Original subtitles

[ Cockney accent ] Salaam! Salaam! Salaam!

Gentlemen and burkas!

They are burkas, I take it, and not pet sea lions!

Oops.

Don't want to be caught with no sea lions

around here, mister.

Oh, no!

Come closer, and I'll tell you a little secret.

'Round here, the truth's funny, see?

The truth is painful! The truth is I...

...I'm in love with my best friend.

Yeah!

In love, I am.

Hearts and violins, the lot.

And no burkas involved, if you get my drift, dearie.

Ha ha! Ha ha!

CORY: Naveed. Naveed.

Naveed!

[ Snapping fingers ]

Hey! I thought you were telling us a joke.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, the problem with India and Pakistan being in the World Cup

is every time they get a corner, they open a shop!

[ Both chuckle ]

It is crap. It's just not funny.

-CORY: Your dad laughed. -He laughs at anything.

And this is anything.

The Pakistani stuff's funny when it's real.

RIZ: What part of Pakistan are you from?

[ Pakistani accent ] Village Tholan, bro, eh?

PO box Bhadana!

Tehsil Gujar Khan, eh? Oh...

Ah! Nav...

Don't, mate, all right? Just don't.

It's like you're...

It's like you're always holding something back.

It works when you're truthful.

-See you later. -In a bit.

Truth is...

...I'm in love with you.

"Aye, aye!"

You've got everything it takes

to get into a good university, Naveed.

You just need to avoid distractions.

SADIA: Hmm.

Comedy, ice skating...

Comedy on ice. You might have summat there, Mum.

He's trying to help us,

and you're making these stupid jokes.

I've never had to come to school before.

-What is wrong with you? -Nothing.

We used to be able to talk about everything,

when you did your ice skating.

And now all you do is just grunt.

[ Sighs ]

NASREEN: [ Squeals ]

[ Smooches ]

I didn't think you were gonna come.

SAM: Snogging in the teachers' bog? Try and keep me out.

NASREEN: [ Giggles ]

Oh ho ho ho ho!

-Stop pulling you bloody face! -I'm not.

And it's "your" bloody face, not "you."

Not me what?

-[ Horn honking ] -Not you anything.

What you bloody talking 'bout?

Talking "about."

You asked me to correct your English.

I asked you to give me bloody driving lesson.

I got my test soon, huh?

RASHID: That's good.

Yes, that's excellent.

Oh, listen, um, I've been invited

to my university reunion tomorrow.

I wasn't gonna go, but if you came with me...

Why you think I want to meet your friends, eh?

They're posh, eh, now? They speak a-good English?

They make me feel stupid.

It's not just that, though, is it?

Hmm?

Ask Emma. She good with that.

I'm not having a relationship with Emma!

You not having one with me too.

Fine. Ah, forget it.

Forget it.

-I'm a-stopping now. -Right.

And it's "You're not having one with me either."

But thanks for that.

That's the closest you've come to giving me a definitive answer

on where I actually stand in your life.

So thank you. Thank you.

And that's your house, and this is my car, so...

SADIA: You and Nasreen,

did you behave differently with each other

when you were alone together?

I haven't...

Look, what are you saying?

I saw Nasreen being

sexual with a girl today.

Being a lesbian.

Did you just hear what I said?

Yeah.

Did you not think there's anything wrong with her?

No.

Nothing?

No. Nothing like that.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Just as shocked as you.

You don't sound it, Naveed.

I am.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Naveed.

I didn't even think.

But do you know what? It...

I-I mean, she doesn't know anything about you.

-It's me that she saw. -She's not daft, Nas.

She put two and two together.

Can't you just tell her it were a joke or something?

Listen, puttar,I didn't know nothing about her before.

So I don't think your mother know anything.

What if she does?

Then we worry about that when it happen, eh, now?

And you remember, come here always, huh?

For anything.

Morning.

-Emma. -Yeah?

Are you doing anything tonight?

No, nothing important. I...

I would like to invite you to my university reunion.

Oh. I-I...

Not, uh, you know, with amorous intent, so to speak.

Oh, it's the only reason I'd come.

[ Both chuckle ]

You'd be doing me an enormous favor.

Uh, it's all right if you don't. I'll understand.

-No. I didn't say no. -Didn't say no to what?

A night on the tiles.

Just you two?

-I'd be delighted. -Oh!

Well, it's black-tie, and I'll send you the details.

-I'll brush off me ball gown. -[ Chuckles ]

Can I come?

-Uh... -J-Just kidding.

You coming to Hayley's party?

Of course. It's not every day your girlfriend turns 16.

-[ Laughs ] -Great.

-You're coming, aren't you? -Wouldn't miss it.

KANEEZ: Oh. Huh?

The reunion -- Emma's gonna come.

Oh.

Unless you've changed your mind? Because I'd prefer it be you.

-No, I told you. -Please, Kaneez.

No, it'd be like that "University Challenge."

I just have to hear that bloody music, I feel stupid.

Go with Emma.

Hey!

Hey.

So you're off out with the nutty professor tonight?

Oh, yeah, it's black-tie and all the works.

Might even treat myself to a new frock.

You should. You deserve it.

You know, I think I do.

-Might meet my Prince Charming. -Yeah.

Got to be careful, though, at these reunions.

Everyone's a bit, you know...

No, I don't know.

Well, they all start feeling youthful again, you know?

And before you know it, they're all like...

And you're looking good.

You know, you got your posh dress on,

you got your hair done up,

and you're looking good and -- and that...

Well [Clears throat] enough said.

Have a nice night.

Thanks.

Gentlemen and burkas, this is it!

[ Heavy breathing]

What are you doing?

Looking at this.

Why you watching this? And I want the truth.

Your engagement was a lie, wasn't it?

-You knew about her, didn't you? -You shouldn't be in here.

You're one too, aren't you?!

Answer me! Say it!

You're one of them disgusting things.

God can see your sins! He can see what you do!

[ Door opens, slams ]

[ Sniffles ]

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ Both laugh ]

[ Up-tempo pop music playing in distance]

♪ I can't stop, oh, thinking of you, baby♪

♪ I want you here, I'm missing you♪

♪ I can't stop♪

♪ No, I can't do without you, baby♪

♪ The only one for me to hold♪

You all right, bro?

-You still got your uniform on. -Haven't been home.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

-What's the strongest? -Here you are, mate.

♪ I like it when you hold me♪

Cory's looking well fit!

Oh, he's got chlamydia written all over him!

Oh, well, she can do one 'cause tonight

Shannon the Cannon's gonna have a go!

[ Cheering ]

Move.

[ Cheering ]

Not bad.

Have one.

Did you invite the Murgatroyds?

No, I didn't.

I'm gonna go find the toilet.

I'm gonna go find the toilet.

♪ Are you coming home?♪

♪ Because I'm missing you♪

[ Indistinct talking ]

No, thanks.

Oh, my God. Hi!

If it isn't the most eligible boy in Lahore.

Meesha?

Rashy! Give me a hug, you big bear!

[ Laughs ]

-Oh! When did you get here? -I flew in last night.

-And Stefan? -All gone, darling.

I didn't mind so much that he was fond of my money.

It's just he grew overly attached to the maid.

And we don't do the help, dear, do we?

[ Clears throat, laughs ]

Not still single are we, Rashy?

Well, uh, as a matter of fact, no.

Uh -- Uh, this is Emma, my, uh, partner.

Emma, this is Dr. Meesha Peerzada

of Peerzada Biogenics in Geneva.

Wow! Hello.

Meesha's an old friend from Lahore,

and we went to university together.

Don't be so coy, Rashy.

We were a little more than friends, Emma.

Oh, really?

Now here I am again, footloose and fancy free,

and he has you.

Yeah.

-Shall we go in? -Yes, yes.

Emma, I'm so sorry. They're all married.

-Shall we? Partner? -Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch the decks, man. Calm down!

That's why you kids shouldn't drink.

Whoa, bro, what are you doing?

[ Music continues]

Nav, man. Did you not get me messages, bro?

-No. -I got us a gig!

At me cousin's pub. A proper stand-up night!

Wow, comedy! Just what I need. Ha ha ha!

You know, it's the real thing, like.

They've got scouts from "Britain's Got Talent"

looking for acts!

The only act I've got is me! One big act!

More booze!

[ Cheering ]

[ Laughs ]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Nasreen Paracha, the only lesbian in the ghetto!

-Naveed! -Discovered again.

Twice in one week.

Not very good at this closet business, are you?

-Oi, shut it! -Oh, pardon my manners.

If it isn't Fraäulein Hitler!

-How's your Uncle Adolf? -Stop! Stop!

Typical Nazi -- Attack you when you least expect it.

-NASREEN: Stop it! -Oh, get off me!

You've done enough.

They know.

Not just about you. About me as well. Everything.

Oh, my God. Naveed, I did not mean for that to happen.

No.

You should have stuck a banner up

saying, "Naveed's a big homo too."

-Oi! Back off. -Don't worry. I get the hint.

Two's company,

three's a sham marriage.

-Whoa! -Whoa!

-What you doing?! -Naveed!

-You've been making a nuisance! -Whoa! Right, you're out!

Riz, Cory! Get him out now!

Get him out!

CORY: Get the bin! Riz, get the bin!

♪ Na na na na♪

♪ Na na na na♪

♪ Na na na na♪

♪ Na na na na♪

♪ Na na na na♪

♪ Na na na na♪

♪ Na na na na♪

♪ Na na na na♪

You're not happy. I can tell.

You noticed.

I'm from Lahore, darling. We notice everything.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

It's, uh, Emma. I'm not being honest. She...

Has no feelings for you whatsoever?

Trust me, I know that look.

[ Up-tempo pop music playing in distance]

What is it?

I'm gay.

Parents found out.

So?

[ Voice breaking ] I'm scared.

I don't know what to do.

It's what I wanted.

But now it's -- it's changed everything.

I thought -- I thought once it was out, it'd be all right.

You know? But...

I'm more scared now than I was before.

-At least it's out now. -Mate, you don't get it.

I felt safe behind the lies.

Pretending I was -- I was normal.

Pretending that I'd get married.

Pretending that...

Pretending it was all right.

I don't know what I want.

I'm sick of it.

I can't do it anymore.

Bro, you...

You've got friends.

You've got me.

My mum said I was disgusting.

[ Sobs ]

Kaneez?

Kaneez!

Oh, my God! You look amazing!

Wow! I mean, not that you don't normally look amazing, but wow.

Oh, thank you. Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Rashid? Ohh.

Yes, Kaneez, yes!

Well, you get in there!

Listen, I've got to go, but call me.

Yeah, I want to know everything.

KANEEZ: Okay.

It seems as if your bird has flown.

Yeah, probably, uh --

probably needed an early night or something.

Darling, who are you in love with?

I know that look, Rashy.

I've been flirting with you outrageously all night,

which you've completely ignored, and it definitely isn't Emma.

I am in love with someone.

I haven't...

I haven't felt like this about anyone else before.

But I don't think she needs me as much as I need her.

♪ I can be what you want me to be tonight♪

♪ And I can feel what you want me to feel tonight♪

[ Both laughing ]

-You all right? -Yeah, I'm good.

Are youall right?

Oh, mate.

How bad were I at the party?

Off the scales, mate. Off the scales.

[ Laughs ] I always aim high.

So how's about this gig, then?

Well, I don't feel very funny at the moment.

Could you be?

By, like, Saturday?

I may have just gone ahead and booked it.

Oh, w-why?!

It's too good of an opportunity.

Mate, I am in the middle of an out-of-the-closet burnout!

I've been made homeless,

and he wants me to be funny on Saturday!

[ Laughing ]

Hey, where we going?

Back to mine, I guess.

You sure?

Yeah, place is empty.

Jordan's still in care, and me dad's, you know...

Just me.

Yeah.

Besides...

...bit of company might be nice.

Race you there.

Man, you don't even know where you're going!

I've been hoping for a rematch.

Oh! [ Laughs ] Sounds like you've been practicing.

Well, yeah, as much as you can on your own.

Not saying that I were...

Well, maybe, a little bit, after "News at Ten."

What's the rest of your game plan like?

Well, fluidity is the key to success.

I couldn't agree more.

[ Exhales sharply ]

You know, attack, defend, support.

Is it all sports-based?

No, with you it's something different.

Oh, what's that, then?

I just want to be me.

Well, that's all you need.

Whoo!

Have you got anything?

-What? -A condom!

Haven't you got any?

No.

Well, are you going to garage?

No!

-Do you want the light on? -Aah! [ Gasping ]

What are you doing here?

-It's my bedroom. -Not that.

I mean, I thought you were sleeping at Hayley's tonight.

Clearly.

What you doing?

Thought I heard something.

Sorry if I ruined your night.

No, it's all right. We're done.

I mean, he's up early in the morning, and, um...

So you weren't looking for that, and I quote,

"just-in-case condoms" you left in that box last year?

Bit irresponsible of you, isn't it, Mum?

Stealing my just-in-case condoms?

I mean, whose fault would it be if I ended up pregnant?

All right! You can come off your moral high ground.

I'm sorry. I messed up.

Anyway, where areyours?

Had a few just-in-case moments.

Besides, I've got an implant now.

Much safer.

You've got what?!

Can't rely on men. As you've just found out.

Well, go on, then, introduce him.

Oh, Chloe.

It's not just about getting pregnant.

You must use a condom.

And I want to meet him.

Come sit down if you want.

No, I'm good. I'm gonna...

Come on, man. Just have a little chat an' that.

I've never had a mate like you.

What, that tried to snog you?

[ Snorts ]

I mean, I was gonna say "that makes me laugh,"

but, well, yeah.

That as well.

Uh...

You being my friend...

...means a lot to me.

Me too.

I'm sorry about...

...that.

You know, I went -- I went a bit too far.

I shouldn't have...

[ Exhales sharply ]

You didn't.

It made me feel

like somebody actually cared.

Like someone really cared.

-[ Stifled laughing ] -And...

Are you laughing?

No.

Why are you laughing?

[ Laughing ]

Nav, man, come on!

I've just sat here and poured me heart out to you,

and you're throwing it back in me face!

-I'm going to bed. -No, you're not.

-No, you're apologizing. -I'm going to bed.

-No, apologize now. -For what?

For that. That was a moment then!

-What? Mate, I'm going to bed. -No, you're not!

[ Laughter ]

Come on, then, you little ice-skater boy.

Little ice skater? Little ice skater.

-WOMAN: Careful there, lads. -MAN: Yeah, you should get down.

BOY: No, we're not getting down!

We'll shoot you.

[ Both chuckle ]

[ Mid-tempo instrumental plays ]

Excuse me, people!

Whoo!

Hey, watch where you're going, Clint.

Here. Right, hop off.

Ah, hop off, hop off. Hey!

Hey, you. You dark horse.

How did the reunion go?

That how it go.

God, it's like a field of ravens here, darling.

Emma! Sweetie, how are you?

Hope I didn't keep Rashy out too late.

Didn't banish him from the marital bed, did you?

EMMA: Oh, no, I was sparko by the time he got back.

Wasn't I, dear?

[ Laughing nervously ] Yeah, mm!

Um, Meesha, this is Kaneez Paracha.

Kaneez is a member of our -- our kitchen team.

Kaneez, Dr. Peerzada has very kindly agreed

to talk to our students

about her experience as a microbiologist.

[ Speaking native language ]

Yes.

Spotted dick.

Meesha, why don't I show you my classroom?

Yeah.

Naveed. Naveed, come here, please.

I need to talk to you.

Sorry.

I just want to say I'm really, really sorry.

No, no, no. Look at me. I'm fine.

Yeah?

I slept with Cory.

-No, no, no. -I know.

Like, I couldn't believe it.

[ Laughs ]

One minute my life's falling apart, and the next...

Look at me.

[ Laughs ]

-Okay. -What?

Um... [ Laughs ]

What? I'm happy!

It's the happiest I've felt in ages, like.

Yeah, and I am, I'm happy for you.

-I am. I just, um... -What?

Naveed, come on, it's Cory.

-We all know what he's like. -Well, yeah.

I do now. He's...

Just don't see too much into it, that's all I'm saying.

What do you mean?

Well, just -- just be careful. It's Cory.

Even I -- I have kissed Cory.

-Me. -Can't you just be happy for me?

For God's sake, Nas.

Well, I think Dr. Peerzada

deserves a round of applause, yes?

Thank you.

[ Exaggerated accent ] Chai! Chai! Garam chai!

Anyone wanting hot tea?

[ Laughter ]

Garam chai. Oh, madam, you want a cake piece?

[ Speaking native language ]

Oh, I got biscuit, I got Ginger Nut, Jammie Dodger.

-You want a "Hob-a-nob"? -Nothing, thank you.

Oh, I'm just do my job, sahib.

-Spare change? -[ Laughter ]

[ Indistinct talking ]

That was so incredibly petty, rude, and childish.

Well, she try to make bloody fool of me first.

She think I'm her bloody servant? Huh!

What's this really about? Hmm?

She clever, isn't she? Like you.

You better off with her, Mrs. Scientist,

than with dinner lady like me.

I do not want to be with Meesha.

Well, it doesn't look like that at reunion, huh?

I saw you, Rashid.

And it looked like she more than just friend.

You came, and you didn't tell me?

Well, you too bloody busy with her!

Nothing! Nothing happened with Meesha!

And you keep pushing me away.

Hmm?

You don't know what I have to give up for you.

What would my kids say?

Nothing.

You are the only one hiding from this,

and I don't know why.

MEESHA: [ Clears throat ]

Hey, go and get ready. He'll be here in a minute.

Mine or yours?

Who'd have thought we'd be double-dating, eh?

[ Knock on door ]

[ Gasps ] Right!

Go on. Shh!

Oh, hi! You must be Tony's dad.

No. I'm Tony.

Chloe! Get down here, now!

-Tony, I'm so sorry. -It's not your fault.

-EMMA: Get off her. -Mum!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

-I beg your pardon? -She's just a kid!

She's 16.

Oh, you got that sorted quick, didn't you?

This is none of your business.

Get in your car now and disappear.

We're in love.

If I catch you near her again, I swear...

Hello.

What's he doing here?

He's with me.

Him?

He's your boyfriend? He's 16 years younger than you!

13.

You're still old enough to be his mum!

That is not the point, Chloe.

You're a 16-year-old girl who's being taken advantage of.

I think when there's a connection between two people,

then age doesn't matter.

It matters to me, you freak!

-Now get in your car and drive! -He's only 30!

I'm gonna go, love. I'll call you.

If you do, I will call the police!

I'm 16. I can do what I like!

-Not in my house, you can't. -Then I won't be in your house!

This is Imam Fazal Hameed.

He's here to talk to you.

I've counseled so many other young people

who have felt like you.

Who had the same urges towards their friends.

Naveed, puberty is a very difficult time.

It weren't a friend.

It were a builder with a hairy chest

stretching his back in Tesco car park.

-That's enough! -It weren't, though, Mum.

That's why I got a job there stacking shelves last summer.

Naveed!

I love another man.

You have to learn to control these urges, Naveed.

Why? It'd be a lie, and I'm done with lies.

You have to try and listen. We're here to help.

I've been looking for you all over the place, son.

Dad, did you know about this?

I'm sorry. I can't stay here.

Sadia, what have you done?

[ Door opens, closes ]

Cory!

Bro...

Cory, I've done it, bro.

I've left. I've told them about us.

That's great.

What's happening, babes?

Oh...

CORY: I'm sorry.

You don't need to explain yourself.

I wouldn't even know how to.

One thing just led to another.

Naveed, what happened the other night...

Don't.

You're my mate.

And this is stopping us being friends.

Then why did you do it?

You knew how I felt, and don't say you didn't.

You're my best friend.

You're not like the others. I-I can talk to you.

And the other night, you were upset.

[ Snorts ]

-What, so now it were charity? -No.

-I don't need your pity, Cory. -It wasn't.

Who are you kidding?

Naveed, this ain't just about you.

Okay?

How do you think I felt?

I thought I knew.

Yeah, I wanted to be with you that night.

I don't know why.

I just did. It felt right.

-Wait. -Get off me.

I'm trying to be honest with you.

It didn't mean the same to me as it did to you.

I wish I could be what you want me to be, but I can't.

Who's lying to himself now?

Fine. You know what?

I'm not gay. You're not straight.

Let's both just get over it.

If he doesn't come back, that's his decision.

He's my son.

You can still call him that?

Now you know what he is?

I never thought we'd have children.

I accepted it.

Then this --

this wonderful miracle happened, remember?

This little premature thing we brought home from hospital.

Oh, how he fought for life.

Do you think the same God that breathed life into him

didn't know who he was or what choices he would make?

Do you think he loves him any less today?

Excellent.

Well, if you drive like that, today you should pass.

Kaneez, I know this isn't the right time, but...

Just say nothing, then, huh?

Kaneez, this isn't good for either of us.

Look...

I love you.

And I don't want to be with anyone else.

But if you can't decide what it is you want from me,

then -- then that's it between us.

I don't want this anymore.

Kan...

I need to borrow your car.

Uh, what?

Oh, it's okay. I passed!

Well done!

[ Doorbell rings ]

I divorce you.

EMCEE: Our open-mic night will start in 15 minutes.

Mum! That's Mr. Hyatt!

Well, get used to it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Just checking you're all right.

Any sign of Cory?

No, he said he had to do something.

EMCEE: Let's have a big hand for Naveed Haider!

[ Exhales slowly ]

Evening, all. Evening, all. Evening, all.

Any Ackley Bridgers in the house? Give us a cheer!

[ Cheering ]

Any gay Pakistanis in the house? Give us a cheer!

Whoo! Just me, then.

Those of you that know me might be shocked.

Others are probably thinking,

"Oh, who were he kidding anyway? Silly queen."

And the rest are selling rocks at the back,

ready for the stoning.

[ Laughter ]

No, but it's true. I'm gay. It's official. I am out.

You know, it's a big thing coming out of "the closet."

That's gayspeak. I'm allowed to say that, by the way.

I'm allowed to say that.

You know, when you come out now,

you get a badge and a little phrase book

and a little book of gay icons and their sayings.

Whoo.

You think that you've moved on.

You know, you think you're gonna wake up,

and the whole world's changed, that your world's changed.

That it's gonna be wall-to-wall men,

Grindr hookups,

and no racism in the gay world.

[ Laughter ]

It isn't. It isn't.

Then you realize what is important

are the people around you.

Take my best friend.

You know, I had no idea how he'd react.

He always said it were a big step

being friends with a Pakistani.

But me mum's curry on tap were a big incentive.

[ Laughter ]

But me, gay?

You know, were he gonna think, uh...

Were he gonna think that our friendship was a sham,

that this whole time I were just trying to get him into bed?

-Which I was. I'll be honest. -[ Laughter ]

Surely my Ariana Grande bunny ears were a big giveaway.

I mean, they weren't my dad's.

No, he's more, uh, Lady Gaga.

Even though I've moved on a step, changed,

he's still stayed the same for me,

still has my back.

Still texting me rubbish advice and bad jokes,

still trying to convince me that rugby is an interesting sport.

Although now he knows where

my enthusiasm for the scrum comes from.

Best hookup in the world, a rugby scrum.

Talk about rubbing your face in it.

Right. Look at that. Look at him.

But you know, I know no matter what happens,

there will always be him,

and I love him for that.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I can't pretend I understand or accept it.

But for now, no more lies, huh?

You forgot your keys.

Hey, Mum?

How did you like the new material?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Perfect. Subtle. Neither yes or no.

Thousands of years of evolution on the subcontinent

has gone into that one simple head wiggle.

[ Squeals ] Well done!

You're amazing!

Very good.

First me sister, then me mum.

She can kiss Miss Carter for all I care.

I'm still not doing my homework.