Original subtitles

- [alarm sounding] - [Announcer] Tonight on Simon & Simon...

- Is this orangutan a friend of yours? - Barf, get him up.

Since I'm dressed, we got to get out of here and find Rosalie.

- You just found her. - Say what?

This is a police problem, and the police ought to be handling it.

Julie is the official custodian of Daddy's memory.

She would've married him if it had been socially acceptable.

[Myron] He got a nice tax write-off

when he donated it to the museum, you know.

- He was dead. - I think I know who stole the painting.

Oh, no.

Please, man, don't drop me.

♪♪ [theme]

[softly] Daddy.

Hey, Daddy, can you hear me?

[doorbell rings]

[door opens]

[doorbell rings]

- How is he? - He doesn't want to see you.

Well, I want to see him.

Don't you upset him. I'm warning you.

Would you stop it?

[softly] Daddy?

Don't talk, Daddy.

Oh, let him do what he wants.

Rose... Julie... We're here, Daddy.

No.

Phone... Leo... Juries.

[clock chimes]

Not yet.

[phone rings]

Navy Museum. Stallard speaking.

Milk? Oh, yeah. I forgot. Sorry, honey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. On my way home.

Low-fat or regular?

Yeah. Whole wheat or white?

Wait a minute. I'll write a list.

[whispers] Hey.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Hey, it's okay, man.

We got permission. See, the admiral's a friend of ours.

[alarm sounding]

[alarm clock ringing]

Morning, Marlowe. How you doing?

[clicks tongue] Come on.

[Rick] How long is that gonna take?

Mmm, about ten minutes.

You going to need any help?

With what?

Moving your boat. Remember?

No.

Today is the day that you promised to move your boat.

- I did? - Uh-huh.

Why would I do that?

I'm on a waiting list at the marina for a new slip.

- That could take years. - No, it won't.

I called the marina right up the coast.

There's a space available right now.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Trailer's got a flat. - Well, that's easy to fix.

Yeah, I know, but the power wagon's down.

You know, the battery from that's in the '57, so...

Well, what you do is you take the battery out of the '57,

and you put it in the power wagon,

and you jack up the trailer, and you fix the flat.

Then you hitch the trailer to the power wagon,

and you get your boat out of my yard.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Yeah, of course I remember you.

How have you been?

Hey! You can forget about that.

We've got a job.

Morning.

Simon & Simon Investigations.

Yes, sir.

Thank you much.

Wait a minute. That's what you said being a private detective was.

So? I stole it from the Navy.

Navy? Wait a... Hey, wait a minute.

Who's paying us? The insurance company or the Navy?

Neither.

Then who's paying us?

Oh, you probably don't remember her.

Julie Arthur.

Oh, no!

Yes, I remember Julie Arthur,

especially the time she called the cops on me.

What do you want? We broke her window playing baseball.

It was the admiral's window. What did she care?

She just never liked me.

Offering to buy back a stolen painting from the people who stole it

is the same as rewarding a criminal for committing a crime!

- You may be right, Lieutenant. - I am right, sir.

Another thing, this is a police problem, and the police ought to be handling it.

That portrait means more than money, Lieutenant.

It's a tribute to the memory of a man who was my friend...

A Navy man, a man that devoted his life to the service of his country.

- Now, the insurance company is willing... - Julie?

To put up the money to get it back.

- Hi. - Nice to see you.

Thanks for coming so quickly.

Oh. You look lovely.

So do you.

[chuckles]

Oh. You remember Rick?

I remember him.

Oh, gentlemen.

For the record, up front,

Lieutenant Bell and the police department

don't approve of what we're about to do here.

We don't, either, but it usually works.

I understand that you gentlemen have done this sort of thing before.

So, since Julie knows you, the museum is quite willing

to let you handle the recovery.

We would like you, however,

to be as, uh, discreet as possible.

Of course.

Lieutenant Bell is willing to give you 24 hours.

Cutting it just a little fine, isn't it?

Well, how long does this, uh, sort of thing usually take?

A few days would be nice to make contact with the thieves,

work out a few details.

Twenty-four hours is all you get.

Fine.

Uh, where's he going?

I don't know.

[reporters talking at once]

Okay, listen up, folks. We got a statement for you.

The Western Pacific Insurance Company

has authorized a payment of $100,000

for the return of the painting within 24 hours.

There'll be no questions asked.

Anyone with any further information

may contact the offices of Simon & Simon Investigations

at 555-6470.

That's 555-6470. Excuse me.

What about the story?

Get a shot. Get them on the run.

- [all talking at once] - Please. I'll answer all your questions.

Is that your definition of discreet?

No. It's my definition of 24 hours.

[phone ringing]

[A.J.] Thank you for calling Simon & Simon Investigations.

Our staff is not in the office at the moment.

Yeah. Simon & Simon.

[sighs] I already subscribe to the Tribune.

No, I don't know a friend

who would like to subscribe to the Tribune.

You're welcome.

You don't subscribe to the Tribune.

I subscribe to the Tribune.

Yeah, but I read yours. What do you want, a quarter?

Remove your boat, then you can have your own subscription.

I promised to move my boat today.

You're the one said we had to work!

[sighs]

[Man] Regarding the theft of the priceless oil painting last night.

An offer was made for its return today

at a press conference by Richard Simon.

Hey, Rick, I just saw you on TV.

Look, there you go again.

You don't look that bad.

What do you want, Myron?

What makes you think I always want something?

A.J., your brother is such a cynic.

What do you want, Myron?

Nothing. Look, I was just in the neighborhood.

Well, I thought I could help you guys out on this case.

Well, thank you, Myron.

We appreciate it, but we don't need any help.

Hey, listen, I could run down the background on this painting thing,

find out everything about Admiral Arthur.

Fellas, it's always good to know every detail on a case like this.

All we got to do is just sit here and wait for the phone to ring.

You mean you think the crooks

are going to pick up the phone and call you

just because they saw you on TV?

- Yeah, we do. - [laughs]

- Well, that's ridiculous. - Yeah.

Look, in all my years as a private detective

not once... never... Did any criminal

ever pick up the phone and make a date with me.

- Maybe it's his mouthwash. - Could be.

You're a very funny man.

Well, I'll tell you what.

- I'll bet you 20 bucks. - [phone ringing]

Yeah. Rick Simon.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

We're going to wire you.

We're going to put a directional radio

on your car and one on the briefcase here.

No, you're not.

We made a deal. We're not going to break it.

Okay, it's your show.

Wasn't that just a little too easy?

[bell dings]

Hey, guys. What's going on?

- Hey, Lester. - Hey.

I need to borrow some of your tools.

- What happened? You guys broke it already? - No, no.

We just need to work a few bugs out.

Um, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go out and get us a six-pack?

Sure. I can go for a cold one. I'll be right back.

All right.

[bell dings]

[horn honking]

Hey, you!

[whistles]

Hey, you!

I haven't got all day.

Hey, fella, I'm talking to you.

Don't you understand English?

[speaking Spanish]

Nobody talks American anymore!

[Rick] Muchas gracias, señor.

[clinks]

[muttering]

Full service!

[breathing heavily]

If you think that's going to change my mind, pal, you're all wet!

I'm writing your head office

and tell them how rude and lazy you are!

[speaking Spanish]

[whirring]

- [alarm sounding] - Go! Go!

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

- What's going on? - Where is it?

- Where's what? - You know what I mean!

No, I don't know what you mean!

- Where is it? - Where's what?

What are you doing in there?

Uh, let me handle this.

Got to know how to talk to these people.

Let's see the money.

What, do we look stupid? Let's see the painting.

Painting's in the back of the van.

You show us the money.

[chuckles] Forget it.

Hey!

Show him the money.

[groans]

[groans]

[reporters talking at once]

Possibly. Possibly.

[Woman] Is there any connection between the theft in Florida?

[Rick] Oh, no. I don't think it's...

A.J., thank you. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.

Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen!

This is not Van Heinikin's Death of a Brass Hind.

It's a copy! And not a very good copy at that.

- [murmuring] - I told you two.

- [Lieutenant Bell shouting] - Oh, my God.

- You all right? - I think I know...

- You what? - I think I know who stole the painting.

You what?

My sister Rosalie and my father never got along.

And then one night, they had this terrible fight,

and she told Daddy that she was going to steal his painting.

From the museum?

No, it didn't go to the museum until after Daddy died.

But it wasn't just that.

It was the way she threatened to do it.

She said that she was going to replace it with a copy,

so every time Daddy looked at it,

he'd wonder whether it was real or not.

- She really hated him. - I remember her. She was a cute kid.

There was this one time when I was in high school. I was out on a date.

Rosalie must've been, like, uh... I don't know... 10 years old or something.

Anyway, she came up to the car, and she said, "Hi,"

then told the girl I had a social disease.

Do you have any idea where we can find her?

Uh, no, I haven't seen her since the funeral.

Some of her friends say that she hangs out

at a night club named after a rat or something.

A rat?

Chez, uh... Chez... Chez Vermin.

- That's it. - Yeah. Still there.

Better go take a look at it.

Come on, A.J.

- I think you ought to go alone. - Say what?

Well, Rosalie and Julie still don't get along,

and Rosalie knows that Julie and I used to be f-friends.

So if she sees me with you, you know...

I'll tell you what, though,

I'll do some background research on the case.

- Real good. - It's boring.

It's not glamorous, like going to a night club.

- Bye. - Have a good time.

Mm-hmm.

♪♪ [rock]

Hey, I'm looking for this girl.

Have you seen her around here?

No.

Give me a beer.

It's a nice place.

And it's a pleasure to meet you.

Uh, uh, name's Simon.

Rick Simon.

I'm, uh, here looking for a friend of mine.

Name's Rosalie. That's her picture right there.

Have you seen her around?

Get out of here before I sit on you.

Do you want to know about The Death of the Brass Hind?

I would love to.

Well, it depicts a very famous naval engagement.

- Does it? - Uh-huh.

Nazis stole it during World War II.

They did?

And my daddy searched all over the world for it.

Really?

Yes.

[Man] Bonsoir.

- Bonsoir. - Bonsoir.

If I may suggest, monsieur,

we've just received a shipment of Château Fontainebleau.

Mmm.

That sounds delicious.

- Mm-hmm. - How would like it?

Medium rare?

Uh-huh.

Medium rare.

The Château Fontainebleau is a wine, monsieur.

Yes, of course it is. Um, how is it?

Medium dry.

I... Um, that sounds... That sounds fine.

- Could we see a menu, please? - Oui, monsieur.

Excuse me. Um...

Uh, guys, I'm trying to find this...

Wow... particular girl here in this, uh...

You still here?

Yeah.

Hey, wake up.

Come on. Wake up.

Rosalie?

Who the hell are you?

I got ID right here in my...

In my hip pocket.

Why don't you tell him to take his foot off?

No.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

There you go.

Hey, I know you.

Yeah. Hi.

Um, is this orangutan a friend of yours?

Uh-huh. See, he thought you were somebody else.

I got a couple of guys been threatening me lately.

- [forced chuckle] - Barf, get him up.

Do you want to come in?

It's late.

I know.

But you haven't seen Daddy's study yet.

That's true.

It might be important.

It's where he kept the painting.

I think I definitely should see it.

[clang]

It's a very interesting room.

I, uh, haven't changed a thing since he died.

It says a lot about your father.

Do you want to see the rest of the house?

I'd like to see your room.

Um, I don't know if I want you to.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Till after you've seen the rest of the house.

[gasps]

I'm sorry.

That's okay. I'm into pain.

[chuckles] Maybe you should get into punk rock.

No, I don't think I could go that far.

Stupid lyrics, boring beat, you can't dance to it.

Best I can do is give it a 27.

Why did you come looking for me?

- To ask you a question. - What question?

Did you steal the painting

that your father donated to the Naval Museum?

Little Miss Priss put you up to that, didn't she?

- Mm-hmm. - That creep.

That was ten years ago.

But you did threaten to do it, didn't you?

I never really did get along with my father.

It's not that I didn't love him.

I really did love him.

But, uh, he was always so distant,

and... and he had Julie,

so I was always looking for ways to get to him.

That's when I told him

I'd switch his precious painting for a fake.

That got to him.

He hit me so hard across the face

that I ran away, and I never went home again.

I called up these guys who made a habit of stealing things,

and I told them about it, but nothing ever came of it.

[crying]

All right?

Was one of them a guy with short hair

and the other one built kind of like

a walk-in safe with a smooshed face?

- No. [chuckles] - Oh.

Landers had long hair, down to his shoulders,

and Bernard had an Afro.

That was ten years ago.

Then they are the guys.

Give that man a Kewpie doll.

[sighs]

You know, I didn't even know

the damn painting had been stolen

until Landers called me up

and threatened to smash in my face

if I let on who they were.

Which one is Landers?

He's the skinny, meaty one.

Want a beer?

It is considered polite

that when you're in somebody else's house,

you ask before you raid the refrigerator.

Ooh. Aren't we uptight.

- [forced chuckle] - [mock chuckles]

What do you think of my new hair?

As little as possible.

Change your mind about the beer?

Yeah.

[shower running]

Hey, Rick.

Save me some hot water, okay?

Oh.

How'd you make out last night? You have any luck?

I'll tell you,

since I'm dressed, we got to get out of here and find Rosalie.

You just found her.

Hi.

Oh. Hi.

♪ To him, love's a sport ♪

♪ A minor recreation ♪

♪ A girl in every port ♪

- ♪ A sexual vacation ♪ - Hello, hello! Anybody home?

No.

- Where's A.J.? - In the house.

[muttering]

You don't want to know.

[chuckles]

- Hey, no, don't stop. I like it. - Okay.

A.J.? A.J.!

Oh, there you are.

Listen, I got all that info you wanted.

- I didn't want any info. - Sure you did.

On the Van Heinikin and Admiral Arthur.

Now, first of all,

the admiral searched all over Europe for that painting.

It was, uh, sort of an obsession with him, you know?

- I already know that, Myron. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Now, hold on, A.J.

Did you also know that it became such an obsession

that he had special security precautions

built right into his own house to protect it?

I mean, the guy was a real bug about burglaries.

And I think that's funny.

Now I'll tell you another thing that's interesting.

He got a nice tax write-off when he donated it

to the museum, you know?

- He was dead. - Yeah.

And how about this? Go ahead. Read it, read it.

His dying words were, "Phone Leo Juries."

His daughter Julie told reporters she had no idea who that was."

- Uh-huh. - Hmm.

Tell Bernard it's Rosalie.

Mm-hmm.

And tell him he's in a lot of trouble.

If he doesn't want it to get worse, he should give me a call.

I like your style.

Oh, I'll tell you what.

I was going to charge you a C-note for everything,

but, uh, I'm going to give you a discount.

75 bucks.

50. And I'll write you a check when I get to the office.

When are you getting to the office?

Later. We're waiting for the guys who double-crossed us to call back.

[laughing]

- Is that another 20? - No, no, no.

- I don't want to take your money. - Mmm.

I'll stop by later for the check.

[phone ringing]

Yeah. Rick Simon. Uh-huh.

How you doing, sweetie?

That's not nice.

- Hey, we had a deal, man. - Yeah, we did.

You double-crossed us. Now we want to know where the real painting is.

Hey, come on, guys, huh?

You know how it is. No hard feelings, right?

Right.

- We just figured we'd give it a try, you know? - We know.

You just forgot one thing.

We gave you $100,000, and we want the real painting.

Where's the painting?

We're listening.

Landers will kill me if I t...

I'm going to kill you if you don't, and my way will hurt a lot more.

[Bernard] Okay. Okay.

It was sold to a doctor

over at Ranchos los Robles.

What's the name? Get to the name.

Courtney, Willis. Willis Courtney

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know what they say?

What goes around comes around, right?

- [mutters] - Right.

[whistles]

[vehicle approaching]

Yes, I thought so, too.

[doorbell ringing]

Allan, would you see who that is, please?

It's the police.

What's the meaning of this?

- Are you Willis Courtney? - Yes.

I have a warrant for your arrest.

Arrest? You can't be serious. What's the charge?

Receiving stolen property.

To wit... Van Heinikin's painting

of The Death of the Brass Hind.

Why, that's the most ridiculous thing

I've heard in all my life.

This Dali was stolen from the Alexander Museum.

Picasso's Blue Hand from Vienna.

Man and Boy from Florida.

And this Chagall was reported missing

from a private collection in Canada.

Here it is.

- [reporters talking at once] - Ladies and gentlemen, please.

All of your questions will be answered at the proper time.

- Would you stand back, please? - Could you estimate the value of the painting?

It's invaluable, my dear, yes. Now, please.

When will it be replaced?

As soon as we can get it back in the museum.

First we have to answer all the questions of the press.

[Woman] There really is no estimated value on it?

[Danforth] I will be able to answer all your questions in just a few moments.

- [reporters, Danforth continue] - Don't say anything for the time being.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What's wrong?

I don't want to see her.

Come on, Julie. If it hadn't been for her,

we wouldn't have gotten the painting back.

Don't you think you two have carried this feud on long enough?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a statement to make.

The Naval Museum is deeply indebted

to the firm of Simon & Simon Investigations

for their diligence in finding and returning this priceless work of art.

Thank you. To give credit where credit is due,

we couldn't have done this without the help of quite a few people.

First of all, Lieutenant Bell here from the police department.

- Also, of course... - Excuse me. I'm...

I'm sorry, but I must interrupt.

I have some bad news. This painting is also a copy.

Oh, it's a very good one, I must admit,

but it's a copy nonetheless.

[reporters talking at once]

[whistles]

[running footsteps]

Landers!

[yells] Don't try it.

Come on, Landers. It's all over.

[screams]

Please, man, don't drop me.

You picked a fine time to play games with me.

I want to know where the real painting is.

I don't know what you're talking about. No, man!

Bernard told you where it was!

Bernard told me where the fake painting was!

No, man. That's impossible.

The first one was the fake we were going to replace the real one with, I swear!

The second one was just a better fake!

I'm going to drop you, Landers!

No, come on, man! I'm telling you!

It was the one we stole! It was the one from the museum!

I'm not lying to you! I swear!

Please!

A.J., why don't you let him up?

I got an idea.

Well, do you think you could give me a hand?

Oh, I can probably do that, yeah.

Here you go, tough guy. Come on.

[police radio chatter]

I'll tell you what I was thinking.

What if Admiral Arthur had the second copy made himself?

He was paranoid about getting that painting stolen.

Is that like people who wear fake jewelry

and keep the real stuff in safe deposit boxes?

Yeah, right. The painting was supposed to go to the museum after he died,

but he was the only one who knew where the real real painting was.

Then he had a stroke and couldn't talk.

Yeah, but he had something important to say.

- "Phone Leo Juries." - Right. Exactly.

And since he told Rosalie and Julie about this,

one or the other of them must know who this Leo Juries guy is.

- Ah, but they don't. - Maybe they just don't think they do.

She's not welcome in this house.

Now, wait a minute. We're not asking you to be friends.

We're not even asking you to be polite to each other.

We just want to figure out what your father was trying to say the night he died.

If you want to know the truth, I think it

took a lot more for Rosalie to come this far

than it's going to take for you to open the door and let her in.

Well, we're not here to play Family Feud.

We just want to see if you two can jog each other's memories

and figure out who Leo Juries is, or was.

I hired a private detective to find him after Daddy died.

They couldn't turn up a trace.

I never heard of him.

Rosalie doesn't remember a lot of men.

She was either too drunk or stoned to remember their names.

That's right, sweetie.

[A.J.] Anybody else?

There was a man that stayed with us for a while.

He was Vietnamese.

Chinese! Jee Chin.

Whatever! He and Daddy used to go out drinking

and come home stumbling in the middle of the night.

- That's a lie! - It is not!

You only remember what you want to remember about him!

You see, Julie is the official custodian of Daddy's memory,

just like she was his official companion before he died.

She would've married him if it had been socially acceptable.

[yelling]

- I don't want to watch this. - Maybe we could sell tickets.

You can't stop, can you?

You had to torment him when he was alive,

and you keep doing it now that he's dead.

He was a pretty poor excuse for a father.

[Julie] And you're a pretty poor excuse for a daughter.

[Rosalie] I never claimed to be the world's most perfect daughter, unlike yourself.

Leo...

Juries.

Real nice, if it's that easy.

Oh, well.

That's the way it was when he died.

Julie kept everything exactly the same.

I wonder.

[clicks tongue]

I'm sorry.

That was a lousy thing for me to say.

You know, there's nothing wrong with loving your father.

I was always jealous of how close you two were.

Oh, Rosie.

Did you think that I wanted

to spend all my time taking care of him

while you were out there living your own life?

I thought you liked taking care of Daddy.

I would've helped, you know, if you'd asked.

Well, I hate to break up all this frivolity,

but I think we might be on to something in here.

Your father had this room specially built, didn't he?

He sure did. Every inch.

It's funny. It looked larger to me when I was a kid.

I guess I was just smaller.

What did you find out?

Well, we think we know what your father was trying to say

when he said, "Phone Leo Juries."

See, "Leo Juries" is an anagram

for "Rose" and "Julie,"

the two people he loved the most.

See, what your dad wanted you to do

was walk over to the phone

and spell "Leo Juries."

L-E-O... J-U-R-I-E-S.

[whirring]

- [Rosalie gasps] Wow! - [Rick] The painting.

That's fantastic! Can you believe it?