Thank you, ladies and gentleman. The performance will start.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Ron Anderson!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It's important to understand the kind of damage that physical violence can do to the head.

And Mr Perkins here has kindly volunteered to help me demonstrate.

This, for example... will do no real damage.

Whereas this... could result in some minor superficial bruises.

And of course... this

will certainly break a bone or two.

Whereas...

an iron bar...

will result in certain death... as in this case.

- What in the name of arse is going on? - Sorry, touch of hay fever. - Touch of brain damage, I'd say.

You're performing like five kinds of shit tonight.

Get out of my sight.

Don't worry, Dex. Everyone has off-nights.

Once I dropped bloody great stage weight.

Kill two actors. Could happen to anybody.

Yeah, thanks, Charlie.

- How many? - About 30.

Let's do it!

Wilma!

Sorry, Fred.

- Good evening, Mr. Morrow. - Good evening, Dexter.

What a life! Blind and allergic to his guide dog.

- Evening. - How do you do?

Yeah... Hello, Dexter. This is Piers. I wanted to ask you a big favour.

Could you...

Hello, Dex? This is Piers again. Thought I'd just check. I think there might be something wrong with your ans...

Dex, Piers again. Your machine is definitely faulty. Please ring me back. I need it desperately. My number is 735-3...

Is there any water in here?

Ah, try the tap.

Thanks.

Well, speaking of rubber, there's no need to introduce to you our guest this evening.

That's right, it is old rubber face himself.

Please welcome the wacky wonder of the West End. Mr Ron Anderson!

...lotsa nuts in every chunky chewy bite!

- Oh, my God. - Try new lotsa nuts. They'll drive you nutty!

Ah!

- Darling! - Hi.

How is my favourite man?

Oh, well, I'm not great. Television been taken over by Ron Anderson.

Answering machine finally winning its war of attrition against

social life.

And the fridge is so full of living things it looks like "The Muppet Show".

- You poor sweet thing. - Also, there seems to be a...

naked plumber, er... testing our toilet facilities? - No, no, that's George.

I think he's rather sweet. Rr...r.

- Let's get some provisions. - You... Oh, I'd be careful. I'm telling you, there's piece of cheese in there that's actually growing ears.

- George, this is Dexter. - Hi. - Hi.

Oh... Sorry.

A hay fever season, innit?

- Dexter is allergic to everything to do with summer. - Except The Beach Boys.

Mm, I thought we were out of orange juice.

- Shouldn't you have some injections? - Oh, I should, but... I can't stand them... if it was a choice between rabies and having injections, I think I'd give rabies a try.

It's all in the mind, anyway. What you need, sweet one, is a lovely girlfriend.

You used to know lots of gorgeous girls.

- Why don't we have one of them around? - Because I never liked any of them.

Happy?

Pump me... Pump me, Mr... Petrol!

It's called "Birth of the Earth Mother".

I... I am not drunk!

It was the night before Christmas.

And all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

- You've come about the hay fever? - That's right. I want to really...

uh, crack it this year. - Excellent.

Do you mind, if Dr. Karabekian sits in with us?

- No, not at all. - Excellent.

Now it seems that Mr King is allergic to pretty well everything: dust, dust mites, most grasses, cats, dogs, feathers.

- What do you suggest? - Some sort of psychonasal therapy?

I think we'll stick to the straight and narrow.

- If you give this to the nurse... we'll start the injections tomorrow. - Ah, yes, hmm, doctor...

I was wondering if there was any alternative...

to the shots? I mean... really... I just hate those things.

- May I ask why? - Well... because they hurt.

- They hurt. - Yeah. They do.

Oh, very well. I'll give you tablets instead.

Perhaps... some time...

- Mr King will like to come in and discuss the psychological reasons why he hates the shots. - No, really... just because they hurt.

Er... The thought of someone sticking something into me. Drives me crazy.

I think the sooner we talk about this phobia the better.

- It's not a... phobia! It's just that I hate the damn things. - That's the definition of a phobia.

- Do you have a girlfriend, Mr. King? - No, as a matter of fact, I do not.

Excuse me. What is, wait a minute? There's nothing suspicious about it. I just happen to hate injections in the same as some people...

hate aeroplanes or spiders or having electrodes attached to the scrotum.

- Tragic. - Ah.

I think the sooner you come back... the better.

Thanks... But no thanks.

Look, we're a train. Tch, tch, tch...

Do you want... Hold this for a minute?

Oh no worry nurse, the patient is taking pills instead of injections. Who's next?

- I think I saw Mrs Cartwright waiting. - Oh God, yes. Poor thing.

Very well?

All good.

Your Royal Highness.

You can get your pills at the dispensary.

Wuu huu!

Ah, Mrs Cartwright. Do take seat.

Tell me, has any of the hair started growing back yet?

On second thought, doctor, hey, I mean, a few little pricks never hurt anybody.

- Carmen? - Dexter!

- Something incredible has happened. - What's that?

- I've fallen in love. - Who with?!

- She is a nurse. - Oh, that's a good start. - But...

What am I going to do? I mean...

The last time I really went for anybody I was wearing flared trousers.

You must behave like a real bastard.

Men fall into two categories.

Wet and Keen or Bastards. Bastards always get the girls.

- How do... bastards behave... these days? - Really badly.

Take her out to dinner. Bonk her to within an inch of her life, then never ring her again.

- You think that's the correct procedure? - Well, yes! If you want true love.

- Look, can we get on? - Oh.

- How do I look, Mr M? - Excellent. Never seen you look better.

Never seen him at all.

Come on you mean, bastard?

- It's hay fever, isn't it? - That's right. - Good.

Could you roll up your sleeve, please.

It's going to hurt... now.

There we are... Come back in a week.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Did you ask her? - Not as such.

I suddenly felt overawed by her uniform.

Under the circumstances asking her if it would be okay if I bonked her within an inch of her life,

seemed... an oddish thing to do.

Yes. It's a pity about that. Uniforms always make me keener.

- Don't they, Inspector? - Certainly do, ma'am.

Still next week, hey?

Yes, yes. No, I reckon, next week for sure.

Listen, I've sized up the strength of the enemy forces.

Next week I go for first strike... All-out victory.

Sleeve.

- Bye. - Bye.

I mean... Jesus H candlesticks! Four weeks of injections and all I've managed are two "Hellos" and one "Sorry, I'm late."

Oh, come on, it's not so difficult.

Practice it with me I'm your nurse. Come on.

OK. Eh...

- Do you want to go out to dinner? - Yes, please.

- I think she might put up more resistance. - No, OK, OK.

- What are you doing? - I'm playing hard to get kind of chick.

OK.

- Do you want to go out to dinner? - Hmm...

Yes, please, Mr Sexy. OK, let's do it now!

- Ah, much harder to get. - You see!

And... if still you have trouble do what I do, you know, tell her

you're a big West End star, chat her up... The lights, the celebs, the smell of the greasy paint... - Hey, hey, that's a thought!

If you do not get this woman you are a mouse, not a man.

- Say, are you a fan of Ron Anderson? - Who?

- Squeak... - Scalpel.

Clamp.

- My... God! - What is this, Sir? - Well, this is extraordinary! Look.

Here, that's... rib cage,

kidney... spleen...

Absolutely no spine.

- So the patient is... spineless? - That's right... Utterly and totally spineless!

I know. I know. I know.

Carmen!

Carmen, what am I to do?

Ah! I've been going to the hospital for seven weeks now. I don't even know her name.

You'll have to have more shots.

- No! - Yes! Say, you're going on holiday.

- Some of these African places need hundreds of injections. That's right, isn't it, Bernard? - Oh, yes, yes.

He's shy.

- A few more jabs, you'll get the nerve. - No!

- This is ridiculous. Uhh... she's a nurse, it's not like I'm making a pass at Mother Teresa. - I quite fancy Mother Teresa.

- Bernard! - I mean: all I have to do is to say: "You want to come out to dinner?", right? - Absolutely.

- Then shag her till her ears drop off. - Well... along those lines.

- Not too much to expect from Superman. - Exactly!

No time for hesitations... Through.. I...

- Screw Africa too. I walk in there and say, "Baby, I dig you the most." - Right! Screw Africa!

- Morocco? - That's right.

Why do you want to go there?

Why?

Oh, Jeez, lots of reasons, er...

Oh, I think, Joe Orton used to go there to pick up little boys.

Of course, that's not why I'm going there. I hate little boys.

Well, I don't hate them. I just don't feel very strongly about them. I believe, er...

The climate... is excellent.

Very good linen goods.

And they have a festival, I think, around this time of year.

- Colourful costumes, that kind of thing. - When are you off?

Oh... not for quite a while.

Ah, as long as it takes for us to get this... series of shots done.

Oh, it's not really a series. I can give you all five today.

- Five? Today? Eh... not come back? - Mm hm.

It would be six, but polio is just a sugar lump now. And then there is gamma globulin, tetanus, cholera, typhoid and TB. And at the moment we're recommending yellow fever as well.

Oh, it would be six then.

- Now, which arm don't you need? - I'm gonna lose an arm? - No, which arm do you use least?

Ah, I use them both I mean, you know. You know, even when I'm walking. See. Look, look, look, no, no, no. No! Ah...

The thing is, the thing is, ah...

All these weeks I've been coming here... I've been... wanting to ask you something.

What I really want to know, is...

- What's your name? - Kate... Lemmon.

- Horrid name! - No, not at all!

It could have been worse. Could have been called Hitler, or Tampon, or something.

- Kate, we need you. Cardiac! - Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be back. - Yes, yes.

Tampon? No, no! God take my testicles and fry them up with bacon!

Mr King! Hello!

Nurse Lemmon has been detained for a little while, I'm afraid. So I'm going to stand in for her.

- If that's alright with you? - Are you sure you are qualified? - Oh yes! Oh yes! I'm...

I'm really getting the hang of all this now.

Here we are.

Ah!

Oops. Sorry. Never mind.

Right.

- We call this a wide bore needle. - Wide...

...bore? - Oh yes! Big needle. It goes right through the muscles. - No...

- First of all it's a little prick. - No!

And then it builds up, you see,

into a sort of massive golf ball of serum under the flesh.

- Very effective. - Yeah!

Ow!

- Be very careful with it, because one slip, an air bubble and voilà, instant death. - Voilà?

- Ouch! - Don't worry.

- Almost the worst over with. - Almost the worst?

Nurses call this one Big Ben apparently.

And then... Oh, I must get in the right place, mustn't I. Patience... There we are.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

- Here we go. - Ouch, ouch.

- Now! - It's...

They say, the real experts do it without even looking.

Don't you dare!

And finally... the sugar cube... Open...

Oh, Mr King, er..., if you do suffer an extreme reaction, eh...

frothing fit, or a massive neural shutdown? Don't worry. I'm sure someone will bring you in.

- That's... very comforting. - That's all part of the service. Goodbye, Mr King.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

Bye.

Life in the Vatican is fun, fun, fun

When you're a dancing nun, nun, nun

Come in.

Listen, Dexter, is there something troubling you?

Something you want to talk to someone about?

Well, yeah, actually, as a matter of fact there is...

Then for fuck's sake talk to someone about it, will you?

And sort it out before I sack you and hire a lobotomized monkey to play your role. OK?

Thank you, my friend.

The moment you called I thought: "This is it. This is it."

I haven't known what my life is about.

I had a nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown.

Now suddenly... everything is going to fall into place...

with the man on the end of this telephone.

- Yeah... I just thought I'd give you a call. - And thank God you did... Mr Petrol.

If I tell you something... confidential...

will you keep it a secret?

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

I'm not wearing any underwear.

Ah.

- Are you sure that's wise? - Screw wisdom! Who wants to be wise?

The Dalai Lama, to name... but one.

Will you excuse me for one... one second. I've... I've got to go to bathroom... OK?

Why? Why?

Fuck!

- Hi. - Hello.

Hey, let's go.

It's what I like about you. So impetuous.

- It's upside down. - Huh!

- Right. Ha-ha! - [The bill, sir.]

Yes, sir.

- Nice to get to sunny Morocco. - Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

- You're going to Morocco? - Ah, yeah, that's right, I am.

Isn't it where men go to pick up young boys?

That's right! It's a top pipe for sodomy.

- Ah, I'm sorry the two of you haven't been introduced, this is Miss... Mrs... - Kate.

- Yes. Kate Tampon. - Lemmon. - Kate Lemmon, this is Tamara.

Magovich... For the moment at least.

- Oh, you two...? - Well, you know...

- Great. - Great? - Great.

- Come on, lover boy. Let's go singing in the rain. - Goodbye.

Of course I had other men. Of course I had.

Hundreds of them. I wouldn't be human if I hadn't.

But you know...

even in their arms...

even with their... enormous manhoods...

pushing me, pushing me to earth's unbearable ecstasy,

I have often thought...

Dexter King.

Dext, my petrol man...

he's the one for me.

Have you ever thought about me like that?

Will you excuse me, one minute.

Excuse me, have you seen a nurse just came in?

Ah!... No.

- Excuse me, you haven't seen that nurse with er... an orange raincoat, orange lipstick, orange earrings? - You mean me? - Yes!

It has to be quick.

Some old man is expecting my hand on his bottom and I hate to disappoint the old folk.

Would you like to come out to dinner with me?

- Why? - Why? - Yes, why?

Well, I, hmm,... was thinking of taking up nursing.

- You want to become a nurse? - Yeah. That's right. I...

want to be a nurse. My all family... It's a family tradition. My grandfather...

Ah... I thought maybe we could have more time to discuss it over dinner.

No thanks. I really get enough of that around here without discussing it in my spare time. Scuse me...

Ah. Yeah.

I mean, you know, if you'd asked me out because you thought I was pretty or nice,

or anything, it probably would have been a good idea. But since this is just a... professional inquiry,...

it's probably best kept short. - Right. I do think you are... pretty and nice... as well.

See you at six tomorrow then.

- I don't get free till 10:30. - OK. See you at 10:35 then.

Oh! What about your fiancée?

- I hate her. - OK and what do you do that keeps you up so late?

- I am an actor. - But not a very good one, eh?

Morocco... Ha!

Oh, I love this stuff. So mild, no matter how many times you use it, your hair's still dirty.

If you ever do anything funny in my show again, you elongated droplet of dung,

you're out! You hear me?

- F-U-C-K-E-D, out! - This is the Ron Anderson you don't hear about. He's got a big one of these!

- Hello. - Hi.

- Sorry. I'm late. - No, it's alright. Just got here, this second. - Oh, good, good.

Well, so what we want to do, er...?

Camden has everything from... a traditional English to... very good new Greek-Indian restaurant called Zorba the Buddhist.

The truth is I'd really like to go home.

It's been a very hard night and am just so terribly tired.

OK. Well... Not even a drink? I can offer you anything from... Malibu to... something drinkable.

No, I think I'd just fall asleep.

I'm sorry to sound like a feeble excuse.

No, that's... that's fine. I've heard worse.

Look, I'd love to sleep with you tonight,

but unfortunately my flatmate's really depressed.

And if I don't go back she'll commit suicide.

Also, I'm thinking of becoming a nun.

- Maybe some other time? - Yes.

- Do you want to walk me home? Or should I just get murdered on my own? - Oh, no, no. My pleasure.

You know lots of people called Tampon?

What?... Oh, no.

- Although... I did once know somebody called Matureinbed. - Really? - Yes, Suresh Matureinbed.

He was Indian.

Ah, whenever anyone would meet him in school...

they'd say "Are you... mature in bed?"

and, of course, you know, he had to say: "Yes I am."

But, you see, it did turn out alright in the end cos apparently, eh, he, he was a really great lay.

I love this field.

- Oh, is this where you live? - Mmm.

Don't be deceived by the grim exterior.

It's a good deal grimmer inside.

Ah, no, no, no, it's... looks nice... looks nice.

Look, there is just one thing I'll try to make clear. To avoid any embarrassment later.

I'm sure, you know, just because you take a girl out to dinner,

it doesn't mean she's got to go to bed with you.

No, no!

Absolutely. I'm not... Oh my God.

Absolutely not. No!

Yeah, well, the thing is I'm not that sort of girl who believes in that.

I think it's much better to go to bed with the person on the first date... to get it out of the way.

There's no point in us having ten expensive dinners if I already know I like you.

Oh.

- So I'm... I'm off full day tomorrow, so why wouldn't you come round? - Oh, that... that would be great.

- And when I say "great", you know... I... I mean... great. - Good!

Night night.

I like your jacket.

Hi. Come in.

Green and orange are my favourite colours.

- Orange particularly. - Yes.

Sorry about last night. I was very tired.

I'm less tired now.

- I'm not tired either. - Great!

Two people... alone... in the middle of the afternoon... and not tired!

Ideal circumstances... for Scrabble.

Orange particularly.

- What's going on down there? - It's the feathers.

What feathers? I haven't got any feathers.

Certainly not. Duvet. I'm allergic to feathers.

Good God!... You ridiculous person!

Au!

- God, that was... wild! - Oh, oh, it was a wild thing.

Ugghh... and thank God!

because to top all the fun I think you've missed your show.

- Fancy a fuck, big boy? - No thanks, just had one.

Get off... Get off!

How dare you improvise, you diminutive Mediterranean moron!

And as for you, Daddy Long Legs...

I've been waiting for this moment ever since I first made the mistake of hiring you.

You're both... fired. I give you a week's notice.

- A week? - All right, a day then. Tonight is your last night. - You can't do that! I demand to talk to the producer. - I am the producer.

- In that case, you can do that but I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of sacking me. I resign! - Good! In that case you get no severance pay and I sue your arse for breach of contract.

In that case I don't resign, you total and utter bastard!

I hope all of your children will have very small dicks! And that includes the girls!

Well, as you probably all know, this is Dexter's last night.

And I've got to get away at the end of the show, so I thought We'd have the party in the interval.

Dexter's been with the show from the very beginning...

and I know that some of you... some of us... are going to miss him.

We wish him best of luck in anything he chooses to do in the future...

- And the same goes for, uh... - Charlie. - Charlie...

who's been with the show for, uh... - Five years. - Five... five years.

- Anne, have you got the champagne? - Yes.

- To Dexter's future. - To Dexter's future.

Mm.

- What's happened?

- I got sacked. - Sacked!? Oh dear.

That's terrible!

Oh no. And all for just a one night stand!

- A one night stand? - Well, one afternoon.

Oh God.

You are gonna be so easy to tease.

I never thought I'd miss you

Half as much

As I do

And I never thought I'd feel this way The way I feel... - Hello, Mr M.

About you Good morning, Dexter.

As soon as I wake up

Every night, every day

I know that it's you I need

To take the blues away

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

Nothing more, nothing less Love is the best

- What are these? - My pyjamas.

- You wear them again, I leave you instantly. - Oh, wait, no no! These are great.

- They're not great. Look, they're so baggy you could fit two people in them. - Nonsense. They're great.

As soon as I wake up Every night, every day

I know that it's you I need To take the blues away

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love...

I've got to go to work.

- Oh, wait a minute. I'll keep you company. - OK.

- How much time have I got? - About twelve seconds.

No... Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- I guess it's important not to be late. - No, we don't both want to lose our jobs.

Right. Still, there's more to life than being hit in the face with an iron bar six times a week by that man. - Absolutely!

- Mind the tree. - What tree?

- So what were you doing in a job like that, anyway? - It was the only thing I could get. You know life isn't that easy for tall american actors...

in London. the year I got Ron's show, you know, the only other thing I'd had, was playing Abraham Lincoln

in a series of advertisements for... muffins. My career wasn't like a torpedo.

But Ron noticed you were brilliant.

No, he knew I was cheap.

The show was supposed to last for six weeks. It's run for six years and in the end I was still earning less per week than the Coke machine in the dressing room.

Hang on, one second.

Lisen, are you going to be able to get another job?

- Oh yeah. Listen, I hope so. I've got a very powerful agent. - Good!

Going out with an actor is bad enough. But if I've got to be saddled with out of work actor...

- Shoot me now... - Absolutely not.

- I shall take action this very afternoon. - Good.

I should tidy yourself up a bit first.

Oh.

Oh, hello, Mr. King. Take a seat. I'm sure Mary will be with you in just a minute.

Mary says you should have a look at these scripts.

The Spielberg looks very interesting. But the Woody Allen is just a cameo.

- Hmm. Thanks. - Mr Pinter asked you to look at this...

and this is one from Arthur Miller...

but Mary doesn't think it's as good as the Stoppard's one.

Oh, thank you very much!

Mary says why don't you look at this? It's for "Shake n' Vac".

You will be... tall American.

The thing is, my darling boy. It's such a long time since you've been out on the market.

Well, maybe that makes me a... novelty?

I don't know about that. Seventy three percent of actors are unemployed.

- And yet Roger Moore is still in work. - Yes. It's a dark and mysterious world.

I suppose I could get for you audition with Berkoff. He's doing a new play.

"England, my England".

That's good, yeah, let's go for that.

Fuck off!

Fuck off yourself! And the same goes for your friend! Now... Fuck off!

You fuck off!

He said he thought you lacked anger.

- Well, I don't know. I was pretty pissed off by the end. - Yes, I think he's probably insane.

There are a couple of parts coming up at Granada. Not big but at least it's telly.

Sounds fine to me.

Well, let's give it a read through, shall we? Page 26.

I'll read in Bob's part, OK?

Right. I'm driving along. It's raining hard.

Vicious, dark, gray rain.

Suddenly I spy someone.

I jam on the brakes with my foot. I wind down the window and...

"Excuse me." "Is this the right road to Cirencester?"

- "Aye, it be." - "Thanks."

Good, Dennis. Excellent!

Could you try... a little more... mystery?

The only other thing at the moment is a new musical that the RSC are doing.

- What's it about? - The Elephant Man.

- Er... A musical of the... Elephant Man? What's it called? - "Elephant", I think.

With an exclamation mark presumably.

I pity the poor bastard who has to play the elephant.

- Remember dearest, everyone thought "Jesus Christ Superstar" was a stupid idea. - "Jesus Christ Superstar" was a stupid idea. - True.

But, ah... I've got to get something, er... or else my girlfriend the nurse may... begin to sleep with other men.

OK, let's take this once again because it's not quite right. Let's go again.

One, two, turn, three, four and five.

London, City of Sin London, the town we grew up in Just one great big loony bin

Yeah. Someone's singing a bit flat.

Can you all just give me a G.

La... La... La... La... La... La... - Baaaaaa...

- Mr King! - Oh yes. Listen, I am really sorry. I guess, I'm a little...

out of practice. - No. - Pathetic, actually, sorry, just grotesquely

awful. My voice, it might be I'm catching a listtle cold.

Not at all. In fact, Dexter, we'd just like a quick word with you about something.

Perhaps, we can just step in here... a little more private.

- The thing is, Dexter... - Yeah?

We've been watching you very carefully.

And well, we think...

- Do you want to say it, Marc Antonio? - Oh, no, no. Go ahead. You say it. - Right...

- We think that... - Excuse me.

We think we'd like to...

- God! May I please have privacy for one moment!? - I'm sorry, Gavin.

- What I'm trying to say is... - Yeah?

We'd like to audition you for a very large part, indeed.

- In this musical? - You see, the thing is... We feel... you have exactly the quality of...

awkwardness and vulnerability, that we're looking for. - Yes, you are a victim. That's what we need.

You are someone life has crushed and ground into a pulp.

- True... yeah... I'm... I still don't follow you. - Of course.

It would require a massive amount of makeup.

Ah.

Wheee.... wheee!

- We're gonna be rich, rich, rich! - Comparatively. - Oh my God! - What? - The first night.

What am I going to wear? I have nothing.

- Who will I get to take me? - I will if you like. - Oh, Don't be so stupid. You're a total beardy weirdy. - Hey, you know, I've got to get through rehearsals first.

Rehearsals beschmearsals. We all know that acting is the easiest job in the whole world. Don't pretend it's gonna be difficult.

No, well, I have to learn my lines. Get makeup right, er...

Sometimes it's very difficult to know which door you come through.

I'm Jane Highworth. I'm in charge of costume.

I'm Max Fairford. And I'm playing the circus barker.

I'm Dexter King. I'm playing the Elephant Man.

I'm Timothy Hall and I'm going bald. Which is probably why I'm playing Doctor Treves.

I'm Cheryl Heinz and... I'm playing Lady Cranbrook.

You all presumably know me.

I'm Gavin... and I'm your director.

- Right! So I think we might as well jump in the deep end. Let's start with a sing through. - Fog! Fog!

What a dreadful fog!

It gets me, lads.

It's a real pea souper.

Two, three, four, one.

Who knows what secrets

Its darkness hides?

Who knows what horror

May lurk inside?

Reminder before you go, everyone, 9:30 tomorrow morning begins the warm-up. 9:30, thank you.

I have a large nose and I sniff a hit!

I ah, saw you in Ron Anderson's show.

I thought you were lovely.

It can't be easy, being a straight man.

All I had to do was... say my line really and get punched in the face.

- You shouldn't put yourself down. - No, no, it's really that easy, yeah. The part could have been very fully realized by umbrella stand.

- Well, I also think you're going to be wonderful in this. - Yeah, thanks.

It's my first time as an elephant.

Ah, you are very funny, aren't you? I like funny people.

- Are you married?... - No...

- My girlfriend is a nurse. - I see.

- Well, see you tomorrow, Dexter. - Yes.

- Been... Been... - Good night. - Good night.

- London, City of Sin... - How was it?

Oh, it was good... It was good, it's not Mozart.

- Any hits do you think? - Oh well...

- There's a ballad called "Packing my trunk"... - Oh! - Which I think could be very big!

- Very big. You look tired. How was your day? - Not great.

Emergency is always pretty grisly.

A woman I was with gave birth to a baby in a lift.

- Oh, that was okay, huh? - Oh, it would have been...

but her husband slipped on the afterbirth and broke his collarbone. - Holy cats!

Take a deep breath Prepare for the worst The ugliest man In the Universe

Right, once more. And remember, the man is hideous!

- Come on. Let's get going. Everybody into position. Come on. From the top. - Yeah, I heard that too.

What about the actresses? Fallen in love with any of them yet?

Absolutely not. All actresses are... barking mad. You know, it's the first law of psychiatry.

You look in Freud: the actual definition of "mad" in Freud...

is "anyone who has appeared on the stage and is female."

Absolutely not... actresses!

Huh! I like it when you lie.

Roll up! Roll up! As quick as you can! And he looks like an elephant but he talks like a man

Roll up! Roll up! The tent is busting Here he comes! Mister Disgusting!

Wrong door, Dexter!

- OK, from the top again. - OK, back to the top. - Tell me about the first night party.

Are there going to be lots of famous people there?

- And I am going to feel stupid. - Well, no, no... ah ah... no.

It's gonna be a nightmare. Really, hundreds of people crammed in that backstage.

It's gonna be like happy hour in the Black Hole of Calcutta.

Who's going to be there?

Ah, well, everybody. Gavin, the director, the producer, everybody from the cast, Timothy, Cheryl, hmm...

- Cyprus Charlie, whom I have managed to get in the company as my personal dresser. - Oh.

If we're profoundly unlucky, even Ron will be there.

Good! Oh good! I'll put on lots of orange and flirt with him.

Don't you dare.

As soon as he fancies somebody, he starts coming on with stories about his great pals Charles and Di.

It's totally revolting. He uses the queen and her kin as a sexual lubricant.

But listen, I've got to do something, because everybody is going to be telling you how wonderful you are.

I just see it: "The most moving Elephant I've ever seen."

No, I don't think so... don't think so...

Somewhere

Up in heaven

There is an angel With big ears.

An angel With big ears.

And... curtain!

Well...

What can I say?

The entrances are pathetically sloppy.

The first half is mind-bendingly slow.

Nobody seems to have the faintest clue what their lines are.

But it's a bloody masterpiece!

And... to reward you all for being so totally wonderful... Olé!

- Dexter, see you tomorrow. Good night. - Good night. - Night. - See you tomorrow.

You realize I'm falling in love with you... Mr Dexter King?

Yeah...

Uh, it's probably not a good idea.

Love knows not good and bad, but runs wherever the wild heart leads.

- Not a good idea, because you've got a girlfriend? - Yeah...

Well... I've got a husband.

Is he, erm...

Is he, er... Is he... nice?

He's lovely.

Much nicer than you.

Much... much nicer.

Oops.

Sorry...

I'm pooped.

That's fine. That's fine. I'm pretty pooped myself.

Here we are on the stage of the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane where tomorrow sees the long-awaited opening of "Elephant", the first ever musical to come face to face with the subject of elephantiasis.

- "Are you enjoying your new room, John?" - "Yes, thank you, doctor. It's quite beautiful, quite quite beautiful."

- "Excellent, oh hello Matron." - "Hello, doctor."

- "Everything all right, Matron?" - "Yes, thank you, doctor." - "How are you, John?"

- "Excellent Matron, thank you." - Good, again.

- Morning, Mrs Heinz. I hope you break a leg tonight. - Thank you, David.

- Morning, Mr Hall. I hope you break a leg tonight. - Thank you, David.

Morning, Mr King. I hope you...

- Good luck tonight. - Thank you, David.

Have you got the card?

Oh, perfect!

Come in.

- Mrs Heinz, it's for you. - Thank you, David.

Wonderful (!)

Oh! Oh, thanks.

Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you. Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you. Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you.

Loony bin... Act one beginner's call, this is your act one beginner's call, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. ]

But it's a stinking show... But it's a stinking show... No... No... Right.

OK, so wait with the bag...

Are you ready, Mr Hall?

Perfectly.

One minute to the curtain up. Thank you.

Thank you, Mike.

- Beginners in position. - The curtain is about to rise.

Thank you, how kind, I've never had... a toothpick of my own before.

Oh!

- Oh! - This is Frank. - Hello.

(Very sexy. Very stupid.)

Go smoke one...

Go smoke two...

Go smoke three...

Oh my God. This is it.

Go Dexter, go.

Cut smoke. Thank you.

Fog... Fog... What a dreadful fog...

It gets me, lads

It's a real pea souper

Who knows what secrets

Its darkness hides?

Who knows what horror

May lurk inside?

Roll up! Roll up! It's compulsive Roll up...roll up!

Roll up! Roll up! He's repulsive! Roll up... roll up! I hear he's strange as Halley's Comet I hear he makes you want to vomit

Roll up! Roll up! It's compulsive Roll up...roll up!

If you think I'm straaaaaaange

A lady with a beard Take a look over there! He's really weirrrrrrd!

Roll up! Roll up! As quick as you can! And he looks like an elephant but he talks like a man

Roll up! Roll up! The tent is busting Here he comes! Mister Disgusting!

Take a deep breath Prepare for the worst The ugliest man In the universe!!!

I don't know how to reach him

He's so distant Like a priest or a monk

And just when I think he's staying

I find out He's packing his trunk

He is a real man

Not an elephant.

Can he make it?

No, he can't.

Now his soul is soaring

Leaving this world of tears

Somewhere

Up in heaven

There is an angel With big ears.

An angel With big ears.

Thank you... Thank you very much... Thanks...

Ah, thank you very much.

- Oh hey, Charlie. Nice tux. - Oh, thank you, Dex.

I've spotted a woman.

She is like a hungry leopard in full blossom!

Do you think I stand a chance?

I mean after all I am only a landlady...

Yeah, possibly, possibly.

- Darling, this is Mary Simmons, Dexter's agent. - Very touching. - And...

- Kate. Kate. - Ah! This is my wife, Cheryl. - Hello. I think you were really good. Well done! - Thanks very much... Darling!

- Are you OK? - You were wonderful. - Oh!

Hi. Thank you. Good.

Sorry I'm so late. Had some rather special guests at my show tonight. It's difficult to tell the heir to the throne to bugger off because you've got a party to go to.

Hello, Dexter. The word on the street is that your makeup is just excellent.

- Well, what's next? - Shakespeare. - Oh, yes.

- Back to the bosom of the bard. - Yes.

- It's a musical based on "Richard III", called "Dirty Dick". - Any hits?

Well, there's one called: "I've got a hunch I'm gonna be king". Sounding pretty good.

Oh, I mean it's so damn confusing.

One day you're bowing and calling him "Your Highness" and the next you're blind drunk and trying to stick a toasted crumpet down his trousers.

So, anyway, I said: "Where should I send it to?"

He said: "Just stick 'Buckingham Palace' on the envelope, it'll get to me."

- I've got a hunch I'm gonna be king. - King... - I'm dirty Dick and killing's my thing. Gloves, shoes!

Excuse me. You were... brilliant.

- You were just... brilliant. - Thank you very much!

Lovely?

Thank God that's over. Oh!

- You were very good. - Ah.

Although, look at this. I think people could be a little more original with the presents.

Six Babars, three Dumbos and two Celestes. But wait, I'll show you something. Look at this!

Do you want to see, odd, a pig.

What? What is the pig person thinking about?

Well... Maybe they'd run out of elephants.

There you go. Maybe it's so.

- What are you doing? - I'm packing a case. - Why are you doing that?

Because... I'm leaving here and I'm not coming back.

What? What? Why?

Because you've been having an affair with that lady - Cheryl.

If you try to deny it, it will be very grim... It's true, isn't it?

- It's not an affair... - Ah!

Who told you?

Hum, well, she did really.

Tonight, when we were at the party, you went up to her and you handed her a drink.

And... She didn't say thank you. She didn't even smile.

She just took it. You got to know somebody very well indeed for something like that to happen.

Smacked of collusion.

And also now I come to think of it, whenever you mention her name, you pause...

worried you're giving something away. - Gavin, the director, the producer, the whole cast, Timothy, Cheryl, uh...

Cyprus Charlie, who I've... managed to get in the company as my personal dresser...

Those were your only clues?

You said you liked me because I was clever.

- Anyway, I'm sure we'll meet again next time you plan to go to Morocco. - No. This is stupid. I mean... It's over... And meant nothing.

Yeah, but, unfortunately, while it was going on, I meant nothing too, didn't I? And I am worth more than nothing, aren't I?

- Yes! - So.

Bye-bye. Take care.

And by the way, the pig, it was from me.

Take a deep breath Prepare for the worst The stupidest man In the Universe!!!

That's fair.

Hi.

Hi Dexter. I...

Dexter, look, I...

I look for... Fuck!...

Good evening and welcome to "After dark"

Tonight we're having a look at infidelity.

All of our guests here tonight have in some way been unfaithful.

First... Cecil Parkinson...

If you go then I'll be blue Cause breaking up is hard to do...

I've got my pride and I know how to hide All my sorrow and pain I'll do my crying in the rain

So let the heartaches begin...

Well, since my baby left me Well, I've found a new...

...help it, I can't win I've lost that girl for sure...

You know...

Two months ago I had everything. I had a girl I loved... who loved me.

Now...

You and me on a bench... That's what I have.

- I love you, Dex. - Oh, thanks, Charlie.

I know it's not quite the same, but... at least it's something.

Oh my Lord, Mr Morrow!

Mr Morrow.

- That's the voice of Dexter King! - Yes, it is. This is Charlie. - How do you do?

What do you look like? Nice to have an image.

- I look like Anthony Quinn. - Oh.

Have a seat, Mr Morrow.

What subject are we discussing on this fine day?

- Love. - Ah, boys.

Do you want my advice on questions of love?

- Yes. - Yes.

My advice is: go blind.

Best thing that ever happened to me.

Since 1944, every girl I've spent time with, looks the spitting image of Mae West.

- So tearing our eyes out is the answer? - Every time.

Drink, anyone?

Thanks.

I suggest we get well and truly hammered.

I think what fights despair so effectively is getting totally pissed.

Well, it's happening. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life pretending to be an elephant and sharing my bed with a small squeaky pig.

- This is for you, John... and rabbit. - What's this? - Thank you.

- Shouldn't these people be on their shows tonight? - It was yesterday.

Who knows, Dex? Maybe next year you'll be up there.

- Yeah! Best... performance in a role of a pachyderm. - The nominations for the award for best comedy performance are:

Michael Gambon in "Arms and the Man",

Penelope Keith in Alan Ayckbourn's "The Madwoman of Staines",

Griff Rhys Jones in "Whoops Hamlet"...

and Ron Anderson in "The Rubber Face" revue. - Boo! Boo!

And winner is...

Come on, Michael! Come on, Griff! Come on, Penny!

- Ron Anderson! - No! Oh!... Agh!

What???

Oh no!

That is it! That's it. I-T it!

Charlie, did you ever dream of being a West End star?

- Oh no! No, Dex! - Yes! No one will know the difference. - But they will!

I'm, I'm short, you are tall, you can act...

- I can't speak English. - Yes, but... you can drool... which is... crucial for this part.

In that chair you look like... a young Olivier.

Vengeance shall be mine!

- What in the name of Judas Iscariot's bumboy is going on? - I'll tell you what: first you waste five years of my life!

- Then you take the one thing in the world I really care about! - Your bicycle? - No. No! Kate!

- You've stopped my show to talk about her?! - You're damn right. I have. Well, you're welcome to her, Dumbo.

I've never laid hands on that dumb woman.

- You didn't sleep with her? - No, I bloody did not!

I take her out, spend a king's ransom on dinner, win an award for being the best bloody comedian in the history of the world,

and what do I get? Bloody nothing! - Are these your trousers? Yes, they are!

Do no one have any respect for... major comic talent these days?

- This sort of shit never happened to Charlie Chaplin. - Are these your car keys? - Yes!

Why don't you just face it, King. You're worthless and weak,

and the chances of you getting a girlfriend

without the help of a nuclear war that wipes out the entire male population of the planet are frankly pretty remote.

Thanks. Ron, I never told you how much I have cherished your unstinting honesty over the years. This is, of course, your dressing room key?

- It might be. - Great.

Wait, wait. You can't leave me here. I've got a show to do!

Oh, don't worry. You're the best bloody comedian in the world. They'll wait for you.

One last thing. This may just be a rumour but I've heard Prince Charles... thinks you are a toadying snivelling suck butt.

No!

Here he comes! Mr Disgusting!

Take a deep breath Prepare for the worst The ugliest man In the Universe!!!

No!... Ah!

Sorry.

65, 100... Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip!

- Excuse me, sir, have you any idea what speed you were doing? - Yes sorry, I've got to get in the hospital. - Oh my God! Yes, you poor thing!

...

Anita have you got those x-rays for me?

Bob.

Too late. He's dead.

I've got to talk.

- Imposs now. There's been a bad smash on M40, you're going to have to wait. - Wait... But... - Wait, adulterer!

You should get some treatment for that ear before you go.

Oh.

- I couldn't wait any longer. - What do you want then?

You... desperately.

Desperately indeed! What do you know about despair? Look at these two.

This one probably will be dead before the ten o'clock news.

- Who, me? - Yes. Shush.

Would you... at least have dinner with me?

Why?

Because... I love you.

And because... I'm almost forty and I am a tall American... Ah!

Whose entire career consists of playing sidekicks and circus freaks, who doesn't belong anywhere, except... by your side.

And... you're all I have to show for life so far.

- Oh. - Excuse me nurse, but aren't you meant to be helping me?

I am... in some pain actually.

I will help you when I see fit.

You forfeited the right to being treated in a reasonable manner when you made a decision to put a vacuum cleaner pipe up your bottom.

What happened to the ugly actress?

Oh, she's uh, sleeping with the fire eater.

Just dinner?

Now...

- Hey, nurse! - Oh my God!

Get pressure! Get a crash machine!

Damn it! Mr Worthall, go, come on, come on! Dexter, help me! Give him the kiss of life!

- Kiss of life? What is kiss of life? - Get on, get on him, get on him! Come on!

Move it! Push! Push!

- Come on! - Ouch! - Ouch! No, you push, you push and I kiss.

- Come on! Push! Push now! - I push. - That's it!

Come on, Bob! Can't be that hard! Breathe, you bastard!

- Breathe! - Getting there. - Aaah! - Yes, yes! - Yeah! - Yes! - Yeah! Oh!

Wow! Well done, Sir.

Did she say yes or no?

Go on. Or I'll die again.

- Yeah, give him another chance. You are only young once. - Go on. You might be hit by a bus tomorrow.

Please, just dinner. Let me explain.

I was a complete... total... utter... idiot!

Er... I've learned my lesson completely, totally, utterly!

- Just dinner? - I promise.

What?

No sex at the end?

Well, maybe...

Sex? Yes! All right, if you insist!

OK then.

...

I never thought I'd miss you

Half as much as I do

And I never thought I'd feel this way The way I feel About you

As soon as I wake up Every night, every day

I know that it's you I need To take the blues away

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

Nothing more, nothing less Love is the best

As soon as I wake up Every night, every day

I know that it's you I need To take the blues away

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love