Original subtitles

[ Dance music plays ]

RUKHSANA: Everybody in Ackley Bridge thinks

they know everybody else's business.

-They don't know nothing. -[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Group groans, camera shutter clicking ]

[ Group "ohhs" ]

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

* 'Cause I gotta make you work for it *

* I've been dropping bombs all day long *

Ooh!

-Ah! -[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Lock disengages ]

[ Door closes, woman speaking indistinctly on TV ]

You'll get square eyes sitting that close to TV, innit?

Did you remember to heat up the dinner Yusef left?

Sorry, beti.

[ Sighs ]

Are you alright?

[ Door opens, closes ]

You alright, bruv?

Hanifa, go upstairs.

[ Cellphone beeping ]

You know how many people sent me this?

I dunno. Five?

You were supposed to be at rugby practice.

I was! This was, like, after.

Team building, innit?

What was I supposed to do -- not go?

Not embarrass me by slagging it up.

And you weren't wearing your headscarf.

Don't act like you care whether I wear my headscarf or not.

Aren't you bothered that you're showing us up?

At least we gave everyone something to talk about.

How'd you pay for it?

[ Scoffs ]

You are so selfish!

Lying, stealing. Baba would be ashamed of you.

This is nothing to do with Baba! Don't you dare bring him up!

Maybe you should think about him next time

you decide to make a show of yourself.

You're the one he'd be ashamed of.

Throwing your weight around,

acting like the big man.

You're just a pathetic loser.

-Ruky... -I hate you!

SUE: Ms. Oakes in her wisdom has decided it would be a good idea

to learn a bit more about each other's cultures through food.

So, today, we're doing...

Polish.

'Cause of you, I assume.

I thought all Poles just ate pickled food,

-but apparently not. -[ Young woman chuckles ]

Can we do Greek Cypriot one week?

Why would we wanna do that?

'Cause that's my heritage, you know.

-Halloumi and that. -As long as it's halal, miss.

'Cause we ain't cooking it if it ain't halal.

Well, Rukhsana,

that's not very culturally sensitive, is it?

Not everything revolves around your lot, you know.

So we're going to be making Polish-style doughnuts,

known as p-- pa--

pac-zis.

That's disgusting.

First, you make us cook food that ain't halal.

Then you call us the "P" word.

-I did nothing of the sort! -You all heard her, innit?

-TOGETHER: Yeah. -Tell them, Pawel.

The word is "paczki."

-And that's what I said. -No, it ain't.

Shut up, Ruky. We just wanna make doughnuts.

Oh, Gordon Ramsay has something to say in the corner.

Well, come on, then, big man.

You may not care that our teacher's racist,

-but I do! -YOUNG MAN: [ Laughing ] Ohh!

-[ Alarm blaring ] -[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Blaring continues, indistinct shouting ]

LORRAINE: C'mon! Pick those feet up.

If you move this slow during a real fire, you won't make it.

The drill's over, Ms. Bird.

Another lesson wasted.

LORRAINE: Come on! Move! Now!

Don't smirk at me! Just move!

HAYLEY: Do you really think I could be the team mascot?

CHLOE: That's a cheerleader, not a mascot, you div.

Your bum looks amazing in them trousers.

You'll get excluded for speaking to a staff member like that.

I don't know. Ms. Bird didn't seem to mind it earlier.

LORRAINE: Come on! Come on! Quickly now!

Usual place tonight?

I'll meet you at 5:00.

-Boys. -Big lad.

-Boys. -Everyone's talking about it.

-JAKE: "Hunt a Munter" King! -Are you okay?

-DAN: She was so easy. -Candice?

CORY: I can't believe you did it.

Honestly, she was almost too easy.

-Know what I mean? -Watch out!

DAN: Aah!

YOUNG MAN: What happened?

I'll give you munter.

Oh, Candice!

-[ Indistinct conversations ] -Oh!

SIAN: Can we call an ambulance?!

-DAN: My arm. -Can you please stand back?

-Everyone stand back! -DAN: Miss, my arm!

SIAN: Did you deliberately push Dan, Candice?

I dunno. I might've done.

I can't remember.

This is serious, Candice.

It looks like his arm's broken.

What made you do it?

Felt like it.

So you're saying you attacked him for no reason?

MARTIN: Candice?

Are you sure that's what happened?

Said it was, didn't I?

Right.

We are going to place you in the Internal Exclusion Unit

at Copsewood High for a week.

Give you time to reflect on your behavior.

And count yourself lucky we're not calling the police.

CANDICE: [ Sighs ]

Ms. Carp has left a message for your mother again.

Tell me, what's going on in the head?

Nothing.

I know I'm great fun, but not even my own daughters

want to spend this much time with me.

You can talk to me, you know.

That's what I here for.

"Student Support."

Thank you.

Thanks.

Candice? Why are you not in school?

Everything alright?

Do you want it? Go on.

I thought he liked me.

But it was just a joke.

Dan just wanted to show off to Cory and the lads.

Candice.

CANDICE: They set up a WhatsApp group,

and they took a picture of us kissing

and sent it 'round to everybody.

With...

With "Hunt a Munter" written all over it.

I should have known.

'Cause that's all I ever am, innit?

Just the butt of a joke.

Candice, you have got so much going for you.

You have. You're kind, and you're funny, and...

I know you're brave, 'cause it's scary enough

having a baby as a grown-up.

CANDICE: [ Voice breaking ] But I know what people think of me

and what they say about me.

[ Sniffles ]

"Oh, stupid Candice got herself knocked up."

And now this.

Where's that Murgatroyd spirit gone? Eh? Eh?

You gonna let a group of silly little boys

decide what you're worth? No.

'Cause you are better than that, Candice.

I'm gonna talk to Ms. Oakes and get you back to school.

What are you doing with my stuff?

Me and Adeel are taking you to Leicester.

You're gonna stay with Uncle Hassan.

-He'll sort you out. -You can't do this.

-ADEEL: Yeah, we can. -Ummi won't let you.

It's my decision. Not Ummi's.

Well, I'm not going.

You can't make me.

What else am I supposed to do with you, Rukhsana?

I can't deal with you.

RUKHSANA: Yusef!

Uh, sorry to bother you. [ Chuckles ]

I'm Kaneez Paracha from Ackley Bridge College.

I'm the Student Support Officer.

I just want to speak to Rukhsana's mother.

Now's not a good time, I'm afraid, Auntie.

-Oh. -They're sending me away.

-To Leicester. -YUSEF: It's for her own good.

That school obviously can't manage her.

Well, no, that why I'm here.

We can work together

and find a solution that will suit everybody.

This is the best thing for everyone.

-Now, if you don't mind... -KANEEZ: No.

I'm just trying to help her.

So is Uncle in Leicester, Auntie.

Okay. Alright.

YUSEF: Leicester's much worse than Ackley Bridge.

It will be a fresh start for you, Rukhsana. It will.

Ruky!

[ Knocking ]

Ruky?

-Ta-da! -[ Gasps ]

Is this what I think it is? Wedding invite?

Ohh!

You must be so excited.

Yeah, we can't wait.

Aww! It's to me and Oliver.

-SIAN: Yeah, of course. -Aww. That's nice.

Not many people want kids at their wedding, do they?

But he is very well behaved.

There'll be no knee slides across the dance floor

during the first dance.

Well, not from him, anyway.

I bet one baby feels like a walk in the park

compared to the hundreds of reprobates

you have to look after at that school.

Yeah, you'd think.

I, uh, --I bumped into Candice Murgatroyd earlier.

Well, speaking of reprobates...

What, is she the one that, uh...

Broke another student's arm? Yes.

Oh, don't go all bleeding-heart liberal on me, Mand.

She could've killed him.

MANDY: You know why she did it, don't you?

Dan pulled her for a joke.

It was part of some "Hunt a Munter" competition

between him and Cory Wilson and the rest of the gang.

I mean, as if Cory's not been cruel enough to her as it is.

Leaving her to bring Jamie up on her own

with practically no help at all.

I just -- I just felt a bit sorry for her. That's all.

MARTIN: Denigrating women isn't funny.

You're sixth formers.

In a few months, you're gonna be out there in the real world

as adults, and this kind of behavior will not wash.

Why are we getting told off?

She broke his arm, and she's back already.

Candice has been suitably punished.

As will all of you.

After-school detentions for the next week.

Cory, stay behind, please.

Mr. Evershed, could you go ahead and set up the next meeting?

Yeah. Sure.

[ Door closes ]

How could you do something so disgusting?

-CORY: I didn't. -To the mother of your child?

I didn't.

I swear.

I haven't posted in that group in weeks.

Not since we...

I barely even speak to that lot, and you know that.

I don't wanna let something this stupid ruin what we have.

What do you think you're doing?!

I know. Not here.

I'm sorry.

I-I just, like...

well, couldn't help myself.

No.

I mean, we can't do this anymore.

No.

Look, you don't mean that.

Like, see, what we have, yeah, is...

It's special.

I know you feel it, too.

It's wrong.

You're still a kid.

It's over, Cory.

[ Door slams ]

RUKHSANA: Did anyone ask about me today?

SPUD: No. Nothing.

What?

Yusef will be worried.

Are you dumb?

He tried to pack me off to Leicester.

Have you ever been to Leicester?

It's full of roadmen, innit?

-Like Jamie Vardy? -What?

Footballers aren't roadmen, idiot.

I can't go home.

Well, what about your mum?

Won't she be worried?

She doesn't even know what day of the week it is

most of the time.

Not since Dad...

Look, if I go to Leicester,

we'll never see each other again.

-Do you want that? -No.

So you have to keep me here.

-What, like, forever? -RUKHSANA: No.

Just till I figure out a way to get back at Yusef.

If he wants to mess with my life, I'm gonna mess with his.

-[ Door opens, closes ] -Ruky, the door.

Quick. Get under the bed.

Hey. Still awake, Spuddy?

Yeah.

-DEBBIE: Everything alright? -Yeah. Why? What have you heard?

DEBBIE: Just asking, Spuddy.

SPUD: Ah. Right.

DEBBIE: How was school today?

Uh, alright.

There's, um -- There's some Polish doughnuts in the kitchen

for you, if you want.

That sounds fantastic.

Oh, my clever girl.

Okay, bubs. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

[ Laughs ] Night-night.

SPUD: Night.

I can't believe you got into his phone.

That picture...

RUKHSANA: [ Whispering ] I know, bro.

Yusef's gonna be bare angry.

Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.

Look, I'll go by myself if you're too scared.

SPUD: [ Sighs ]

Come on. Hurry up.

Alright.

I got a stitch. Just, look...

Oh, Jesus, I can't.

-Look, I'm coming. -Get a move on.

That's Yusef's boss.

We just have to wait till he goes.

KANEEZ: Is your brother in?

Brushed your teeth?

Yeah.

YUSEF: Let me smell.

Go on. Quickly.

KANEEZ: I'm sorry. I...

Uh, I just wanted to, you know...

check Rukhsana got to Leicester okay.

I should let the school know.

Yeah, yeah, she did.

Oh.

Teenagers. [ Chuckles ]

They think they know it all.

You know, sometimes you feel

like you're just the only one, you know, finding it hard.

But you're not. Huh?

We'll be alright, Auntie.

I've gotta get going.

-Gotta get to work. -Okay.

[ Chuckles ]

Oi!

Get away -- now!

Obviously that class isn't blessed

in the brains department,

but at least with Rukhsana not there,

I might actually be able to teach them something.

You know my son is in this class?

Yeah. Well, then,

you're more than familiar with his limitations.

NAVEED: Hey up!

If you're not careful, the wind'll change,

and your face'll stay like that.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, my God!

[ Laughs ]

Sorry.

Were an accident.

[ Laughs ]

It's not funny.

It is.

You totally still fancy her.

That's why you're being all mopey.

-I'm not being mopey. -Mm-hmm.

-Mm. -I'm not.

-Mm... -I'm not. I ju--

Do you know what? I just need, like, a night out or something.

A distraction from the monotony that is my life.

NAVEED: Mm-hmm.

Oi, Spud, Spud. Come here.

[ Young women laughing ]

Isn't this Ruky's brother?

[ Chuckles ] It totally is.

They're up all over town. You do know that, yeah?

-CHLOE: It's so funny. -No, it's not.

It weren't funny when it happened to Candice.

It's not funny just 'cause he's a boy.

[ Tapping ]

Too late. I seen already.

Show me.

Show me!

[ Door opens, closes ]

Wash your hands. Get ready for dinner.

I don't know whether to hit you or hug you.

Nice to know you weren't worried about me.

These were you, I take it?

Yeah. Jokes, innit?

Make you think twice before taking naked pictures

of yourself.

It's not normal, bro.

Why? Huh?

Why would you do that?

Humiliate me in front of everyone!

You threw me in a car and tried to take me to Leicester!

I mean, if you wanna get rid of me, at least do it properly

and send me to Pakistan, innit?

-Where did you even get 'em? -[ Scoffs ]

Your cloud password is "password," bro.

You're so stupid.

YUSEF: [ Sniffles, sighs ]

Do you think I want any of this?

Do you think I enjoy it?

I've been doing everything I can to keep us going, Rukhsana,

and all you do is push and push

and make things 100 times worse than they need to be.

Why do you always blame everything on me?

Because you're a living nightmare!

I've been sacked.

Your little prank?

They sacked me.

I'm hanging on by a thread here.

What do you mean?

I can't do this anymore.

You make my life hell.

HANIFA: Yusef?

[ Door opens ]

RUKHSANA: Where are you going?

Come on. It was just a joke.

I'll tell your boss. Sort it out.

You don't have to leave.

Yusef!

It's proper chill without him.

I wish he'd left months ago.

Rukhsana? Huh?

Evidently Leicester didn't want you either.

Couldn't cope without seeing my favorite teacher,

Ms. Carp, every day, innit?

You listen to me. You know where I am if you need --

-I know, I know. -SUE: Mrs. Paracha.

What a weirdo.

What?

Hey.

YOUNG MAN: Here he comes.

YOUNG MAN #2: Hayley's gone mad at him.

What's he doing? Under the thumb, bro?

He's making up for what he done to Candice.

Like you should be.

What, by carrying a tray?

By proving he can be respectful to women!

YOUNG MAN: Oh!

-[ Imitates whip cracking ] -[ Young man laughs ]

Do you think I should invite Sam?

Oh, yeah. Just what every night out needs --

-a Murgatroyd. -[ Laughs ]

NASREEN: Hey!

SAM: [ Chuckles ]

Me and Naveed are organizing a night out, and, um...

I would really like it if you could come.

Because we're friends.

It's, like -- It's what friends do.

Well, I'm pretty busy, so I'll have to see.

Yeah. Cool.

-Cool. -Cool.

SAM: Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

HASSAN: Alright, girls. Sumo squats, yeah?

This way.

Go.

Hey up. Good to see you back, Rukhsana banana.

'Cause we've got a big match coming up.

Yeah, well, panic's over.

Star player's back now, innit?

Um, we're a team. There are no star players.

Oi, I saw your brother on the estate last night.

Lucky you.

Shacked up with Dirty Donna.

-Donna loves his doner, eh? -[ Laughter ]

HASSAN: Hey, Shannon! Less of that, please.

SHANNON: Well, it's true!

[ "It Was Over Before It Even Began" plays ]

* It was over before it even began *

* You know, I really thought... *

-I'm sorry I'm late. -MRS. WRIGHT: We tried to call.

If anyone other than Yusef is going to collect the girls,

we need to be informed.

Well, I'm informing you now --

I'll be picking them up from now on.

* Eye to eye *

* The time has come to say goodbye *

* I never found all the words *

* To tell you *

* How much I need you in my life *

* I had faith in you *

* But even that was not enough *

* To keep you *

WOMEN: * To keep you *

WOMAN: * It was over before it even began *

* Yeah *

[ Indistinct conversation ]

MARTIN: Home time!

-Ho ho! -LORRAINE: Home time!

Shut the door!

* I know you never meant *

-* To hurt me * -[ Laughter ]

* Ohh *

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-Thanks. -How many glasses?

Uh, yeah, I think three will be fine.

HASSAN: I mean, he was that shook up

that he kicked the imam and ran away.

-What?! Kicked him?! -[ Laughing ] Yeah.

-LORRAINE: Was it Heinz? -[ Laughter ]

MARTIN: Was it Heinz? We don't know. Was it Heinz?

-We've got to know that. -I'm scared of clowns.

[ Laughter ]

HASSAN: No, but it's not a funny story.

-It actually happened, man. -LORRAINE: Okay.

-HASSAN: Yeah. -MARTIN: Yeah, yeah.

-[ Indistinct conversation ] -LORRAINE: Why did he sound off?

Oh.

Room for a little one?

He's got a cracking anecdote

about mayonnaise if you're interested.

HASSAN: My mate's got a phobia of mayonnaise.

Oh, you don't have to tell it again. Really.

Seriously. She's had a long week at work.

Just leave her alone, alright?

* When I see you *

* Standing right *

* In front of me *

* There is nothing *

* I could hide *

Really made him work for that forgiveness.

How could I stay mad at this little face?

-CHLOE: Ugh! -* Burning wild *

* Burning wide *

* I need some deep-down love *

* Deep-down love *

* Come on, come on *

-* Come on * -Naveed?

Bro?

Welcome to losers' corner.

This is your big night, isn't it?

-You should be out having fun. -Mm.

It's hard to have fun when the one person you want here isn't.

* I need a deep-down love *

* Deep-down love *

* Come on, come on *

* Come on *

WOMAN: [ Laughing ]

Oop!

HASSAN: Bye, mate.

MARTIN: Cheers, mate.

Uh, bye, Ms. Oakes.

Uh, Sian. Sian.

-See you later, man. -See you later.

Make sure you get a taxi, yeah?

HASSAN: Yeah, will do.

Alright? Too much to drink?

-I should've eaten. -We've all been there.

I'm pleased you came.

Makes you seem more, uh...

-human. -[ Chuckles ]

Please don't sack me for saying that.

Am I a [Sighs]

Am I a bad person?

What?

No. 'Course you're not.

Alright, you might be a bit of an ice queen

and a little bit of a lightweight,

but that's exactly a crime, is it?

The Ice Queen. Right.

No offense. It's just the whole uber-professional thing.

You could probably just maybe relax a little bit,

and no one would judge you.

Listen, I better get back inside

because Lorraine is on the Sambucas.

SIAN: [ Laughs ]

See you in a bit.

Cheers, Martin.

[ Sighs ]

[ Stone thuds ]

SAM: You break it, you're paying for it.

I have been waiting for you at that club for hours!

No, you haven't.

You've got enough friends to hang out with.

Come on.

Come on, Sam.

It's not the same without you.

-I can't. -You're just so stubborn!

No, I really can't.

I've got a proper strict curfew here.

-Sneak out, then. -[ Scoffs ]

Go on.

You're not too chicken, are you?

Okay.

[ Laughs ]

Careful!

[ Gasps ]

[ Both scream ]

[ Both laugh ]

It's not funny.

How am I supposed to get back in?

Well, you're just gonna have to spend the night with me, then,

aren't you? [ Laughs ]

You're mad. If they catch us...

They won't. And, besides, it's your motorbike.

It's part of you. You know, it's like

when men's cars are an extension of their personality.

-Come on. -Wait.

Is that a compliment or a cuss? Nas!

Quickly, just get the motorbike.

Can you just not -- Can we just go...

[ Gasps ] That's the sheep.

-Oh, my God! -[ Sheep bleating ]

Oh, my God! Get back!

Oh! I don't want it to come near me!

-[ Sheep bleats ] -SAM: Oh, no!

NASREEN: Oh, my God! Go back in the gate!

Oh, my God, Nas! Help!

NASREEN: No way am I gonna help!

Nas! Help! Help me!

-[ Sheep bleating ] -Nas!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Door opens ]

Go! Go! Go!

-Quick, pass me... -Shove it on your head!

Oi! You think you can get away with this?!

Come on, get her! Go on!

-YOUNG MAN: Oi! -CANDICE: Go on, Sam!

YOUNG MAN: Oi! Hurry up!

-[ Laughing ] -What?

You got played by a sheep!

[ Laughs ]

Honestly, you should have seen your face when it ran out.

[ Laughs ]

I like it when you're like this.

It's been awhile.

Why did you want me to come out so badly?

Because I've missed you.

Don't say it unless you mean it.

Do you know what, Sam?

These past few months, I've felt like a jigsaw puzzle.

You know, with all the pieces missing.

But, slowly, I'm starting to find them again...

...and put them all in the right places.

Alright, sweetheart?

What do you want?

LINDA: You're four months behind with your rent.

Pack up and get out.

You haven't been paying the rent?!

It was your dad's job. And then Yusef's.

It's always someone else's job, isn't it?!

Why can't you just be normal, Ummi?!

[ Sobs ] I'm sorry, beti.

Don't answer the door to anyone.

No matter how much they knock.

[ Sheep bleating ]

You must be Donna.

I need to speak to Yusef.

How'd you know I was here?

You're not exactly MI5, bro.

Feel good, does it?

Abandoning your family for a gora?

She's my girlfriend.

Yours and half the estate's.

Don't talk about her like that.

Ever since Baba died, I've had everyone on my back

all the time.

-Donna actually listens. -All this time,

you've been having a go at me for everything I do,

when, actually, you were the haram one all along!

No one tells you how to do this stuff, Rukhsana.

How to be the man of the house.

I'm 19! I should be allowed to get stuff wrong.

We're being thrown out of the house.

You knew it were going to happen, didn't you?

I tried to stay on top of it all,

but when I lost my job...

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

For everything.

It's no wonder you hate me.

I don't hate you.

Look, if you come home, things will be different. I swear.

Ruky...

RUKHSANA: I promise. I'll be a different person.

Please, Yusef. Please come home.

I can't do any of this without you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Your hair needs a wash.

Can I have some examples of hyperbolic sentences, please?

-What does that even mean? -Anyone?

Anyone at all? Okay.

I'll start one off for you.

"This lesson is so bad, it makes me want to..."

"Makes me what to..." Anyone?

Anyone at all? No?

Rukhsana, this is your area of expertise.

Exaggeration.

MARTIN: Yes. Kacey.

-Pull me own eyes out. -[ Laughter ]

Okay, good.

Um, not good if it were true, obviously, but yes.

Good example. Now I want you to all try and write

some hyperbolic sentences of your own, alright?

Kacey. Yes?

Ms. Carp's so ugly, her face makes her mum cry.

[ Laughter ]

I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, alright?

Come on. Write them down.

Hyperbolic sentences.

Exaggerate.

If you're gonna have a go at me for missing detention...

I made a mistake.

You do feel it, too, don't you?

I do.

I feel it.

[ Woman speaking indistinctly on TV ]

KANEEZ: Eh, look. It's nice, innit?

She's supporting her sister.

Yeah, well, it ain't gonna help much anyways.

We've got no chance without Rukhsana on the team.

Ah, you've got to have the faith.

It's like what that Boy George say.

George Michael.

I thought they were both the same person.

No, two different person.

Huh. Who knew?

-Mum? -Hmm?

You know I was making that poster for Raz?

Well, I wasn't just making it for Raz.

I was kinda making it for Sam, too.

We're back together.

Not long ago, you're crying on floor about that girl.

Yeah, I know that, but...

...I love her, Mum.

I do.

After all the sadness, if that's what makes you really happy...

...then who am I to stand in the way? Huh?

Be happy.

Yeah! Yeah!

SPUD: I don't understand why you can't play.

You know what, Ruky? A few weeks ago,

you would've just jumped on Coach and come

to the rugby tournament, with or without permission.

Yeah, well...

What's wrong with you? God, you're being so weird.

I mean, first, the whole hoejabi thing...

You can't say that!

But that's what you call yourself.

Yeah, I can say it.

When you say, it's racist. Alright?

Right. Well, sorry.

You're being...

You're kind of being, um...

...boring.

Ruky, wait.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Door closes ]

Oh, Rukhsana.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Spud says I'm boring 'cause I'm not going to the rugby!

Huh?

I'm just doing what everyone wants,

and now no one likes me!

That's not true.

I like you.

They say this thing

"all work and no play make Rukhsana a dull girl".

Would it be such a bad if you come to the rugby?

Why doesn't anyone get it?

I can't!

Why?

I just can't.

The coach is waiting, Kaneez!

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello. Hello.

This is Kaneez Paracha,

I am the Student Support Officer

at Ackley Bridge College.

Yusef?

I think it is very necessary for you to know something,

um, about today.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Horn honks ]

RUKHSANA: What you doing here?

I was supposed to be picking up the girls.

Mrs. Paracha called.

We thought you could do with an afternoon off.

Come on, get in quick. We still might make it.

[ Engine starts ]

[ All shouting ]

They're forgetting she got the dyspraxia.

She's doing her best!

I knew you still fancied her.

So it's back on then?

What, uh -- what happened to your tap dancer?

[ Chuckles ] He's gone back to drama school

and didn't fancy a long distance thing.

[ Screams ]

[ Grunts ]

That is your girlfriend.

Yeah, too right, it is.

Do you want me to fix you up with some one?

Nah, I'm doing alright.

With a wife, you know?

Honestly. I'm doing alright.

[ Crowd clapping ]

You've got a girlfriend?

I knew it!

I knew that's why you been acting weird for a reason.

She's why you left the group chat, innit?

Do I know her?

Nah.

I do, don't I?

Come on, man, don't be embarrassed.

Who is it?

[ Crowd shouting ]

Swear you won't say anything?

Oh, come on. Of course.

[ Whispering indistinctly ]

[ Laughs ]

Mate!

[ Laughs ]

Quality.

Come on.

[ Crowd cheering ]

You came.

Yeah, well, I knew you would lose without me, innit?

Look, I'm sorry I called you boring.

Um, we are all going bowling again to, um --

Not to celebrate, but you know?

Do you -- Do you wanna come?

I'll pick you up later.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ All shouting ]

[ Pins clatter ]

[ All cheering ]

[ Up-tempo music continues ]

* Ooh, ooh *

* Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh *

* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh *

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

YOUSEF: I've been sent a video of you.

Getting a strike.

Proper sportswoman, aren't you?

Didn't you know?

I am the next Wayne Rooney, me.

Yeah, you do look a bit like him.