Original subtitles

No,

no, no. A gente não deveria estar aqui.

A selva não quer a gente aqui.

Tem.

We have to do this.

What's waiting for us is going to change our lives.

Yeah? Okay.

I'm going alone.

Ana! Ana!

Don't do this!

We start tight on a full moon.

Milky. Almost yellow.

We crane down to reveal an idyllic suburban street.

We float past a series of white picket fences until we settle on a sewer grate.

Flies open.

Something big and scaly slid back.

Fat, hungry, definitely not human. As a pulsating score kicks in.

We're on the back of the beast as it slithers menacingly towards a little

house.

Wait, I'm sorry.

This is our wedding video you're talking about. Yeah.

Though, I actually don't think of them as videos. They're more like short

Yeah, because I'm not sure this is quite what we had in mind.

Okay, I know. It's a little different than normal, but... You really liked the

one you did for Karen and Bart.

Oh, when they walk by the river and jump up and hop. That jump was dope.

And I love that song they used. I don't want to wait for our lives to be over.

I want to know right now, how does it feel?

Um, guys, here's the thing.

I really like you guys. And you said you were horror fans.

And I'm like, I love horror so much. And I thought this could be special.

You know what I mean?

This is a film you're going to watch for the rest of your lives.

But this isn't a film, Doug.

This is a wedding video. And we want one where they do a little jump.

Now, can you do that for us or not?

Do you mind if I'm doing warm -up? Is it okay?

Oh, yeah, I feel much crazier. Okay, good.

Does it sound better to say my line, his vision is blurry, which could suggest,

or his vision is blurry, which could suggest, or I could, you know what, I

even do it like an accent. I could do it just... Oh, you think you just should

do it the way you auditioned it, honey?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's been a while since I've booked anything, and I just want it to go well.

Yeah.

It's hard out there.

Sorry. Doctor number three?

We're ready for you. Okay, knock him down.

Okay, thanks. Thank you, Donna. Hey, by the way, if you ever need anything from

Lowe's, I will hook you up with my employee discount, no question asked.

Okay.

Sorry. Demo with these days of tramadol?

Any idea what I'm looking at here? He said his vision was blurry, so you know

that could suggest... Optic neuritis.

Already ruled that out.

Cut!

Hey, buddy, not sure what that accident is. Just do it normally, okay?

We're gonna go again right away.

He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest... Cut!

Say the line faster, okay? Faster this time.

He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest... Cut!

I think we gotta fire this guy. Can't we get somebody else in here?

And it's all the low that they can bring.

Jerry. What is this thing about there's some kind of newer monster?

Oh, boy.

Doug.

Look, I get that this is not what you dreamed about when you were a kid.

But dreams, they go.

Now, I'll be retiring soon, and Doug, it is only a matter of time before all

this is yours.

Really? Yeah. Look around.

Take it all in.

And imagine.

If you do it right, it's a pretty sweet setup we got here.

This is a B and maybe even a B -plus life we're talking about.

Are you sure you don't want to do anything for your birthday?

You used to make me celebrate your half -birthday.

Let's go get a beer.

With something.

Maybe we should watch that new mountain climbing doc.

About the lady that falls to her own death?

Yeah.

I'll do one about the free diver in the Maldives.

Coat Brown?

He's a great dog. I don't know. Let's just take a gummy and go to Bitteroo.

Do you know about me? No.

Yes, yes. You love a good big birthday, Daddy.

Did you see your face?

You knew about this?

It was my idea.

Buddy, take my coat, please. Thank you. Hey, how are you? Happy birthday!

I'm sorry.

No, that's not... The actual lotion, the actual basket. It puts the lotion in

the basket?

Do you think that is sick? Yeah, no, that is actually sick.

Oh!

Happy birthday, Dougie! Thanks for making my trip clear.

Oh, you know I love Buffalo this time of year.

The blood, the hypothermia.

What's up? No Trent?

No Trent.

Ever again, in fact.

He started banging his dental hygienist.

Anyway, tonight is all about you, baby!

It's about me, it's about you.

You came! Here you are!

Oh, my God.

It's been too long, pal.

It's so good to see you. It has been way too long. Happy birthday.

Thank you for coming out here. You don't want to miss it? Never. We've got a lot

of catching up to do.

Many years ago, a group of young, passionate artists had a vision. It was

vision that's not particularly original or even good.

But it was there.

And so...

made that vision a reality.

And without further ado, I present to you a completely unrestored print

of 13 -year -old Doug McAllister's masterpiece, The Quatch.

What? I thought we lost all the copies of that.

Nope. I found it in my mom's garage. It was stuck in the player. Are we sure

this is okay for the kids to watch? I don't give a shit.

Mrs. Brown had us bleep all the swears so we could show it at the school

assembly. It didn't make much sense because we were very clear about it

-rated. Happy birthday, pal.

This isn't happening.

Oh, it's happening. Here we go.

I'm going to kill you.

I haven't changed a bit.

And we've been watching a lot of Scorsese.

Didn't quite have the ear for it, did we?

So

much

charisma. I'm glad you had it. I still can't believe I let Doug Hawkins do

Doug, it was your idea.

It's coming for us. We're trapped.

What the hell are we going to do?

Oh, my God.

We're all going to die.

This is where it gets real.

Not on my watch, mister.

Well, I'm giving it to you. It's not the TV because you can't get it out.

It was right after.

Right after your year of college. Yeah, that's when Anaconda came out. Remember,

we saw it like 30 times.

Put it right there alongside the classic. Totally. How about that cat?

J -Lo, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson, Stoltz. I mean, it's a murderer's row.

Plus, the snake was like a metaphor for our lives at that moment.

God, life is coming at you, hunting you, enforcing you, like, off your back.

Like your parents' health insurance.

I don't know. No, it's true.

It was like that. How about that accent by John Boyd? How about that? That's

right. They wrap around you, and you get the privilege of hearing your bones

break before the hour of the break.

I have the right to anaconda.

What?

I have the right to anaconda.

Apparently, the movie was based on a novel by some dead Japanese guy.

And my agent introduced me to his widow. But unbelievably, she...

She was such a fan of the four episodes that I did on SWAT that she gave me the

right. So what are you going to do with them?

Well, not me.

We're going to reboot the thing.

Indie style.

Three weeks.

Run and done. In the Amazon.

Skeletal crew. Claire, you and I can star. Kenny, you shoot it. Doug, you

direct. Huh? Come on. What do you say?

I mean, it's a wonderful idea in theory.

I mean, I can get time off from work.

Yes, you can, Kenny. Wait.

Kenny, what are you talking about? You're in.

No, he's not in. He says, like, one thing and you're in already. You're

the Amazon.

He's not in. What do you think, Claire?

I just, I don't know if I'm in the right headspace right now. Of course you are.

Of course you're not in the right headspace. It's the best headspace. Are

kidding me? Come on. It's like you pray love and shit.

Come on.

You know what?

I'm in. What?

Really? Yeah.

I mean, my life is totally shit anyway, so.

God, I'm so happy to hear that.

I mean, not that your life is shit, but that you're in.

Besides, as soon as Doug says yes, we'll probably need you to finance the whole

thing. What?

Doug?

Yes? I'm sorry.

I got responsibilities. I got Mailey, Charlie.

My job. I know.

Making, uh, wedding games.

No. Right.

It's a good life, you know.

It's a B, B -plus life.

B, B -plus life?

It's a good life.

Do you remember when we were kids and we would stay up till four in the morning,

hang out in your mom's basement, watching horror movies?

Scaring the shit out of ourselves.

Texas Chainsaw on, like, repeat.

Now we have the chance to make one ourselves.

Dude, look what we dreamed about every time we were little kids.

I hear you.

But we're not kids anymore, Griff.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. I do.

I do.

I do.

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Still watching the quads?

Charlie, why don't you go check on those cookies?

Okay, but I'm pausing it, so... Don't touch it.

Gonna need some ice cold milk with that.

You got it.

What are you doing?

What? Just go make the movie.

Mailey. Come on. Every time you watch this thing, you light up. Like, I

seen you light up in a long time.

So what? I'm supposed to chase some Hollywood fantasy I had as a kid?

Waste of... bunch of money and time and for what? In the end, what's it going to

change?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

We hope you come to celebrate as we become the handsome!

Holy shit.

lives to be like over what are you talking about the anaconda thing

you were serious right yes very then let's do it

let's reboot anaconda yeah yeah

Budget -wise, soup to nuts, what does it cost to get the thing made? I figure we

need three weeks to shoot it. Some VFX, some SFX, a riverboat, a riverboat

captain, travel to and from the jungle, and a gigantic real snake.

Reverably a rental.

Rental, copy.

All in, two, two and a half million dollars.

That sounds right.

We've approved a loan for you for up to $9 ,400.

Good. I've revised the budget down to...

43 ,000 all in. That sounds more right.

Now, the film does have to be scary, right?

Terrifying. But it can't just be about a giant snake killing people.

Exactly. It has to be about something, right?

Right.

I mean, themes.

Come on. Like grief without revenge.

In terms of themes, that's like one of the top ones. Oh, my God. I got a good

one. Hit me.

Intergenerational trauma.

I love intergenerational trauma. Who doesn't love intergenerational trauma?

We're on to something.

This is a masterpiece.

You're a goddamn genius.

I love it. Don't change a word.

You killed it. It's scary. It's emotional. It's funny when it needs to

thank you. Hey, Doug.

I know that we had our little dust up.

But I need to shoot this film, man. Dustin?

Yeah. He fired me from the wedding video stuff because I got a little wasted.

Knocked over the wedding cake.

But I'm dealing with it.

Like getting sober? Yeah.

Well, I mean, Buffalo sober.

Buffalo sober?

Mm -hmm. Just beer and wine.

And then some of the lighter liquors. But definitely not all of them.

I'm proud of you.

Doug?

If I'm being honest, I enabled you a little bit. Of course you get a second

chance. Let's do this.

Nice. Thank you, man.

Car's here.

And you have the meth with me, right?

You only take that once a week. Hey, Dad.

I forgot.

I'm talking to you.

I got you this.

What?

I know. Pretty sick.

The world's greatest Doug.

I thought I could say Doug.

Whatever, man, that's funny.

I love it. It's much better.

So, hey, I was reading about anacondas on the plane.

Basically, they wait in the water a day, stalking their prey, never moving, just

waiting. And then when a prey comes, snatch and grab it. A thousand pounds of

pressure. You think you're going to get away? You're not.

Crushing you.

Oxygen leaving your lungs.

Oh, God, it's terrible.

So like in the movie Anaconda?

Yeah, exactly.

So it's real?

Yeah, it's all real.

Very real.

There's a story of this woman.

God bless her.

This snake wraps around her so tight, the eyeballs just...

No way! It was my grandmother, Silvana.

Shit. Horrible grandmother, but still sad.

Huh? I'm sorry, who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm tired of Santiago.

Yeah, you can call me Santiago.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Hey, Kenny.

Kenny's on the phone. Kenny, yeah. Hey.

Hi. Yeah, this is our snake handler.

Oh. Thank God. You're supposed to be the bat. No. Supposed to be. We have a

joker here.

No. I'm the bat.

Yeah. Huh? That's good. So, welcome to Brazil.

Nice to meet you, mate.

Dying of starvation.

His food supply destroyed by gold miners who put mercury in the river. Gold

miners? Gold mining poisons our land.

Their greed almost killed my snake.

Oh. But I fed him. I nursed him back to life. In many ways, he did the

same for me.

Right. The tale is over time.

Saved by a snake.

What's her name?

Was it, uh, Griff? Okay, Griff.

She's not only a snake.

She's my tiny giant, my friend.

One of the most important creatures of the cryptological world.

No, of course, I, uh, sure. I didn't, I wasn't trying to... I, yes.

Okay. Let me introduce you.

Hey, Thor. Hey, Thor. Oh, my goodness.

Hey, Thor.

Oh, hell yes! This thing is nuts!

There are rumors of condors even beater.

Maybe four or five times this size.

Go ahead, Kenny, from the phone.

Um, is it true that they regurgitate their prey?

Sometimes.

I mean, if you're lucky, you die right away because of suffocation.

But... Only the unlucky ones survive.

Unlucky?

Yeah, because then you might actually be conscious when the snake comes

back to finish you off.

Gotcha. Better to die.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Our snake guy, does he seem kind of batshit crazy?

I mean, he's best friends with the snake. Of course, he's a little quirky.

like him. Really? Yeah.

Then again, I used up all my vacation days to come make a self -finance making

movie with you three.

Your judgment's really off. My judgment is off. Anybody talk to the captain?

It's not a shoot. I'll reach out again.

Guys, my name is Anna. I believe you spoke to my father on the phone.

Bruno? That's your dad?

Yeah, he sent his apologies, but he's at the hospital.

Oh. Ah, I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, you'll have to make other accommodations because I need to take

this boat upriver for a routine service.

But I can assure you a full refund. No, wait, wait. Everything else is booked.

Yeah. And we're going to shoot a movie. It's a reboot.

Man of Conduct? Technically, it's more of a reimagining, but it's actually more

of a spiritual takeaway.

Good for you.

There's got to be a way, right? We can crew the boat. There's nothing I can do.

We have dreamed of making this film together our entire lives.

Please. I am begging you. Please.

Help us find another way.

Let's do this.

Okay. No!

How did you find this boat?

Yes!

day tomorrow if you remember we had a tradition on all our films the night

before we started shooting we would say a prayer to the movie god asking them to

basically not screw us over and for the first time ever may they listen come on

to the movie god

The Anaconda is the story of an intrepid biologist, played by Claire, who hires

an unhinged snake tracker.

played by Griff, to hunt down and kill a giant mythical conda that ate her

entire family.

And on a deeper level, it's about chasing your dream.

What's it like shooting with Doug again?

Our best friend. We've worked together our whole lives, and I went out to L

and he was going to come out, and we were going to be a partnership, and he

didn't do it. Griff and I planned to work together in L .A., but, you know,

intervened. But it doesn't matter, because now we're together, and now

back. We're making this, and it's as it should be.

I am the infant!

You are going to move slow and steady.

Sometimes it goes fast.

Nick, B .O .B., R .D., take one.

No, it's not working.

Snake the O .V., the right way, take two.

Sometimes he goes from above in the trees, sometimes from below in the

The toothpick, it unlocked a couple of aspects of his character for me.

Something there.

Ah, why would I be nervous about doing a love story with Greg?

You guys used to date.

That was a long time ago.

A little bit of chaos was part of the ingredient.

might be the last time you look at each other. I think you'd be a little nicer

to the guy who's out here to save your life.

You're an asshole.

Fuck.

Ah.

Add a THC.

And cut.

Great stuff, guys.

We got it. Should we go one more time?

Want to try it again?

No, I'm good. You're good.

Between you two is... Yeah? Like we were right back in high school.

Wouldn't you have looked up at her?

Well, that's because of your notes.

About taking the beat right before you did it? Yeah, yeah. I made the scene.

I'll tell you, I never felt like this on SWAT. I mean, granted, I was only in a

couple of episodes, but it was never collaborative. It was never fun.

Not like this.

Like we were back on quad?

I'm thinking at the midway point, instead of talking the bad guy out of

if Claire's character headbutts him?

Sorry, headbutts him?

Headbutts him. Or, or we both do. Double headbutts.

Come on. Kind of revolutionary.

That's super revolutionary.

Why is that?

Super revolutionary.

What? It's never been done.

Jesus Christ, this is a beautiful scene with real steak, Doug.

Feel free to weigh in here.

No, I hear you. I do. And as always, I trust your instincts on this.

But a double headbutt is pretty revolutionary. Right? It is. It's very

revolutionary. Yeah. There's no denying it. None. Come on. Claire, is the

problem that you don't know how to headbutt? Why would I not know how to

headbutt? We're not born with these skills. We learn them along the way. Let

show you. Tight core.

Breathe in. Hold that breath.

And you can vocalize.

Another kind of headbutt is more unleashed.

Just full on.

You got the arms in there. That's good. Send that shit into the goal.

Or you put some Brazilian sauce on that.

You know.

I would go for the bridge of the nose. Yeah.

Crack it.

I'm sorry, but how could this happen, huh?

Kenny, I thought you said this guy was a pro.

That's what he said, but he hasn't provided us with a certificate.

You fixed the crate, right? It's taken care of? My thing, my job, under

All good.

My Hator, he's a beautiful, intelligent, smart, sexy creature.

He does exactly what I command.

And I would never let anything happen to you.

or the crazy one, or her, or her, or the actor here.

So have a good night.

May the sound of the forest be the music of your dreams.

Actors on your mark.

Santiago, is high tour ready?

Yes. Always ready.

High tour's ready. And action.

Complete.

Cut? Yeah. All right.

Kenny, do you mind if I... Santiago, take five. High tour, five.

Hey. Hey. Wow. It's really huge when you see an up -close person like that.

Majestic. creature but um i just want to i i throw myself in front of the snake

to kind of uh protect claire's character right correct is there any value in um

uh not doing that what no no no he sacrifices himself for her

it taps his arc it's so important right and also dude it's totally safe yeah

All right, let's do this.

All right, take it from the top.

Back to one.

Santiago, high chord.

Action.

Go.

I'm not leaving.

Not without you, Jared.

You think you got me?

The world is depending on you.

I'm depending on you.

God damn it, I love you, Jared. And oil.

Put your face right up next to the snake.

I don't like this. I don't want to do it anymore. Get a tiny bit closer. Get

closer. He's rambly. This is gold.

Just give me one more second. One inch closer to your face.

Get it right up in there.

You're a hero.

Now you think this is strange.

Grown men get emotional over some bad thing.

Jesus.

But I love him.

And he loved me back, whatever way he could.

Oh, God.

No.

Why is Kenny crying?

I don't want you here. Not for this!

He tried to murder me.

Grif? What?

Let the man grieve. You murdered my friend!

Just get out of my face!

Where am I supposed to go? Grif! Go!

Just move!

Welcome you, my dear friend.

Snake it is, snake it is. Snake it is, snake it is. Snake it is, snake it

is. Made of divine snakes.

Well, well.

It's a snake funeral, I think.

How is it a snake funeral?

I say we shouldn't be doing that quite.

No, not you. No. I know. I'm sorry. I don't mean... I'm not trying to disturb

you. I just wanted... Just leave me alone. I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I really am.

A friend of mine died once, too, and it hurts.

Was it a snake?

Was it a snake?

No.

It was a good human person.

Oh.

Ask if that's right.

Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Beer?

Well, I don't have my pills here, but, you know, I'll just mix it up.

A few commercials, TV.

Did a few episodes of SWAT.

Oh, SWAT? Yeah. Oh, I like that one.

I swear, I even had the last line of season

three. So what happened?

Well, the producers decided that...

They didn't really need that character, so they got rid of me.

I mean, it's only been going about eight or nine more seasons.

They don't deserve you.

Yeah, you're a star.

Thank you. Yeah.

You've beaten movies?

I mean, an industrial... You know what movie I like? What? The Lajunov Badger

Family.

You should do a movie like that.

Oh, man, I wish.

Yeah.

I like you.

I like you too.

You know what? What? I'll get a noose and egg for your movie now.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

You come with me, of course.

What?

Should we be in here?

Maybe we should head back.

What was that?

What was that?

Listen, there's snakes around here.

I can feel it.

What does it feel like?

I don't know.

It's just very snaky.

What? It's snaky?

They hear from vibrations on

the ground.

Every step you take.

It's all in them clothes.

And when the jungle goes quiet,

that's when you know they're clothes.

And then we should go back to the boat.

It would be a good idea to go back to the boat. Go back to the boat.

Santiago!

Santiago!

Santiago!

Nope.

I don't think he's come back.

Back? From what? We went out to go get a new snake. You went to find a snake in

the middle of the night? Yeah, but we need one for the movie. We was jarred.

got separated. It was crazy out there. Griff, Griff, Griff.

What? You went out in the middle of the night to find a juicy snake in the

jungle? You know what that's called?

Producing.

Really? I guarantee he will be back with a giant snake. And you and I are making

movies.

You're right.

Santiago's a pro.

He'll be fine. If he's not back soon, we'll go look for him.

It's been over an hour. I have to go find him.

Well, you're not going alone. Yeah, we're definitely coming with you. It's

that way.

Have you guys tried this thing?

It's like a warm bowl of soup, but in chair form.

Yeah, man.

Chairs.

And I told you, man.

They literally have arms, right?

Oh, wow.

Like when your parents are gone?

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We still have chairs, you know?

The hell are you talking about?

Let's go find Santiago.

Let's get a snake for our snake movie. Yeah, Santiago, let's go!

Hey, what direction are we heading in?

Um...

But I'm good. I already peed. Jesus Christ, Kimmy. We're completely lost.

Wait, you guys.

This way.

Wow. Looks totally abandoned.

Anybody home?

maybe some food and water

That's where that guy went. Oh, my God. What is out there?

We got to go now.

Let's go. Let's go. We can't let him crush the van. Crush the van?

It's not with me. What?

It's not.

It's a camper van. Probably.

It's got to split us.

Blitz charge batteries. The relay probably popped off. It's underneath the

Okay, can you fix it? Usually I can fix it, yes. But, Hank, I'm still having

some visual problems because of the... You did it to me again.

You did it on the wedding video and then you wasted off your ass.

Again. I'm really sorry, boss.

Oh, Buffalo sober.

You're Buffalo sober.

Do you have any more?

Griff, please, can you fix it? I think I'm better suited to be your wheel man.

I'm talking about I've always been a better driver than you.

Have you been a safer driver?

I passed the driver's test on my first drive. You took three times. Yeah, but

that's because I didn't know. Now I know what that is.

Oh, my God. We're going to die.

Hey,

maybe we can ask these guys for help. We have to stop. Do not block the car.

Anna, what is going on?

They're illegal gold miners who patrol the jungles around here. These guys are

dangerous. They'll kill anyone approaching to their territory.

What are these two together?

Will, can't you drive any faster?

Whoa, whoa, Anna, what are you doing?

Where is she?

Where is she?

Who do you mean?

I know there's someone else here.

So, where is she?

Let's go, come on.

We gotta go, fast.

Look, I can get you guys out of here. All we need to do is keep heading north.

There's a small airport about a day and a half from here.

You can get us home?

Yeah. Get us home. I think we got to call it.

Man, we've got such good stuff and we're so close.

Really?

We're going home?

Buddy, I know. I don't want to go home empty -handed either.

But we came in here to make Anna Campbell.

And you were in it.

Emergency meeting.

Captain crew only. Kenny, sit down. What is that? Two pages.

We have some time before the next port, and I had an idea last night that I

think it's just too damn good not to shoot. Doug!

Everybody's pretty burnt, man.

Just hear me out. I'm begging you, please, Kenny. All right. Sorry, Bob.

you. What if you two, on your way to find the Anaconda, run into a total

on an incredible quest?

Oh, that's interesting.

Let me go.

To expose illegal gold mining?

Exactly.

And while they're hunting down this mythical snake, they actually end up

fighting the real villain.

An even bigger snake.

Man. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Man. I like this.

This is good.

And if we add this element, it does make the movie much bigger.

Like now it's about something.

Fiends.

Fiends.

Yeah. Okay, okay.

You know what, guys? I didn't want to say anything before, but this thing

be an awards play.

I mean, the Academy loves social work, right?

Dude, you could be the white Jordan Peele.

I was thinking the same thing.

We've been through so much, you guys.

Let's finish this movie.

I'm in.

Let's do it. Yeah. Oh, who are you going to get to play this new awesome

character?

Homer!

What naughty job.

And cut.

Yes! That's what I'm talking about.

You sure you've never acted before?

I swear.

Some of the best acting I've ever seen.

You're a natural.

You're incredible. Thank you. Take five. Next up, we got 72.

Guys,

you see what I'm saying?

She's incredible, right? Yeah, good.

Hey, a question, though.

If she dates us, it doesn't really give my character anything to do. Yeah.

This was supposed to be the moment where my character starts falling for Derek,

so he needs to do something heroic.

You know, I'm selfish.

I don't know, you guys. This just feels like her moment. She actually did it in

real life.

But good news, I'm going to shoot all the rest on her so you guys have the day

off.

See you later.

Take the day off.

Huh.

This is our movie, Griff, and he's just cutting us out.

Yep. Welcome to show business, baby.

You're not in unless you get screwed over by your friends.

You ever wake up and wonder, what the hell have I done with my life?

Yeah.

Like every day.

Hey, at least you had the guts to go after what you wanted. You think I

to go to law school?

What have I got to show for it, though?

You know what I have?

I have a terrible apartment and a 74 -year -old roommate.

Sometimes I go to Trader Joe's just to feel air conditioning.

You at least have a career.

I mean, what do I have to show for it?

I got no family, no career.

Never done anything that matters.

No, nothing.

Never too late.

We're in there.

Let's make a movie.

Hola, amigo. Jesus, come on, get dressed. We've got a back day.

What are you talking about? I am dressed. I'm dressed really pretty, very

nicely. All right, can you just take a cold shower? We've got to film, like,

now. You know what you should call the movie?

Anaconda. Get it?

Anaconda. Because of Anna. Can you just fit in costume?

You know what? You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me.

Without me, you'd still be stuck in Buffalo shooting your bullshit wedding

videos.

Films. Yeah, you can tell yourself that.

You know, I vouch for you, too.

You're the rights holder. So, like, who is this guy? I said, trust me, he's

good.

What is that?

Excuse me.

Are you guys shooting a movie?

We're doing a reboot of Anaconda.

Come again?

A reboot of Anaconda.

Anaconda? Like Ice Cube Anaconda?

Yes.

That's weird.

So let me get this straight.

You don't have the rights to anaconda.

No, well, I... Not legally.

And you've never owned the rights to anaconda.

You don't own the anaconda.

Tony. Tony owned the anaconda. Yeah, no, no, I know. I mean, like, you know...

In the larger sense. Why would you tell us that you had the right to the goddamn

Anaconda franchise when you very much don't have the rights to the goddamn

Anaconda franchise?

Do we really even need the rights, really? I mean, like, who gives a shit?

About IP?

Yeah. Literally everyone.

That's what big movies are! That's why we're here!

You think that's why we're here? Yes, that's why we're here!

damn jungle for a lie.

I had to lie.

I had to lie to you. You wouldn't have come otherwise. None of you would have.

Bullshit. Not bullshit.

That's why you never came out to L .A. with me in the first place. Even though

we had a whole plan to work together.

Your whole life has been dictated by fear.

Griff, you're fired.

What? You're fired.

No, no, I'm not. You can't fire me. You know why?

Because I quit already.

Last night.

I just didn't tell anybody yet.

So... Too bad for you, I guess.

Because I already quit.

in the Anaconda boat. Maybe they can help me get home.

Don't think about this. It's not safe.

It's a tiny boat.

There's a giant snake out there.

Please, don't do that.

J -Lo!

Ice Cube!

John Boyd!

Are you in this one?

It's okay!

It's okay!

Calm down! I'll come get you! It's okay! You're safe! You're safe!

Oh, shit!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Doug. Doug,

what's going on? Why have we stopped?

Well, Anna found a great place to shoot the next scene. The next scene? Okay,

I know. Losing Griff was hard, but between the four of us, we can finish

film. I'm not going home empty -handed. Come on, man. Without Griff, that's not

part of the plan. Well... Plans change, and that part of filmmaking, too. No,

no, Doug, we have to go back for him. He's not safe out there. Anna, we need

turn the boat around. We are not turning a boat around. Yeah, we're not turning

the boat around. Everyone off the boat now.

What's going on?

Anna, what are you doing? This definitely isn't the plan. Well, plans

Doug. Isn't that filmmaking?

And every good film is a bit of a twist.

To the dock.

You're going to carry these for me back to the boat. Let's go. And then what?

And then you're going to shoot us?

No!

I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's inside these bags.

You want to look at it?

Look at it.

Wait.

Is that... Gold?

You're the miner?

You did all of this for money?

Very quick, Larry.

I'm not going to be part of your sick quest.

You

don't

move.

I'm with the government to track illegal gold miners.

And then here runs one of the biggest rings in Brazil.

Don't trust anything she says. She's a liar.

She's a damn liar.

We're filmmakers from Buffalo. We're working on a spiritual sequel to

And I don't know if she mentioned that, but it's not just a reboot.

And I kicked out my friend who had the lead. And I gave her a juicy -ass role.

And this is how she treats her. Shut up!

I don't know what you're talking about, man. Off topic. Go.

Arrest her. Oh, thank God.

Oh my god!

Shut me!

That'd be me, asshole.

Grip? No.

He was a good guy.

I'm a good guy.

He's a cop! Look, I don't... What?

I'm a good guy. Drop it on your knees now, before I rip you!

Taking the water.

Wait, I... No!

No, no, Hannah.

Don't, don't do this.

You took Claire on your knees. No! You don't have to be this person.

I have children at home.

They're 10 and 13.

Please.

What are you doing to my kids? Just shut your mouth. Turn around now.

On your knee.

No!

No, ma 'am!

Eat that shit!

For the record, that's how you have butt, bitch.

You won't do it.

You don't have the boat. I know you, Claire.

You don't know me.

I don't even have kids.

No, wait, wait. I think the boat is back that

way. Yeah, but so is the snake. We can't go that way. We gotta take this trail

and get to the high ground.

Wait, what's that?

I know it hurts, but we've got to get out of here now to get the snake out

there. Sorry, I can't move. My leg is freaking out.

What are we going to do?

We're going to have to piss on you, man.

Huh? On the bite.

It's the only way.

I thought that was just jellyfish. No, no, no, no. It's all animals.

Are you sure?

Positive. Someone's got to piss. I need one of your pissers.

I'd love to be able to help out, but I'm just... I am drained, tapped, bone dry.

Claire, you want to take care of this?

Let it flow, let it flow, yeah.

Get this on me.

Come on, whiz on me.

Whiz on me. Do it. Whiz on me.

You don't think I want to?

I would love to piss all over you, man.

But it's not in the cards.

Whiz on me. I can't.

Now. You can do it.

Whiz on me. Do it, Tim. That is it.

Whiz on me. Now. Okay.

You got it, buddy.

There's one more problem.

What? I haven't told you about this.

I can only pee sitting down. Jesus Christ!

I need a chair.

I've been jealous of you for a long, long time.

Jealous? For having the balls to do what I couldn't.

For going after what you wanted.

Oh, my God!

We have to go after him.

I do not have a choice. Come on.

i do i tricked him into coming here and now he's dead no no we all

chose to be here i wish it was me it should be me it's not your fault and we

have to keep going hey guys i think i found out which way we should go

Open field.

We've got to get across that to get to the boat. But we can't just run across.

It's too exposed.

The snake could come from anywhere.

Maybe we can create a distraction.

Yeah, yeah, maybe. But how do we do that?

I mean, it's going to be...

What?

What? Oh, my God. Doug, no.

Oh, Dougie.

Dougie. Come on, man.

Baby.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Wait. Wait.

Baby Doug is the distraction.

I know this is horrible, okay?

But if we can drag Dog out to the field, prop him up, and attach the

board over his back, wouldn't we make it really hard for the snake to swallow

him?

It'll occupy the snake long enough for it to cross the field and get back to

boat.

That's a really smart idea.

God, this is horrible. It meant saving all of us. I'm sure Doug would have

wanted this. I'm not sure he would have wanted this.

Wait. I gotta go. What are you doing?

Nate, they left squirrel meat.

Oh, shit.

He's alive.

He's alive.

I thought you checked his pulse. Right there. No, you did a shitty job. What

fuck?

Get back in the boat!

play a hero, that I lost sight of what it is that's really important to me, and

that's just making stuff with you guys again.

Griff, I feel the exact same way. I love you guys.

I just have one question.

Whose idea was it to put that dead squirrel in my mouth?

It was like a group decision.

Really? Yeah, it wasn't like one person.

Snakes love squirrel meat. I knew it was your idea! Guys, come on, we gotta keep

moving. I made a choice and I'm sticking with it.

Holy shit.

Visit OneTamilMV .Kiwi. Hello?

Anyone there?

Hello?

Can you help us?

What? What? What?

Again? Sorry.

Oh, shit.

I should.

Who'd you think it was?

John Boyk?

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go.

Get in. Get in, you two sobs.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right.

The snake tore up the set.

Everybody's scattered.

Lamb hit me. I'm down.

I get up.

Nobody there.

What about J -Lo? Yeah, they're extolled. Jen, you're from the block, so

don't be okay, but Eric ain't from the block.

Jesus, damn it.

I don't know how we're gonna do it, but we have to kill it before it kills us.

I'm with that. I'm with that. Hey, how are they gonna do it in your script?

I never finished the third act. What?

You guys started shooting before you knew the end. Welcome to Hollywood,

buttercup. That's what they do.

They just make it up as they go along.

What was the general gist? Do you have any idea?

All I know is they were setting up pyrotechnics all through here.

Is it still up?

It's hooked up, but I don't know how to work pyrotechnics.

save J. Lo and Stoltz.

Really?

You're going after them?

They the homies, okay? I can't leave them out here with the ops.

I got to go and represent.

They my castmates.

Actors code.

Respect. Yay.

You're too kind.

Everything you do.

Man, y 'all group it out.

Let's go.

No, no, no, no, no.

Can we get one more for safety? I don't think my face was totally in there. No,

it's okay.

Just to make sure that's exactly what I'm thinking, which I'm sure it is

totally. I'm super sure.

Think about killing that snake.

I think that's what I was thinking that too.

Okay, here's the plan.

Griff, you get the detonator for Kenny.

Claire, you fire up the generators.

Kenny, you set up the cameras.

I'll get the golf cart.

We'll lure the snake into the pyro field and end this thing once and for all.

You ready for our big Hollywood ending?

You ready?

Yeah. Ken said as soon as we get to the pyro field, we can detonate these one by

one. Gonna blow this bitch sky high. Sky frickin' high.

We don't get to stay online in time. Then we're all dead.

Thank you!

Why is there no power?

Why is there no power?

I forgot to turn it on.

Not on my watch, Victor.

And that's a wrap on Snake.

very much.

Thank you.

A long time ago, a group of artists

had a vision to one day live their dream of making a major motion picture.

And last year, against all odds, I'm proud to say that dream was realized.

As my friend Kenny likes to say, the snake is a metaphor.

for the monsters that come for all of us if our dreams remain unrealized. And to

be clear, there's also a non -metaphoric name.

Oh, my God! A shout -out to Claire Simon and Kenny Pratt.

Is there nothing to tell us?

Well,

we may not have the right.

We don't. We don't have. We definitely don't have the right. This is our

completely unauthorized...

Possibly illegal.

Reboot of the Sony classic film.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Anaconda.

Are you Doug McAllister?

Uh -huh.

You directed the unauthorized version of Anaconda, even though you didn't have

the rights.

Yeah.

I saw your little movie.

And I loved it.

I loved it.

That's why I'm here. I'm here because we're doing another Anaconda.

And I want you to direct it.

Are you in?

I'll see you next time.

Wanna pull up? Huh, did you notice that butt was stuck?

Geese in the jeans he's wearing. I'm hooked and I can't stop staring. Oh,

I wanna get with ya and take your picture.

Oh, my God.

Nice.