Original subtitles

Hey, hey, hey! Is anybody still here?

(male 1) 'Yeah, we're done for the day. You can start cleaning.'

I'm not the damn janitor! I'm an actor!

Anthony Anderson, uh, I'm here to audition

for the role of the janitor.

Hey, look, I'm sorry I'm late.

It's just that I had to pick my boy up

from his first day of school.

Tuga, come here.

Look hungry.

Just a little joke. He eats.

(male #1) 'Well, as long as you're here, why don't you'

'turn to page 14 in the script?'

Yeah! Yeah, alright!

Uh, once again, I'm-I'm sorry I'm late.

It's just, it's just been one of those days.

It's been one of those weeks, man.

You know, my lady, she left me and it just got too tough

raising my son in New York on my own.

So, you know, we moved back to LA.

We're crashing with my folks.

Sounds a lot less pathetic if I say, crashing.

[chuckles] But it's not so bad.

They were really happy to see me.

Come on, pops, you gotta let me in.

I'm your flesh and blood.

I know you're at home. I can hear Judge Joe Brown on the TV.

[light switches off]

I got your grandson out here. You can't do this to us.

Oopsie.

? They say the apple don't fall too far from the tree ?

? Whoever came up with that one must have not heard about me ?

? Papa used to say he couldn't understand ?

? Mama must have been spending time with the milkman ?

? But in one.. ?

? They've rubbed off the other ?

? I just step my step day by day ?

? They can't stop a brother ??

[upbeat music]

My babies are home. My babies are home.

- Sweet potato pie for two. - Mm, mm, mm.

- Thank you, mama. - What's wrong with you?

You feed the bear, it'll never leave the camp.

Joe, stop it.

Hey, pop. Ha-ha. You look good, man. Been working out?

No, but I've been looking for something to hit.

Okay, me and pops are caught up.

Grandma, this is good pie. I like it here.

Keep the cub, shoot the bear.

Joe, it's just temporary.

Temporary?

Flo, look at all these bags.

This 250-pound boomerang is back for good.

Thanks for noticing, pops, you know

I have lost a little weight.

Yeah, well, look behind you. You'll find it.

Listen, as long as you're home

why don't you come on down to the barbershop, son

and I can teach you how to cut hair and shave.

Oh, pops. You know I don't want to work at the shop, man.

Hey, man, I'm an actor.

And being an actor is a 24-hour-a-day gig.

Well, I hope you ain't looking to get none of my 9-to-5 money.

He has talent, Joe. He just needs our support now.

Talent? Flo, you saw that play he did down at the church?

Even the Lord fell asleep.

Listen up, actor-boy-pretend-man.

You got a son now. It's time you started thinking about him.

Tuga, sweetie, why don't you

take your bag up to the guest room?

- I want to hear. - Oh, you will. You will.

Pops, I am thinking of my son.

Why do you think I brought him 3000 miles?

And boomerang gonna be eating up all my pie.

I couldn't afford daycare and I didn't want him

coming home to an empty house, mama.

Using up all my toilet paper. Just all my paper.

And I thought it would be nice for him to be

surrounded by a loving, supportive family.

And there goes bare-ass Sundays.

Thank you, Jesus.

Okay, I'm going up to my old room and look at my poster

of Janet Jackson to get bare-ass Sundays out of my head.

- Uh, not so fast. - Why not?

(Tuga) 'Daddy, there's a strange lady in your bed.'

- What? - You see, honey, we had to--

Oh, Flo, please, baby, let me explain it to him.

This is the most enjoyment I'mma have all day.

- We rented out your room. - You what?

To a doctor.

She's a real sweet girl, baby.

We met her when we took your father

in for a little procedure.

Yeah, I get one boil taking off my butt

and a bigger one shows up.

Well, your baby boil wants his room back, pops.

Come on, man, kick this gal out.

- She's paying rent. - Mama?

Sorry, baby, mama need bingo money.

Besides, I like having a doctor in the house.

What if I come down with a kidney stone

in the middle of the night?

What you gonna do, a number from "The Wiz?"

[laughs]

So where am I supposed to sleep?

Hey, what are you doing here, little man?

I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.

My room's too dark and grandpa hid all the toilet paper.

Oh, well.

Let me see if I can help you out here, okay?

Tuga.

You do know why we had to move back here, right?

To confuse the bill collectors?

Besides that.

I mean, you know how important acting is to me, right?

I mean, now that we're here with grandma and grandpa

I'll be able to go on my auditions

and you'll have a family around you.

Just remember, we're in this together, alright?

- You're my dude with the tude. - You're my dad with no pad.

[upbeat music]

(Joe) 'Come on now, Flo. We gonna be late for work.'

(Flo) 'I want to check on my baby.'

Hey, how'd you sleep, sugar?

Oh, well, once the carbon monoxide kicked in

I was out like a baby.

Hey, pops, could we please move this car?

I mean, I can't share a room with something

this big and white.

Last night, I had a nightmare.

I was run over by Anna Nicole Smith.

Oh.

Well, slow your roll, boy.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, touches Aretha.

I had this car longer than I had you.

Matter of fact, it wasn't for that backseat

and Curtis Mayfield playing on that 8-track

heh, you wouldn't be here.

Now, come on, Flo. We gonna be late for the bus.

- Okay. - Hey, hey, pops.

Why aren't you taking the car?

Does it look like Sunday?

- Are we dressed for church? - Hey.

- Come on, woman. Shake it. - Oh. Wait.

Anthony, I left you some pancakes inside.

We're taking Tuga down to the shop to show him off.

- Here. - Oh, no, no.

Mama, you've already done enough.

I thought you might say that.

- Same old deal? - You got it.

[upbeat music]

(Lydia) 'Oh.'

Hey, Flo, great pancakes.

I've got an exam in biochem today and..

Whoa.

You're not Flo.

But you sure make those pumps work.

I'm Anthony. First you take my room.

And now you're taking my pancakes.

Oh, Anthony. That's right, the son. Oh.

Lydia Serrano, future M.D.

Listen, I heard about why you moved back home.

Your mom told me about your marriage breaking up.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I should say Sherry couldn't handle

taking care of one kid.

- Let alone two. - Hmm.

You sure that had nothing to do with you wearing women's shoes?

Oh, this? No, no, no, no.

You see, me and my mama, we have the same size foot.

She pays me 20 bucks to break her shoes in.

Size 13, triple E.

Her heart's as big as her instep. Ha-ha.

Uh, Listen, I'm sorry I ate all your pancakes.

I'm going on two-hour sleep and 14 cups of coffee.

This med school is killing me.

Well, when will you be dead? 'Cause I want my room back.

Your mom said you had a great sense of humor.

She also said, that you're trying to be an actor.

Hey, I'm not trying to be an actor, okay?

I am an actor.

Would I've seen you in anything? I don't know.

TV, film?

Okay, I'm trying to be an actor. Hey, but..

You know, this business is so hard.

You want to talk about hard?

Try going to med school and working

part-time for your parents.

I mean, I don't even know if I'm going to be a good doctor.

I can't imagine telling someone they're going to die.

All you have a stage fright.

That used to happen to me all the time.

You know what? Tell me I'm dying.

Excuse me?

The only way to get rid of the butterflies, is to practice.

And Lord knows, if you're going to work at the county hospital

heh, you're going to need to practice.

- Um, what are you doing? - Shh!

- Becoming Mrs. Ortega. - Who?

Your patient.

I'm an 82-year-old woman whose lifetime of drinking

and smoking did caught up to her.

Hola, Dr. Lydia. Como estas?

Muy bien. Gracias. Um.

[speaking in Spanish]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, America, okay?

Como esta? Is all I got.

Alright, now let's do this again.

Do you have my test results?

I prayed last night.

Yes, well, you see, actually, um

your white blood count is extremely high.

And, um, you, uh..

- Breathe. Just breathe. - Okay. Uh.

Your prognosis is terminal.

I'd say you have six months to a year.

Hey, that wasn't so bad.

Ay dios m�o. Why?

Why, God, why can't Dr. Lydia save me?

[imitates crying]

And scene! Ha-ha.

You did it! You did it, but the joke's on you.

Because Mrs. Ortega, she ain't got no health insurance.

Actually, the joke's on her.

She's only got three months to live. I was acting.

Oh, you're good.

[pager beeping] Oh, oh, oh. Hey, hey.

- Oh, it's me. It's me. - Oh, good.

I was afraid it was the student loan people.

Yes! Yes, it's an audition!

Only back in town two days and I already have an audition.

My first step to independence.

Look, I can finally show my father

that I can make it on my own.

I don't need anybody's help.

You wouldn't mind giving a brother a ride now, would you?

? Trying to hold back this feeling for so long ?

? And if you feel like I feel baby then c'mon ?

? Oh come on ?

? Whoo let's get it on ?

? Ah baby ??

Baby, baby, baby, look at them edges.

Somebody got their freak on last night, huh?

I sure hope he was worth it

'cause you damn near got a fro.

Hey, everybody!

- Hi, Anthony! - Hi, Anthony!

- Charlie, you still work here? - What?

Well, they can't fire me. I got seniority.

- They can't fire me. - Alright.

Daddy, grandpa let me cut hair and I made five dollars in tips.

That's three dollars more than your daddy made all last year.

But all that may soon change, old man.

For your information, I came down here

to tell my partner in crime

that daddy got a big audition today.

Way to go, dad!

I got an audition! I got an audition!

Break a dance for me! Break a dance!

Ha-ha. Break a dance, son! It's a happy dance!

[both laugh]

Is it a movie?

My son gonna be in a movie!

No, no, no, no, mama. It's a TV commercial.

Oh, a TV commercial. My son gonna be on TV!

No, actually, mama, it's just an audition.

I'm not screaming that.

Hey, Kim, check out my line.

Ooh, I'm on fire down there.

What are you selling, homie?

New and improved Preparation H.

With a hint of lavender. He-he-he.

Hey, mama, make me pretty. I'm gonna get this job.

Forty grand for college

you're gonna end up a poster boy for butt cream.

Ha, ha, ha, ha! Real funny, pops.

Ha, ha, ha, ha! He better hope he never needs a kidney.

Ooh, I'm on fire down there.

Oh. Yeah, you go it.

Ooh, I'm on fire down there?

[telephone rings]

Hello? Oh, hey, Lydia, what's up? Where are you?

No, no, no, no, you're my ride. My audition's in 20 minutes.

Hey, you can watch a liver transplant anytime.

Hell, I know a brother who can get you a liver.

Hello?

Now, what I supposed to do?

Yo, Joe, I walked, I walked by your place

and the garage door was open.

- Aretha's gone. - What?

Flo, call 9-1-1.

Call 'em. Somebody just stole my baby.

[upbeat music]

Ha-ha, Tuga, little man. Hey, I got the part.

Yeah, my first TV commercial. Hoo-hoo.

Hey, I'm on my way to the studio to shoot it right now.

They said, "I was bootylicious."

[laughs]

Yeah, son, they were white.

[siren blaring] Damn, that's a lot of cops.

Oh, some poor brother's in trouble.

[upbeat music]

Don't you go slamming doors in my house.

Two hours in rush hour traffic

just to bail your butt out of jail.

You're the one that had me arrested, pops.

Yeah, and as soon as I found out

it was you, I dropped the charges.

You left me sitting in the cell for six hours, man.

Look at his face.

How long you think I was gonna stay single?

Well, I couldn't just close up the shop.

I have responsibilities, Anthony.

See, unlike some people, I have a job.

I got a job today.

And thanks to you, I lost it.

You care more about some boarder

just because she's gonna be a doctor.

Hey, listen to me, Anthony. Listen to me.

It's better to fail and move on, son

than to spend your whole life failing.

Well, I'm sorry, if I'm such a failure, pops.

I'm sorry, if I'm not doing something

meaningful with my life, like cutting hair.

Hey, let me tell you something, boy.

Cutting hair, put food on this table.

Cutting hair, put you through college.

You just don't get it, do you, man?

You never wanted to be anything.

Oh, I never wanted to be anything, huh?

Well, I had a dream too, Anthony.

You think cutting hair was my dream?

I had a dream too, son.

I'm walking as slow as I can here.

Ain't you gonna ask me what my damn dream was?

What?

To be a painter.

What, like houses?

No, dummy.

Like an artist.

Every day I'd pack up all my paintings

and I'd set up outside the museum

and I'd wait for an art critic to come by.

So what happened?

An art critic came by.

So your granddaddy, my father..

...gave me a job cutting heads.

Son, come on down to the shop.

It's time you face reality.

Pops, the reality is I'm an actor.

You ain't no damn actor.

Now, he's an actor.

She's an actor.

That kangaroo is an actor.

Where you acting?

Where am I acting?

I went to this fair once, they had this big old punk

giving anybody two bucks who'd stand a round with him.

So I sashay in that ring like a real something.

Jab, jab, woof!

And he bowls them against the backside of that tit

and wham, blam, down she come!

I ain't letting go.

When you're ready for it.

I'll be standing in this ring singing at all of you.

Here I is.

Here I is.

Take it!

Take it!

Take it!

You ain't no James Earl Jones.

I give up. I'm through fighting with you, man.

Oh, geez, there's more?

No, pops, this is me talking.

Your son.

You know, maybe you're right.

Maybe, I need to start thinking more about my son.

You win, pops.

I'm gonna give up acting.

Alright. Now, you're talking!

And I will be at the barbershop first thing Monday morning

and I will cut hair for the next 60 years

never knowing what I could have been

because that's how we do things in this house.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I got some packing to do.

Packing?

Oh, yeah.

Now, that I got me a permanent job

I'm gonna do the responsible thing

and find me and Tuga our own apartment.

Because I don't want my son being raised around you.

So you're just quitting?

No, son, I'm not quitting.

I'm setting an example.

As a quitter?

No. I'm doing this for you.

Dad, I'm okay living here.

Just do what you came here to do.

Leave grandpa to me. These dimples are magic.

Tuga, sweetie, I want to talk to your daddy.

Go easy on him. He's had a tough day.

Oh.

I heard what happened.

Come here, baby.

Yes.

What is your problem?

Mama, watch your rings.

I'm gonna work at the barbershop.

I'm not gonna be an actor.

I'm not gonna buy my mama a house next to Denzel.

Mama, maybe pops is right.

I'm 30 years old. What have I accomplished?

I believe what you accomplished just walked out that door.

Now, you're a good daddy.

I guess it skips a generation.

Now, you go easy on your father, Anthony.

He had a dream, too.

I know, mama. He wanted to be a painter.

Painter? Please.

Did you see what that man did to my dad?

[sighs] Listen, baby.

Ever since you were a little boy, your daddy's dream

was for you to cut hair right next to him.

He even had an Anderson & Sons sign made up.

Baby, it's hard for him to let that go.

But your daddy loves you.

Here.

What's this?

My theater reviews.

He kept them from every play you've ever been in.

Real nice how he highlighted all the bad ones.

[chuckles]

Hug and then hurt. That's your daddy.

[vocalizing]

That's when I fell off the stage.

[laughs]

Okay, come on now.

- Wasting time. - Alright.

[indistinct]

Okay, it's-it's you, right? Tinted..

Listen, Tuga seems to like it here.

I'm gonna keep doing my acting thing.

But I can come down and work at the shop

maybe one or two days a week.

- Three. - Two.

- Three. - Two.

Damn. Those dimples, they're magical.

[hip-hop music]

? Ow ??

[theme music]

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