Original subtitles

[jazz music]

See, Tuga, that's real music.

You can't C Walk to that.

Hmm?

Hey, Tuga, come on, it's time to go to bed.

Man, what are you doing, poisoning my son's mind

with that crazy old man music?

Do not call jazz crazy old man music.

I'm trying to teach Tuga here true American art form

the one that has survived ice tea, ice cube

and all them other good cold drinks.

Listen to that saxophone, Tuga.

I'm trying to listen to the part

where they all agree to play the same song, man.

? Ba da ba doo bap skippy dippy dee doo ba doo bap ??

Excuse me! This happens to be Mr. Thelonious Monk

the foremost free-form jazz pioneer ever.

And we all know what happened to the pioneers

killed off by the Indians for making music like this.

Freeze!

Do not put them sausage fingers on my record.

Those happen to be priceless..

(all) Disc of vinyl perfection.

- Yeah. - Yeah. That's right

Only your mother and I are allowed to touch those records

and only her when she's dustin' them.

Come on, pops, let me bring you to the 21st century, man.

Let me at least play you something by somebody

who's still alive.

Alright, Anthony

we'll listen to anybody you want to

as long as they haven't been arrested on gun charges

or had a child out of wedlock

Thelonious, play on, brother.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one ?

? Must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one.. ?

? They've rubbed up the other ?

? Just step by step day by day ?

? They can't stop a brother ??

[upbeat music]

Next.

Damn, junior, what happened to your hair?

You going to a Buckwheat Festival?

- Hey, everybody. - 'Oh, hey, Anthony.'

Hey, baby. Hey, Tuga, how was school?

Oh, it was great, mama. Hey, remember that backwards L

problem he had last week?

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm, all finished

Let me see.

And it's gone.

Okay, look here, son

we're gonna work on that after dinner, okay?

I'll see you later, buddy.

Hey, thanks for watching him, mama.

- I'll see you when I get home. -Okay.

Hey, where are you going?

Oh, I'm off to my new job.

You're enlisted.

Lydia, get the yellow ribbon and wrap it around

the barber pole. Son, we're gonna miss you.

I ain't going to the army, pops

but I do see some enemy that I want to shoot.

What you doing, baby? What's your job?

Mama, you know, I gotta save money to work on

some new audition pictures.

So I got a job at a catering company.

You know, we're doing this fancy Hollywood bar mitzvah today.

This afternoon I'm gonna get my kosher on.

A fancy Hollywood party? You think Denzel gonna be there?

Oh, yeah, mama. You know Denzel, he never misses a bar mitzvah.

Yeah, well if you see Denzel, tell him he still owes me

for that haircut back in '83.

I knew when he won the Oscar I was never gonna see a dime.

Wai-wai-wait, Anthony, you don't have to cater

to get the money for your headshots.

I'm like an amateur photographer.

Shoot, I can take your pictures for you.

Oh, thanks, Lydia, but you know my career

could be riding on this.

You know, I need somebody that's a professional

somebody who's going to capture all my looks

How many you got?

Are you kidding? Check this out.

Alright, this is what I call my comedic look.

Oh, okay, here it goes.

This is my rapper pose right here.

Oh, this is my favorite one.

This is the Hey-white-people-I'm-safe look.

Wow, that is a safe look.

Yeah, you know, I almost caught a cab with that one last week.

Hey, daddy, I need a quarter for some gum.

Come on, buddy, I just gave you some candy on the bus.

That's enough sweets for today.

- But I want it. - No.

Please.

Alright, look, if I give you this now

you can't have any dessert later.

- Okay. - Alright.

Will somebody please get the number of that truck

'cause that boy just ran right over you.

What do you mean ran over?

Anthony, last night you let him have ice cream for dinner.

The night before that you let him stay up to what

11 o'clock to watch "ElimiDate."

You're not raising him, Anthony, you're training him to be you.

Come on, pops, you don't know how it is nowadays.

Me and my son are buddies.

We talk to each other. We negotiate.

See that's the difference between me and you.

No, the difference between me and you is I can change

the locks on the house.

You know, you're getting old, pops.

You should be trying to get into heaven.

[upbeat music]

Oh, Flo, that was a wonderful meal. Wonderful.

Great food, wonderful conversation.

I feel so full and relaxed.

Something was different.

When does Anthony get back?

That was it.

Hey, pilot, put your flaps down.

There's no running in the house.

What's for dessert, grandma?

I made a sweet potato pie, baby.

Whoa! Whoa! Oh, what did I just say?

That there's pie.

No, that's what grandma said.

I said there's no running in the house.

And your daddy said no dessert for you tonight.

You had gum this afternoon.

Now, wait a minute, Joe, I know you're not saying

some stanky gum is as good as my pie.

No, no, baby, no, I didn't say that but Anthony did.

You need to talk with him about that.

I want pie.

Now, I was standing right there, Tuga, when your daddy

said you cannot have dessert tonight.

He was kidding.

- The pie store is closed. - Grandma.

Sorry, baby, the puppy dog eyes ain't working on me.

You're both mean.

- Oh, hmm. You're both mean. - Stop that.

[both laughing]

[groaning]

Baby, why can't Anthony teach Tuga how to pick up

his toys when he gets finished playing with 'em?

He's just a baby, Joe.

When I was Tuga's age, my daddy had me mowing the lawn

and changing oil in his car.

Joe, your daddy had a metal plate in his head

and an invisible dog named Chester.

He still made me walk him three times a day.

Taught me responsibility.

The only thing Anthony's taught Tuga is how to suck the jelly

out of a donut.

So that's why they're always flat.

I just cussed out Mr. Chang down at the donut shop.

Now, I got to go down there and apologize.

Where is Tuga anyway?

He needs to come in here and pick up these toys.

- Tuga! - Honey, I'll get him.

No, baby. That's his responsibility.

He's gonna pick it up. Tuga!

You know what, he needs to learn responsibility.

I'm gonna start by letting him walk the dog.

- Tuga! - Joe!

- Huh? - We don't have a dog.

Not now, woman. Tuga!

What the..

You are not eating that pie.

Put that fork down.

Do not. Don't you dare.

'Tuga.'

Damn. You know all this time I thought you were smarter

than your daddy.

[upbeat music]

Hey, son, give me a big hug, man.

Aah! Alright.

Let's do our day swap. The bar mitzvah went great.

I taught a bunch of white people how to electric slide.

It was just like a Chris Rock movie.

That's great, dad.

Hey, you usually laugh when I make fun of Chris Rock.

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

Don't make me tickle it out of you.

Dad, stop! Stop! Don't make me laugh.

- I'm in trouble. - What did you do?

I was just eating pie and grandpa went crazy.

[music on TV]

You spanked my son?

Boy, you crazy. That's "Judge Judy."

What do you get off hitting my kid, pop?

Anthony, it was just a swat on the butt.

Now, no dessert means no dessert.

You negotiated the terms. I just enforced them.

Look, I'm not spanking Tuga, okay?

That's not how I'm raising my son.

Oh, you're raising him now, huh?

I thought y'all was just hanging out like buds.

Did you hear pops, mama?

Anthony, you know we love Tuga

but Tuga is a child and children need to be disciplined.

I don't believe the two of you.

The boy's mother abandoned him.

I had to uproot him and move him away from his friends.

He deserves a break and I don't think a stick of gum

or a lousy piece of pie is gonna ruin him.

Now, you wait a minute, boy. You're talking about my pie.

Anthony, Tuga needs a parent not a friend.

You've been cutting him slack when you should have been

cutting him a switch.

That don't mean you gotta beat him every time

he does something wrong, pops.

Hell, this ain't "Roots."

You whoop me, that didn't do no good.

I never hit you.

(both) What?

Man, you hit me plenty.

I was 14 years old before I realized that tree out back

wasn't called a switch tree.

Well, if I ate all that dinner so I wouldn't have to talk

to you through six inches of plate glass now.

You thought I was gonna work at Kentucky Fried Chicken?

I'm talking about jail, fool.

Alright. Alright. Alright. Everybody just calm down.

Anthony, all your father and I are saying is that Tuga

is a child, and there are times when the child needs discipline.

And if that means a little pat on the backside

every now and then, then so be it.

That's the way we raise kids around here.

Well, we're not raising kids in this house.

I am. I am his parent.

Now, I moved him out here so he could be surrounded by family.

I wanted your support not your interference.

I-Interference?

Sounds like all you wanted was a babysitter.

You know what? I don't want nothing from you.

From now on I'll take care of Tuga by myself

and you two, you can stay the hell out of it.

Oh, if I wasn't a Christian woman.

- Well, I'm not. - No, don't.

[upbeat music]

- What are you doing? - I'm making Tuga's lunch.

Don't worry, I'll slip it in his knapsack without what's-his-name

knowing about it.

Now, Flo, you heard your ungrateful son.

I believe his exact words were "Stay the hell out of it."

Now, step away from the ham.

- Good morning, Joseph. - Oh.

- Florence. - Mm-hmm.

- Mmm, pancake. - No, no, no, no, son.

That's okay. We'll handle this ourselves.

Daddy's cooking breakfast today at McDonald's.

That's too bad 'cause your mama

sure put her foot in these pancakes.

Mmm, mama, will you please put that foot in his mouth?

Put these shoes on so we can go, son.

That's how your son is going to school in swim trunks?

I don't want to wear underwear.

I want to go commando like grandpa.

You can fly free, buddy. Go grab your knapsack.

Joe, did you hear that that boy's not wearing any drawers?

I can't hear a thing.

Baby, these pancakes are so good I have lost my hearing.

Joe.

Relax, Flo. Cosby there says he's got it.

Uh, can I have some more bacon, please?

Of course I can. They're not having any.

Hmm. Eat the whole pig. I'll see you in intensive care.

Can I wear my Superman cape?

Oh, sure you can, son. Anything you want, buddy.

- Let's fly. - Bye, grandma.

- Bye, pop-pop. - Bye, baby.

Bye, sweetheart.

No underwear and a Superman cape..

Sound like your father at our wedding.

Yeah, but you got to admit, baby

he gave one hell of a toast.

[upbeat music]

Look, up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane.

Ow! Ow! Ooh! It's a hernia. Ooh!

Can I play Gameboy?

You know, it'd be nice if you wait till I at least say yes.

How's it going, super dad?

Oh, it's going great. Couldn't be better.

I'm raising my son on my own and loving it.

Lydia, I'm in trouble. Can you help me?

Let me guess.

You finally decided to come crawling back to me.

Well, since you're begging I'll save your career

and take your headshots.

No, that's not it.

The guy from the catering company

wants me to come do a bar mitzvah today.

- Can you watch Tuga for me? - No, I have to go to class.

Well, can you loan me the money so I can hire me a babysitter?

No, I'm a starving student.

Well, can you at least loan me your car

so I can get to the gig?

Alright, we're done here.

I couldn't help hearing. You need a babysitter.

You want me to help you out?

Oh, really, mama, you'd do that?

Hell no.

After the way you talked to us last night

I would have slapped a bee off your hind.

Mom, I didn't start that fight, pops did.

Listen, Anthony, all your father and I have done

ever since you got home was try to support you.

Now, you had no right going off on us like that.

Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you guys.

Hey, but look at it from my side.

It's hard enough that I have to come home and ask you guys

for help without you criticizing me on how to raise Tuga.

Baby, I get it.

You're trying to help Tuga get over losing his mama.

But sooner or later you're gonna have to lay down the law.

Now that is a part of healing and moving on.

And only you know when the time is right.

I got faith in you, baby. And so does your daddy.

He does?

No, I got swept up in the moment.

- Thank you. Mama, I love you. - Oh, I love you too.

Oh, I got to get to work.

[clears throat]

You don't miss a thing, do you?

Come on, Superman, let's fly.

- Goodbye, grandma. - Bye, baby.

[upbeat music]

Ha ha.

Not only did you make good tips today, but you and your dimples

calmed them out of a whole tray of meat.

- Nothing like free meat. - Ha, that's right.

- Did you have fun today, son? - Yeah.

Well, why can't I have a bar mitzvah?

That kid got a lot of money.

First of all, it's not about money.

You know in Jewish religion

that's the day that a boy becomes a man

and secondly you have a better chance to become president.

- I can be president? - No.

But in that outfit you could be a Secret Service agent

who takes a bullet for the president.

Alright!

Oh, that's it, son. Celebrate the small victories.

Now, how about I go in the kitchen to make us some

free meat sandwiches?

Okay. I'll guard the president.

Uh-oh, hot lava.

I have to save the president.

But I can't step in the hot lava.

Ooh, magic-flowing squares.

Hey, son, you want brisket or do you want..

Man, what are you doing standing on your grandpop's records?

My God, son, what have you done? Huh?

- Sorry. - Look at this.

You know how much these records mean to your grandpa?

You weren't supposed to touch 'em.

I said sorry. Where's my sandwich?

That's it! Get upstairs.

Why are you yelling at me? You don't yell.

Maybe it's time I started. Now get to your room.

[instrumental music]

- What are you doing? - Playing Gameboy.

- Turn it off, son. - Why? I'm in my room.

We need to talk, son.

I know I've been letting you get away

with a little bit too much lately.

No, dad, you're doing a great job.

Nice try.

Now when your mom left, I knew it would be hard on you

so I decided that you needed a buddy

to help you get through it.

And I let you slide on some things and and have fun

doing whatever you wanted

and that's how grandpa's records got broken.

Does that mean we're not buddies anymore?

We'll always be buddies, son.

But I think it's time that we go back to the way

that things were. Alright?

We're gonna go back to boundaries

to rules and bedtimes.

- But, dad- - But, dad, nothing.

And because you misbehave, I'm taking this for a week.

- What? - That's two weeks.

You want to go for three?

Look, son, I know it may not seem like it right now

but this is gonna be a good thing for both of us.

It'd be better if you didn't take my Gameboy.

Sorry, and I know once I leave this room you're gonna

pray to God that I slip trip and fall down those steps.

But it's not gonna happen.

I know. I used to wish the same thing for my daddy.

[upbeat music]

Ella.

Duke.

Billy.

Billy, first Diana Ross butchers your songs and now this.

What the hell happened?

Look, pops, Tuga broke your records. He says he's sorry.

Sorry? He ain't half as sorry as he's gonna be.

I must have told that boy a hundred times

don't touch these records.

- Pops, relax, man. - Relax?

Anthony, do you know how long it took me to find these records?

Look here. "Duke at the Savoy."

You can't find that anymore.

That child needs to be punished.

- Pops, I've handled it. - You..

Since when did you handle it, Anthony?

What you're gonna do, have a little chit-chat?

Negotiate another piece of pie?

No, I yelled at him and I took away his Gameboy.

- For how long? - Two weeks.

I guess maybe that'll work.

Let's hope he doesn't hate me for it.

Hey, you can't be a good parent

unless your child hates you a little.

Hell, you must be father of the century.

Look, look, pops, I know these are some words.

You probably never thought you'd hear me say.

You moving out?

Will you let me have a moment, old man?

I'm trying to tell you that you were right.

Well, I'm right about a lot of things. Be specific.

Okay, look, maybe over the past six months

I have loosened the reins a little bit too much on Tuga.

And I need to become less of a buddy

and more of a parent.

Now, you're talking.

And even though I am his parent and I can do this on my own..

Maybe you and mama can, you know, help me out

a little when it comes to raising him?

Yeah, well, we ain't going nowhere.

And unfortunately, it seems like you ain't going nowhere either.

About your records..

...I'll replace them.

With what?

With the money that I've been saving for my headshots.

And what about your headshots?

I don't know. I'll figure out something.

Oh, yeah. Oh, this is great.

You come around. Now, work for me, Anthony. That's right.

Uh-huh. Okay, now make the camera love you. That's right.

Make me love you, baby. Work with the lens.

- I'm Marilyn Monroe right here. - That's right. That's right.

Woo-hoo! That's good. That's good. That's good.

Alright, let's see. Ow! I love that.

That's right..

Now, let me see your little moves. Now, shake it, baby.

Shake it. That's right. Mm-hmm.

- Uh.. - Hold on! Hold on!

- I got to shake. - Uh, okay.

- Uh, shake it a little less. - Oh, okay.

Okay, now let me see sexy. Sexy. Uh-huh.

'Wooh! Mwah.'

[theme music]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0