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00:00:04,737 --> 00:00:07,549
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:07,573 --> 00:00:11,219
♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪
3
00:00:11,243 --> 00:00:14,890
♪ Guys like us We had it made ♪
4
00:00:14,914 --> 00:00:18,159
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:18,183 --> 00:00:22,163
♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪
6
00:00:22,187 --> 00:00:25,501
♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪
7
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:32,273
♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:32,297 --> 00:00:34,242
♪ Didn't need No welfare state ♪
9
00:00:34,266 --> 00:00:38,413
♪ Everybody pulled His weight ♪
10
00:00:38,437 --> 00:00:42,751
♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle Ran great ♪
11
00:00:42,775 --> 00:00:48,579
♪ Those were the days ♪♪
12
00:00:56,455 --> 00:00:58,000
Ma, would you zip me up, please?
13
00:00:58,024 --> 00:00:59,001
It's stuck.
14
00:00:59,025 --> 00:01:00,002
Oh, sure, Gloria.
15
00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:01,403
Hi.
16
00:01:01,427 --> 00:01:02,804
Michael, you're late.
Where have you been?
17
00:01:02,828 --> 00:01:04,472
Never mind. You
got to get dressed.
18
00:01:04,496 --> 00:01:06,241
I am dressed.
19
00:01:06,265 --> 00:01:07,843
We're going to the ballet.
20
00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:10,178
So what? What do you
want me to wear, a leotard?
21
00:01:10,202 --> 00:01:12,848
Michael, will you hurry
up and get dressed?
22
00:01:12,872 --> 00:01:14,550
Ma, wouldn't you know it?
23
00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:16,752
The one night that we
have tickets to the ballet,
24
00:01:16,776 --> 00:01:17,953
and he's got to be late.
25
00:01:17,977 --> 00:01:18,954
Where's my purse?
26
00:01:18,978 --> 00:01:19,955
Oh, there it is.
27
00:01:19,979 --> 00:01:21,189
Hold still, Gloria.
28
00:01:21,213 --> 00:01:22,891
Oh, I'm sorry, Ma.
29
00:01:22,915 --> 00:01:23,892
There.
30
00:01:23,916 --> 00:01:24,893
Thank you.
31
00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:27,128
Oh, there's my Cupid's Delight.
32
00:01:27,152 --> 00:01:28,463
Your what?
33
00:01:28,487 --> 00:01:31,099
My Cupid's Delight.
34
00:01:31,123 --> 00:01:35,537
It's a new pie recipe I
found in a magazine.
35
00:01:35,561 --> 00:01:36,538
Oh!
36
00:01:36,562 --> 00:01:38,528
How do you like it so far?
37
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:42,277
It's a nice crust, Ma.
38
00:01:42,301 --> 00:01:44,145
What are you going to put in it?
39
00:01:44,169 --> 00:01:46,648
Oh, I'm going to
put in spiced apples
40
00:01:46,672 --> 00:01:49,851
and spiced peaches
and spiced raisins.
41
00:01:49,875 --> 00:01:53,521
I hope it won't be
too spicy for them.
42
00:01:53,545 --> 00:01:55,891
Them? Are you expecting
company tonight?
43
00:01:55,915 --> 00:01:57,626
Oh, no, not tonight.
44
00:01:57,650 --> 00:02:01,863
Tomorrow night, we have
very special company.
45
00:02:01,887 --> 00:02:05,133
Mr. and Mrs. Rempley.
46
00:02:05,157 --> 00:02:07,035
They're coming
over tomorrow night
47
00:02:07,059 --> 00:02:08,737
for dessert and coffee.
48
00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:11,206
That's why I'm making the pie.
49
00:02:11,230 --> 00:02:13,809
Mr. and Mrs. Rempley...
50
00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:14,977
Have I ever met them?
51
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:17,167
No. Neither have I.
52
00:02:18,704 --> 00:02:20,448
I don't understand.
53
00:02:20,472 --> 00:02:22,183
We're pen pals.
54
00:02:22,207 --> 00:02:24,586
Ma, you got pen pals?
55
00:02:24,610 --> 00:02:26,054
I didn't know that.
56
00:02:26,078 --> 00:02:27,122
From what country?
57
00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:28,957
Oh, they ain't from any country.
58
00:02:28,981 --> 00:02:30,914
They're from New Jersey.
59
00:02:33,352 --> 00:02:37,365
They were in this
Now Family magazine.
60
00:02:37,389 --> 00:02:40,268
See? I found it on the subway.
61
00:02:40,292 --> 00:02:44,405
And right here, see,
in the "swap" section,
62
00:02:44,429 --> 00:02:48,443
where they swap
unusual things, you know,
63
00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:51,113
and, well, here,
64
00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:54,549
this is really an unusual ad.
65
00:02:54,573 --> 00:02:56,818
"Swap Section:
66
00:02:56,842 --> 00:03:00,255
"Mature, lonely couple
seeking new friends.
67
00:03:00,279 --> 00:03:02,146
"Warm, affectionate, fun-loving.
68
00:03:04,950 --> 00:03:08,764
"Looking for company of
lonely but compatible couple
69
00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:11,088
who want to swap good times."
70
00:03:16,261 --> 00:03:17,539
Ain't that sweet?
71
00:03:17,563 --> 00:03:19,596
People instead of things.
72
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:23,145
And you answered this ad?
73
00:03:23,169 --> 00:03:26,247
Oh, yeah, and just this morning,
74
00:03:26,271 --> 00:03:28,483
I got a letter back
from the wife,
75
00:03:28,507 --> 00:03:30,285
Mrs. Ruth Rempley,
76
00:03:30,309 --> 00:03:32,821
and she sounds just like the ad,
77
00:03:32,845 --> 00:03:36,257
affectionate and
warm and fun-loving.
78
00:03:36,281 --> 00:03:39,094
Ma, what would make
you write to these people?
79
00:03:39,118 --> 00:03:40,562
Well, Gloria,
80
00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:43,832
since you started working,
there's nobody to talk to,
81
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:46,868
and I thought it'd be nice to
have somebody to write to.
82
00:03:46,892 --> 00:03:48,670
But, Ma, I don't
think that these are...
83
00:03:48,694 --> 00:03:50,205
Come on, Gloria. I'm ready.
84
00:03:50,229 --> 00:03:51,807
Wait a minute,
Michael. We can't go yet.
85
00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:52,808
You see, Ma...
86
00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:53,909
Gloria, come on.
87
00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:55,110
You hurried me to get dressed.
88
00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:56,111
Let's go.
89
00:03:56,135 --> 00:03:57,478
Uh, Michael,
90
00:03:57,502 --> 00:03:59,347
Ma's having special company over
91
00:03:59,371 --> 00:04:00,682
tomorrow night.
92
00:04:00,706 --> 00:04:02,117
Yeah.
93
00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:04,786
Great. Come on.
94
00:04:04,810 --> 00:04:06,521
Michael, you got to read this.
95
00:04:06,545 --> 00:04:07,655
Gloria, I'll read it later.
96
00:04:07,679 --> 00:04:09,324
These tickets cost seven bucks.
97
00:04:09,348 --> 00:04:12,527
But Michael, this is
Ma's special company.
98
00:04:12,551 --> 00:04:14,051
Read it.
99
00:04:17,089 --> 00:04:18,200
"Swap Section:
100
00:04:18,224 --> 00:04:20,624
Mature, lonely
couple seeking..."
101
00:04:38,043 --> 00:04:39,342
Good night, Ma.
102
00:04:40,846 --> 00:04:43,625
Wait a minute, Michael.
We can't go now.
103
00:04:43,649 --> 00:04:44,692
I know.
104
00:04:44,716 --> 00:04:46,294
Well, then you
think it's what I think?
105
00:04:46,318 --> 00:04:47,896
Sure, Gloria, what
else is there to think?
106
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:48,897
Look at this magazine.
107
00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:51,332
Look at the articles
they have here.
108
00:04:51,356 --> 00:04:54,970
"Silk Sheets Saved
Our Marriage."
109
00:04:54,994 --> 00:04:57,239
"Mirror, Mirror on the Ceiling."
110
00:04:57,263 --> 00:04:58,406
Look at that.
111
00:04:58,430 --> 00:05:01,042
Michael, you got to go
right in there and tell her.
112
00:05:01,066 --> 00:05:03,611
Why me? You're her daughter.
113
00:05:03,635 --> 00:05:05,213
Besides, how am I going
to explain wife-swapping
114
00:05:05,237 --> 00:05:06,614
to your mother?
115
00:05:06,638 --> 00:05:09,151
Well, just tell her in
plain simple English.
116
00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:11,541
Well, you tell her
in... that English.
117
00:05:12,978 --> 00:05:14,890
But Michael, you're
the man. So what?
118
00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:18,794
You know just as much
about sex as I do. More!
119
00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:19,795
More?
120
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:20,996
I don't know.
121
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:22,798
Oh, come on, Michael.
We'll tell her together.
122
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:23,799
All right.
123
00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:25,000
Only you start.
124
00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:26,134
Huh? Yeah, all right.
125
00:05:26,158 --> 00:05:28,136
But if I get stuck,
you help me. Okay.
126
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,304
Ma?
127
00:05:29,328 --> 00:05:30,471
Oh, did you forget something?
128
00:05:30,495 --> 00:05:32,274
No, no, Ma. We're
in kind of a hurry,
129
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:33,408
so Michael's got something
130
00:05:33,432 --> 00:05:34,509
he has to tell you.
131
00:05:34,533 --> 00:05:36,244
Look, Ma...
132
00:05:36,268 --> 00:05:37,868
I'm stuck.
133
00:05:39,638 --> 00:05:42,250
Ma, this couple in the ad,
134
00:05:42,274 --> 00:05:44,719
you think they're just looking
for friendship, don't you?
135
00:05:44,743 --> 00:05:45,720
Yeah.
136
00:05:45,744 --> 00:05:47,355
Yeah, well, they're looking
137
00:05:47,379 --> 00:05:48,756
for more than friendship.
138
00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:50,725
A special kind of friendship.
139
00:05:50,749 --> 00:05:52,060
Oh.
140
00:05:52,084 --> 00:05:54,617
Well, I hope I don't
disappoint them.
141
00:05:57,689 --> 00:06:01,837
Ma, you got to tell the
Rempleys not to come.
142
00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:03,238
Why?
143
00:06:03,262 --> 00:06:04,572
Ma, trust me.
144
00:06:04,596 --> 00:06:06,374
This can't be explained
in a couple of minutes,
145
00:06:06,398 --> 00:06:07,575
and we really have to run.
146
00:06:07,599 --> 00:06:08,977
We'll explain it tomorrow.
147
00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:10,979
Just give me their number.
I'll call them and cancel.
148
00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:12,714
But Mike... Ma, trust me.
149
00:06:12,738 --> 00:06:15,516
Well, I don't have
their phone number.
150
00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:17,185
I just got their address...
151
00:06:17,209 --> 00:06:18,220
That's fine, that's fine.
152
00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:20,455
I'll send them a telegram.
153
00:06:20,479 --> 00:06:22,290
I don't understand.
154
00:06:22,314 --> 00:06:26,895
Ma, you didn't really read
this magazine, did you?
155
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:28,796
Well, just the recipes.
156
00:06:28,820 --> 00:06:32,289
See? "50 Recipes for Swingers."
157
00:06:34,826 --> 00:06:36,304
Ma, does Daddy know
158
00:06:36,328 --> 00:06:37,605
they're coming
over tomorrow night?
159
00:06:37,629 --> 00:06:39,841
No. I'm going to
tell him tonight.
160
00:06:39,865 --> 00:06:41,376
I don't understand
161
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,378
how you could invite
two strangers over
162
00:06:43,402 --> 00:06:44,880
without even asking Daddy.
163
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,581
Well, I didn't invite them.
164
00:06:46,605 --> 00:06:48,483
It was their idea.
165
00:06:48,507 --> 00:06:51,052
You see, I got their
letter this morning,
166
00:06:51,076 --> 00:06:53,788
and they just want
to drop in tomorrow.
167
00:06:53,812 --> 00:06:54,923
Damn it, damn it!
168
00:06:54,947 --> 00:06:56,858
Damn it! I don't believe this.
169
00:06:56,882 --> 00:06:57,959
Come on, will you?
170
00:06:57,983 --> 00:06:59,794
What is it, Michael?
What's wrong?
171
00:06:59,818 --> 00:07:01,796
By the time you get
Western Union on the phone,
172
00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:03,164
you can drop dead.
173
00:07:03,188 --> 00:07:04,933
Uh, no, no, not you.
174
00:07:04,957 --> 00:07:06,768
Uh, look, I... I'd like
to send a telegram
175
00:07:06,792 --> 00:07:08,937
to a Mr. Curtis
Rempley at, uh...
176
00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:10,060
Hold on.
177
00:07:19,071 --> 00:07:22,583
Well, if youse are all waiting
for instructions, here they are:
178
00:07:22,607 --> 00:07:25,820
When a man comes home
after a hard day at work,
179
00:07:25,844 --> 00:07:29,224
somebody says "Hello."
180
00:07:29,248 --> 00:07:30,992
Hello, Archie.
181
00:07:31,016 --> 00:07:34,351
Jeez, kiddies, youse
all get a gold star for that.
182
00:07:36,388 --> 00:07:37,698
Look at the face on you.
183
00:07:37,722 --> 00:07:38,900
What's the matter with you?
184
00:07:38,924 --> 00:07:39,901
Nothing.
185
00:07:39,925 --> 00:07:41,024
I'm making a call.
186
00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:48,543
Jeez, I heard of people
187
00:07:48,567 --> 00:07:50,078
talking through
their hats before,
188
00:07:50,102 --> 00:07:52,502
but I've never seen this.
189
00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:59,821
Daddy, um, Michael's
making a personal call.
190
00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:01,125
I can see that.
191
00:08:03,615 --> 00:08:04,993
Uh, uh, hold on just a second.
192
00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:06,461
I'll be right with you.
193
00:08:06,485 --> 00:08:08,629
Uh, so we'd like a
little privacy, please.
194
00:08:08,653 --> 00:08:11,566
Oh, you'd like "a little
privacy, please," huh?
195
00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:13,134
Yeah, all right.
196
00:08:13,158 --> 00:08:14,369
Edith, into the kitchen, huh?
197
00:08:14,393 --> 00:08:16,671
Let me tell youse all
something around here.
198
00:08:16,695 --> 00:08:18,006
Any phone call
199
00:08:18,030 --> 00:08:19,640
that I ain't
allowed to listen to,
200
00:08:19,664 --> 00:08:20,730
I ain't paying for.
201
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:24,379
Did you have a nice day?
202
00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:26,581
Never mind my nice day, Edith.
203
00:08:26,605 --> 00:08:28,083
What's this all about here?
204
00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:31,152
Oh, well, I don't know.
205
00:08:31,176 --> 00:08:32,775
I won't know until tomorrow.
206
00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:37,654
Edith, you know, you
better keep a sharp lookout.
207
00:08:38,583 --> 00:08:39,627
What for?
208
00:08:39,651 --> 00:08:41,851
For the dingbat catcher, Edith.
209
00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:46,067
Because one of these days,
210
00:08:46,091 --> 00:08:48,736
he's going to come around
and throw a net over you.
211
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:49,770
Archie, don't go...
212
00:08:49,794 --> 00:08:51,306
Yeah, yeah.
213
00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:53,730
Uh, that's all right,
thank you. Goodbye.
214
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:57,578
Well, Ma, you don't have
to worry about a thing.
215
00:08:57,602 --> 00:08:58,746
Everything's taken care of.
216
00:08:58,770 --> 00:09:00,048
Well, we got to get going.
217
00:09:00,072 --> 00:09:01,816
Uh, yeah, good night.
218
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,985
Well, have a nice time.
219
00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:04,986
Oh...
220
00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:06,376
Thank you.
221
00:09:07,712 --> 00:09:10,458
Where are they going tonight?
222
00:09:10,482 --> 00:09:13,628
Oh, they're going to
see the Russian ballet.
223
00:09:13,652 --> 00:09:15,963
Oh, jeez, wouldn't you know?
224
00:09:15,987 --> 00:09:18,533
Wasting money to see
some Communist fruit
225
00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:20,424
leaping around in his pantyhose.
226
00:09:23,395 --> 00:09:25,440
You call that entertainment
for Americans?
227
00:09:25,464 --> 00:09:28,143
Well, they've been
on Ed Sullivan's show
228
00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:29,277
lots of times.
229
00:09:29,301 --> 00:09:30,778
Well, let me tell you something.
230
00:09:30,802 --> 00:09:33,114
If Sullivan had stuck
to the tap dancers,
231
00:09:33,138 --> 00:09:35,517
he'd still be on TV.
232
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:37,101
I'm going up to the
reading room, Edith.
233
00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:43,591
I'll get your dinner.
234
00:09:44,616 --> 00:09:45,748
Oh, I'll get it.
235
00:09:49,888 --> 00:09:52,200
Here we are!
236
00:09:52,224 --> 00:09:53,801
Howdy!
237
00:09:53,825 --> 00:09:55,636
You must be Edith.
238
00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:57,472
Well, yeah, but who are you?
239
00:09:57,496 --> 00:09:59,441
The Rempleys. Ruth and Curtis.
240
00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:03,978
Oh, Curtis, doesn't she
look exactly like her letter?
241
00:10:04,002 --> 00:10:06,514
Oh, even better in person.
242
00:10:06,538 --> 00:10:09,884
Like I always say, Ruthie,
trust that first impression.
243
00:10:09,908 --> 00:10:11,986
And I can tell you
this right now...
244
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:13,388
I like this woman.
245
00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:15,545
Oh, I like her.
246
00:10:17,882 --> 00:10:20,462
Now, Edith, you be honest.
247
00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:22,663
Now that you've seen
us, what do you think?
248
00:10:22,687 --> 00:10:24,765
Who you talking to
down there, Edith?
249
00:10:24,789 --> 00:10:26,501
Oh, nobody, Archie.
250
00:10:26,525 --> 00:10:31,306
Just go right on
with your reading.
251
00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:34,109
I... I wasn't expecting you.
252
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:37,278
Your letter said you was
coming tomorrow night.
253
00:10:37,302 --> 00:10:39,914
Oh, but I wrote
the letter yesterday,
254
00:10:39,938 --> 00:10:42,584
so when I said
tomorrow, I meant today.
255
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:45,686
But I read the letter today.
256
00:10:45,710 --> 00:10:48,189
And when you read
"tomorrow" today,
257
00:10:48,213 --> 00:10:49,912
"tomorrow" is tomorrow.
258
00:10:53,519 --> 00:10:56,998
She's got you
there, Ruthie, huh?
259
00:10:57,022 --> 00:10:59,334
Oh, you are precious.
260
00:10:59,358 --> 00:11:00,468
Oh, thank you.
261
00:11:00,492 --> 00:11:02,637
Uh, when am I
going to meet Archie?
262
00:11:12,103 --> 00:11:15,205
Well, Ruthie, it
won't be long now.
263
00:11:25,650 --> 00:11:28,329
Well, there he is.
264
00:11:28,353 --> 00:11:31,265
Did you finish your book?
265
00:11:31,289 --> 00:11:34,735
Archie, this is
Mr. and Mrs. Rempley.
266
00:11:34,759 --> 00:11:37,138
Could I see you in the
kitchen for a minute?
267
00:11:37,162 --> 00:11:38,339
Would you excuse us?
268
00:11:38,363 --> 00:11:40,741
Oh sure, you go right ahead,
269
00:11:40,765 --> 00:11:41,809
but remember now,
270
00:11:41,833 --> 00:11:43,677
while you're out
there talking about us,
271
00:11:43,701 --> 00:11:45,668
we're going to be in
here talking about you.
272
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:51,689
Arch?
273
00:11:52,710 --> 00:11:54,788
Hey, that's some catch.
274
00:11:54,812 --> 00:11:55,789
You got quick hands.
275
00:11:55,813 --> 00:11:56,957
Did you ever play ball?
276
00:11:56,981 --> 00:11:59,193
Uh, well, yeah, I
used to pitch a little.
277
00:11:59,217 --> 00:12:00,228
What's this?
278
00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:01,784
Well, open it and see.
279
00:12:04,689 --> 00:12:05,855
Get in there.
280
00:12:10,495 --> 00:12:11,972
Well, Ruthie, what do you think?
281
00:12:11,996 --> 00:12:13,908
Gee, I don't know.
They're certainly different.
282
00:12:13,932 --> 00:12:15,776
That Edith seems so timid.
283
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,311
Oh, that's just on the outside.
284
00:12:17,335 --> 00:12:22,716
Trust my first impression.
Inside, she's a wildcat.
285
00:12:22,740 --> 00:12:25,353
I know they're the
Rempleys. You told me.
286
00:12:25,377 --> 00:12:26,754
But what's the story on them?
287
00:12:26,778 --> 00:12:29,323
Well, which story do you want?
288
00:12:29,347 --> 00:12:33,661
Why they're here or why
they shouldn't be here?
289
00:12:33,685 --> 00:12:35,263
Why they're here.
290
00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:37,265
I could tell you why
they shouldn't be here.
291
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:38,966
Oh, would you tell me,
292
00:12:38,990 --> 00:12:41,391
because I won't
know till tomorrow.
293
00:12:45,163 --> 00:12:46,874
Never mind tomorrow.
294
00:12:46,898 --> 00:12:49,343
I want them out of here tonight.
295
00:12:49,367 --> 00:12:52,947
They only came over
for pie and coffee,
296
00:12:52,971 --> 00:12:56,617
and there ain't no pie,
so it won't take long.
297
00:12:56,641 --> 00:12:58,686
You'll make it even
shorter than that.
298
00:12:58,710 --> 00:13:00,621
You got any Dixie
cups in the house?
299
00:13:00,645 --> 00:13:01,822
Yeah.
300
00:13:01,846 --> 00:13:05,148
All right, give them
two coffees to go.
301
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,165
Wait a minute, wait
a minute. Hold it.
302
00:13:11,189 --> 00:13:13,201
Look at this here, Edith.
303
00:13:13,225 --> 00:13:14,235
Look at this.
304
00:13:14,259 --> 00:13:17,905
Gold Label Crystal cigars,
305
00:13:17,929 --> 00:13:20,210
each one in its own test tube.
306
00:13:22,033 --> 00:13:24,044
These cost around a buck apiece.
307
00:13:24,068 --> 00:13:25,679
What's taking them so long?
308
00:13:25,703 --> 00:13:27,215
I hate waiting around like this.
309
00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:28,882
It could be their first time.
310
00:13:28,906 --> 00:13:30,784
I think they're novices.
311
00:13:30,808 --> 00:13:31,986
Then I'm going to call them.
312
00:13:32,010 --> 00:13:33,187
Oh, no, Curtis, don't do that.
313
00:13:33,211 --> 00:13:34,455
You'll only scare them.
314
00:13:34,479 --> 00:13:36,924
Come on, I think they
need encouragement.
315
00:13:36,948 --> 00:13:38,926
Oh, there they are.
316
00:13:38,950 --> 00:13:39,994
We thought maybe
317
00:13:40,018 --> 00:13:41,529
you snuck out the back door.
318
00:13:41,553 --> 00:13:44,320
Oh, no, we was just
hanging around the stove.
319
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:47,135
What are these for?
320
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:48,336
Well, Edith said in the letter
321
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:49,637
that you like a good smoke.
322
00:13:49,661 --> 00:13:51,705
Oh, yeah, certainly
do, but, I mean,
323
00:13:51,729 --> 00:13:53,641
these must have
cost you 11, 12 bucks.
324
00:13:53,665 --> 00:13:55,376
Oh, well, Curtis always says,
325
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,944
"If you're going
to give a present,
326
00:13:56,968 --> 00:13:58,279
give a present."
327
00:13:58,303 --> 00:13:59,547
Now, come here, Edith dear.
328
00:13:59,571 --> 00:14:02,350
You mustn't think
we've forgotten you.
329
00:14:02,374 --> 00:14:05,886
I... I just hope
you like perfume.
330
00:14:05,910 --> 00:14:07,788
Oh, my!
331
00:14:07,812 --> 00:14:09,790
Archie, look.
332
00:14:11,416 --> 00:14:14,362
Chanel N°5.
333
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:17,687
That's their highest number.
334
00:14:20,425 --> 00:14:22,170
Oh, thank you.
335
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:23,204
Well, come on, everybody.
336
00:14:23,228 --> 00:14:24,272
Let's sit down.
337
00:14:24,296 --> 00:14:25,706
Yeah, yeah, let's sit down.
338
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:27,441
This has got to be yours.
339
00:14:27,465 --> 00:14:29,277
The master's chair, huh?
340
00:14:29,301 --> 00:14:30,278
Yeah, that's right.
341
00:14:30,302 --> 00:14:31,345
This is the what-do-you-call,
342
00:14:31,369 --> 00:14:32,413
the master's chair here.
343
00:14:32,437 --> 00:14:33,814
Edith, don't be standing there.
344
00:14:33,838 --> 00:14:36,005
Go sit on the couch. Oh, yeah.
345
00:14:37,008 --> 00:14:38,008
Great.
346
00:14:42,647 --> 00:14:44,158
These are beautiful cigars.
347
00:14:44,182 --> 00:14:45,159
Well, light up, Arch.
348
00:14:45,183 --> 00:14:46,360
Yeah, I'm going to do that.
349
00:14:46,384 --> 00:14:47,761
Would you like one
of them yourself?
350
00:14:47,785 --> 00:14:49,197
Oh, no, no, I don't smoke.
351
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:50,531
Oh, maybe you'd like to drink
352
00:14:50,555 --> 00:14:52,833
a little Fleischmann's
and ginger, very smooth?
353
00:14:52,857 --> 00:14:56,370
No, no, we don't drink.
It dulls the senses.
354
00:14:56,394 --> 00:14:58,027
Oh, yeah.
355
00:14:59,997 --> 00:15:02,076
Funny, it just has the
opposite effect on me.
356
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:04,579
A couple of belts
and I'm raring to go.
357
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:07,337
Then have a few, by all means.
358
00:15:13,278 --> 00:15:15,289
Can I, uh, can I get you one?
359
00:15:15,313 --> 00:15:16,412
I don't need it.
360
00:15:18,216 --> 00:15:21,195
Oh, well, then I'll wait too.
361
00:15:21,219 --> 00:15:23,397
Jeez, youse don't
smoke, youse don't drink.
362
00:15:23,421 --> 00:15:24,621
What do youse do for fun?
363
00:15:43,808 --> 00:15:45,152
Oh, but seriously now,
364
00:15:45,176 --> 00:15:48,422
I've got to tell you something
about Curtis and me.
365
00:15:48,446 --> 00:15:50,380
We're trophy winners.
366
00:15:52,150 --> 00:15:55,496
Harvest Moon dance
contest, foxtrot division.
367
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:56,731
Oh...
368
00:15:56,755 --> 00:15:59,166
You mean you got your pictures
369
00:15:59,190 --> 00:16:01,869
in the Daily News
and everything?
370
00:16:01,893 --> 00:16:04,438
That's right, and
as a matter of fact,
371
00:16:04,462 --> 00:16:07,107
I just happen to have
our music with us.
372
00:16:07,131 --> 00:16:08,108
Oh...
373
00:16:08,132 --> 00:16:10,010
Come on, Curtis,
let's show them.
374
00:16:35,493 --> 00:16:38,172
Oh, that's lovely.
375
00:16:38,196 --> 00:16:40,474
Well, come on in, you two.
376
00:16:40,498 --> 00:16:41,875
The water's fine.
377
00:16:41,899 --> 00:16:44,745
Oh, you want to, Archie?
378
00:16:44,769 --> 00:16:46,180
Well, I don't
compete with the pros,
379
00:16:46,204 --> 00:16:47,381
but there's a couple of tricks
380
00:16:47,405 --> 00:16:48,685
I ain't forgot.
381
00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:01,562
Oh, I love that music.
382
00:17:01,586 --> 00:17:02,697
It's Jackie Gleason's
383
00:17:02,721 --> 00:17:04,932
"Music for Lovers Only."
384
00:17:04,956 --> 00:17:06,166
That Jackie Gleason,
385
00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:08,791
he knows more about
love than anybody.
386
00:17:11,696 --> 00:17:12,673
All right, everybody,
387
00:17:12,697 --> 00:17:14,375
hold it, hold it!
388
00:17:14,399 --> 00:17:16,799
Ready, set, switch!
389
00:17:19,704 --> 00:17:21,237
Oh, I'll get it.
390
00:17:24,342 --> 00:17:26,487
Oh, hi, Louise. Come in.
391
00:17:26,511 --> 00:17:27,855
Oh, I'm sorry.
392
00:17:27,879 --> 00:17:29,590
I didn't know you had company.
393
00:17:29,614 --> 00:17:31,992
No, come on in. The
more, the merrier.
394
00:17:32,016 --> 00:17:34,462
Curtis Rempley at your service.
395
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:36,731
Uh, I just came to borrow
your casserole dish,
396
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:37,832
but it can wait.
397
00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:38,966
Oh, no, that's all right.
398
00:17:38,990 --> 00:17:41,390
Go right on in the kitchen.
399
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:51,445
What did that man mean,
"the more, the merrier"?
400
00:17:51,469 --> 00:17:53,313
Oh, he's just very friendly.
401
00:17:53,337 --> 00:17:54,515
So is his wife.
402
00:17:54,539 --> 00:17:56,650
I found them through an ad.
403
00:17:56,674 --> 00:17:58,151
An ad?
404
00:17:58,175 --> 00:18:00,821
Yeah, in this Now
Family magazine,
405
00:18:00,845 --> 00:18:03,023
in the "swap" section here.
406
00:18:03,047 --> 00:18:05,328
You read it. I'll
get the casserole.
407
00:18:12,356 --> 00:18:15,235
Uh, Edith, uh...
408
00:18:15,259 --> 00:18:17,499
Do you know those people are...
409
00:18:19,096 --> 00:18:22,142
I can't.
410
00:18:22,166 --> 00:18:23,377
I gotta.
411
00:18:23,401 --> 00:18:26,246
Those people are a
couple of swingers!
412
00:18:26,270 --> 00:18:27,381
Oh, I know.
413
00:18:27,405 --> 00:18:28,649
They won a trophy
414
00:18:28,673 --> 00:18:31,285
in the Harvest
Moon dance contest.
415
00:18:31,309 --> 00:18:33,454
No, they are wife-swappers.
416
00:18:33,478 --> 00:18:36,023
"Wife-swappers"? What's that?
417
00:18:36,047 --> 00:18:39,026
They're here to change partners,
418
00:18:39,050 --> 00:18:41,851
but not for dancing.
419
00:19:02,406 --> 00:19:05,541
You mean they want
Archie and me to...
420
00:19:08,913 --> 00:19:10,947
Oh, my!
421
00:19:13,317 --> 00:19:15,062
Archie!
422
00:19:15,086 --> 00:19:16,464
I believe this is our dance.
423
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:19,066
Oh, no, I don't want to dance!
424
00:19:19,090 --> 00:19:20,200
Oh, no, no dancing!
425
00:19:20,224 --> 00:19:22,035
Ah, Edith, the guy's an expert.
426
00:19:22,059 --> 00:19:23,270
Maybe you'll learn something.
427
00:19:23,294 --> 00:19:25,639
No!
428
00:19:25,663 --> 00:19:28,141
No, no! I don't want
to learn nothing!
429
00:19:28,165 --> 00:19:29,142
Good night!
430
00:19:29,166 --> 00:19:31,645
Oh, no, Louise, don't go!
431
00:19:31,669 --> 00:19:34,370
I don't want to
learn nothing either!
432
00:19:42,079 --> 00:19:44,492
All right, picture time!
433
00:19:44,516 --> 00:19:45,993
Hey, what's that for?
434
00:19:46,017 --> 00:19:48,261
Well, I thought we'd take
a couple of pictures before.
435
00:19:48,285 --> 00:19:49,752
Oh. Before what?
436
00:19:52,757 --> 00:19:54,434
You are funny.
437
00:19:54,458 --> 00:19:56,504
Isn't he a riot?
438
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:59,573
Well, I get off a good
one every now and then.
439
00:19:59,597 --> 00:20:01,976
What the hell did I say?
440
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,744
Archie, come here. I
wanna show you something.
441
00:20:03,768 --> 00:20:04,745
Come here.
442
00:20:04,769 --> 00:20:05,813
This is a picture
443
00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:07,781
I took last week
with some friends.
444
00:20:07,805 --> 00:20:08,782
This one's a little blurred
445
00:20:08,806 --> 00:20:10,150
because we were moving.
446
00:20:10,174 --> 00:20:11,519
I developed it myself.
447
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:13,275
Oh. Yeah, let's see.
448
00:20:15,413 --> 00:20:17,324
Hey.
449
00:20:17,348 --> 00:20:18,628
Come here. Come here.
450
00:20:20,785 --> 00:20:22,696
You made a mistake here.
451
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,231
You got one of
them stag pictures
452
00:20:24,255 --> 00:20:25,432
mixed up with the regular ones.
453
00:20:25,456 --> 00:20:27,034
You don't want
your wife to see that.
454
00:20:27,058 --> 00:20:28,335
Oh, Ruthie don't mind.
455
00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:29,559
That's her in the picture.
456
00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:45,352
Edith, here.
457
00:20:45,376 --> 00:20:46,587
Let me show you something.
458
00:20:46,611 --> 00:20:48,088
This is one of me.
459
00:20:48,112 --> 00:20:49,089
Hold it!
460
00:20:49,113 --> 00:20:50,524
Whoa!
461
00:20:50,548 --> 00:20:51,659
No!
462
00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:53,093
Put it away!
463
00:20:53,117 --> 00:20:56,730
My wife ain't looking
at no part of you!
464
00:20:56,754 --> 00:20:58,465
These are two dirty people here.
465
00:20:58,489 --> 00:20:59,600
What?
466
00:20:59,624 --> 00:21:01,068
What are you talking about?
467
00:21:01,092 --> 00:21:04,271
I don't want no creepos,
weirdos or sexos in my house.
468
00:21:04,295 --> 00:21:05,539
Come on, get out!
469
00:21:05,563 --> 00:21:06,774
Get out of here.
470
00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:08,308
Take all your junk with you.
471
00:21:08,332 --> 00:21:10,210
Here's your purse,
lady. Here's the bag.
472
00:21:10,234 --> 00:21:11,745
Come on, out, out!
473
00:21:11,769 --> 00:21:13,380
Hold it, hold it!
474
00:21:13,404 --> 00:21:15,348
Ruthie and I just
want to be friendly.
475
00:21:15,372 --> 00:21:16,750
We made friends
all over the country.
476
00:21:16,774 --> 00:21:18,251
Oh, well, go back to them.
477
00:21:18,275 --> 00:21:20,788
You got no friends to make here.
478
00:21:20,812 --> 00:21:22,823
Well, if you feel
that way about it,
479
00:21:22,847 --> 00:21:25,759
then why did she answer
our ad in the magazine?
480
00:21:25,783 --> 00:21:28,328
Listen, she...
481
00:21:28,352 --> 00:21:31,565
You answered an
ad in a magazine?
482
00:21:31,589 --> 00:21:34,735
It sounded like they needed us.
483
00:21:34,759 --> 00:21:39,239
Of course they needed
us, Edith, but for what?
484
00:21:39,263 --> 00:21:40,841
For fun.
485
00:21:40,865 --> 00:21:41,842
We ain't interested
486
00:21:41,866 --> 00:21:43,310
in no kind of fun like that.
487
00:21:43,334 --> 00:21:44,912
You're looking at a
happily married couple here.
488
00:21:44,936 --> 00:21:45,980
Well, you're looking
489
00:21:46,004 --> 00:21:48,082
at a happily married
couple here too.
490
00:21:48,106 --> 00:21:49,483
Aw...
491
00:21:49,507 --> 00:21:51,451
Well, I admit it
wasn't always true.
492
00:21:51,475 --> 00:21:52,586
There was a time
493
00:21:52,610 --> 00:21:54,922
when our marriage
got a little boring,
494
00:21:54,946 --> 00:21:58,125
a little humdrum, a little...
495
00:21:58,149 --> 00:21:59,727
Tedious.
496
00:21:59,751 --> 00:22:01,561
Well...
497
00:22:01,585 --> 00:22:02,997
Then we discovered swinging.
498
00:22:03,021 --> 00:22:05,599
"Swinging"? Is
that what you call it?
499
00:22:05,623 --> 00:22:07,783
Yeah, why? What do you call it?
500
00:22:08,225 --> 00:22:09,692
Communism!
501
00:22:14,398 --> 00:22:15,876
Communism?
502
00:22:15,900 --> 00:22:17,577
You, buddy,
503
00:22:17,601 --> 00:22:19,680
are undermining
this nation here!
504
00:22:19,704 --> 00:22:21,314
You're telling me
505
00:22:21,338 --> 00:22:23,416
I'm undermining the nation?
506
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:25,085
I'll have you know
that I attended
507
00:22:25,109 --> 00:22:28,377
the Republican
National Convention!
508
00:22:29,613 --> 00:22:32,126
Well, I don't think
that's the point.
509
00:22:32,150 --> 00:22:35,495
Edith, maybe you
can understand, dear.
510
00:22:35,519 --> 00:22:38,365
You see, our marriage was...
511
00:22:38,389 --> 00:22:39,633
Well, I mean,
512
00:22:39,657 --> 00:22:42,435
it just didn't seem to
matter much anymore.
513
00:22:42,459 --> 00:22:45,338
Well, no more than the two cars
514
00:22:45,362 --> 00:22:47,007
or the new washer-dryer
515
00:22:47,031 --> 00:22:50,644
or the stereo set.
516
00:22:50,668 --> 00:22:53,013
We were drowning.
517
00:22:53,037 --> 00:22:55,248
Swinging saved us.
518
00:22:55,272 --> 00:23:00,120
I think I would
rather have drowned.
519
00:23:00,144 --> 00:23:01,388
Oh, I'm sorry.
520
00:23:01,412 --> 00:23:02,589
What do you mean you're sorry?
521
00:23:02,613 --> 00:23:04,191
What do you got to be sorry for?
522
00:23:04,215 --> 00:23:05,358
You're right!
523
00:23:05,382 --> 00:23:07,460
I seen enough of youse two.
524
00:23:07,484 --> 00:23:09,296
Now am-scray!
525
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,999
Okay.
526
00:23:12,023 --> 00:23:14,467
To each his own, I suppose.
527
00:23:14,491 --> 00:23:15,769
I'll get your coat, Ruthie.
528
00:23:15,793 --> 00:23:16,793
Mm-hmm.
529
00:23:19,463 --> 00:23:21,008
Well, it's like
530
00:23:21,032 --> 00:23:23,177
that old expression
I made up once,
531
00:23:23,201 --> 00:23:24,845
remember, Ruthie?
532
00:23:24,869 --> 00:23:26,513
"I may disagree
with what you say,
533
00:23:26,537 --> 00:23:28,048
"but I'll defend with my life
534
00:23:28,072 --> 00:23:29,183
your right to say it."
535
00:23:29,207 --> 00:23:30,283
Oh, yeah.
536
00:23:30,307 --> 00:23:32,319
I remember when
you made that up too,
537
00:23:32,343 --> 00:23:33,954
you clever thing.
538
00:23:33,978 --> 00:23:34,955
Isn't he clever?
539
00:23:34,979 --> 00:23:35,979
Huh?
540
00:24:05,009 --> 00:24:08,043
Don't you read no
more magazines!
541
00:24:23,060 --> 00:24:24,371
Now, what are you doing?
542
00:24:24,395 --> 00:24:26,006
You ain't going to
keep that present.
543
00:24:26,030 --> 00:24:27,340
Oh, no.
544
00:24:27,364 --> 00:24:32,345
I'm going to mail it right
back to the Rempleys.
545
00:24:32,369 --> 00:24:34,882
What are you going
to do with your present?
546
00:24:34,906 --> 00:24:38,919
I'm going to do worse
than mail it back.
547
00:24:38,943 --> 00:24:40,009
I'm going to burn it.
548
00:25:01,432 --> 00:25:03,243
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
549
00:25:03,267 --> 00:25:05,801
before a live audience.
37039
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