Original subtitles

I do not understand how these celebrities

let themselves get caught, doing nasty things on videotape.

Hey, it can happen.

I ended up on one of those "Girls Gone Wild" videos

You took your top off for free beads?

It was during spring break and my halter fell down

while I was giving mouth to mouth

to this drunk girl who passed out.

Next thing I know, I'm in the commercial

with my chest blacked out.

Oh. Guess they didn't have to

use that much blackout, huh?

Well, I.. It's, what?

They would've had to use a whole bucket for you. Look at these.

[laughter]

- Don't be jealous. - Oh.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one.. ?

? They've rubbed off the other ?

? I just step my step day by day ?

? They can't stop a brother ??

[upbeat music]

Hey, son, where you been?

Playing with Kai-Kai on the porch.

I didn't see anybody out there.

We were playing hide-n-seek. He's good.

Is Kai-Kai that little round-head boy you was playing

basketball with at the park yesterday.

No, that's Ray-Ray, Kai-Kai's my new best friend.

Well, if he's your new best friend

how is it that we haven't met him yet.

Because sometimes he's invisible.

Invisible, huh? Hey, how does he do that?

Magic dust? Do you want some?

Magic dust? Ain't nobody asked me about that since college.

- What? What? - There it goes.

See? Now, I'm invisible

Tuga. Tuga, where are you?

Tuga. I can't see you, Tuga.

Tuga, if you can hear me.

I need you to go upstairs

and take a bath right now.

Okay.

Who said that?

[laughter]

I just don't get it, guys.

I thought he was making tons of new friends.

Why is it that he has to go up and make up an imaginary one?

Don't worry about it, Anthony.

Lots of kids have imaginary friends, huh, baby?

- Yeah. - Well, did you?

Hell, no, I wasn't crazy.

Anthony, Tuga's a six-year- old with a healthy imagination.

Listen, just last week, he and Andrew

were pretending they were kittens.

Is that why he's been peeing in the flower pot?

I gotta keep a better eye on this boy. Tuga!

[upbeat music]

[laughter]

- Lydia. - Oh, my damn.

Baby, something is...different.

Really? Maybe it's the new sweater I'm wearing.

Or maybe, it's the two giant snowballs

you have up under that sweater.

Uh, don't be crass, Anthony.

What you do to your boobies, girl?

Well, after what Anthony said, about my gumdrops last night

I thought I'd try a little experiment.

- Oh. - Lydia, I was only kidding.

And I did not call them gumdrops.

Maybe mosquito bites.

This is something I've always been self-conscious about, okay.

So I thought, I'd try life on the chesty side of the street.

Mm. Well, you straight uptown now, girl.

[laughs]

You know what, say what you want

but I am going out, I am broke

and I have no intention of paying

for a single drink tonight.

- Go, girl. - Okay. okay!

- Right now. Hi, baby. - Hey.

Big man, what have you been up to?

Kai-Kai and I were playing checkers on the porch.

I hope you won.

- Ohh. - Oh, man.

Tuga, what's the purpose of having him around

if you can't even beat him?

If he doesn't ever win, then he won't

want to play with me anymore.

Well, you can't argue with that logic.

[sighs] Guess not. Well.

You know what, son? I'm gonna go congratulate him.

He's not here anymore, dad.

Heh. Of course not.

Hey, but the next time he is here, son

why don't you let me know, so I can say hi.

I don't know, dad, doesn't like grown-ups

[scoffs] Who does?

Tuga, what happened to this flowerpot, man?

- What's this? - Oh, that?

I think, the wind knocked that over.

- Tuga? - Okay. Kai-Kai did it.

But I cleaned it up.

First off, nobody cleaned it up, because it's still here.

Now, tell me what really happened?

I told you, dad, Kai-Kai did it.

Oh! Oh, Kai-Kai.

Right. Well, since I can't see Kai-Kai

you're gonna take the heat for this.

Now, get upstairs to your room

and don't come out until I say so.

I told Kai-Kai, it was going to go down like this.

What?

- Here, baby. - Hey, guys, uh.

I'm starting to get a little worried about Tuga.

You know, now he's blaming Kai-Kai for breaking stuff.

If he breaks any of my stuff

I'mma whoop his little invisible ass.

[laughs]

Serious, mama, this could be a sign of something.

You know, maybe I should take him to somebody.

Somebody to straighten him out.

I don't know, Anthony, the boy's too young

to enlist in the coast guard.

I'm talking about a therapist, pop.

- A therapist? - Yes.

You got to be kidding me. See.

That's the problem with you newfangled parents.

You're too over-reactive

The boy's only six years old. He don't need no psychiatry.

Psychiatry? Man, that isn't even a word.

Oh, you know, what I mean.

Anthony, Anthony, take it easy, baby.

Now, you know all kids have overactive imaginations.

You remember when you were eight years old and you told me

you saw Mr. Shepherd next door murdering his wife.

[Joe laughs] Stop that!

Well, if somebody had had the talk with me

I wouldn't have made that mistake when I walked in

on him and his wife in the backyard.

Don't look at me, boy.

[chuckles] We had the talk.

You threw a banana and some pumpkin seeds at me

and said, any questions?

Anthony, all I'm saying is, that Tuga don't need

nobody messing around in his head.

- Oh, come on, pops. - No, no offense, son.

But let's face it, the boys brain cells

ain't firing on all cylinders right now.

Now, we got to make sure that what he's got

stays in good working order.

Pops, this is my decision. Okay.

I just want to make sure that my kid is okay.

Oh, great, Anthony, and Tuga's gonna walk out of there thinking

the whole world revolves around him and his feelings.

See, I coddled you too much and look how you turned out.

Oh, oh, yeah, pops. You were regular Dr. Spock.

Is that some kind of crack about my ears?

Okay, look, mama, I'll see you later.

I'm gonna go see the doctor, see if Tuga need some psychiatry.

[upbeat music]

- What are you doing here? - I followed you here.

And I'm dragging you home. No, I know you, Anthony.

And there's no way I'mma allow you to go in there

and tell Dr. Looney Tunes

that all of Tuga's problems are my fault. No way.

You know what, pops? Actually, I'm glad that you're here, man.

That way the doctor can find out for himself.

Thank you very much. Okay.

- Anthony Anderson. - Oh, yeah, that's me, doc.

Well, my, you're a big boy, aren't you?

- Come on. - Alright.

Come on, man.

Wow, I remember this. Ha-ha.

See, that's why people like you are quacks.

Why would anybody want to hit a clown?

All they do is spread laughter.

[chuckles] Charming.

[sighs] Alright.

Oh, we haven't officially met.

Joe Anderson, I'm Tuga's granddaddy.

Hmm. Okay. I'm Dr. Harvey.

Gentlemen, please have a seat.

Oh, cool. Excuse me, pop.

There we go.

There you go.

So like I was saying on the phone, doc

I wanted to see you, to see if I needed to bring my son in.

You know, I'm really starting to worry about

his imaginary friend, at first I don't think much of it.

But now, he's starting to blame Kai-Kai for things that he does.

Hmm. Right. Have there been any big changes

in Tuga's life recently?

Uh, yeah, uh. We moved from New York to live with this one.

Oh, oh, oh. Now, it's all my fault, huh?

- I didn't say that. - No, no. Look, Mr. Anderson.

I don't think that your son is blaming you.

Well, that's 'cause you don't know him.

Let me tell you something, doc, our house

has been crazy since he moved back in.

Do you know that this one takes 40-minute showers like a girl?

40 minutes showers.

Oh, talk of girls, at least I pee standing up.

Damn it, Anthony, I told you I hurt my back.

Okay, okay, okay.

I think I'm getting an idea where Tuga's problems

might be coming from, if I lived with you two

I'd invent someone to talk to as well.

So you think we're the problem?

Well, situations like this

can often be placed on

you know, turmoil in the home, or, uh..

Well, I'm pretty sure it's turmoil in the home.

Look, I'm just saying that your conflicts

might have something to do with Tuga's need to escape.

Oh, that's crazy. We're not the problem.

- He is. - He is.

[upbeat music]

Look, all I'm saying, is that if you want to help Tuga

you two are going to have to figure out a way to get along

and create a turmoil free environment at home.

Well, how do we do that, doctor?

Great question, Anthony.

First we are going to establish

a non confrontational dialogue between you.

No way, that ain't never gonna happen.

Okay, that's the spirit.

Pops, this is for Tuga. This is why we're here, right?

Yeah, you're right. I'd do anything for my grandson.

But I'm not gonna be hypnotized.

Penn & Teller made a fool out of him

in Vegas one time at their show.

If I ever get my hands on that little mute

I'll wring his neck.

Hmm. You are fascinating.

Where were you when I was writing my dissertation? Now.

Here's a little exercise that I find to be very effective

with some of my younger patients.

Now, sometimes it's easier to be honest

when you were speaking through a surrogate.

- So, Anthony. - What?

You get to be Pickles the hedgehog.

- Yeah. And, Joe. - Cool.

I don't know. I think you look like a Boo-Boo rabbit to me.

Now, the purpose of this exercise is for you to express

how you feel you are treated by each other.

Now, Anthony, your hedgehog represents Joe.

And, Joe, your rabbit is Anthony.

This is Anthony?

I'm not putting my hand up in that.

Okay, let's start with Anthony.

Alright. Joe just got home from work. Go.

I'm Joe and I just got home from work and I'm angry.

What am I angry at? Everything.

I'm angry at people, trees, the clouds. I hate 'em all!

I don't sound like that.

Pops, uh, that was a direct quote.

Okay. Okay. Joe, your turn.

I'm Anthony. I'm so sleepy.

All I do is sleep all day on my big fuzzy cotton tail.

I'd get a job, but work makes me sleepy.

Work? Boy, what do you know about work?

I invented work.

People did nothing, till I came along.

I built this country.

I should be on the dollar dollar bill, y'all.

I wish, I knew what a dollar bill looked like

but, yo, I never made one.

Oh, I'm feeling the touch of the rabies coming on.

- Oh, well, bring it. - Come on, come on.

[overlapping chatter]

- Hey, hey, hey. - Come on, Roger Rabbit.

- Hey, hey. - What? What?

Give me my rabbit

Well, perhaps not everyone can speak through furry animals.

I can see that this is going to take a number of sessions

and so in the meantime, I'm going to give you both

something that might help you resolve some of your problems.

- Before our next session. - Here it comes.

- Those are the happy pills. - No, actually these are for me.

Hmm. Now.

I'm going to give you each a journal

during the course of the week when one of you does something

to anger the other, rather than yelling and upsetting Tuga

I want you to write it in your journal.

So that we can discuss it during our next session.

Come on, doc, get real, you think this is really gonna help?

[laughs] Yeah, I know, it's a long shot.

But I'm hoping. Look, guys.

You've got to figure out some way

to create a tension-free environment at home.

So that Tuga can feel safe enough

to say goodbye to his imaginary friend.

- Well, alright. - Well.

Uh, hey, hey, doc, uh, one last question.

- He is crazy, right? - You're gonna have to go now.

[upbeat music]

Ooh, Lydia.

Did you lose something?

Baby, what happened to your...money makers?

They were a little too successful.

To the point, where I think all men are pigs.

Ow! Ow.

- Hey, what-what was that for? - You're the only man here.

All night, the guys wouldn't even listen to me.

They would just sit there staring at my chest.

- Ahem! - Huh? What? Who? Where?

So I have decided

that I am perfectly happy with what I've got.

Well, that's alright, baby.

'Cause you don't want my back problems anyway.

Who the hell left the remote in the kitchen

with peanut butter on it?

Maybe it was Kai-Kai.

[laughter]

How many times do I have to tell you, the remote

stays on the coffee table. Now, how hard is that?

- What are you doing? - I'm writing in my journal.

I thought we said, we weren't going to do that.

Uh, uh, uh, See, you said, you weren't going to do that.

I'm trying to help my son and right now

I'm on page 12, volume two.

Well, I'm not gonna spend all week writing down

everything you do that annoys me.

Hell, if I did that, I wouldn't have any fingers left.

Fine. Then I guess, we'll spend the whole next session

talking about what's wrong with you.

Oh, no, you don't. Flo.

- Here, baby. - Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

Dear, diary.

Both of them getting on my last nerve.

Mm, mama, this roast is the bomb.

- Pass me the pepper, please. - Here, baby.

Okay, what did I do?

Oh, you'll find out at the doctor's office.

Oh?

Fine.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

What are you writing?

It's between me and my journal.

And someday, a court of law.

You all paid a $100 an hour for this?

Mama's right, pops.

Look, we're supposed to be keeping cool for Tuga.

So, Tuga, how was school today?

I had fun, but the other kids ignored Kai-Kai.

I felt bad for him. I want to go play with him.

See, pops, you see what happens, we have one little argument

and all of a sudden Kai-Kai the friendly ghost

makes a return appearance

I didn't start it, I was just

quietly expressing my thoughts in my journal.

No, you were loudly annoying the hell out of me.

Lydia, come on, honey, let's go watch the sunset.

- But it's already dark. - I know.

I just want to get the hell out of here.

- What? - What-what are you doing?

Those are my private thoughts. Give me my journal.

Yeah, but they're about me.

Hey, I do not chew with my mouth open. I was choking.

With your mouth open. Now, give me that.

- Uh-uh, uh-uh. - I'm not playing with you boy.

I do not wear your drawers.

Except for that one time and I told you, your bikini briefs

they don't fit me the same way they fit you.

Come on, now. I'm not playing, give me the journal, now.

No, no. Let's see what other lies you're telling yourself.

Uh-huh.

What?

Hey, man, why is it that you don't want to sign

Tuga up for football?

That's none of your business.

Look, he's my son, pops, and-and just because

he's going through a rough spell right now

doesn't mean, that you should be giving up on him.

- I'm not giving up on him. - Then why don't you..

Wanna sign him up for football?

Well, why should I, Anthony? Huh? Why should I?

Who knows where the hell you're gonna be in the fall?

Hell, you packed up and moved away once

who's to say you're not gonna do it again?

And this time taking my grandson with you.

Pops, I went to New York to become an actor.

Yeah, we live in Los Angeles.

You could have become an actor right here.

But no, you had to move clear across the country

just to get away from us.

How you think that made me feel, Anthony, huh?

How you think that made me feel?

Almost broke my, your mama's heart.

Mama didn't write those words in that journal, pops.

- You did. - You can't prove that.

Is that why you've been so angry at me

since I've been back here?

Huh? You feel like I abandoned you, or something?

No.

But maybe your mama does.

Well, maybe I should tell her that..

...I didn't move to get away from my family.

I moved to prove, that I could make it on my own.

Because that's what my parents taught me.

Really?

Yeah.

And just because I was far away

doesn't mean that I loved you any less, pops.

I'll be sure and tell your mama that.

I'm sure it'll make her feel better.

Alright.

- Dad, can I have some cookies. - And you get him like that..

- Flip 'em. Yeah, you flip 'em. - Flip 'em.

What did you say, son?

Dad, can I have some cookies?

Oh, uh, no, son, um..

You know, you've already had your cookies for tonight.

They're not for me, they're for Kai-Kai.

When is Kai-Kai gonna say, bye-bye?

You know what, if Kai-Kai wants some cookies

tell Kai-Kai he can come in here and get them himself.

Alright. And you know what, son.

Don't worry.

You know, grandpa and I are gonna try

and not yell in front of Kai-Kai anymore. Okay?

Okay.

Kai-Kai, my dad says, you have to ask for your own cookies.

I think, I need to get back to that doctor, pops.

I'm beginning to see him now, too.

You're real?

You're real.

You made me get in touch with my feelings for nothing.

Uh, uh, save it for the puppets, Boo-Boo

just save it for the puppets.

You're right, Tuga. Your family is weird.

I told you, that's why they're in therapy.

[theme music]

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