Original subtitles

- I think I witnessed a murder. - That's crazy.

[Announcer] Tonight on Simon & Simon...

- Is that man dead? - Let's talk about you.

You've got a victim and you've got an eye witness.

Now, where we come from, that's called a murder case.

Don't suppose there's any way of draining the lake without some help.

I told you to leave this thing alone.

What thing, Sheriff?

You got something going on we don't know about?

Lovely little place you got here,

but we're late for our shuffleboard game back at the hotel.

What is this? Is the whole town in on this thing?

Hit the siren.

[siren wailing]

[Together] No!

♪♪ [theme]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

Oh, hello.

My name's Turner, Oliver Turner.

Uh, I'm in real estate.

I have a card right here, and...

Excuse me.

Has my husband left a message for me?

The name is Turner.

No, ma'am, I'm afraid not.

Are you sure? No calls?

No.

[sighs]

Hmm. Okay. Thanks.

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

Hello.

- A.J.? - Hi, Mom.

I just wanted to let you know I got here all right.

Good. I'm glad to hear it.

And guess what.

They're overbooked,

so they gave me a large suite for the same price.

Really? That's nice.

You think you and Rick would like to come up

for a few days?

It's a shame to waste that extra room.

Oh, well, thank you, Mom.

Uh, not for me.

I'll ask Rick, though.

Any interesting men up there yet?

Not yet, but it looks promising.

I'd better go now.

Okay. Well, you enjoy yourself.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

I'm planning on it.

- Morning. - Good morning.

[chuckles]

Haven't seen that done since fourth grade.

How would you know?

As I remember, your idea of breaking in a new book

was to use it for second base.

[laughs]

Been by the office?

Yeah.

No calls, no... no mail.

Looks like we got a few days off here.

Hey, tell you what. Put the boat in the water,

we'll cruise down to Baja, we'll do a little fishing.

- What do you say? - Oh, not for me.

This is all the vacation I need right here.

Got the new Michener.

Can you buy anything like that by the pound?

- Mom called. - Yeah?

Yeah. They gave her a suite with two bedrooms.

I thought maybe you might want to go up and join her.

Any guy over the age of 30 who vacations with his mother

ought to join the Marine Corps or see a shrink, or both.

[laughs]

You remember that vacation we took with Mom and Dad

when I was in the fifth grade?

I will never forget the expression on Dad's face

when he found out I'd learned the facts of life

from that accordion player in the lounge.

The guy had it all wrong, too.

Rick, I would love to play "This is Your Life,"

but right now, I want to read, okay?

I'm leaving you alone right now.

Here I go.

- A.J. - Mm.

Margaritaville.

- Oh, not for me, thanks. - Oh.

Uh, it was a nice thought, though.

Maybe later?

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I'll just, uh... save this.

- What? - You want to go to the track?

I got some discount coupons.

They're giving away blankets today.

[sighs] No, thank you.

Oh.

Yeah, all right.

I guess I won't go, either.

A.J., look what I found.

This is Wanda. Wanda's a beautician.

She works out near the airport.

And this is Joleen.

Joleen is, uh...

Well, she's unemployed right now

but she wants to be a waitress.

And I'm sorry, darlin'. I didn't catch your name.

- What was that? - Trixie.

Yeah, I'll bet that's right, too.

Thank you.

Hello, A.J.

Hi.

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutter clicks]

Let me make us a drink.

I'm famous for my milk punch.

Great. [panting]

Well, you really gave me a workout today.

- I'm afraid I'm a bit rusty. - [sighs]

You're very good. You play very well.

- Hello. - Hi.

- Oh, hi, honey. - Hi.

Leo, this is my son A.J. A.J., this is Leo Marx.

How do you do? Nice to meet you.

- Likewise. - Excuse me.

That was your son?

Yes, my youngest.

You have more than one?

Oh, yes. Two.

Excuse me.

[whispering] Why did you bring the gun?

You came here to get away.

Yeah, Mom. I always bring a gun.

Look, I really have to go. I'm in a bit of a rush, okay?

Bye-bye. Nice to meet you.

- Uh, well, thank you. - [door closes]

Was that a gun?

Yes, I think so.

Well, now for the milk punch.

[Man] I appreciate you coming to me with this, Mr. Simon.

It's a very interesting story,

and I'll keep my ear to the ground.

Keep your ear to the ground, huh?

Sheriff, if you have your ear to the ground when I get these developed,

you're going to hear an earthquake.

Well, I sure hope you're wrong.

We kind of like to keep things nice and peaceful up here.

A thing like that could upset the fish.

[Sheriff laughs]

You like fishing, Mr. Simon?

That depends on what's running.

Oh, we've got everything...

Trout, wall-eye, bass.

I don't think I've ever seen anybody reel in a body, though.

Look, um... what did you say it was... A.J.

Why don't you go back and enjoy yourself?

Don't make this a busman's holiday.

Well, it's already a little bit more than that.

I hate to say this, Sheriff,

but you're going to have some very upset fish.

Well, look, if, uh...

if it'll make you any happier,

I'll take that film, we'll run it up in the lab,

we'll have it up this afternoon.

If those pictures are what you say they are,

that roll is evidence.

You don't want to withhold evidence.

You'll give me a call as soon as you get them developed?

Tell you what I'll do.

If there are pretty pictures of the lake in here,

why, we'll make a couple prints at no charge.

Good for tourism.

Yeah.

Oh, one other thing.

I didn't see the boat's name clearly,

but I could see the number 76.

Does that ring any bells?

Nope.

I'll keep it in mind, though.

Okay.

[motor rumbling]

[motor stops]

You know, I hear they rent sailboats down at the docks.

Would you like to go out on the lake this afternoon?

Oh, I'd love it. I used to sail quite a bit.

- Did you? - Mm-hmm.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

You look terrible.

Well, I've been up all night.

Hi. How's the backhand going?

[chuckles] Fine, thanks.

A.J., what's going on with you?

You're going to think it's crazy.

Try me.

I think I witnessed a murder.

That's crazy.

What murder? Where? Who?

- Are you feeling all right? - Yeah.

Look, Mom,

I'm on to something right now, okay?

So I'll talk to you later, I'll explain everything.

All right?

I'm sorry, sir. I've never heard of it.

You must have heard of it. It's the only jet on the lake.

- Look, it's about 20 feet long... - A.J.

Excuse us.

- Now, A.J., you listen to me. - Mom!

You used to act this way when you stayed up all night

before final exams.

You get all tensed up,

and then you break out in one of those rashes.

Now, I think you should go to bed and get some rest

before you do something foolish.

Mom, there is definitely something weird

going on around here.

It's as if everybody's in on it or...

Now, I mean it.

Go to bed.

Yes, ma'am.

Rick.

[sighs]

Morning, A.J.

Well, well, well.

The family that plays together stays together.

I'm glad you got so much faith in your youngest son, Mom.

Hey, come on, take it easy. It's my idea.

Get yourself cleaned up. I'll take you home.

No way. I'm in the middle of a case.

You are becoming a case.

Let's get out of here. Let Mom enjoy her vacation.

[Cecilia] Well, you've done all you can.

Staying here will be just too much of a temptation.

When did the Sheriff bring these by?

Why didn't you wake me?

Well, some deputy dropped them off.

Said the Sheriff didn't need them anymore.

Thought you might want them back.

There are some beautiful shots of the lake.

Oh, yeah. I love this one, the one...

It's not here. Damn!

Why did I give that guy the film?

What are you talking about?

Look, I... [sighs]

I have a photograph of these two men

throwing a body out of that boat,

and it's gone.

It's not here!

Dexter, did you or the boys

have the boat on the lake yesterday?

Yeah, sure.

We were trying to get that big wall-eye over by the dam.

No luck, though.

Who was with you?

Well, uh, Ben, of course. He always handles the boat.

And, oh, yeah, Watson. Hank Watson.

And this Watson boy, he likes to swim?

Yeah, Sheriff.

As a matter of fact, he took a little dip late in the day.

Dexter, the water in that lake is about 50 degrees.

It was a short swim.

Just who took these pictures, Hardiman?

Some private detective from San Diego.

Private detective?

Yeah. Up here to vacation.

Just asking around.

Doesn't sound like he's on vacation to me.

Look, I'm paying you to take care

of things like this, so, uh, do it.

I'll keep these, if you don't mind.

I, uh... I like pictures of my boat.

[laughing]

[sighs]

Just what the hell was going on out there?

We found a guy in the fields.

Took care of him.

Took care of him? What...

Killed him?

We do whatever is necessary to protect the crop.

I see.

[sighs]

I didn't bargain on anything like this.

Couldn't be helped.

Take my word for it.

All right.

You use my money, you're on my land,

and you need my protection.

I will not tolerate another incident like this.

Okay, okay. Take it easy.

Just give us till Friday, Saturday.

We'll have the fields picked clean.

- We'll be gone. - No more trouble.

No more trouble. I'll see to it.

[chuckling]

- Okay. Hey, wake up. - What? What?

Now look at this.

- Um, here we go. - Mm-hmm.

- 14A. - Mm-hmm.

17A.

Right.

Don't you get it?

I'm missing two, maybe three shots.

A.J., sometimes you take a picture, it doesn't turn out...

No, Rick. Look, you don't understand.

The sheriff is in on this.

Somebody has deliberately cut out two exposures.

Shouldn't you be getting home now?

Rick, I was there.

I know what I saw.

I mean, you don't want to get home

in the middle of the night.

Come on. Hey, come on, come on.

I want to talk to you in private.

Fine. Yeah. Okay.

Don't worry about it, Mom. I'll... I'll handle it.

Don't suppose there's any way of draining the lake without some help, huh?

This was supposed to be a vacation.

Well, it still is, Mom, for you.

You go ahead and have some fun, and we'll stay out of your way.

Yep. You won't even know we're here.

I suppose the first thing we ought to do is ask around, see if anybody's missing.

Yep. Bye, Mom.

So long!

And I just don't know what to do.

It isn't like him to disappear like this.

If I go home, he might come back here.

But if I stay here, then...

maybe he would go there.

I...

Can you think of any reason why your husband

might have gone home suddenly?

No.

I called most of our friends in San Francisco.

Nobody's heard from him.

Did you tell the sheriff this?

Yeah, and, uh, he said that I shouldn't worry about it,

that he was sure that Oliver would turn up sooner or later.

Well, that's typical.

Do you have any idea where your husband was headed?

I don't even know if I can afford private detectives.

You don't have to afford us. This one's on the house.

[sighs]

I don't know exactly where he was going.

Um, someplace north of town, off the main highway.

That's all he told me.

And I didn't think anything of it

because he's in real estate.

He's always curious about property for sale

wherever we go, even on vacation.

[crying]

It's going to be okay.

[Rick] Oh, we got a bogey.

Let's check it out.

[expels breath]

Keys are still in it.

Yeah. Maybe it's a traveling salesman

answering the call of nature.

No. Tracks are dry.

Leaves in it.

This car's been sitting here.

Hey, you two.

Howdy.

Can you read?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I can.

Something you'd like me to read for you?

No wise guys.

Uh, the sign up there says "No trespassing."

Didn't say anything about "No wise guys."

We're leaving.

Lovely little place you got here,

but we're late for our shuffleboard game,

so we're just going to take off now.

See you later.

[doors opening, closing]

[engine starts]

You wanted to see me?

Two men were snooping around the north quarter this afternoon.

Dexter's people ran them off.

We don't think they saw anything.

Two men?

This detective seems to have a friend.

I told you this morning to get rid of those people, Hardiman.

You got any suggestions as to how?

Look, you may be able to run this county

like you own it, Gable,

but this is still the state of California,

the U.S. of A here.

Refresh my memory, Hardiman.

Just how much does the county pay you?

You know damn well how much I get paid.

No. It, uh... It seems to have slipped my mind.

I... I want to hear you say it.

How much?

12,000.

Oh. Well, how would you like to try to live on that?

♪♪ [polka]

Gable Wineries?

You're sure?

Okay. Thanks.

Yeah, I know, I know. That's another one we owe you.

Thanks a million. Bye-bye.

[sighs]

I checked with the car rental agency.

They say Turner brought the car back yesterday.

What is this? Is the whole town in on this thing?

Let's go get a drink.

Hi, Mom.

Hi.

Uh, beer.

- You want anything? - No, thanks.

Janet checked with the DMV.

The boat that I saw is owned by Gable Wineries.

Very interesting.

- [clicks tongue] - I thought so, too.

I thought maybe we could have a little chat with Mr. Gable.

Oh, boy.

We've got 300 pounds of trouble coming.

Evening, Sheriff.

You were trespassing today.

I was sightseeing today.

I guess we just didn't happen to see the signs.

Uh, Sheriff, you want a drink? Maybe something tall and...

You've been snooping around too much.

I told you to leave this thing alone.

What thing, Sheriff?

You got something going on we don't know about?

I'm telling the both of you to leave.

I don't think you have any right to do that.

Oh, now, boys.

This isn't the big city.

We kind of have our own way of doing things up here.

And if I tell you to get out of my county,

you're going to get out of my county,

or you're going to jail.

Now, you don't want me to prove that, do you?

Because, for instance, I could have your room searched.

And if a weapon turned up, you could spend,

oh, a week or so in lock-up while I checked your licenses.

Or if I had a written complaint

that you were trespassing, huh?

[stuttering] Sheriff, down at the dock...

What?

I think you should come see it.

[police radio chatter]

You just don't believe that something like this

could ever happen to you.

[meows]

I really want to thank you for being here to help.

You sure you're going to be all right?

I've got so much to do.

I've got to pack,

and my sister will be down from San Francisco by 2.

I can help you with all that,

and I'll stay with you until your sister comes.

Thank you, Mom.

Everything's going to be okay.

All right?

It's time to go to work.

All right, we know that the boat is registered

to a man named Gable.

We found the car on Gable's property.

Now so far, you've got a victim and you've got an eye witness.

Now, where we come from, that's called a murder case.

And just what the hell do you call it?

- An accidental death. - Oh, f...

The medical examiner says Oliver Turner drowned.

Of course he drowned. It just wasn't accidental.

You're trying to tell me that the guy

goes out for a drive in the countryside,

and then just suddenly he happens to decide to go for a swim

in a freezing cold lake with no bathing suit?

Look, I told you last night,

I'd have to arrest you unless you left town.

Are you blind or stupid or both?

Or are you on the take? Who's paying you off?

Is Gable the one who's paying you off?

- Okay, that's it... - All right.

Now wait a minutes, guys. Hold up, hold up.

Just settle down here a minute.

Now, A.J., I think the sheriff's right.

- You what? - Yeah.

I mean, whether Turner went off a boat

or decided to take a swim doesn't really matter.

It's right there in the report. It's an accident.

There's no charges, there's no case.

Now, let's do what the man says

and make some tracks out of here.

- Come on. - Rick.

Come on.

Um, look, I'm sorry we were so much trouble to you.

You've got a real nice little situation here.

Let's go.

Go.

Why in the hell did you drag me out of there?

Hey, take it easy now.

That cracker was about to put us in the safe deposit box.

- Besides, I got an idea. - What?

Jerry Reiner.

Let's get a second opinion on the autopsy.

That's not a bad idea.

Did you ever know me to have a bad idea?

Don't answer that.

You want me to what?

How are we going to get the body?

We'll go to what?

I don't believe this.

[sighs]

[clears throat]

Bealer Brothers Mortuary, San Francisco.

We're here for Oliver Turner.

Well, there must be some mistake.

Mistake?

Did you call ahead and clear this

with Mr. Adcock, the administrator?

Because he's gone for the day and I can't possibly...

It's entirely routine.

Anyone can sign for the hospital, even you.

I won't release the body.

That's Mr. Adcock's responsibility.

You'll have to come back tomorrow.

Uh, tomorrow, my dear lady...

The funeral is scheduled for 7:00 tomorrow morning

in Golden Gate Park.

The departed loved sunrise in the park.

600 mourners will be there,

a caterer, and a classical string quartet.

When they, quite understandably,

wonder where the loved one is, I'll tell them...

Nurse Gingrich wouldn't give him to me.

- Okay? - Yeah.

Uh-oh. We got company.

- How you doing? - Good.

Hey, what's wrong? Who's sick?

Uh, nobody's sick.

This is some life-support equipment for a CPR conference.

- Huh? - Spec week in the Redwood Run.

- Oh. Need any help? - Come on, you two.

No. You just sweep up there, okay?

Okay.

Ah, that's good.

Yeah.

Easy, easy. Okay, okay.

[loud clattering]

- Come on. - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Easy.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

We'd better get this stuff off.

- All right. - Okay.

Watch the bag.

Aah!

Shh!

Gently.

Uh, just put it over there on the table.

Oh, no, uh...

You're not going to conduct an autopsy in here.

I need to check the body for another possible cause of death...

Bullet hole, bump in the head, anything.

Whew.

All right. Ready?

[Together] One, two, three.

[Jerry] Wait a minute.

[knocking]

- Who is it? - Room service.

- We don't want any. - Is this 517?

Changed our minds.

The lady who ordered the champagne

said it was important.

[whispering] Let him in. Let him in.

- Wait... - What?

Let him in. Go on.

We'll cover it. Go on.

[expels breath, sniffs]

Hi. You can just put that right, uh, in there.

Thank you.

Uh, do you think the Padres

are going to go all the way this year?

Yeah, if the bull pen holds up, everybody stays healthy.

Oh, yeah. Here you go...

I'll be back in 15 minutes with your hot hors d'oeuvres.

That will be fine. Thank you.

- Do you want the fondue? - Fondue sounds terrific.

- Okay. - Fondue?

- Get started here, huh? - [Rick expels breath]

Hmm.

Nothing abnormal here.

[ding]

I thought we'd eat in the room.

It's much more private than the dining room.

Yes. And I'm beginning to hate that accordion player.

And I've ordered champagne to start with.

On second thought,

maybe the dining room is a better idea.

Is that man dead?

Let's talk about you.

Now then, where was I?

Oh. A.J., put your finger right there a minute.

What?

Put your finger there a minute. I need a little help.

I need a little air.

[chuckling]

Me, too.

Well, I don't need this, do I?

[both sighing]

Ah! Ready for the fondue?

Ugh! Ugh!

Uh, look, why don't you just take this away,

and we'll call you when we're ready to eat, okay?

Yeah.

Anything for you? It was luncheon for two.

No. No, thank you.

[Server clears throat]

Oh, I'm a little short.

Rick, why don't you give him a tip, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, let's see here.

Thank you.

Jerry, how can you do that?

- What? - Eat.

I don't know.

Autopsies make me hungry.

It was nice of your mom to order this.

Well, okay.

The M.E.'s report was accurate as far as it goes.

No contusions, cuts, abrasions,

or other signs of a fight or a struggle.

And the guy definitely drowned.

But not in the lake.

Huh?

Along with the water in his lungs I found wine.

- Wine? - Wine?

Wine.

Maybe the guy was drunk when they drowned him.

No. The only way to get wine into your lungs

is to inhale it.

Whenever we find two kinds of fluids in the lungs like this,

it usually means the guy was drowned someplace else

and then put in a lake or the ocean to cover it up.

This guy drowned in wine, not the lake.

Gable.

It's worth checking out.

First of all, let's get that body to the state cops.

Wait a minute. I haven't finished eating.

Bring it with you.

Okay.

Come on!

Rick!

I don't think I hurt him, A.J.

[all grunting]

Come on!

They just left the hotel with the body.

You know, I'm used to it.

But if I were you, I'd turn the air conditioning on.

What is that?

[Jerry] Hit the siren.

[siren blaring]

[Rick] That didn't work. Hang on!

[tires screeching]

[indistinct conversation]

Looks like dissention in the ranks.

They're probably arguing about whether to shoot us or drown us.

[Dexter] Out.

[A.J.] Marijuana.

[Rick] Sure. Why not?

More money in this than wine.

Oliver Turner stumbles onto it,

the goons here pick him up and take him

for a one-way swim in a vat of wine.

I can't wait to see what little surprise

they've got in store for us.

- Hey, in there. - In there?

- Yeah. - Ah.

I always said that before I died,

I wanted to drink a truly great wine.

This is cutting it a little close,

but what the hell?

And that's final!

Look, Gable, I'm running this operation.

- We agreed on that. - I did not agree to murder.

And this is still my land.

You own a thousand acres of dead grapevines.

If I hadn't come in here with a new cash crop, pal,

you'd be out on your pedigree looking for a job.

[scoffs]

Does that mean we have to kill everybody who wanders by

and accidentally sees what we're growing?

Until we get it harvested, yeah.

There's too much at stake here.

Look, you stand to make 5 million bucks, no taxes.

Now think about that.

A lot of people have been killed for a lot less.

Now, if you don't want us in here next year,

that's up to you.

We can always find more land.

But in the meantime,

those nosey guys in the warehouse,

they're going to simply disappear.

And this time, there won't be enough left

to float back to the dock.

Then there was the guy that got hit by a piano.

- Hit by a piano? - Yeah.

Walking down the street, minding his own business.

Some people were moving out of a third-floor apartment.

They were lowering this grand piano out the window.

The rope broke. Swack!

- Right on top of this guy. - Yeah.

People heard it from blocks around.

Ugh!

The strangest one I ever saw was in Nam.

- Ah, napalm. - No.

- Tracer bullets. - No.

Shrapnel from a Bouncing Betty.

No, no, no. Nothing like that.

It was supply sergeant.

Got drunk in a Saigon restaurant

and drowned in a bowl of hot and sour soup.

Look, as much as I am enjoying my most unforgettable stiff,

what do you say we keep these guys from killing us?

You mean you don't want them to turn us

into a crude but hardy table wine?

Not really.

- You suppose this marijuana's dry enough to burn? - Probably.

Let's make our friends think we've had too much to drink.

Let us pretend we've had too much to drink.

[grunts]

- This is a crime. - Oh.

[Rick] Did the governor call?

[A.J. giggling]

All right, boys. Come on out.

No. We like it in here.

Come on in. There's plenty to drink.

I think I may have said come on out.

That's probably where I heard it.

You see? All you had to do was ask nice.

[Dexter] Get out.

[expels breath]

Ah!

You must be Mr. Gable.

That's right.

In the murder business now, huh?

You shut up. Come on!

Oh, boy! Moving. Moving.

Okay.

[A.J.] Oh! Oh, oh. I gotcha.

Wait a minute. Something's up.

Hey, there's a fire! Put this out here.

Our profits are burning up.

Uh!

Gee, I really can't.

[grunting, shouting]

Oh!

[Hardiman] Everybody hold right where you are.

Hardiman, you're just in time.

Hey, what is this?

I've had enough, Gable.

I've looked the other way far too long.

This is the end.

Why, you... [clears throat]

Oh, thank you.

Cheers.