Original subtitles

It's a hoax. Elaborately planned hoax.

It is not a hoax!

Look, that is Michael's handwriting.

[Announcer] Tonight on Simon & Simon...

[brakes screech]

Michael's dead.

He's alive!

[Woman] It's like saying I don't know

my own husband when I see him.

My fish! Hey!

If I don't get that money, I'm a dead man.

[Man over phone] You'll never see me again.

She's gonna give it to him.

500,000 big ones.

♪♪ [theme]

I checked the bow. He's not on deck.

The launch is gone!

He must have taken it out before this hit.

Out in this storm?

My God, we must find him!

Bow!

Michael!

- Michael! - Michael!

Michael!

Michael! Michael!

Michael!

Michael!

[doorbell ringing]

Margaret, it's Cecilia.

[doorbell rings]

Margaret?

Margaret?

Margaret.

[Margaret] Cece. Come here.

Look, it's Michael.

He's come back.

Who'd you say it was?

Michael. It's a miracle.

Margaret, Michael's dead.

Oh, no, no, he's not.

You just saw him.

Well, I saw somebody.

You saw Michael.

Oh, Cece, he talked to me.

He touched me. He's alive.

Aren't you afraid of losing a finger?

That's what you have finger bowls for.

[A.J.] Come here.

- I'll show you how you do it. - Okay.

[A.J.] Now, just keep the knife coming down

in the same place on the board,

and push the food into the knife.

That's right.

- Mmm. - [giggles]

That's it. Now we're getting somewhere.

[bubbling]

Isn't your sauce boiling over?

It certainly is.

[laughs]

Ah!

You're right. It is boiling.

Not to worry.

I'll just put some milk in it.

Took care of that problem.

[A.J.] Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.

Milk. No, actually, half and half

will do me better. Where is that?

Here we go.

Okay. [pouring]

Da-dum.

Hey, babe, would you...

Cindy?

Cindy?

Cindy?

[Rick] Now, I can tell

that you're new at this and probably inexperienced,

so I'm gonna show you how it's done.

First of all,

you insert the index finger under the tab,

and then gently but firmly pull it toward your body.

[clears throat]

Oh, is she with you?

[mock laughter]

[phone ringing]

Saved by the bell.

[laughing]

Toulouse Lautrec Bar and Grill.

Short orders are specialty, no long waits,

little people welcome.

Uh, hi, Mom.

No, ma'am. Just... I was just...

fooling around.

No, I've got a date.

Mom always calls him.

She likes him better.

Is she okay?

Well, what happened?

Oh, yes... Yes, I agree entirely.

Oh, no. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

In fact, I think he'll be glad

to go over to Margaret's house.

He was just saying he had nothing to do this evening.

Telephone, for you.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hello?

Ladies, would you care for more wine?

- No, thank you, not for me. - No, thank you.

Cecile, I'll be right back.

Was that him?

Yes.

He's in some kind of trouble.

He needs my help.

Margaret, Michael's dead.

He's been dead for four years.

They never found his body.

He was 13 miles offshore.

Now, I remember. That's storm's

one of the worst I've ever seen.

Well, he survived. Somehow.

And simply disappeared for four years?

[Margaret] Yes.

I don't know where he was

or what he was doing.

But he seemed very frightened at the restaurant.

He wouldn't tell me what was going on.

I think he's trying to protect me

from some kind of trouble he's in.

[Rick] Did, um,

he mention anything about money?

What if he did?

Margaret, it's a setup.

It's a fraud.

Someone is impersonating Michael,

trying to bilk you out of your savings.

He was not an impostor! He was my husband!

Look, Michael told me it was important

that nobody knows he's alive.

I shouldn't even be telling you.

Well, you're forgetting something.

We loved him, too.

When Dad died,

it was Michael who filled that hole inside me.

Remember, he used to go to all the ballgames

that either one of us ever played in?

Taught me how to tune an engine.

Taught me how to sail.

We'd like him to be alive just as much as you would.

He is, A.J. He is!

Margaret, I want you to do me a favor.

I want you to let A.J. and Rick

stay here with you in the house for a few days

until we find out for sure what's going on.

You think I'm crazy.

No, we think that, uh,

that there's a chance that somebody is trying

to swindle you out of a lot of money.

Well, that's the same thing as saying I'm crazy.

It's like saying I don't know my own husband

when I see him.

There is another possibility.

Maybe Michael is alive, and maybe he is in danger.

And if that's the case, you're in just as much danger

as he is, no matter how hard he tries to protect you.

Okay?

Isn't that nice?

Hmm.

Oh, I have never seen such beautiful roses.

They're so pretty. How much are...

Balloons, balloon! Get your balloons.

Hey, watch it! Where are you going?

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

Watch out! Hey, hey!

[Vendor] Don't step on that fruit! Don't step on that fruit!

My fish! Hey!

Hey!

My fish!

Hey! Come in here!

[tires peeling]

[engine running]

Now, Margaret, if this were really Michael,

Michael knows A.J.

He wouldn't run away from him.

Wasn't really him, was it?

I don't know.

I love it when you're so specific.

Rick is right.

No matter what kind of trouble Michael was in,

he wouldn't have run away like that.

What did you say?

I said if it were really Michael, he would...

No, no, skip back. The first part of that.

I said you were right.

Thanks, Mom. That's the first time you ever admitted

I was right about anything. Ever.

Don't let it go to your head.

Could we get back to the matter at hand?

Yes. Margaret, do you still believe it's Michael?

Yes, I do.

A.J.?

Well, it... It looked a little like him.

Well, then this whole thing really doesn't make any sense.

If it's really Michael, why doesn't he just

come forward and claim the money?

Legally, it's his. Half of it, anyway.

How much we talkin' about?

Has he told you how much he needs?

$500,000.

Oh.

[Rick] Well, drop in a bucket.

$500,000.

You know what? She's gonna pay those jokers.

Yeah, unless we stop her.

Go on out, use the phone in the hall, okay?

Let's see if this thing works.

[clears throat]

[dialing]

[line ringing]

[Cindy over phone] Hello?

Hello, Cindy. Rick Simon.

Well, hello.

Listen, uh, you remember the other night when I

exposed to the fine art of opening a can of beer.

- [growls] - How could I forget?

Well, I just thought you might want

a little refresher course.

Well, what about A.J.?

A.J. already knows how to open a can of beer.

[laughing]

Speak of the devil, here he comes.

Hand the phone.

I think maybe he wants to talk to you.

Hang on just a second. I'll bet...

Hmm. You're just jealous.

Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.

Hi, Cindy.

You'll have to excuse my brother.

The whole family does.

Yeah. How are ya?

I, uh, thought the mail already came.

Oh, it did.

Um, this is, um,

special delivery, uh, from Randy.

- Oh. - Yeah. He, um...

He apparently needs some money.

Who doesn't?

Thought Randy was doing really well, though.

Oh, he was. He, um...

- Well, you know the stock market. - Yeah.

- Up one day, down the next. - Yeah.

He's, um... He's going through a down period.

Mind if I read it?

Yes, I do.

[A.J. on phone] All right, I'll see you Friday.

Love to Sugar. Bye-bye.

- Hey Chef. - Yo.

I think you better come look at this.

- What do we got? - No, no, no.

Margaret's and my fingerprints

are already all over it.

I don't think we oughta confuse the issue anymore.

"Dearest Margaret,

"I know this is hard to understand,

"but I simply can't talk to you when others are present.

"Even if it's an old friend like A.J.

"You must ask Rick and A.J. to stay out of this.

"Their... interference

"could put my life in more danger than it already is.

"Send them home now, before it's too late."

Margaret, it's a hoax.

It's a cruel, vicious, elaborately planned hoax.

- No. - Yes.

They're playing with your head, Margaret.

That's the only way this thing figures.

Now whoever is behind this,

they've just researched your entire background

and Michael's and then found somebody who looked like him.

No. It is not a hoax!

Look, that is Michael's handwriting.

[motor running]

[A.J.] Myron!

- Hi. - Here we go.

Uh, Myron, this is Margaret Wells.

Margaret, this is our associate, Myron Fowler.

Glad to meet you.

How do you do?

Um, you guys, um... have fun.

See you later.

Come on.

Nice place.

Uh-huh.

No, no, no.

Ah, yes, yes, yes.

- Mm-hmm. - Aha.

Aah.

- [burbling] - Shh.

Hmm.

I think maybe what we oughtta do

is just leave him alone and let him, uh...

Lick 'em, and smell 'em, and stick 'em up to his ear

and see if they whisper anything to him.

I heard that Mr. Simon.

- Hmm? - I would like for you

to know that I am a handwriting expert.

Not some asinine psychic.

Excuse me, um, but in your professional opinion,

- Mr. Teitalman... - No, no, no.

Nobody calls me Mr. Teitalman.

No. Just Siggy.

Siggy, Siggy. Please.

[Rick] Siggy?

Siggy, uh, what we want to know is

were those two letters written by the same man?

This is the letter that was recently received,

and this is the letter written to the woman

by her husband approximately four years ago, correct?

And you would like for me to tell you

if both letters were written by the same man, huh?

If that's not too much trouble.

The answer is... yes.

- Yes? - And no.

Aww. And no?

That is, the characters seem to have

the same flourishes and arcs, and the way he dots his Is

is definitely quite similar.

- Uh-huh. - And yet... And yet,

there's... Something's... Something's not quite right.

Would you, um, care to expound on that?

At your leisure, of course.

This recent sample has a lot of stops and starts in it.

If you'll notice, there's a...

A slight ragged mark, - Mm-hmm.

And then there's a solid concentration of ink

- on the mark. - Mm-hmm.

And then you'll find them within the word.

Isn't that something?

It's as if he had a lot of trouble writing this.

You mean like he was sick or under a lot of stress?

No, no. Not exactly.

The letter from four years ago was written by

a complex, precise, intelligent man.

And the more recent letter

seems to have been written by someone

much less complicated.

So it's not the same man.

- I didn't say that. - [fake crying]

It is the same man.

Ah.

And yet... it... It isn't. It isn't.

Yeah, yeah.

Boy, we got this one nailed right down, don't we?

- Thanks, Siggy. - Yes, yes.

If you ask me, Siggy's a little psych-y.

- No, Siggy is an expert. - [laughs]

- He's one of the best. - Aw, yeah, I could tell.

I love the way he takes a stand on things.

- My love. - Mm-hmm?

Can you run this through your police lab,

and see if there are any fingerprints on it,

besides Rick's and Margaret's?

A.J., I'm not a genie in a bottle.

Ah, yeah, but listen, Janet, now,

somebody's trying to take this woman

for half a million dollars.

You're not gonna stand by and let them do that,

- are you? - No.

Besides, we'll make it up to you.

- We will. - Oh.

Just spare me, okay?

[Together] We will!

Hey, come on, when have we ever failed...

- Goodbye - to make one of these things up to you?

- That's absolutely right. That's not fair. - Goodbye, boys.

Quick, before she changes her mind.

♪♪ [piano]

[music stops]

Don't let me interrupt you.

No, no. That's all right.

I was tired of playing anyway.

It was beautiful.

Let me ask you.

Don't you ever get, uh, lonely?

Sort of? I mean...

I mean, uh, living in here all by yourself?

Anyway, uh... Some house.

Yes, and it's ever so much nicer

since you brought the air freshener with you.

Huh?

Oh! Oh, you mean the cigar?

Yeah. [laughs]

You want me to put it out?

I don't think putting it out would help.

Maybe if you buried it in the backyard.

No, really, if you want me to put it out, I... [phone ringing]

Excuse me. I think that's my phone.

Hello?

[Michael over phone] Hello, Margaret?

Oh, Michael.

I've been so worried about you.

Are you all right?

For the moment.

Did you get my letter?

Yes.

Are they gone?

Yes.

Good, because this has got to be between

just the two of us.

Have you made the arrangements for the money?

It's in the process now.

I should be able to pick it up tomorrow.

- But... - No questions!

Please.

You won't believe the mess I've gotten myself into.

You've got to believe.

If I don't get that money, I'm a dead man.

You'll never see me again.

You don't have to worry, darling.

I've made up my mind.

I'll do anything you ask.

Good. I'll call you tomorrow.

I love you, Michael.

Well, it's about time you guys got back.

- Why? What's up? - Where's Margaret?

She's upstairs. Cecilia's with her now.

But I'll tell you, it's cats on fire time

a little while ago.

What did you do to her?

Me? I didn't do anything to her.

I was just being my normal, pleasant self,

And she comes in... Yeah!

And she comes in and tells me to get the hell out.

- Margaret? - Yeah, Margaret.

She told me she's tired of being watched over

like a 3-year-old.

And I politely told her that I couldn't get out

until you guys got back here.

Next thing I know, she's beating up on me.

That's right. I'll tell you,

it's a good thing your mom showed up.

I would've had to slug her or something.

[Together] Margaret?

Yeah, Margaret! She was out of control.

What on earth set her off?

I don't know, she got a phone call.

Phone call?

Where you going?

There's a gap on this tape

that Nixon himself would be proud of.

You mean somebody erased it?

Hey, don't look at me.

[snaps fingers]

She must have come in here just before

she came in there to tell me to get out.

- How is she? - Oh, she's fine.

She wants us all to leave now.

And she means it.

I told ya.

Didn't I tell ya? She's gonna do it.

She's gonna give it to him, 500,000 big ones.

Dollars?

- Myron... - Now, wait a minute. Whoa.

She's gonna give half a millions bucks away?

To who?

Myron, we won't be needing

your services anymore.

Aw, come on, fellas. This is just now getting good.

I ain't leaving till you guys pay up.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

All right, well, $20 an hour, right? - 25.

- 25? - 25.

You got some money on you? All I've got is singles.

Um, let's see. I got...

Um...

Let me get my purse.

[laughing]

I don't believe you two guys.

I mean, my mother would tell me to take a...

You wanna get your money? Then keep your mouth shut.

[engine starts]

24 hours and $500,000 later...

Yeah. Watch, she'll get mugged

- What's happening? - She's heading down to the beach.

Heading for an old rowboat.

- Aha! - Aha what?

Aha she made the drop in the boat.

She's leaving, and she's heading back.

You just keep your eye on the boat.

Let me know if anything happens.

Nobody on the edge, nobody down at the point.

- How 'bout now? - How 'bout what?

- I don't believe it. - What? What is it?

Look, right over the rocks.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

All right, let's go.

[gunshots]

[heavy breathing]

What did I think I was doing?

I don't know.

[knocking]

Who is it?

It's me.

Where's the money?

I don't have it.

What do you mean, you don't have it?

Well, I was ambushed by those two friends of hers.

The detectives. I...

I didn't even get to touch it.

I thought we'd done it.

I thought we'd really done it.

You, me, and a half million dollars.

Ssh. The old man.

To hell with the old man!

- We still need him. - What for?

He obviously is not convincing his wife to behave.

Now, as far as I'm concerned, Michael Wells is dead.

You shut up!

His name is Arthur,

and the one thing we don't want to do

is to let him think he is Michael.

Now, Arthur is not going to give us any problems.

But when the times comes, why,

we'll, uh, take care of him.

Besides which, I've come up with a good idea.

If we can't get the wife to pay,

why don't we get the detectives

to do it instead?

Nothing could wake up good old Arthur.

You had no right!

We kept you from throwing away

half a million dollars, Margaret.

There is no doubt in our minds

that if you had turned this money over to them,

you would have never heard from any one of them again.

Well, what about my husband?

What about Michael?

Michael's dead.

[A.J.] Whoever it is looks just like him

or has been expertly made up or whatever.

And whoever's behind this

obviously knew him pretty well.

Look, this is my money.

My money, and my husband.

My affair, my concern.

Totally my business!

You had no right.

[A.J.] Now look, Margaret.

Everything that we have done, we have done

because we are worried about you.

Because we don't want to see you get taken in.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe you've done all this

because you see a nice little paycheck for yourselves.

Maybe you've already taken some payment.

I'm gonna count this and see if it's all there.

- Margaret... - Rick, don't.

Don't even say it.

We've done everything we can here.

[phone ringing]

[Margaret] Hello?

Oh, God!

Come back! They've taken Cece!

What?

This is Rick Simon.

- Rick? - Mom?

You okay?

Please be careful,

and, uh, don't do anything that... Mom?

Mom?

Good, you recognize Mommy's voice.

Then you do exactly as I tell you.

And maybe, just maybe, she won't get hurt.

[phone ringing]

Yes.

A.J., Janet.

Janet, I can't talk now.

Oh, what's wrong?

Nothing. I just, uh...

I'm expecting a call.

I gotta keep the line clear.

Don't you wanna know about this letter Rick gave me?

- What letter? - Letter, letter.

Oh, yes, the letter. What happened?

Did you get it back from the lab?

Yes, I did.

Uh, Rick's prints were on it,

along with a woman's, I assume to be Mrs. Wells.

Yes, was there anybody else?

Yes.

There were a third person's prints

all over it. As a matter of fact,

it looked like they were deliberately placed.

Could you match them?

Mm-hmm. The prints belong to Michael Wells.

Um, thank you very much, Janet.

It's Michael.

He's alive.

- What? - Michael's prints

were all over the letter.

Margaret, we owe you an apology.

Oh, no. No, I just want him back safely.

And now Cece is in it, too.

Why don't we just give them the money?

It's not worth two people's lives.

Well, the problem there is if we give them the money,

they'll just kill them both.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. If that's Michael... What?

All right, now we're getting somewhere?

- Yeah. - Where are we getting?

[Rick] On the phone, I could hear a motorboat

with a bell clinging.

So? It just means he was calling

from somewhere near a marina. That doesn't exactly

- narrow it down. - All right.

But, the other night, when I...

I came over to check the house out,

the first day that Margaret saw Michael,

somebody called. I answered the phone.

They wouldn't say anything, but in the background,

I could hear a boat's engine and a horn sounding.

You still own the yacht?

No, no. I finally sold it.

I never was very much for the ocean

especially after Michael's accident.

Uh, who is this guy?

Oh, that was our mechanic who serviced our yacht.

His name is Hickman. Earl Hickman.

Michael said he was very good,

but I always found him sort of cold.

Now, you guys kept the yacht in that little private marina

north of the big marina, right?

Yes, why?

All right, let's say that, uh,

that Michael is behind this

or somebody's forcing him to do it, right?

Where's a good place to hide out?

Why not on a boat?

I think we oughta talk to this guy.

Rick, you're grabbing at straws.

That's what drowning people do.

I think we oughta stay with the money

and wait for the call.

Okay, fine. You handle that.

[bell ringing] [engine running]

[Man] What do you want?

I got a boat that needs repairing.

[Man] Come back tomorrow.

I can't, uh, do that.

I'm going out of town.

I'm gonna need the boat when I get back.

What kind of a boat... Uh!

[grunts]

Uh! Aah! Ah!

I'm gonna recognize that voice for the next 30 years!

Now where is she?

What are you talking about?

You're about two seconds away

from justifiable homicide.

Now, where's my mother?

[panting]

[phone ringing]

Yes?

Shut up and listen,

because I'm only gonna say this once.

Do you have the money?

Yes. Is my mother all right?

She's doing fine for now.

Now, I'm going to give you a new drop point.

Now, one of you is going to come. Alone.

If I see two of you in the car,

your mother dies.

If I see any sign of the police around,

your mother dies.

Do you understand?

Yes.

Yes, I know where it is.

Yes, I'll leave right now.

If you don't show up within the next 30 minutes,

don't bother.

I'm on my way.

It'll all be over in a little while, Arthur.

As soon as we get the money.

All right, open it.

Now.

Mom?

Rick!

Oh!

[crying]

Hey, hey, hey.

What do you think?

I was right twice in the same week, huh?

[sobbing] Oh, I'm sorry.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Margaret, it's Rick.

What about Cece? What happened?

- She's okay. - Oh.

Did you talk to Hickman.

Yeah, I found out where the drop point is.

Is A.J. there?

No, they called, and he already left.

Keep moving.

Hold it.

Now, I know you're carrying a gun.

I want you to reach inside,

take it out, and put it on the ground.

Easy.

Now walk forward, a few feet.

That's enough.

Where's my mother?

We've got her. She's okay.

As soon as we're sure of a clean getaway,

well, we'll let her go.

You open it.

Well, come on? What's the matter?

You wanna see your mother alive, don't you?

Show me there's money in that bag.

Here you go.

Here's your money.

[coughing]

You idiot! You just killed your mother!

[engine starting] [tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

Watch him, Rick, he's got a gun!

- [grunts] - Hey!

Hey, man!

Hey!

[sirens wailing]

- Is Mom all right? - Yeah, I found her.

She's okay.

Thank God.

You all right?

I'm okay.

I've never been in this house before in my whole life.

I'm not the Wells fella.

My name is Bristol, Arthur Bristol.

B-R-I-S-T-O-L.

I wouldn't be too insistent about that if I were you.

Yeah, see, 'cause if you're not Michael Wells,

these guys behind you here are gonna arrest you

and put you in jail for a long, long time.

Oh, Michael.

I'm Arthur Bristol.

It's all right.

I think Siggy was right.

Soggy Siggy?

The handwriting expert?

Well, he said it was the same man,

but it wasn't the same man.

Oh, don't worry, it's him.

He just doesn't know it yet.

I don't understand.

Well, to understand, you have to go back four years

to the night he disappeared.

Michael couldn't sleep. He took the launch.

A storm came up, it capsized.

He managed to hang on to something

and make it back to shore.

When he got there, he, uh, wasn't Michael anymore.

Amnesia?

What happened was,

Hickman was visiting his sister in Albuquerque,

bumped into Michael on the street.

Michael was little more than a vagrant at that point.

Michael didn't recognize him,

and swore up and down his name was Arthur Bristol.

So that was when Hickman got together

with his old army buddy and...

Hatched a plan to swindle you.

I'm sorry.

I just don't remember.

He needs some time and rest.

It'll come back to him.

That's our son.

Randy?