Original subtitles

- Who rides for truth? - Rough Rider!

Who rides for justice?

[both] The Rough Rider!

[Announcer] Tonight on Simon & Simon...

Any moron would pay $5.00 to see that twinkie...

Is it true you accepted $5,000

from Barnett on the night of the murder?

Now, the answer to that question's the only thing

standing between you and the big swing.

Was there another body?

I want her found, and I want her dead.

[tires screech]

I made a deal with the devil.

I put a price tag on the Rough Rider.

♪♪ [theme]

[horse neighs]

Yeah, it ain't much further, Betsy.

Let's go.

[truck honks]

[Man] Testing, testing.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Royal International Studios wants to thank

each and every one of you for coming out here today

and helping us to kick off

the most exciting motion picture of the year.

[clapping]

And now,

I want to introduce you to one of the true towering talents

of the entertainment industry.

A gentleman who's brought us all

so many thrills and chills and great adventure,

with such legendary classics of the silver screen

as Good Day for a Lynchin',

The Lonely Saddle, Death Posse.

I mean, I could go on all day.

Folks, standing over here

with his lovely, lovely wife Shelby...

One of the real legends of our industry,

and one of the few really nice guys...

The producer responsible for launching the return

of the Rough Rider, Mr. Kern Barnett.

[clapping]

You got a blockbuster here, Kern.

It's gonna be your best picture ever.

That won't be difficult.

Ever seen Teenage Mutants From Space?

And now, guys, hold on to your hats,

and your wives,

'cause you're about to see the exciting debut

- of an explosive new talent, - [sirens approach]

Blane Kipe, the new Rough Rider.

[sirens arrive]

[clapping]

Now, let's get both these guys up here.

How you doing, kid?

- Come on up, gentlemen. - Yes, indeed.

[clapping continues]

Hi, thanks very much.

Folks, I'm a man of few words.

I let my pictures do the talking for me.

But this kid, he's the future.

Now, this is a very special day for me.

I had my first success as a producer

on the original TV series of The Rough Riders, Sage Rush.

Look, up on the hill!

- [crowd chatters] - [horse neighing]

It's the Rough Rider!

[crowd mumbles]

Start rolling. This is gonna be better than the movie.

[crowd cheers]

Howdy, folks. Howdy, kids.

[cheering]

Who rides for truth?

[all] Rough Rider!

And who rides for justice?

[kids] Rough Rider!

You see, Barnett?

They believe in the Rough Rider. And they believe in me.

- You can't change that. - Get the hell outta here, Buck.

[crowd cheers]

You fool.

How could you let a washed-up relic

like Buck Yancey make you look like

a yokel fresh off the bus from Des Moines.

How the hell did I know that yo-yo was gonna flip out like that?

I had a restraining order on him.

Then why's he still wearing the outfit?

He's blown our whole credibility.

Any moron would pay $5.00 to see that twinkie,

he ain't worried about credibility.

Well, those morons are gonna see you

with egg on your face, tonight at 11.

I'm telling you, Kern,

if you can't handle a loser like that,

I'm beginning to wonder if you're really a winner.

Now you take care of Yancey, and do it soon...

Or else you're going to lose a lot more

than this stupid picture.

[hissing]

You want to watch this stuff with me?

No thanks, darling. I'm getting ready for bed.

Only a couple of reels. I'll be up in a few minutes.

[toning]

Return of the Rough Riders, scene 10, take 28, mark.

[gun fires]

[gunshot]

I'm looking for Simon & Simon Investigation.

I was at the office, and the young lady gave me this address.

The young lady? Oh, you mean Kathy at the day care center?

I'm not sure. I found her tied to a tree.

That's her, yes.

Hi, I'm A.J.

This is my brother Rick.

- Uh, Jonathan Evans. - Hi, nice to meet you.

Why don't you come in? We were just about to make some coffee.

Uh, have a seat.

Well, what can we do for you?

A pal of mine's in a peck of trouble, up in L.A.

And I wanna hire you fellas to help him out.

He was arrested and charged with murder this morning.

I don't believe it.

You're Toby, the old prospector.

The Rough Rider's sidekick.

- Guilty as charged. - Wow.

Hey, how do you do? [laughs]

Gosh, boy, we used to eat a lot of playground dust

playing Rough Rider and Toby.

Boy, did we ever.

Big brother wouldn't let me,

but I always wanted to be the Rough Rider.

- Hey. - Funny, so did I.

[everyone laughs]

Wow.

Well, it's really an honor to have you here.

But, uh, I don't suppose

nostalgia's gonna help your friend.

Who is it?

Well, you already know him.

It's Buck Yancey, the Rough Rider.

Hollywood success is like a wild bronc.

Once you're up there, you gotta break it

before it throws you out of the golden saddle.

Funny, that's the only beast that Buck couldn't ride.

He lost it all, except the hat.

And Barnett was trying to take that away from him.

You see, they was bringing back the Rough Rider

in a new movie.

And Barnett was forcing Buck to take off the hat

to make room for his new star.

Well, the only income that Buck's got

is the personal appearances with the rodeos

and the parades and the shopping centers.

You take away the hat, what's he got left?

Do you think he killed him?

He had enough reason to.

I haven't seen Buck in a year or so.

And if you want to know the truth,

well, the old prospector and the rider

might have been blood brothers,

but Jonathan and Buck was just two guys

alongside each other working on an assembly line.

Well, okay maybe there's more than that.

All I know is, Buck needs somebody on his side.

Now, you do the best you can.

He deserves a fair shake.

- Okay. Great Scott. - Hmm.

That's our year.

Well, maybe the Old Prospector

didn't find gold in them there hills on TV,

but when the show folded I got into real estate,

and you might say that I struck it rich

in the hills after all.

Looks like it.

Hey, uh, good luck.

[both] Thank you.

Ah, they're nuts.

There's no way Buck Yancey killed somebody.

Nah.

I mean, we're talking the Rough Rider here.

The tension is running high in Superior Court number 6.

The irony... the Rough Rider in the Hall of Justice.

Everyone here is very anxiously waiting.

Oh, wait, here he comes. Buck!

Buck, is it true you accepted $5,000

from Barnett on the night of the murder?

- No comment. - Were you drinking heavily that night?

- No comment. - Buck, don't you have anything to say

to your thousands of fans who believed in you?

- No comment. - [woman] Excuse me.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Maybe it's just 'cause he's not up there in the saddle,

he looks taller on TV.

You sold the hat for 5,000 bucks?

Oh, I tried fighting for it,

but Barnett's lawyers got the courts to keep me

from wearing it in public any longer.

[sighs]

Oh, it ain't right, but that's the law.

Who rides for justice?

Some Beverly Hills lawyer.

Where did you go after you left Barnett's house last night?

I don't remember.

What do you mean you don't remember?

Well, come on, Buck.

We're not just shooting a breeze, here.

The answer to that question's the only thing

standing between you and the big swing.

Maybe you oughtta try and remember.

Won't do any good.

- [sighs] - Wait a minute. I don't understand.

What are you saying?

You blanked out? What happened?

No, you boys don't seem to understand.

You see, I like my bourbon.

I like it a lot.

Oh, man.

Don't you remember anything?

Yeah.

I remember going to Barnett's, and picking up my money,

and then going out and buying my first bottle.

- That's all. - Well, you just keep reading, Buck.

Maybe there's something else.

All that bourbon couldn't wash out the bad taste you had in your mouth

after you swallowed your pride, could it?

It just made you sick at your stomach for selling out the hat.

So, you went back and you killed him.

You say you can't remember. Maybe you don't want to remember.

Maybe you can't face what you were then,

and what you are now.

Hey, boy, you haven't been

walking this earth long enough

for me to finish my story.

Now, it ain't about who I was.

It's about who I wanted to be,

and what I was trying to say.

Now, to kids like you, none of that has changed.

If I was up there again, I'd be riding that same old trail.

But, I had to survive.

I mean, that's the game in this town.

Oh, yeah, there are guys like Barnett

who can crown you as a hero today,

and spit you out tomorrow.

You know, I was on the packages of breakfast cereals

Now, that's all I can afford to eat some days.

Yeah... Yeah, I took Barnett's money.

So I could survive a little bit longer.

But, I didn't kill him.

I had no reason to.

[exhales] Guard.

Partners,

out here I might not remember what happened last night.

But in here, there'll always be Saturday morning.

We will all miss Kern Barnett,

a loveable giant in the industry,

a man with a heart as big as the silver screen he loved so much.

The man is gone, but his art lives on.

Barnett, a pioneer

in the social consciousness wave of the '40s.

Who an forget Dangling Boots,

his taut, gripping examination of justice in the Old West?

Films like Pistol-Whipped,

Barnett's classic film-noir crime melodramas

are studied in college campuses across the nation.

The award-winning Murder at Peyote Springs.

And who could forget Nine Foul Men?

[sighs] I hate wearing black.

You look sensational in black.

Well, did you find the girl?

Not yet. Don't worry about it.

You have her phone number.

Can't you find a way to get an address from it?

Yeah, things take time.

Damn it, Arnold!

That gives her more time to go to the police

once she hears Yancey's been charged with murder.

She's not going to the cops.

Chick's a hooker. I picked her up.

She don't know who I am, or where to find me.

I want to know why she didn't show up

to pick up her bonus.

Don't know. Maybe she's with another client.

Everything has been letter perfect up to this,

but she's the only one who can give Yancey an alibi.

I want her found today.

And I want her dead today.

[knocking at window]

Let's get this over with.

[Man] No wonder he got that Utah location so cheap.

It was two miles from ground zero

on an atom bomb test.

Nice guy, Kern Barnett.

Toby was right.

It's a wonder somebody didn't murder him years ago.

[Woman] And afterwards,

we get up from the couch and he tells me I don't get the part.

He should rot in hell.

I wouldn't miss this for anything.

I just wanted to make sure he was dead.

[Man] He crossed out my name on the script

and he put on his.

[child] Yeah, he told me my dog was run over

just to make me cry for the camera.

Aw... It's no good trying to find somebody

who wanted to kill him. That's everybody.

All we need now is an alibi.

- Let's see if we can round up some of Buck's friends. - Mmm.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

The Rough Rider Rides Again.

Well, that's what being accused of murder

will do for you in Hollywood.

This ain't on the tour of the movie stars' homes, you know.

I... I know, I know.

But you looks like you would make a wonderful guide to me.

Welcome to the Rough Rider Suite.

[chuckles]

Police have already been here.

They didn't find anything.

- Hey, Rick? - Yeah?

"To Buck Yancey, a great American hero...

- "Dwight D. Eisenhower." - What?

Hey, what are you boys looking for, anyhow?

An alibi for Buck

for the night of the murder.

Well, lots of luck.

Hey, I got a great idea for you.

- Try the drunk tank. - Oh?

Yeah, he's a regular.

Only makes it back here about half the time.

Or sometimes, he sleeps on that bench

down at the bus stop.

From the White House to the Drunk Tank.

Yeah, he was a real big shot once.

Now, he's just shot.

Hey, I used to be in pictures too, you know?

Really?

Uh, I need a list of any of Buck's friends

that you can think of.

Oh, uh... [laughs]

His horse, that's all.

Well, of course there's old Barney.

You know, down the block at the map stand.

There's a real good friend of Buck's,

especially when Buck doesn't owe Barney any money.

A.J...

You're not gonna believe this.

Wow.

Hey, why don't you try it on?

On you, it'll look good!

Nobody wears this hat but Buck.

Marjorie Main's double.

In the long shots, uh, mostly musicals.

I was a much better dancer than Marjie.

I'm sure you were. Uh... So anyway...

Oh, anyway, Buck was here last night,

about 8 or 8:30, Didn't stay too long.

He only came back to pay me some money he owed me.

I run a sort of a bank.

Only for friends, you understand.

Then he went on to the Broken Saddles.

[Together] Broken Saddles?

Oh, that's a saloon about three blocks east.

Oh, I remember.

He was supposed to come back later and pick up this.

He left his Emmy Award here?

Collateral.

All the best banks have it.

Besides, it isn't worth a dime.

Thank you.

♪♪ [piano]

[music stops]

Whiskey.

[chatter, music resume]

You boys lookin' for a good time?

Like?

I can get you to the front of the line

at the Carson Show.

That sounds lovely, but, uh,

actually, we're looking for some information.

We're trying to establish an alibi for Buck Yancey,

on the night of the murder.

Don't look like no coppers to me.

Um, private eye.

I hate private eyes.

You replaced all the Westerns on my TV.

I used to be in pictures, you know.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

Buck was in here last night. We all were.

Well, how long did he stay?

Mm, about two bottles.

But he was sharing them with a high-class hooker.

What, he came in here with a hooker?

No, she were already here.

She was as out of place

as a princess in the cattle drive.

We don't often get ladies of that kind around here.

But you're sure she was on the meter.

Oh, she was a hooker all right.

Her pimp brought her in here, set her up at the bar.

Guys were hitting on her all night.

She's not interested.

Then old Buck comes in.

Buys her a drink.

Next thing you know, they're getting real friendly.

Over there in the corner.

I saw 'em leave together.

Have you seen her since?

No, but her pimp's been looking for her.

He's been in here a couple times already.

Well, let's just stick around

and have a couple of more drinks.

We don't like lawmen.

Don't pay him no never mind.

He never played anything

but a secondary supporting gunslinger

and couldn't remember his lines.

Nobody could learn a script as fast as I could.

Do you think you're faster than me?

A little girl with pig-tails that's cross-eyed

is faster than you.

[grunts]

They're gonna tear the place apart.

Yeah, sure looks like fun.

Routine number 9!

Whoa!

Thanks.

[laughing]

Anytime.

All props.

Nobody gets hurt. Everybody pulls their punches.

Thanks. I needed that.

- I'll have a beer. - Yes, sir.

Better let me handle this.

Been here before.

Hi.

I'm, uh, interested in a good time.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I understand you might be able

to introduce me to that nice little blonde thing

that was in here last night?

Who's your friend over here,

dressed like the vice squad?

Who, him?

Conventioneer.

He's an optometrist from Cleveland.

Come on, what do you say?

Good old blonde that could open his eyes up?

You gon' be seein' her?

Sure.

Hey!

- You all right? - I'm fine.

Okay, come on, stay on your feet. Let's go.

- On my feet. - Come on. Let's go.

[grunts]

[engine starts]

Why'd the guy take off?

Maybe he didn't think it was a good idea

to hit me in the head with a bottle.

Guess he didn't want anyone coming around his blonde.

If he's a pimp,

that's a strange way of drumming up business.

You mean to say I was with some beautiful blonde

and I don't even remember?

That hardly seems fair.

Damn it, Buck, you were with a beautiful blonde hooker.

She wasn't any hooker.

Oh, oh, I see. That you remember.

- That's right. - Yeah.

How can you be sure?

Because I didn't pay for it.

You positive?

Listen, no matter how much I drank,

that I'd remember. I remember that always.

Well then if the guy

at the Broken Saddle wasn't her pimp...

He must be looking for her

just as hot and heavy as we are.

Say, do you boys mind filling me in on this?

They used to call it dry-gulching.

We're guessing that our man paid this girl to, uh...

Keep you out of sight while the murder took place.

- Oh, a setup, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Man's worst enemy... vanity.

I should have known that that pretty little thing

wouldn't be interested in an old hoot like me.

Set me up, hmm?

You know, my gut kinda told me that

when that fella called and told me

he was from the studio,

and he was gonna invite me

to that publicity thing.

Wha... Who?

Wait a minute, somebody called you?

What was their name?

I guess I should have asked, huh?

No, he said he was from the studio,

and it had been a long time since I heard from them.

I just didn't think to ask.

All right. Um...

Well, let's get back to the blonde.

Now, she had to have a last name.

Now, I've seen you, Buck.

Whenever you meet a lady,

you always call them Miss,

and this was Miss... By dang, you're right.

Yeah, after a while, her name was Miss Elsa.

Yeah, yeah, but, uh...

In the beginning, it was Miss...

Miss... Miss, uh...

Something German, like, uh...

Like one of the classical music fellas.

Ah, Mozart.

- No. - Uh, Beethoven.

- No. - Welk.

Wagner.

- Brahms. - Brahms, that... Brahms?

Well, I'm not so sure.

- Like Brahms. - Yeah.

Okay, now, All right. Where'd you take the girl?

I don't remember.

- Don't remember. - Where'd you wake up?

By a pool, in a lounge chair.

The Orange Towers Apartment.

[sighs]

[car doors close]

[Rick] Well, there's no Brahms,

but there's an "E. Bach."

[A.J.] Could be Elsa. 302.

Not there.

[Man on phone] Yes?

Hi, it's me.

Who's me?

Oop, sorry. Wrong apartment.

[Woman] Hello?

Hi, it's me.

[door buzzes]

[tape rewinding]

[beep]

[Woman on machine] Elsa? This is Dottie.

Could you watch the dog for me this weekend?

Call me later.

[beep]

[Man on machine] Hi, this is Domicile.

I'm in town at the Wilshire Hotel.

I'd like to see you if you're free.

Call me later.

[beep]

This is Mr. Smith from the other night.

- I have your bonus. - Bingo.

Meet me at the same place at noon.

[beep]

[Woman] Elsa, darling, where are you?

I've been looking everywhere.

I have something for you tonight.

A dress for dinner.

And wear a lot of underwear.

Please call and confirm.

By the way, Rick Stoff is in town,

and he may call.

Not acceptable anymore.

His American Express card has been canceled.

- Tsk tsk tsk. - [beep]

This is Mr. Smith again.

I have to talk to you. Very important.

I'm waiting at the same place.

Mr. Smith sounds very nervous.

Wouldn't you be,

if the only person who could identify you

in a murder case were missing?

You know, she's gonna be in a lot of trouble

if he gets to her before we do.

Uh-huh.

What do you got?

[Rick] Raccoon Boutique.

[A.J.] Guess it pays to advertise.

Tell you what.

You go buy something nice for Mom.

I'm gonna find a cozy spot outside

and see if she comes home.

See you later.

- I'll meet you back here. - Right.

You have very good taste.

That's a Myerling design, from Austria.

Oh, it's lovely.

That's only $25.

Well, actually, I was hoping I could see Elsa.

- Is she around? - No.

Does she know you?

Oh, yes. I'm Andy Simon from San Diego.

We're old friends, if you know what I mean?

Yes, well, I don't know where she is right now.

But we have several other

lovely sales reps that could help you.

No, I like Elsa's personal taste.

Yes, she loves the Myerling design, too.

Well, I expect her very soon.

She has clients for tonight.

Perhaps if you're free a little later this afternoon.

- Yes, that'd be fine. - Then I'll have her meet you

at the Beverly Lounge, say, 3:30?

Great.

Um, how are you going to pay for the scarf?

Cash or charge?

Charge.

Fine. Well, let's see.

With tax, that'll be $175.

Thank you.

Well, maybe I could call you later.

Elsa!

Elsa!

Miss Bach!

Aah!

[Woman on phone] Who's there?

Hi, it's me.

Not this time, buddy.

Hello, Miss Bach? Miss Bach, are you there?

Hello? Hello?

Hi, it's me.

[Woman on phone] Uncle Harry?

Yeah, yeah, it's me.

Open up, I brought you a big present, Tiger.

[door buzzing]

[door buzzes]

[door buzzes]

The guy walked in on me.

What was I supposed to do?

All right, tie him up and gag him.

I'll buzz you when I get there with the limo.

And Arnold? For God's sakes, stay cool.

I'll take care of everything.

Thank you.

- [phone ringing] - Come on, let's get out of here.

[phone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

Elsa?

[gasping]

[crowd chatter]

Who is that? Who is it?

My neighbor Elsa.

Was there anyone else?

Was there anyone else? Was there another body?

No, no.

[engine starts]

[chanting] Free Buck! Free Buck!

Free Buck! Free Buck!

In a dramatic turn of events this afternoon,

no doubt influenced by the thousands of letters

and telegrams flooding in from across the country,

an L.A. county judge has reduced the bail

set for Buck Yancey, the Rough Rider.

He is charged with the murder...

Oh wait, here he comes. Buck!

Buck, we're live here.

Uh, Buck, the rumor has it that your bail was paid

by your old friend and former psychic Jonathan Evans.

- Is it true? - Mm-hmm.

And it's not the first time Toby has saved the Rider.

Buck, can you tell us how you feel right now?

Well, I tell ya, it feels mighty good

that these people still have faith

in not only the Rough Rider,

but Buck Yancey, too.

Now, if you excuse me, there's something I gotta do.

Oh, can you tell us what it is?

I'm gonna change my way of living.

[Shelby] Let it out.

[hissing]

I always knew I'd find a use for that snake.

When it's over, we'll dump him way out in the desert.

[brakes screeching]

- Hey, Barney. - Hi, Buck.

Barney, you've gotta do me a favor

for old times' sake.

You've gotta give me another loan.

Aw, come on, Buck.

You know the rules.

You do this to me every time.

I'm tired of supplying you bottles to hide in.

Not this time, honest.

I give you my word of honor.

I made a deal with the devil.

I put a price tag on the Rough Rider.

Said I'd never wear the hat again.

Barnett made me sign a contract,

gave me $5,000.

And you want to buy it back.

I can't sleep with myself unless I do.

You see, but I'm 50 greenbacks shy.

50 bucks to beat the devil?

Mm, that's too good a deal to pass up.

Let me get my old money out here.

Okay, sweetheart. Here we go.

40... 45... 50, and 5 on me. Take a cab.

No, thanks. I got my own transportation.

[laughs] Bye-bye, Buck!

Bye. Thanks, Barney.

Okay, everybody. Come on,

get your maps to movie-ville town!

[hissing]

[humming]

[hissing] [humming]

[brakes screeching]

[engine revving] [tires peeling]

[brakes screeching]

[engine stops]

[humming]

Relax.

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

[Woman] It's been half an hour.

Why don't you go down and check on him?

[Arnold] Look, let's not rush it.

I'm not so anxious to go down to the cellar with a snake.

[hissing]

Rick.

You know,

you're gonna make him very nervous.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

- Did he bite you? - Yeah.

Kinda. It's a little like

getting nipped by a kitten, though.

Barnett must have had its poison glands removed.

I've been lying here playing possum.

[hissing]

Well?

[cocks gun] Let's go.

[hissing]

[grunting]

[Woman] I'll shoot! I mean it!

[Arnold] The snake bit me!

Need a little help here.

Is that the gun you used to kill your husband?

And I'll kill you, too.

Hmm. Uh, you want to take care of the errand boy?

Don't worry, there's no rush.

I blocked the driveway.

My kind of guy.

Do we wanna leave her in here with the snake?

Let the snake look out for himself.

[engine starts]

[brakes screech]

Well, he's not gonna go anywhere,

but we probably oughtta go round him up.

[Rick] Hey, it's Buck!

[A.J.] What's he doing here?

[Rick] I don't know, but he got here

just in the nick of time.

[A.J.] Should we stop him?

Ah, let's leave one for the Rough Rider.

Get him, Buck!

[galloping]

[panting]

[galloping]

[neighing]

Who rides for justice?

[Together] The Rough Rider!

Yeah!