Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪♪

Ma, would you zip me up, please?

It's stuck.

Oh, sure, Gloria.

Hi.

Michael, you're late. Where have you been?

Never mind. You got to get dressed.

I am dressed.

We're going to the ballet.

So what? What do you want me to wear, a leotard?

Michael, will you hurry up and get dressed?

Ma, wouldn't you know it?

The one night that we have tickets to the ballet,

and he's got to be late.

Where's my purse?

Oh, there it is.

Hold still, Gloria.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ma.

There.

Thank you.

Oh, there's my Cupid's Delight.

Your what?

My Cupid's Delight.

It's a new pie recipe I found in a magazine.

Oh!

How do you like it so far?

It's a nice crust, Ma.

What are you going to put in it?

Oh, I'm going to put in spiced apples

and spiced peaches and spiced raisins.

I hope it won't be too spicy for them.

Them? Are you expecting company tonight?

Oh, no, not tonight.

Tomorrow night, we have very special company.

Mr. and Mrs. Rempley.

They're coming over tomorrow night

for dessert and coffee.

That's why I'm making the pie.

Mr. and Mrs. Rempley...

Have I ever met them?

No. Neither have I.

I don't understand.

We're pen pals.

Ma, you got pen pals?

I didn't know that.

From what country?

Oh, they ain't from any country.

They're from New Jersey.

They were in this Now Family magazine.

See? I found it on the subway.

And right here, see, in the "swap" section,

where they swap unusual things, you know,

and, well, here,

this is really an unusual ad.

"Swap Section:

"Mature, lonely couple seeking new friends.

"Warm, affectionate, fun-loving.

"Looking for company of lonely but compatible couple

who want to swap good times."

Ain't that sweet?

People instead of things.

And you answered this ad?

Oh, yeah, and just this morning,

I got a letter back from the wife,

Mrs. Ruth Rempley,

and she sounds just like the ad,

affectionate and warm and fun-loving.

Ma, what would make you write to these people?

Well, Gloria,

since you started working, there's nobody to talk to,

and I thought it'd be nice to have somebody to write to.

But, Ma, I don't think that these are...

Come on, Gloria. I'm ready.

Wait a minute, Michael. We can't go yet.

You see, Ma...

Gloria, come on.

You hurried me to get dressed.

Let's go.

Uh, Michael,

Ma's having special company over

tomorrow night.

Yeah.

Great. Come on.

Michael, you got to read this.

Gloria, I'll read it later.

These tickets cost seven bucks.

But Michael, this is Ma's special company.

Read it.

"Swap Section:

Mature, lonely couple seeking..."

Good night, Ma.

Wait a minute, Michael. We can't go now.

I know.

Well, then you think it's what I think?

Sure, Gloria, what else is there to think?

Look at this magazine.

Look at the articles they have here.

"Silk Sheets Saved Our Marriage."

"Mirror, Mirror on the Ceiling."

Look at that.

Michael, you got to go right in there and tell her.

Why me? You're her daughter.

Besides, how am I going to explain wife-swapping

to your mother?

Well, just tell her in plain simple English.

Well, you tell her in... that English.

But Michael, you're the man. So what?

You know just as much about sex as I do. More!

More?

I don't know.

Oh, come on, Michael. We'll tell her together.

All right.

Only you start.

Huh? Yeah, all right.

But if I get stuck, you help me. Okay.

Ma?

Oh, did you forget something?

No, no, Ma. We're in kind of a hurry,

so Michael's got something

he has to tell you.

Look, Ma...

I'm stuck.

Ma, this couple in the ad,

you think they're just looking for friendship, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, they're looking

for more than friendship.

A special kind of friendship.

Oh.

Well, I hope I don't disappoint them.

Ma, you got to tell the Rempleys not to come.

Why?

Ma, trust me.

This can't be explained in a couple of minutes,

and we really have to run.

We'll explain it tomorrow.

Just give me their number. I'll call them and cancel.

But Mike... Ma, trust me.

Well, I don't have their phone number.

I just got their address...

That's fine, that's fine.

I'll send them a telegram.

I don't understand.

Ma, you didn't really read this magazine, did you?

Well, just the recipes.

See? "50 Recipes for Swingers."

Ma, does Daddy know

they're coming over tomorrow night?

No. I'm going to tell him tonight.

I don't understand

how you could invite two strangers over

without even asking Daddy.

Well, I didn't invite them.

It was their idea.

You see, I got their letter this morning,

and they just want to drop in tomorrow.

Damn it, damn it!

Damn it! I don't believe this.

Come on, will you?

What is it, Michael? What's wrong?

By the time you get Western Union on the phone,

you can drop dead.

Uh, no, no, not you.

Uh, look, I... I'd like to send a telegram

to a Mr. Curtis Rempley at, uh...

Hold on.

Well, if youse are all waiting for instructions, here they are:

When a man comes home after a hard day at work,

somebody says "Hello."

Hello, Archie.

Jeez, kiddies, youse all get a gold star for that.

Look at the face on you.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

I'm making a call.

Jeez, I heard of people

talking through their hats before,

but I've never seen this.

Daddy, um, Michael's making a personal call.

I can see that.

Uh, uh, hold on just a second.

I'll be right with you.

Uh, so we'd like a little privacy, please.

Oh, you'd like "a little privacy, please," huh?

Yeah, all right.

Edith, into the kitchen, huh?

Let me tell youse all something around here.

Any phone call

that I ain't allowed to listen to,

I ain't paying for.

Did you have a nice day?

Never mind my nice day, Edith.

What's this all about here?

Oh, well, I don't know.

I won't know until tomorrow.

Edith, you know, you better keep a sharp lookout.

What for?

For the dingbat catcher, Edith.

Because one of these days,

he's going to come around and throw a net over you.

Archie, don't go...

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, that's all right, thank you. Goodbye.

Well, Ma, you don't have to worry about a thing.

Everything's taken care of.

Well, we got to get going.

Uh, yeah, good night.

Well, have a nice time.

Oh...

Thank you.

Where are they going tonight?

Oh, they're going to see the Russian ballet.

Oh, jeez, wouldn't you know?

Wasting money to see some Communist fruit

leaping around in his pantyhose.

You call that entertainment for Americans?

Well, they've been on Ed Sullivan's show

lots of times.

Well, let me tell you something.

If Sullivan had stuck to the tap dancers,

he'd still be on TV.

I'm going up to the reading room, Edith.

I'll get your dinner.

Oh, I'll get it.

Here we are!

Howdy!

You must be Edith.

Well, yeah, but who are you?

The Rempleys. Ruth and Curtis.

Oh, Curtis, doesn't she look exactly like her letter?

Oh, even better in person.

Like I always say, Ruthie, trust that first impression.

And I can tell you this right now...

I like this woman.

Oh, I like her.

Now, Edith, you be honest.

Now that you've seen us, what do you think?

Who you talking to down there, Edith?

Oh, nobody, Archie.

Just go right on with your reading.

I... I wasn't expecting you.

Your letter said you was coming tomorrow night.

Oh, but I wrote the letter yesterday,

so when I said tomorrow, I meant today.

But I read the letter today.

And when you read "tomorrow" today,

"tomorrow" is tomorrow.

She's got you there, Ruthie, huh?

Oh, you are precious.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, when am I going to meet Archie?

Well, Ruthie, it won't be long now.

Well, there he is.

Did you finish your book?

Archie, this is Mr. and Mrs. Rempley.

Could I see you in the kitchen for a minute?

Would you excuse us?

Oh sure, you go right ahead,

but remember now,

while you're out there talking about us,

we're going to be in here talking about you.

Arch?

Hey, that's some catch.

You got quick hands.

Did you ever play ball?

Uh, well, yeah, I used to pitch a little.

What's this?

Well, open it and see.

Get in there.

Well, Ruthie, what do you think?

Gee, I don't know. They're certainly different.

That Edith seems so timid.

Oh, that's just on the outside.

Trust my first impression. Inside, she's a wildcat.

I know they're the Rempleys. You told me.

But what's the story on them?

Well, which story do you want?

Why they're here or why they shouldn't be here?

Why they're here.

I could tell you why they shouldn't be here.

Oh, would you tell me,

because I won't know till tomorrow.

Never mind tomorrow.

I want them out of here tonight.

They only came over for pie and coffee,

and there ain't no pie, so it won't take long.

You'll make it even shorter than that.

You got any Dixie cups in the house?

Yeah.

All right, give them two coffees to go.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold it.

Look at this here, Edith.

Look at this.

Gold Label Crystal cigars,

each one in its own test tube.

These cost around a buck apiece.

What's taking them so long?

I hate waiting around like this.

It could be their first time.

I think they're novices.

Then I'm going to call them.

Oh, no, Curtis, don't do that.

You'll only scare them.

Come on, I think they need encouragement.

Oh, there they are.

We thought maybe

you snuck out the back door.

Oh, no, we was just hanging around the stove.

What are these for?

Well, Edith said in the letter

that you like a good smoke.

Oh, yeah, certainly do, but, I mean,

these must have cost you 11, 12 bucks.

Oh, well, Curtis always says,

"If you're going to give a present,

give a present."

Now, come here, Edith dear.

You mustn't think we've forgotten you.

I... I just hope you like perfume.

Oh, my!

Archie, look.

Chanel N°5.

That's their highest number.

Oh, thank you.

Well, come on, everybody.

Let's sit down.

Yeah, yeah, let's sit down.

This has got to be yours.

The master's chair, huh?

Yeah, that's right.

This is the what-do-you-call,

the master's chair here.

Edith, don't be standing there.

Go sit on the couch. Oh, yeah.

Great.

These are beautiful cigars.

Well, light up, Arch.

Yeah, I'm going to do that.

Would you like one of them yourself?

Oh, no, no, I don't smoke.

Oh, maybe you'd like to drink

a little Fleischmann's and ginger, very smooth?

No, no, we don't drink. It dulls the senses.

Oh, yeah.

Funny, it just has the opposite effect on me.

A couple of belts and I'm raring to go.

Then have a few, by all means.

Can I, uh, can I get you one?

I don't need it.

Oh, well, then I'll wait too.

Jeez, youse don't smoke, youse don't drink.

What do youse do for fun?

Oh, but seriously now,

I've got to tell you something about Curtis and me.

We're trophy winners.

Harvest Moon dance contest, foxtrot division.

Oh...

You mean you got your pictures

in the Daily News and everything?

That's right, and as a matter of fact,

I just happen to have our music with us.

Oh...

Come on, Curtis, let's show them.

Oh, that's lovely.

Well, come on in, you two.

The water's fine.

Oh, you want to, Archie?

Well, I don't compete with the pros,

but there's a couple of tricks

I ain't forgot.

Oh, I love that music.

It's Jackie Gleason's

"Music for Lovers Only."

That Jackie Gleason,

he knows more about love than anybody.

All right, everybody,

hold it, hold it!

Ready, set, switch!

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Louise. Come in.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you had company.

No, come on in. The more, the merrier.

Curtis Rempley at your service.

Uh, I just came to borrow your casserole dish,

but it can wait.

Oh, no, that's all right.

Go right on in the kitchen.

What did that man mean, "the more, the merrier"?

Oh, he's just very friendly.

So is his wife.

I found them through an ad.

An ad?

Yeah, in this Now Family magazine,

in the "swap" section here.

You read it. I'll get the casserole.

Uh, Edith, uh...

Do you know those people are...

I can't.

I gotta.

Those people are a couple of swingers!

Oh, I know.

They won a trophy

in the Harvest Moon dance contest.

No, they are wife-swappers.

"Wife-swappers"? What's that?

They're here to change partners,

but not for dancing.

You mean they want Archie and me to...

Oh, my!

Archie!

I believe this is our dance.

Oh, no, I don't want to dance!

Oh, no, no dancing!

Ah, Edith, the guy's an expert.

Maybe you'll learn something.

No!

No, no! I don't want to learn nothing!

Good night!

Oh, no, Louise, don't go!

I don't want to learn nothing either!

All right, picture time!

Hey, what's that for?

Well, I thought we'd take a couple of pictures before.

Oh. Before what?

You are funny.

Isn't he a riot?

Well, I get off a good one every now and then.

What the hell did I say?

Archie, come here. I wanna show you something.

Come here.

This is a picture

I took last week with some friends.

This one's a little blurred

because we were moving.

I developed it myself.

Oh. Yeah, let's see.

Hey.

Come here. Come here.

You made a mistake here.

You got one of them stag pictures

mixed up with the regular ones.

You don't want your wife to see that.

Oh, Ruthie don't mind.

That's her in the picture.

Edith, here.

Let me show you something.

This is one of me.

Hold it!

Whoa!

No!

Put it away!

My wife ain't looking at no part of you!

These are two dirty people here.

What?

What are you talking about?

I don't want no creepos, weirdos or sexos in my house.

Come on, get out!

Get out of here.

Take all your junk with you.

Here's your purse, lady. Here's the bag.

Come on, out, out!

Hold it, hold it!

Ruthie and I just want to be friendly.

We made friends all over the country.

Oh, well, go back to them.

You got no friends to make here.

Well, if you feel that way about it,

then why did she answer our ad in the magazine?

Listen, she...

You answered an ad in a magazine?

It sounded like they needed us.

Of course they needed us, Edith, but for what?

For fun.

We ain't interested

in no kind of fun like that.

You're looking at a happily married couple here.

Well, you're looking

at a happily married couple here too.

Aw...

Well, I admit it wasn't always true.

There was a time

when our marriage got a little boring,

a little humdrum, a little...

Tedious.

Well...

Then we discovered swinging.

"Swinging"? Is that what you call it?

Yeah, why? What do you call it?

Communism!

Communism?

You, buddy,

are undermining this nation here!

You're telling me

I'm undermining the nation?

I'll have you know that I attended

the Republican National Convention!

Well, I don't think that's the point.

Edith, maybe you can understand, dear.

You see, our marriage was...

Well, I mean,

it just didn't seem to matter much anymore.

Well, no more than the two cars

or the new washer-dryer

or the stereo set.

We were drowning.

Swinging saved us.

I think I would rather have drowned.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What do you mean you're sorry?

What do you got to be sorry for?

You're right!

I seen enough of youse two.

Now am-scray!

Okay.

To each his own, I suppose.

I'll get your coat, Ruthie.

Mm-hmm.

Well, it's like

that old expression I made up once,

remember, Ruthie?

"I may disagree with what you say,

"but I'll defend with my life

your right to say it."

Oh, yeah.

I remember when you made that up too,

you clever thing.

Isn't he clever?

Huh?

Don't you read no more magazines!

Now, what are you doing?

You ain't going to keep that present.

Oh, no.

I'm going to mail it right back to the Rempleys.

What are you going to do with your present?

I'm going to do worse than mail it back.

I'm going to burn it.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.