Original subtitles

[ Screaming, indistinct shouting ]

YOUNG WOMAN: Oh, eww! That's so gross.

[ As Dr. Frankenstein ] I tell you, it's alive! It's alive!

Come back. You're being ridiculous.

-What's going on here? -They're minging!

And they're haram.

What you talking about, "they're haram"?

There are guidelines for this.

What guidelines?

Regarding Pakistani-heritage kids.

Well, I'm a Pakistani-heritage science teacher,

and I believe that dissection is an integral part of teaching.

Thought they only chopped stuff up in school

-in the olden days, sir. -RASHID: Exactly, Amin.

And that's how lucky you are

to have an "olden days" teacher like me.

Come on. Back inside, everyone. Come on.

I mean, where would proctology be if, back in the day,

someone didn't take a scalpel to a bottom

and have a good old shufty. Zain, if you do that

-one more time... -Oi! Mister!

I want a word with you.

Be careful, sir. She's got her fatwa face on.

Classroom. Now.

Not you, pagal. I want to speak to you.

Yes.

You think I don't know my own daughter, huh?

That I don't see anything?

-I didn't say that. -Ah.

You think you can help, huh?

-Yes. -Oh, what, you an expert?

Look, I'll show you what problems Razia has,

and then I'll show you how we're going to fix them.

Oh, will you?!

[ As Kaneez ] Yes, I will!

Oh.

[ Woman singing in native language on TV ]

KANEEZ: Oh.

-Mam! Move! -Over!

I'll bloody move you in minute, gobby!

-Oh, it's the best bit! -KANEEZ: [ Sighs ]

It's bloody rubbish all the same, Bollywood, eh, na?

What's wrong with a bit of romance? It's lovely.

They make you all gaga, these films.

It's not true to life.

Try singing about gas bill

and husbands running off to other wives!

[ Drums playing ]

Morning.

This is for you.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

That's right. That's it.

That's it. Good.

Brilliant. Keep at it. That's it.

One, two, three, four.

Gonna have a word with your mum.

-[ Knocking ] -[ Sighs ]

Um, they're a friend's.

He's given up.

I explained your circumstances.

I don't need your charity, okay?

I'm just trying to help.

Do you really think this help? The drum?

Well, dyspraxia is not fatal.

She can improve, and she can live with it. Look.

You see how she's moving her hands and foot at the same time?

That's what she needs.

-Coordination. -[ Sighs ]

KANEEZ: I should have seen this, though.

You know, she's my daughter.

That's what I tell you.

I'm sorry I shouted.

You feel free to let rip at a moment's notice

if it makes you feel any better, all right?

You don't want to bottle it all up.

Right, well, um, I better let you get back --

Oh, no. You have to stay and eat.

I've made lots of food.

I always make too many kebab.

[ Laughter ]

So, then I'm walking home, yeah?

-And I... -[ Laughter ]

[ Indistinct conversation ]

-Oh! -[ Laughter ]

[ Indistinct conversation, door opens ]

[ Laughter ]

Oh, Hayley, do you want a cup of tea?

What's he doin' in here?

Hayley, don't be so rude.

It's only Aaron. Aaron, take no notice.

Got all the house already, has he?

-What's it to you? -The moment a bloke

comes sniffing 'round here, they've got their feet

under the table before we know it.

-Hey! -What is your problem?

That's my boyfriend you're talking about.

It's all right, Missy. Just leave it.

Boyfriend? He'll be gone once he's got what he wants.

And knowing you, you've probably given him that already!

-Missy! -[ Sighs ]

I can't be with you no more.

It's over. Just leave me alone.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be in class?

[ Sniffles ]

Are you okay?

Yeah.

[ Voice breaking ] No. Obviously.

Look, I've been trained to deal with situations like this.

But if you want, I can forget that, and we can just talk.

I've been dumped.

Hey.

Give yourself some time.

I don't understand. We were getting on so well, and...

I know. I know. It's the worst.

It's the worst.

Remember what I said, if you need to talk more.

MANDY: Bit of diversity wouldn't go amiss.

Where are all the Asian kids?

EMMA: It's just the first auditions.

"A Midsummer's White Dream."

It's not gonna cut it.

[ Door opens, closes ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

STEVE: Naveed, innit?

Yeah.

Are you trying out for the team?

Yeah, sir.

All right, well, good. Good.

Good lad.

All right, come on, lads. Out the door.

Chop-chop!

-Hey. -Hey.

-Where's Jordan? -Complicated.

STEVE: Are things any better at home?

With your dad and that?

Guess there's just no fixing some things.

You've played before, right?

-I've been observing. -[ Chuckles ]

-Closely. -CORY: Come on, then.

RASHID: Kaneez.

I'm sorry. Mrs. Paracha.

Kaneez is okay. [ Chuckles ]

RASHID: Um, Kaneez, you have my heart.

It's true.

No, I can't.

RASHID: Shoved it behind the oven chips and the sprouts.

What?

There's a very large cow's heart in your Deepfreeze.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

No. [ Breathes deeply ]

Oh. No, no.

Oh. God, no.

No, no! I mean y-yes.

Well...yes, please.

I mean, no, no, no. What did you think I meant?

Oh, nothing.

No, no, no. Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait. Um...

I think I know what you thought I meant.

But then I said something else, and you realized

I didn't say what you thought I meant.

But now I'm saying, "Why can't it mean

what you thought I meant initially?"

Again, that is.

No.

I realize this is uncharted territory

for a Pakistani woman, vis-à-vis you

and possibly any other man other than your husband.

But would you at all be interested

in coming to see a concert with me?

This weekend.

Um...

Are you asking me to come out with you

[Whispering] in the nighttime?

Yes. I look much better after dark.

[ Laughs ]

I'd put your name on the door.

Special guest.

And I'd be there from 9:00.

Is...

Is that a yes or a no?

MAN: For those who've just tuned in, welcome to the show.

Sit down, put up your feet,

have a glass of wine, and enjoy the music.

[ Slow music plays ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

RASHID: [ Laughs ] What?

So, the reason we've called you in here

is because we want you all involved in the school play.

I was in that nativity play in infants, sir.

You know -- one of those kings, bro. The brown one at the back.

I was the brown one at the back, as well, bro.

-YOUNG MAN: Me too. -Me three.

-Me four. -[ Laughter ]

NAVEED: * Dun, dun, dunnnn *

You lot shouldn't be doing this.

It's "Ackley's Got Talent," not "Ackley's Got Mullahs."

This isn't our culture.

What are you talking about, "this isn't our culture"?

You don't think they sing and dance in Pakistan?

-Well, I think that... -That's your problem, isn't it?

-You see, you don't think. -Oh, no, that's great.

Now, thank you, Mr. Qureshi. Thank you.

And, first of all, I'd like to thank you all for coming.

And I think it's important that we address

any concerns that you might have.

What has a white play about Greeks

and fairies got to do with us?

Miss, I'm sure Greeks are brown.

Shakespeare goes beyond race and color.

His themes are universal.

Love and hate, good and evil.

Corruption, honor, dishonor, revenge.

-Sounds like Pakistan, Miss. -[ Laughter ]

Or England or America or anywhere.

And that's why his plays are still performed today.

But people are gonna talk about us.

Well, unfortunately,

with Ackley Bridge, we're under a microscope.

They'll be able to see your willy, Zain!

-Your what? -YOUNG MAN: Oh, shut up!

There are lots of people out there, white and Asian,

who would like to see us closed down.

They'll look for any little excuse to criticize.

And by disrespecting our culture, you're giving 'em one.

All I'm asking you to do is participate,

in whatever way you feel comfortable with.

And I understand your concerns, Alya, and I know --

You don't know.

You don't know anything about us.

You don't even know what your daughter's getting up to.

STUDENTS: Ooh!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, why don't you ask her?

Better still, ask Mr. Simpson.

STUDENTS: Ooh!

YOUNG MAN: Mr. Simpson?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey, what was that meeting about?

We've lifted the fatwa.

Rushdie's free. [ Chuckles ]

Oi! You're funny.

You should audition.

Oh, he's good, isn't he, Miss?

Hey. I told him that.

Forget about rugby.

Show business!

Shut up.

Okay.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

MISSY: [ Sighs ]

You're popular today.

If I tell you something, promise you won't shout?

Yeah, I'm really gonna shout.

I haven't said owt yet.

It's about that Aaron, innit?

Why do you have to call him "that Aaron"?

'Cause he is that Aaron, Missy.

And he's here to cause trouble.

Nas, I really like him.

And I think he likes me.

He bought me a bog.

-He what? -He bought me a bog.

Do you have to jump on the first guy

that shows you any sort of attention?

Yeah, she does!

Do you not see what he's trying to do?

Get to know me? Start a relationship?

Missy!

Do you really ever think about anyone else but yourself?!

No, she doesn't.

[ Sighs ] Do not let my mum find out about this.

Nas!

So, as you can see, we have a rather large heart...

because cows are enormous.

Oi.

You know I didn't mean owt before?

NAVEED: [ Sighs ]

I were just disappointed about rugby.

Yeah. I'll tell you what.

If you audition for that school play, I'll do it with you.

-Yeah? -And me.

-Yeah, and me. -And me.

As long as I'm not the brown one at the back.

CORY: [ Laughs ]

You've led a disappointing and sexually unfulfilled life.

You what?!

Oh, no. Sorry.

-I was reading me own thumb. -[ Laughs ]

Come on. Have you found me Mr. Right?

I can't see a Mr. Anything.

What about tea leaves? Can you read them?

That's got to be better than my palm.

[ Gasps ]

-You don't want to know. -Oh, stop it.

Come on, Kaneez.

I'm just here for my driving lesson.

-Don't be a killjoy. -Oh.

-Have it. -Look at this.

What a beauty.

Solid, dependable lines.

Oh, they're just cracked from washing-up liquid, innit?

Let me think.

Oh, yes.

There's something on the horizon.

Oh.

A tall, dark stranger.

They're all tall, dark, and bloody strange

where I'm from, Lorraine.

Hang on, Lorraine. That's not fair!

What about me? What's she gonna do with a man?

-You got your plates? -Mm.

EMMA: Come on.

I know what I'd do with a man.

[ Vehicle door closes ]

What do you mean when you say love wasted on me?

What you on about?

This! This! Tall, dark, and strange!

Why "love wasted on me"?

EMMA: [ Chuckles ] It were a joke.

I didn't mean anything by it.

But what make you say that to me? Huh?

What is it that I do that make you think this about me?

EMMA: Oh, Kaneez. I [Sighs]

Well, I didn't think that...

Oh, you don't think that maybe I want this?

That it's not possible for someone like me?

Oh, well, no. You're Pakistani.

You don't date. I just thought...

No. No.

You're right. I don't date.

And it's too late for me now.

And who will ask me, anyway, huh?

I'm just a Pakistani dinner lady, aren't I?

Kaneez!

[ Vehicle door closes ]

-No, I'm not going. -Come on.

Mrs. Paracha.

-This is Aaron. -No.

Fine. I told you it was a bad idea.

I'm sorry to have bothered you. Let's go.

-Why? -Not now, Missy.

I really want you to meet him.

He nothing to me!

He don't belong here.

Near my house, my family. Me!

What do you want here?

Huh? Who sent you here?

Your mother, huh?

That gundi bitch has taken enough from our family already!

-What more she want now? -AARON: Nothing.

-It's not his fault! -Whose fault, huh?

My fault? Or maybe you're right.

Maybe my fault that men do and say anything they like to me.

And no more!

Do you understand? No more.

How did you find us?

[ Sighs ]

What do you want?

Keep your son away from my house.

I didn't send him!

Liar.

SANDRA: Why would I?

What do I want from you?

[ Scoffs ] You already have it.

I'm not the other woman here.

You are.

I pretend it's not happening.

Even though, with Iqbal, it wasn't...

I don't know what it was.

Waste of bloody years.

What do you want me to say?

I don't know what I'm supposed to say.

When he was with you, I was the other woman.

Rest of time, you alone, like me.

[ Voice breaking ] Yeah.

The difference is that I love him,

and I always have.

Don't know what that is.

I look at these photos of you and him.

He never look like that with me.

All my life, I've had, "Come here!"

"Go there!" "Don't ask questions."

So much time wasted.

I don't bloody care anymore!

Have him.

I don't care what people think of me.

I don't have to listen to nobody.

It's all about me now.

What I want.

You love him?

Good.

I'm happy for you.

I mean it.

Sorry he was away from you for so long.

I know how hard that must have been for you.

But that was your choice.

No one asked me what I wanted.

My life was taken from me.

But now I'm going to take it back.

Oh. Oh.

[ Chuckles ] Need some help?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Ever get the feeling you're being watched?

At least they've got something to look at now.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ] Look, Mrs...

Paracha.

Look, none of this has got owt to do with Missy, okay?

I promise.

I mean, she loves you.

Never stops talking about you, to be honest.

Look, it were that important to her that we met.

And I know youse lot don't want me 'round here,

I get it.

And, hey, I might not like what me mum and dad did,

but I can't hate 'em, can I?

Anyway [Sighs]

I'm not here for them.

I'm here for Missy now.

No one else.

Do you really think I suit it?

Yeah, you look good.

NASREEN: [ Laughs ]

[ Door opens ]

She's out.

Yeah. I've come to see you.

You wouldn't be the first one to have messed her about, you know.

I don't know what you think it is I'm gonna do.

Do you really care about her?

-Yeah. -Then leave her alone.

[ Door closes ]

If that lad don't come back,

it's not being stuck with me you should be worried about, love.

As-salaam-alaikum.

Wa alaikum assalam.

[ Breathes deeply ]

[ Jazz music plays ]

What can I get you?

Oh. Have you got Vimto?

Coke?

Oh, yeah. [ Chuckles ]

[ Up-tempo jazz music plays ]

£3.

£3?!

RASHID: [ Scatting ]

RASHID: [ Vocalizing ]

Bop.

[ Music ends, applause ]

Hello. How's it going?

-Leaving without saying hello? -Hello.

[ Both laugh ]

Well, fancy meeting you here.

Do you come to this place often?

"Of all the gin joints in all the world, she walks into mine."

Huh?

I'm attempting, rather poorly, I might add,

to put you at your ease.

Pretend like we do this on a regular basis.

But if I'm being completely honest, my legs are shaking.

-Why? -I don't know.

It's a totally new phenomenon. [ Chuckles ]

Not unpleasant, but disconcerting nonetheless.

Do you mind if we -- if we sit down?

So, what do you think of our V.I.P. area?

Very Important Pakistani. [ Chuckles ]

It's a joke.

Or not, depending on if you actually are

a very important Pakistani, like, uh...

-Prince Naseem. -Prince Naseem.

-Zayn Malik. -Exactly.

Malala.

You're very good at this.

General Zia-ul-Haq.

-[ Laughing ] General... -Oh, sorry.

We don't have to play the V.I.P. Pakistani.

No, it's...

-Imran Khan. -Imran Khan.

[ Laughing ] Sorry.

That was the last one. I promise.

[ Both laugh ]

I don't know why I'm laughing.

I don't know what I'm bloody doing here.

If my kids could see me.

Or anyone who know me.

If they could see me, I tell you.

I mean, look at me.

In cocktail dress that cost bloody bombs.

And with you. A man.

Huh?

With all these people drinking and dancing.

Oh, it's -- it's...

It's absolutely lovely, Kaneez.

And normal. Totally normal.

KANEEZ: [ Breathes deeply ]

I think I should go now.

Oh, you are very good.

I was dead impressed, really.

And I have had a lovely night.

But I should go.

[ Gasps ]

I want you to stay.

It feels right.

You here.

I mean, you can go if you like,

but I really, really want you to stay.

Benazir Bhutto.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Engine shuts off ]

You, uh -- Are you sure this is close enough?

Yes.

Thank you.

[ Engine starts ]

Rashid!

Rashid!

Rashid!!

[ Vehicle door closes ]

RASHID: You said you were hungry.

-Oh. -Milk and sugar?

Why you ask me to come tonight?

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Um [Sighs]

I-I was gonna do the -- the cake/sandwich thing

before I got to my purpose for this evening.

-KANEEZ: Oh. -[ Chuckles ]

-Sorry. -No, no, no.

Don't -- Don't be.

I'm not.

I still can't believe you came.

KANEEZ: [ Breathes sharply ]

I never do nothing like this before.

I keep surprising myself, eh, na?

It's like I'm watching somebody else doing it, and...

It don't make bloody sense. I know.

Uh, it does if you're enjoying it.

[ Sighs ]

You know, sometimes I feel like I'm, uh...

I'm somewhere I don't want to be yet.

Not yet.

But I have to be.

Eh, na?

It's different in here.

I think.

I think you are intelligent

and funny and scathing...

which I very much admire in a woman.

I'd like to add kind and welcoming,

but you need to do a bit more work on that.

[ Laughs ]

Such a beautiful smile.

And your eyes...

Well, you've got two, which is a big plus.

And every morning, I see them.

And they...

...they light me up inside.

I think this is the moment in the Bollywood films

that we cut to the moon and the stars.

-NASREEN: You all right, Mum? -Oh.

-Yeah. -You've been gone ages.

I know, puttar.

But I'm back now.

Go to sleep.

-EMMA: Makeup. Jewelry. -No.

Makeup. Jewel-- Hat.

[ Door closes ]

What the bloody hell

-do you think you're playing at? -What?

You know exactly what I'm talking about,

you pathetic little creep.

You and Chloe.

Wait. Are you kidding?

-[ Sighs ] -Where have you heard that?

[ Scoffs ]

You were seen.

Bloody Alya Nawaz saw you.

No.

Chloe was upset.

I was just trying to help.

[ Scoffs ] That's how it starts.

How dare you?!

Suggest that I had anything

other than good intentions towards Chloe.

Have you spoken to her?

-No. -No. Of course you haven't.

She was dumped by Jordan Wilson. Right?

'Course you ignored her and made it all about yourself.

-Don't change the subject! -Oh, I'm not.

It's your favorite -- Emma Keane.

Don't you see?

I thought if I could help Chloe,

be a friend...

you might see me differently.

I'm just trying to make you to take me seriously.

Stop it!

I thought we had something.

Oh, Will.

No, just not now.

Why? [ Sighs ]

I'm in love with you.

It was a one-night stand. Um...

I'm sorry if you felt it was something...more.

But it wasn't.

Does anyone mean anything to you?

RASHID: Uh, hi.

Is -- Is Mrs. Paracha here?

N-No. No, love.

Right. Thanks.

RAZIA: Hiya, Ms. Keane.

[ Laughs ] Oh!

You did it!

Oh, come on. What are you talking about?

They did it for you.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Excellent work, Ms. Keane.

MANDY: Yeah, well done, Emma.

Thanks for coming.

Do you want a cup of tea?

I'm having one.

AARON: Um...

The tea bags are above the hob.

Oh, aye. Right.

Sugar?

AARON: Tell you what. Why don't you go and sit down?

And I'll make it.

Sugar's in here.

Don't be too hard on our Hayley.

She don't mean owt by it.

She's not had much care...

from me.

It's always been our Missy lookin' out for her, you know.

Doing what mothers do.

So she's not much faith in me.

AARON: Hey, come on.

Hey, I don't believe that.

No, love, you don't have to say.

[ Sighs ]

I know what I am.

She don't trust me.

That's me own fault.

But I just want you to know she...

...she isn't a bad kid.

AARON: Right.

Missy told me what they'd been through.

I'd have bottled it.

SIMONE: Stuck together, they did.

AARON: Yeah.

And that's why I don't want to get between them.

I just [Sighs]

I'm not gonna come back.

SIMONE: Aaron!

But what about our Missy?

Honest, I don't want to. It's, um...

She cares about her too much, and I really care about her.

So it's the right thing to do. I'm sorry.

SIMONE: I...

Aaron!

[ Door closes ]

[ Engine starts ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

There, um...

Is there any kissing in this play?

I don't think so.

Would you be able to kiss a girl?

You know, like...

in front of your parents?

The story's meant to be a dream.

Do weird things, things that they wouldn't dream of doing.

Then they just forget about it.

Yeah.

Fancy a bit of that meself sometimes.

[ Man speaking indistinctly on TV ]

MAN: Worked hard all year. A lot of heavy bag work.

You know, when I were young in Pakistan...

...we used to go to wash in the stream.

And then, after, we would all get in a line,

and Nana would comb my hair.

And then my cousin Saria would sit in front of me,

and I would comb her hair.

And then, Auntie Fatima, she would comb Nana's hair.

[ Chuckles ] All in a line.

A lot of hair.

[ Breathes deeply ]

[ Doorbell ringing ]

It's Razia, isn't it?

How do you know?

Your dad lives with me.

He's not in.

Do you want to come in and wait?

No offense, but no.

We've just come to see Aaron.

-You know -- me brother. -It's personal.

-Aaron! -AARON: Yeah?

Someone here to see you.

Hayley.

Razia Bibi Paracha.

I'm your sister.

I'll tell your dad I saw you.

Tell him I'm dyspraxic.

Um, so...

What can I do for you?

Sorry. You can come back.

Yeah?

-[ Mockingly ] Yeah. -Mm...

Didn't sound very welcoming, that, did it?

-No, right moody. -AARON: Yeah.

-Me and Missy, right... -Look, I know.

I know. I know it's you and Missy against the world.

I get it.

I mean, you don't even know who I am.

-Why should you trust me? -It's not that.

It's just, if you and Missy went off...

Look, you said you've been through a lot together.

-We have. -All right.

And that's why you'll always come first with her.

Okay?

Not me.

She loves you too much.

That's why I like her.

Why is breakup sex always the best?

I didn't know we were doing breakup sex.

-I thought we'd decided. -Nah.

Nah, I didn't agree to that.

Well, I definitely remember saying before we started

that we weren't gonna do breakup sex.

I had it in me diary and everything.

"Get Asian kids for Emma's play.

-Don't do breakup sex." -[ Chuckles ]

We've been doing breakup sex for weeks.

How do we stop this?

Do you want to?

I can't leave her.

That's not what I asked.

[ Horn honking ]

Do you want a lift or what?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Well, what you waiting for?

Thank God for that. I thought it were gonna be dead awkward.

Are we okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I were just a bit fussy

about who me brother went out with.

[ Both chuckle ]

I'll see you in school.

"But I know when thou hast stolen away from fairy land,

and in the shape of Corin sat all day."

I didn't mean to upset you the other day.

I just weren't thinking.

You done nothing wrong, puttari.

That boy...

Aaron.

He can't be blame for what happened to me, eh?

You like him?

He's all right.

All right?!

At least he doesn't look like his bloody father.

Thanks, God!

[ Both laugh ]

Bring him for tea tonight.

Tell your mam and Hayley.

Have I done something to upset you?

Please go.

Before anybody see me.

Why do --

Why do you keep avoiding me?

What's wrong?

I don't understand.

I can't. Don't you see?

No, I don't.

Is it me?

No.

No, nothing wrong with you.

-What, then? -It's me.

I'm confused, na?

So much happening to me.

I just need to stand still for a bit.

Just need to be me again.

Kaneez.

YOUNG MAN: Sir!

Riz, Lysander;

Nasreen, Hermia;

Dan, Demetrius;

Hayley, Helena.

Missy, Titania.

Cory, Bottom;

Naveed, Puck.

Razia, drums in the band.

And Alya, assistant director.

-I didn't put my name down. -Your dad did.

It's the perfect job for you to keep an eye on our morals, Alya.

Think how good it'll look on your UCAS form.

Um, what about me, bro?

Um, brown king at the back again, bro.

[ Laughter ]

If we shadows have offended...

think but this, and all is mended...

that you have but slumbered here whilst these visions did appear.

And this weak and idle theme

no more yielding but a dream.

[ Slow music plays ]

That's quite disgusting, but it's a little bit like steak.

That's not bad, is it?