Original subtitles

Thanks, Ms. Johnson.

[horn honks] Man.

Hair roller's and a house coat,

and she's still fine. Ha-ha-ha.

- Oh, yeah. - Whoo.

Man, have we lowered our standards.

Oh, yeah.

[laughter]

Hey, big man, how was school today?

Math, recess.

I drew a clown? It's always the same.

Oh, Tuga, what's the matter, man?

-You wouldn't understand. - Tuga, you're only six.

What's the biggest problem you could have?

You eat some play-doh that didn't agree with you?

Tommy Carey's having a bowling party next weekend.

Good for him. You know, I like that kid.

But I'm not invited.

Oh, Tommy Carey, the kid we hate.

Hey, Tuga, talk to me.

Tommy invited all the boys in the class

except for me and the kid with two mommies.

Oh, son, I know exactly where you're coming from.

When I was your age, there was this kid

who had to eat lunch by himself

play at recess by himself

and all the kids made fun of his nappy fro.

Dad, were you that kid?

No. He was the one making fun of my nappy fro.

But by the end of the year,

Progo Head was my best friend. Ha-ha-ha.

Great story. Can we move back to New York?

Oh, come on, son.

You know, we came out here to be with grandma and grandpa

and if we leave now, we'll miss the fun part

when grandpa gets senile.

I miss my old friends.

Oh, well, then we'll just make you some new ones, son.

How about we throw our own bowling party?

Uh, you can't do that. Tommy's already doing that.

Why don't you take him to that petting zoo?

Marcus, I'm six.

Hey, Tuga, I got it.

How about I'll take your friends on a camping trip?

We get to make some s'mores, or we'll tell ghost stories

and if by the end of the weekend that Tommy Carey

doesn't invite you to his party,

we'll just walk him home through a patch of poison ivy.

[laughs]

Do you know how to camp?

Heh. How hard could it be?

Of course, I did say that about barbecuing on the fire escape.

But you got to meet a fireman.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one.. ?

? They've rubbed off the other ?

? I just step my step day by day ?

? They can't stop a brother ??

Then I had to wash my hands with it.

- Women's rights. - Did everything to get it off.

- Oh, hey, everybody. - Hey, honey.

- Oh, mm, mm. - And how you doing today?

My little breakfast burrito.

[sighs] Marcus, how many times do I have to tell you.

I'm not Mexican, I'm Puerto Rican.

Alright, then. How you doing today, my little bay of pigs.

[laughs]

First of all, that's in Cuba.

Why am I still talking to you?

I can feel myself getting dumber by the second.

Well, in that case, you'll be mine by next week.

Anthony, Is there anything

you want mama to put on the grocery list?

[laughs] Just add anything with a ho-ho

or a doodle in it and he'll be fine.

Actually, mama, I do have something to contribute

to the grocery list this week.

- Where'd you get that cash? - You know what?

I did a lingerie party with Marcus last night.

Well, look, just don't wear nothing lace around the house

here, because I'm just getting comfortable

with you folks being in the military.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

As much as I enjoy the touch of silk against my big body

I don't model the stuff, pops.

No, no, Mr. Anderson, I got some young lovelies that do that.

Mm-hmm. See, this is what happens, pops.

Marcus goes to the ladies house, right?

And she just invites her friends over

and then somebody makes a pitcher of pink panties

and they all get drunk.

And then Marcus, he gets a commission

on all the lingerie that they buy.

Yeah, it's just like a Tupperware party.

Except what we sell shows off their tuppers.

Ha, ha!

Last night, all I did was mix drinks.

- Yeah. - And I got 10% of the cut.

- Alright. - Mm-hmm. Plus

A lovely lavender camisole that'll knock your eyes out.

Work it, work it, work it. Drop it..

Pow!

Don't you smack that. Don't you smack that.

Dad, guess what? I just saw Tommy Carey.

- Tommy Carey? The kid we hate? - No, we like him now.

He wants to come on the camping trip this weekend.

- Oh, that's good, son. - Hey, wait a minute.

You're taking Tuga on the camping trip?

Mm-hmm.

I better call the search party now

and let them get a head start. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, Pops, could you please be a bit more positive?

I'm trying to help Tuga make new friends.

Pop-pop, why don't you come with us?

Oh, pop-pop would love to, Tuga

but pop-pop got to go to church this weekend.

Joe, you haven't been to church in 25 years.

Somebody got to pray for him. Ha-ha-ha.

Let mama do it, because God's still talking to her.

[laughs]

Hey, but, Flo, since these two are, uh

going out of town for the weekend, maybe you and me

can finally have a little peace and quiet.

Well, there might be a problem with that, baby.

Lydia and I signed on to give one of Marcus' lingerie parties

here on Saturday night.

Here where? Not in my living room.

Okay, well, then we'll give it in my living room.

Florence Gwendlyn Anderson? I don't think so.

- Did you just use my full name? - No, ma'am.

[laughter]

Looks like I'm going camping with you guys.

Well, Tuga, looks like we found our bug repellent.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

[kids screaming] Alright, calm down.

[blows whistle] Calm down!

Come on, pops they're just having fun?

Kind of like you every time you steal a handicapped spot.

First of all, those people shouldn't be driving.

Secondly, we're going on a camping trip.

It's not about fun.

It's about kicking nature's butt.

Alright, you ankle biters, fall in line.

Toes on the rug edge.

Now, listen up.

We will leave at precisely 1300 hours.

Now, you're all probably going to want

to do some sing-along in the van.

[kids cheering]

No!

Some of you are probably going to want to stop on the way

and get a nice burger.

[cheering]

No!

Each of you will be issued one.

Count them, one carrot.

Which must sustain you until we arrive, as you were.

Okay, now that Captain Bug-Up-His-Butt has spoken.

[all laugh]

So, dad, do you think we're going to see any wild animals?

Oh, of course, son.

Maybe a fox, or maybe even a lion.

[roars]

But have no fear, I'll protect you. You know what I'll do?

I'll throw Tuga's grandpa in front of him.

We'll make a run for it.

[laughter]

Or we can throw Anthony to the thing

let it eat for a month, and we can walk out of there.

[laughter]

Alright, everybody, pick a buddy. Pick a buddy.

Sammy, I meant pick a buddy your own size.

My mom says, if I keep eating

like you do, I will be your size.

[laughs] That's my buddy.

Well done, soldier. Come on over here.

[knock on door] Let's go.

Hello? Hey, St. Pierre Lingerie Party at your service.

Now, Mr. Anderson, are you sure

you don't want to stick around for the party?

Because I can put you in a smoking jacket

and maybe you can serve some daiquiris.

[growls]

Okay, have fun camping.

Hey, man, so you all set for the party?

Are we leaving or are we joying?

Come on, pops, can I have a minute to say goodbye?

Hey, Anthony, you're not marching to your death.

I'm going into the woods with you.

You never know.

Let's move it. We're already four minutes behind schedule.

Move it! Move it! Move it!

You know what, man, by the end of the weekend

pops is going to have these kids ready to invade Mexico.

Hey, have fun.

Oh, uh, uh.

You forgot one!

[upbeat music]

It's pretty here.

I've never been in the woods before.

Tuga, this is cool.

My dad and I do cool stuff like this all the time.

Hey, guys, shh!

Look, look at that deer.

It looks just like Bambi.

I knew I should have brought my rifle.

Left, right, left, left, left.

Left, right, left, left, left.

Tommy fell.

Anthony, man down.

Come on, pops, why do I have to carry them all, man?

Because you're the one that got us lost.

Hey, I told you, the map said go right.

And I told you, that the moss on the tree indicate-

Hey, pops, the moss ain't lost. We are.

Get down.

Are we lost?

Oh, no, no, no, no, son.

We're not lost, not at all. You know what?

We're blazing our own trail.

Hey, guys, let's set up camp right here.

Mr. Anderson, I still have to go to the bathroom.

We should cut our losses with this one.

That's the same thing I've been telling mama about you.

I'm tired.

This trip totally stinks, Tuga.

Dad, I don't think this is helping me

get invited to his party.

- Can we go back to the car? - Yeah.

We could if we knew where it was.

Hey, come on, kids, we're having an adventure.

This is something that you're going to remember

for the rest of your lives.

Man, the way things are going, that could be one crappy hour.

Lingerie coming through.

- Okay, how we doing? - Great.

I think everyone is properly liquored up and ready to spend.

Okay, let's just clarify.

Now, I get 30% off the top just for throwing this thing.

No, that was if Lydia agreed to model and considered

she slapped me when I asked. You're down to 20.

Yeah, well, after I slap you. I'll be back up to 30.

30's fair.

Okay, so as soon as we get this

product on the models, we can begin.

- Uh-oh. - Uh-oh?

Uh-oh, that can't be good.

Flannel shirt, long underwear, a tent?

What kind of freaky gear is this?

That's the boys' camping stuff.

Wait a second. If we've got their camping gear..

Oh.

[owl hooting]

What kind of an idiot can't tell the difference

between a black duffel bag and a blue duffel bag? Hmm.

I guess me and the idiot who watched me

carry it around for the last three hours.

Don't blame Billy for this.

Nice going, Tuga.

This is the worst camping trip ever.

Aw, hey, come on, old man.

I know you're getting cold.

You're gonna have to put it on sometime.

[upbeat music]

Come on.

Whoo. Come on.

Whoo. Come on!

You'd be better off rubbing your thighs together.

You get more heat.

What? You got a better idea?

Bam.

Why didn't you tell me you had matches, man?

Are you kidding? Watching you is the most fun I've had all day.

There's only one in here.

- Ah, we only need one. - Okay.

- What are you doing? - You told me to start a fire.

Yeah, but there's nothing to burn.

I gotta get some twigs and-

Hurry, hurry, hurry, pops.

Hurry, my fingers are getting hot. Ow, ow.

Well, thank you, Gilligan.

- This sucks. - I'm bored.

There's no TV.

Dad, no one's having fun. You have to do something.

Oh, okay. Don't worry, Tuga. I will. I will.

Hey, pops, maybe one of us should go out there

and try to find a park ranger.

Oh, that's brilliant, Anthony.

A park ranger finds us in the woods

with these kids and all this women's underwear.

They will lock us under the jail.

Hey, everybody, get to bed.

We'll get up early in the morning and find the car

in the daylight and get out of here.

What about our dinner?

You can have dinner in your dreams.

Why are you so mean?

Because I haven't eaten a little boy today.

I want a new buddy.

Hey, pops, the kid's got a point, man.

- What are you talking about? - You are mean.

Look, it's a bad situation, man, and you can't even

relax and sit back and try to have some fun.

Remember, we're doing this for Tuga

and you're just standing here making it worse.

Anthony, we have no food

no tent, no sleeping bag.

I haven't had this much fun since I got locked

in a porta potty at the Million Man March.

You really think that Marcus' stupid idea's gonna work?

It better work, I didn't lay out this spread for nothing

and I want my 30 percent

and my complimentary peek-a-boo teddy.

Hey.

[upbeat music]

Hello.

Okay, okay, okay.

Ladies and gentle ladies

[chuckles] we have a little change in tonight's program.

St. Pierre is introducing

a whole new call of the wild line

for you adventurous types.

Outdoor wear for indoor games.

(all) Ooh!

Well, we begin with Alexis.

[all exclaiming]

As you can see, Alexis has on lovely boots

made of genuine Singapore rubber

and a shirt made of the finest..

What is that, flannel?

Oh, okay. Can we start at $60?

Anyone here $60?

No one's gonna pay 60 bucks for that crap.

Ooh, I will take it.

My boyfriend is always asking me

to wear stuff like that.

Sold to the tipsy woman on the couch.

And let's say hello to Misty.

(all) Ooh!

Misty knows something

all the mademoiselles in Paris know.

Flannel is the new silk?

Ooh, is that vintage? I'll take it.

Well, hell if they'll buy that, Joe's got a closet

full of crap upstairs I've been dying to get rid of.

Can't keep your man home on a Saturday night?

Say hello to Marie, who's wearing bungee cord

and duct tape to keep him in his place.

(all) Ooh!

[applause]

Beautiful. Beautiful.

[spits]

Dirt doesn't taste good.

- You're a liar. - Not by itself.

Man, you're supposed to mix it up, with twigs and a rock.

[laughs]

- Dad, where's grandpa? - I don't know.

Has anybody seen him?

I think he got away. He's lucky.

No, I'm serious.

I hope he's doing alright out there.

You know, 'cause a lot of scary stuff

can happen when you're in these woods.

What do you mean?

Oh, you haven't heard the one about when the..

No, I can't tell you guys that one.

- What? Say it? - Tell us. Tell us.

No, no, no, I can't tell you that. That one's too scary.

Please.

Alright. But only if you promise not to get frightened.

Many, many years ago..

How many?

Before Sponge Bob had square pants.

(all) Ooh!

Yeah, there was a group of kids, just like you..

...who went on a camping trip, but got lost.

And they didn't listen to the locals about

the child-eating leaf-nest monster

who had branches for hands!

Nobody has branches for hands.

And smart kids don't eat dirt.

[laughter]

Now, as I was saying.

He didn't always start out as a monster.

He was a little kid.

Just like a little kid here.

Hmm?

But he was ignored and excluded at school.

And not invited to parties.

So..

...he ran away to the woods

and buried himself in the ground.

And legend has it, he lies in wait..

...ready...to gobble up any kid that's mean to another.

(all) Ooh!

They say that just before the leaf-nest monster attacks

there are three warning signs.

And the first warning sign

is the wind begins to howl from the north.

That's south.

Don't push it, little girl.

What's next?

The second sign is the hooting of an owl.

Hoo.

Hoo.

[hooting]

And the third sign, is the telltale rustling of the leaves

that can only be heard right before he jumps up

and gobbles up all the children!

[kids screaming]

[growls]

[laughter]

I was so scared!

That was so much fun!

That was better than TV!

I'm the leaf-nest monster! Ahhh!

[kids screaming]

Don't tell me I don't know how to have fun.

Jumping up and scaring the crap out of a bunch of little kids.

Now, that's fun.

Yeah, you did a good thing, pops.

Yeah.

You did a good thing too, son.

I'll tell you something, Anthony.

Tuga's lucky kid.

Wow.

Hey, pops, if a crazy old man

says something nice to you in the woods

and there's nobody around to hear it

did it really happen?

Did what really happen?

[upbeat music]

[kids laughing]

There's my campers. How was your trip?

First I liked it, then I hated it.

Then I liked it, then I hated it.

Then I got scared, then I liked it.

Oh, okay, baby. I get it. I get it.

- It was great, Mrs. Anderson! - That's wonderful, baby.

Hey, Tuga, want to come to my bowling party next week?

- I might be able to make it. - Okay.

Okay, babies, come on, let's call your parents

so they can come and get you.

Please!

Oh, Lord.

[chuckles]

What you smiling about?

You know what, pops?

When we stop bickering, man

we can actually have fun together.

Yeah, but it works better if I have branches for hands.

[growls]

No, I like you better covered in leaves.

[laughter]

Oh, hey. Welcome back.

You remember my friend Holly.

Well, we've got a test to study for.

That looks like my old flannel work shirt.

Mm. Well, on her, it's working.

I told your mother if I kept that stuff long enough

it'd come back in fashion. Hey, Flo.

Break out my old wardrobe. I am back in style.

- Thanks again, dad. - Oh.

Hey, so we cool, big man?

You don't want to move back to New York, do you?

Mm-mm. I'd miss all my new friends.

Hey, how about you and I go fishing next weekend?

I can't. I'm going to Tommy's party.

Oh, yeah? We'll do that.

He didn't invite you.

What? He doesn't want me to go?

After I gave him the best weekend of my life.

You think, it's because I made him eat dirt?

Or because I made him wear negligee?

[laughs]

I think it was, the getting lost in the woods with no food.

You know what? I don't know about this kid, man.

He's pretty high maintenance.

[theme music]

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