Original subtitles

Thank you.

God bless America again.

You must know the trouble that she's in.

You know, I wish God would bless America again, like he did

way back there when it all began.

He blessed her then, but we sort of took it for granted and didn't ask again.

So let's just kind of hold her hand now, that's all.

In case she stumbles, let's don't let her fall.

Let's go live to TV 10's Kelly Breen.

Kelly? Well, Brad, it's a big day here in Niagara Falls, New York, where the

presidential motorcade is expected to pass by in just a few moments. As you

see, the turnout is, well, pretty much nonexistent, which is rather surprising

considering this is the first time a president has been here since all the

back in 1901 when William McKinley stopped by and was shot.

God bless America.

You must know the trouble that she's in.

America.

When you don't have a lot of book learning, there's many things you don't

understand.

But I know this much.

She's like a mother to me.

I love her with all my heart.

And let me tell you this, mister.

Everything I am or ever hope to be, I owe to her.

Topping the president's agenda today will be a speech at the recently closed

Hacker Defense Plant.

Hacker, you may recall, was closed. 10 ,000 employees laid off due to the end

the Cold War, which pretty much rendered useless all of the military supplies

that they produced there. In fact, the public is being encouraged to not only

stop by and listen to the president's speech, but also perhaps maybe pick up

a bargain. We understand there are some good deals left on items ranging from

missiles to light armament.

By the way, one of those laid off employees this morning had quite an

altercation. Here you'll see that this ex -hacker employee is trying to deface

the image of the revered R .J. Hacker, the chairman of that company.

He got away before he could be apprehended.

God bless America again.

You must know the trouble that she's in.

Wash.

Meanwhile, in other news, due to the record number of laid -off workers

to their death in Niagara Falls, the city council has just approved an

program. Sheriff's deputies who actually managed to talk someone out of jumping

will be getting $25.

If they have to go and retrieve the body, they'll be getting $50.

Jump! Jump!

Jump!

What will this one make?

Eh, the third one today.

Uh, ninth this week. Man, a week.

The bucks and the week's not over yet.

You stick with me, honey.

Hey, you know, if things keep going like this, we'll be back up to what we used

to make it happen.

You know it.

What is this guy doing up there?

That's a free country.

If he doesn't like it here, he can swim across the river to Canada.

A lot of work there.

Stay, honey.

God, I love you.

Just kidding.

I'm kidding.

Let me get this straight.

You shot me because I didn't want to go on living?

Yeah. You want me to finish the job? All right, relax, honey.

Roy, boy, would you please pipe down?

I was trying to make a statement about our plight.

At least the plight of those whose uncle ain't the mayor. Don't you mention my

uncle, Jack.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking nepotism. Well, I took that

and I passed it fair and square.

What about hand and herd job, huh? I'm your buddy.

Don't you mention honey like that.

Look, you guys.

My life has been complete hell since they laid me off at Hacker. Come on,

boy. We know how you feel.

It's bad. We all feel the same way. We've all had to make some big changes

our life since the plant closed down.

That's right.

But if life hands you a lemon, you've got to crush it into lemonade.

That's positive thinking.

Come on, smile.

Just want to make that little land.

Think we've moved that rubber tree plant.

Everyone knows that man can't move a rubber tree plant.

Come on, Roy, boy, sing.

hopes he's got high hopes he's got high apple

pie in the sky so anytime you're feeling low

just remember that

Resident here yet, Riley?

Officer Riley.

Oh, sure, sorry.

You fellas need any backup here, Officer Riley?

I don't think so, Sheriff.

Okay. You finding a lot of roadkill on the highway this year, Sheriff?

Oh, now we get to keep what we find.

Forgive me, where are my manners? This is my woman deputy, Honey.

Honey's been a real asset to us since she got her parole.

Next, I have an unused, air -delivered chemical weapon.

Guaranteed death within three minutes.

And what do I hear for this miracle of modern science? Do I hear 20 -11, not 20

-11, not 20 -11? Spread them out. Blow your brains out.

Where the hell have you guys been? We were pulling stiffs out of the falls.

What? You promised me I could pull the stiffs out this time. You know I need

money. Quit your bellyaching. We never got the 50. We had to stop Roy Boys from

jumping off the falls.

What? You're jumping off the falls now?

I was making a statement. Will you stop with the statement thing again?

Go get us a beer.

I do love an auction.

So, next, what do I hear for this beautiful wire -guided, uranium -tipped,

-and -forget thing?

And what do you want to say to that? $1 ,000, $1 ,000, $1 ,000, $1 ,000, $1

,000, $1 ,000, $1 ,000, $1 ,500 then?

That's $500, anyone?

$500. Come on, ladies and gentlemen.

Built right here in Niagara Falls, New York. This is your chance to own one.

build it, you can own it now.

Listen, can we get out of here? All these guns and white people are making

nervous. Will you ease off with that white people stuff?

You got me looking at them funny.

So, $25.

And next we have...

Pardon me.

Let me buy.

$100, please.

$100. Here, Jack, give me that microphone.

I reckon all of you know me. If you don't, I'm R .J. Hacker, and I own

Dynamics and Hacker Aerospace, Time Hacker, Hacker Up, John, and a bunch of

others. I don't even remember their names right now, and you don't care.

You're upset because I closed this plant and put you all out on the street.

But I want you to know I'm upset too.

In fact, I get kind of choked up thinking about it.

for kicking butt in every goddamn corner of the world.

Why the hell do we have to be here at these closings?

General, we're here to show the people that we care. Let's try to put on a

face today, shall we?

It used to be that you had your Russian reds, you had your Cuban reds, Hollywood

reds, here red, there red, everywhere red red, E -I -E -I -O.

But it kept us on our toes.

We didn't know who to mistrust, but we had to defend ourselves.

and you had good jobs to put meat on the table. But today we find ourselves

being destroyed, not by the Reds, but by a bunch of short -sighted,

bleeding heart, penny -pinching Washington wimps. Who is this guy?

R .J. Hacker, sir. R .J.? How about a little credit? I'm the only president

hasn't gotten us into a war. I think that's his point, sir. You have yet to

our boys into battle.

Well, send them where? Nobody's bothering us.

Send them anywhere, sir?

Guaranteed 30 -point boost in the park? Well, I'm not going to start a war just

to increase my popularity.

What can they do for 20 points? It makes me want to commit acts I cannot utter

in public.

Hey, here he is now.

The man that a thin majority of you chose to be president of the United

Little hard on the leader of the free world, don't you think?

Just what he deserved.

I tell you, this peace ain't always cracked up to be, especially if we keep

laying off thousands of voters.

Well, what would you suggest we do to keep these factories open, hmm?

Should I call up the Russians, see if they want to get back into it, huh?

that help?

Don't you get sarcastic with me, you little pisshead.

You just had an idea that I liked.

And I want you to follow up on it.

I want you to see to it that those Ruskies get back in the Cold War mode.

And if you don't, I'll see to it that you go right back where I found you.

Now, don't make decisions. Just do it.

Well, I want to thank you for that great welcome.

You provided the power to win the Cold War for the United States of America.

If we could take what we spent on just one day of the Cold War.

We could put our children through school probably for the whole year.

Now's our chance to do it.

It's time to turn off that war machine and turn on our children.

Turn on our children.

The time has come, fortunately, for us to beat our swords into plowshares.

Excuse me, do you work here?

You work here. I wanted to get a copy of the speech.

Copy a transcript or something. We missed the first one. And you are?

Oh, I'm sorry. Sheriff Bud Boomer, Niagara County.

And your handle is?

What? Your name.

Your name.

Stuart Smiley, the president's national security advisor.

Okay.

Stu, you're just the guy we wanted to see. I was wondering maybe you guys

you know, give us a little deal in our sheriff's department.

You know, we're looking for, what do you call those things? Oh, you know, those

are the M -16, the 40 -millimeter grenade launchers.

Flash, fragmentation, incendiary illumination, and smoke.

Let's go, please.

Are we putting on a play? It's for civil disturbances only. How many times

must the cannonballs fly before

they're forever banned?

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

The answer, my friend.

Okay, I'm in command here. Stay calm.

Get up.

What's going on, sir?

It's an honor to meet you, sir.

You know, I'm sorry I didn't vote for you in the last election, but I had to

stay home. You see, the cable company said the installers were coming between

the hours of... Pardon?

Oh,

I'm sorry, sir.

It's a good thing for you that the president liked me, Mr. Smart Guy,

otherwise you'd be in big trouble.

Yeah, right.

You must be really important, Boomer. Hey, did you see the cops last night?

yeah, I wouldn't miss it. I love the way they kept the video cameras running

while we were wailing away on those guys.

Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack.

Oh, it was awesome.

Hey,

Boomer, do you think we're ever going to be on cops?

You're damn right we're going to be on cops.

Wait till they see me throwing myself on that grenade.

He threw the president on the grenade.

Well, whatever.

Morning, Mr. President.

Morning, sir.

I have the results from the overnight tracking.

Would you care to hear the damage?

Yeah, I can take it. Oh, it's good news, sir.

Immediately after the assassination attempt, we got a 15 -point boost in the

national polls.

Oh, okay.

Of course, they dropped off considerably once word got out that you were still

alive. But the good news is the initial massive gains that Dow Jones made after

the assassination bulletin held for the entire business day. Well, that's good

news. According to this, rumors that you were clinically dead for five minutes

and returned to life boosted your rating with the religious right.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, there's also something in there. The voters felt that

your being alive or dead had no real bearing on their daily lives.

Well, you take that a couple of ways, you know.

With all due respect, sir, enjoy your single term.

You know, it's not fair.

I mean, every other president had all the Russians to blame for everything.

What have I got?

You know, Mr. President, it is really too bad that the Russians are no longer

the game.

Well, they weren't much fun anyway. Never got to kill a single one of them.

General, but without them, you and your friends would have had to get real jobs.

That isn't funny, Stu. You know, Stu's got a point. What point, sir? Well, of

course, you've got a point, too. My point, sir, is that Russia is in such

shambles, they couldn't sissy -slap us if they tried.

Well, they still have all those missiles lying around. 20 ,473 to be exact. Are

you kidding? One of the breakaway republics, Kazakhstan, is the third

nuclear power in the world. Are you kidding? Most Americans don't even know

where Kazakhstan is.

My travel agent can't find it.

Well, I can imagine why.

What do you want to do, sir?

About Russia, sir.

Yeah, why don't we call up and find out who's in charge over there this week?

Vladimir Krishkin. Vlad, that's great. I like him. That's good. Why don't we ask

him to see if he can come over here? You know, we can have, like, one of those

summit things.

Maybe we can work something out, like what we had with them before, you know?

That's an excellent idea. Good, great.

Super idea, sir.

We've got a contingency plan.

We'll bring it right in. Good, good.

Treacherous bastard.

Once a commie, always a commie. General, try to pretend you're not here. Shut

up, Peanuts.

All right.

Peanuts, this man's our only hope.

Mr. President, welcome to our summit.

You look great.

What's it?

Good. Have a good trip?

Wonderful. Truly wonderful.

We were wondering if you and I, you know, if we couldn't sort of get

together and, you know, mano y mano and sort of work something out.

Mix it up the way we used to, you know, in the good old days.

I don't mean a real war. I mean, just just a little tension.

Sort of help people forget about about things.

I mean, just... Oh, Mr. President, please.

Is this why you called us here?

We already gave up. You won.

We are too busy trying to protect universal indoor plumbing.

That's right.

Indoor plumbing. Maybe even a little central heating.

A big buick in every garage would be nice.

A few cellular phones, a compact disc, MTV.

What is the name of that other channel? VH1. Yes, VH1.

I'm so sorry, Mr. President.

We can't go back to the old days.

Please try and understand.

Good day.

It's a trick, Mr. President. You're right.

Why can't we talk this over?

What is there to talk over?

You're in charge of the world now.

Don't be a sore winner.

Look, I'm sure we could discuss this like civilized men.

Civilized men?

Is that what we've both been for the last 50 years?

Just a holy goddamn minute, you're... Comrade Jeff! Wait!

You don't go throwing your way around for half a century, blessing the whole

goddamn peaceful, freedom -loving Western world, and then...

You decide one day you don't want to tug the rope no more, do you?

Mr. President, I'm so sorry for this. Sorry for this? You may have spent

trillions on submarines and missiles, and what did all this rubbish get us?

Bread lines and Mayday Parade. We need

you. I need you.

You don't always get a second chance.

Maybe we could meet again. How about Geneva? We could meet at Geneva, a sort

neutral territory.

Goodbye, Mr. President.

And good luck.

Any more bright ideas?

What are we going to do for an enemy now?

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead. I missed anything?

Nothing.

Also dead.

These guys are all dead. What, are you working from an old list?

Sir, these are the kind of guys that we're looking for.

Well, this guy, he's still alive.

But he's down in Florida making life his place now.

She's reformed. And looking good.

You know, we were thinking, what could be a bigger threat than aliens invading

from space?

Ooh, boy!

Scare the shit out of everyone.

Even me, sir.

Jesus, is this the best you could come up with?

What about, you know, international terrorism?

Well, sir, we're not going to reopen missile factories just to fight some...

Creeps running around in exploding rental cars, are we, sir?

Turn on the lights.

I'm sorry. I'm appalled.

I'm surprised you let those killer bees off the list. That'd be a good one. How

about... How about Canada?

That's what I hate about coming here, you know? You gotta listen to that song

all the time. Check out the flag.

What is that? Is that a weed on there or what?

Come on, give me a break. Nice flag.

Let's go!

No bad language and no litter.

Time to play some hockey. Here we go.

Who let them loose then?

Take the brawl.

How come you never see any black guys playing hockey, huh?

Now, do you think it's easy to just gradually take over every professional

sport?

Let me tell you something, man.

Brothers are starting to figure out this nice thing.

Hope you enjoyed it.

got a care in the world yeah and how about the way they cheat at the world

series that's our game people i'll tell you another thing that

fear sucks

footage never seen on TV.

Amazing.

All right, now, how did you know that was a nuclear facility?

Well, they tricked us all down when that's a hospital.

But it's a hell of a strike.

We've got technology better than this we've ever been able to use. A riot

between Americans and Canadians broke out last night at a hockey arena in

Niagara Falls, Ontario.

Police estimate at least 60 people, including an American sheriff, were

overnight by Canadian authorities.

I want to call the American embassy.

All I said was Canadian beer sucks.

Can't we all just get

a room?

Boy, these Canadians are violent.

General, can I use your phone for a second?

Sure. Go ahead.

Yeah, Stu Smiley. Give me Central Intelligence.

Yeah, Canada Desk.

Jimmy. Hi, Stu.

What's up, Bill?

How you doing, Stu?

We route the heroin through Cancun.

Hold on a second. Yeah.

There's Gus.

What do you say, Stu? Long time no see, huh?

Boy, it's like the plaza in here, huh?

Yeah, it's got me in a temporary place here, that's all.

I see you're still proud of telling Kennedy to send in those advisors to

Vietnam. You're damn right.

In fact, the whole Vietnam War was my idea.

Not ashamed of it one bit.

They just followed my advice and gone nuclear.

Yes, well, I'm sure history will vindicate you.

I would have wiped out the Koreans, too, if I had had my way. Then we wouldn't

be driving behind them shitty little compacts of theirs. I got no pickup.

I think those cars are built in South Korea. Those are our Koreans, Gus.

Like I care.

Uh -huh. Well, what do you got for me? Anything? Something?

You mean Canada?

Yeah. We can't talk here. Let's go for a walk. Oh, okay.

You got a secretary hidden somewhere?

Hold your call.

Do you remember the big New York blackout? Sure.

caused by a Canadian hydroelectric plant at Niagara Falls. The Canucks claimed

that it was a faulty transmitter.

We had reason to suspect otherwise.

Why, what is it?

These Canadians suffer from a serious inferiority complex. That's why they

this. Canadian National Tower, the world's tallest freestanding structure.

say, and it can't figure out its purpose.

But there can't either.

Canadians are always dreaming up a lot of ways to ruin our lives.

The metric system, for the love of God.

Celsius.

Neil Young.

You're right, Gus.

Of course I'm right. It was crazy of us to have been so blind for so long. But

we thought, they're just Canadians.

They're practically the 51st state. We admired them. Clean streets.

No crime.

No minorities.

How'd they do that?

No slavery.

Their entire government is run by socialists.

Yeah, but it's not the real pinko stuff.

No, no, no, no, no. That's all wrong.

They've always had these tendencies.

Capitalism must be destroyed in all forms? What the hell is this? You see

mean? We haven't been paying any attention.

We think that, oh, they're a little strange with the socialized medicine

but do you know that they provide free college to anyone?

Free trains, free eyeglasses, free condoms.

Do your superiors know about this?

Ah, that has gotten us desk mammals ever since I told them we'd be back from the

Bay of Pigs by 10.

They've treated me like dirt.

Well, you've done a great job here, Gus. I'm going to make damn sure the

president knows of your fine work.

Like I care.

Canada? Did you say Canada?

The American people, Mr. Smiley, would never...

ever buy this mr president the american people will buy whatever we tell them to

you know that aren't you uh overlooking one major obstacle i mean like

how to get the average american to hate and fear canadians hell they're whiter

than we are gentlemen ladies allow me to clue you to a few rude awakenings for

those of you that think canada is a mom and pop operation It's time to wake up

and smell the snow.

Fact. Canada is now the second largest country in the world.

Fact. Canadians freely cross over our borders, walking among us, undetected.

How many of you knew that they eliminated the Miss Canada contest?

I think you're on to something here, Smiley.

Remember the Air Force C -130 that crashed mysteriously a few years ago?

And that just happened to it.

Curr over Canada, Mr. President.

My God, that's shocking.

When did they get rid of Miss Canada?

A year ago.

Jesus, I mean, suppose something like that, you know, like caught on down

One week, Mr. President. Give me one week, and I'll have Americans burning

leaves so fast they won't have time to think about their smog -filled lungs,

rising interest rates, or their dwindling savings accounts.

One week, sir.

Good evening.

Edwin S. Simon reporting.

NBS News has obtained Pentagon documents that show our neighbor to the north,

the sovereign nation of Canada, has embarked on a military program aimed at

United States.

Canada, known for ages as a polite and clean country, has, under a socialist

majority, undertaken a massive military buildup on its border with the United

States. I don't like Canada. It's freezing cold.

Canada owns more of the U .S. than any other country.

The Canadian.

They walk among us.

William Shatner.

Michael J. Fox.

Monty Hall.

Mike Myers.

Alex Trebek.

All of them Canadians.

All of them here.

Is Canadian Prime Minister Clark MacDonald a member of a satanic cult?

Most of Canada's vast military technology has been built and supplied

United States.

The Canadian National Tower in Toronto, erected to transmit nuclear attack

warnings from radar stations in northern Canada, is now solely in Canadian

hands. It is the height of six American football fields, or five Canadian

football fields, as if Canadian football really counts.

What would be the psychological motivation to erect a huge, long, rigid

First of all, there is no Canadian culture.

I've never read any Canadian literature.

And when have you ever heard anyone say, honey, let's stay in and order some

Canadian food?

Congress is also asking intelligence agencies to investigate why the

maintain a threatening lead in Zamboni technology.

Think of your children pledging allegiance to the maple leaf.

Mayonnaise on everything.

Winter, 11 months of the year.

Ann Murray, all day, every day.

Holy shit.

We're right on the border.

We're the first line of defense.

We have to get everyone organized.

All right, people!

Do not panic, I repeat, do not panic.

I'm in complete control. Now.

Honey, Cabral, Roy, Boy, and myself will guard the hydro plant.

Snake, you guard Ed's gun shop.

Del, the bowling alley. The rest of you guard this bar with your lives.

Yeah.

All right, people.

Let's move out.

Fighting soldiers from the sky Fearless men

Who jump and die Men who mean Just what they

say The brave men Of the Green Beret

Silver wings Upon their chest

These are men America's best

One hundred men

We'll test today, but only three.

When the Green Berets put silver wings on

my son's chest.

Make him one of America's best.

He'll be a man they'll test one day.

Have him win.

Who would have thought?

America against the scary Canadians.

Boy, I'm good.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

All right.

The American public's attention span is about as long as your dick.

You have got to give Americans something real, something they can get their

teeth into, something to make them cry, bloody murder.

Americans will not go to war, even a cold war, unless they truly believe that

their very lives are threatened.

What do you have in mind?

Back in the early 1960s, my old buddy Lyndon Johnson said, boys, why don't we

just bomb one of our own ships and blame it on the North Vietnamese?

That's what we did.

We shelled a U .S. naval ship in the Gulf of Tonkin. At least that's what we

told everybody.

As far as I know, that damn boat was out in the middle of Lake Erie.

But 24 hours later, the U .S. Senate voted 98 to... to

send troops to Vietnam.

That's an amazing story.

That's the truth.

And it can still work.

Like maple syrup, Canada's evil oozes over the United States.

How long will we remain silent to the screams?

Oh, that is stunning.

You know, everyone knows what it's like to get syrup on your fingers.

This guy's a genius.

Clark?

How's Claire?

You were just watching on NBS, really?

Well, I don't know what to think. I mean, it looks to me like you people are

planning something kind of nasty.

Well, listen, if you feel that way about it, goodbye.

I like this.

Mr. President, I think now may be the time to turn up the heat.

What? Like what? What do you mean? Well, what if... I'm just spitballing here.

Yeah, that's okay. Go ahead. A Canadian hit squad, i .e. trained professionals

who look like Canadians...

were photographed sabotaging an important installation inside the U .S.

Why don't we just go up there with the strike force and knock out their

infrastructure quicker than you can say collateral damage?

No. Why not?

Yeah, why not? Because a war with Canada would be over in a matter of days.

Do you remember Grenada? They didn't even wake Reagan up. Didn't have to. And

all we found there were a bunch of rich American med school rejects and a couple

Cuban construction workers. That's liberal bullshit. Cuba had a division in

there. What about Panama?

Oh, hey, yeah, that's right. Listen to this, listen to this. A couple days of

blasting deaf leopard over loudspeakers and Noriega ran out weeping. And Iraq,

ha!

They were supposed to have this big, bad army. They had the biggest cannon

invented by a Canadian.

72 hours after we invade, they're begging for a big map. They stopped us

miles short of Baghdad and we just sat there waving our dicks in the desert.

Mr. President, do you want more of that?

or 50 years of Cold War prosperity because Joe Schmoe American is scared

shitless the world's going to end before the next commercial.

Well, I think I like Mr. Smiley's approach. No, no, no, I really like it.

okay, here's what we're going to do. We'll get some special ops, you know,

disguise them as Canadians, and we'll let them blow something up.

But nothing valuable, okay? There are no casualties, all right? There'll be no

casualties. And Canada gets the blame.

We're just minutes away from blowing this hydro plant a kingdom come.

I'm back.

You got it, darling.

as S .O .B.'s back at Langley see this on the nightly news.

Freeze! The both of you!

Don't move.

Don't let anybody move.

Honey, Canadians under these wings. Bring the boys, quick. Who the hell are

Who the hell are you?

Get up there. Come on. Put your hands up there.

Come on. Put them up there.

Come on. Let's go.

Under the articles of the 15th convention.

And with the powers invested in me by the state of New York... Shut up, we're

American! Oh, yeah? Who plays quarterback for the St. Louis Cardinals?

have no idea, and I don't think... There ain't no more St. Louis Cardinals! They

moved to Phoenix!

Wait, wait!

Give us another one! Sorry, time's up. Confirm!

First these Canucks.

Then call the CIA, the FBI, the DA, and the AFPCA. And call Channel 5.

You're gonna be on TV.

The nation remains stunned today after the capture of secret Canadian agents

were attempting to blow up the hydroelectric plant in Niagara Falls,

The Canadians were apprehended by Niagara Sheriff Bud B. Boomer.

Our correspondent Charles Jackal, who is rejoining us after a stint at the Betty

Ford Clinic, kicks off our team coverage.

Chuck, it's great to have you back.

And it's great to be back.

I want to apologize for the hurt I may have caused that night to so many of

Especially those who are standing too close to the curb.

You know who you are.

Forgive me.

And it's a startling revelation.

Canada, getting ready to invade, has amassed 90 % of its population along its

border with the United States.

The longest unprotected border in the world.

Stretching from the Atlantic Ocean...

To that other one.

You'll be pleased to know, sir, that the hacker Hellstorm was delivered to and

installed in Toronto yesterday.

Good work.

Good work, boy.

When I found you, I said to myself, I can make something out of that sniveling

little sneak.

Yes, sir.

Sir, what exactly is the hacker Hellstorm?

I'm just curious, since I sold it and all.

Well, that's fair enough, Stu.

The Hacker Hellstorm is a devastating weapon.

A destabilizing weapon.

And it is capable of launching all the missiles in the United States at once.

Really? But the Canadians will never, ever use it. How can you be so sure?

Because I didn't give them the operating codes.

Really? They think it gives them an edge on high -tech weather forecasting.

Uh -huh. So the Hellstorm is harmless, yes?

There's Stewie.

look like to you?

Got me.

Never saw a white man that size.

The Canadian National Tower.

Maybe I better carry the guns.

Where are we going?

Boomer's got a special mission for us. He says the Canadians are too clean for

their own good. We're crossing over.

To Canada?

Yep. We're going in tonight to kick some Canadian butt.

Can we go to the tower?

No, I don't think so.

Cut the engine. It's making too much noise.

What'd you say?

From here on in, we have to be very quiet.

We're all going to have to paddle.

Get those oars in the water.

Come on. Put your back into it. Both of you, come on. Nice, easy change. There

you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Canada.

There is no more heinous crime than this in Canada.

Are you sure we're in Canada?

You smell anything?

No. Exactly. Canada!

Hey, don't look like my socks.

That isn't garbage.

That's my laundry.

Roy, boy, you idiot.

Pick this up. You stupid jerk. What are you doing?

It's my good stuff.

Hello. Who goes there? Freeze!

Johnny can knock.

Now, I must ask you to leave the park immediately and go back to where you

from. Scatter!

Everybody back to the boat!

Sir, you can't end your sentence with a preposition.

Oh, really?

Well, what would you say?

Well, I guess I'd say either go back from where you came or the preferred

Queen's English, go back be from whence thou came.

Oh, man, that was close.

We were staring that right in his face.

So, where's our honey?

Oh, man, we forgot honey.

I left honey behind. We left the man behind.

Boomer left... the man behind.

The Marines never leave a man behind.

Chuck Norris never left a man behind.

Wesley Snipes never leaves a man behind. She's all alone behind enemy lines.

I gotta think.

She's gonna be fine.

She's a survivor. She's strong.

She didn't kill anybody.

We have just learned that the Canadian government is holding an American

hostage. I have communicated with the Canadian Prime Minister our demand that

this hostage, this woman, hostage Honey, must be

released now.

Oh, my God.

To facilitate this, I've ordered our armed forces on alert.

and I've ordered them to prepare to engage in Operation Canadian Bacon.

And I want to say to Prime Minister MacDonald, surrender her pronto, or

we'll level Toronto.

God bless America.

God bless America. God bless you, Mr. President.

Honey. I miss you.

And I'm being good.

And I'd love to be with you.

If only I could.

This just in. We have received amateur videotape of hostage Honey.

Roy, boy, Cabral, quick!

Honey!

Oh, she's pissed.

You think?

She's mad at you, Boomer.

Boomer, you hear me? She is being held at Mountie Headquarters in Niagara

Canada.

Sources in the intelligence community speculate that Canada may be preparing

terminate her, which would certainly be in keeping with what we know about the

Canadians.

Terminate? No less than an act of war.

There's a time to think and there's a time to act.

And this gentleman, there's no time to think.

We'll have one more round and then we'll go.

Chester, another round.

He's having a chance to cool off a little bit, you know.

There's not a locked door in the whole country.

Let's go.

Who's in charge?

Just the two of us. Just Ruthie and me.

No other personnel in the whole building.

No, where are the night shift?

Excuse me, ma 'am.

There's not another control room?

No, dear. This is it.

Thank you.

Boomer, maybe we'd better just go.

Stay on your ground, soldier.

Now, let me get this straight.

You're telling me...

That you two are responsible for supplying all the electricity to your

nation.

That's about the size of it. Oh, Dad.

Does he ever like to brag?

Put those needles down.

Nice and easy where I can see them.

Spread out.

Find out the power source for the Mountie headquarters.

Remember, I asked you one more time.

Where is the power switch to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Headquarters?

You're going to tell me sooner or later.

Now, we can do it my way, which is very nice right now, or we can do it their

way.

You're not going to like it.

You Canadians are so sneaky.

Don't touch that. You'll black out most of Canada.

Yeah, right.

Lady, what do we look like, jerks?

Please.

Well, you screwed up now. I'll be the type of one I screwed up.

All right, let's move out.

And you, don't tell anybody we was here.

Come on.

You know, I could get to like this.

Really?

On these screens here, Mr. President.

What is it? What's happening?

All of Canada is going dark, sir.

Oh, my God. What are you making?

I'll tell you what I think, but you won't like it. Mr. President, Prime

MacDonald calling from Ottawa.

Clark, hi.

Now, why would we want to cut off your power?

No, calm down.

No,

if we were up to something, we would have mined your harbor.

Damn right.

Who?

Yeah, I see, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, all right. Well, we'll check this out, and we'll get back to you.

Goodbye.

You're not going to believe this.

That same goddamn sheriff from Niagara Falls, that hero, Bud

Boomer, he's the one responsible for the blackout. Boomer? Ah, sir, that's

bullshit. This is a Canadian trick.

Now, blame us, get world sympathy, and make it impossible for our night attack

bombers to locate their cities and destroy their inhabitants.

Sir, that's the oldest trick in the book!

Thank you for sleeping so quietly.

I love you.

Even though you're a criminal.

Thank you for keeping your cell clean.

I miss you.

Welcome to Canada.

Hold it right there, Canuck.

Who are you?

I'm your worst nightmare.

I'm a citizen with a constitutional right to bear arms.

Take the pelts. Take whatever you want. We don't want your stinking pelts.

Have some fudge. Just leave me alone.

Didn't you hear him?

What was your worst nightmare?

My worst nightmare involved a pack of rabid wolves.

I was stuck somewhere in the Yukon, and there were tall, skinny rabbits, and

they were drinking heavily.

Just shut up.

We want your prisoner.

Now, where is she? I don't know what you're talking about.

A.

A boot.

It's about what we're talking about.

And enough of that A business.

You're going to learn how to talk right, understand?

We got ways of making you pronounce the letter O. I want my honey.

I'll get the keys for the cells now.

Now!

Easy.

Easy.

Okay, Mr. Canuck.

Mr. Two -time World Series winner.

Hey, what's that fancy move?

See, this is all the prisoners we have.

This man was arrested for putting regular gas into an unleaded tank.

Where do you think you're going?

Going over to show you the next guy. All right, nice and easy. One step at a

time, buddy. This man was arrested for being in too many bad moods.

I got you covered. I got you covered. I got you covered, buddy.

This man raided a company, merged it with his conglomerate, and then fired

the employees. Get away from the farm, you scum! Hold on, Jack!

Now you tell us where Honey is.

Let me paint a picture for you, buddy.

She's petite, extremely beautiful, and heavily armed.

Wait, you mean the litter bug.

They took her to the Capitol to give her a free mental health examination.

Good. The capital, Toronto.

No. The capital of Canada is Ottawa.

Yeah, right.

Do we look that stupid?

Ottawa.

Nice try, Dudley.

All right, boys.

We're going to Toronto.

The capital.

You want some water?

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Too bad.

Gentlemen!

Let's, uh, take the truck.

Let's go!

Hey, Boomer!

Yeah, what's wrong?

I got an idea.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Mr. President, if I may, I think we should look on the positive side. What

have here is a brave but misguided group of Americans who've gone right into

Canada and kicked some serious Canadian butt.

Yeah, well, we got to do something.

We could send in the Omega Force.

Isn't that a bit drastic?

Sir.

The Helms Amendment and NSC Order 725 both specifically prohibit the use of a

megaforce against Caucasians. That's right.

I guess if I were the president's male secretary, I might read the Helms

Amendment that way.

What choice do we have, sir?

We have to take this sheriff out immediately before this turns into a

war instead of the Cold War that we wanted.

Mr. President.

Sheriff Boomer has become a national idol. At a time when our people lack

heroes, yourself excluded, sir, it would seem wise not to lose him. General, the

president should see this, sir.

Enraged by the imprisonment of hostage honey and inspired by their hero, Bud

Boomer, U .S. citizens from coast to coast are taking actions against

of Canadian birth and suspected Canadian sympathizers.

Some Americans in other border towns have followed Sheriff Boomer into Canada

with the hope of liberating that country.

Everything I see or read about these Canadians just makes me want to puke!

It's time we put America...

Mr. President, I believe we have no choice but to remove Bud Boomer

Now.

Well, it's an idea.

Send in Omega Fourth.

Welcome to Canada.

Who are you?

That was totally unnecessary.

Where is Boomer?

I had an amazing hand.

Where is it?

We're coming, honey.

We're coming.

Hey, boom, how come you never let me drive, man?

Just don't start with me, all right? The black cat never gets to drive. It's not

because you're black, all right? Lots of black guys, they drive all the time.

Well, give me an example.

What's his name? Danny Glover and driving Miss, uh, what's her name?

Danny Glover did not drive Miss Daisy. He drove Mel Gibson.

He did not drive Mel Gibson. That's Eddie Murphy drives Mel Gibson.

Eddie Murphy driving it? No.

It's not.

Hey, guys.

I drove once.

Remember?

Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez.

Oh, jeez.

Maybe it's not us.

It's not us. It's not us.

It's us. It's us. He wants us. He wants us. All right. All right.

We're pulling over. We're pulling over.

Hey, fellas, all right, just act normal, all right? Act normal.

Not normal for us, normal like for regular people.

Good day.

Hi.

May I see your license and registration, please?

There you go.

Thank you.

Oh, Americans, welcome to Ontario, sportsman's paradise.

Isn't it, though?

Would you please get out and step away from the vehicle?

Okay.

What is wrong with this picture?

Um... Uh... No snow tires.

No. I was, uh, driving on the wrong side of the road. I can explain that. You

see, I'm not used to your rules up here, and I was... That's not it.

This writing on the side of your vehicle.

Oh.

How did that get there? Those kids at the garage, I just stopped for like...

Whatever.

My concern is the sensibilities of a certain distinct and viable part of

Canadian society.

Les Québécois.

Huh? You know, wine drinkers.

Pea soup eaters.

French Canadians.

Oh, oh, yeah, those guys, sure. If you wish to avoid prosecution, I would

that you comply with our language laws.

which specifically prescribe that all signs be in both English and French,

Canada's two official languages.

Okay.

I do have to fine you. That'll be $1 ,000 Canadian or $10 American dollars,

you prefer.

Oh, no, I'll pay the American there, yeah.

There you go, buddy.

What do you want, $10?

Thank you very much. Here's your receipt. Thank you.

And now...

In print, if you please.

Get well soon from Prime Minister Clark McDonald.

Um,

get well, get well. Feel good. This is... Best

wishes, Gordon Lightfoot.

Ew.

Ew! Ottawa!

So,

where up and around are we?

And how are we feeling today?

Aren't you two a little young to be doctors?

Oh, we're not doctors. We're candy stripers. Our universal health care

has determined that you don't actually need a doctor until... 2006.

So until then, we're here to see that you're comfortable and to give you a...

kidney transplant.

Hmm? No, that can't be right.

Check the paperwork.

If you catch a cold, there's some aspirin in the cabin.

And thanks for hanging on to my American -made assault weapon.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha,

ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha,

ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha,

ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha,

Hey, all right, that's enough, man.

You guys aren't thinking about hunting at all, are you?

I'm worried sick.

You ever see The Dirty Dozen?

That was a cool movie.

Man, that was real cool.

Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Ernest Borgnine, Jim Brown.

Uh, Patelli Savalas, Clint Walker. Jim Brown.

Trini Lopez.

Cool. Trini Lopez. I never could figure that one out, man. What in the hell was

he doing in the Dirty Dozen, man?

If I was putting together a group of murderers and cutthroats, Trini Lopez

not be in the starting lineup.

That's why he dies first.

Yeah, don't they all die?

No, they all don't die. Jim Brown dies.

Hey, man, what do you expect?

Of all the Dirty Dozen, this black guy's supposed to sneak in behind enemy lines

and pretend he was a kraut?

Huh? Uh -huh.

That's not it, man.

It's just the black guy always dies.

Think about it, man.

Unforgiven.

Alien, Rocky IV, The Shining, Star Trek II, Forrest Gump, Witness,

Annie Hall.

Not Annie Hall.

Night of the Living Dead.

That's the one.

And what about that brother in Jurassic Park, man?

Well, that was cool.

There was two black guys who died in that one. That was a twofer. You must be

really pissed off at that one.

I'm telling you, man, the black guy always dies first.

Don't worry, Cabral.

You'll pass for Canadian.

You know, you really do need help.

Oh, I need help. Yeah, you need help. All right, knock it off with this dirty

dozen of stuff.

Did anyone see Dirty Dancing?

Woo!

That was a good movie.

program for total nuclear destruction.

Please enter your PIN code now.

You have reached the Hellstorm Communication Center.

Please choose your missile launch site from your on -screen menu.

Establishing contact with all U .S. launch sites.

American missiles now under control of the hacker Hellstorm.

Countdown ready to commence.

Hellstorm activated.

Thank God for technology.

Twelve hours to launch.

Any word, Omega Force, like where they are? What the hell is that?

It's DEFCON 4, sir.

Wait, just remind me. What is DEFCON 4?

Defense Condition 4, sir. It means a nuclear attack is imminent or the

I'm not quite sure. Imminent, sir.

There you go, imminent. Well, can't we stop this?

The siren, sir, or nuclear change? Either one.

Sir, our missile silos in southern Utah have somehow become active.

Well, who ordered that?

That wasn't me, was it? No, I didn't order that.

Can't you stop this?

General Panzer, where are those missiles aimed?

Well, sir,

those ICBMs in southern Utah are directed at

Moscow, sir. What?

Why would you aim missiles at an ally?

Well, sir, it seems that nearly all of our missiles are...

directed at targets in the former Soviet republics. Why the hell is that?

With all due respect, sir, your boys in intelligence never could decide who was

a big enough threat to point those babies elsewhere.

But let me clue you something, sir. You can bet your ass if one of our birds

lands in the Ruskies' backyard, plenty will be landing in ours.

I have just arrived here as part of the Pentagon press corps.

There are some things we will not be allowed to show you. But you can rest

assured that you will be getting all of the information you need to know.

I am standing here in the middle and it is...

For those of you with sons and daughters up here,

I can only say that...

And that's about the only thing that has been going wrong at this point.

The activation order appears to be coming from Canada. How could Canada

our missiles?

Oh, shit. The hacker health storm. The what?

The hacker health storm.

Sir, that's one of the programs you canceled when you tried to balance the

budget. What is the hacker health storm? Fargo.

In theory, it's an automatic nuclear response system, sir.

Initiates a nuclear counter -strike all on its own. I never liked it. It took

all the fun out of Armageddon. I'm glad you canceled, you son of a bitch. How

did the Canadians get it? That's classified.

Classified?

I'm the president.

How did Canada get it? Get on the phone. I want to talk to Hacker right now.

My eyes.

There it is, men.

Toronto. It's beautiful.

Like no other city I've ever seen.

It's like Albany, only cleaner.

Wow.

Geez, how did they clean all those windows?

Windex, dummy.

Where'd they get so many buildings?

It's the area.

Well, where is everybody? I don't like this.

Me neither.

There's a kid up there.

Hey, hey, kid.

Kid, where is everybody?

The tower.

Tower? The Canadian National Tower. There's some crazy American woman out

with a big gun.

Oh, thanks.

Crazy American lady with a gun.

Big Tony! Come on, fellas, let's go!

Now, the Canadians have a fully functional and operational health storm.

thought what I sold them was not usable.

How the hell did I let you get me into this?

Stewie. Oh, my money.

Why do you bother your head with this kind of crap?

Maybe it's because you're an only child.

Or maybe it's because you're becoming irrelevant.

Now, calm down, for Christ's sakes.

The Canadians cannot launch any missiles.

No. Only I can.

Because I have the codes.

All of them.

And I'm in control.

So easy.

Missile countdown has started in Wyoming and Montana.

All right, I want an answer.

Does Canada have the power to launch America's nuclear weapons?

The hacker hailstorm can do that and a lot more.

And if you hadn't canceled that program...

the technology would still be in American hands.

So you sold control of American missiles to a foreign country?

Well, if you can call Canada for it.

Or a country.

When you canceled that program, you left me standing there out of pocket $500

million.

You've got to make up for a shortfall like that.

After all the billions he's made on Uncle Sam.

Jesus. In a decent, God -fearing country, I'd be allowed to beat the two

to death.

Scum like you that make a simple war all screwed up and confusing.

It's people like us keep people like you in business, General.

We're now registering missile activity in Nevada.

All right, now I want to know.

Where exactly did you install this Hellstorm thing?

Did you ever run an old possum up a tree, Mr. President?

and find the highest branch you can.

Out of my way.

Excuse me.

Out of my way.

Out of my way.

Out of my way.

Out of my way.

All right.

You wait here. I'll be right back.

Get out of my way.

Now, you know that I built Hellstorm number one. Yeah. But what you don't

is that I also built Hellstorm number two. Two? What's that? What's two? It's

defend us against Hellstorm one, just in case an enemy should ever acquire it.

I don't want to say that it's pure genius. No, no, no. It's insane.

It's business.

And I can let you have it immediately, but it won't be cheap.

It won't be cheap. I mean, how much will it be?

One trillion dollars.

One trillion dollars? Well, that includes a construct.

Mr. Hacker, you've got Uncle Sam by the cojones.

But don't you have any patriotism, sir?

What about the Alamo?

The Halls of Matsuma?

Fans of Iwo Jima? The guns of Navarone?

Didn't you ever fantasize about the Duke and the flying leathernecks?

Huh? I mean fantasize about being the you, not fantasize about the you.

You know what I mean, sir.

30 minutes to launch.

Mr. President, we have a situation in Uranus. Repeat, Uranus. In Utah, they

bumped their birds up to T -minus seven.

This is terrible.

I didn't understand a word of what he said.

He said the missiles will launch in seven minutes. Oh, my God.

God. Mr. President, you've got six minutes to change. This is a mistake you

not want to make.

Negotiate with him. Give him what he wants. No, wait, wait. Just give me a

second. One second.

Gentlemen, I intend to put some shoe leather between me and Ground Zero.

Call me, Mr. President, when you decide to give me the money. Wait a second.

Just one second. Hold on one second. I don't understand something. Why would

Canadians try to start a war between us and the Russians? I don't get that.

Hacker!

Hacker!

Hacker! Get on the phone. Give me intelligence.

I need intelligence.

Canada's not launching those missiles.

You are!

You give me the money, and then I'll turn it off. Give me the goddamn code.

I bet you're through.

Oh, my God.

Guards! Arrest Mr. Smiley!

What is it?

I got the code!

Mr.

Hacker? Mr. Hacker? I think this old possum has bought the farm. E -I -E -I

What time?

Two, two, two. It really pains me to see you this way. Oh, my kitty.

We'll torture him later. Get him out of here.

What about the Russians?

Anybody gotten in touch with Moscow? We got a warrant there. Your pal Vladimir

Kruskin, he was in briefly over lunch. Count Akul, he was out, then installed

again. As a supper, he was still there.

would destroy any nation, even my own. My president gave the order.

So you just say the word, sir, and we'll do what we should have done in the

first place. We'll nuke the slimy panook bastards. I mean it, sir. We'll wipe

their frigid goddamn country off the map.

I can't kill America's neighbors.

I can.

I summer up there.

I understand, sir. Mr. President, we've lost contact with the megaforce. Well,

that's it.

Moscow is about to light up hotter than a pig roast on Flag Day. That'll

certainly guarantee a retaliatory gesture against the United States. No

Get Prime Minister McDonald on the phone. I'll give him anything he wants.

Got you.

This is the Acker Health Storm Weather Forecasting Center.

One minute, 50 seconds to total annihilation.

Have a nice day.

Mr. Prime Minister, I'm asking you to stop it.

All right, now listen, now pay attention to me, okay? I'm talking about the

hacker Hellstorm.

You got it, and you got to turn it off.

Clark, we can't turn it off. We've tried. Yes, of course we've tried. We

turn it... He's putting his wife on.

Hi.

Uh, uh, écoutez.

About two years in high school and about four years in college.

Well, thank you.

When will it end?

Clark,

are you listening to me?

Don't launch.

The rocket.

Our rocket. Don't launch them.

I'm giving up. You understand?

Whatever you want. You got it. You won. You won. Don't play games with me,

Clark. You won.

Canuck Central.

T -minus 15 seconds.

The Canucks and hackers?

Ten seconds to launch.

Prepare to launch.

Park Lee, we're running out of time.

Don't lie tight.

We've got to get out of here. Hey, the elevator. Come on.

Step out.

Now, this is what I call a health care.

Look, honey, home.

There it is.

Like I said.

Ha, ha.

Trust me.

Only in America Can a guy from anywhere

Go to sleep a pauper And wake up a millionaire

Only in America Can a kid without a tent

Get a break and maybe

Be president.

Only in America.

Land of opportunity.

Could a boy who's nothing be something and be everything?

Only in America can a kid who's washed in cars take

a giant step and reach right up and touch the...

Put a guy like...

Landon

to turn to green Snowbird sings a song you always sing

And speaks to me of flowers that will bloom again in spring

When I was young my heart was young then too And anything that

it would tell me that's the thing that I would do But now I feel such emptiness

within

And if I could, you know that I would.

And if I could, you know that I would.