Original subtitles

There's nothing left to do here. We're going to need some help here.

We got to call the cops, the FBI, the CIA.

[Announcer] Tonight on Simon & Simon...

Get rid of it before it gets rid of you.

Ever try and reconstruct an entire murder scene from an earlobe?

Tell me there's no objectionable portion of the human anatomy in that box.

Believe me, I never thought it would get this heavy.

Everybody be cool.

We think they're working for the Eastern Bloc.

I don't care if you're talking about the whole Red Army.

They have my brother!

If things get really tough, I may have to take you out.

♪♪ [theme]

[Man on P.A. system, indistinct]

Flight 210 from Las Vegas is now arriving

at Gate 35.

[continues, indistinct]

Have a nice flight. Bye now. Have a nice flight.

Uh, excuse me, Officer.

I'm unfamiliar with this airport.

Before I get lost, let me see if I've got my directions straight.

That concourse I just came down... that's Concourse B?

[Officer] Yes, it is.

- Uh, thank you. - Yep.

[P.A. continues]

Hey, do you realize I had two guys following me

all the way to the airport?

It's okay. I lost them.

I just wish you'd told me. That's all.

Don't worry. Our little friend's fine.

But I don't think it's a good idea to take him along to Vegas.

I'm going to park him here with friends

and catch a later flight out tonight.

All arriving passengers must pick up their baggage

at the east end of the airport.

You go check all the flights to Vegas.

Kelley and I'll go shake Heller till he spills.

Package got to wind up sooner or later in Vegas.

You better make sure it winds up in the right hands, pal.

Anybody gets in the way, they're a statistic. All right. Go.

Relax. These guys are pros. They're private investigators.

I'll go to Vegas, scope out the deal.

And if it's okay, they'll deliver the package to me up there.

Heller, I've known him for years.

They're like brothers.

One of them will wrestle any man in the house for five bucks.

The other, he'll yell, "Give him the five,"

Yeah. We lose contact, you call them.

Rick and A.J. Simon.

♪ I'm going to wait till the stars come out ♪

♪ To see that twinkle in your eyes ♪

♪ I'm going to wait till the midnight hour ♪

♪ That's when my love begins to shine ♪

♪ You're the only girl I know ♪

♪ That really loves the show ♪

♪ In the midnight hour ♪

[radio off]

[saw stops]

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I could hear you halfway down the block.

Do you know what time it is?

A.J., where have you been?

You will not believe the deal I got on these tools for us, man.

You know Cheryl, the beautician lives out near the airport?

She's got a cousin... Ronny. He's a carpenter.

Well, anyhow, business been kind of slow,

so he turns to burglary part time, right?

He gets popped, he needs money for a lawyer.

Got the whole set for 200 bucks.

- "We," paleface? - Oh, yeah.

Well, I was a little short,

so I took a hundred out of petty cash from the office.

But I figured what the hell. Somebody offers you Manhattan,

you cough up the 24 bucks, right?

[sighs]

All right.

Now, I'm not upset about the money.

- Good. - Because you are going to pay that back.

- Ah-ah. Our tools. - I'm not upset about the tools,

because, conceivably, they might come in handy someday.

There you go.

What I am upset about...

is you turning my living room into a...

Hey, I put down a drop cloth.

Did you happen to notice

that they were designer sheets?

No. I noticed they were in the laundry.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Rick, do you...

lie awake at night dreaming these things up,

or does it just sort of come to you in visions?

Okay, okay. I'll have this place looking like a motel again in ten minutes.

[sighs] What are you building, anyway?

Nothing. I was just kind of practicing.

Practicing?

Yeah, you know. Get the feel of the tools and...

Practicing?

[knocking on door]

Somebody at the door.

Yes, I know.

Probably the happy villagers come to burn the castle down.

It's amazing what a Skilsaw in the middle of the night will do

to transform an otherwise tranquil community

into a bunch of frothing lunatics.

Speaking of which,

it's a first for you, Jerry.

As a coroner, you have probably never arrived

on the scene of the crime before the murder.

How you doing, Jerry? How about a shooter?

You know, kind of wash out the graveyard shift.

Thanks, but actually, I didn't come here to play.

I came here to congratulate you guys.

For what?

You just won a free trip to Las Vegas.

Travel arrangements and promotional considerations

courtesy of the good-doing Dr. J.

I think you already had a couple of shooters.

All you have to do is sit on this thing

for a couple of days, no questions asked,

and it's viva Las Vegas to you and the brother of your choice.

[exhales forcefully]

What's in it?

That's a question.

- You smell formaldehyde on his breath? - Mm-hmm.

Look, it's not drugs or anything illegal.

It's just a little business venture I'm involved in.

Jerry, if you're in some kind of trouble...

Trouble? If everything goes well,

I'm going to be in a new tax bracket.

Hell, maybe I'll retire.

Tahiti. Sure beats tagging the big toe.

I thought you liked it at the morgue.

The bloom is off the lily.

Ah.

Ever try and reconstruct an entire murder scene

from an earlobe?

Not lately.

Now, come on. Are you guys with me on this one or not?

I'd like to sleep on it.

[object rattles]

Come on.

[gunshots continue]

Go, go, go!

Oh!

[Woman] Good morning. Sahara Las Vegas.

Yes. Is Jerry Reiner in yet, please?

No, he's not.

Could I leave a message for him?

Would you tell him that Mother Hen called,

and we had a couple of foxes in the coop last night?

He's got a couple of mad, wet hens

who would like to talk to him right away.

Now have you got all that, or do you want to read it back to me?

Hey, mister, I'm no idiot.

Two guys broke into your place and didn't get what they came for,

right?

- Um, thank you. - You're welcome.

He's probably having a good time at the tables.

We're playing tag with strangers in the night.

You might wanna pick up on this.

This is Fred Heller.

[phone rings]

- Hello? - Hello.

Is Fred Heller there?

Yeah, who's this?

May I speak to him?

Well, he's sort of on his way out.

Give me a name and number and I'll get back to you.

Uh...

No, I'm gonna be on the road all day.

I'll just try and get in touch with him later.

Are you sure there's no message?

I mean if it's important,

you can tell me what you wanna talk to him about.

That's all right, Officer.

I just wanna talk to him. Is that okay?

I'm afraid not. This is Lieutenant Feeling with homicide.

You're in a slight problem, here.

Fred Heller's dead.

Now, you better tell me who this is.

Uh, hello?

Hello?

I'm sorry, hello?

Hello?

I can't hear you. Could you speak up, please?

I can't hear ya. I can't hear you.

Got a bad connection.

A video game?

It is a video game.

You know, I wish we could serve this whole mess to police.

Let them digest it.

[Rick] Eh, they'll eat Jerry alive.

I tell ya, when we find him,

he better have some answers here

or he's gonna wind up working on himself.

Stupid game.

Don't feel bad.

Nobody over the age of 12 can win at that thing.

When I was 12, I had something different.

Remember, my frog collection?

Anyway, I beat this thing, nine times out of ten.

Must've been programmed by Doris Fesntermacher. It's a pushover.

Maybe it's playing possum,

lulling you into a false sense of complacency.

It's lulling me into boredom.

I've played coin returns that were more fun.

Why would anybody kill over a thing like this?

Look at this. This four speed doesn't even work.

You push super kill, what do you get?

Alphabet soup.

Well, I think you better forget that little game,

'cause we are now entering the big casino.

Oh, yeah.

[Rick] You know, as long as we're here,

there's no reason we can't kick back a little bit.

Play a little craps, take in a couple of shows.

There's one I wouldn't mind seeing.

Wayne Newton? You don't like Wayne Newton.

What, the Wayner? Are you kidding me?

"Danke Shoen," one of my all-time favorites.

Well especially when sung to the accompaniment

of a 60 half-naked chorus girls.

All-naked chorus girls.

Thank you.

Here we go.

[engine revs]

Whoa, hey, buddy.

Treat it like Liberace's piano, all right?

Yes, sir.

Liberace's piano?

Is that another favorite?

You ever gonna play "Moonlight Sonata"?

Thank you.

- Hi. - Hello.

Tell us what room Jerry Reiner's in, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, but we don't give out

that kind of information on our registered guests.

Uh, you'll have to use the house phone.

Well, see, we already tried that,

and he's not answering...

And see, he's supposed to meet us down here

at that seminar on management trainees,

and I'm getting a little worried about him

'cause of that heart condition of his.

Well, it's probably not that at all.

I mean, I'm sure he's just in the shower or something.

Really, we're just gun shy.

Ever since that Knights of Columbus meeting we had.

- Where was that, Columbus? - Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, you know, and you had to call the paramedics and everything.

That poor man was just as blue as you can be.

I never did think I was gonna get him warmed up.

Uh, Mr. Reiner is in room 5136.

[both] 51... 36.

- 5136. - Thanks very much.

Sure do appreciate this.

[knocking]

You know, it is possible he has someone in there.

I don't care if he's got

a whole ladies fast-pitch softball team in there.

Aw, boy.

Well, let's see. We're looking at one of two things.

Either it was one hell of a party,

or it was a gangland slang.

Maybe room service didn't like the tip he left them.

Rick.

Oh, no.

He was in the shower.

At least he's not dead.

He was together enough to patch himself up,

get some first aid.

Towel's almost dry.

Probably split here in the night.

Ah, he might still be in the neighborhood.

If I were him, I'd hide out in a crowd.

[crowd chatters]

Insurance?

[sighs]

Thank you very much, sir.

$300 in 10 minutes is a new land speed record.

You wouldn't lose so much

if you'd just hedge your bets.

It's against my religion.

You know, I've seen about a hundred guys in here who look like Jerry.

You know, there's enough hairspray and gold chains

in this place to make a suspension bridge.

Still no sign of him.

I think we oughta try some other part of the hotel.

Jerry's not a gambler.

He hired us, didn't he?

Aren't you finished yet?

I could lose my job for letting you up here.

You could lose a lot more than that,

if you don't stop interrupting me.

Sure, anything you say.

All right, I've got what I want.

You can have your eye back.

Well, can't find Jerry.

Maybe we can find out what he came here to do.

Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist

to figure out he's trying to unload this little baby.

No, but to whom?

Uh... Ah, here's a good place to begin.

Oh.

Okay, well, let's see.

I think we can safely rule out the Rotarians.

Yep.

Uh, ditto, the Western Council of Churches.

- Yep. - Ditto, the Lights of the South.

Here's a possibility.

North American Alliance of Electrical Engineers.

And we're talking about an electrical gadget, right?

- Mm-hmm. - What do you think?

Oh, uh... Well, I think I got it.

The International Toy Manufacturers.

Yeah, but they don't show up until next week.

Yeah, that doesn't mean some of the guys

aren't gonna show up a little early.

- You know, get a little jump on the competition... - Rick.

- Maybe Jerry's out... - Rick.

What?

Remember the two duffers I told you about?

- Yeah. - Well, they are coming up the fairway right now.

They've got an extra caddy, and you can bet

- they're packing a lot of irons. Tee off. - Four.

They still back there?

Oh, yes. They're there.

- Over here. - Where?

[PA Announcer] Miss Ruth Eagle,

your taxi is waiting at the main entrance.

Miss Ruth Eagle.

Hi, Bob.

- Oh, hi. - Jim Payne.

- Hi. - Charleston, West Virginia.

Hi, Jim.

Sister Mary Grace Cattalane?

[nervous laugh]

Um, if you run into a nice lady all dressed in black,

named George Hammond, will you tell her

she's got my name tag?

Good afternoon, Sahara, Las Vegas.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

The hotel does not have a resident psychiatrist.

However, I can give you the phone number

of the suicide prevention center.

Got a pencil?

555-6789.

You're welcome.

Now, have a nice day. [chuckles]

Oh, you were saying?

Oh, yeah... I was saying,

it's not every day that you get to meet

a famous American historical figure like...

U.S. Grant.

Now, Ulysses here would just love to go home with you,

but first of all, we need a favor.

Now, listen here, fellas.

I don't know what bellboy sent you down here.

But, you're definitely barking up the wrong tree.

Oh, no, no.

Uh, you misunderstood.

We need a small, clerical favor.

Sorry, I don't know any priests.

No, um... A friend of ours,

is in a lot of trouble.

Now, the only way we can help this friend,

is by finding out exactly what calls he made

while staying here.

His name is Jerry Reiner.

Room 5136.

Wait a minute.

You guys must be the wet hens.

Okay.

Uh-uh, there it is.

Boy, your friend must be in a lot of trouble.

He's a desperate man.

Why?

Well, Mr. Reiner made five phone calls,

all to the same place.

The Appaloosa Ranch.

[Rick giggles]

What's so funny about a guy calling a ranch?

[laughs]

Oh, nothing. Only, this ranch has a little different

livestock, if you follow me.

At the Appaloosa,

the guests spend more time in the bunk house

than they do out on the range.

Oh.

[woman laughs]

This doesn't make any sense.

I mean, why would Jerry

come all the way out here,

when the same services are offered back in town

with a lot more style?

Very weird.

Ah, what do you expect from a guy

who faces death every day with a grin on his face

and a pair of carpet shears?

Besides, there's no guarantee we're even gonna find him.

We could be making this long, lonely drive for nothing.

Oh, I can think of something.

Ah, come on. No, Rick.

We cannot stop for her.

We are in the middle of a case.

And she's in the middle of nowhere.

- Hi. - Hi.

I didn't think anybody was gonna stop.

Oh, are you kidding? You're stuck out here,

in the middle of nowhere.

Here, hop in. We'll get you to a phone.

Thanks.

You know, most guys traveling this road

are in too big a hurry to stop.

No, we're in no hurry. I can tell you that.

Just going down here to see a friend of ours.

Oh, one of the ranch hands?

No, one of the happy guests.

What are you doing on this piece of road?

I'm with the biology department at the University.

- Really? - Yeah, I came out here to catch a few lizards,

and the only thing I caught was a broken radiator.

Oh.

You know I've been in Vegas for five years.

And this is the first bum luck I've had?

Well, you're bad luck is our good luck.

Otherwise we'd have never met.

Thanks.

You know, if you're gonna be in town for a few days,

maybe I can return the favor

and buy you dinner.

I'd like that.

How you fixed for French restaurants around here?

We eat French all the time.

I was thinking maybe, you know,

like a nice prime rib, baked potato,

bottle of red wine.

Well, thanks again.

You're very welcome.

Hey, you know, we'd be happy to give you a ride back.

We're not gonna be here that long.

Oh, no thanks.

I don't wanna wear out my welcome with you guys.

There's a payphone right over there,

and I'll give the auto club a phone call.

They'll send a tow truck out here

a lot faster than they would out by my car.

I'm sure they will.

I tell you what,

This is good for one free dinner,

on the town that never sleeps.

We'll be in touch.

Hey, thank you.

Give you a call, soon as we're through our business.

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

"We can't stop for her, Rick.

"We're in the middle of a case."

Well,

You were right, it was the gentlemanly

thing to do.

[Woman] Yeah, this is Ethel!

What's your pleasure, boys?

Uh...

Well, actually, ma'am,

we're, uh... Looking, uh,

Looking for a fellow.

Then you just wasted seven gallons worth of high octane,

'cause the only men out here

are these boys.

My boys.

- Oh. - Hey, guys.

Uh, no, no, no.

You don't understand.

We're trying...

We're trying to help a friend of ours,

and we thought he might be hiding out here.

Uh, yeah, does the name Jerry Reiner ring any bells with you?

It just might ring your two bells

if you don't leave right now.

Uh, it's okay, Ethel.

I've, uh, never been happier to see two guys

all my life.

- Great Scott. - What happened to you?

It's a long story.

Heller's dead?

How'd it happen?

That's your department.

And you'd better tell us what's going on.

Yeah, if you don't level with us,

we're gonna feed you to the lie detectors

and the rubber hoses back in town.

Believe me, I never thought it would get this heavy.

Although, I should have known when room service

sent up those goons who tried to scramble my eggs.

I'm lucky.

Ethel and I have a mutual friend.

A local coroner.

Ethel's has the best security in town.

The, uh, goons... A salt and pepper set?

Yeah, same guys who tailed me to the airport in San Diego.

[both] That what?

You think they roughed you up?

Wait 'til you see what we're gonna do to you.

Wait, you mean that you knew when you hired us

that you were being followed and you didn't bother to say anything?

I thought I had everything under control.

[Rick laughs]

Okay, so it was dumb.

Dumb.

Now, what is so special about a simple kid's toy

that gets one guy put down

and three other's on the menu?

It's a prototype for a new game.

It's not on the market yet.

Hallo was a computer engineer.

He came up with a hot new design.

But, he wouldn't sell to any of the major toy companies over here.

He was gonna make a deal with the Japanese.

The whole transaction had to be kept under wraps.

So, he said he'd cut me in for a percentage

if I could pull off the deal.

Nobody knows me.

I slip in, contact the middle man,

ha-ha, make the exchange...

Bingo. 10 percent of a couple of million.

Just how well did you know Heller?

Not real well.

Ahh.

He serviced the computers up in motor vehicles.

Met him in City Hall cafeteria a few times.

Jerry, what is the date on your birth certificate, yesterday?

Hey, it sounded like a good deal at the time.

When are you supposed to contact the middle man.

Uh, it's set for tonight.

I'm supposed to meet him at the lounge

in the Eagle Inn at 8:30.

[A.J. on tape] Who else knows about

this meeting besides you and the middleman.

Heller. He's the one who set everything up to begin with.

He gave me the name of the guy to contact.

[A.J.] Well, I'll tell ya,

there's more to this little game

than meets the old hand-eye.

[Rick] Yeah, I wish I'd spent more of my Saturday mornings

with Mr. Wizard than The Cisco Kid.

Take that thing apart and figure out what makes it tick.

[Jerry] We need a computer expert.

[laughter]

No sweat. Call Ethel.

[A.J.] Aren't computers just a little out of her line?

Nothing is out of her line.

[Rick] When I die, this is where I wanna go.

Arnie, thanks a lot for this favor.

Ethel will really appreciate it.

She'll repay it.

Boy, so you run the whole show from up here?

I mean the special effects,

all that... The computer does it all?

Not everything.

The most dazzling effects in this show

come from a different breed of solid state.

Okay, let's see what we got here.

You never know what you'll find 'til you look under the hood.

That's what I always say.

Oh.

[whistles]

I don't think I wanna be looking at this, guys.

What are you talking about?

- See this little doohickey here? - Mm-hmm.

You can go to the moon on it.

The other three speeds are just part of the game,

but this fourth one... Super kill.

Yeah.

That's a good name for it, all right.

This gobbledygook is a series of binary numbers

arranged in a code.

Uh-huh. I take it we're talking about

a technology that's a little bit more advanced than Pac-Man.

Yeah. We're talking ULSI.

We are?

Ultra Large Scale Integration.

Ah, ah-ha.

Normally, a little game like this will have about

20 thousand transistors on a chip.

This little baby looks like about a million.

Sells for it, too, huh?

Are you kidding? Huh-uh.

This thing couldn't be for sale.

My guess is it was shoplifted from a hardwires store

owned by a nice old man with a long white beard

who's into Stars and Stripes Forever.

- You want a little friendly advice, guys. - Okay.

Get rid of it before it gets rid of you.

Okay.

The chip. The chip, I believe.

Gas station up there.

It'll give us directions to the Federal Building.

Are you crazy?

We turn this over to them now,

and I'll have my choice of murder or treason.

I'll be away so far, they'll have to pump daylight to me.

What do you want us to do, join you?

Look, um, nobody knows about this,

except the middle man and the other party.

Before we go to the feds, we gotta flush 'em out.

They killed Howler.

They're the only ones that can clear me.

We continue with the game plan.

They'll show up again, I'm sure of it.

That's the kind of logic that comes with a vitamin deficiency.

- Beats going to the feds. - [radio static]

A case like this,

Uncle Sam shoots first and forgets later.

Come in, come in.

Waters fine.

A little hot, but it's just fine.

[laughing] But seriously, folks,

we hope you're enjoying the lovely Eagle Inn.

[dummy] Yeah, please forgive the construction in the lobby.

[laughs] We're not saying the rooms here are small, but...

You gotta go in the hall to change your mind.

- That's right. - Hey, your lips are moving.

Hey, Bergen's lips moved. Nobody minded.

Yeah, he was on the radio. Who the hell cared?

Hey, listen, one more crack out of you,

and I'll have you laminated.

That's more like it.

That's what your girlfriend told me last night

after you went to sleep.

Listen, what do you know about girlfriend's, anyway?

I don't know which is worse,

having guys trying to kill you in the middle of the night,

or having to watch this.

Oh, at least in the next act I understand

it's a blonde and her singing German shepherd.

Oh, terrific.

All we need is Joel Grey, a little black lace,

and we'll have it all.

And the only one who's made contact with Jerry's

been his waitress.

Listen, um, we could play the big rooms, I guess.

But we like the intimacy of the crowd here.

Uh, ladies, what are my bids for this key, huh?

- Hot and cold running... - Hey, give me that.

- That's my trunk key. - Oh, no you don't.

How 'bout over here? Anybody over here, lady?

No, she's not gonna take it. There's no ladies.

Let's try over here.

I don't think so. You're not gonna find anybody.

Meet me here in an hour after the show.

I don't know why I hang around with this guy.

He's a lousy conversationalist,

the food stinks,

and the pay I could cash in or bust.

What's wrong with the pay, Humphrey?

I take care of your room and board.

Are you kidding? My room is a suitcase.

What about the board?

You're looking at it.

You didn't tell me you were bringing someone.

It's okay, Humph.

Sorry, Humph's just a little paranoid.

You're down right.

And if any of them are packing heat,

bring 'em up here to me right now,

or I'm walking.

Come on, guys. Humor him.

That's better. I feel more comfortable on stage.

On the piano.

Thank you.

Now, why don't you join me over here, gentlemen.

I'd like to see the merchandise, please.

[beeps]

You don't get to peek inside

until we see the color of your money.

Wait'll they find out it's all in yen.

It's a small joke.

What do you want from plywood, Richard Prior?

Here's a bookmark.

Go lose yourself for about an hour,

or we're gonna park you in the cheap seats,

permanently.

Come on.

I don't think our Japanese clients

would appreciate your little jokes, Humphrey.

Then again, once they get their hands on

that game, I guess they'll have the last laugh.

I take it you know just how special this item is?

He wouldn't know the difference between that and a hairdryer.

Humph's right. I don't wanna know.

We're just the brokers, like you.

Everybody be cool.

[gun fires]

Rick?

Rick?

[chatter]

This is all my fault, and I'm sorry.

But, there's nothing left to do.

We gotta have some help here.

We gotta call the cops the FBI, the CIA...

Jerry, if you were trying to save someone in the ward,

the last thing you'd do is kick and scream.

Now, if you wanna have an anxiety attack,

go out in the parking lot, 'cause I gotta think.

Sorry guys, you didn't give me a chance to tell you

that the chip wasn't in there.

[spits]

Now there you go again.

You keep beating on me, now how are we ever gonna

establish a meaningful relationship?

We'll keep working on that. Don't you worry.

You're gonna wind up begging me to ask you

where that chip is.

They don't have the chip, so Rick is still okay.

My guess is that I'll get in touch,

they try and set up an exchange.

Listen, I know we gotta get Rick back.

But I mean, do we just hand it over to them?

They could be anybody, Russians, terrorists...

And once the trade is made,

they could try to double cross.

I heard about your brother.

I guess it's your turn for a run at bum luck.

Biologist, at the state University, huh?

What the hell is going on, here?

I'm Laura Reynolds, Jerry.

I hope you don't mind the familiarity,

but I've been with you for over a month now.

Ever since Heller first made contact.

- Who are you? - One of the good guys.

How do I know that?

I'm wearing white, aren't I?

I tell you what,

we don't usually carry business cards,

but I tell you what you can do.

You can get on the phone and call your friend,

Janet Fowler, in San Diego. Somebody's been talking to her.

Well, this is getting us nowhere.

Maybe this will help.

When you were a kid, you ever swap baseball cards?

I mean, you know, when you weren't out picking on somebody half your size?

It seems to me like you guys sitting here on Whitey Ford,

A.J. and Jerry are looking at Mickey Mantle.

Seems to me like an easy trade.

Okay, thank you, Janet.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

No, I don't want to call Washington.

No, I'll tell you later. Let me call you back, okay?

We're in a little hot water here, all right?

Right.

Well, now that you know who I am,

I think you'd better give me the chip if you've got it.

I have it.

And I intend to hang onto it,

and use it for all it's worth until I get my brother back.

That's fine, we can help you.

You give me the chip, and we'll see that the local authorities...

No... Do everything they can to kill him?

I know how they spell finesse,

It's S-W-A-T.

There's just one thing you guys are loyal to

and that's your job.

We give you that chip, you walk away,

and A.J. here becomes and instant only child.

I don't think you understand.

That chip in the wrong hands could orphan New York City.

Or Leningrad?

There are no wrong hands, only wrong minds.

There are enough idiots on both sides

to turn the whole world into a nuclear video game.

Look, A.J., I didn't make the rules, all right?

But I know enough to know we've gotta have

11 guys on the field or we forfeit the game.

Yeah, well I'm not playing the game.

Oh, yes, you're playing the game.

You just don't know about it, and you're in way over your head.

I'm not talking about some small fry like the ventriloquist.

You know about him?

Of course we knew about him.

We picked up on him five minutes after

Heller stole the chip.

We're after the other guys.

We think they're working for the Eastern Bloc,

and A.J., if you ride bareback after them they're gonna burn you.

I don't care if you're talking about the whole Red Army.

They have my brother!

I'll give you the chip... in 24 hours.

I'm sorry, I can't go with that.

Well then you can't go at all.

And lady, don't you dare try and stop me.

Because if you do, I will walk

all the way to Washington D.C.,

and I will talk to a lot of people on the way.

All right, okay.

But you gotta let me ride shotgun.

That's fine, you wanna call up the cavalry,

fine with me.

They're gonna wanna make a trade,

so maybe we can set 'em up.

I am the cavalry.

It's a very tricky operation

and we can't call out the brass band.

Well, what can you call out?

Very little firepower and absolutely no visibility.

But if things get tough, I can try and back you up.

If things get really tough,

I may have to take you out.

But for right now, you've gotta trust me enough

to show me that chip.

You're good.

[phone rings]

Let's hope they're not better.

Yes?

A.J., guess who.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, we're getting along just fine.

Matter of fact, later on,

we'll probably all just pile into the station wagon

and go catch Barry Manilow's late show.

- Look, Rick... - Just shut up and listen.

Tomorrow at dawn,

the deserted road south of the Hoover Damn.

You bring what we want,

we'll have something for you.

Wheel's turning. Let's place our bets.

I think we're a little early for the tour.

I understand it's well worth the wait, though.

If your friend doesn't get here in about five minutes,

you're gonna get a personal tour.

A lot to see on your way down...

If you look fast.

Maybe you'd like to join me.

[car approaching]

Try anything funny and Humpty Dumpty there has a big fall.

Dawson, shake him down.

Let's get on with it.

Where's the chip?

Get him away from the edge first.

That's okay, A.J. I kind of like it up here.

Great view.

The chip.

We can do this all day.

First, you get him away from the edge,

then I show you the chip.

You wanna see how fast he'll go away?

'Cause you're gonna in about two seconds if I don't see that chip.

Cute.

Now, spit it out and hand it to me.

First, you get him away from the edge.

Otherwise I'll just swallow the chip.

And then we can go through the whole thing again in 12 hours.

[laughs]

[car approaches]

Don't get nervous, boys.

[chatter inside car]

No funny business.

Let the old geezers go away,

and then we'll take care of business.

How much you gonna make out of this deal?

Enough to get me a bus ticket to the next century.

If there is one after you and your friends

are through blowing up the world?

Hey, I'm a businessman.

Not the Secretary of State.

[bickering]

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was wondering if you could direct me to Hoover Damn.

- Hoover Damn. - You're looking at it.

Speak up, now. I can't hear ya.

You're looking at it.

- It's over there. - Ahh.

Well, you're right! [laughs]

I know I'm right.

Wow.

- It's over there on the rocks. - I know.

Well, it's big enough, isn't it?

[gun fires]

You wanna see how far down it is, huh?

Huh? Huh?

A.J.

A.J., it's a pretty long way down there.

If you're gonna do it, kick him. Don't push him.

Otherwise you might go with him.

Come on, tough guy.

Jerry, bring your two.

And you've got some explaining to do.

Ah.

That is the nicest one-woman band

I have ever heard.

Well, you play a pretty mean solo yourself.

Now, can I have that chip?

Come and get it.

Well, how'd I look?

Little bit like one of your patients.

Come on, up against the car.

That's it, get a little cute. I like that.

Guess what, you found honest work. You're gonna drive.

[clears throat]

Hey, A.J. Gotta go.

[whistles]

A.J.

We're, uh... We're ready on our end.

You ready on your end?