Original subtitles

That's it. We've got to take Tuga out of that school.

What do you have a beef with now, pops, reading or writing?

That idiot, crossing guard.

You know what that old crab does?

He holds that sign up, till well after the kids

have reached the curb. Just to tick me off.

Pops, he's 80-years-old man.

It takes him that long just to lower his arm.

Why not go ahead and jump in the box

and let us have the service.

Woo. If I had a dime for every time I said that.

- Hi. - Hi, pop-pop. Hi, dad.

- Oh, hey, son. - Here.

My teacher told me to give this to you.

- Oh. Okay. - Oh, a note from the teacher.

Well, I remember when Anthony used to bring home

one of those once a week.

Flo, you remember when Anthony was trying to

make out with his first grade teacher?

Remember? I had to testify.

She said, she liked my finger painting.

I misread the signs.

Oh, look this isn't so bad, man.

It's just to tell me that there's a PTA meeting tomorrow.

Oh, and to remind me that I'm in charge of the refreshments.

Mama?

No problem, baby, it'll give me a chance to try out

my new recipe for my "Oh, no, you didn't brownies."

I'm going to that PTA thing too.

Why, it's the Parent Teachers Association

not the Prostate Trouble Alliance.

[laughs]

Oh, you want to talk prostate, huh?

No, no, no.

There will be no prostate talking in my kitchen

not while I'm eating a plum.

I'm just going so I can get that crossing guard canned.

Come on, pops. He's an old man.

He's so old, he used to babysit Rosa Parks.

Anthony, leave your father alone

being angry at something is what gets him up in the morning.

By the way, Joe, I mailed that letter to the cereal people.

Alright.

What's he complaining about now, mama?

It's too crazy to talk about.

Now, what's crazy about it?

Those people promise two scoops of raisins, two.

Somebody's gonna be held accountable.

- What's a prostate? - Uh, Tuga..

Son, won't you come over here and ride your bike?

Hey, hold on, hold on, man. Don't forget your helmet.

- I'm gonna be in the driveway. - Hey, that doesn't matter, son.

Every time you ride your bike, I want you to wear your helmet.

Fine, but I'm wearing it on my prostate.

[laughter]

Good luck with that, son.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one.. ?

? They've rubbed off the other ?

? I just step my step day by day ?

? They can't stop a brother ??

[upbeat music]

Lydia, honey, what are you doing with my broccoli tips?

Baby those are for eating not for wearing.

I fell and hit my head in med school today.

Girl, how many times have I told you to wear flats?

Some women just aren't built for heels.

- Let me see. Oh. - Ow.

Baby, what happened?

[sighs] It was so stupid.

Today was our first day observing surgery in the OR

that's operating room to you lay people.

Baby my broccoli water is boiling.

Is this gonna be a long story?

Anyway, when I opened up the chest cavity

and I saw all this blood.

I have not blacked out like that since spring break.

I know what you mean. I fainted once.

You fainted at the sight of blood?

No, at the sight of Philip Michael Thomas.

I saw him in the unemployment office

and baby that man is fine.

I'm just, I'm a little freaked out, you know.

I can't be a surgeon, if I faint every time I see blood.

Sure, you can't sweetie. You just have to work for a HMO.

[knock on door]

Oh, hi, dear. Tuga, baby, what happened?

He got a bloody nose playing dodgeball.

Oh. Anthony!

[horn blares]

Britney, let's lay off the horn.

- Tuga got a bloody nose. - Oh, man, what happened?

It was great, dad, we were playing dodgeball we won.

Oh, come on, let's go look at this, little man.

I'm telling you that game is dangerous.

[horn blares] Britney, one more time, you're spending the weekend

with your father and his slutty girlfriend.

- You guys have a great day. - Uh-huh.

Okay, Tuga, sit down, baby.

Here put this broccoli on your nose.

Grandma wanted french fries anyway.

Hey, what happened?

Look, pop-pop, I got a bloody nose.

Hey, your first one.

Congratulations, son. Welcome to combat.

He wasn't supposed to be in combat, pops

he was playing dodgeball.

Tuga, why weren't you wearing a helmet?

A helmet? See, Anthony.

That's the problem with you parents today

y'all too overprotective. Shucks.

When I was Tuga's age, I must have fell out

of half the trees in this neighborhood.

I turned out alright.

Well, the jury's still out on that one, baby.

Hey, you know what we used to do when I was a kid.

We used to run headfirst in the parked cars.

And that was back in the day when it was made out of steel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were also so poor

that you had a tin can as a pet.

Poor ol' Rusty.

Oh, hey, it finally pays off to have a med student in the house.

Lydia. Could you look at Tuga's nose?

Oh, yeah. Sure. No problem.

Oh, Tuga it's just a bloody..

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Lydia!

That's the same thing your mama did

when she saw Philip Michael Thomas.

Lydia?

Oh, thank, you mama, I mean, hey, this looks great.

[chuckles]

Would you look at that Carla Coleman

and her store bought lemon bars?

They should take her children away.

Okay, will everyone please take a seat.

Come on, honey.

Thank you all for coming.

Alright, for a first order of business

we all need to come up with ideas for a charity fundraiser

so we can repaint the gym.

As you can see after a season of dodgeball

the walls are pretty scuffed up.

Uh, I've got an idea.

Uh, I say we get the finest mothers in the school

and have them pose in bikinis, for a swimsuit calendar.

And I will personally donate my time to take the pictures.

That's very generous of you, Mr. Anderson

as always your ideas are creative, yet self-serving.

Alright, any good ideas?

Uh, yes, I would like to raise an issue.

I, I think we should ban dodgeball altogether.

It's just too barbaric.

Uh, excuse me. He-he-he.

I have something I'd like to add.

What the hell's wrong with you?

- Pops. - My name is Joe Anderson.

And I'd like to go on record saying that

I think dodgeball is good for kids.

It teaches them survival skills. It toughens them up.

And anybody that thinks that dodgeball should be banned

is an oversensitive child coddling wimp.

Hey, hey, hold on for a second, pops.

I feel the same way that she does.

- I rest my case. - I agree.

- Dodgeball is barbaric. - And dangerous.

The other day my son came home with a bloody nose

because somebody threw a ball in his face.

Hey, don't get mad at my kid

'cause your kid is too slow to get out of the way.

- Whoa. - Slow? Uh-uh.

Hold on, see, slow is your ten-year-old son

who's still in kindergarten.

All dodgeball does, is ruin children's self-esteem.

I agree with Deanne.

I think we should get rid of dodgeball.

It's too competitive.

All games are competitive.

Should we ban hopscotch too?

That's not a bad idea.

My Jimmy turned an ankle playing just last week.

Oh.

Look, dodgeball is just an excuse for the bullies

to take their aggressions out on the weaker kids.

No, it's not. It's healthy.

It teaches the kids early on what they're good at.

Dodgeball is the playgrounds way of thinning out the herd.

Are you calling my child an animal?

I've seen him eat, he is.

[clamoring]

[laughter]

[whistles] Hey, hey.

Look, yelling at each other isn't gonna solve anything.

- I say we put it to a vote. - I object.

- What? - Joe, this isn't a trial.

Oh, then let the record show that this is not a trial.

I think a vote banning dodgeball is a good idea, Mr. Anderson.

The first one you've had that doesn't involve bathing suits.

Whichever side wins the vote.

That's what we'll recommend to the school board.

- Okay, that's good. Let's vote. - Okay. Yes.

Alright.

People, people, the votes are in.

Apparently...it's a tie.

- What? - Hell, no.

A tie? No, no.

Where the hell did you learn to vote? In Florida?

I want to know who voted to ban dodgeball? Who?

- It was an anonymous vote. - One.

Look, pops, We all know that you can count.

Two.

How are you gonna vote to ban something

that you've probably forgotten how to play in the first place.

You got a walk the walk, before you talk to talk.

Oh, yeah.

Joe, Joe, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What are you saying, that grown-up should play dodgeball?

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

What a great idea.

This could be wonderful, an adult dodgeball game

for our fundraiser.

It's not bikinis, Mr. Anderson

but they will be wearing shorts.

Hey, hey, hold on. Maybe, maybe that is a great idea.

Look one game, those against dodgeball

versus those in favor of it.

And the winner gets to give the recommendation

to the school board.

Hey, hey, maybe we should vote on it.

Oh, you already got to vote, four eyes.

I say, bring it on. What you say, dodgeballers?

[all cheering]

Hey, hey, hey. And we will be there.

Right, non-dodgeballers?

Uh, see, t-that's where y'all supposed to come in and cheer.

Supposed to have my back right there.

Uh, kind of like when you hear that

there's a new asthma medicine.

Oh. Yeah!

- Woo. - It's too late.

[upbeat music]

Big picture, people, big picture.

Look, these are our children. We're talking about. Alright.

Look we get to show how dangerous dodgeball is

plus we raise enough money to paint the gym.

Just the thought of that game

is bringing back so many painful memories

I know how she feels.

The bigger kids always targeted me

with their red rubber balls of death.

Me too. My mother said, it was because I was special

and the uncouth always try to squelch out

the flame of individuality.

I told them that

for some reason it made me a bigger target.

Why don't we just have a spelling bee

to raise money for the gym.

- That's a good idea. - Or a chess tournament.

I was co-captain of the chess team.

- Me too. - You know what?

Now, I want to throw balls at both your heads.

[laughs] Is this your team?

[laughs]

We'll beating you losers is gonna be

the highlight of my year.

I gotta make sure somebody takes some pictures.

Pictures? Of my thighs?

All over the school paper.

Who the hell threw that?

Lady, I will see you on the court.

Well, I don't even care.

- That felt really good. - Yeah!

[upbeat music]

So what's our strategy, Joe, a full frontal assault

or just a back alley beat down.

You don't get out much, do you, RJ?

Our strategy is gonna be that we're going to pound

Anthony and the poindexter patrol into pudding.

I can't wait to lay some rubber on Nancy Fletcher.

She's blown off carpool for the last three weeks. Hag.

Yeah, and that jerk Wilson, turn us down at the bank

when we tried to refinance last month.

We'll see how he feels, when I deposit a ball in his ass.

[laughter]

People, people.

Let us not forget

we are doing this for the children.

[laughter]

Lydia, what's the matter, baby?

Did the bus driver get handsy?

'Cause I can have Joe write a letter.

I had to watch a quadruple bypass and I fainted again.

That's it. I'm quitting med school

Quitting? Honey, what are you talking about? You can't quit.

Mrs. A, I faint every time I see blood.

That's pretty much a career killer for a surgeon.

Well, then don't be a surgeon.

Don't they have doctors that don't cut people open?

Well, yeah, they got researchers.

Research? Go into research.

Find a cure for cancer.

Or find a cure for the bunion. You'll be my hero.

You don't know my father, Mrs. A

he really wants me to be a surgeon.

Well, Lydia, I know Joe Anderson and I can't believe

your father could be more pigheaded than that.

And I can't believe your 30-year-old son and your

60-year-old husband, are about to play dodgeball.

- You can do that. - I got that.

- You can do this. - I got it.

- You can do this. - Touch�.

But they're lost cause, baby, there's still hope for you.

Now, listen, Anthony did not give up his dream

of being an actor, just because his father disapproved.

And it's time that you learn to follow your own dreams

and not your daddy's.

I hear you, Mrs. A, but the problem is

that my dad wants me to be a surgeon

and he's paying for med school. And that's $50,000 a year.

Your daddy can afford to pay that much?

Tch. Girl, I'm raising your rent.

[upbeat music]

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, for attending our dodgeball fundraiser.

Because of your generosity the gym will be repainted.

[crowd applauds]

And now, I'd like to thank the following people.

The Peterson Bottling Company for the beverage..

Okay, let's play dodgeball.

Come on, team. Come on.

You ready to get the black smacked off you?

Bring it on...Mount Baldy.

- So did I miss anything? - What's to miss?

A bunch of grown-ups in a dodgeball battle.

it's like watching "Survivor Idiots Island."

[chuckles]

Hey, listen, um, I thought about what you said

and I called my dad, I told him I didn't want to be a surgeon.

- How'd it go, baby? - Well, the bad news is..

He's not speaking to me.

The good news, the checks in the mail.

Hey!

Why are they doing this, anyway?

They say, they're playing for the gym

but I don't think so.

I don't care if they paint the gym.

I just like the sound of the ball smacking their heads.

Are you still seeing that special doctor?

- Twice a week. - Oh.

Okay, now remember, go for the weak ones

and the women first.

Everybody get in. Now, remember.

Go for the old man first.

And there's $10 for anybody who can knock out as partials.

Knock!

Oh, I'll get it

No, Pops! No!

[growls]

One downer down, a dozen to go.

What are you doing?

Did you see what they did to him, he's still not moving.

It's okay, I'm just hiding.

- Ow. - Will you quit it.

I'm out already.

Look, guys, we've been picked on all our lives

this is our one chance we get at revenge

without the threat of jail time.

- So what do you say? - I say, we crack their skulls.

When I am done with you, Mary Underhill

you're gonna need another nose job.

[screams]

Careful, Anthony.

Lookout, Joe.

? Payback ?

? Revenge ?

Ow.

? I'm mad ?

Oh, I maybe big. But you know, I am quick.

Uh-huh. Don't sleep on the big man.

Because I'll be creeping on you.

Come on. Bring it on. Bring it on.

Ahh!

Oh, boy, Mike just got hit by a ball.

Here come the tears.

Uh-huh. Bring it on. Come on. Old bag of bones.

Come on. Come on. Show me what you got

Let's end it once and for all, right now.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'mma hit you so hard

your mama gonna feel it.

(Flo) 'Hey!'

It's just a saying, baby.

[upbeat music]

? The big payback ?

? Got to get back ?

? I need some get back ?

Come on!

? Payback ?

Come on!

? Payback ?

? Revenge ?

? I'm mad ??

[screams]

[yells]

[cheering]

[yells]

We won! We won! You lost.

[indistinct]

Way to go, dad.

I knew you could do it, baby. You'll get it next time, Joe.

When? When are adults gonna play dodgeball again, Flo?

Whenever you want, 'cause we're the champions.

[cheering]

Bring it on. Bring it on.

I can kick your ass, right now, again.

[clamoring]

What are doing, baby? Alright.

We said one game would end it once and for all.

What? No more dodgeball?

- That's my favorite game. - Oh, son.

But-but I thought that you know, we-

Yeah, yeah, that was the old reason

but to hell with that.

This is the most fun I've had in years.

Dodgeball's great. It's the one thing I'm good at.

I'm so small, I'm hard to hit.

[laughs]

My special doctor said, it's an outlet for my aggression.

Dad, you take away dodgeball

and I'll be a punching bag around here.

Oh, man, but I thought-

Come on, Anthony, now, you looked like

you were having a good time out there.

Oh, I know I was.

Well, Anthony, you won.

So you get to choose.

From the looks of thing, it looks like your team

wants to keep dodgeball.

Please, dad.

Well, I guess, maybe we did overreact a little bit, and..

You know, if we do ban dodgeball

we'll, we'll look like a bunch of hypocrites

when we come back next year to defend our title.

[all cheering]

So we still get to play dodgeball?

Yes!

[kids cheering]

Okay, everybody, refreshments in the next room.

Yeah, man.

So are you through coddling this boy?

Your idea coddling is food and water?

[chuckles]

But I hear where you coming from, pops.

You know, since I've been a single father

I have been a little overprotective.

You know, I must've hit you so hard with that ball

I knocked some sense into that head of yours.

[laughs] You must be joking, man.

That ball was moving so slow even that old

crossing guard could have got out of the way.

[laughs]

I forgot about him.

I got something I got to take care of.

Tell your mama I'll see you at home later.

[theme music]

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