Original subtitles

( sucking through teeth )

( sucking continues )

Will you please stop that?!

I got a piece of popcorn stuck in my teeth.

So go brush them.

I brushed them this morning.

So go floss them.

Oh, gross.

( sucks through teeth )

Wait. I got it.

No, that's chicken.

When did we have chicken?

You didn't really brush this morning, did you?

Between you and me, I lost my toothbrush three days ago.

Still good.

Hey, have you met any of the ladies my dad's been dating?

No. You?

No.

More chicken?

Fingernail.

Yours?

I hope so.

So, how come I don't get to meet Dad's dates?

I don't know. Maybe 'cause you're disgusting.

No, come on, really.

I'm not kidding.

For most women, you're a deal-breaker.

But you used to say I was a babe magnet.

You used to be little and cute.

Now you're just old and in the way.

That's very hurtful, Uncle Charlie.

All right, the truth is that your dad

doesn't want you to get attached to any of these women

in case the relationship doesn't work out.

Why?

Because he loves you very much,

and he cares about your feelings.

You let me meet your dates.

And what does that tell you?

I have no idea.

* Men, men, men, men, manly, men, men, men *

* Oh, oh * Men... *

ALAN: Hello?

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing up so late?

Charlie, what is he doing up?

Shh, he's asleep.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Charlie!

What?!

Oh, hey, Alan.

What is he doing up so late?

I told him to go to bed.

How many times did I tell you

to go to bed? Boy, I lost count.

See?

So how was your date?

It was fine.

Did you get any?

Did I get any what?

Hang on.

What's he supposed to get?

I swear, I don't know what he's talking about.

Go to bed!

What are you teaching him?

What difference does it make?

The only thing he retains is little shards of chicken.

Wonderful.

So, did you get any?

It was a nice evening.

We had a lovely dinner.

You know, for the record,

"a lovely dinner" doesn't necessarily preclude

carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.

In this case, it was just dinner and pleasant conversation.

Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

Good night.

Oh, hey, Alan.

The kid was asking about these women

you've been going out with, why he never

gets to meet any of them.

Really? Uh, what... what did you tell him?

I said it's probably because he's disgusting.

Oh, Charlie...

I also told him that you love him

and that you don't want him to get attached to somebody

and then be disappointed if things don't work out.

Good. Thank you.

But how come I don't get to meet them?

'Cause you're disgusting.

That's very hurtful, Alan.

Come on, really.

What's the big secret

with these women?

Oh, boy, I-I really don't want to get into it.

They're hideous, right? No.

Insufferable? No.

Inflatable?

Are you insane?

Ooh, insane. Are they insane?

Leave me alone.

Come on, give me a hint.

When you go to pick them up,

do you need a border collie to cut them off from the herd?

Stop it!

I'm never going to stop, Alan.

You know me better than that.

Okay, fine.

I'll-I'll tell you.

First of all, there's no women.

Imaginary!

My next guess was gonna be imaginary.

Let me finish.

It's just one woman.

I've been seeing the same woman for several weeks now.

I see.

You've been playing it slow. Yes.

And by "slow," I mean "gay."

I can't talk to you about this.

Alan, you hook a fish and play it too long,

you know what you're gonna finally have

when you reel it in? What?

A tired fish that thinks you're gay.

Do you drink while you're baby-sitting my son?

Not at first, but he wears me down.

So, what's the deal with this broad?

She's not a broad.

( sighs )

It's Judith.

Your ex-wife?

Yep.

Okay. Okay, that's not fair.

You said "no" to insufferable and insane.

Very funny.

Are you serious?

And by "serious," I mean dumber than a bag of doorknobs.

Look, we went out to dinner a couple of weeks ago

to talk about getting Jake into a good middle school,

and before you know it, we were laughing and...

and having a great time.

Well, I can see the humor

in trying to get the little bonehead into a good school.

But that doesn't mean you start dating your ex-wife.

I-I know what you're thinking.

I'm being naive, and romantic, and...

Not even close!

Charlie, you can't overlook

the fact that we still have a lot in common.

Yeah, neither of you have any respect for you.

The point is, she wants to give it another try, and so do I.

But we can't let Jake know

because we don't want him to get his hopes up.

Oh, buddy, why don't you just

take an electric sander to your testicles?

We're both adults, we are aware of the pitfalls,

and we think it's worth the risk.

( sighs )

Okay, fine.

I wish you both nothing but happiness.

Thank you.

( mimics electric sander )

* Men... *

Hello.

ALL: Hello.

What's going on?

Sit down, Alan.

We need to talk.

Yeah, well, uh... listen, I'd love to,

but I've got to wake up Jake so that we can...

Let him sleep.

Am I getting whacked?

It was discussed, but I was overruled.

Sit down.

Alan, we're all here because we love you.

And we don't want to see you make a terrible mistake.

I'm just waiting for my toaster strudel to pop.

( toaster dings )

There we go.

You told on me.

Hey, you wouldn't listen to reason,

so now you're going to listen to Mom.

Alan, sweetheart,

you know I only want the best for you, right?

Uh...

I do!

I do.

Which is why, when Judith threw you out,

I was right there supporting you.

You had other options?

Don't be naive.

I could have sucked up to Judith

in order to have more access to my grandson.

But, no, I burned that bridge.

I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.

And, keep in mind, this is a woman

who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.

So, if you two reconcile, I'll have to apologize to her.

So?

I'd rather kill us all.

Okay.

Moving on.

Rose, do you have something you'd like to say to Alan?

Yes, thank you.

Alan, when I first met you, I didn't care for you at all.

You were a fussy, whiny control freak.

Yes, and-and now?

Oh.

Now it doesn't bother me so much.

CHARLIE: I think what Rose means

is that, since the divorce,

you've grown, you've been reborn.

ROSE: That's not what I meant.

If that was what I meant, that's what I would've said.

Sorry.

Yeah, you'll get your turn.

Okay.

Alan, life is all about moving on.

Now, in the animal kingdom,

sharks move forward while crabs move sideways.

So the question you have to ask yourself is,

are you a shark or a crab?

Which way do sea monkeys move?

( doorbell rings )

Okay, that's Judith.

Now, I thank you for your concern,

but, uh, I would appreciate it

if nobody said anything and everybody just stayed out of it.

( chuckles ): Yeah, right.

Hey, Mom. Hi, honey.

Why aren't you dressed?

Alan, I told you I was picking him up early.

Why isn't he ready?

Go get dressed. I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're always sorry,

but I'm always the one who has to play the bad guy.

Damn it, Alan... Okay, he's gone.

I was thinking about you last night.

Really? What were you thinking?

Just what a nice time I had.

Yes, yes, it was.

Alan?

Uh-huh.

Turn around.

ALL: Hi, Judith.

Hello. How are you?

ALL: Fine.

Bye, everybody.

ALL: Bye, Jake.

Bye-bye.

ALL: Good-bye.

Thanks for staying out of it.

ALL: You're welcome.

* Men... *

I got a surprise for you.

ALAN: Can it wait?

Jake forgot his math book.

I'm going to run it over to Judith's.

No, no, no, no, no, you can't go to Judith's.

The surprise is ready now.

Okay. What is it?

Ta-da!

Oh, for God's sake.

Wait, there's more.

Twins, Alan!

I got 'em for you,

but you can share if you want.

Charlie, no.

Fine, you can have them both.

Bad luck to split sisters anyway.

I don't want either of 'em. I'm going over to Judith's.

I don't think you're getting the full picture here.

Turn around!

Show him the full picture!

Huh? Huh?

That's daily Pilates classes and one meal a month.

I'll see you later.

Are you sure?

Even put together, these girls aren't as old

as your ex-wife.

Bye.

Oh, for the love of God.

Stop turning!

Show's over!

( whispering ): Isn't he adorable?

ALAN: Yeah.

When's he's sleeping, he's like a little angel.

Uh-huh.

( breaks wind )

I was planning to have a glass of wine

and sit in the hot tub before you came over.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to be sure he got the book.

I'll get out of your way.

Alan, would you like to join me?

Oh, well, uh, I didn't bring a bathing suit.

You don't need a bathing suit.

Okay.

Have you been keeping up the chlorine treatments?

'Cause, you know, without a bathing suit,

you're just inviting algae into your privates.

I like the, uh... the new patio furniture.

Thanks.

What is that, uh, uh, redwood?

Teak.

Whoa, teak.

That must have set me back a few bucks.

The salesman said it would pay for itself in five years.

Oh, really? Really?

How-how's it going to do that?

Is it going to get a paper route?

It's very nice.

Thank you.

Uh, of course, it's, uh, going to require

a lot of upkeep.

Um, actually, all wood that's outside

requires upkeep...

except trees.

They seem to have it down.

Alan, are you nervous?

Yeah, a-a little.

I mean, uh...

we've been separated for two years.

I haven't seen you naked for four...

except, you know, that-that one time

I walked in on you on the toilet, um...

Shh...

JAKE: Mom, you out there?

( whispering ): Oh, my God, what are we going to do?!

Take a deep breath.

What?

I'm thirsty.

Uh, so have something to drink.

There's no more Goofy Juice.

So have some water.

Fine.

( gasping )

Hey, Mom?

What?!

I'm hungry, too.

Can you make me a sandwich?

No. Have your drink and go to bed.

Fine.

( gasping )

JAKE: Mom?

How about a cookie?

Uh, you already brushed your teeth.

No, I didn't.

You said you did.

I always say that.

Well, then brush them and go to bed.

Fine.

( gasping )

Are you okay?

There was a bright light, and I saw my dead grandma.

She seemed happy.

Here, have a little wine.

Thank you. Thank you.

That was close.

Oh, relax, he... he didn't see you.

And what if he comes back?

Maybe I should go.

Or we could go upstairs and get in bed.

Bed? Our old bed?

My new bed.

Oh.

What was wrong with the old one?

Too many memories.

Of what? You pretending to sleep

and me watching Letterman?

Alan, do you really want to have this conversation?

No, I don't, but apparently

my mouth has a mind of its own.

Well, let's put your mouth to better use.

I can't go back underwater, Judith.

Hey, Charlie?

Yeah?

Not that it's any of my business,

but I couldn't help noticing the matched set

of rotating floozies on your deck earlier.

They were for Alan.

I was trying to get his mind off of Judith.

With a night of meaningless, impersonal group sex?

What a good brother.

No, no. A good brother gets him a couple of girls.

It takes a great brother to get him two from the same egg.

You know...

there is a possibility that we were wrong about this.

Maybe Alan and Judith can work things out.

Maybe, but if they do, what happens to Jake?

He grows up in a happy home

with a mommy and daddy who love each other.

Yeah, but what about me?

It's too late for you, Charlie.

No, I mean, what happens to me and Jake?

I'll never get to see him.

Aw, you really love the little guy, huh?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Love hurts, Rose.

Yes, it does.

Especially when you've given your heart to someone

who barely knows you exist,

who insists on plowing through strange, stupid women

who could never love him the way you do,

leaving you to stand outside, alone in the night,

wishing with all your heart that he would come to his senses

and realize that his true happiness lies with you and no one else,

but knowing all the while that it'll never happen

because he's a selfish, immature, heartless jerk!

I mean...

poor baby.

Okay, I'm going to stick my neck out here

and say that was the best sex we ever had.

I agree.

Not that it wasn't good before...

It wasn't.

Okay. Granted.

Which raises the question...

Why is it so much better now?

Does it matter?

No, not-not really.

I mean, just-just curious.

I mean, I, uh...

I noticed, uh, some new moves on your part,

and I can't help wondering

where you might have picked them up.

Are you saying you haven't been

with other women in the last two years?

Oh, no, no, I-I've been with other women.

I just didn't learn anything.

You, on the other hand,

have an entirely new sexual repertoire,

including a-a couple of numbers

I repeatedly requested when we were married.

Alan... And by "requested," I mean "begged."

Please don't go there.

Oh. Now, see, that's, uh...

that's what I'm used to hearing from you in bed.

"Don't go there."

"Ooh, don't touch that."

"Leave that alone. It's not a toy."

So I've changed.

I would think that you would be happy.

Well, I was... very happy,

but then I started to think about it,

and there's no reason you couldn't have changed with me.

Oh, please. I mean, I gave you every chance.

I-I bought tickets to sex seminars.

I-I brought home books and tapes and accessories,

and-and-and what happened?

I sat right here reading and watching by myself

while eating low-fat love jelly straight out of the tube.

Okay, I can see this was a bad idea. No, no.

The bad idea was sitting in that filthy hot tub

without a bathing suit.

I can feel mushrooms growing in my crack

as we speak.

Just go home, Alan.

Hey, we're not married anymore.

You can't tell me what to do.

JAKE: Hey, Mom, does this look infected?

Okay, bye.

( bushes rustling )

It's okay. I didn't see anything.

* Men... *

( door opening and closing )

Hey.

Hey.

What are you watching?

Soft-core porn.

Sound's not on.

I don't need to hear 'em.

Aren't those the-the twins from the deck?

Too late now, Alan.

You could have been delivering that pizza.

So, how's Judith?

Fine. She got some new patio furniture.

That's nice.

Teak.

Put in some rosebushes, too.

How about that?

And I think the neighbors got a new dog.

Huh.

A mean dog.

Really?

Might have been a coyote.

Mm-hmm.

Hard to say.

It was dark, and I was crying.

Anything else?

No.

Oh, yeah, um... I saw our dead grandmother.

Where?

In the hot tub.

( car horn honks )

Oh, that's the cab.

Ooh, could you, uh, lend me 60 bucks?

Uh, I don't have my wallet on me.

Sure.

Oh. Thank you.

Huh. I suddenly have a craving for pizza.