Original subtitles

[Announcer] Tonight on Simon & Simon...

Now, I'm gonna give you just one chance

to talk about this nice.

Sharon and I are identical twins.

I know when something's wrong with her.

A.J.? What does the "A" stand for?

"Available," I hope.

Put 'em up.

- Nice work. - I think my body's broke.

If I were you, I'd forget to name Sharon Dameron.

Sharon Dameron, who is that?

[screaming]

♪♪ [theme]

[heavy breathing]

[Man] Sharon?

Sharon.

[echoing] No!

Sharon.

- Sharon. - [screams]

Sharon.

[screaming]

[screams]

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

- Oh, God. - [phone ringing]

Sharon, please answer the phone.

[ringing continues]

[ringing continues]

All right, what is it?

Got insomnia again?

Okay, tell you what. If you can't sleep, uh,

I don't mind you coming in, playing the stereo.

Just use the earphones, okay?

Whatever you do, I don't want you playing

my records on that piece of garbage

that you bought at the flea market.

All right?

Good night.

[sighs]

♪♪ [loud funk]

[switches to earphones]

♪♪ [muted]

- [blasts volume] - Aah!

Oh!

Oh. Why did you do that?

[mouthing words]

Oh, great. Now you've done it. Now I'm deaf.

You're not deaf, but why...

Why is it that every time you have insomnia,

you take it out on me?

'Cause you're my brother.

Who else am I gonna take it out on?

- I hadn't thought of that. - [laughs]

Tell you what, since you're up, let's go shoot some pool.

- Come on. - As if I had a choice?

Yeah, come on. I'll even give you the break.

Oh, I can't wait to go get dressed.

[Woman on P.A.] All passengers arriving

on Flight 10 from San Francisco

should pick up their baggage.

Hi, Sharon.

[knocking]

[knocking continues]

[Man] Look, Miss Dameron, we called the airline.

They're not worried about her. You shouldn't be, either.

They're not worried about her 'cause she's off duty.

Look, Sharon and I befare identical twins.l.

There's a sort of bond between us.

I know when something's wrong with her.

Does your sister check in with you

every time she goes someplace?

- Of course not. - Then why all the fuss?

Come on, you're just making things hard for yourself.

Go on back to San Francisco and relax.

Your sister's gonna come home in a few days,

or show up, or call in for work...

Or wash up on some beach,

or end up in the trunk of some car.

Miss Dameron, I've done everything I can.

Now, you can come back in 48 hours

and file a missing persons report,

but that's it.

- [bang] - Ouch.

Excuse me, miss, are you all right?

[sighs] I don't think so.

Do you work here?

Yeah, I'm with the D.A.'s office.

Look, if it's any consolation to you, I know how you feel.

I've run into a few walls around here, myself.

Would you like some coffee? You wanna come in?

Oh, I'd love some coffee.

So, how's your toe?

- Oh, it's not broken. - Good.

Look, I wanna thank you for taking me seriously.

Police must think I'm some kind of nut.

It's just that I'm really worried about Sharon.

You know, I've got a couple of friends

who could probably help you find her.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

And one of them makes a lot better coffee than this, too.

[bell ringing]

[thud]

- [Janet sighs] - [groans]

- Come on. - [A.J. groans]

A.J., I'm so glad I called ahead.

Mm-hmm.

Late night last night?

Um, why don't you all step out on the deck,

and I'll bring the coffee out as soon as it's made, okay?

I can't. I've gotta get back to the office.

Maggie, why don't you go ahead?

It's all right, he's had all of his shots.

Hah.

Will you please try to focus your eyes?

She's really scared.

I'll be gentle, I promise.

Oh, thanks for the business.

No, A.J., it is not business.

It is a favor that you're doing for me.

And I think by now you owe me at least one.

- Mm-hmm. - I knew you'd understand.

See you later.

Oh, where's Rick?

Um... I don't know.

Hi.

You okay?

- I... I'm fine. - Good.

Uh, you want some coffee?

[Rick] Now, this is you, right?

- No, no. - Wrong. This is Sharon.

- Right. - It looks like you.

Yeah, well, we're identical twins.

- No kidding? - No. I'm older by 3 minutes.

Well, we don't need this picture.

We could just take you around and say,

"Hey, have you seen this woman?"

Wait a minute.

When I arrived this morning,

there were clothes all over the place.

They were hanging from the drapes,

they were on the bed.

Well, maybe she was packing, she went on a trip.

No. Her luggage is in there.

Maybe she just got back and she was unpacking.

Strange.

It's like somebody was in here,

taking inventory.

Well, how is it now?

I mean, do you see anything peculiar now?

Everything.

Sharon's not this neat.

I mean, she dresses great and she looks great,

but down deep she's really a slob.

Maybe she hired a maid.

A stewardess with her own maid.

- Right. - Hmm.

Okay, there's this neatness freak, see?

He can't stand messes,

so he busts into people's apartments

and he cleans everything up.

Moving right along.

Um, this guy in your dream,

you think you could recognize him?

Yeah.

But you've never seen him before?

No.

Why?

Come on. I'll explain later.

[car drives by]

What can you tell me about his skin tone?

It's, um, ruddy.

Flushed.

Good.

It's his eyes.

They're um... They're heavy-lidded.

Like he's almost asleep.

Anything else you can tell me?

Anything at all?

No.

Is this the man?

Yeah.

[clears throat] Do you mind?

Not at all. Thank you.

- Hi. - Hi.

You want something?

How'd you ever guess?

[woman chuckles]

Must be those big baby-blue eyes.

Miss Fairbanks.

You are Miss Fairbanks, aren't you?

Call me Rhonda.

Rhonda.

Well, since Beach Boys did, I guess I can, too.

I'm Rick. The guy over there is A.J.

Hi.

- A.J., huh? - Uh-huh.

What does the "A" stand for?

"Available," I hope.

Yeah, but you gotta call ahead for reservations.

Listen, Miss Fairbanks,

we've been trying to track down Sharon Dameron

without much success,

and we understand she's a friend of yours.

Hey... Hey, what is this, the FAA?

- No. - Is this another stewardess probe?

Listen, what we do with our own time is our business.

No, ma'am. We're not with the FAA.

We're private investigators.

See?

Hey, Rhonda, you wanna go wind surfing?

In a minute, pal.

Listen, you got any idea

where we can start looking for her?

- No. No, I really don't. - Hmm.

Well, have you ever seen this man before?

Sure.

He flies Allied International all the time.

You know what his name is?

No, not off hand.

Uh, he always flies coach.

He doesn't say anything.

Come to think of it, um, you know,

each time I work a flight with Sharon,

- he seems to be on it. - Really?

[flicks water]

Minute's up, pal.

Okay, guy.

Now, I'm gonna give you just one chance

to talk about this nice.

[sloshing]

Hi. Can we stop by the house so I can change?

What for?

All right, look, I know it was all over in a second,

but the least you could do is help out a little bit, you know?

Hey, I don't believe in suicide, you know?

Hey, you're getting my seats all wet.

This is Rhonda Fairbanks.

I'm a friend of Sharon Dameron's.

I'm not here to tell anybody how to run their own lives,

[breathing erratically]

[echoing] Sharon, Sharon, Sharon...

Sharon.

[crying]

You don't know how long I've waited, Sharon.

You don't know how long I've waited for you, Sharon.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

Hey, hey, okay. All right.

All right, all right.

- It's okay. - [crying]

It's all right. It's all right.

It's all right.

Despite all the fantasies I've had

about crashing into a stewardess' locker-room,

I don't really think I can squeeze into a size 8.

Yeah, and I look lousy in heels.

You certainly do.

Hey, seriously, though.

If you're uncomfortable with this,

we'll come up with another way.

Uh, no, I wanna do something to help.

Well, am I convincing?

[sighs]

Well, you'll get no argument from me.

I would growl, but Gloria Steinem might not like it.

Well, go ahead and growl.

[growls]

Well, you can growl all you want,

but let's growl on the way to the airport.

[laughs]

Hi.

Sharon?

How you doing?

Uh, never better.

- Are you flying? - No.

What are you doing here, then?

Well, I was just...

Oh, you missed a flight attendant meeting this morning.

Anybody not flying was supposed to be there.

Needless to say, Caulfield was not very happy.

Oh, Caulfield. Who cares about Caulfield.

[laughs] Really.

Uh... Look, April,

there's something I need to find out.

There's a guy who's on a lot of my flights,

and, uh, well, he's an artist

and he did this sketch of me.

And he said if I ever wanted a full-blown portrait,

I should look him up.

I didn't know you were into artists now.

I thought you only went for the high rollers.

Well, he's a very successful artist, my dear.

And besides, he's not one of those barefoot guys

that hangs out at Oceanside.

Oh, yeah? Is he into nudes?

I'm dying to find out.

Problem is, uh, I can't remember his name.

Did you say he was on a lot of your flights?

- Uh-huh. - Oh, well that's easy, then.

Just go on over to Reservations,

and whoever's on the computer should be able to punch up

your passenger list for the last three or four months.

Uh, then cross reference or something

and find out which passengers are listed for more than one flight?

Exactly.

Ta-ta.

Oh, and by the way,

I'd think of a better reason for looking him up

than wanting to have your, um, portrait done.

Heh. You're just jealous.

Hey, thanks.

What are friends for?

- Here you go. - Thank you.

All passengers arriving on flight 10 from San Francisco...

- How'd it go? - You get a name?

There's several passengers

that have taken Sharon's flight

over the past three months,

but there's one name in particular.

Allen Wincoop?

Yeah, he was on all of her flights,

every single one.

Shouldn't be too hard to find some guy named Wincoop, huh?

Well, first thing in the morning,

I'll ask Janet to run it through the police computer,

see if he's ever been picked up for anything.

Yeah, good idea.

If she does,

then we'll get a mug shot on this guy.

And if that matches the sketch, we...

- [groans] - Whoa! Ooh.

Ooh.

Okay, just relax.

Take a deep breath.

Try to calm down.

Then, you can tell me who you're working for.

Not that I don't know already.

If you know already, why are you asking?

You tell your boy that if he keeps digging up this dirt,

it's gonna backfire and bury him.

I think we struck a nerve there.

Just what kind of dirt is it that you think

we have on our shovel?

If I were you, I'd forget the name Sharon Dameron.

- Sharon Dameron? - Sharon Dameron?

- Who is that? - Sharon Dameron?

I don't think I know her.

No, I remember Sharon Wilcox.

- Yeah, yeah, in third grade? - Yeah, and there was Sharon...

[groans]

- [glass breaks] - [clattering]

[punching]

Aah!

[fighting continues]

Stay away from Sharon Dameron!

A.J.?

Rick?

Hi, Mom.

What happened here?

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah... Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine, Mom.

We just had...

the Chargers in for a little scrimmage.

You were playing hockey in here?

Uh, football, Mom.

The Chargers are football.

Oh, that's better?

Where's your brother?

That's a good question.

Rick?

[Rick] Yo.

Where are you?

[Rick] That's a good question.

I think I'm over here.

Are you all right?

Ugh... Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I think I'm just gonna lie down here

for a few minutes, okay?

[metallic clang]

[A.J.] No, we're fine, really.

Besides, we have an excellent health plan.

[Maggie] But who were those men?

Just delivery boys.

Unfortunately, they didn't leave a business card.

You sure you have no idea

what they meant when they warned us

about not digging up all that dirt?

I wish I did, but as far as I know,

Sharon's got nothing to hide.

Well, I'll try and find out.

You stay put and we'll be in touch.

- And Maggie? - Yeah?

Try and get some rest.

Okay. Bye.

Aah!

Earthquake.

No, just a minor fault rumble.

[chattering]

I'd like to have a kid one day.

Well, I believe the first step

is generally considered to be marriage.

Maybe I could rent one.

Why don't you just become a big brother?

I already am a big brother.

To whom?

- Hey, did you find something? - Maybe.

Where is the copy of that sketch we had done?

On your desk.

Here you go.

- Damn. - Wincoop.

Mm-hmm.

What, this guy has 12 home addresses?

Yeah, apparently so.

Let's get Myron to check them all out for us.

What was he arrested for?

For violating a civil order.

He fell head over heels for some fashion model,

so he started following her around, and proposing marriage,

and giving her all these gifts she didn't want.

That's harassment, right?

Intentional infliction of emotional distress, to be exact.

Oh, excuse me.

And the model had a restraining order slapped on him...

- Which he ignored. - Which he ignored.

And he continued invading her privacy,

so they picked him up.

What, he's in jail?

No. He would be in jail if he weren't rich.

He hired a battery of lawyers

to get him off the hook by getting a court order

to have him see a psychiatrist

for treatment and observation.

So, this is our fellow, huh, a loony?

A well-to-do loony.

Which means he could've been the guy who hired

those four fun-seekers who jumped us yesterday.

Yeah, rich and nuts. Wonderful combination, isn't it?

Well, listen, do you think Maggie's up to hearing some of this?

[Both] No.

No, she's too shaky.

Why don't we wait till we have some more.

Well, it's all in there.

And this is the guy that was on all those flights of Sharon's.

We find him, we find Sharon, right?

Mm-hmm.

Um, I wouldn't count on it, Rick.

A while back, that model that Wincoop was so obsessed with

disappeared.

Well, the police brought Wincoop in for questioning

and they came up dry, so they released him.

Well, with everything we've got now,

won't they reopen the investigation?

A.J., we've got too much up in the air.

We don't have enough on paper.

I wanna know what happened to the model.

So, you're an officer of the court,

Mr., uh, Moynahan?

What can I do for you?

I'm here on behalf of Judge Reinholdt.

He referred a patient to you.

Um, Allen Wincoop.

What about him?

We wanna know what progress he's made, if any.

Well, why is the judge so interested?

Hasn't he been getting my monthly reports?

[sighs]

Why don't you call him and ask?

Sit down.

♪♪ [instrumental]

[screams]

Three down, nine to go.

Boy, oh, boy.

[doorbell rings]

Yeah, well, checking over his file,

I found that he listed

12 different home addresses.

Yes, rental properties.

His mother left him all those houses

when she died.

But I don't think he rents them.

I think he lives in them.

I think he stays in one one night,

and then another the next.

Don't you find that behavior a trifle odd?

Curious, perhaps.

But in the light of all the progress

I've been making with Mr. Wincoop,

that small aberration is a detail.

You see, I've been able to reduce

his anti-social tendencies by, oh, 50 percent.

And his propensity for violence is now finally under control,

thanks go an intensive medication schedule.

- You've got him on pills? - Of course.

Mood elevators for depression and tranquilizers for stress.

And just to play it safe,

I prescribed an extra barbiturate maintenance program.

Now look, Allen has his problems,

but so do you or I, Mr. Moynahan.

I told the court that as far as I'm concerned,

Allen Wincoop is in no danger

of harming either himself or others.

[applause on TV]

We must fight corruption at every level.

Crime, what about crime?

We must stamp out crime,

make us strong again.

With freedom and justice for all.

With justice and equality for all.

My wife, Mary.

♪♪ [organ plays "Hail to the Chief"]

- [turns off TV] - Son of a...

Come on, Moynahan, let's go. We got a 51-50.

I'm not quite through here, yet.

You are now.

We gotta make a campaign contribution.

Now come on!

Thank you, Doctor.

Well, there's another one down.

- [thud] - [groans]

How are we doing? You see anything?

Nothing.

Whoop... Whoa, whoa.

- Bingo. - What?

Sharon, I don't like it any more than you do,

but I've got an election to win.

We used to have such fun together.

Now the only time I see you is up here in this hideout.

Because it's safe up here.

Look, honey, a scandal would ruin everything right now.

And with my esteemed opponent losing in the polls

and desperate enough to hire detectives...

[chuckles] He'd love to smear me before the election.

We just can't take any chances.

When it's all over,

we can go back to the way it used to be.

I promise.

Oh, really?

When the only person I ever had to hide from was your wife?

[tires screeching]

[truck tumbling]

[crash]

Put 'em up.

Let's go.

Uh, going, yeah.

You don't wanna talk about this, do you?

I don't wanna talk about anything.

Just move.

Hey, boy, you sure move quietly through that brush.

I'm... I'm impressed.

There's not many big guys can move that quietly through the brush like that.

That's very, very impressive.

[sighs]

- You, hold it, right there. - [groans]

Nice work.

If you can get it. [moans]

- How you feelin'? - I think my body's broke.

Sharon?

[screams]

[screaming]

All right, here's a revised itinerary

of your trip up north next week.

Ah! Take it out real slow. Hand it over.

- What's going on here? - Stay seated.

You, keep your hands on the table.

Out here, move!

All right, all three of you, down on the ground.

Face down,

arms outstretched over your head.

You, call your sister.

My sister?

Your sister, call her, at your place.

[dialing]

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

[ringing continues]

I can't believe she actually did this.

Do you realize how much trouble she's caused?

Nobody knows about Bill and me.

If this gets out, he could lose the election.

I think she was worried about you.

Typical Maggie.

Frustrated Mother. She oughta get married.

Yeah, well, I hear that's not all it's cracked up to be.

- Call her again. - I just did.

Call her again. Maybe you dialed wrong.

She said she was gonna be in all afternoon.

It's my home number. I think I know what it is.

Please, for us.

[dialing]

Now, before we go,

I wanna talk to you about your trained apes here.

They busted up a sizeable chunk of my house.

I don't have to take that.

Shut up, Lloyd.

Send me the damages, and I'll see that you're reimbursed.

You do that.

Still no answer.

God, family, and the American way, huh?

A.J., remind me to register to vote.

Come on, let's get out of this love nest.

[dogs barking]

I thought some champagne might be appropriate.

[locks door]

I hope I didn't hurt you.

If you'd like to change your clothes,

we have a closet full of clothes here...

Dresses, slacks, blouses, shoes,

all the latest design,

and they're all perfectly tailored for you.

In fact, you'll even find some of your own clothes

duplicated here.

Of course, I couldn't find everything.

You... You've made a terrible mistake.

I don't think so.

I haven't introduced myself. I'm Allen.

I'm not who you think I am.

Of course you are.

Why are you doing this? What do you want?

I want us to be friends, Sharon.

[groaning]

- Myron? - [moans]

What happened?

What happened?

What happened? I'll tell you what happened.

Some guy played "king of the hill" with my R.V.,

with me in it.

Why didn't you tell me the guy was dangerous?

I'll call the apartment again.

Let me see.

Ow, oh.

And to think that I went through all that

for 30 bucks.

Well, you're just gonna have to pay the deductible for the van.

Okay.

Plus $120 for new eyeglasses!

Sure, you got it.

All right, so when am I getting paid?

A.J., no answer.

Hold on, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

At least tell me where the aspirin is!

Oh! Oh.

Oh, Myron, you're getting too old for this sorta thing.

I've provided everything here for you

that I could possibly think of...

A television, a radio,

why even a telephone.

It isn't connected yet, of course.

But someday, after we've developed a trust between us...

Well, who knows.

I'm not Sharon.

I'm her sister Maggie.

If you prefer the name Maggie to Sharon, that's fine.

I'm not Sharon!

You're the woman I've fallen in love with.

I've loved you from afar,

and now I wish to express

the depth of my affection for you.

I didn't expect you to love me at first,

but in time.

In time.

For the day when we're husband and wife.

Well, he got her.

Broke in and he got her.

Which one does he think he has,

- Maggie or Sharon? - Sharon.

And what's he gonna do when he finds out that he's got Maggie?

Let's give the love nest a little call.

[brakes squeal]

Well, let's try number six.

Right.

Whoap, whoap, whoap. Hold it.

If this is the right place,

there's no sense letting him know we're here.

- Any way in? - Maybe.

Let's try the roof.

You can't just keep me here.

Why not?

Because, uh, it's kidnapping.

Well, I knew you'd think that at first,

but it's not.

[screams]

That's Kathryn.

The first woman I fell in love with.

A model. She was very beautiful.

Unfortunately, things didn't work out between us.

Well, here.

To us.

[glass breaks]

Sharon, I abhor violence.

- [gasps] - But I'm not afraid to use it.

[commotion in other room]

Stay where you are!

Now put those guns down on the floor.

Hey, now, Allen, you've got the wrong girl.

You've made a mistake here.

That's not Sharon.

That's her twin sister. Her name is Maggie.

No, I don't wanna hear this.

Now, we can prove it,

because Sharon's right outside.

Just let us go get her and bring her in.

No, it's a trick. You brought the police.

No, no. No police, I promise you.

I give you my word as a gentleman.

Okay?

Okay, now, Allen,

I'm gonna go open the door, okay?

I swear to you,

if there are police out there, I'll kill her.

There's no cops.

I promise.

- Maggie? - Now wait, wait, wait.

Easy now.

No.

It's a trick!

It's not even her twin!

[screaming]

Oh!

- You okay? - I'm fine.

A.J.?

- You all right? - Yeah.

[bike engine starts]

Yah!

Maggie, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I love you.

No, that is not you.

I know. Sharon insisted.

She says I oughta find some new vistas.

Uh-huh.

Well, I hope that leaves something to the imagination.

Well, what you see isn't always what you get.

And besides, I doubt I'll never wear it.

I mean the orb of a stewardess

is different from that of a sixth grade school teacher's.

And you know something?

I like mine better.

Anyway, I'm gonna go put some more makeup on.

- Okay. - Okay.

- You want us to take that? - Yeah.

Okay, we'll meet you in the car.

Okay.

After you, Alphonse.

Merci, Gaston.

You know, for a pair of identical twins,

they're about as identical as we are.

What's so different about us?

Nothing different about me. It's you that's different.

Gotta have a little more respect for your elders.

Especially when they're so much older.

In fact, you're so different, I think Dr. Wertzman

would find you an interesting case.

You know what the penalty for fratricide is in this state?