Original subtitles

Well, the 30 days is up, I guess, you know what that means?

Whoo! Time to clip your nose hair.

No, baby, we do that every two weeks.

Look, y'all can't bother me today, 'cause today's a day

we clean out the lost and found box.

And oh, hey, happy birthday to me.

I have a new video camera.

Joseph Anderson that camera does not belong to you.

That was left behind by some customer, look.

He's taking pictures of his son getting his first haircut.

- Look the delete button works. - Oh.

Oh, hey, look here, pops

look what else you lost in the box.

- Huh? - Hmm.

Your sense of decency.

Excuse me. I was here about four weeks ago-

No, too late. The 30-day limit is up.

It's mine. It's mine, it's mine.

You'll have to excuse my father, man

he's, uh, morally challenged.

Actually, I left a red sweater, crew neck.

Oh? Oh, yeah, sure. Okay.

There you go right there player, uh, you just gonna

gonna wash that out, man, that'll come out. I promise.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But if one.. ?

? They've rubbed off the other ?

? I just step my step day by day ?

? They can't stop a brother ??

Four plus four equals?

- Tommy? - I told you.

My special doctor says, I don't have to answer your question.

No, Tommy, your special doctor says

your feelings are important.

I know, but I don't feel like answering your questions.

Alright, I'll see you later, Ms. Johnson. Hey.

I can't take you anywhere.

Hey, uh, don't worry about that, Mrs. Offerman

I'm not gonna sue, you know, this is a public school.

We all know they ain't got no money. Ha-ha.

You're right. So you'll be replacing all those supplies.

Or I could just make it up to the students

and tell them a joke. Uh..

Hey, guys, did you see the cereal box and the fruit punch?

Now, that's what I call a food fight.

[kids chattering]

That jokes stinks, Tuga's dad.

Hey, man, you laughed at that one last week.

We're older and wiser now.

- Tough room you got here. - At least no one bit you.

Okay, everybody, I'll see you tomorrow and don't forget

to start work on your family projects

for parents night, okay?

Uh, I'll pick that up later.

Uh, hey, Mrs. Offerman.

- So how's Tuga doing? - Oh, great.

- He is acing sing-along - Oh.

Oh, listen, there's one thing.

In class today we were talking about our family projects

and some of the kids started teasing Tuga

for not having a mommy in the house.

Hey.

Was it big head Tommy?

Legally, I'm not allowed to tell you.

Look, I just wanted you to know because Tuga seemed

a little sensitive about not having a mom in the house.

So maybe you could work with him on this parents night project

and help him understand that even though

his family is a little different from the others

it still is a family.

You got it, Tuga and I are gonna make

the best parents night project you've ever seen.

Last year Frankie Wilson dad. helped him put on this

multimedia presentation tracing his family history

all the way back to the Mayflower.

Okay, second best.

Uh, see, 'cause, I don't think the children really want to hear

about the boat trip that my great-grandfather..

[clicks tongue]

[yells]

Anderson, came over with.

Alright, come on, son, let's roll.

[upbeat music]

Damn, I'm fine.

Hey, mama, you know what?

I think it'd be a great idea if we all work on this

collage together and give Tuga a sense of family.

So which kids were making fun of him, I want names?

- Pop, it's not important. - No, the hell is not.

Some pint-sized punk is cruising for a bruising.

I want to know who.

Joe, you can't hit children.

Yeah, but I can pay other kids to.

I got supplies, dad.

Okay, so who's ready to get their collage on?

Okay, Tuga, now, look, here comes the fun part.

Where we pick out the best pictures of our family.

Dad can we put in a picture of mom?

- Are we voting? - No.

Of course you can, son, I mean look, she's still a part

of this family, even though she doesn't live here.

Oh, look at this one of little Anthony

and Mr. A in an amusement park.

Yeah, that's him crying when I took him on

the kiddie roller-coaster.

I was five and the ride was called Descent to Hell.

The grown man next to me peed his pants.

All this time I thought that was you.

Kinda take something away from the picture

but, nah, it still makes me smile.

[laughter]

Joe, Joe, look at this picture

of Anthony when he was a baby.

Anthony? Hmm.

Always thought that was a black forest ham.

Of course, that's me, pops.

Why would you be burping a ham?

You know, Joe, if you're not gonna help-

I am trying to help, Flo.

But this collage is boring.

Every kid there's gonna have a collage.

Tuga needs to be doing something special.

Well, I think a collage is sweet.

It's so heartwarming to see all your family.

Uh-uh, not Cousin Silia, that woman is dead to me.

Hey, Tuga.

If you want to have a real good project

forget all this.

You oughta let pop-pop take a movie

of the whole family with his new video camera.

- Movies? - Yeah.

Tuga, if you have anything to do with that camera

you'll be an accessory to grand larceny.

I don't know what that means, dad.

But if I get to make a movie, I'm okay with it.

[laughs]

Yeah, and you know what, I can shoot it

and then you guys can all be in it.

[overlapping chatter]

Hey, hey, hey. We all loved the collage idea an hour ago.

Oh, you're just mad, 'cause my video idea is better than

your collage, which by the way is French for dumb.

Oh, no, actually, Mr. A, collage is French for-

For what? Rent increase?

Actually, dumb is close enough.

You know what, pops, I'm not gonna let you ruin

this for Tuga, like you ruined all of my school projects.

I never ruined a school project of yours.

Uh, honey, need I remind you about Joe versus the volcano?

[blows]

Hey, relax, everybody, this is what volcanoes do.

Children, ignore him, move out orderly

single file line, like we practiced.

Hey, Anthony, come on.

[chuckles] Kids.

- Way to go, dad. - Oh, shut up.

Did you know that for five years after that.

Every time there was a fire drill

they called it an Anderson.

They still do.

Why do they call it, Bathroom Freakin' Anthony?

[laughter]

You live here and you don't know?

Well, that's the thanks I get.

I try to help and all you can remember

is the cries and screams of your classmates.

I didn't need your help then

and I don't need your help now.

Well, if you didn't need my help

why'd you move back into my house?

- What? - You heard me.

- Let, just let that go, baby. - No, mama

Why is it that every time we disagree

on something, pops, you bring that up?

Okay, I can see where this is going

I'm just gonna head on upstairs and take an Anthony.

Sweetie, why don't you go in the kitchen and get some cookies.

Oh, no, mama, let him stay.

Look, believe it or not, pops.

We were doing just fine in New York.

Yeah, Sherry left us and and we were sad

for a while, but we had our own apartment.

We had plenty of friends and I was booking

small gigs here and there.

The only thing we didn't have was family

and I wanted that for my son.

That's why I moved back here.

And now I'm beginning to think that that was a bad idea.

Anthony, you don't mean that.

Now, you know, we love having you here.

Well, you might, mama.

But he's definitely not teaching Tuga what family is.

Okay. Okay, Mr Dramatic.

You don't want my help, I won't give it.

Let Tuga flunk out the same way you did.

- I didn't flunk out. - You got an F for the volcano.

But you're the one who built it and set it on fire.

Oh, that's right. Anthony. It's always somebody else's fault?

Damn straight, that's the lesson about family

that I'm trying to teach him.

Count your blessings, baby, at least pop-pop

hasn't set your project on fire.

Yeah.

[upbeat music]

Hey, hey, I hope that collage isn't done yet.

I brought my picture.

Dad, is it okay to put a picture of Lydia on here?

Oh, of course it is, son, she's family.

Look, she lives with us, she even helps us take care of you.

- Tuga, who's this? - Aunt Sally.

Oh, oh. That's actually Uncle Henry.

But to be fair Aunt Sally is..

Well, she ugly.

Dad, I don't know any of these people.

That's why they're called distant relative, son.

We only have to see them at weddings and at funerals.

Oh, and of course, if you ever hit the lotto

[laughs] woo, that doorbell gonna be ringing.

I don't know, dad, this collage is boring.

Did I hear a call for video camera help.

Pops, why don't you make yourself useful?

Why don't you take the camera in the backyard

and go wrestle yourself?

Alright, we're finished with this project.

Well, what is this? Why is Bill Cosby in this collage?

Oh, because we like pudding.

[laughs]

Hey, Tug, we still got plenty of time to make a good movie

for your class and if we make a movie

you don't have to talk about any of these people.

- I'm in. - Alright.

Look, pops, I told you we got this taken care of, man

we don't need your help.

Well, evidently your son disagrees with you.

Come on, Tuga, let's go make us a nice movie

about our lovely family.

But who do we get to play your dad?

- Is Bill Cosby busy? - Hmm.

[upbeat music]

Hey, man, why are you wearing your good suit?

Did somebody die, or we going to court?

Grandpa told me to wear this for the family movie.

Alright. Well, you make sure you keep those tags tucked in

'cause that's going right back to the store

as soon as you outgrow it.

Ready and action.

You know, darling, the only thing sweeter

than the chirp of the birds, that woke me this morning

is the smell of your cuisine.

Oh, thank you, Joseph, but no self-respecting woman

would let her family go out and face the world

on an empty stomach.

Why, there's our lovely grandson Tuga. Now, come, Tug.

[laughs]

There's nothing the little tyke and I enjoy more

than a little rough house with our favorite lab mix Benji.

What?

Man, we don't even have a dog.

And you hate dogs, almost as much as

mama hates Mavis Nelson.

Anthony, we don't use the hate word in this house.

- This is a house of love. - True, true.

This is our son, Anthony.

Whom I was kind enough to take in, after his wife dumped him.

Well, that's the kind of good person I am.

He's crazy. Look.

First off, we didn't need to be taken in.

And secondly, he locked us out.

My mama had to let us in the back.

- Should I be taping all this? - No, turn it off.

No, no, no. Keep that on, keep that on.

In his spare time, did my dad tell you

he's also the Prime Minister of Canada.

How dare you. You know, how I feel about those people.

Well, it's almost believable as the rest

of this. Mr. Rogers act.

Anthony, we're just trying to show

the family in its best light.

Mama, will you talk some sense into him?

Anthony, we know people down at that school

and I'll be damned if I let Mavis Nelson

see me in a house coat.

What?

Mama, you used to take me

grocery shopping in that house coat.

Anthony, we're just trying to help Tuga do well in school.

Oh, that's the last thing I heard, before

everything burst in the flames

Pops, the purpose of this project

was to teach Tuga about family.

Look, if you're gonna make a movie about it, man

at least make it about our family.

Oh, well, that's it. That's it.

He's out of the movie completely.

I don't want dad out.

Uh, too bad. It's not your camera.

It's not yours either.

[upbeat music]

Hey, buddy.

I'm, sorry things got a little out of hand

between me and grandpa.

And if you really want to do the video

with him, I'm all for it.

The important thing is

this project teaches you what family is.

But I don't like it anymore.

What? Our family, or the project?

Both.

Oh, let's watch it, man, maybe it's not so bad.

(Flo) When I'm not cooking and cleaning

and sacrificing for my family.

You can usually find me doing the Lord's work.

(Joe) In my spare time, I like to rescue lost puppies.

Okay, that is pretty bad.

Why are they acting like that?

Because they knew the camera was on.

Oh.

Hey. Wait a minute.

Why don't we be sneaky and make our own movie

where nobody knows they're on camera?

Yeah, but I don't think they'll let us.

That's because they're not gonna know they're on camera.

What part of sneaky do you not get?

Cool, so what do we ask them?

Boy, woo, you better hope you keep your looks.

? I'm just an average man with an average life ?

? I work from nine-to- five hey hell I pay the price ?

? All I want is to be left alone in my average home ?

? But why do I always feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone and? ?

? I always feel like somebody's watching me ?

? And I have no privacy oh oh oh ?

? I always feel like somebody's watching me ?

? Tell me is it just a dream? ??

There she'll see it.

Uh.

The fridge, let's go.

[grunts]

Okay, go.

[humming]

This one goes to whoever gets on my nerves first.

[upbeat music]

And so I call my one mommy, mommy

and I call my other mommy, mother.

Mother's the tough one. You don't want to cross her.

And that's my family.

[all applaud]

All I can say is, the kid better be taking

some self-defense classes.

Are you kidding? Have you seen mother?

She's walking us to our car.

[laughs]

"And I love them both, but I

"especially like when my dad

"gives me ice cream, right before he drops me off

at my mama's boyfriend's house."

And now, I close with the joke.

Did you see the cereal box and the fruit punch?

Now, that's what I call a food fight.

[laughter]

That's my joke.

- That's my joke. - Thank you very much.

He's stealing my material and he's killing with it.

Thank you for working clean today, Tommy.

When will they get finish with all these damn kids

so they can show my movie.

Okay, next up, we have Tuga Anderson.

- Yeah! - Alright, that's my boy.

That's my baby.

For my project, I made a movie about my family.

All about the Anderson's.

Hey, you look happy.

Not for the same reason you are.

Hi, this is my family and we're a little different.

Let's meet them.

[laughter]

(Joe) 'Anthony, will you hurry up with that toilet paper.'

I'm looking, I'm looking.

[laughter]

That's good, right?

Now, wait a minute, this is not the movie I made.

Oh, hey, don't worry, pops, you're still the star of it.

So your mother just kept backing up

and backing up in the parking lot.

She didn't even hit a grocery cart man

when he hollered watch out.

Women drivers, huh, baby.

[laughs] Here, sweetie.

Here's a special piece just for you.

Ohh.

(Tuga) We don't play checkers with you, dad.

- Lydia, is the lens cap on? - No.

(Lydia) Okay, now it's not.

Alright. Well, what normally happens

if you move there, then I would do this.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam

[laughs] I win! I win!

- Hey, what time is it, son? - 7:21.

Oh, well, that means the 721 rule is in effect.

- What's that mean? - Oh.

That means that, for one minute

when you lose, you automatically win.

- So I win? - Because you lost.

Yaay.

Yes.

- Here we go, here we go. - Let's see what you got.

[burps]

- Oh. - That's your best one yet.

I don't think anybody can beat that.

[burps]

I think we have a winner.

[laughter]

- What are you doing? - N-nothing. W-watching TV.

(Tuga) 'Come on, grandma, do something.'

You want grandma to do something?

Grandma's gonna ground you, if you don't

get that camera out of grandma's face.

How'd your audition go, baby? Did you get it?

Uh, no, mama.

I came so close.

Oh, hey, hey, son, not now, please, man

could you put the camera down?

That's okay, dad, you'll get the next one.

- 'Oh.' - Oh, thanks, big man.

Oh.

Hey, little man, you missed a spot.

That's my soul patch.

[laughter]

Ohh.

See that right there, the whole family together

that's why I moved back home.

That's the reason I let you.

Even though there's no mommy in my house

a family is the people who love you.

Sometimes they yell and that's crazy

but I love my family.

[all cheering]

The boy's right, you people are all crazy.

Oh, yeah, pops. Hey.

Will you tuck me in again tonight?

- Boy, get away from me. - Oh, come on, man.

Look, if you do, I promise, I'll be quicker

with the toilet paper next time.

[laughter]

[theme music]

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