Original subtitles

[humming]

Oh! Essence, ha ha!

Let's see what today's black woman is thinking.

"101 ways to cook collard greens by Patti LaPelle."

Shoot, honey. I got 120.

Hm-mm. Look at this, mama.

It's a love quiz.

"Is your man a Denzel or a Bobby Brown?

"When you go out to a restaurant

does your man hold open the door for you?"

No, he just rolls down the window and yells "supersize it."

"Does your man whisper sweet nothings in your ear?"

Baby, your daddy hasn't whispered since 1984.

- "Is he spontaneous?" - Does gas count?

No.

- Give me that magazine. - Right there.

No.

No.

Never.

Oh, no, honey, if he wants me to do that to him

he's gonna have to do that other thing to me.

Baby, do I smell your dumplings?

Not tonight? You don't.

What the hell was that about?

Today's black woman. What you gonna do?

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one sec they've rubbed off the other ?

? Just step by step, day by day, they can't stop the brother ??

[instrumental music]

- Found you! - Great.

Now you hide and I'll look for you.

- Okay. - Five, ten, fifteen, twenty.

- Hey, pops, what's up? - Not your son's IQ.

We've been playing hide-and-go-seek

for over an hour.

I haven't moved and he still hadn't caught on.

Oh! Hey, remember those great games we used to play

when I was a kid?

You know, games like

fetch dad a beer or

where's my belt?

Or, or, don't you come out that room

if you know what's good for you.

Yeah, those were good times.

- Grandpa. - Hey, I found you.

Now, you go count and I'll hide.

Okay, I love this game.

[chuckles]

He's so sad.

Listen, pops.

Can I borrow your car to go to the mall real quick?

[chuckles] What you want to borrow my car?

Come on, pops. It's a chance at a job, man.

They're holding auditions to be one of Santa's elves.

Well, then, let me put it to you in a way

you'll understand. Ho, ho, no.

Come on, I'm a grown man, pops.

I'm not that six-year-old kid that spilled

soda on the front seat.

It was a vanilla shake, you were 23

and in case you're wondering..

...it was a Tuesday.

Hey, guys.

There's my favorite med student.

Here you go, Lydia.

- She's all gassed up. - Thanks, Mr. A.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-huh.

Tell me those are the keys to your cold empty heart

'cause I know it can't be what I think it is.

Anthony, my car's in the shop so your dad's lending me his.

Ouch, ooh, ah!

Hey, Lydia, do you mind pulling that knife off my back?

My daddy just stuck in it 'cause it's starting to itch.

Boy, don't give me that. That girl's responsible.

She's gonna be a doctor.

You ain't nothing but a wannabe elf.

[Joe laughing]

(Tuga) 'Grandpa, I'm still hiding.'

Lord, I hope that child learns a trade.

Ready or not, here I come.

I can't believe him.

But how can he give you the keys to his car and not me?

I'm responsible.

Because, Anthony, your dad sees me

busting my tail.

Going to med school, studying, working at the shop.

I mean, those are the kinds of things that he understands.

But you're chasing a dream

and a guy like Joe doesn't get that.

Hey, I bust my tail too.

Do you know how hard it is for a man my size

to audition to be an elf?

Come on, that's like Shaq going out

for the Gary Coleman story.

Alright. Well, I'm going to the gym at the mall.

I'll give you a ride to your audition

if you stop whining.

Oh, thanks.

'Cause if I have to wear elf shoes on the bus

I'm gonna get my ass kicked.

[instrumental music]

Oh, look. There's a spot right there.

Oh, no, no. That's too small.

Oh, Damn! Look at those guys.

I hope they're not here for the audition.

Why do you think they're here? The white sale at Macy's?

Come on. You gotta get me there, Lydia. Come on.

Oh, look, there's a spot right there.

That's a handicapped space, Anthony?

So what? I'll limp when I get out?

Look, take that. Take that one.

That's not wide enough.

I could have parked Star Jones in that spot.

- Stop the car! - Okay.

Now get over.

I'm gonna park this bad boy.

Come on. Let's get over. Come on.

I just, I don't feel right about this, Anthony.

[grunts]

Now, the first thing you do

in a classic automobiles such as this

is you center the steering wheel.

Now since this here is a caddy

no tens and twos. Uh-uh.

You just do noon.

Now fix my mirror.

Alright, there we go.

And most importantly

a little parking music

has to make you one with the flow.

Oh! And I was taking too long?

[instrumental music on stereo]

Uh-huh, you like that, don't you?

That's it, Lydia, break it down. There you go.

Bop your head, baby. Bop your head.

[laughing]

[tires screeching]

Okay, I'm gonna need a passport

some cash and a good plastic surgeon.

[instrumental music]

Daddy, you're home.

What happened to grandpa's car?

We had a little accident.

Dad, what'd you do?

Hey! Other people around here too screw up.

Okay, in this case, it happened to be me.

Grandpa's going to go ballistic when he sees this.

I know. You better hide for real this time.

Hey, but don't hide in the trash can

'cause that's where daddy's gonna hide.

[whining]

Lydia, look at this. Oh, my! I am so dead.

- Give me the toolbox. - Okay.

All that's in here is a bunch of Twinkies.

This ain't Texas. What you don't think I deserve a last meal?

Oh, Anthony, I mean maybe your dad will understand

accidents happen.

Oh, yeah, he tells me that every year on my birthday.

Hmm.

(Joe) Hey, Lydia.

Back so soon?

Boy, don't lean on that, you scratch it

I'll knock them dreads out your head.

No problem, pops.

- Want a Twinkie? - Boy, what'd you do?

All I did was ride to the mall with Lydia.

- What'd you spill. - Nothing.

Okay, there is some gum in the ashtray.

But, uh, you're not gonna be focused on that.

Oh!

Oh, my baby.

- Come on, pops. - Boy, what happened to my car?

What happened to my baby?

Of all in my list, stupid, irresponsible!

This is just like you, Anthony. Just like you!

- Don't yell at him Mr. A. - Why not?

- Because I did it. - What?

But the gum was mine.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, hey, Lydia, uh, I just wanted to say thank you

for taking that bullet for me last night.

And to show you how I appreciate it

I made you bacon and eggs this morning.

It's just eggs.

Hey, I waited an hour.

Tell you what, close your robe, we'll call it even.

Oops! Six more weeks of winter.

Oh.

Anthony, you would have done the same for me.

Yeah. No, I wouldn't have.

I just figured that your dad would go

easier on me because you know..

- What? - Come on?

I'm your dad's favorite med student.

Oh. Hey, Mr. A.

Miss Serrano.

Uh..

You're up early.

Yeah, I just came back from the body shop.

I wanted to see my baby one more time

before they started working on her.

They tell me she'll pull through but..

...with things like this, you never know.

Listen a-again, Mr. A, I'm sorry about the accident

and if there's anything I can do to make it up to you

please let me know.

There's no price for my tears, Miss Serrano.

I'll let you know when I get the estimate.

Wow!

I kinda thought he'd be taking this a little better.

That look in his eyes scared me.

It's almost like he was looking at you.

I've seen that look kill a bird in mid-flight.

Lydia, look, I can't let you take the rap for this.

I'm gonna tell him the truth today at work.

We cool?

We'd be a lot cooler if you would just close that robe.

[instrumental music]

- Flo? - Hmm?

Mechanic said everything's gonna be alright.

I guess those candles I lit last night really helped.

You know, Joe, if you cared as much about our marriage

as you do about your car, we wouldn't be in trouble.

Baby, we're not in trouble.

According to this love quiz, we are.

Now focus. I'm gonna ask you one more question.

If you were fruit what kind of fruit would you be?

I don't know. Little Richard?

[laughing]

Okay, Flo.

Since it's so easy for you.

What kind of fruit would you be?

An olive. Black and spicy?

Oh! Now, just one second. Now, olive is not a fruit.

Don't make me slap the shine off you, Charlie.

Olive, it is.

Hey, what's up, yo? How's everybody?

Well, when it doesn't hurt to pee, I'm fine.

Hey listen, pops, you got a minute?

I want to talk to you about Lydia.

I don't know anybody named Lydia anymore.

- It was an accident. - No.

Michael Jackson's face is an accident.

This is a catastrophe.

Now, Joe, you stop it. Lydia made a mistake.

That's what people do.

I already raised one of those people.

Well, maybe now that you see Lydia's not so perfect

you'll see that Anthony's not so bad.

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, daddy.

Oh! Hey, what's up, little man?

- Where'd you get the soda? - Charlie gave it to me.

Yeah, he said you let him drink soda whatever he wants to.

[laughing]

Tuga, you lied to Charlie.

Now, what did I tell you about lying?

Only to white men and the police.

Now, where did you hear that?

I think it's time for my break.

Are you mad at me for drinking soda?

No, son, I'm mad at you for lying.

Look even if it gets you in trouble

you have to always tell the truth.

Take that and go on the back and finish your homework.

Hey pops, about Lydia. You know, you shouldn't be mad at her.

I'm not. I'm mad at myself for trusting that girl.

Yeah, pops, but you know-

If I was wrong about her then..

...maybe I've been wrong about some other things, too.

Seeing as I ain't gonna take her to the game tonight

I was gonna scalp her ticket, but..

You got any plans?

Are you inviting me to the game tonight?

Well, no invitation. I'm asking you if you want to go.

How is that not an invitation?

Don't make a federal case of it, Anthony.

You want to go? Just be ready to go at six.

Okay, cool.

I know you ain't getting ready to hug me.

Maybe you're right. We should take this slow.

Slower.

See you tonight.

- Joe? - Uh?

In your own twisted way, that was sweet what you just did.

Uh-huh.

- Pimento. - What?

That's the kind of fruit I'd be if..

...because it goes best with an olive.

[chuckles]

[laughing]

Just when you think the man's a lost cause.

Oh!

[instrumental music]

- Hey. - Oh, hey, Lydia.

So, how did things go with your dad?

Is there gonna be any tension between us

at the Clippers game tonight?

Uh..

Not tension.

More like distance.

He's taking me to the game tonight instead.

I can't believe you, Anthony.

You didn't even tell him that you were the one

who crashed his car, did you?

No, I wanted to. I tried to.

But when I was about to, he invited me to the game.

And that's never happened before, Lydia.

It's just going to be me and him tonight.

And 20 000 other fans who couldn't afford Laker tickets.

What about me? Mr. A is gonna hate me for the rest of my life.

Wait a minute, what do you care

if my pops likes you or not? Huh?

Just forget it.

[sighs]

No, no, Lydia. I want to know.

Okay. You know how you feel your dad doesn't appreciate you

like you can do nothing right in his eyes.

Like you are just one big failure to him.

- No matter what you do. - How this become about me?

We were talking about you.

Well, let me tell you something.

I want to be a pediatrician, right?

Well, my dad's a heart surgeon.

I'm going to USC Med School. He went to Harvard Med School.

I have a 3.8 average and he had a 4.0.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Yeah, if I ever get sick I'm calling your old man.

My father's done nothing but criticize me my whole life.

Nothing I do is ever good enough.

But with Mr. A, he treats me like I'm special.

He is so proud of me.

Or at least he was.

Okay, I get it. This isn't fair to you.

I shouldn't have let you take the blame.

My pops and I are never going to change. There's no hope.

But I'll go correct with him, right now.

Wait.

Why don't you tell him tomorrow?

- Really? - Yeah.

What's another couple of hours?

I mean, you should at least try

to have one great night with your dad.

Oh, thanks, Lydia.

Okay, baby, so if you have an eight

and you add another eight, what do you have?

Sixteen.

No!

You have two eights. Which means

you have to split 'em on a man next to you

get mad and throw his drink in your face.

- Math is hard. - I know.

- We'll see you later, baby. - Okay.

Me and Anthony get ready to leave for the game.

- Grandpa? - Hmm?

Why are you taking daddy

to the game instead of Lydia?

Because that girl crashed my car.

No, she didn't.

What do you mean, baby?

Daddy did it.

Say what?

Come here a minute, Tuga.

Now, Joe, remember the baby's just a messenger.

So your daddy crashed my car.

Yes, and daddy told me to always tell the truth.

And no matter what happens to your daddy

that's a good rule to follow.

Joe.

Oh, don't worry. baby.

I'm still gonna take him to the game.

The game just got a little more exciting. That's all.

I'm not worried about you taking him.

I'm worried about him coming back.

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

[crowd cheering]

- Ha ha! We got him now. - Yeah, we got him, son.

You having a good time?

Oh I'm having lots of fun, pops.

The fun is just beginning.

Hey guys, let's get this started, right?

Woo!

Hey, you know, I'm just sorry. I left my wallet at home.

I don't know what I was thinking.

How about you buy your old man a hot dog?

Man, pops. I just bought you two pretzels

a beer and some nachos.

I know, son, but eating kind of takes my mind

off the pain Lydia caused by wrecking my car.

Hey, hey, hey! Two hot dogs over here.

Pass that down, dawg. Pass that down.

And speaking of Lydia.

Oh, no, no, no, no, who's speaking to her?

Hey, look, pops. They just put the white guy in.

We should put her in the garage and put you in the house.

No, we don't have to do that. Look, I'm happy in the garage.

Look, me and the roaches. We just ironed out our schedule.

[cheering]

Maybe I should just kick her out all together. What do you think?

I think we should just watch the game, pops.

Uh, we don't even have to talk about her.

Way to far from downtown, baby.

Way to go, man!

I got it. I sue her for pain and suffering.

Pops, you weren't even in the car.

No, son, but you were.

And your neck looks like it's acting up on you.

Oh, no, my neck is fine.

[groaning]

See, see, see that?

- I'll call my lawyer right now. - Pops, no.

Now, Anthony, I've already made up my mind.

I'm gonna sue that girl.

Pops, wait.

Why?

Because Lydia didn't crash your car, I did.

[crowd cheering]

I'll show you a whole new use for this thing.

Pops, I wanted to tell you the truth.

Before your six-year-old son did?

What?

You knew all along?

Tuga ratted me out?

Your boy had been six years old, Anthony

cracked like an egg.

See, that's classic Anthony.

You screw up and then you're not man enough to admit it.

Now, how dumb is that?

Yeah, you know what else is dumb?

The fact that I had to go through all this

just so we could spend one lousy night

together at a ball game.

Look how messed up is that?

That's why you lied about the car?

So we could spend some time together?

Shuck, son, when you when you put it that way

it's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

You know what's pathetic is that we don't do anything together.

Pops, you don't invite me to games.

You, you don't ask me how my auditions went.

It's like you don't even care.

Oh, really?

Hey, pop, I need to move back home. No problem, son.

Hey pop, I need a little money for groceries. No problem, son.

Hey pop. I need help raising my child. No problem.

Yeah, I guess that's not caring.

Maybe you got a point.

That's it, my man. That's a player. Bravo.

Why do you keep staring at me like that, Anthony, huh?

You know me, you know I'm not comfortable

with all that Dr. Phil touchy, feely stuff. Now stop.

Pops, I just wanna spend some time together.

Well, we're doing that.

If you don't quit eyeballing me, we'll never do it again.

Now, watch the game and have a good time.

Thanks.

What you thinking me for? I forgot to get us some napkins.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

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