Original subtitles

(menacing music)

You wouldn't steal a handbag.

You wouldn't steal a car.

You wouldn't steal a baby.

You wouldn't shoot a policeman

and then steal his helmet.

You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet

and then send it to the policeman's grieving widow,

and then steal it again.

Downloading films is stealing.

If you do it, you will face the consequences.

(silenced shot/thud)

Man, these anti-piracy ads are getting really mean.

I think we're sitting too close to the screen. And the floor's all sticky over here.

All right. OK, let's move back, then.

Ah!

- I still think we're too close. - Well, then, sit in the sink.

I'm not sitting in the sink again.

OK, princess.

Your flat is way too small for this telly.

That's nonsense.

(Moss sighs)

- What's wrong with you now? - I need to go to the toilet.

Well, then, go.

- I'll hold it in. - (phone rings)

- Hello? - Hello, Roy.

Hello, Jeff.

Now, Roy, you know I changed my name by deed poll.

- I'm not calling you Dominator, Jeff. - But I am Dominator!

- Yeah, whatever. I'm not calling you it. - Forget it.

Um... Now, listen, I was just wondering, have you seen the new Tarantino film?

- Yeah, actually I'm just about to watch it. - I have already seen it.

Anyway, right, at the end, there's a very unusual twist.

Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh, now I know there's a twist! I'm gonna spend the whole film guessing what it is.

Damn you, Dominator.

- Just try and forget that there's a twist. - Oh, how can you forget there's a twist?

- Oh, what's wrong with it now? Oh, come on! - (static)

If I don't see this film today then Jeff'll find out some way of telling me what the twist is.

I know he will. Come on! Work!

(continues to thump TV)

Oh, look, I have to go.

Moss.

- Hey. Hey, hey, hey. What's up with you? - I can't do this any more.

Do what? Moss, what are you talking about? Here, let me help...

- Back off. - We're just watching a film, Moss.

- Come on, Roy. Can't you see it? - See what, Moss?

We go to a film, sometimes the pub, maybe get some dinner,

but it just goes on and on, year in, year out. We're stagnating.

You're making it sound like we're some sort of old married couple.

But we are. Can't you see? You're my wife, Roy, you're my wife. You're my wife.

We should be married to ladies, but we're married to each other.

- You're my wife. - Could you stop calling me your wife?

You're my wife, Roy, and I can't take it any more!

If anything, I'm the husband.

(wind whistles)

(crows caw)

(dog barks)

(flicks lighter)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this? What's this?

- Oh, come on. - We don't even have ventilation down here.

- I'll stand over here. - I don't care. No.

I don't wanna go out on the street. It's too... Soviet out there.

- "Soviet"? - Yes. It's cold, everyone looks oppressed.

You know, I remember when smoking was fun. All the cool kids were doing it.

Every time I want a cigarette now I have to go to Gorky Park.

- (phone rings) - Oh, don't answer that.

- Why not? - I know who that is.

That's a man called Dominator who wants to tell me the twist in a film

that I've been waiting to see for ages. Don't answer it.

- "Dominator"? - His real name is Jeff Hawthorne.

- We have to answer the phone. - No, no, we don't.

No, look... he'll give up in a second. I know Jeff.

He'll need to go to the toilet in about another two rings.

(ringing continues)

(ringing stops)

- We're answering the phone. - We are not answering the phones.

- You all right, Moss? - I've got the blues, Jen.

Why?

Well, Roy and I are becoming like an old married couple.

Will you please stop saying that? And I'm the husband!

We just seem to do the same thing day in, day out.

I'm stagnating, Jen, like a packet of crisps on the roof.

It seems to me the problem is that you two spend too much time together.

You should get out there and meet other people.

Other people?

Yes.

- You mean people other than Roy? - Well, yes.

And these "other people", where do they congregate?

I don't know, you could try and do an evening class.

Whoa, whoa, hold on a second now. And what exactly am I supposed to do

while she's out gallivanting at her night classes and whatnot?

- Well, you could meet other people as well. - Yeah... I don't like people.

Oh, well, now, that's not fair, Roy. Have you met all of them?

I've met enough of them.

People! What a bunch of bastards.

(phone rings)

Stephanie. Yes, hello.

Oh, of course. OK. Bye.

Ooh. I'm off.

- Douglas is coming down. - Douglas? Why?

Well, to be honest with you, he's been making advances.

You know, little things like asking me if I wanna go for a ride in his helicopter.

- Oh, I'd like to go for a ride in a helicopter. - Well, grow a pair of tits.

Tell you what, if I did have tits I wouldn't mind letting someone have a go on them

for a ride in a helicopter.

Look who it is, everyone. It's only me.

Jen, do you have a moment?

No, I don't, I'm very busy. I don't wanna go for a ride in the helicopter.

That wasn't what I was gonna ask, actually.

- What do you want, then? - Um...

Something, uh, work-related.

- What department is this? - Sorry?

Well, if it's work-related then obviously you'll know what department this is.

What department is this?

Some sort of, uh... homosexual department?

- IT! It's IT! - IT!

I knew that, yes. That's what I wanted, actually.

You see, my computer's broken and I need someone to fix it.

- Roy's your man. - Oh.

How you fellas get any work done with a hot piece of finger-licking chicken like that.

Me, I'd be a 24-hour tripod.

What's this? It looks good.

Um... yeah. I've actually been really looking forward to seeing this.

Yeah? You wanna come round to mine? We can watch it there.

I've got a pretty nifty home cinema system.

Um... well, mine is broken, but I think that maybe I'll just watch it...

Well, excellent. That's settled then. Seven o'clock tonight.

I'll get my PA to phone you with my name and address.

Ciao.

Whoa, there. That's not my office. Ciao.

Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. And I'm the gander!

(distant howling)

(Eastern European accent) I hear the ballet in Prague is excellent this season.

- Hello, Jorg. - Hello, Jen.

Terrible, isn't it? Every year it gets worse.

(Eastern European accent) First they take away our smoking room,

then they push us outside.

I wonder when they will decide just to get it over with and kill us.

Oh, Jorg, such a pessimist.

- Has he gone? - Has who gone?

- Bruce Wayne. - Oh, he's long gone.

Although Roy's got a man date with him.

It is not a man date. I am not a man-woman.

We are not married. I am not your wife!

- You'd willingly spend time with Douglas? - I really have to see this film soon.

(phone rings)

Oh, by the way, I took your advice about those evening classes.

- I'm going to learn how to cook. - Oh, I'm so pleased, Moss.

And I have to say, women do love a cook.

Well, answered an ad online.

This time next month, when you want German cuisine, I'm your man.

- German cuisine? - Is German cuisine not good?

No. Sounds fine.

There's nothing more romantic than a glass of wine and some Schweinefleisch.

Good, because usually when I try something new it ends up a disaster.

Oh!

(German accent) I got a reply to my advertisement.

Maurice Moss.

Mm. He sounds delicious!

(maniacal laughter)

(plays dramatic music)

(doorbell: "The Birdie Song")

Ah! Guten Abend! I mean, hello.

- Hello. I'm Moss. - Yes, yes, yes. I'm Johann. Come in, come in.

- Oh. Nice TV. - Ah.

Good distance from the sofa.

Um... Would you... would you like a drink?

- Oh, yes. White Russian, please. - I don't know that. How do you make that?

I don't know.

- Well, we might as well get to it. - Really? Gosh. So eager, so brave.

Well, you know, once I've made up my mind to do something, that's it.

Oh, that's very admirable.

So, really, just do whatever you want with me. I'm ready for anything.

Ah!

Well, right. Ah, well... I suppose...

- Take your clothes off and we'll get started. - Right.

- So, how long does this course last? - Uh, sorry?

- How long does this course last? - Course? What course?

- Hang on. Take my clothes off? - Yes.

- Sorry. I'm confused. - Well, so am I.

- What did you think this was? - Well... I was going to eat you.

I may have misheard you there. Did you just say that you were going to eat me?

- Yes. - Right, you did say that.

Yes.

- Yeah, no, I'm here for the cookery. - No, no, no, this is the cookery.

- Look, I've got your advert here. - Yes.

- I printed it out. - Yes.

- "I want to cook with you." - Ah, no, no. My English is not so good. Um...

Oh, right!

You want to cook with me, using me, you mean.

- Ah, yes! Yes! You see? - Yes, yes.

I see where the confusion was. I thought this was a cookery course.

No, no.

But you were looking for someone who would agree to let you kill and eat them.

Ja. Ja.

- You see? - That is funny.

Ja.

So... you're not interested?

Oh, no, thanks very much. It's not for me.

How disappointing.

I'm sorry, Johann. This must be such a letdown.

Ohh! I had my tonsils out last month. I could've kept them.

Oh!

I feel like such a turnip.

- Do you want to watch a film? - OK.

- I have Ocean's Eleven. - Original or remake?

Well, yeah, you could come over here.

We could put on some music, I could give you a back rub, see what happens.

Oh, no, wait, I've got this guy coming over to watch a DVD.

Another time, maybe. OK.

Oh, and some chicken wings, please. Thank you.

- (doorbell) - Ah!

(chants) There's somebody at the door. There's somebody at the door.

There's somebody at the door.

Hey, it's my G.

Um... I'm really sorry I was late. It was...

It's cool, dude. Hey, you know, we should do this sort of thing more often.

I hate the whole boss/employee thing, don't you?

Yeah.

You wanna seal the deal with a high-five?

Yes.

So, what are we watching?

It's a Tarantino-produced South Korean zombie movie.

Wow, I didn't know there was a South Korea. OK, put it on.

I've ordered pizza and chicken wings,

and there's a cooler beside you, so help yourself to beer.

Don't mind if I do.

(atmospheric music)

Oh, I've heard of this flick. There's a twist in it, isn't there?

Yeah. Just... just try and forget that

and hopefully we'll still be able to enjoy it.

I bet he's a woman, that bloke.

No, you think it's the future but it's actually set in the past.

It's not Earth. It's all a dream.

Oh, could you not... could you... Could you not try and guess what the twist is?

It's just that might get a little annoying.

But isn't that half the fun, trying to guess the twist?

Uh... Personally, I think it... it kind of... it ruins the fun.

- Well, I think it makes it more fun. - It's just I don't.

(Irish accent) Well, I do.

And I'm the boss.

I'm your boss.

(imitates gunshot)

They're all clones. He's his own brother.

Everyone's a ghost.

- Have you still not seen the film yet? - No!

- What's that? - What?

It's cold, and I'm going out for a cigarette.

Morning. Oh, you must be Jen's mother.

- What a night I had last night. - Oh, yes, the cookery. How was it?

- I am so embarrassed, I cannot tell you. - (Roy and Jen laugh)

- What happened? - It wasn't a cookery class at all.

What was it?

He wrote it down wrong cos his English isn't very good.

Always the way.

And it turns out he didn't want to teach me how to cook,

he wanted to cook me.

What?

He wanted to eat me.

I know - egg and my face were in alignment.

- He wanted to eat you? - Yes.

(gasps)

He's one of those German cannibals.

- He is, and he was such a nice man. - Oh, was he?

Yeah. He was a fine young cannibal.

- Hang on, hang on, h-he wanted to eat you? - Yeah, keep up, Jen.

So we had a laugh about it, and in the end, I didn't really feel like being eaten

so we just watched Ocean's Eleven.

- Ah. Original or remake? - Is that really the most important question?

I... Hang on. You watched a... you watched a film with him?

- Yes. - With the man that wanted to eat you?

- Who else are we talking about? - Why didn't you call the police?

- The police? Why would I call the police? - He wanted to eat you!

Only with my consent and, believe me, my consent was not forthcoming.

- Good for you, Moss. - But...

- Eating people is illegal. - Only without their consent.

- No, Moss. No, no, no. - It's a grey area, give me that.

I knew something was askew. Whoever heard of German food?

But you should see his place, it's incredible. He's got a great system, 5O-inch TV.

Really?

Maybe we could watch the film at his place.

Oh, I don't know, Roy. He's only really interested in people he can eventually eat.

Oh. Tell him he can eat me.

Are... are you insane? You've got to call the police.

Oh, Jen, don't be such an old fuddy-duddy. The world has changed.

If two grown men can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes

in order to watch a film about zombies,

then maybe we should all just move to Iran.

I don't know, Roy. It does seem a little immoral to mislead him.

But, then, as Jen pointed out earlier, being a cannibal's a little immoral too.

I'm in an ethical pickle.

Turns out meeting new people is a lot more complicated than I'd originally thought.

- (whispers) Jen. - Jorg.

What are you doing? You cannot smoke here.

- They are moving us to a new smoking area. - Oh, so the rumours were true.

Come quick, before they see you.

- Jen, what are you doing? - It's over, Jorg.

We must fight them, Jen. We must all fight them.

We must keep smoking until the bitter end.

Jorg.

Jorg, such fire.

I am too tired for revolution.

And we've walked (bleep) miles.

Goodbye, Jorg.

Taxi!

(doorbell: "The Birdie Song")

- Let's not fight again. - No.

- And, look, we're out, we're meeting people. - Yes.

Oh.

- You were a bit wonky. - Thanks, dear.

Hello!

- Hello! How wonderful! - Johann, this is Roy. Roy, this is Johann.

Hello, Johann. I brought dessert.

Ah! Come in, come in.

Ja.

- (Roy) Oh, this is lovely. - Yes. Yes. Lovely.

- (Roy) Oh, isn't this nice? - Yeah.

OK, so we'll watch the film and then I'll just tell him I changed my mind.

- Ah! - Lovely, isn't it?

Oh, wow. Now that's a guitar.

So, Roy, h-has Moss explained to you my, um... desires?

- He has indeed. - And are you interested?

- I'm very interested. - Ah, splendid!

Moss, if you will excuse us.

- Do you eat in here? - Yes, this way, please.

But, Roy, didn't you want to watch this film that I have here?

Oh, I'd completely forgotten.

There was that film that I wanted to watch before Johann ate me.

- That's right. - There it is there now.

- Yes. - So, you... so, you want to watch a film?

- Yes, thanks. - Is that OK?

- Uh... Yes, yes, of course. - I'll put it on.

Is it very long?

- Two hours 2O. - Oh!

Hm... No, I'll wait.

- You wouldn't steal a handbag... - These piracy warnings!

- (mouth full) I know! Very bad. - (doorbell)

Oh, what now?

You wouldn't shoot a policeman and then steal his helmet...

- Hello, there. - Yes? Can I help you?

- Police! Don't move! - Don't move!

If my mother thinks I'm a cannibal, I'll be for the high jump.

Oh, for once can we please not bring your mother into it?

- Oh, here we go again. - (door slams)

Well, boys...

we're in a bit of a sticky situation, aren't we?

Where did you get this film?

This is an illegal copy of a film.

(Roy) Um...

Are you not worried that we might be cannibals?

Cannibals?

The man who was with us is a cannibal. He was going to eat me.

Well, it's not really my area. I do copyright violation, that sort of thing.

But I'll let someone know, thanks. Anyway...

Where did you get this?

Interesting film.

Who'd have thought at the end that bloke turned out to be the... Oof!

(plays "The IT Crowd" theme tune)

(applause/cheering)

(man) Bravo!

Bravo!