Original subtitles

- See what's on two.

Blackcurrant juice disappear

first time all of the time.

- See what's on one.

- He took me to Blackrock Castle.

- Go back to Two.

- To professional quality--

It's just adds, go back to one.

- So he's got a job and he's at home.

- See what's on two. - Shut up!

- Get up Eamon!

I've my Tupperware party tonight.

I've only 11 hours to clean the place.

- I am asleep, Bridget.

- You're not, Eamon; get up!

You know what happened to Big Phil couple of weeks ago

when Noreen spotted that dust on her curtains.

- She died.

- She died of shame.

- She didn't die of shame, Bridget.

She died because she took the cocaine

on her 94th birthday for the first time in her life.

That's why she died.

- She died of shame, same thing.

- Ssh. I want to get the headlines.

- A group of activists

called the Pophylactic ICA tried to

smuggle thousands of condoms, street named rubber jonses

- I don't have time for this.

Get up and mind those kids.

- Hi Bridget!

- Oh hello Father, come in, sit down.

Here, have a fry.

- Oh lovely.

Now, I've been flicking through the latest trends,

just to try and get inspired.

And I've a few ideas percolating around

my head for something you might wear tonight.

But I have to ask you

for the parish newsletter fashion pages.

Are you getting the hair done?

- Of course I am.

Now, I'm thinking I want something pure modern.

I want loads of body but but not a bouffant.

Something choppy-changey.

- Now, Eamon, a quick word about this year's charity box.

We don't want a repeat of what happened last year.

That child, Kuna Ungugu, flew 5,000 miles to

personally pick up your Trocaire box,

and what was in it, Eamon?

What was in it?

Semtex.

And I've said before, I don't care where you got it from.

The poor starving children need money, Eamon.

Now, get my lips around one of these big boys.

- Now.

- Sure that's dangerous.

You'd have young lads drowning themselves just so they can

get a good feel up from a woman.

- What are you doing still here?

I don't want you here for my Tupperware party, get out.

- Have you been inhaling hairspray again?

Because I've told you on several occasions,

I don't want to do anything,

I don't want to go anywhere.

- I can make 20 pounds a week.

- Come on in ladies!

I hope none of ye left your purses at home.

You're very welcome to the 20 pounds a pers,

Sorry, plastic shite party.

- God, you have to hand it to her.

The sophistication around here.

Look at how clean her curtains are.

- She didn't do them herself.

I hear she gets someone else in to do them.

- Ladies, Father.

Help yourself to a Mint, Viscount.

Now, Don't be shy, there's plenty more where that came from.

Noreen, Dolores, Concepta.

Ah yes, the Mint Viscount are very nice indeed but

have you tried the other variety?

- The legends are true.

- Where did you get those?

- Mace of course.

Father, will you do the honors?

- Dear Lord, please bless these Orange Viscount.

We are truly blessed to be feasting upon the Mint Variety

but to have the orange flavor is truly an occasion.

In the name of the Father, the son and the Holy Ghost.

- Eamon, come here to me!

Eamon?

- Now ladies.

Before I open this box, I just want you to know

that no cheap plastic has been used in these products.

They have come all the way from England, don't you know.

Your husbands are going to love them.

There is nothing worse than when a man

whips out his banana and it's all smelly.

- Great Bridget.

- I'll open the box.

- What is it Bridget?

What's in the box?

- I'm so sorry ladies.

There must've been a terrible mix-up.

Here, have a Valium, here, here.

- I knew you were into shady stuff

with your foil covered biscuits and your notions!

My psoriasis is on fire already!

- Have a Valium.

- I can't believe you made me look at them.

Do you know it's a year in purgatory

for every one of them that you see!

That's my fecked!

I'll be there for years.

- But I,

- Bridget, I need to come in and get some sugar.

- I'm sure I have half a teaspoon if I look.

- Bridget, I was wondering if it'd at all be possible

to purchase, purely for educational purposes,

for a friend of mine actually,

one of those rubber sleeping bags.

- What?

- The diving suits.

You know, the tail sheath.

Joybag, French letter.

- What?

- Protestant pleasure pack.

- A condom?

- And money's no object.

You know full well I got

the children's allowance this morning.

I'm also willing to part with my signed Johnny.

A Johnny for a johnny.

Hide, hide.

- I'll cut to the chase Bridget.

The rubber johnnies, what are they for?

- A man puts it on when you have,

relations.

- Like your cousin?

- Sexual relations.

- You mean your cousin.

- You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

- I'll give you 15 pounds for two, 20 for three.

- I am disgusted.

You would think I would give you

three of those yokes for twenty?

Get in there and I'll give you four.

- Bridget, I love what you've done under here.

It's just so Falcon Crest.

I hope I get the same deal as she's getting?

- Get 'em!

- How many?

- Two, four, 12, 12 crackers.

- I'll take it up the other end, Frank.

- Shut up, you need them anyway.

You mad yoke.

- Bridget, Bridget, it's back on.

- A condom comes in a pack like that.

That is the dreaded object.

- Jesus Christ, condoms Bridget.

- What?

- Condoms; It's a thundering disgrace, look.

- The condom is made from rubber.

- Like, are we supposed to sit and watch this filth?

- That's a long-sheathed Trojan.

- What?

- I said I'd rather listen to Larry Gogan.

He's great, isn't he.

- Who calls to someone's house

when The Late Late Show is on?

- Someone must be dead.

- Or it's the IRA.

I've a half-naked Fierce Handy Frank at the door,

looking for two small ones.

Says if he doesn't get them soon, he's about to explode.

- Phew, I thought it was the guards.

- He says he wants to talk to you.

- Here, give us a few of them quick, will ya.

Before she goes off the boil.

She's after having a blood transfusion

and if you look at her from the right angle,

doesn't look a day over 70.

- Fierce Handy Frank, you must've called to the wrong house.

He's mad.

Now go on out of there and don't look in my bag that's

hanging on the door in the hall, go on.

He's gas.

- That's very strange.

Why would Fierce Handy Frank be calling

to the door during The Late Late Show?

And why did you think it was the guards?

- Oh Eamon.

You see, what happened was a package arrived--

- I've to stop listening to you.

What's going on in here?

- Eamon. This isn't what it looks like.

Okay, so you might look at Dolores over there

and think she's sorting out

the multiple boxes into 3 for 20 deals.

And okay, so Concepta might look like

she's filtering the small, medium and large.

Okay, you might look at Noreen over there

and see that she may be testing out the fruit flavored ones

on a selection of rolling pins, but you

couldn't be further from the truth.

You see, what's happening, Eamon, here is,

I can't lie to you.

It's true.

I've become a condom dealer and I've hired these bitches

to cut down the boxes and

I've a dozen dealers on the streets

right now, peddling the rubber.

- Oh Bridget, Bridget, Bridget.

You have brought shame onto this house.

And you know what, it's not meself I feel sorry for.

It's the six to eight kids that we have.

They'll be scandalized forever.

- I've 12 grand hidden in the Trocaire boxes.

- They'll get over it.

Who knew you had it in your Bridget.

You know what?

I'm almost pr,

I'm fierce, I'm pr,

I'm prou, I'm fierce,

I'm delighted for you now, I have to say.

I'm delighted for you.

As your dead mother used to say,

Bridget, she's not great looking

but she's fierce handy to have around the place.

And you know what, God rest her soul, she was dead right.

- Eamon, for the last time, my mother is not dead.

- Don't take the shine off this for me Bridget.

- Look at that, look at that, it's like

children's allowance day every day.

- Get down!

- Do something, get rid of him.

- I know what to do.

- Eamon, Eamon, I know you're in there.

- Oh look Eamon, Dynasty's on the telly!

It's the one where Blake is in his Speedos!

He loves Blake.

- You're going to have to do something about that cash.

- Relax Eamon, I know all about money laundering.

I gave it a good going over with the Jif

before I stuffed it in the boxes.

- Good, good, good.

Now, under no circumstances are you

to spend that money, right.

- We don't want to be drawing attention to ourselves.

The last thing we want around here is the guards,

taking the kids off us.

Jesus, worse, they could take the money off us.

- I'm no eejit Eamon.

But look.

We have a bigger problem.

We're out of supplies.

Do you know what that means?

We're gonna have,

We're gonna have to go,

We're gonna have to go up north.

- Where?

- Up north.

- Where?

- Northern Ireland, Eamon.

- Northern Ireland!

Are you out of your tiny mind, Bridget?

I don't speak Northern Irish, neither do you.

They've all got their teeth done.

We'll stand out.

- Yoo-hoo, hello!

Hello, hello?

- They're not going to understand hello, Bridget.

What about yous!

Big bong diddly dong dong, diddly dong.

- Jesus Christ Eamon, that could mean anything.

- It's better than hello, isn't it.

- Are ye here for the condoms?

- We want to buy condoms.

- Look, I don't have time for messing about.

Are yous dealing or not?

- I don't know what she's saying.

- Rubber johnnies, no baby makers, no baby.

- It's 20 pounds for 100 of them, so it is.

- The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

- Give him the money.

- Eamon, it's too heavy.

- Stop your bloody moaning, Bridget.

- Okay, one more, just one more, Eamon.

- Bridget, Bridget!

Faster, faster!

Faster, faster, Come on!

Put some welly into it, faster.

- Jesus Christ.

- I told you not to smoke

when you're pushing the car up a hill.

You'll get a better run on it.

- Put on Johnny, quick, put on Johnny.

- Are you out of your tiny little mind?

We're not across the border yet.

I might as well tie a tricolor the roof,

throw the condoms out the window

and sing A Nation Once Again at the top of my lungs.

- Put him on.

- Do you know what to say now if we're stopped?

- Yes.

The boxes are full of communion books for the children

and we're going back to the orphanage.

Look, a church.

- Bridget, that's a Protestant church.

- Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Eamon, what were we thinking!

Smuggling, from the North!

Oh my God Eamon.

What's going to happen to us?

- Will you calm down!

- I am bloody calm!

What's the point of being calm?

They're going to shoot us!

We'll be shot!

- The road Bridget, the road!

- It's a load of shite.

- It can only mean one thing.

- We're back in the south!

♫ For the last time hold my now

♫ Don't cry, don't say a word

- It's a wig Bridget.

- Well I read in the RTE Guide, it's his own hair.

- It's a wig Bridget.

- Why would Bosco wear a wig?

- Why would a grown woman be watching kiddie's programs?

- Now, what can I get you?

- I'll have a pint and she'll have a Midlands Cooler.

- What's that again?

- It's a West Coast Cooler with a Smithwick's head.

- Here, you can take it out of that.

- I don't want your cash.

- Any chance of some rubbers instead?

- Rubbers, rubbers.

- Rubbers. I think there's one

in the kid's pencil case at home.

- I had a rubber ducky has a child once.

- I had a rubber ball growing up.

Isn't it fantastic, the amount of legal uses for rubber.

It's fantastic now.

- Can I just say, right here, right now,

I've never seen a condom.

- Do you know what's great, when you're

having a conversation and someone totally changes the topic.

Like, can ponies smoke?

- I know donkeys do.

- I'll give you all the drink you want

for three strawberry ones.

- Do you know what, Podge.

I never congratulated you on not having to emigrate.

Because there isn't a lot of work at the moment

and fair play to you, put it there.

There's a banana one in the middle.

- I have this funny feeling, Eamon.

I don't know what it is.

- It's happiness, Bridget, happiness.

Oh, I do like watching you in here.

Just the two of us.

I could look at you all night long.

You're a thing of beauty, you know that.

Look at the reception on you.

- As a community, we're living

way beyond our means.

- Right, Before you start your play acting,

I know for a fact, it's not your birthday.

- Eamon, all the kids are playing on the road.

We've exactly 11 minutes before Dallas starts.

- Bridget, we can't.

It's the feast day of the immaculate conception,

according to Tunisia.

- I haven't spent 45 minutes

shaving my legs not to celebrate, Eamon.

I want to celebrate, so we're going to celebrate!

Bridget, we have six to eight kids already.

If I even breathe on you, you become pregnant.

Like I'm as virile as JR Ewing.

- Eamon, we can just use one of these yokes.

It'll stop, you know.

Bridget, we don't even know how these work.

It could get stuck or explode.

- If Concepta can manage them, and this is a woman

who put her good delph into the washing machine

and now eats her dinner off plates

she bought at a petrol station, then so can we.

- Turn off the lights, turn off the lights!

- Do you want a hand?

- No, it's not a tennis racket, Jesus.

- Sorry, I'm sorry Eamon.

- Will you leave it alone, Bridget!

- How does that feel?

- Very tight.

- Hang on, I'll get the medium.

No, that's the medium.

- I can't breathe properly in this.

I can't breathe properly.

- Eamon, I don't care.

You won't need your nose where you're going.

So stop your moaning and horse it into me.

- Can a man not try

the withdrawal method in his own home?

Do you now who's a great woman, Bridget, the Queen.

I don't understand for one minute

why she gets such bad press over here.

She's a fine bit of stuff.

- Do you want tea?

- No, I'll have a coffee.

- A coffee?

- I had the strangest dream last night.

I dreamt that I won the All Ireland.

- The hurling or the football?

- Cricket, and you know what?

I actually think I enjoyed myself.

- Eamon, I once said I liked the look

of that cricketer with the mustache

and you made me sleep in the shed for a week.

- Mm, nice coffee.

I must get the recipe off you some time.

Yes I know.

Ever since our incident with the you know whats,

I've been feeling quite strange.

- Now Eamon, don't be silly.

And you know what, I'm not doing any spuds tonight.

No, I think I'm going to do something different.

A pie or something.

- No spuds, a pie.

- Would you like to try some of this

beautiful Oxford lunch cake I baked?

- Step away from the Oxford lunch.

- What?

- Bridget, put down the Oxford lunch.

- What in the Prince Charles is wrong with you?

- I'm wearing a turtle neck.

You haven't boiled any potatoes today.

We're turning Protestant!

No, it's not use, she's gone.

Say your goodbyes.

Be all off to live with your mental aunty in the morning.

Here, you might as well take these.

She's not use for them.

- I just remembered.

It's our turn to have Father Gabe around for Sunday lunch.

Take that turtle neck off you.

We'll take him into the good room.

- We don't even have a good,

- Don't you even breathe in there!

Now, here we are father.

- Oh Bridget, this must be the good room.

- What, oh no.

This is the old room.

Sure we use this all the time.

Isn't that right Eamon?

- A good room, sure that sounds

like something a Protestant would do.

- There's definitely none of those in here.

- No, no, definitely not.

You're not a Protestant.

I'm not a Protestant.

You're definitely not a Protestant.

No Protestants in here.

Just the way I like it.

- Well in fairness, I've met some fine Protestants.

They're not all bad.

- There's the phone.

- We don't have a phone.

- Shut up.

- I told you you shouldn't have looked him in the eye.

- If you spill a drop of that gravy in there!

- What Bridget, what?

We're going to end up in hell for all eternity anyway.

- More potatoes Father?

- D'ya know who is a great woman?

Our Lady, the Catholic Virgin Mary.

Now, she is just brilliant.

I'm often saying it to Bridget.

- Oh he is.

I do be getting fierce jealous, don't I?

He's always like, you should get your hair like her.

And you know what, I think I might.

- You'd give up the choppy/changey Bridget?

- Eh, do you know what's great and not boring at all.

The Letters of St. Paul to the Corinthians.

They're brilliant, it's just brilliant.

- Really, because I don't recall

seeing ye two at mass today.

- The truth is Father, we've been

keeping something from you.

Bridget's done something stupid and as a result,

Now there's loads of money in the Trocaire box.

- Oh there must be two pounds in here!

- Three pounds and 27 pence.

- Jesus Christ, you've broken parish records.

Eamon, I knew if I kept at you, it'd pay off.

- Three whole pounds.

- And 27 pence.

- This calls for a celebration.

Tia Maria!

- No, no, no!

- Heavens above.

There must be at least,

- 37,489 pounds.

Gone because of your notions

and your stupid Tupperware parties.

- Look on the bright side.

Aren't all the condoms out of the house

and no-one got hurt.

- No one got hurt?

We turned Proddy, Bridget.

Once you go Protestant you can't go back you know.

We've six to eight kids.

Have you ever seen a Protestant family

with six to eight kids?

We're going to have to get rid of seven of them.

- Father Gabriel, how am I going to tell him?

You know how sensitive he is.

Hold on.

I'm pregnant, we're cured.

Is that it?

- What are you doing?

- I'm practicing for my party.

- No more parties!

Not after your plastic shite one.

Look at all the trouble it got us into.

- No Eamon, this is different.

Noreen said it's great fun.

It's called a swingers party.

- I'm not bringing in them swings again, Bridget.

- No, you dope.

You don't bring a swing in here.

Noreen said all you need is a glass bowl, some keys

and some oily lubricant.

- Right, as long as everyone goes home early.

I want to be in bed by 10 o'clock.

- Noreen said you'll in bed, along with her fella,

at half past eight.