Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown Mm-hm

# That's Mrs Brown Mm-hm

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

Eh...

Hello there.

Here, look at this.

Bono gave Grandad this VR thing.

Well, my God, since his life went virtual, he's as happy as Larry.

You'd think he'd no life before it.

Actually, he didn't.

Look, come on.

Seasons greetings to you all.

I'm looking forward to Christmas.

Oh, just picked up the Christmas cards for today - three.

We used to get tons of them, tons of them.

I remember one year we got over 100.

Hmm, not any more.

You get a text now, if you're lucky.

DOOR SLAMS

Oh, now, here's the Grinch.

What was that?

Nothing, darling.

Good morning, Cathy.

Morning, Mammy. Are you all right, love?

No.

Did you decide what you want for your Christmas present?

Yes, a washing machine with a built-in cocktail cabinet. Oh...

Mammy, seriously.

I hate Christmas shopping.

Don't we all?

Who've you to get for yet?

Everybody.

Hello, boys!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Hello, Cathy.

Good morning, Mother!

Mother? All right, how much are you looking for?

What do you want for Christmas, Dermot?

I don't know. Ah, for God's sake.

Guess what I want.

Get lost. Right, I'll be back in an hour.

CHUCKLING: No, she won't!

Recycle?

Ah, that's just a side hustle, Mrs Brown.

They give you back money for every empty plastic bottle you bring back.

I've two binbags full so far.

Ah, it's a waste of feckin' time.

I mean, they only give you what, 5p? No, cents.

No sense, it makes no buckin' sense.

Those two bags'll probably get you 15 euro.

No, Mrs Brown.

Just wait, I'm going to turn those two bags into 250 euro.

Sounds to me like somebody's getting scammed.

So, Dermot, how much are you looking for?

For God's sake!

Just a tenner, Ma, I forgot me wallet.

I knew it!

So what's your pitch?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

God bless ya.

Whether it's waste, paste...

Fuckin'...

So, Dermot, what's...? Hang on.

Let me know when you're ready, son.

You'll be waiting a while.

So what's the pitch on this?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Whether it's waste, paste, plates or grapes, old files, tiles or skates -

face it, everything comes to its end, so remember,

your wheelie bin is your friend.

Bag it, tag it and stick it up your garden path.

Ho-ho!

That's very good.

Thanks, Ma. Er, that tenner?

Oh, yeah, wait and I'll get me purse.

Soup?

Bit bland.

Yeah, it needs more salt.

Here you go, son. Thanks, Ma.

Grandad! No more skids!

HE RETCHES

Hey, Bono, should you not be studying?

Yeah, whatever. You need to put the work in.

Thanks, Sharon.

You'd better pass those Christmas exams.

Don't worry about it.

Lazy little shit.

Not so little any more.

Is he all right? That's not like him.

First Christmas since meself and Betty split. He's a bit upset.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Bono? Come here.

Are you all right, son?

He makes a holy show of me, Granny.

Slagging me in front of everyone.

He'll calm down eventually.

Well, I won't.

He called me lazy.

Look, I've some jobs around the house that need doing,

there's a couple of bob in it for you.

I'll do it for you, Granny but I'm not taking money off you.

WINNIE: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Agnes.

He's so like his father.

You said it, Winnie. Mm.

Mark was always so stubborn.

Oh, well, I think we know where he got that from.

Redser.

No, I was going to say...

Er...

..nothing.

Cathy asked me what I wanted for Christmas.

Oh, what did you ask for?

I couldn't think of anything. Oh.

I bought Sharon a gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow candle for her bedroom.

I wouldn't be into that now. No?

You know how she makes them smell? No.

She uses the smell of her...

Her belly button?

Lower.

Her feet?

No, higher.

Oh, knees.

Higher.

All we need now is for Bruce Forsyth to walk in the buckin' door

and we'll have ourselves a game show.

AS BRUCE: Nice to see you, to see you, nice.

Wait a minute!

Not her meow-meow?

Her buckin' what?!

Well, that's what I call it, me meow-meow.

I've heard it all now.

Well, my mammy told me to call it me lady garden.

False advertising, Winnie.

More like an African swamp.

Did you not give yours a name, Agnes?

Yes, I used to call it St Brigid's purse.

That's cute.

And then I had Dermot and I changed it to

St Patrick's haversack.

Three more this morning.

That's six in total.

You know, if somebody doesn't send me a Christmas card, I wind them up.

You should see the look of confusion on their face.

Watch this.

How are ya, Agnes? Hiya, Birdie.

Do you want a cup of tea? Oh, I'd love one.

That Christmas card you sent me was absolutely beautiful.

Was it? Oh, yeah.

Honestly, it's probably the nicest one I've ever had.

It nearly brought me to tears.

Really?

Ah, sure, it was nothing. Yeah.

What are yous two talking about?

I was just telling Birdie how much her Christmas card meant to me.

Ah...

Didn't send me one.

Must've got lost in the post.

Well, if mine is anything to go by, yours must be fabulous.

What did you write, Birdie?

Huh?

Tell her. Go on, tell her what you wrote.

What was it again? Um...

Dear Agnes...

Dearest... Dearest. Dearest, yeah. Dearest Agnes, yeah. Um...

Happy Chri... Merry. Merry... Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Yeah. And... You mad cow.

Er, you mad cow.

I didn't say that, did I? No!

You never even sent me a buckin' Christmas card at all.

I was wondering what was going on. I thought I was losing me marbles!

Oh, here, see that candle?

I had a sniff of it - it's going back.

You didn't like it, no?

It's not that, Birdie,

it's just that Sharon's bedroom already smells like that.

DOORBELL RINGS I'll get that.

Bono, you be careful on that ladder.

Oh, Father Damien, how's it hanging?

Like the good Lord on the cross, Mrs Brown -

painful and a bit to the left. Oh, ho!

Well, thanks for dropping in.

I-I was hoping to have a word, Mrs Brown, in private?

Oh, OK.

Hiya, Damien.

Aren't you supposed to be doing confessions now?

Oh, er... Er, I am, yeah. This is the...

..the new door-to-door service I'm offering.

So, for penance, Mrs Brown, we'll go with three Hail Marys

and two Our Fathers. Bye, now!

Wait a minute, what did I buckin' do?!

Hey, Bono.

All right, Uncle Trevor?

There's tea in the pot, Trevor.

You've a load of empty lemonade bottles in there too, Granny.

Yeah, they're Buster's. He's recycling.

This is looking lovely, Bono.

Aye, and when I'm finished I'll put up your tree if you like.

Ah, I haven't even got a Christmas tree yet,

but Buster says he's on top of it.

I'm sure Buster will produce the goods.

Ah, well, you're the only one that's sure.

Thanks for doing this, Bono.

You've made an old woman very happy.

You're a good boy.

Try telling that to me da.

Sure, he thinks I'm a waste of space.

Bono, your father just wants you to reach your potential.

And it's normal for you two to be arguing.

Mark was arguing with his dad all the time.

Really? He said they never argued.

Are you kidding me?

I remember one night his dad called Mark lazy,

said that he wouldn't move if the house was on fire.

Well, that night, the chip pan caught fire,

and guess who was the first to react?

Me da? Yes.

Quick as a flash, he jumped up with a damp cloth,

put it over the pot and put the fire out before your grandad

even had a chance to get his arse off the couch.

And do you know what Redser said to your father? "Thanks," I hope.

"It took you long enough."

Bono, your father argues with you because he cares.

He just wants the best for you.

Now, come on, no slacking.

Get up that ladder, you lazy bastard.

I'm getting no response out of Grandad.

Well, maybe he's in a better place.

Grandad could be seriously ill, Mrs Brown.

Does he look sick to you?

Now that you mention it, no.

His arthritis has improved.

Well, I can tell you now, since his life has gone virtual,

my life is a doddle.

Remarkable.

I'd love to try it.

Here, Doctor, knock yourself out. Ooh!

See you, Granny and...

..thanks.

See you, Bono, love.

TREVOR: Two more. Oh.

Ah...

..that one's from Winnie McGoogan.

Oh, how do you know?

It says on the back of it, "From Winnie McGoogan."

Are you not going to open it?

No, no. Winnie sends the same card every year.

I'll put up last year's.

Father Damien's been acting very strange lately, Mammy.

I know. What's this door-to-door confessions? What's next?

Drive thru communion?

SHE CHOMPS

He's been on the phone a lot lately to the bishop.

I think he's moving parish.

Well, if he IS changing parish,

there's one person that I know will definitely know about it.

Who's that?

Hillary Nicholson.

You should go up and ask her.

I will.

Do you think she WILL know?

Oh, she'll definitely know.

That bitch'd hear the grass growing.

Oh, no!

Very nice! Ha-ha-ha! Lovely!

Welcome to Slippy Mickey's Strip Club.

Mammy, I've just had a big epiphany.

Oh.

All right, I'll get the plunger.

No, Mammy! I've had an idea.

Oh, go on.

Look, every year we all get stressed out,

trying to think of what to buy each other.

I don't. Yes, you do.

The last time I got stressed out was because

you bought me a goat in Kenya.

I don't even know what bus to get to Kenya.

Mammy, we're going to have a family meeting. Why?

Because I said so.

Tonight, here, eight o'clock.

I'll let everybody know. Huh.

This is not going to end well.

Where's me buckin'...? Oh, here it is.

DOGS BARK, OWL HOOTS

Psst!

Psst!

Father Damien!

Were you pissing on my daisies?

God, no! Well, not now.

What's going on?

I've been trying to avoid Trevor.

I can see that, but why?

Every Christmas, the bishop picks someone to win Priest of the Year.

I nominated Trevor and I've been

trying to keep it quiet until the result's announced.

Oh, you know what, Trevor's lucky to have you.

We're all lucky to have you. Oh, well...thank you.

So, what's the result? Who won?

Well, God only knows. Oh.

Damien, is that you?

Er...er... No!

Who was that? Er, just somebody looking for directions.

In our back yard? I know!

I said, "They're varicose veins, not buckin' Google Maps!"

Oh good. We're all here.

Did we have a choice?

Now, Mark, Cathy's put a lot of effort into this.

Let's give it a chance. Thanks, Mammy.

It's not going to be all night, love, is it?

Mammy!

Do we seriously have to do this, Mammy?

I don't even want to be here.

Please, Dermot!

Will you all just give it a chance?

And if you're not happy at the end of it,

you can talk to the ringmaster there.

SHE IMITATES WHIPPING

# Whip-crack-away, whip-crack-away, whip-crack-away! #

Look, every year we buy each other presents for Christmas,

and more often than not, someone's not happy.

Usually you.

Sorry.

And it ends in a row!

I just think it would be fun to try something different.

Mammy out.

Oh, well, maybe we could just have a big punch up

if you think that'd be more productive.

That's a great idea.

OK, everybody - start knocking the shit out of each other

and we can move on with our lives.

This is how it will work.

Every time one of us voices their thoughts, we'll all say,

"We listen but we don't judge."

She has fuckin' worms.

Come on, let's try that. Everybody, Mammy, "We..."

ALL: We listen but we don't judge.

OK. Is everybody happy to proceed?

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Gladiators, ready!

Mark, would you like to start us off?

Nope.

MOCKINGLY: We listen but we don't judge.

Would somebody get us started, please?

I don't want any more novelty neckties.

Thank you, Dermot. Everybody?

ALL: We listen but we don't judge.

How can you have a problem with novelty ties?

Mark's judging me.

I'm asking a question.

Dermot is allowed to say how he feels, Mark.

I bought him those ties.

They're funny. Oh, yeah, hilarious, Mark.

Especially the one with the big fish.

But you like fish.

To eat! Not to wear.

OK, then - this Christmas I don't want any more stupid cheap tools.

Now you're just being childish.

Ah, ah, ah, Dermot.

We listen...

ALL: ..but we don't judge.

This is good, we're making progress.

Trevor, what about you?

I'm fine, Cathy. Yeah.

Easily pleased, always was, even as a child.

Pity your sister didn't inherit some of that.

Ma!

Oh...

Just ignore Grandad,

and just thank God he has trousers on.

I know what I'd like -

I'd like you to stop asking buckin' questions.

All in favour, say aye.

ALL: Aye.

Aye! I am trying to help us.

And you are failing miserably.

OK, I'll go.

Oh, now, here we go.

Now, no matter what she says, remember,

she's only trying to provoke a reaction.

I don't want anybody to buy me any cheap, knock-off perfume.

You cheeky bitch!

We listen... No, that was a dig at me.

ALL: ..but we don't judge.

That sounded like a dig at me.

Would you like to share with the group what presents you'd like?

I'm easy. Yeah, right!

You get all pissy if you don't get what you wanted.

Only because I keep leaving clues and nobody picks up on them.

Like what?! Name one clue you've ever given us.

Two years ago I changed the password on the Wi-Fi

because I wanted a vacuum cleaner.

The password is Tyson.

It was a typo.

I was wondering why I got two tickets

to that feckin' boxing match.

Mammy, please, will you just tell us what you want?

Mammy! I'm thinking!

What's your budget? Ah, for God's sake!

What if we didn't buy presents this year? What?!

It's Christmas, Bono. Should we cancel the turkey too?

Hang on now, have the rules changed?

I thought everyone was allowed their opinion.

Go ahead, son.

Well, not if it's stupid.

Bono is not stupid.

Thanks, Da.

Careful, Cathy - Mark might get angry and buy you a tie.

I've had enough of this crap, Ma.

I have a business to run.

We all have lives, Mark! Even you?

Don't you dare come in here with your high and mighty attitude!

Would you listen to yourself?

No, you listen to YOURSELF!

All I want for Christmas is a family Christmas with no fights.

Is that too much to ask?

We listen...

ALL: ..but we don't judge. MRS BROWN: ..buckin' judge.

I don't care what present I get,

as long as it has a monetary value over 150 euro,

and has a gift receipt.

What about a gift we can all share?

Explain this sharing thing to me, Bono, son of Marcus.

Well, I thought we could get a family photograph taken.

Bono, I love you son, but seriously?

One with all of us together.

I love you too, Bono, but that's a stupid idea.

Finally, we can all agree on SOMETHING.

What's wrong with that? Trevor, look around the house,

for God's sake. There's portraits every...

Look at th...

Well, no, look at that over there, the...

There's none.

Bono's right. We haven't taken a family picture in decades.

I think it'd be really nice to have a family photo taken,

one with all the family, up on the wall.

Do you know, Bono, you're absolutely right.

Cathy, I think we're done here.

Yep, and with not too much argument.

That's a first.

Can Buster be in the picture, too, Ma? Yeah, of course.

He's not family. How dare you! That's not what he meant, Dermot,

and you know it. Stay out of it.

Don't you point your finger at me!

ALL ARGUE

Quiet! ..you don't even live.

We listen!

And we don't buckin' judge!

Now somebody help me get Grandad into bed.

Grandad!

HE CRIES OUT

# And they all...

# ..died in the end. #

That was brilliant, son!

You've got the voice of an angel!

A buckin' Hell's Angel.

And that there is what false praise does to a child.

And he writes all his own stuff, Agnes.

With a crayon, is it?

Play another one, son. Oh, will you shut up? Me ears are ringing.

Must be proud, Mrs Brown, second-best priest in all of Dublin.

Remarkable achievement. I am proud, but I wasn't waiting

on you to win that to be proud of you, son. Ah, thanks, Mammy.

THEY CHEER

Mind you, if you're not first,

you may as well be last.

Loser, loser!

Agnes!

Well, I don't want him ending up like Suzi Quatro there.

Father Damien?

You knew he was second all along, didn't you?

Because you knew who won.

YOU did.

Mrs Brown, don't spoil the moment.

I won't. But you make sure

and be around in our house tomorrow for the family photograph.

I will.

So? Where's this Enzo?

Here he is!

Enzo, this is Agnes's daughter, Cathy.

Hello.

Ah! The desperate one.

Not that desperate.

Mammy, I will see you at home.

Excited about getting the family photograph done, Agnes? Yeah.

The two of yous now will be there. Well, we're not family.

You speak for yourself, Birdie.

Birdie, of course you're family.

This one's about a donkey that lost his way in life.

If you know the words, sing along.

Here, mullet head.

If you touch that banjo again, I will cover it in butter

and shove it up your...

Happy Christmas, everybody! Oh, happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas, son. Enzo, this is Agnes's son Dermot.

How are ya? Where's your friend Buster? Well, he's not...

..he's not his friend Buster. Buster is his brother from another mother.

Where is Buster? Putting up your tree, Ma. Oh, good man.

Did you get me card, Agnes?

Oh, yes, Winnie, thanks very much. I bet you got a surprise.

Surprise? Yeah, with the voucher inside the card for 50 euro.

Right, I'll see yous tomorrow for the photograph, OK?

Ah!

Ooh...

I'm sorry, but 50 euro is 50 euro.

All done, Mrs Brown. Remember you told Buster he'd only

make 15 euro with all those empty bottles? Yeah. Why?

Take a look at your Christmas tree.

Oh, my God, it's beautiful!

Yes, it is.

APPLAUSE

250 euro.

Told ya.

I'm going back to get the family. They all need to see this.

Don't slam the door!

DOOR SLAMS

You know, Christmas-time is tough for some people -

buying all the presents and making the big meals...

Aww! You look lovely, Mammy.

Aww, I do, dough, don't I, dough?

Here, this was dropped in for you. Oh... Now come on, it's photo time.

Yeah, I'll come in after you. Go on.

Y'see, it's worth remembering that Christmas is a tradition.

And like all traditions, they only die or fade if we allow them to.

So I've decided, I don't care how many cards I get or don't get.

SHE CHUCKLES

I'm still sending mine.

Oh, look at this now, and listen to this.

"Dearest Agnes.

"Merry Christmas.

"Meow meow."

SHE LAUGHS

Are you coming, Mammy? I'm coming, for God's sake.

What the fu...

Hands up, everybody who's family.

Good answer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. Come on.

Say cheese!

ALL: Cheese!

Goodnight!

ALL: Happy feckin' Christmas!

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year

# Good tidings we bring to you and your kin

# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year

# We...wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy new year! #

CHEERING

Goodnight! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

SHE CACKLES

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