Original subtitles

- Hey, morning, pop. - Huh?

You know, we're really gonna have to do something

about me sleeping on that sofa in the garage.

Well, there's always the front lawn.

No, wait. I'd be better putting you in the back.

I don't want the neighbors to have to see that.

Ha ha ha. You're a funny, funny man.

Luckily, a funny man with hypertension. Mwah.

Hey, what did I tell you about kissing me, huh?

Hey, warden, what's up with the lock, man?

Since you moved in here, Anthony

you have gone through 48 eggs, six pounds of bacon

five loaves of bread, half a turkey, and one apple.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You can't pin that apple on me, man.

The only fruit I eat in this house comes in a roll-up.

Morning, pop-pop. Morning, dad.

- Morning, Tug. - Hey, good morning, son.

Why don't you go upstairs and get dressed?

Let's go to the Pancake House and eat.

Seems like we're living with the Grinch who stole breakfast.

No, thanks. I think I'll eat here.

You want to eat here?

What's he talking about he gonna eat here?

Oh, man! How come he get a key and I don't?

He's a growing boy.

Now what kind of a grandfather would I be

if I denied my own grandson food?

What kind of a father are you?

The kind that thought that when you moved

to New York you were gone for good.

You know what? I don't even want to eat your breakfast.

I'm just going to eat some soap in the shower.

Does he know about the lock on the hot water?

No, but he's about to find out. Want to go watch?

I mean, I can't eat no breakfast.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one.. ?

? They've rubbed up the other ?

? Just step by step day by day ?

? They can't stop a brother ??

[upbeat music]

I wouldn't change a thing, Crystal

if I was going out to '80s night.

Baby, I got two decades of work to do here.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, baby. How did your audition go?

- Ooh, I got it. - Really?

No, but I've always wanted to say that.

Hey, what's up with the jar, pops?

Oh, I drop a penny in here each time

you blow one of those auditions.

Oh.

I've been saving up for a fishing pole

but at the rate you're going

I just might buy a new boat to go with it.

[laughing]

I'm sorry, Anthony, but he pays my health insurance.

You know what, pops?

I'm going to work on mama's side of the shop today.

Alright, but first let me set the scene.

Your character enters the room pushing a broom.

He sees hair on the floor, and action!

Mama, out of all the men you've ever dated

nobody ever measured up to that?

[chuckles]

Child, get your man off your father

and shampoo my 11 o'clock.

Oh, great shampooing.

I was feeling a little bit too masculine today anyway.

Honey, you haven't seen my 11 o'clock.

Mama, when I'm ready to meet a woman

I will do it the old-fashioned way, okay?

I will go get drunk at a bar and wait till closing time

and see who's left.

This one is sober pretty.

Go wash her hair.

Okay.

Hello.

My name is Anthony, and I will be shampooing you today.

Now, it's my first day of work release, so don't be nervous.

- What? - Oh, I'm just kidding with you.

You know, it pays to talk tough in the shampoo game.

So, why haven't I ever seen you in here before?

Oh, it's my first time. I just moved to LA.

My husband and I recently separated.

- Oh, any kids? - Just the one he left me for.

Yeah, you know, my girl left me

about six months ago in New York.

You know, she didn't even have the courtesy

to leave me a letter.

She e-mailed me, though, but took the computer.

Needless to say, I was left in the dark for a while.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, that's okay.

You know, me and my son, we're doing alright.

You know, Tuga, he's a good kid.

Well, what made you move to LA?

Well, I wanted Tuga to be around family.

Not necessarily my family, but it's the best that I could do.

Well, that's nice. You moved out for your kid.

Oh, and I'm also an actor.

Anthony Anderson.

I sing, act, dance.

You know, most people call me the male Wayne Brady.

[both laugh]

Nice to meet you, Anthony.

- I'm Jackie. - A pleasure.

Listen, it seems like we have a lot in common.

Maybe we can go get coffee sometime.

Yeah, he can get coffee, baby. He loves coffee.

[laughs] Thank you, crazy lady.

Here's my number. Give me a call sometime.

I will. I will definitely call.

You got the card. Now run, Seabiscuit, run.

Okay.

Will you look at that?

I wasn't even trying, and I still got it.

Yeah, now you're trying to give it to that poor girl.

Hey, hey, she's trying to give it to me.

She gave me her card and said she'd like to get together.

So what you think about that, old buzzard?

You jumping back into the dating pool?

I just might need me another job.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

Really, Jackie?

You were attracted to me right away, too?

[chuckles]

Girl, you so crazy.

Alright.

Shirt look good.

Hair look good.

Wooh!

And at $1.49 a bottle, you better smell good.

[knock on door] 'What's going on in there?'

(Joe) 'You know, this bathroom, Anthony'

'is only for family and guests.'

Hey, I'll be out in a minute, pop.

[keys jingling]

Your minute's up, Liberace.

You and those keys, man.

You know, you damn near ruined my puberty.

Are you using my good cologne?

Yeah, I told you I'm going to meet

that lady from the beauty shop.

- Anthony? - Yeah?

What does your son think about you going out on a date?

He doesn't think anything because there's no reason

for me to tell him.

Pops, it's just coffee.

None of my business.

Finally.

But if it was my business..

...I'd say that you got a child you're trying to raise.

I'd say that you're trying to jumpstart

this DOA acting career of yours.

I'd say that you ain't got time to be messing with no women.

Pops, I'm 30 years old, man.

What do you want me to do, sit around this house

for the rest of my life?

Boy, don't even play like that.

I'm just looking at your track record

with the ladies, that's all.

What track record, huh?

I had three dates in high school.

I got married at 21.

Yeah, and look how that turned out.

Hey, Sherry was the one who left, remember?

She was the one who couldn't handle

being a wife or a mother anymore.

And for your information, I tried to make her happy.

I tried everything.

So I'm not going to take the rap on this one alone, alright?

It takes two people to screw up a marriage.

What you telling me for? I said it ain't none of my business.

Hey.

Is this the shirt you called me down from studying to see?

Mm-hmm.

Because I could have seen that from my room.

Come on, Lydia, you know what the ladies like.

Now, tell me what you think.

Because the salesman, Lance, said it made me look sassy.

You sure he didn't say sissy?

You know, he might have, but I couldn't hear him

over all that Donna Summer music.

Now, tell me what you think, seriously.

- How do I look? - Hmm. Give me a spin.

Okay, you got it. Look at that, look at that.

Ooh, Lord, stop.

I feel like I'm back at Studio 54.

No, no, see, mama, that's it. I'm not going on this date.

This was a stupid idea right up there with my old Jerry Curl.

First of all, nothing was as stupid as your old Jerry Curl.

Second, you're going on a date

even if I have to take you myself.

Oh, God, it's my prom all over again.

Anthony, baby, the last six months have been terrible

for you, and I'm talking Whitney Houston terrible.

Now, you are going on this date. You deserve it.

Mama, I don't even know what to wear.

I don't even know what to say.

Hey, well, let's practice.

- What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.

Anthony, we're always rehearsing your lines for your auditions

so why don't we rehearse for your date?

Okay, now, pretend you just asked me out.

- Mm-hmm. - My name is Coco.

Oh, okay.

I'm an assistant principal

and I strip at night to put my kid through school.

Ah-ah-ah, you are not going out with that woman.

Now, honey, your name might be Coco

but you're the church organist

and ain't nobody seen you naked but God.

Okay, so where are we going on our big date?

Welcome to Flo's place.

Sorry, but the only table we have left

is next to the kitchen.

That's because I'm black, ain't it?

See, that's what I'm talking about.

They always put a brother next to the kitchen.

What are you complaining for? Open the kitchen door.

That's where my people are working.

Now, let's sit down and get to the small talk.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

So what's your opening line?

I don't know.

So you think the car is safe where we left it?

Anthony, come on. Ask me about my interests.

Okay. So, Coco, how long have you been stripping?

You know what?

There's something to be said for a long, meaningful silence.

If you can keep your mouth shut long enough

to hit it off with this girl, you just remember

no glub, no love.

Mama, we ain't talking about sex.

I mean, you had me confused enough when I was 12.

Hell, remember, we both started crying.

Anthony, it's a different world out there

not like the '70s when we was freaking everywhere.

Please, mama, I don't want to hear about you

and The Temptations again.

All I'm saying is one of them was almost your daddy.

Well, there goes my study break.

Oh, Anthony, good luck on your date

if the shirt doesn't get you beat up on the way there.

There goes my favorite doctor on her way to hit the books.

Oh, by the way, Lydia.

Mm-hmm, what's hurting you now?

Well, since you asked, my back.

I get this sharp pain if I sit too long.

Then get up.

Hey, Lydia, have you seen my dad?

I want him to watch "Shrek" with me.

Oh, yeah, Tuga, he's in the kitchen

getting ready for his big date.

Big date?

Oh, and put some sunglasses on

before you see the shirt.

Uh, Tuga, go get your videotape.

Pop-pop will watch "Shrek" with you.

Eddie Murphy is a donkey.

Why has the brother got to be the ass?

Hey, pa.. Oh, hey, Tuga.

You know, I was just coming up to you, man.

Hey, um, I'm heading out to meet a friend

and I'll be back to tuck you in, okay?

Give me a big hug.

Are you going on a date?

No, where did you hear I was going on a date?

Lydia told me.

Uh, no, Tuga, it's not a-

You can't go on a date, you can't!

Oh, no, son, it's just...

What happens when mama comes home?

I guess Eddie Murphy ain't the only ass, huh?

[upbeat music]

[knocking] Hey, come on, Tuga, man.

You gotta come out. We gotta talk about this.

(Tuga) 'Go away!'

Come on, Tuga, come on.

Come out and talk to your dad, man.

You know what? I'm not going out tonight, Tuga.

You know what? Hey, open up the door.

Look, the date shirt's coming off.

Come on, son.

Anthony, what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

That boy in there thinks his mama's still coming back.

Well, how could that be?

You told Tuga what was going on, didn't you?

Where does he think she's been for the last six months?

- Anthony? - You know..

(both) What was that?

On vacation.

Oh, Lord.

Look, I tried to tell Tuga what was going on

that Sherry had taken off, but he just didn't get it.

So finally he said, "You mean like a vacation?"

What the hell? He's six years old. Let's go with that.

I can't believe this. Boy, what were you thinking?

I was thinking I was giving my son a little hope, okay?

And how do we know it's not the truth?

Sherry didn't say she was never coming home.

I mean, maybe she is. We don't know.

- Anthony.. - I said we don't know!

Yes, we do know.

Now, you haven't heard a word from that woman in six months.

You don't even know where she is.

Baby, I know this is hard for you to hear, but it's a fact.

And that little boy in there is confused enough.

He deserves to know the truth.

I've got to get him out of the bathroom first, mama.

Tuga, come on out, please.

What did we do when Anthony locked himself in his room?

Pour gravy under the door and make it sound like a meatloaf.

You know what? I'm gonna go get his Gameboy.

And for your information, meatloaf is a silent food.

Baby, give me a minute here.

I'm going to see if I can talk to this boy.

Okay, Joe, but be gentle.

Tough love didn't work too good on the big one.

Tuga?

Tuga?

- Tuga? - 'What?'

Open the door, boy, it's pop-pop.

'No.'

[keys jingling]

- Tuga. - I want privacy.

I'll remind you that when you're grown up

and I move in to your house.

You're pretty upset with your dad right now, aren't you?

You think if he goes out on a date tonight

your mom's going to be upset when she gets back from..

- Where does she go again? - Disneyland.

Great. He even ruined that place for you.

Listen, Tuga, there's going to be a lot of things

that your dad does that get you upset

but you can't lock yourself in the bathroom each time.

Sucks if that was the case. I'd be living in here.

But it's his fault mom went away.

Why do you say that?

You always say it's his fault when anything bad happens.

Most of the times it is.

But not this time.

Tuga, your dad did everything he could to convince your mom

not to go on her vacation.

He really loves you.

He even moved you out here so you could be with us

even if it meant dealing with me.

So what do you say?

Why don't you go talk to him?

Do I have to?

Yeah, Tuga, that's what family is.

Talking to people you don't like.

Oh, hey, son.

I was just about to bring this up to you.

You okay?

I don't know.

Come on. You feel like talking?

Hey.

[grunts]

Man, look how big you are.

You know, sometimes I forget that

and I still talk to you like you're a little boy.

But now I have to talk to you man to man.

Okay.

Remember that time you came home from school

and mommy was gone and you went out for ice cream?

Are you going to cry again?

Probably.

Anyway, I-I told you that mom went on vacation

but that wasn't really the truth.

I think I knew that.

Even I couldn't stay at Disneyland this long.

So, where'd she go?

I really don't know, son.

But your mom, she really did love you.

It's just that

she wasn't too happy when we were back in New York.

And then it got too hard for her to take care of us

so she went away to take care of herself.

You think she'll ever come back?

I don't think so.

Hey, it's okay, but I'm here, man

and I'm not going anywhere, okay?

So, what do you say we sit here and we watch "Shrek?"

You know, we can call grandma and pop-pop and Lydia.

What about your date?

Yeah, I think I'll skip that.

But you already got all smelly for it.

You really want me to go?

You're not getting any younger.

Okay.

Well, maybe I'll call my friend

and tell her I'll meet her later.

Because right now, I'm about to watch "Shrek"

with my main man.

[both laughing]

Are you going to do the donkey's voice?

Of course I am. I'm going to show you

how it should have been done.

Dad, did mom have long hair or short hair?

I can't remember anymore.

You know what, son?

There's a picture of your mother holding you

when you were just a little baby.

Now you keep that. That way you never forget, okay?

Okay. I want to go get grandma and grandpa.

Alright.

Oh, good. You're still here.

- Okay, put this on. - Hey, what's this?

Your only chance for a second date.

Where'd you get it?

My mom sent it to me in a care package.

I guess she mixed it up with my brother's

so he's probably walking around Detroit somewhere

in a skirt and a tube top.

Detroit? Tube top?

[scoffs] Somebody turned your brother out.

[upbeat music]

So after four years of marriage, he leaves me

for a 20-year-old yoga instructor.

Oh, well, my wife just left.

Apparently nothing is better than me.

I see you're still wearing your wedding ring.

Not by choice.

I had some short ribs for lunch today. Kind of stuck.

I guess I had the short ribs too.

So you think the car is safe where we left it?

[no audio]

[instrumental music]

? If I were the sun way up there ?

? I'd glow with love most everywhere ?

? I'll be the moon when the sun goes down ?

? Just to let you know that I'm still around ?

? That's how strong my love is ?

? Whoa ?

? That's how strong my love is ?

? That's how strong my love is baby baby ?

? That's how strong my love is ?

? I'll be the weeping willow ?

? Drowning in my tears ?

? And you can go swimming when you are here ?

? And I'll be the rainbow after the tears are gone ?

? Wrap you in my colors and keep you warm ?

? That's how strong my love is darlin' ?

? That's how strong my love is baby ?

? That's how strong my love is ?

? Whoa ?

? That's how strong my love is ??

[theme music]

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