Original subtitles

Dad, can you shake up my chocolate milk for me?

Oh, sure, son. Come here.

[blabbering]

[grunts]

Thanks, dad. I can't wait till we make scrambled eggs.

[chuckles] Go upstairs and play, son.

I gotta get ready for my audition.

You are talented. You will get this role and you deserve it.

I almost forgot. Damn, you pretty.

No matter how much you ask

Snow White's always gonna be prettier.

Hey, that's 'cause she had all that work done.

This here, it's all natural, baby. Black don't crack.

- Black don't crack. - So, what's with the mirror?

- You got an audition today? - Yeah, it's only one line.

Hey, but my character is a complicated youth

who's been left no choice by society

than to take it into his own hands.

- Wow! - Yeah.

That must be quite the line.

- What is it? - Stick them up.

Anthony, you're auditioning to play another mugger?

Hey, I prefer to think of him as an opportunist

who carries a gun, kind of like P. Diddy.

Doesn't it bother you

to perpetuate negative stereotypes like that?

Hey, it's not like I'm doing malt liquor ads.

Good for you.

They decided to go with someone younger.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one sec they've rubbed off the other ?

? Just step by step, day by day they can't stop the brother ??

[instrumental music]

Hey, Joe, look. "The Green Mile" is on again.

Oh Yeah, the one about the magical Negro.

The brother can cure cancer

but he can't get his butt out of jail.

[laughing]

- Hey, everybody. - Hey, Anthony.

Hey, sorry, I'm late.

(both) I got stuck in an audition.

When you gonna get stuck on a job?

For your Information this might be the one, pops.

It's down between me and Todd Bridges

but they might shoot it out of state

and we all know he can't travel.

Baby, mama's keeping everything crossed.

Mama, could you keep an eye on the phones too?

Uh. they say they might call today but

I got to go to Tuga parent-teacher conference.

Oh, your old elementary school.

Yeah, it's kind of weird.

You know, it's been 20 years.

I wonder if Miss Johnson, the school secretary is still there.

Oh! He had the biggest crush on her.

Well, I sure did.

I remember one time I threw

my sloppy Joe at a kid

to get sent to the office

Just so I could look at her.

You threw out a sandwich.

She must have been fine.

As fine as rainy day sunshine.

Tell him about it, Charlie.

Charlie, is that why you always

offered to pick Anthony up from school?

Charlie, you told me those afternoon walks

used to help you stretch out your legs.

Well, she sure put a spring in my step.

Hey, pops, he used to hop parking meters all the way

back to the shop, till that one day he came up short.

And for a long time after

there was no spring in anything.

You know, mama, I just hope Tuga's doing well in school

you know, moving across country and meeting new friends.

I mean, that could be tough on anybody.

Oh, I'm sure Tuga's fine, baby.

You know I remember your first parent-teacher conference

your teacher told us what a free spirit you were

and how you were always expressing your ideas.

I remember her saying the boy

couldn't sit still and wouldn't shut up.

All I remember is that the day after you met her

she hugged me and slipped me the number to child services.

[instrumental music]

Hello.

[clears throat]

- Miss Johnson? - Yes.

What happened?

Excuse me.

Black don't crack but it sure does chip.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Tuga Anderson's dad.

I'm here for the parent-teacher conference.

Wait a minute. Anthony Anderson?

You remember me! Oh!

I guess I made quite the impression around here.

Remember you?

You're the one who drilled a hole

in the cafeteria wall

so you could spy on the food.

Well, they kept us waiting till 11:30

- Mr. Anderson? - Yes.

Hi. I'm Tuga's teacher, Ms. Offerman.

- If you'll just come with me. - Sure.

- Oh. Bye, Miss Johnson. - I'm watching you.

[instrumental music]

So, Mr. Anderson, we've heard quite a lot about you.

You can't believe everything Miss Johnson says, you know.

She did have a thing for me back in the day.

I think she's still healing.

- I meant from Tuga. - Oh.

- Have a seat. - Sure.

Okay.

So, uh..

So, how's he doing, you know

'cause we uh, you know, we sit up and

do his homework together every night.

- Tuga's doing great. - Oh.

He's adjusting to his new school

making new friends.

Tuga's very special.

Oh, we don't mean wear a helmet for his own

protection kind of special, do we?

I see where he gets his sense of humor.

Alright.

You two must be very close.

He loves to talk about you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Listen, we're having a career day here next week

and I wondered if you might be willing to come in

and tell the kids more about what you do.

Oh, sure, I'd love to.

I never knew Tuga was so proud of the old man.

Fantastic. We've had a lot of parents speak in the past

but we've never had a fireman.

Say what?

Oh.

[mumbling] Okay.

- Do you need some help? - Oh, no, no, no. I'm cool.

You know, I am a fireman. I can get out of this.

[groaning]

[instrumental music]

- Oh. Hey buddy, what's up? - Hi, dad.

Oh, wow, Legos! Hey, let me guess what it is.

[mumbling]

I give up, man. What is that?

It's a fire station.

Oh.

Okay, so you're not gonna be an architect.

- You like fireman, uh, son? - Yep.

Yeah, just like your mama.

Listen here, son, I went to school today

and I had a meeting with your teacher.

Is there anything that you want to tell me?

Okay, I painted the hamster green

but I don't know who flushed it.

What did I tell you about that?

- Animals have rights too. - That's right.

Unless we're having a barbecue.

Look, son, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Hey, look.

Did you tell your teacher that I was a fireman?

Yes.

Come on, you do know what dad does for a living right, son?

- Kind of. You're an actor. - That's right.

So why didn't you tell your classmates that?

- Tuga. - I don't know. It was easier.

What do you mean? You do know what actors do right?

Yeah, but Joey's dad is an actor.

He's in a Mercedes commercial. You're not in anything.

Look, son, if they saw daddy on TV

in a Mercedes, they would pull the TV over.

Alright? Now look..

You know, I'm working hard for both of us, right?

And one day daddy's gonna be a big star.

- Bigger than Raven? - Hey, hey, hey, baby steps.

Baby steps. Okay?

Now look, you sit there and you play with your Legos, alright?

- Dad? - Yeah, son?

How'd your audition go today?

It went great, big man. Thanks for asking.

Hey, baby, how'd it go at Tuga's school today?

I'm not sure, mama.

I told you to stop helping that boy with his math.

No reason to drag him down with you.

Getting out of Anderson family tradition?

Drag your kids down with you?

What is the problem, baby?

Mama, Tuga told everybody at school that I was a fireman.

[laughing]

Evidently, he didn't see you trying to climb that ladder

to get that football off the roof.

Joe, please you would make a wonderful fireman, sweetie.

Come on, Flo, that boy can't even water the lawn.

I do every morning, pops. I just don't use a hose.

Okay. Look, baby, I don't understand

why would Tuga say something like that.

I'll tell you why.

'Cause all Tuga sees you do is going after these acting jobs

and come home without a cent.

No wonder the boy ain't proud of you.

Hey, he never said that he wasn't proud of me, pops.

Read between the lines, Anthony.

The boy lied about what you do.

Hey, what's going on?

Tuga told everyone at school

that Anthony is a fireman.

[laughing]

What are you laughing at?

Oh, I'm sorry, Anthony.

I was just picturing you sliding down that pole.

[laughing]

Sorry, baby. Mama knows funny.

I'm glad y'all can enjoy the fact

that my son thinks I'm a joke.

Anthony, your son loves you and that's all that's important.

I know, mama, but it's frustrating.

I gotta land a gig, my son doesn't

even understand what I do.

Well, you're not gonna have to wait long.

What do you mean?

Didn't you get the message?

That casting guy from this morning called

while you were out. You got the job!

[screaming]

I did it, mama! I got the gig!

Oh, my baby's gonna be a star! Did you hear that, Joe?

My baby's gonna be a star. Say something.

Well, looks like all my praying finally paid off.

Pops, you prayed for me to get a gig?

I prayed for you to move out.

But this job is a start.

Congratulations, son.

Oh, wait, we're gonna have to rewind that.

Uh, say that again, pops.

What I can't congratulate my son?

Oh, mama, there's that word again. Son.

You went out after enough of these acting jobs

look like you finally got one.

[gasps] Alright, uh..

I'd like to thank the Academy.

Uh, no, no. no, baby.

No. The Academy did not go through

18 hours of labor.

You're gonna thank your mama.

You know, this calls for a toast.

I'll go get a bottle of wine.

Hey, pops, what about that bottle of champagne

in the back of the fridge?

No, that that's your moving-out champagne.

I ain't popping that cork till you're gone.

Lydia, go get some glasses, will you?

Woo! Pinch me, mama, I think I'm dreaming.

No, baby, if you were dreaming mama would still be Lydia's age.

Daddy, what happened? Grandpa's smiling.

Tuga, guess what, son? Your daddy just scored a role

in the movie and we shoot on Saturday.

- Way to go, dad! - Alright.

Hey, what do you say I call the director

and ask if you can come watch me work?

Cool. I'm gonna go call Joey.

This is better than a car commercial.

Oh, I just can't wait to see your name in those credits

Starring Anthony Anderson as..

"Mugger In The Alley."

Mugger? Oh, hell, no.

What's your problem, pops?

My problem is you made me

waste a good bottle of wine.

Is that how you intend to earn your son's respect, Anthony?

Huh? Playing some low-life criminal?

Man, I don't get you, you spend most of your life

riding my ass about getting a job.

When I finally get one, it's not good enough?

Oh, boy, get out of here.

Come on pops. What's up with that, man?

What happened? I was only gone ten seconds.

Baby, that's how long it takes for those two

to go from zero to crazy.

You're playing a mugger in an alley.

I thought it would take you more than one job

to sell out over 400 years of struggle.

Hey, that's not fair, pops.

It's because of that struggle that I have this opportunity.

Sam Jackson played a crackhead

Morgan Freeman played a pimp

and poor Halle Berry had to sleep

with Billy Bob Thornton just to win an Oscar.

Come on, man, we all got to do things we don't want to do.

Crackheads and pimps, huh?

That's the image you want for your son and our grandson?

It's more complicated than that, pops.

Do you know why I work so hard at acting?

So I can give Tuga everything that I never had

and maybe take care of you and mama one day, too.

And if that makes me a sellout, man, I don't know what to say.

- Say you won't take this job. - No!

Look, I'm through trying to make you happy, man.

Look, I'm gonna take this job

and I'm gonna be the best that I can.

And you know what, pops?

I'm gonna make my son proud of me.

- Hey. - What?

Lydia and I are mad at each other.

Hey, mama, you gotta back me up here.

Baby, you know mama don't take sides.

I'm Switzerland in this family.

Well, right now you need to join the resistance

against Adolf Anderson over there.

Anthony, honey, you know the one thing

I love about what you do is that

you get a chance to experience different things.

I mean, you could play a congressman or a businessman..

But baby, I have never imagined you playing a criminal.

Please don't ask mama to get excited about that.

Okay, that's cool. Fine.

But all y'all are out of my Oscar speech.

Now, I'm only thanking Jesus.

[instrumental music]

What is this, Danny? I said a dollop of whipped cream.

This isn't a dollop, it's a dab. Get out of my sight!

I'm still holding this coffee.

Now, where's my mugger?

Oh, hey, here I am.

Uh, yeah, I'm Anthony Anderson

and I'll be your mugger this evening.

Yeah, cute. We start the scene

with you crouched behind those boxes

Then as soon as Candace comes down the alley

you jump out, hit your mark here, then rob her.

Excuse me for a minute.

I couldn't jump some big biker dude, man.

They gotta be one of the little Olsen twins over there.

Oh, no. Don't worry about it. You're gonna be great.

- Just remember your motivation. - Okay.

You haven't had crack in hours

and that girl has salvation in her Hello Kitty purse.

I just slap Coretta Scott King while I'm at it.

Who? I'm not familiar with her work.

Is she on that show "Girlfriends"?

Never mind, man. I got this. Alright. Cool.

- Hey, dad. - Oh!

Hey, little man. Hey, Lydia. You guys made it just in time.

Look, we're about to shoot my scene right now.

Hey, son, uh..

So you're excited about being here at work with dad?

Yeah, you look like the cafeteria lady.

Yeah, it's a proud day for us all, son.

They are ready, mugger. Here's your gun.

Cool! Dad, is that a real gun?

Oh, no, son, it's just fake.

Hey, and what did I tell you about guns?

Guns don't kill people.

Crazy policemen with guns kill people.

- And? - Never ever touch one.

My man, there you go. Alright, look, we're about to do this.

But you guys can watch from over there, okay?

- Okay. Good luck, Anthony. - Alright.

I'll be watching you, dad.

Hi, I'm the director.

Okay. Quiet on the set.

This is a take, people. Roll sound.

[bell ringing]

And action!

[screaming]

Uh. Hey, little white girl.

You mind if I borrow a tad of your allowance, I mean-

Cut!

That's not the line, mugger.

Just do it like you did in the casting session the other day.

You know, street it up. Give it some blacktitude.

Oh, yeah, blacktitude.

Like two parts junkie, one part Pierce.

That's the cocktail I'm looking for.

- Okay. I got it. - I love what you're doing.

Okay, let's do it. This one's for the homies.

Roll sound.

And action!

- Hey! - Ah!

Ah, you're sure you're in the right neighborhood?

Cut!

What is going on? The line is "Give me your purse

before I bust the cap in you, cracker."

You know, I was just thinking, man.

Why do I have to steal the money?

I mean, why can't I just borrow it from her

and pay it back to her? Look at me.

I'm sure I got a government check coming.

Mugger, I don't want to have to replace you

but I will if we have a problem here.

Look, man, could you not call me mugger?

I have my son here with me today and I'm a little worried

about the messages that I'm sending him.

Well, the message that you're sending me

is that you're difficult to work with

and you don't want to get a reputation.

So do yourself a favor and say the lines I wrote.

- Okay. - I read vibe.

I know the streets, dog.

You got it, dog.

Great. Places, everyone.

Give me your purse before I bust the cap in you, cracker.

[laughs]

- Come on, son. Let's go. - Hey, mugger?

- Come on, let's go. - Mugger?

[instrumental music]

Mugger?

Baby, I am so proud of you.

I know today was really hard for you.

Thanks, mama.

I just can't believe you got fired

from your very first job.

I never got fired from a job in my life.

Pops, you've only had one job and you hired yourself.

And besides I didn't get fired. I quit.

I never quit a job either.

(Flo) Joe.

Well, I guess you did do right by your son today.

- Tuga should be proud. - Yeah.

I hope so.

I just wish there was a way that I can show him what I do.

So kids, now what does fireman Anthony

say to do when your biscuits are burning?

(all) Stop, drop and roll!

Oh, yeah!

[all cheering]

Thank you, Mr. Anderson, this is definitely

the best career day we've had in a long time.

Hey, son, now that's what you call acting.

Way to go, dad!

Okay, class, let's have a big round of applause

for Tuga's dad, fireman Anthony!

[children screaming]

Now, this is what you call a curtain call.

[children screaming]

[instrumental music]

Alright, son. You stay on guard, right there, okay?

- Hey, is anybody coming? - All clear.

Okay, good.

[grunts]

Oh, look I can't believe

my cafeteria peephole is still here.

[laughing]

Oh! Looks like you're gonna have mac and cheese for lunch, son.

[gasps]

All those tater tots.

Oh, my God.

It's that square pizza.

You will never ever have pizza like that again, son.

Oh, my God, is that cream corn?

- Anthony Anderson! - Yes.

Son, this is a fire extinguisher and-

In my office now!

I'm sorry, Miss Johnson.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with him.

[theme music]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0