Original subtitles

- Hey, dad! - Oh, hey!

There's my favorite acting coach.

Hey, man, you wanna help me run my lines

for my audition later on this afternoon?

Yeah, what's this one for?

Well, you know, I'm playing a dad who gets a home equity loan.

What's that?

Something nobody's gonna give me

unless it's in the commercial.

You know what, let's take it from the part

where I get the good news, alright?

There you go. Read it with me.

Hey, guess what, Johnny?

Thanks to sunshine for Dudley Bank

we're gonna get a place of our own!

'Hey, you're gonna get your own bedroom'

and a playroom and a backyard

big enough for a pony.

Oh, thank you, Lord!

He's movin' out!

And I'll even pay for the pony.

Flo, break out the champagne and put on your stilettos.

The boy is leaving.

Shouldn't you tell grandpa we're just rehearsing?

Nah! Let's wait till he's drunk.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one sec they've rubbed off the other ?

? Just step by step, day by day, they can't stop the brother ??

[instrumental music]

Really? Thank you so much. Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Hey, Mrs. A, can I ask you for a favor?

Of course, baby, there's nothing I wouldn't do

for my favorite girl.

Okay, so this Saturday

my med school is having this fundraiser.

Sorry, baby, mama's tapped out.

- I don't want money, Mrs. A. - What?

The dean just asked me to speak at the banquet

and I want to look my absolute best.

So I was wondering if you could do my hair.

Of course. I'll do your hair, baby.

Wow, Lydia. That's quite an honor.

See that just goes to show you how hard work

and dedication can pay off.

- Hey. everybody! - Hey!

- Hi, sweetie. - Hey, Anthony!

And here's the flip side of that coin.

A walking cautionary tale.

Boy, where the hell have you been?

These floors are not gonna sweep themselves.

Look, pops, my audition ran long.

- I'm sorry. I'm late, okay? - How'd you do, baby?

How you think he did? He didn't get it.

He never gets it and he never gonna get.

Boy, just face it.

Maybe you're just not good at this acting thing.

You know what, pops, have you ever thought

about motivational speaking?

Because you would be terrible at it.

No, I'm serious. Now look, if I was a car salesman

and nobody bought a car for me for ten years guess what?

I'm not a car salesman.

If I was a baker, nobody brought any bread for me.

Guess what? I'm not a baker.

If I was a paratrooper-

Joe, we see where this is going?

No, no, no, let him talk, mama.

I want to be there when his chute doesn't open.

No, Anthony, all I'm saying is that

if you were any good at this acting thing

you'd have been a lot more successful by now.

Acting is not that hard and people

with a lot less experience than you getting jobs

all the time. Hell, Charlie could do it.

Your mama could do it Shucks, I could even do it.

I think Joe make a great TV detective.

Yeah. Magnum PO.

Hey, not only can I get an acting job

I can get one before you.

Oh, a barber shop challenge.

What's that, Charlie?

I don't know but it sounds exciting.

So you just think you could walk out there

and get an acting job just like that, huh?

Think? Shucks, I know it.

I'll tell you what. I'll even make you a bet.

- Joe? - Oh!

What kind of bet?

If I get an acting job before you, you accept defeat

and come work here in the shop full-time.

- Oh. - And what happens when I win?

I don't know I'll eat the Earth.

Anything.

- 'Cause it never gonna happen. - Oh, he means business.

So do I, Charlie. Hey look, pops, here's the deal.

When I get that job before you

you give me a month off from the shop with pay

so I can go out on my auditions.

- I like that deal. - Alright then.

Hell, I'll even give you a 10% raise.

Oh!

You sure you can afford that?

I mean, 'cause that'll bring me dangerously

close to minimum wage.

Is it a bet or not?

It's on, old man.

Those two could stay like that for hours.

Here. Lock up when you're done.

Okay, mama.

[instrumental music]

- Mama, that chicken smell good. - Thank you, baby.

Hey, babies, where you been?

Grandpa and I were at the copy machine place.

Yeah, I was having my acting headshots made

from when I started my auditions tomorrow.

You're really gonna do this, aren't you?

Baby, a bet is a bet.

See that shows what you know.

You can't get headshots done in one day.

First you have to book a photographer

then you have to get your proof sheet.

Blabbery blah, blah bam!

Bam, what? That ain't no headshot, man.

- That's your driver's license. - That's right.

My face and all my information on it.

On one sheet for only five cents a copy.

What's that?

Oh, that means pop pop is an organ donor.

And he'll be a good one too, son.

His heart's virtually unused.

Not unlike your brain.

Tuga, sweetie, come here with grandma.

It's gonna be a lot of crazy flying around here

and I want none to land on you.

Who are you kidding, man?

You're gonna make a fool of yourself

as soon as you step foot in that audition.

Please. All I have to do is read some lines off a paper, Anthony.

How hard can that be?

People study for years to do it correctly

in character and, and with the right emotion.

Oh really?

Look at this ad for couches here.

First, I'll do it happy.

So many colors.

So many textures.

So many designs!

I do it sad.

[sniffles] So many colors,

so many textures..

...so many designs.

Now, afraid. So many colors!

So many textures. So many designs!

That wasn't bad, I'd buy a couch for me.

[instrumental music]

Hey guys, is uh, this where the commercial audition is?

Oh, thanks.

Oh, alright,

all y'all can go home now, wannabes.

The man who's getting the job is in the house.

You're late.

- What are you doing here? - Beating you to the punch.

Is this my copy of backstage, man? Huh?

Is this how you found out about this audition?

Oh, not just this one. I've already been on three auditions.

- Three? - Yep.

Grandpa at the fast food restaurant

grandpa at the zoo, son at the nursing home.

What have you been on this morning, besides the bus?

Look, you're never going to get hired. You want to know why?

because you don't have any experience.

Oh, yeah? Hey, take a look at that resume.

Shakespeare in the park?

Well, actually it was Shakespeare in the parking lot.

Did it at Best Buy.

Oh, I also see here that you were in "Pretty Woman"

and on "Will and Grace."

You know what, you're gonna get busted, pops.

What if this casting director

actually watches "Will and Grace?"

I tell her I was playing Will's boyfriend

but the network cut the scene because they didn't feel

America was ready for gay on black.

- Joseph Anderson? - Uh, right here.

Hey, show her your headshot. Mr. Professional Actor.

[chuckles]

This is brilliant!

This is the smartest thing

I've seen an actor do in years.

It's a driver's license!

The man went to the copy shop and..

Oh, there you are.

Um, I just bet Lydia only one of you were coming home.

I just hope Anthony here can handle it

when I land one of those acting jobs.

A man hates to see his grown son cry.

Well, most men.

The only crying I'll be doing is all the way

to the bank with the check.

[crying]

Cash this please.

The teller will probably pass out from shock.

Word to the wise, Lydia.

Never tick off a person that owe you money.

- Hey, dad. - Oh, hey, little man.

What's going on?

I got a phone call about an acting job.

Really?

Oh! An acting job, huh?

I wonder what this could be about.

Now, Anthony, there's no need to rub it in.

Yes, there is mama.

And I'll have a whole month to do it with pay.

[laughing]

Hello, yes, yes, this is Mr. Anderson.

You called about my audition this morning.

S..

Oh.

Okay, hold on.

Oh, they, uh, must want Mr. Anderson, the actor.

Joe Anderson here.

[chuckles] Oh, well, thanks.

Yo, I'm kind of excited too.

[laughing]

What?

You love my work on "Will and Grace?"

How could you not get a job?

[instrumental music]

Baby, hand mama that towel.

Can't believe it, mama.

How can pops get a commercial over me?

I mean, I can see if the product was-was cranky old man.

Baby, it was a fluke

and you can't get yourself all upset about it.

Now mama's hands are wet. Let's get going with the towel.

At least I'm good for something.

To be..

...or not to be.

Or in this case, I'd be and Anthony not be.

[laughing]

Very nice, you midsummer night's ass.

You know, Charlie, I was gonna ask you to give me

a little shape up but why mess with perfection.

I mean, if I make myself too pretty

they won't recognize me when I show up for work.

Alright.

That's big talk for somebody who just got lucky.

I guarantee you that I will get the next part I go out for.

Next part only won't be a next part.

A deal is a deal. We agreed.

If I got a job before you you'd give up acting

and come work in the shop full time.

So grab your clippers. It's over.

Oh, he's right, Anthony.

A barbershop challenge is legally binding.

Well, I've got to go spread my sunshine on the set.

You'll be spreading something alright

but it sure won't be sunshine.

Oh, Lydia, honey, you look beautiful.

I think this is some of my best work. Anthony?

Bring me the camera. This one's going on the wall.

You got it, mama.

And so my hell begins.

Oh, Stephanie, honey, you've been sleeping outside?

Because it looked like birds been nesting on you.

I'll be right back.

Smile.

Congratulations, you made Flo and Joe's hair wall of fame

right next to Miss Long Beach 1983.

And that drag queen that hosted Arsenio's birthday party.

Anthony, did you have to take that picture?

Yeah, of course, Lydia. That's my life now.

I'm the barbershop photographer.

Hey, Anthony.

I'm not sure I like this hairstyle.

What are you talking about, Lydia? You look great.

Girl, J Lo ain't got nothing on you.

Except money and ass.

See? Now what is everything I do always have to be

compared to someone or something Puerto Rican.

Is this a trick question?

So I just found out the only reason they asked me to speak

at the stupid fundraiser is because I'm Puerto Rican.

- And? - And.

I don't want to go through my whole life

filling some race quota.

Shh.

Girl, white folks hear you say that

you're gonna mess it up for the rest of us.

Forget it. You don't understand.

'Lydi..'

Oh, beautiful!

Charlie, I hope you got some

real interesting stories man.

It looks like I'm gonna be standing

next to you for the next 20 years.

20 years? By then I'll be cutting Jesus' hair.

Hey.

You go on down there

and watch your daddy work?

Hell no, man. Why would I do that?

I don't even want to come in here and watch him work.

Well, he might need your help, you know how he panics

every time a camera's put on him.

What are you talking about, Charlie?

There was a car accident

outside the shop a few years back

and when the news cameras got here and tried

to interview him, he froze up like a popsicle.

Really?

A popsicle you say?

[laughing] Mwah!

What the hell was that for?

Oh, that's just my way of saying thank you, Charlie.

[instrumental music]

Okay, fellas, let's just go over the lines one more time

before the camera starts to roll, okay?

Bill, you start.

Action.

Regular band-aids say

flesh colored on the box.

Well, not my flesh color.

That's why I use rainbow strips.

My box has eight shades.

From Wesley Snipes to Sinbad. We got you covered.

Great, okay do it just like that.

Everybody ready, camera rolling and action.

Regular band-aids say flesh colored on the box.

Well, not my flesh color.

That's why I use rainbow strips.

[dramatic music]

[stammering] My-my..

(director) 'Cut!'

- My-my.. - 'Cut!'

[stammering]

(director) 'Cut!'

[mumbling]

(director) 'Cut!'

Cut! Maybe take 13 will be the lucky one

Will you just give me a second. I can do this.

- Hey pops, how you doing? - What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came down to make sure you were alright.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh. Them beads of sweat on your forehead

and shaking hands say something else.

Hey, look, pops, if you're nervous, man, just take it

from somebody who knows acting that could help you out.

That's not sweat. That's thinking juice.

Oh, damn, pops. You must be thinking real hard.

You know what? Let's concentrate on your breathing.

Uh-huh. Relax just.

[inhales] Deep breaths.

There you go. Alright, alright.

Feel better? Okay now arms circles.

Arm circles. there you go. There you go.

Well, how is this helping?

Oh, it's not man. That's just for me.

Don't make it sound like a bird.

- Purrr! Purr! - Cut it out!

You gotta admit though, man, being mad at me

does keep your mind off the shoot, right?

Okay, everybody, can we please clear the set?

Cool. Alright. Hey, pops, break a leg man. Good luck.

(director) 'Thank you!'

Here we go. Take 13.

'Everybody ready, camera rolling'

and action!

Regular band-aid say flesh colored on the box.

Well, not my flesh color.

That is why I use rainbow strips.

[mumbling]

Cut!

I just need a second. I can do this.

Hey, pops, you can do this, man. It's simple.

"Hey, my box comes in eight shades.

"From Wesley Snipes to Sinbad.

We got you covered." It's easy.

Oh, hold on a second. Uh, you with the hair?

- 'Say that line again.' - Oh.

Sure.

My box comes in eight shades.

From Wesley Snipes to Sinbad. We got you covered.

[instrumental music]

Lydia!

Hi, Mrs. A.

Bye, Mrs. A.

Wait, what's the hurry, baby?

Come here, let me see how you look. Come on.

Spin it around, girl. Work it now, work it!

What happened to all my hard work?

Who undid my do?

I'm sorry. Mrs. A, but it's just that

tonight's a special occasion.

Lydia, baby, I did your hair exactly the way I did it

for your cousin's wedding slash baby shower.

I know but this is different, Mrs. A.

This is for the med school and..

...the people there don't wear their hair done up like a-

Like a what?

You don't understand.

Well enlighten me, baby. Come on.

Sit down.

Talk.

Alright, well, it turns out that the only reason

the med school invited me to speak

is because they wanted to parade their minorities around

and show everybody how diverse they are.

And you know, I wasn't even their first choice.

But the Eskimo girl had to go home

when her whole village broke free from the ice shelf.

Honey, what does that have to do with your hair?

I guess I just figured you know, if I didn't look so ethnic

maybe they'd stop seeing me as Puerto Rican

And start seeing me as just an ordinary student.

You're not ordinary, Lydia, and that's a good thing.

You never want to change who you are.

- I know. - But we forget.

When I was 17, baby, I wanted to be

like the bad girls at the malt shop.

So I put my hair up and I brought my mama's pumps

and I bought me a black leather jacket and I started smoking.

Now sure, I got Danny Zuko to like me, but at what price?

That was Olivia Newton John in Greece.

Oh, I wondered why I was always white in my memory.

[laughing]

I think I get your point though.

I should just be proud of who I am

and not care what anybody else thinks.

That's right, baby, and the first patient you save

is not gonna care how you look or what you wear.

- Thanks, Mrs. A. - You're welcome.

So, you think you can help me redo my do?

I know I can. Come on in the kitchen.

That's where I keep my emergency kit.

Okay.

- Hey, mama. - Yeah, baby.

- Is pop still out on the porch. - Yeah.

I just heard him yelling at the neighbor's dog.

So I think he's getting better.

Oh, yeah, Fido, let's see how funny it is

when I shove it back into you.

- Hey, pops. - What do you want?

Oh! I can see you're not ready to talk.

You're still salty about losing that bet, huh?

The only thing salty around here is your neck.

And I didn't lose the bet, you did.

Hey, excuse me, but I got the job.

No, you didn't get the job, Anthony, I got the job

and I handed it to you.

Handed it to me?

Man, you were sweating more than Dennis Rodman

at the free clinic.

I stepped in and I saved your sorry behind.

Anthony, what I did was called acting.

I saw how down you were when I beat you out

so I threw you a bone.

Come on, pops, why can't you just admit that

acting is a lot harder than what you thought?

Maybe you're right.

Boy, this acting thing takes more work

and dedication than I ever imagined.

And me being so hard on you certainly

hasn't made it any easier on you.

Hey, thanks, pops. I know that must have been hard for you.

No, it wasn't. I was acting.

See, anybody can do this.

You meant it and you know you meant it.

Yeah, I meant it like I meant welcome home, son, or..

Good morning, Anthony. How you doing, baby boy?

Yeah. Yeah, remember I know how to get you to shut up.

All I gotta do is have somebody turn the camera on you.

[Anthony mumbling]

Do you think everything's okay there?

Baby, that's as okay as this family ever gets.

- 'Cut it out now. Cut it out.' - 'Take nine!'

[theme music]

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