Original subtitles

[piano music]

Hey, you sounding good, son.

Marcus, pops. What're you guys doing here?

It's Tuesday 4 o'clock.

Time for Tuga's piano lesson.

[knock on door]

Oh, hey, Lauren, come on in.

- Hi, Anthony. - I got that.

Thank you. Hey, guys.

(all) Hi, Ms. Wilson.

And how is my little student today?

Oh, she's so pretty I'd hold the hand of the Klan rally.

Tuga, today we're gonna start with

"Mary Had A Little Lamb."

God, I just love that little lamb.

And you gonna love the ringing in your ears

when I hit you upside the head with a skillet.

Oh. I-I gotta go.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one.. ?

? They've rubbed off the other ?

? I just step my step day by day ?

? They can't stop a brother ??

[upbeat music]

So, Tuga, how's the piano coming?

Yeah, you're getting better, the neighbor's dog

came back home last night.

[laughs]

I don't want lessons anymore.

The piano's too hard.

- Oh. - Hard?

Boy, if Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

fad that attitude, you would never have

next Monday off from school.

You're not quitting and that's that

Come on, Anthony, don't make such a big deal of it

the boy tried and he didn't like it, then let him quit.

We didn't force you to keep playing the clarinet.

In fact, we begged you to quit.

That was the longest three weeks of our lives.

Dad, if you quit, I get to quit too.

No, no, you don't, son.

You have to learn to stick with things.

Look and playing the piano makes you well-rounded.

Say, you want to impress a girl at a party

all you do is sit down at the piano, man

and just tinkle the ivories.

Dad, I don't need the piano to impress girls.

Not when I have these.

[chuckles] Oh!

[laughs]

So I'm done with it.

[laughter]

Thanks, pops, you see what you did?

Hey, what's the big deal, Anthony?

You need to take the money you're spending

on his lessons and let him do something he enjoys

like, uh, plumbing

- What? - Or mixing concrete.

Whatever it is kids like to do nowadays.

When you start talking, you have no idea

where you're going, do you?

- But I get there. - Mama?

He thinks he's making sense, honey.

Look, pops, this is something that Tuga wanted to do.

And I just can't let him quit, just because it's hard at first.

Why not? You quit everything?

I got a closet full of your quitting gear.

Your quitting golf clubs.

Your quitting science kit.

And my favorite of all your quits

the husky size scuba gear.

Hey, I would have kept that up

if I could have kept them seals from trying to freak me.

Horny little buzzards.

And I was nearly violated by a walrus.

[upbeat music]

Hello, my Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa.

Hello, my shiftless single-wood pea-brain.

Hmm, look at that, see we already got pet names.

Come on, Lydia. Let me take you away from all this.

To where? Your mama's house?

Please. To my daddy's van.

Yeah.

Hey, why don't you go there and wait for me

and if I'm not there in five hours, start without me.

Hey, I'm already started.

Hey, everybody, be prepared to be dazzled.

What is in that case? Is that a clarinet?

- Bam! - Oh, Lord.

It's back. I thought, I buried that thing.

You did. It's music from beyond the grave.

- Huh? - Hey, relax, pops.

Look, I'm gonna start taking clarinet lessons.

to set an example. So Tuga can stick with the piano.

You're gonna play the clarinet?

You don't have to do that for me.

Oh, no, son, it's gonna be fun.

I've already called Ms. Wilson. It's set up.

Ms. Wilson. I bet she'd like to see the inside of my van.

- Jealous? - No.

I'm starting to feel sorry for the van.

Where you gonna play the clarinet?

You know, you can't put anything in your mouth

without eating it.

[laughs]

Oh, that's not true, pops.

This morning I used your toothbrush. Ha-ha.

[upbeat music]

Hey, Lauren, thanks for having the lessons over here

at your place, you know, between Marcus and my pops

my place was getting a little crowded.

So do you actually want to learn how to play

or should I just bend over and clean something

'cause the price is the same.

No. Look I want to learn.

I want to set an example for my son.

Oh, you're serious.

I think that's great.

I mean, I feel if I stick with an instrument, he will too.

Okay. Well, let's get started with a proper warm-up routine.

You should always begin by stretching your lip

and face muscles. So.

[both] Ha. Hoo.

Ha. Hoo.

Ooh-wee.

Ooh, wee.

Ooh, wee. Ooh.

Wee. Ooh-wee!

Were you just looking at my boobs?

Um. A little.

- Then I'd say, we had enough. - Hmm.

Now, you told me you took a few lessons as a child.

So let's just start with a simple C scale.

Sure. Okay. Alright. Uh..

[plays the clarinet]

[cries]

Okay, okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on.

I know I'm a little rusty. But my playing's not that bad.

No, no, no. It's not just your playing.

[sobs] My boyfriend broke up with me last night and..

Well, you just remind me so much of him.

Oh. Hey, what did he look like me?

No, he's sat in that chair

- Oh. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Professional, right? - Yeah.

- Please continue. - Okay.

[continues playing]

What are you, made of stone?

Aren't you gonna ask me what happened.

You know, maybe I should just switch chairs.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't burden you with this.

Let's just continue with the lesson.

Well, yeah, especially not since I'm paying for this by the hour.

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!

You know what? Maybe I should come back

when you a little less crazy.

Oh, sure, just leave me. You men are all alike.

Hold on. What are you talking about? Women leave too. Okay.

- My wife left me. - Waa, waa, waa.

You came here to whine, or play music?

You know what, Lauren.

Have you ever thought about taking medication

I'm on medication. Why do you think I'm handling this so well?

- Now, play. - Hmm. Uh..

[clarinet music]

[continues playing]

[moans] That was awesome.

Amazing. It took me to another place.

You got some last night, didn't you?

Oh, yeah! I gave it away like free cheese.

[chuckles] I just hope you didn't give it away on this chair.

Oh, hell, Lauren.

Look, when you told me I was getting good

did you really mean it, or were you just telling me that

so I can buy more lessons.

Anthony. He-he-he.

Okay, both.

[telephone rings]

Hello. Oh, hey, Jason.

What do you mean you're going out of town

the night of the recital.

But it's this Saturday.

Where am I supposed to find another clarinet player by then?

[clarinet music]

Well, I guess, I'm just gonna have to cancel the concert.

[clarinet music] I'm sorry.

Someone's playing the clarinet really loud in my ear.

Anthony, I'm on the phone.

And I'm a clarinet player.

What's your point?

Look, I can do this, I can play the recital, Lauren.

Oh, Anthony. I don't know.

They're very advanced musicians.

Come on. Just give me a chance.

Hold on Jason. I'm getting another call.

Hello.

Hey, sweetie.

[laughs] Yeah, I'm naked.

I'm always naked when you call.

- No, she's not. - Shh.

You're wearing my underwear. How did you get those?

Lauren, I can do this. Look, it's not for me, it's for Tuga.

- Well.. - If you don't let me do it.

I'm gonna strip butt naked, right here right now.

Don't let me get down to my drawers.

Okay, okay. Fine, fine. It's a simple enough piece.

- Alright. - Here. Here's the sheet music.

But you must be at rehearsal tomorrow night.

Yes! Wait till Tuga here's this.

[laughs] Hey, thank you, Lauren.

Hey, baby, did you get those panties off yet? Ahh.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jason.

[piano music]

It sounds really good, Tuga. You're doing great

I swear to God if you don't make him stop I will jam

this pencil in my ear, until it comes out the other side.

Well, that's alright, baby, long as you can pay the rent.

[grunts]

Uh, what did she want?

Nothing, honey, don't worry about.

- Hello, happy family. - Hey, sweetie.

The hills are alive with the sounds of me.

Hey, son, guess what your daddy's doing Saturday night?

You're staring in the movie?

No.

You finally got a date.

No.

You're taking me to Disneyland.

Oh, come on, man, You're taking the steam out of this.

I'm gonna be playing in Ms. Wilson's orchestra

this Saturday night at Wayne Recital Hall.

- You? - Oh, my God.

Honey, that is wonderful.

That's not the best part, mama.

Not only am I playing in the orchestra.

But I have my own solo that finishes off the piece.

Ahh.

If you've got a solo that'll certainly finish it off.

That's cool, dad.

See, this is why I do it.

- Can I be in an orchestra? - Oh, sure you can, son.

If you continue to practice hard like daddy's doing

you go to your lessons and you stick to them

and if you eat your broccoli.

Broccoli? Nah.

Nothing's worth that

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

Wow!

Wayne Recital Hall.

They say if you can make it here, well

then you can find Jefferson Boulevard. Ha-ha.

So? What do you think?

- Pretty impressive, huh? - Look at this.

I really made it.

This Saturday, I'll be performing on that stage

and my son will see what it means not to quit.

Oh.

Who are they?

The rest of the orchestra you're playing with.

[laughs]

I quit.

Please, please, please.

You can't quit.

Look, I can't play with them.

I'll look like an idiot standing up there with those kids.

How do you think I feel?

I have to conduct those

whiny little bed wetters.

Hey. Seriously, honey.

- Up the dosage. - Anthony.

Listen, music does not discriminate against age.

I mean they may be young, but they're incredible.

How good could they be?

Ingrid. Knock it out

[violin music]

Okay, that's cool, but can she play Tupac.

- Which album? Ingrid? - Okay. Okay. Okay.

Look, it's bad enough that they're smaller than me

but they're better than me, too.

Look, I can't do this.

I thought you were doing this for your son.

Look, Lauren, I want to set a good example for him.

Okay, not humiliate myself.

If I wanted to do that, I'd pick him up

from school wearing a speedo.

Fine, explain that to the kids

when you tell them, that we have to cancel the recital

because we don't have a clarinet player.

- You're not gonna get me to- - Everyone, listen up.

Anthony has something to say to you.

What?

Um..

Hey, kids, you know sometimes-

Anthony, we just want to thank you for saving our recital.

My grandpa's gonna get to hear me play before he dies.

And it'll be the first time my mommy and daddy

will be in the same room since his parole.

I love you.

Oh, I love you too, sweetie.

Okay guys I'm in.

[all cheering]

Will your mommy and daddy be coming?

[chuckles] Not if I can help it.

Alright! Yay!

Marcus, what are you doing here?

It's 4 o'clock. It's time for Tuga's piano lesson.

And I hope Ms. Wilson is wearing that sweater I bought her.

I need some help, man.

You know, I need my parents out of town this weekend.

Because I don't want my father coming

to my concert on Saturday night.

- Why not? - Well, It seems like.

I'm the only one in orchestra that

doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

They all Jewish?

Hey, un-ass my chair.

Hey, look, pops, I've been, I've been thinking, man.

Maybe you and mama should go away for the weekend.

How about you take mama to Vegas?

Boy, I told you never to mention Vegas in this house.

Don't you remember why we went bankrupt in '87?

Yeah, that was the Spam and SpaghettiOs year.

Really? Have you ever had them together?

It's good stuff.

It was your mom and them slot machines, Anthony.

That's why we went bankrupt.

I tell you at the end of the weekend her right arm

was twice the size of her left one.

Boy, I don't never want to hear the word

Vegas mentioned in this house.

Vegas!

Did somebody say, Vegas?

Uh, him.

You see, what you started? You see, what you've done

Now, distract her, while I go burn her casino pants.

Mom, I was just suggesting the pops that you know

he'd take you away for this weekend.

Oh, no, honey. Not this weekend.

We're coming to your concert.

You know what, mama, they canceled the concert.

Uh, the the violinist, she came down-

Oh, sweetie, that's too bad.

Vegas, it is.

Tuga, bring down my copper bag.

Grandma's going to Sin City!

But, but, Flo, look-

Joe, relax, honey, you'll be fine.

There's spam in the fridge. Get up, baby.

Get up, get up, up, up!

Whoo, change!

Hey, dad, Sammy's brother said, you were going to be playing

in his orchestra on Saturday.

I thought you said the concert was canceled.

And I thought Sammy's brother was 10 years old.

I got it. Ha-ha-ha.

You're gonna be playing with a kiddie orchestra.

[laughs]

The proper terminology is tweeners.

- What's that? - Alright.

And they're good, pops. I mean prodigies even.

[laughs]

I'm not laughing at them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the laughs on me.

Look, man, I'm trying to set an example for my son.

So why don't you set a Joe example and not come. Okay?

Because I don't need you mocking me

when I'm trying to do the right thing.

You actually think I'm gonna miss the chance

to see you playing the clarinet with a bunch of kids.

[laughs]

- Uh, Mr. Anderson. - Huh?

I believe it preferred terminology as tweeners.

[laughs]

Marcus, spell terminology and I won't

put my foot between your butt cheeks.

Okay, I'll see y'all at the concert

[upbeat music]

Oh, I am so proud of my son, Joe.

It took 20 years, but Anthony finally got here.

Flo, you get here every Wednesday.

This is where you play bingo.

You know, baby, they, uh..

They have a gambler's anonymous meeting here every Tuesday.

I don't have a gambling problem, Joe.

I will bet you, I don't have a gambling problem.

Hi, Lydia, I'm holding a seat for you.

Oh, thank you, Marcus.

- Move your hand. - I will.

After you sit down.

Marcus, as charming as you are.

If you were the last man on Earth

I'd let the species end.

That's cool. I'm still calling us our first date

My dad says, never quit.

But in your case, give it up.

Oh, it's starting, it's starting.

[crowd applauds]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us

for an evening of Chopin and sugar cookies.

And I'd like to extend a special welcome

to any single dads in the audience.

Except for Brooke's dad.

Pig.

Now, without any further ado, let the magic begin.

[applause]

[cheering]

Mine's the one in the back playing the cello.

- Which one's yours? - The tall handsome one.

Wow, what are you feeding him?

Everything?

[orchestral music]

[music continues]

[plays off tune]

[laughs]

Well, I got what I came for.

[laughs]

There goes my scholarship.

[upbeat music]

Oh.

Lauren, I'm-I'm sorry, I screwed up your recital.

Don't feel bad, a lot of men your age

have performance problems.

I was doing this for Tuga.

I was trying to teach him a lesson in persistence

and I blew it.

You were great, dad.

Oh, no, I wasn't, son.

I messed up.

Like grandma said

you did it and you tried.

Thanks, little man. So, uh..

- Are you going to quit piano? - No way.

Then I wouldn't be able to see Ms. Wilson anymore.

[chuckles]

Oh, that news is going to make

Marcus and your grandpa really, really happy.

Maybe we should put bleachers up in your living room

and start charging admission.

- 50-50 split? - Deal.

Ha-ha.

You know what? I might never be in a recital hall again.

God willing.

I'm going to make this right.

Slowly relax your fingers.

[clarinet music]

Don't fight the reed.

[plays off tune]

Say, what you want about him, but he's not a quitter.

Well, he sure better hurry up

'cause my videotape is only two hours long.

[clarinet music]

[laughs] I did it! I did it!

That what it's supposed to sound like.

- Yeah. - You did it, dad! You did it!

Ahh!

Oh, Joe, did you get it?

Yeah, I got it.

[theme music]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0