Original subtitles

One of the victims in Death Boat

is a young private detective?

You mean you took the case

and you haven't read the book?

I was getting around to it.

[Announcer] Tonight on Simon and Simon...

Two of the murders have actually happened.

Exactly as you wrote them?

Want to know how it happened?

We have a homicidal maniac running

amok in this town.

How many will there be for dinner?

None.

You are dead.

Hey!

♪♪ [theme]

Who was that?

You didn't recognize him?

- No. - Rockwell Stark.

- Ah. - Just wrote the hottest bestseller of the year.

Death Boat.

Right. So what does he want us to do?

He's having a family reunion.

Wants us to find a long-lost cousin.

How long? How lost?

Uh, let's see.

Well, last seen Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 1953.

Postcard from Abilene, Kansas, 1956.

After that, nothing.

Great, just my kind of case.

Look, I got tickets to tonight's basketball game.

I got Charlie's tickets, the best ones.

What do you mean, no?

I can scalp these things for 50 bucks each.

I promised Stark we'd find his cousin for him within 24 hours.

- He didn't believe me. - Neither do I.

That's why he's giving us a nice bonus.

Do you know what that means? That means 24 hours

of looking through old newspaper clippings,

old telephone books, calling and hoping... No, I pass.

What do you mean, you pass?

- This is a partnership. - Oh, really?

Did you consult with your partner before you took the case?

Well, no, but, I mean, if I...

Fine. Then I'll take Jenny to the ballgame.

Well... Hey, come on, she doesn't even like ballgames.

Yeah, I know, but the tall guys turn her on, so you have a nice one.

Hey, Rick!

Rick!

[yawns]

I'm next.

I know it. There's no doubt in my mind.

I'm marked as the next victim, and you've got to protect me.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

Well, you obviously haven't read my book.

Well, you're among the very few who haven't.

It's practically a bestseller.

Death Boat.

Rockwell Stark.

The story takes place aboard a luxury cruise ship.

Four celebrities are murdered by a homicidal maniac.

Now, so far, two of the murders have actually happened in real life.

Exactly as you wrote them?

Close enough. The first victim in my novel is a politician.

Now, three days ago, Senator Joseph Palumbo

was kicked to death by a horse.

Kicked to death by a horse.

And you had that happen to a character on a cruise ship.

- It was a racehorse. - Ah.

In the hold of the ship.

And it was completely credible.

Now, victim number 2 in the novel

is a fashion designer.

Yesterday, Marie Delman was drowned in her pool

almost exactly as I had written.

All right, well, so far we've got two people

who've died just like two characters in your book.

Ah. But victim number 3 in Death Boat

is a well-known popular novelist. Me.

Now, I'm willing to put my money where my life is...

On the line.

Now, this should retain your services

for a reasonable length of time.

$10,000. Well, that, yeah, ought to...

Uh, yeah.

Well, looks like you've got us for the next 28.57 days.

Um, Mr. Stark, do you mind

if I ask you a pointed question?

Of course not.

Why aren't the cops protecting you?

The police think the deaths have absolutely nothing to do with my novel.

They say it's just a coincidence

and that I'm after publicity.

Publicity.

Two people murdered and I'm next,

and I want publicity?

Yeah, I understand.

Uh, just out of curiosity,

how does the third victim die?

It was by electrocution.

Shocking.

Mr. Simon, are you really certain that's necessary?

Just want to make sure that the juice coming into the house

is no higher than normal.

Looks okay.

I still wouldn't watch TV in the bathtub, though.

You live here alone?

No no no, with only a housekeeper.

Uh-huh.

Wanda's been with me over 12 years,

and I trust her with my life.

You keep a dog on the place?

No, no no no. Wanda doesn't like dogs.

Well, I think it might be a good idea, you know, just temporarily.

At least till the killer's nailed.

- I'll arrange for it, no extra charge. - Thank you.

Where's your brother? I thought I'd hired two bodyguards.

You hired two investigators.

A.J., there hasn't been two murders,

there has only been one murder, Marie Delman's.

Senator Palumbo's death is still being ruled accidental.

Okay, now wait a second. Palumbo was an expert horseman.

He rode in the Olympics.

Now, there's no way a guy like that

is going to accidentally get stomped to death by his own horse.

Well, that's what the police say.

That's just because they haven't finished the autopsy.

- On Palumbo? - No, on the horse.

Oh, wait a minute. They are doing an autopsy on the horse?

Yes. If the horse was drugged, it means Palumbo was murdered.

A.J., did it ever occur to you

that maybe Mr. Stark hired you and Rick

as a publicity stunt to promote his book?

Sure, that occurred to us.

It also occurred to us that he's scared to death.

Have you read this thing?

That? No, certainly not, the reviews were dreadful.

Everybody says it's trash, just like everything else he's ever written.

Right, nobody likes his stuff.

Well, except the public.

All right, you know the novelist that he thinks is himself?

Listen to this description.

Uh, he's described as

"A highly skilled writer who has elevated the simple mystery story

to the heights of classic literature."

Now, that description might fit Raymond Chandler,

but not Rockwell Stark.

I mean, talk about wishful thinking.

Thank you.

Wait a minute, leave that here.

I haven't finished it yet.

A.J.

- Yes? - Hi, I'm A.J. Simon.

How do I know that?

Well, I just told you I was.

Uh, it's okay, Wanda. It's the other half of the team.

Say hi to my brother.

Mr. Stark is due at a TV interview

in precisely 38 minutes.

Yeah, I know, darling, we're on the case.

I'll tell the master you're here.

Very good.

Master?

It's hard to find good help like this these days.

Mm-hmm.

No, no, no, no, no.

There are many ways to electrocute a man.

Good thinking.

- Up or down. - Up.

- Which floor? - 3.

[thunk]

Hmm?

[Rick sighs]

Oh, boy. Looks like we're stuck between floors.

Well now, look here, I'm due in Studio C in...

Just relax, we're going to get you there.

It's dead.

You... You don't suppose that...

No, I don't suppose anything. I think it's just an accident.

Yeah, these things happen all the time.

Maybe one of us could crawl out through the top of the car.

There's usually a removable panel.

No, no, no, no, no. Try closer to the center.

That's it, that's it, I think you got it.

- Yo! - What was that?

Oh, my God.

Uh, well, I'm... Well, I'm sure there's

some perfectly logical explanation for this.

No, no, no, I'm going to die.

Just calm down now. We're not going to let anything happen to you.

Probably what happened was a workman left it on...

Everybody's reading it now, you know.

Yeah, everybody.

Just calm down. We're going to get you out of here.

Here. Hold that.

Give me a boost up, okay?

I'm going to go get some help.

Watch it, watch it.

Stay back.

[Man] You are dead, Mr. Stark.

There's someone up there.

Hey!

Oh!

Stay back. Stay in the corner.

Watch it.

Aah!

[gasps]

- Give me your coat. - What?

- Give me your coat. - Why?

Mine's not heavy enough.

All right, I got you. I'll do it.

What?

He okay?

You all right, Mr. Stark?

You think he's still up there?

I think one of us better go check.

I'll cover you.

Okay. Let's be fair.

Call it.

Tails.

Oh, whoopee.

All right, ready?

Okay.

One, two... Two and a half.

Three.

There's no one here.

Do you see anything?

Nope.

- [grunts] - Yes, I sure as hell do.

What?

What the... There you go. You all right?

[grunts]

Here. Give me a hand.

- Can you get it? - Yep.

All right.

What the... Look at that.

- Heh, heh. - Electronic.

You are dead, Mr. Stark.

Killer could have been anywhere.

He heard us get into the elevator with this thing,

the stalling of the elevator, the cable coming down,

the whole caper could have been triggered from half a mile away.

Gentlemen, I salute you.

You performed magnificently.

I owe you both my life.

Well, we'll get you to the hospital.

What are you doing?

I'm scheduled for a TV interview,

and I plan to keep that appointment.

Three, two, one.

You're on the air. Go.

Good afternoon, and welcome to Words with Writers.

I'm Keith Berwick, and our special guest this afternoon

is Rockwell Stark, whose latest novel, Death Boat,

is rapidly climbing the bestseller charts,

despite a severe lambasting by the critics.

Mr. Stark, welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Mr. Stark, it's come to our attention

that Death Boat is apparently inciting some individual to commit

- certain acts of violence. - Yes, well, now,

I would prefer not to talk about that.

But so far, there have been two deaths

that bear a striking resemblance to cer...

Uh, please. Please. I must insist.

[stammering] I don't want to be accused

of exploiting these terrible crimes.

I see.

Mr. Stark, what do you consider

an author's responsibility to his readers?

To give them their money's worth.

The people that are incited to violence by a work of fiction...

- Hi. - Hi, sweetie. How you doin'?

- Okay? Are you sure? - Oh, yeah. We're fine.

- Yep. - We're fine. Thank you for coming.

Well, you're welcome.

- He seems fine. - He is.

He's refusing to talk about the killings.

Oh, good for him.

Oh, A.J., you were right about Palumbo's death.

- It is starting to look like a murder. - Aha!

The medical examiner found traces of amphetamines in the horse's blood.

Now were you able to find a connection between

Palumbo and that woman who drowned...

Uh, what's her name...

- Marie Delman. - That's her.

No. Well, only a rumor.

About four years ago, there was some talk

of her having an affair with Palumbo...

Tsk, tsk, tsk...

Rick, he was married at the time.

Anyway, I haven't been able to verify it.

It's the sort of thing they say about politicians

with half of the starlets in Hollywood.

Thank you.

I will return them to you as quickly as possible.

And if you get caught with them,

you will say you stole them, right?

- Say Rick stole them. - Right.

Okay. Oh, by the way...

Now that the police believe Stark's story,

they've assigned a couple of plainclothesmen to guard him.

[police radio]

I want to tell you again how much I appreciate...

Oh, no, no, no.

We were just doing what you hired us to do.

Well, these days, that almost seems a lost art.

Look, Mr. Stark. Uh...

Now that the police are on the case,

- maybe you'd like us... - I'd still like you

and your brother to stay on the job.

If it's all right with you.

That's what we do.

[dog whimpering]

[whimpering] [grunting]

- Hey. - [barking]

Let loose of my dog, woman.

If this scrofulous creature belongs to you...

He was on duty. You leave him alone.

The master is not kindly disposed toward canines.

Well, this particular canine

is a highly-skilled, attack-trained animal,

and he happens to be part of the team.

If I see that mongrel in the kitchen

or the pantry,

our anywhere near my living quarters...

And where were you this afternoon?

- I beg your pardon... - Just where the hell were you

when your boss was being attacked?

You have the affrontery to interrogate me...

You bet I do, lady. Now where were you?

Not that it's any of your business,

but I was at my parole officer's.

Oh, did anybody see ya? Can you prove that...

[stammering] What... where?

I'm certain you heard me, Mr. Simon.

I speak very distinctly.

You mean to tell me you're on parole?

It's a matter of public record.

What did you do?

Murder.

Multiple murder, as a matter of fact.

I poisoned a family of eight.

I assume you'll be taking your meals out?

Hold it.

You're puttin' me on, right, darlin'?

How many will there be for dinner?

Um... none.

Tonight. We're, uh...

Uh, we're taking the master to dine

with his number 1 fan. [laughs]

Wanda certainly does have

a rather bizarre sense of humor.

[chuckling]

The housekeeper who poisoned the family.

Wasn't that a character in your first book?

- Mm! Murder a la Carte! - Mm-hm.

I didn't think anybody besides myself had read it.

No, Mom's read all your books.

- Have you, now? - All nine of them.

Well, now I'm flattered beyond measure.

And I like each one better than the last.

I can actually see the growth in your art.

Art? Well now, that's a term

that I've never heard applied to my work.

Well, I don't care what the critics say.

It's a real art to be able to hold someone's attention,

glued to the page, in book after book.

- Well... - I just finished Death Boat.

And, oh, I'm sorry

the young private detective had to die.

He was my favorite character.

The, uh...

One of the victims in Death Boat is

a young private detective?

Why, yes. Victim number 4.

How come you never mentioned this little tidbit before?

Well, I, um...

I didn't think it was important.

You didn't think it was important?

You mean you took the case,

and you haven't read the book?

I was getting around to it.

Well, if some maniac is going around

killing people according to the story,

I would think the book would be filled with clues...

Mom. If you wouldn't mind.

Please.

Just trying to be helpful.

This, uh, uh...

Young private detective. Victim number 4. Um...

How young is he?

[police radio]

[door opens]

Didn't mean to scare ya.

[long sigh]

Stark asleep?

Yeah. He's asleep.

House is all buttoned down. Cops are outside.

- You check the alarm? - Yeah.

Nobody's gonna get into here

without waking up everybody for miles.

Hmm. Good.

Did you get to that part yet, where the...

Young private detective gets killed?

- Not yet. - Wanna know how it happens?

- No, I prefer to find out... - He gets burned to death.

Burned to death?

Incinerated.

- Thanks. - Any time.

[click]

Ha. And to the North American Book Award,

two years in a row.

- Many more to come. - Thanks.

Look.

Now since our friend has won the award,

- maybe that Universal deal... - Hold it, Derek.

I know what you're gonna say.

You write the books. I'll sell them.

Fair enough.

Telephone, Mr. Thorne.

- Long distance. - I'll take it here.

The called said you'd want privacy.

And suggested that you take it in my office.

I asked his name, but he wouldn't give it.

All right.

- Be right back. - This way, please.

Will you be staying much longer, Mr. Thorne?

Oh, Lord. It's almost 2 in the morning.

I'm sorry, Andre. I lost all track of time.

Soon as I finish the call, I'll get right out of your hair.

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

Hello?

[Man] Mr. Derek Thorne?

- Yes? - This is Geneva, Switzerland.

Long distance operator 17.

Please stand by for a person-to-person call.

- [clicking] - [electronic hum]

- [beeping] - [footsteps]

[door opens]

Hey, Woody!

[thud]

Well, we can handle it now.

See you later.

- Good mornin'. - Good morning.

Derek Thorne.

I still can't believe it.

Did you know him, Mr. Stark?

Hm? No, no, no, no. Not personally.

Uh, just by reputation.

Oh.

He was a very successful writer, wasn't he?

Yes.

On the strength of two highly

- overrated novels. - Now...

We just got rid of Serpico and Dick Tracy.

Well, I don't think we'll be needing them anymore.

As I matter of fact, I, uh...

I feel secure enough to let both of you go.

But it's only been four days.

And you did hire us for 28 plus.

Well... Take the rest of the time off,

as a bonus for a job well done.

And you're sure that's what you want to do.

Positive.

Whoever that maniac is...

He's found his third victim.

- Mr. Stark. - Yes?

About the fourth victim...

- Oh, come on, A.J... - The young private investigator?

Uh, did you have anyone in mind

when you wrote him in?

A.J... No, Mr. Simon. I didn't.

The fourth victim in Death Boat

was strictly a figment of my imagination.

Ah.

A.J., there gotta be at least 200

licensed private detectives in a 10-mile...

- Young ones. - I don't believe this.

[chuckling]

I'm sorry to be a source of concern for you, Mr. Simon.

But I'm sure that you're not going to be

in any kind of jeopardy whatsoever.

See?

- [distant dog barking] - [distant yelling]

Where's Marlowe?

Oh. I saw Wanda dragging him off to the house.

- [silverware clatters] - Wanda...

Wanda!

Hey!

[dog whimpering]

[whimpering continues]

Are you crazy?

How dare you come barging in there like that?

Well, what do you think you're doing,

trying to drown my dog?

Drown your dog!

I was bathing him.

- [water splashing] - You're giving him a bath.

- That's right. - I don't believe you.

Have you smelled him lately?

[dog whimpers]

[sniffing]

Smells fine.

Now he does.

Borrow your fishin' rod?

Where do you think you're going?

Well, since Stark's out of danger,

I figured I'd take Jenny Sue up to Mammoth

for a weekend R & R, you know?

We have a homicidal maniac running amok in this town,

and you're gonna go off and play?

Hey, hey, hey. Come on. We're off of the case.

Now we've got a perfectly competent police force,

which takes care of things like this.

A perfectly comp... a lot of good

that perfectly competent police force did for

- Derek Thorne. Oh, wow.

Now, Rick!

One of us is victim number 4.

Maybe both of us.

According to the book, he's, uh... Young.

I can't believe you seriously think

you're in any kind of danger.

- Believe it. - Why?

- Instinct. - Bull.

- [deep sigh] - Look, Rick.

That maniac tried to kill us in the elevator. Doesn't that make you mad?

It was Stark he was after, not us. We happened to be in the way.

Which is what we get paid to do! Be in the way!

You gonna help me nail this looney tune or what?

You really think somebody is trying to kill you.

Yes.

Maybe both of us.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna start, right now, living my life

like every day was my last.

Which means I'm gonna take Laura and Jenny Sue

up to Mammoth for a weekend of R...

Come on, A.J. I'm only kid... hey!

Hey!

You're being totally paranoid about this.

You know that?

Nobody's gonna incinerate you.

You don't have one single shred of evidence

that you're gonna be the fourth victim.

As a matter of fact, you don't even know

if there's gonna be a...

[horn honks]

[sighs]

[distant door closes]

[footsteps]

[door opens, closes]

[starts engine]

[clears throat]

Now, would you call that nervous?

- Yeah, I'd call that nervous. - Yep, yep, yep.

- [laughing] - [door closes]

Very funny. Where the hell have you been?

Hey! I told you I'd get here when it was dark.

It was dark?

It's 7:30, Rick. It got dark two hours ago.

- Oh, God. - What are you doin' there?

Oh, I'm trying to see if there's a connection

between the first three victims.

Might give us an arrow to who the killer is.

So you can get him, before he gets you.

- You got it. - Come on, A.J.

Take a break, and go to dinner with us.

I'm not hungry. Thank you.

I promise, we won't sit near any open... flames.

- [laughing] - All right, listen, A.J.

We're gonna go out

and get a nice, rich slab of rare roast beef,

and then we're gonna go to the trotters.

You ever been to night harness racing?

No. Thanks just the same. Some other time.

Your loss.

Hey, uh, Rick.

Uh-huh.

I need some help on this one.

Can we get you something?

Um... a doggie bag.

Oh, Myron. Fifth horse. Second race. 10 bucks.

- What can I do? - [door closes]

Take a look at Thorne's file.

See if there's anything there that might be a link

between Delman and Palumbo.

[grunts]

- [footsteps] - [liquid sloshing]

[footsteps, sloshing continue]

[hissing gas]

[yawning]

- Stuffy in here. - Yeah, it is.

- Get some air. - Good idea.

[exhales]

Hey... [groans]

[blowing at flame]

I hate to tell you I told you so...

Just shut up, A.J.

I'm not even supposed to be here.

Victim number 4 is a young private detective.

He left a copy of Death Boat on your desk, you know.

Help!

Just save your breath for the candle, one more time.

On 3.

1.

2.

3.

[blowing at flame]

[blowing again]

Well, that did a lot of good.

You realize how embarrassing this is.

- Two grown men, tied up like... - Just cool it, A.J.

We got about a minute to figure this thing out, or we're gonna die.

All right. Let's start rocking back and forth...

Hold it. Hold it. Don't you... no.

Don't move. You start doing that,

you're just gonna set it off that much faster.

It'll work.

Your right.

My left. On 3.

[deep sigh]

1.

[both] 2.

- 3! Banzai! - Yagh!

[grunting]

It worked! Huh?

What did I tell ya? Didn't I tell ya it would work?

- Well, it worked. - A.J., we've been had.

What do you mean, we've been had? What are you talking about?

That's not kerosene. What do you want to bet that stuff won't even burn?

- It smells like... - I know it smells like kerosene.

But it can't be kerosene.

Kerosene hits the flame, it burns.

That's what it's designed to do, right?

Where's a match?

Rick, I wouldn't do that.

Rick, I wouldn't do that. Rick? No!

I got it. I got it.

[flame throwers spraying]

Well, now what the hell do we do about this?

Redecorate?

I tell you what.

Let's go someplace where nobody can

sneak up on us with a flame thrower.

[Rick] You have any idea how totally degrading that was,

being trussed up like a couple of chickens, waiting to be barbequed?

Uh-huh.

I mean, the contempt of it!

Treating us like... like... like...

- Chickens? - Dirt!

[Rick] You know what burns me about this?

Seems so showy about it.

That was like he was a...

- performer, or a... - Writer?

Huh?

Remember Stark told us he'd never met Thorne?

Yeah.

Says right there that Thorne took a writing course

from him four years ago, at City College.

Wow! Well, maybe Stark forgot.

Maybe.

Maybe he just hated a lot of people.

I mean...

Hated them enough to want them dead.

So he writes a book about people who roughly

fit their descriptions are all getting killed...

- Uh-huh. - Waits till the book gets published.

And starts killing 'em off.

Makes it look like the work of a maniac.

Which would make Stark the maniac.

Exactly.

- I don't believe it. - What?

He is making fools out of us.

You remember the hot wire in the elevator bit?

Looked like it almost killed Stark?

Well, according to this, there wasn't enough juice in that wire to kill anybody.

Just enough make it look scary, and throw a lot of sparks.

He could have triggered the remote control device himself.

Easily. One hand in his pocket.

Think we'd better go have a talk with Mr. Stark.

And it's taken six months,

and every ounce of political clout I could muster,

to get myself invited to an actual autopsy.

As you can imagine,

the medical examiner's office is extremely reluctant

to allow unauthorized observers, uh...

Uh, Mr. Simon.

Your mind seems elsewhere.

Am I boring you?

No no. No. No. Not at all.

It's, um... it's fascinating.

Uh, somehow, I feel

this is not a social call.

You're right. It's not.

My brother and I were putting things together this morning,

and we came to the conclusion

that it was you who murdered Senator Palumbo,

Marie Delman, Derek Thorne...

And then tried to kill us.

[chuckling]

[laughing]

Gentlemen.

- You are good. - Well...

What a master stroke.

Naturally, if I were a homicidal maniac,

that accusation would have shattered my composure.

I must use that ploy in my very next novel.

Brilliant! Just brilliant.

Why, thank you.

Now, which of you has the revolver

pointed at me under the table?

[laughing]

Both of you! Well, well, well!

Now I am flattered.

But not really dangerous.

Uh... Uh, would you, um...

Would you care to search me?

Well, now that you mention it...

Well, now, whatever made you suspect me?

You said you had never met Thorne.

Oh, my. Did I really say that?

Well, he was my student at City College, of course.

And I killed him because...

His books get better reviews than mine.

[laughing] Well, now tell me.

Why did I kill Senator Palumbo and, uh...

That Delman woman?

Undoubtedly, because you hated them.

Would you like some more coffee?

No, no, no. No, thank you.

You know something?

This is really absurd.

Yeah. We know.

'Course, we'd still like to take a look around.

- If you don't mind. - Oh, I don't mind at all.

But what is that you hope to find?

Oh... Possibly some electronic gear?

Something that might be used to...

Stall an elevator, say?

My house... is your house.

[cocks gun]

After you.

Uh... [chuckling]

Follow me, gentlemen.

My workshop. Help yourselves.

[rattling door]

A.J., give me a hand with this.

Holy... hey!

Stay exactly where you are! Both of ya!

Place your weapons on the floor, and kick them over to me!

- Hey, oh! - Okay. Okay. Okay.

[weapons hit floor]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Get your jacket off! Let's rush him!

- Rick! Help me! - A.J.!

- Help me put it out! - Get back!

- Rick! - A.J.!

Help me! Help me!

[echoing] Help me! Help me!

[groans]

Oh...

Excellent, Mr. Simon.

Just outstanding.

Now here's your check.

And the bonus is included.

Well, thank you very much indeed.

I'm glad that we... that I was able to find your cousin so easily.

Well, this is wonderful. I've wanted to see him again for years!

Just, just wonderful.

Bye-bye.

You didn't tell me how much the bonus was gonna be.

You didn't ask me how much the bonus was going to be.

Yeah, well, it's okay, 'cause I gotta go to the bank, anyway.

I could just deposit that for you.

Why don't you take a look, see who it's made out to?

Hey, wait a minute. The name of this company is Simon & Simon!

That's right, partner.

So you get to watch the office for the next two days,

while this check and I go to San Francisco.

- A.J... A.J.! - Bye-bye!