Original subtitles

To pluck or not to pluck, that is the question.

No body hair? Minimal body hair?

Should be like a totally personal choice, right?

No, it's a stigma - a crime - especially in young girls.

But we all buy into it - the creams, the razors, the wax strips,

the threading.

Time for the big guns.

Full Brazilian, mini Brazilian, Brazilian North, Brazilian

South, Brazilian total body - and that's just my search history page!

We're black, we're mousey, we're blonde, we're straight,

we're curly, we're ginger... We're dirty blonde - and rude!

We're one thing at home and another in school.

We're whoever we need to be to fit in. To blend in.

But when can we ever just be ourselves?

So, this, oh, my best beloved, is a story - a new and wonderful

story - a story quite different from other stories - my story,

of how the invisible girl child came to be seen - first by you.

And hopefully, later, by them.

You know, you going to be OK here.

I'm sure I will, Auntie.

Any problems, you come straight to me.

Y'know. Cos I am like staff huh. OK. So. Listen.

Everything that happen in Manchester, stay in Manchester.

I promise. I'll do my best for you, Auntie.

OK. Good!

By forcing me to remove my jewellery,

this school is guilty of taking part in an act of repression

in alliance with a Masonic Pakistani Patriarchal Society.

The alliteration "Pakistani Patriarchal"

is particularly effective - if somewhat clumsy.

In the box, please.

Nose piercing, as well.

Pick them up after school, thank you.

You all right? Oh, my God - where are your piercings!

Didn't you get any done?

No.

Mum wouldn't let me get my nose pierced - said it made me

look too foreign. Oh, my God!

Gypsies?

What the hell is going on here?! No! No!

Stop! You can't do this! Sling your hook!!

What do you think you are playing at? You are on a horse.

This is a "Direct Action".

The council have closed our permanent site,

so we're going to be stopping here with you, on your school.

Then take your fight to the council - not us.

I've got a school to run - now do one -

otherwise I'll be forced to take a "direct action".

There's not a lot you can do.

I could call the authorities - Lorraine - Where is she?

I'm here...

Hold on a minute, Lorraine, just check sections 61

and 62 of the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act of 1994.

And whilst you're at it, look up the Equality Act of 2010.

So, you'll find you don't have a leg to stand on.

You see, the police can't do owt because it's a civil offence

and not a criminal offence.

Just you listen to me...

Also, section 62 of the act allows a senior police officer to

direct a person off land, only if there is

an alternative pitch or relevant campsite.

How about you get off that horse

because you are not wearing a helmet, you are on school grounds.

That's health and safety.

That's my law.

We'll be registering today as well.

It's that or the social services'll put us in care.

Ain't happening - we're fully booked.

Only a couple of weeks.

Official, like - then I'll get myself expelled

and be lost in the system.

Not going to happen.

No!

They have just as much right to be here in this school as I have.

Not now, Fizza - I am in conflab...

All kids, irrespective of colour, creed -

Or body ornamentation -

Or body ornamentation - have the right to an education.

We don't need you to defend us.

Erm...

..sorry, I'm just showing solidarity? No such word.

I'm an activist!

We don't need outsiders.

Skenning Emma, Mr Evershed.

I know you wanted to introduce a new regime to the school

but this is taking the biscuit - Where's this lot come from?

HE CLEARS THROAT

Because I'm sure we can accommodate allcomers.

We can?

Diversity and inclusivity is what Ackley Bridge

and the Valley Trust is about.

Give it a couple of weeks and we'll palm them off onto other schools.

Share the burden. You can't do that.

Hey.

Think about the funding bump next year.

Pupil premiums - come on down! We hit all the demographics.

We got the whites, we got the Asians - now we got the ...psies.

Hey, let's get this paperwork finished.

I feel a press release coming on! Ker-ching...

What's he got that I haven't?

White skin.

I threatened his male privilege.

You think? Maybe they don't understand our ways.

You know - like untouched tribes in the Amazon.

You saying that I was patronising?

You did have your save-the-whale voice on.

Sorry... hope I'm not disturbing you.

I just wanted to say sorry about earlier.

Y'know...

with my friend? Fizza? She was just trying to help you -

With what?

Everything really - she loves a good cause -

not that I'm saying you're a cause - or even if you had a cause -

which I'm sure would be a good one if, you know, if you had one -

Oh, my God - I love horses.

She's so cute.

What's her name? Bandit.

Hello, Bandit, hi, my name's Marina

and I've come to ask your daddy to a party - yes, a very exclusive one.

Bring a friend. Or a few.

You can come too, Bandit.

I used to have a toy rocking horse with a long bushy tail like this.

I used to spend hours plaiting it up in...

HORSE DEFECATES

Well if you weren't full of wind before - you are now.

Shut it, Mowgli. Is that necessary?

Oh, my God! Racist, that, innit?!

MOVE!

You look better without the septum ring, anyway -

made you look a bit piggy.

Nice piggy, though. Ahh, thanks.

Oh, my God!

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

She looks like a werewolf!

What is it? Nothing.

Come on, let's just leave it...let's go.

Fair dos, Kayla - yeah, respect.

I've got excessive nostril hair.

Oi...

How could you do this to her?

Just need the right camera angle.

Yeah, how's that!

My phone!

So report me! Go on!

Consider yourself uninvited to my party...

Wow, that guy's got serious anger-management issues.

Pick it up.

Kayla! Are you OK?

'Course I'm not.

I'm the school joke!

No, you're not.

The more I wax, the thicker it comes back - they're even on my bum now!

How am I supposed to see to shave my bum?

OK. Can I just stop you there, Kay,

cause I've actually got Johnny standing right here with me.

Oh!

Why did you do that to me?

To teach you a lesson.

So next time you get in my face - with your smart gob -

you'll think twice before showing off. I wasn't doing anything.

You don't have to... you just being there is enough.

Why do you hate me so much?

Cos you get on my nerves, cos every time you walk in a room, all

my friends turn and look at me cos your brown and me and mum aren't!

Hey! Hey! Hey! What going on!

Stop it!

She started it! It were her.

I didn't raise you to be a racist.

What are those for?

I have to go and stay with your Aunt Kate, while she's having her chemo.

Are we coming?

You can't very well come with all that going on, can you?

You're both going to go and stay with your dad, Kayla.

Me dad! No. No.

I'm not staying with him. And I'm not, either.

So I'll go stay with my Dad.

Don't you think I asked? He's not available.

So you both are just going to have to get your heads round it.

Now, get upstairs and pack a couple of bags.

SHE SHRIEKS

Isn't my life hard enough as it is?

You're just making it worse sending us there!

Hiya, Dad...

Marina. Mr Afzal.

Salaam alaikum.

Hi, you all right...?

God! Not even your own lot like you. Your dad looked dead embarrassed.

He didn't. That house smells of curry.

The bed smells of curry. And the food smells of curry!

That's because it is curry!

Oh, you think you're so funny, don't you?

Well, you weren't laughing when your big, hairy, freak body

was exposed to the world! That shut you up, didn't it?

You had to get your gypsy boyfriend to come and stick up for you! What?

Oh, yeah. Like you didn't know.

You tell him this from me, all right? Next time he threatens or

touches anything of mine, I am going straight to the police!

He's about all a hairy freak of nature like you can get.

That one.

LAUGHTER

Go on. Pay the lady, Saleem. Let it ride.

Again? You're cleaning me out.

Let it ride.

CROWD: Ooh!

You are a scammer.

Takes one to know one.

This could be the start of a beautiful relationship.

I'm a lesbian. Ooh!

I like a challenge.

Greetings to you all...

I come in peace.

Erm...

I just wanted to say thank you for...

And, just so you know, there was some Photoshop chicanery...

And, as you can see for yourself, I am not that hairy.

Admittedly, I do have body hair, but not

unlike any pubescent girl of my age.

You know, puberty is a natural thing for boys and girls, you know...

Our bodies change. We, erm... We smell different.

Boys, like you, get bigger and taller and much...

..wider across the chest.

Girls' nipples get bigger.

WHINNYING

Anyway...

..I thank you for your hospitality.

Farewell...

..to you.

SHE MOUTHS TO HERSELF

Hey.

Look. There's Marinas in every school I've been in, yeah?

If they're weren't picking on you, it'd be one of us.

I couldn't even get on the bus this morning. Me!

I haven't missed a day in years.

Well, I can, erm...

I can walk you in, if you like?

Yeah.

Come on.

Hi, Chewbacca!

LAUGHTER

You ready?

Come on.

They were cheating!

I want my money back! If you can't pay, you can give us a snog.

Listen, I promise I won't tell anyone. Problem?

This gorger wants a snog cos I can't pay. Come on!

I'm not Harvey Weinstein! It was just a joke, OK?

We don't joke about things like that.

GASPING

That were uncalled for, thug!

Well, nobody said anything when he broke my phone!

Up you get. Get off! You just hit me, you head-case!

Stop whining, eh? Shake and make up.

Be a man. Right. I don't want to hear any excuses.

You're in Resolve.

That's racial profiling!

You too, Trotsky. In fact, you, you,

and you. No, but I'm the good one!

So... Tell it to the judge!

What's bloody going on? Huh?

Gambling is against the school rules.

Mum, it was... Chup!

At school you call me Mrs Paracha.

Hiding a chana in cups?

And you, Tahir, I'm very surprised at you.

I thought you were a good boy.

KNOCKING Hey. No. No, no.

Sam has something she wants to say to you, Kaneez.

Mrs Paracha. You what?

In school she wants to be called... Chup!

They're mine.

The cup game's mine.

I got Tahir to run it for me. Saleem.

Saleem to run it for me.

Yeah, they're hers. She gave them to me.

And remember she was a bad influence on our Nas as well, Mum...

Uh, Mrs Paracha.

They were lesbians together. Ah! Chup! Chup!

BELL RINGS

Thanks for that. So, er,

have you been invited to Marina's party tonight? Yeah.

Can I come with you? No.

I'll cry. Still no.

Ah, now am I late or are you early?

No, I'm early. Thought I'd pop in and get my bearings back.

Come on. It's not been that long.

Oh, it feels like a very long time, believe me.

Right, well, we can talk about handing it all back to you.

Because after the start to term I've had, you are welcome to it.

Right. Yes. That's what I need to talk to you about.

Cos, erm, I'm not coming back.

Well, not as Head, anyway.

Come on.

Perfecting your circus act?

PHONE BUZZES

That'll be your phone breaking the rules of school and Resolve.

Can I just say, Kayla,

as a woman with no little experience in these matters,

"We are, who we are"?

And you are of a very hirsute race...

Uh, I hope by that, you mean human race, Miss Carp?

Asian women don't have a monopoly of androgenic hair.

Oh. Andro-what?

Body hair has no geographical borders and neither does ignorance,

as you've just proved with that ill-informed,

badly judged statement.

I think you'll find that men may feel very differently.

I don't care what men want. It's my body.

If it were up to men we'd be shaved, shackled and shoved indoors.

Just offering a bit of succour.

You all right, Kay? No. I'm not.

Now, everyone has an opinion on body hair they want to share with me.

You need to nip these things in the bud. Punching them, like you do?

I were defending my sister's honour. Defending your own, more like.

We share the same honour.

Family, friends - it's worth defending.

I'm not that sort of girl. All right, I'm a blender. I blend in.

If you blend in, no-one notices.

Didn't work for you yesterday.

It's not that simple. Marina doesn't hate me, she just...

Doing a pretty good impression!

Nah. It's about other things. You know, being half Pakistani,

she hates that I can understand... Oh, for God's sake, Kayla.

Will you just grow up? Look, this is unacceptable!

You just let her walk all over you and it's got to stop.

Only you can stop it. Punch her lights out!

Mm. No, no. We're not resorting to violence.

All right. We've got to be smarter than that.

Look, I've got... I've got an idea, but you've got to trust me.

Do you trust me?

It depends. Right, look.

You've got to put this Kardashian wannabe in her place.

All right? And it will only work if you take centre stage.

Look, I'll be with you the whole way, all right?

Yeah.

Right?

Revenge is a dish best served hairy!

We've got a party to crash.

Want to see how it's done properly, Mouth Almighty?

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

COMPLAINING Somebody sort the music out!

Go away, you stupid, little girl!

BOOING Off, off, off!

I think she's going to speak!

Hello!

Just thought I'd bring a little, light entertainment to your evening.

Hope you don't mind, but there was some things left

unsaid the other day.

It may have been muffled by my moustache.

GENTLE LAUGHTER

I say moustache, but it's actually more like a very low monobrow.

LAUGHTER

I can laugh at myself, right? But not everyone can,

and we need to be kinder about that.

Especially those closest to us.

Marina, I may be a different colour to you, hairier than you,

as you pointed out on my fundraiser page.

Raised 25 quid, by the way. Bought myself an electric tweezer set.

The "Quicka-Plucka-Sucka". Yeah, thanks for that.

But I'm still your sister.

And what can be funny can be hurtful as well.

So, come on! This is 2021, people!

We've all got something odd or quirky we don't like

about our bodies, which is nothing to be ashamed of.

In fact, let's celebrate our individuality.

This is me. Take it or leave it.

♪ I'm too sexy for my love

♪ Too sexy for my love

♪ Love's going to leave me... ♪

CHEERING

Can we agree to be nicer to each other?

I have hairy toes.

Love them!

And so it came to pass, oh, best beloved,

that, me, the girl child, was never really lost,

just too scared to see who I was.

We all need courage to step out of the shadows,

but we forget our friends are there to help us do that.

No more hairy school girl or Marina's dodgy Pakistani

half-sister or Fizza's kooky friend.

Only me from now on...

..Kayla.

And I like me.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media