Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Alright, you ready, son? Alright, here we go.

Come on. There you go. Good catch. Good catch.

Come on. Tuga, I know you can throw harder than that.

I don't want to hurt you, dad.

Oh, that's sweet.

But if you really don't want to hurt your dad

show him that you can throw like a boy.

Alright, let's go.

[groaning]

How was that?

Good.

Now run like a boy and get some ice.

Hurry. Boys run faster.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one sec, rubbed off the other ?

? I just step my step, day by day they can't stop a brother ??

[instrumental music]

You know, Mrs. Hopkins, you really got to get

more leafy vegetables in your diet, I mean

these nails are sorely lacking in vitamin A.

Lydia, don't rate them, honey. Paint them.

This could be a sign of anemia or even

a bigger problem. Do you have a regular doctor?

Excuse me. She's a med student. Come here, baby.

Now, Lydia, look, in this salon, we talk nice

to the customers' faces, and then when they leave

we drink margaritas and trash them.

It's called professional courtesy, baby.

- Hey, everybody. - Hey, baby.

How did Tuga's tee-ball practice go?

Oh, pretty good. Momma, you know

we got the diamond next to the bathroom.

Only three kids wet their pants today.

Besides, Tuga's really starting to get the hang of it.

What's to get?

There's a ball sitting on a tee

not moving or anything.

You hit the non-moving ball and you run.

And when you're six years old, Pops

that's a big accomplishment.

And when you're a big boy

talking and sweeping is a big accomplishment.

My daddy's good at that, Grandpa.

We'll see.

Hey, that's not all your dad can do, is it, son? Tell him, Tuga.

He could eat a whole Big Mac in two bites.

Go in the back room and play, man. I'll finish the story.

Hey, look here, Pops. Tuga's tee-ball coach had to quit.

You know, he's going through this messy divorce

and the custody battle, and then there's the restraining order.

I mean, you know, that gets pretty tricky.

You know, Anthony, by the time you finish the story

I'm gonna have to cut Marisa's hair again.

Long story short..

I'm Tuga's new tee-ball coach.

Once again, they're hitting the ball off a stick.

What's to coach?

Wow, these knuckles are so bad.

You can't even get your rings off.

Have you ever considered cortisone shots?

Uh, Lydia, honey, I forgot I need some help with

the inventory in the back. Go count something.

- Here are your towels, Mama. - Thank you, baby.

You know, I think it's great that you're coaching

especially since you and Tuga

will be out the house on Saturday.

Won't be bothering my book club.

Women reading, next thing you know

they're gonna want to vote.

[laughing]

Hey, Flo, what do you ladies

talk about in the meetings anyway?

What asses you men are?

And we never lack for conversation.

Hey, Pops, look, why don't you come down, man

and watch me teach Tuga's team all about baseball.

I'm gonna be teaching them things they'll always remember.

Coach Anthony taught me how to play catch

and now Coach Anthony is a big movie star.

I wonder if Coach Anthony remembers me.

Coach Anthony sure is funny in that big movie I just saw.

Hey, big movie star, how you gonna teach

these kids anything about baseball?

You stunk in little league.

I did not stink. And how would you know, man?

You only ever came to one game that I played.

You struck out every time you got up?

How's that not stinkin'?

I struck out because you were yelling at every pitch. Swing!

Swing now! Boy, you should have swung.

Ee! I'm glad that's not my boy.

I do not yell.

Please, if everyone talked as loud as you

they would have never invented the telephone.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Lydia. - Oh, hey.

- How was the big game? - Oh, it was fun.

- It was fun. - Did you win?

Lydia, nobody keeps scoring tee-ball nowadays, okay?

It's all about having a good time.

We lost 14 to 2.

Don't start that again.

Oh, Anthony, it was pathetic out there.

Guys, guys, does it always have to be like this with you two?

No, sometimes he's asleep.

Oh, come on now, Anthony. How hard can it be?

You take the kid who can catch, you put him at first.

The one who can throw the best, you make him your shortstop.

You spread the rest of them out and hope

that they don't get in the way of the two good guys.

Am I one of the good kids?

Oh, yeah, Tuga, you're one of the best.

I told you it's just about having fun.

Anthony, I'm not saying they shouldn't have fun.

I'm asking you, do you know what fun is? It's winning.

What do you think, Lydia?

Dang, I was so close to getting away.

Um, I think you both make very good points.

- What does that mean? - It means bye-bye.

See, I told you she agrees with me.

What? No, she didn't.

Hey, old man, do people's actual voices

ever drown out the ones you hear in your head?

Thank you. I know that must have been hard for you to admit.

[instrumental music]

Okay, now ladies, we were supposed to read

"Memoirs of a Geisha."

- Hated it. - Loved it.

- Lived it. - Okay.

Well then, let's get down to business.

The game is seven card stud, hi-low split.

Hey, let's put a move on it, Pops. It's tee-ball time.

- I ain't going. - What?

I'd go if there was actually a game to watch

but you guys horse around too much

doing the jiggle dance and piling on the coach.

- What the hell is that? - It's called having fun, Pops.

Look, these kids don't need to learn about

winning and losing in competition so early.

They have their whole lives ahead of them where somebody's

going to tell them that they didn't get that promotion

that they don't measure up.

They got a whole lifetime of Joes ahead, man.

So I'm gonna give them a little Anthony right now.

- Uh, Lydia. - Yes.

- I want to ask you something. - Why do I make eye contact?

In medical school, do they teach you that everyone's great

and that you're all going to be great doctors

and that all you have to do is the best you can

and that that'll be good enough?

No, mostly they tell us

we should have invested in real estate and porn.

That's where the big money is.

- That's my point. - No, it's not.

How did porn become part of your point?

Ready to go, Dad.

- Bye, Grandma. - Bye, baby.

Sorry I can't go, but you have a good time.

- You too. - Okay.

- Lydia has two aces. - Bless you, baby.

I fold.

I did not make the world a big bad place, but it is.

In the real world, there are winners and losers.

And the longer you keep that from these kids

the harder it's going to be on them when they find out.

So what are you going to do next, old man?

What, tell them about the tooth fairy?

What about the tooth fairy?

- Well- - Uh, now, uh, son..

She's a lovely lady.

Now, let's get out of here before your grandpa says

something about Santa Claus.

[device beeping]

Oh, hey, hey.

[laughing] They're calling me back

for that deodorant commercial I went out for.

That's great, Dad.

Anthony, see if you can get some free samples.

Man, nothing rolls on better than free deodorant.

Oh, no. They want to see me in a half an hour.

So go. This could be your big chance.

But who's going to coach your game, son?

Oh, I'll do it.

Lydia, could you coach for me today?

(Lydia) 'Can't, losing.'

- Mama? - 'Can't, winning.'

- Mrs. Chang? - 'Can't, drinking.'

Hey, deafy, I said I'd do it.

Yeah, Dad, let Grandpa do it.

Fine, you can coach the team, man, but you have to

tell the kids that they're doing great no matter what alright?

And don't keep score.

Hey, and just because Billy carries a doll

doesn't mean that he can't play.

- Doll? - Just go.

Hey, son, alright, look

I'll be at that field as soon as I can, okay?

- Good luck, Dad. - Mm-mh.

Good luck to you.

And remember

you don't have to tell anybody that that's your grandpa.

Alright?

Have a good game.

Come on, hustle up! Get on over here. Run!

Hey, you're running like a bunch of little girls.

Even you, Susie. Toughen up.

Okay, you won 10 to 1.

That's what winning feels like, huh?

(all) Yeah!

Look at them over there. They're crying.

You gotta love it. They're crying because of us.

(all) Yeah!

Now, I know everybody didn't get to play a whole lot

or at all, Billy.

You're a team and sometimes the best thing you can do

for the team is to stay out of the way.

But here's something everybody can get to do, huh?

Go shake hands with the losers.

(all) Yeah!

Go on, go shake hands.

Billy, hey, give me the doll. Go ahead.

- Whoo. Hey, pops. - Hmm.

I'm sorry I'm late. I got here as quick as I can.

Hey, thanks for covering for me.

Hey, they seem happy. I guess I was worried about nothing.

Why shouldn't they be happy?

We kicked the crap out of another team. Losers!

In one short afternoon, you've managed

to give these poor kids my childhood.

Relax, Anthony, I asked our team

if they wanted to win, if they wanted to play tee-ball

like a bunch of babies. They said they wanted to win.

- So let it go. - I will not let it go, man.

Look, now I gotta undo the damage that you've already done.

Hey, guys, come back over here.

You know what, I think you didn't even let

Billy play in the game, did you?

I took the boy's doll away.

Anthony, he started eating his mitt.

That child has issues.

Hey, look, I'm sorry that Coach Anthony

couldn't be here this morning but to make it up for you

I brought free samples of deodorant.

Alright, there you go. Alright.

Alright, that's it, Billy. That's not lipstick, okay?

There you go. Come on. I got you. Put one right there.

- Put one right there. - Hey, where's mine?

Oh, I ran out.

The bag looks like it's still full.

Hey, but I got something for you.

Hey, guys, let's give Coach Joe a big cheer, okay?

Two, four, six, eight. Who do we appreciate?

(all) Joe! Joe! Joe!

Alright, and now that Coach Anthony's here

everything's gonna be back to normal.

Actually, Anthony, the kids have been talking it over.

I think they might want to make a change.

What are you talking about?

Well, one, two, three, four.

Who's the coach that we want more?

(all) Joe! Joe! Joe!

Alright. Pizza party for the winners! That's us!

[children screaming]

Yeah, that's us. We won. You lost.

- Man, you made 'em cry again. - Yeah.

Fine. Go to your old pizza parlor.

I don't want to be a part of that anyway.

And for your information,

I still got some more deodorant, and you can't have none.

? Na nana na na ?

[instrumental music]

Hello, rock bottom. So nice to see you again.

[instrumental music]

Now, let's go. We'll show them what we got here.

[laughing]

Check them out, baby.

'Joe and Flo's clippers. What do you think?'

Well, I think it should be Flo and Joe's clippers.

But they look so adorable just like the real thing.

Only shorter.

Come on, team. Let's go.

There's a bunch of first graders we got to teach

a little lesson to about shame.

Hey, little man. You look good, slugger.

Thanks, Dad. Are you gonna come out to swim?

Oh, yeah, I'll be there, son.

Hey, but you do know that

winning isn't everything.

Grandpa says that's what losers say.

You do realize you're smarter than your grandpa, right?

Alright, have fun at the game.

Can you believe that, mama?

He's working those kids harder than P. Diddy did the band.

Baby, don't blow things out of proportion.

Your daddy is great with kids.

Come on, get over here.

Now, we're gonna go over this for one last time, you got me?

This is running.

This is walking around like you don't know where you're going.

Huh?

Don't you eyeball me. Go on, take a seat.

Nobody here seems to realize we're losing by seven runs here.

Billy, take the mitt out of your mouth, please.

You're up at bat, Billy.

No, never mind. Your knee hurts.

Yeah. Freddie, you're up at bat. Come on, give him the helmet.

That's it. Get out there. Hustle up.

Hey.

Mm, nice shoulder shot.

- Will you stop that? - Look at what he's doing, mama.

He's beating those kids' spirits down. He's so immature.

Oh, he's bending over.

Hey!

Anthony, give me those jelly beans.

(Joe) You're out!

Get over here, Freddie.

Freddie, what was that?

If I wanted somebody to play like Billy

I'd have put Billy in the game. Take a seat.

See what happens when you keep scoring, mama?

Yeah, everybody was having fun when we were winning

but now look at them.

Oh, baby, they're just kids.

They don't care.

Dad, can we go?

But the game's not over, son.

It's not fun when we're losing. Grandpa's gone crazy.

Come on, Tuga. Lead them out onto the field.

Help!

- That's it, mama. - Let's go.

Hey, guys, hey, guys, wait a minute, come here

for a minute. Come over here, guys. Come right here.

Come right here. Come on over here.

- Geez. - Hey, hey, hey.

Look here, guys. I know that we're down, alright?

But we got to mix it up a little bit, okay?

Alright? Now, what do we do after every practice?

We're in the middle of a game here.

Oh, hey, let's do the jiggle dance.

Woo.

There's no jiggle dance in tee-ball.

Alright, let's throw our mitts high in the air. Go, yay!

Now, dogpile on Anthony!

Dogpile on Anthony! Woo!

I've got to be a clown at two birthdays and hopefully

drinking by seven. Are we still playing or not?

Ask him.

Hey, guys, look. Looks like Coach Joe is lonely.

Let's go dogpile on him.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We still got a game to play here.

Yeah, and it's called dogpile on the coach!

Hey, don't start a dogpile if you can't finish it.

[grunting]

Out into the field.

Anthony, if these kids want to run around like

a bunch of chickens, you go ahead and coach them.

I ain't got the time to waste. I got a barber shop to run.

Hey, wait a minute, old man.

Let's not forget the little matter

about you admitting that you were wrong.

- About what? - About me being a better coach.

Yeah, if you want to run a circus

instead of a baseball team.

- You never give me anything. - I give you everything.

I fed you. I clothed you.

Hey, you know by law you're required to do that.

Only till you're 18. Everything else came

from the bigness of my heart.

Well, you and your big heart can

get off this field because you know what?

I'm going to coach this game my way. Come on, guys.

You can't kick me off the field.

Oh, yeah? I just did.

- Oh, really? - Really?

[chuckles]

What do you think about that?

I know you just didn't kick dirt on my shoe.

What're you going to do about it?

- Hey. - Mm.

Careful what you kick with, old man

you might break a hip.

I hope I do break a hip and it comes clean out

so I can use it to pound some sense in your head.

Oh, what you talking about pound some sense in my head?

You're the one yelling at these kids.

[indistinct chattering]

Oh, no! You didn't just-

- Not on my new hat! - Now what you gonna do?

[indistinct chatter]

Don't look at me. I don't know either one of them.

[instrumental music]

Well?

Well what?

Well, are you happy?

Do I look happy?

I don't know, man. You always look like that.

Like a bulldog with a hernia.

How am I supposed to be happy?

We both just got kicked off a tee-ball field.

[chuckles]

B.. By an alcoholic clown umpire.

[laughing]

Not my proudest moment.

Oh, Paul's giving the year that I'm having, man.

It just might be mine.

Yeah, this has been a hell of a year for you, hasn't it, son?

- Yeah. - Sherry leaving you?

Absolutely no job prospects on the horizon.

Uh, excuse me, is this recap supposed to make me feel good

or make you feel good?

I don't know.

Me?

- Hey. - Huh?

Why is it that you never came to any of my games?

What?

Literally. I mean, I struck out that one game.

Pops and you never came back.

Anthony, life is not so simple.

I was just taking over the barbershop back in them days

and...Saturdays were my busiest day.

I, I couldn't leave to go to the park

but I made sure your mama was there.

And now that Tuga's here, I'll make his games if I can.

But you, you shouldn't keep score by looking at the past.

I accept your apology.

What apology? I didn't apologize.

I was just telling you how you should let go

of the past and move on.

Hey, if you can hear things the way you want to

so can I.

Are you happy?

Because you look happy to me.

(Flo) 'Hey.'

Oh, hey, mama.

- Hey, baby. - Hey, baby.

Where's Tuga?

After you left, a lot of the parents said

that Tuga was brave to be living with you two.

So they took him out for ice cream.

So who won?

Joe, it doesn't matter who won.

- Tuga had fun. - Thank you, mama.

That's what I've been trying to tell him.

We kicked their little butts 14 to 12.

- We made a great comeback. - How'd you do that, baby?

You take that doll away from little Billy

that boy gets mean.

[instrumental music]

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