Original subtitles

Thank you.

Yoo -hoo, Tony. I have a surprise for you.

Tony, quit fooling around.

I know you're in here.

Let's move on to the next set of people.

Can we do it again? It didn't feel genuine to me.

Can I have my gum, please?

Thanks, Rodney.

Believe me, Denny, it was perfect.

Bradford, we're going in for a reverse on Denny's. He starts whipping. You've

got ten minutes to relight. I do it in two.

Hugo! Iggy!

Did you read the tragedy in my eyes?

Denny, I'm telling you, it was almost Shakespearean. This flick is going to do

for you what Taxi Driver did for De Niro.

This is really starting to itch.

Hey, Ray, can we leave Tony's pills?

Yes. No, no, we may still need him in the background.

What I need you to do right now is to apply the tearaway nipples.

Phoebe, go with Mitchell. He'll take it.

I'm all yours.

Sorry, Steve.

Don't any of you peeping Toms got work to do?

You want to stare at Phoebe Loves Bazoombas, you rent the goddamn video.

paying to impersonate a director.

King Baby.

Don't you King Baby me.

Look at this set.

What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it?

I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It looks too damn good. That means you

too much money on it. All right, maybe we win $100 over budget on set.

You don't have to make a federal case out of it.

You know, I'll say this for you, Webber.

You got the typical damn director's attitude down pat.

What's $100 here? What's $100 there?

If I didn't keep my foot on your neck, you'd $100 me right into goddamn Chapter

11.

Hey, production manager, why the hell are these lights on in between takes?

Con Ed is not a profit participant in this picture.

Kill the lights!

No, leave them!

What did you say?

Look, King, let's get something straight. You're the producer and you're

boss, but on the set... I'm in charge, and I don't like being insulted in front

of people.

You're in charge?

What is that you don't like?

Insulted. I'll insult you up the wazoo.

I'll show you who's in charge. Here we go again. You know what I'm going to do?

Kick head.

I'm going to kill you.

What's that? He's taking it for free.

I'm sick of you. Get out of here.

I can't take anymore of this.

Damn it, Weber.

Let's not go apeshit.

I think you got my drift.

I want you to bring in this picture cheap and fast.

And if anybody's gonna go on a power trip, it's gonna be me. You got that?

Yes. Yes what?

Yes, Tim. Sir.

Okay, now let's get the crew back on. Okay, let's get cracking.

What the hell is that?

Sorry about Steve's dropping.

If there was going to be any bloodshed, I didn't want to miss it.

Who is this clown?

Lou LaRod. Pleasure to meet you.

I didn't hire you.

What the hell are they doing here?

He's my technical advisor.

Technical advisor?

I'm sort of an expert on psycho killers and sex crimes. It's my hobby, really.

Whoever you pocket -picking son of a bitch. What is it, your cousin?

No, no, really, King. He really is an expert. He knows exactly how these

killers operate.

I attend their trials. I correspond with them in prison. This is fiction.

Cheap, exploitive fiction.

You run out of ideas, you steal them from some other slice -and -dice slick.

But you said you wanted I Rip Your Flesh With Pliers to be better than all those

others. You said you wanted Ethan to be the first believable unstoppable killer.

No, no, no. I was just massaging your bloated ego.

That's before you hired a technical advisor.

How much is he paying you?

Well, the money's not really why I'm doing this. It's more of a way to break

into the business.

How much?

What I really want to do is write screenplays.

How much?

$75 a week.

$75?

I would have done it for nothing.

Hey, hear that? He would have done it for nothing.

How much has he paid you so far?

Not counting tomorrow's paycheck, $150.

$150? Okay, give it back.

Huh? $150, give it back. You said you'd do it for free. All right, I accept.

Hey, I need that money.

Oh, so you're a liar, too.

I gave up a paying job to do this. I was teaching a film class at Hollywood

Junior College when this happened. And next week, I'm expecting another $75. I

mean... That's what we agreed on. Mr. Faraday. Not with me. I really like your

movies. Now you work for free and you don't work at all.

It's all due respect.

I think this picture needs me. I'll tell you how much a picture needs you. Jason

and Freddy, move over. You're fired.

Get out of here.

Mr. Faraday, I've been on a lot of sets, but this one, well, it's really cool.

Mr. Faraday, I really like your pictures.

What?

I... I like... I really like your pictures.

Who is this little asshole?

You! Get off my soundstage!

Get out of this building, the two of you! Get the fuck out of my property!

Hey, Lou.

I just went out for a pizza. You want a slice?

Soon.

I can't believe we got nothing but black coffee and breakfast squares day after

day, meal after meal. What are you bitching about? We got all four

Hey, you don't mind if I save this for dinner and breakfast tomorrow?

What? What's happening?

I just got fired.

We serve employees only.

Beat it.

I pay for the pizza.

I say you can have a slice.

Thanks, Steve.

See you around.

Good luck there, Lou.

And I've shaved the day off your shooting schedule.

I only have three days left of a six -day tour. Are you arguing with me? No,

it's just I gotta catch up.

Work faster.

You're the director. That's your problem.

You gotta make up for the hundreds that you wasted on this set and that leech

advisor. Excuse me, Mr. Faraday?

Uh, it's your wife. She said she's getting bored sitting around here. She

to leave.

Here.

Listen.

Give her this.

Tell her to go out and buy some.

What do you think you're doing?

Nothing.

I'm just looking to see if the keys were in the car.

No, I just need to take my car out.

Well, what's with you? Sticking your head in a Rolls Royce that doesn't

to you.

Well, what's with you blocking this whole line of cars?

Don't you know who I am?

I'd just be guessing.

I'm Miss King Faraday.

Does that make you Queen Faraday? That makes me Candy Faraday. And you better

quit pestering me or I'll tell my husband to have you disciplined.

Well, I think I've taken all the shit from your husband that I'm gonna...

not afraid of him?

Are you kidding?

Hey, bring us a couple mops. I'll mop up the floor with him.

What's your name?

Lula Rod.

Pleasure to meet you.

I love my husband, Lula Rod. And I won't stand to listen to you threaten his

life. I didn't say...

See you tomorrow.

Two, three, four.

Other people pay rent. What makes you so special?

Six months late is six months too late. You can find your things out back in the

dumpster.

Perfect day for a perfect day.

I thought you were me.

Well, you kind of startled me yourself.

Do you always have such a messy car?

No, I had to move out in a hurry last night.

Somebody after you?

Go collectors, landlord.

Your husband fired me yesterday.

And now you're back to take your revenge.

Well, no, actually, I was...

Thinking of crawling back on my belly and asking for a job, any job.

Well, I'm glad to see you can control your impulses.

Anyhow, he won't be in today. He had to fly to Chicago to talk with his

investors.

So, uh, what brings you here?

That's a good question.

Actually, the truth is, I bought this video player, and it's not working.

I thought one of you smart filmmakers... You could fix this for me.

I'd give it a look -see.

Would you?

Can I stay?

Need you to pick it up at a bank for a closer?

That's wrong. How did you know?

Just a wild guess.

Would you like a drink?

Thanks, maybe later. First things first.

About that recalcitrant VCR?

Uh, it's over here.

But I think it's a Sony.

I think I see what the problem is.

This isn't a VCR. It's a CD player.

Are you sure?

No wonder the tapes wouldn't fit.

I feel like a fool, bringing you all the way here for nothing.

Well, you could offer me that drink again.

I could offer you a lot more than that.

Like what?

Oh, I don't know.

There's a lot of stuff in the fridge.

Pickles.

Hot dog.

Half an old sardine sandwich.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're getting into deep water here, let's just take a step back and ask

ourselves

Sit here. This is the king's favorite chair. Let's go to my room.

Welcome to my pink paradise.

Oh, man.

Colorful, isn't it? Thanks.

He's so horrible.

Well, he's no Louis B. Mayer, that's for sure.

He's mean.

He neglects me.

I don't even think he likes the color pink.

It tastes like swine.

Oh, Louis.

I didn't want this to happen.

I just didn't try hard enough to stop it. Try?

He's coming back tonight.

I can't stand the thought of him doing these things to me that you just did.

Well, you can get a divorce, I guess.

I signed a prenuptial agreement.

He said all his wives signed them.

I divorce him, I get nothing.

Not even the T -Bird.

Not a huh?

Well, that's a shame.

We're thinking about the same thing, aren't we, Louis?

How good it would be with him gone and all his money stayed here.

Let's not kid ourselves, Louis.

We knew that was coming.

It's the only way I... I mean, it's the only way we can have everything we want.

Isn't it, Louie?

Nobody calls me Louie.

This is never going to work.

There's no way you can get him to rehire me.

Don't worry, Louie. I know how to handle my husband.

He'll give you a job, and then we can plan the best way to do it.

And that's another thing. I'm not going to help you kill your husband.

Why not?

Let's see if I can make you understand.

To me, murder is a spectator sport.

I'm not a player.

Now, if you want to kill your husband, go right ahead.

I'll follow your trial.

I'll visit you in prison.

But don't you want his money?

Don't you want me?

Frankly, no, I don't want his money.

All I want from him is a job.

And I've had you.

You won't be so smirky if he finds out about us.

He gets really jealous.

And he has some nasty friends.

You might just end up wearing cement boxer shorts.

Now, how's he going to find out about us?

Sometimes I blurt things out.

I can't help myself.

Oh, great.

That really makes me feel like committing murder with you.

You'll never work another day in this town, you little weasel.

Come on, Sterling.

Here's King coming to you trying to make a deal, but you're not giving him

anything to work with.

When I get through with you, you're going to wish you were up to your neck

buffalo shit.

Well, what's the matter, Mr.

Artistic Integrity?

Are you deaf?

Why the hell doesn't he say something? Search me, King.

What's the matter, Sterling? Are you mad?

This is a disaster.

There goes the cheapest writer in Hollywood.

King, honey, I need to talk to you. Oh, Candy, what the hell are you doing here?

I'm right in the middle of some very delicate negotiations.

Who the hell is this?

LuLaRod. Yeah, name's familiar.

You're Candy's hairdresser.

And a scriptwriter.

Oh, you any good?

I think so.

I already stopped. It's brilliant.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Okay, you're hired.

You start work today.

You mean try to screenplay?

Well, you catch on fast, Tinkerbell.

What'd you say your name was?

Lou LaRod. What?

Lou LaRod.

LaRod, LaRod. Okay, come on, follow me.

See? He didn't recognize me. It's the liquor.

Ah, cirrhosis of the brain.

Hey, Weber, heads up.

I want you to meet someone.

Rick Webber, this is Lou LaRod. He's a writer.

How do you do, Mr. LaRod?

Webber here thinks he's a brilliant director.

I'm letting him learn the truth at my expense.

And listen, you add any expense of directorial touch today, it's like, God,

Right now, he's, uh... He's finishing up I Rip Your Flesh With Pliers Part 2.

The Return of Ethan.

From there, he goes right into production on your screenplay.

I still don't know what it is I'm writing.

It's called Werewolves in Heat.

The story is... Well, it's about this horny werewolf. And every ten pages, you

put in some nudity, gory death, or both.

You can fill in the blanks with whatever you want. Hell, I don't care. Be

creative. Hey, Phoebe.

Come on over here. I want you to meet Lou.

Phoebe, love, this is Lou LaRod. He's your next writer.

Haven't we met before?

Gee, I don't think so.

Oh, um, it must have been in another life.

Phoebe's known as the Scream Queen.

She's the hottest star in horror as a regular Doris Karloff.

Faraday International Pictures has her under contract for six films.

Or six weeks, whichever comes first.

Okay, everybody, let's go back to work.

Come on, Webber, move your ass. Okay, everybody back to work.

Good luck, stranger.

Honeybutt, you must be bored. Listen, let me give you some money, and you go

some shopping, huh?

I want Mr. Lou to do my hair.

Oh, now, Angel, please.

Your hair looks beautiful.

Besides, I need Mr. Lou right now to start working on his third project on

writing assignment.

Well, that's what you wanted, wasn't it? To give him a job?

Yes. Well, then.

You better make time for me soon, Mr. Lou.

My hair won't wait too long.

Oh, what a pain in the... I bet she's a wild cat in a sack.

I'll say.

What was that?

How did you and Candy meet?

Well, I was in Denmark. I was on one of those three -day package tours.

The historical brothels of Copenhagen. Yeah, but don't you get any idea? She

a tour guide.

She said she'd never met anybody like me before, but that's because she's got a

lot of European class, you know?

Well, the next thing I know, I find myself in a 500 -year -old little

But you don't want to hear all of this.

Right now, we've got to discuss business.

Uh, speaking of which, Mr. Faraday, I was wondering if it might be possible to

get a small advance on my... Advance?

Advance? Get hired for ten minutes already, you're a bloodsucker!

But I'm currently between apartments and I've got no place to stay.

So you sleep here?

On the set?

No, up there. You can work there, too. In the loft?

Don't worry, we'll do it up right for you.

You just get these money ideas out of your head.

Um, by the way, about my fee?

The pay is a flat -pot $400.

$400 for a screenplay?

Oh, I know. You've heard about what the majors pay.

I mean, I can't even mention that without gagging. And I'm not the majors.

Besides, you've got to have it finished in 48 hours. 48 hours? That's right,

LeRod. Two days.

But look at it this way.

You get $200 a day.

$200.

$200!

I must be crazy, offing a putz like you that kind of money. I'll take it.

All right.

I'm a sap and I'll probably regret it, but you caught me in a generous mood.

Only just remember, I want to see every penny on those pages.

Yes, sir. All 40 ,000 pennies.

Rolling.

Camera.

Action.

Team 3, this is Team 2.

I think I got the bastard for good this time.

Can you hear me, Team 3?

Ethan is dead.

Let's move on.

Look around you, pal.

In this town, everybody's a screenwriter.

Any one of these slavering jackals would kill for the opportunity I'm giving

you.

This is the overall concept.

Nice work.

Thanks. Now, by putting him in clothes, we would save money by not building a

full bodysuit.

Oh, that's fine, Froome.

And what about the head? Right over here.

As you can see, it has a full range of facial expressions.

Yeah, that's great. Just great.

What about this?

Oh, this is what I'm most proud of. This is a fully mechanical torso.

Now, back here is the access plate to all the transistors and diodes and

hydraulic, but I have it all hooked up to a master controller.

Right here.

Now... This is the basic effect.

Oh, Froome, you've outdone yourself.

Now that's class.

Real class.

Thanks.

As you can see, I got editing equipment up the wazoo.

I'll tell you something about editors. They're like spoiled children. They

have every little tinker toy they lay their eyes on.

And they gotta have bead cords.

They gotta have... Tiny corks.

They got a... What the hell is that?

Look at this.

Now this is the ultimate editor's play toy.

It's called a split reel.

Ordinary reels aren't good enough for them, no.

This is ten times as expensive.

Now this, this is what's known as a flatbed editing machine.

It's a miracle of modern technology designed to suck money out of my pocket.

Now, this is my staff editor, Mac.

Hi, Mac.

The name Todd.

Mac here is editing I Rip Your Flesh With Pliers as fast as that asshole

can shoot it. Sounds efficient.

You're goddamn right it's efficient.

Picture gets cut twice as fast.

Plus, the director's stuck back on the set so he doesn't have a chance to

Well, go on.

Show Lou what I'm paying you for.

Make a cut. Cut there.

I can't cut here. This scene plays in one shot.

There's nothing to cut.

So you run the film back.

And you run it forwards at high speed. I don't give a shit.

Impress the new guy.

Put on a show.

Who's that? I don't know. I can't tell you.

They think they're so goddamn smart.

They don't know a fucking thing about showmanship.

Hunched over a little weasel.

So, LaRod, you think you're getting all of this?

Uh, yeah.

Showmanship.

Hunched over weasels.

Good, good. Now you just keep paying attention.

I promise you by dinner time you'll know everything you have to know about movie

making.

Have you heard this thing yet?

Mm -hmm. All right, what I want you to keep in mind is that we're going for

stark raving terror here, all right? So when the werewolf attacks you, scream

from your soul, okay?

Nothing?

And action.

And cut.

Thank you, Kim. You made a believer out of me. If you could just give me your

picture and resume. We'll call you.

Have a nice day.

Next, girl!

Join yourself, LeRod.

To tell you the truth, I'm kind of anxious to get started writing.

I bet you are.

Hello, Rowena?

Rowena.

Okay, I've... You've got a chance to read the scene, right?

Come on, come on, speed it up. You're not Captain Norma Ray here.

Okay, what I want you to remember is... Slip it, Weber!

Now listen up, girlie. When the werewolf attacks you, scream your tits off.

Okay, you with the glove. Action.

Good, good, good.

Give me the picture. Come on. Chop, chop.

Excuse me, Mr. Faraday.

Call me King. Very impressive.

Nice. Good you can it, Weber, and keep them moving.

Next, girl.

Your Highness, I mean King.

If I'm going to finish the screenplay, I really need to get started.

Uh -uh. You're not sweating yet.

Ideas aren't percolating.

Now sit back and look for inspiration.

Hey, you there with the glove there, don't wait for action. Just paw them

they pass.

Okay,

okay. Give me the picture.

King, I think I'm really pretty inspired already.

Let's get this straight.

You work when I tell you.

And you look at tips when I tell you.

I know you writers.

The more time you have to fuck through pages, the more time you sneak in themes

and meanings.

And what I want is good, fast -paced crap.

That's my wife, you asshole.

Candy, Candy, baby, what are you doing here?

Can't you see we're working?

Hi, Nurse Sweetums. That's why I'm here.

I thought I'd bring you some fresh, home -brewed coffee.

You broke the cup.

Oh, God.

Is this a hell of a wife or what?

Here, I'll pour you a cup.

This girl looks promising.

Oh, you plastic idiot.

Oh. Excuse me, I've got to go to the bathroom.

If only it were a kid with simple lycanthropy.

If all that happened was I turned into a wolf, that I could handle.

But it's more than that, Doctor.

I'm turning into... a werewolf.

Go away, Candy.

I'm working.

Look how tense you are.

You're panicking. Help me loosen up. I can't loosen up. I have to deliver this

screenplay to King in 24 hours.

You won't be around to read it.

Oh, yes, he will. He's gonna live to read this if I have to hogtie you.

Oh.

He's paying me $200 a day for my services, Candy. Doesn't he at least

see what he's paying for?

It really turns me on when you get angry.

Oh, no.

You're not working your sex magic on me tonight.

I got too much writing on this screenplay to let myself get distracted.

Peek -a -boo, Louie.

I'm not in the fucking mood, Candy.

Oh, you're a ten -finger typist.

All I can do is hunt and peck.

Oh, Candy.

That was great.

And these shorts, they're really something.

Thanks.

But I got work to do.

Don't you even want to know why I came here tonight?

I thought we just got that out of the way.

No, you silly.

King wanted to see you.

That had to be over an hour ago.

Don't hurry.

We hate tardiness.

It would be so easy right now to do it.

Do it, Louis.

Do what?

Smother him.

Now while he's too drunk to struggle.

He has a bad heart, you know.

They said it was a heart attack.

No. Are you crazy?

Have you ever heard of forensic science?

They'll know it wasn't a heart attack.

You have a very negative attitude, Louie.

He didn't ask you to bring me here tonight, did he?

You wanted me here to help you kill him.

Is that so wrong?

You know I like it when we do things together.

It's too bad they don't have co -ed prisoners. We could do time together.

You're being silly.

Why would anyone suspect murder?

Homicide detectives are very suspicious people.

They might suspect someone even as innocent as you.

But you're the one who did it.

No, I didn't do it. It hasn't been done, and I'm not going to do it.

Well, Mr. Lourad, my eyes are open now.

You've certainly had me fooled.

If I'd known you were so mean, I never, never would have fallen in love with

you.

If you'll excuse me.

I have 70 pages of bone -chilling horror to write by this time tomorrow.

Before you go, help me get him to bed.

I don't think that we will. I can't lift him alone.

If you want to kill him, at least let him have a good night's sleep.

Oh,

not this again.

How many times do I have to tell you I don't feel like committing murder

tonight? You have to do it, Louie. We may never get a chance like this again.

This isn't funny.

Doctor, are you crazy? I'm losing my balance.

You're going to kill us both.

Not if you get out of the way.

Lola.

Oh, hi, Candy.

I mean, Mom.

Hello, Daddy.

Well, looks like I've been expelled again.

What's the matter with Daddy?

Is he dead or just drunk?

What is this oddball?

Mr. Leroy, it's my hairdresser.

He's helping me put Daddy to bed.

Yes, I'm Mr. Lou. I compose symphonies in hair.

With the help of your mother's scalp, of course.

Stepmother, please.

I'm going to bed.

And my room better be exactly the way I left it.

Yeah

Hey Lou, what's up?

What the hell's with all this noise?

I'm just getting set up for today's shoot. We're doing a music video today.

A video?

That's right.

We're shooting one of those MTV things.

Every picture's gotta have one these days.

If I rip your flesh, it's gonna have a rock band in it. We're shooting them

today while we're waiting for you to finish a goddamn script.

I can't write with all this noise.

Who the hell you can't?

I gotta listen to this shit. And I gotta hang over like I got kicked in the head

by a goddamn bull elephant.

Now you get back to work, and I want to see you at my house ten o 'clock tonight

with a finished shooting script.

Here, hold this.

that you've given to love.

Well, the women will hide how to win the game.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Look out. Oh, sorry.

I just brought you some coffee.

Oh, thanks. I was just on my way to get some myself.

Still working like a maniac, huh?

You got that right.

Well, how's it going?

It's brilliant. Thinking brilliant.

Nothing wrong with it. The six weeks of rewriting couldn't fix it.

Well, I'm not going to bug you. I just thought you'd need a ten -second break.

Okay, your ten seconds dropped. You get back to work. Right.

Thanks.

Daddy, it's that hairdresser guy.

What about time?

Now, did you finish it yet?

Right here.

Wait a minute, young lady. Where do you think you're going?

Out dancing.

In your school uniform?

The boys seem to like it.

Yeah, all right. But you'll be home by 2 o 'clock.

Daddy, I'm 35 years old.

Oh, by the way...

My step -monster said to give you a message.

She says for you not to leave until she gets back.

Remember, two o 'clock.

You're going to get crazy.

You want a drink?

Yeah, thanks.

Is it brilliant?

Well, it needs some work.

It better goddamn well not need any more work. We start shooting tomorrow.

I can rewrite it tonight.

Shut that piehole. I'm trying to read.

What the hell is this?

You think I'm made out of money?

What's this character?

Psychoanalyst?

No picture of mine is gonna have a shrink in it.

I went to one of those assholes once.

With his blood -sucking scam in the world.

If you think I'm going to pay you for this pile of crap, you're dead wrong.

I've read some unreadable shit in my life, but this is the worst.

Why didn't you just take a dump on the pages?

Now I'll have to hire somebody to rewrite while we shoot.

And as for you, I never want to see you on my set again.

Now you're going to get no money, and you're going to get no credit.

You're lucky I didn't have you arrested for assault with a deadly weapon.

Candy was right about you.

What did you say?

You don't deserve to live.

No, I mean, what did you say about Candy?

I said Candy's a great lay.

What? That's right.

I screwed your wife.

And what's more, she wants me to kill you.

But I said, no, I can't take a human life.

What I didn't realize is you're not human.

You're more like some kind of slug that excretes movies like a slime trail.

Mr. Faraday, are you okay?

Mr. Faraday!

Kane!

Kane!

Are you okay?

Louis, you did it.

I'm so glad it's over.

Now it's just the two of us. I didn't do anything.

You don't have to pretend with me.

He had a heart attack.

With a little help from little Louis.

I heard what you said to him.

You're so clever.

It was horrible.

He just went... And then all of a sudden he was just gone.

I think I'm going to throw up.

Not now, Louie. I'm too excited.

Jesus, Candy. Get a grip on yourself.

Where's the sense of human compassion that your husband's stiffening in that

chair?

Look who's talking.

I have to figure out what to do with the body.

You don't have to do anything to the body. He died of natural causes.

All we have to do is call the police.

Oh, Louis, I have something terrible to tell you.

Things have changed since last night.

I went through King's papers, and I found the will.

It's as bad as the prenuptial agreement.

He left everything to Lola.

Well, that's too bad, isn't it? I hope you get on good with the little

schoolgirl. Her?

She's always hated me.

She can't stand the idea that her stepmother's younger and prettier than

Do you know what this means?

We have to hide the body.

Make it look like he's not dead at all. Like he just ran away or something.

Ran away from what?

I don't know.

You're the writer.

Make up something.

You know, if Lola gets the money, your precious little movie's not going to get

made.

Hello, Candy.

Mom. Hello, Daddy.

What's going on?

Don't disturb your father, Lola, sweetheart.

He's had a very hard day.

Always. I'm going to bed.

This. I'm going to write a dummy into the script and then have it get blown

Oh, Louis, you're a genius.

Jeez, talk about clawing your way into showbiz.

Morning, everybody.

I'm on somebody else's prescription uppers this morning, so please, no loud

noises or sudden movements.

Here it is, Werewolves in Heat.

What's our production schedule?

Six days.

Oh, we better get started.

Barry, you're AD and production manager, right?

Right. Okay, we'd better break this down this morning.

Looks like we have one day pre -production, people.

Where's King?

King had to go to Chicago to talk to his investors.

He said if we're not well into this by the time he gets back, heads are going

roll. So who's in charge?

Well, you all know what to do.

Just do your jobs the way you do it.

If King were here breathing down your neck.

And if you have any questions you just can't answer, come to me.

The writer?

That's right.

The writer.

Now get your goddamn NASA thing gear, you limp weenies, or there's gonna be

to pay!

Jeez, king number two.

You've got to stop seeing me, Debbie!

I'm turning into a sex -crazed animal!

That's what I've been waiting for!

I don't understand.

How did you see this paper right here?

Hey, Mr. Arthur.

Lou. I need to talk to you. Sure thing.

We'll hash this out later, okay?

What's up?

I want to talk to you about my character.

Do you see me as cold?

Oh, no, not at all.

Not hard to get close to or, you know, all business?

No, that's an interesting interpretation, but I don't think it's

In fact, she's got to be exactly the opposite. What are you talking about?

Look, Debbie is the emotional center of the story. She's the one that takes the

werewolf beyond mere sexual gratification.

No, wait a minute. I'm talking about my character.

Oh.

Do you think this business is making me hard?

It's not easy being a nudist. I don't think you're hard.

You're just doing your job like a professional.

Some people let their emotions run away with them, and it gets them into nothing

but trouble.

Thanks, boss.

Whatever she told you, it's a lie. What? I never said that she had to sleep with

me. I merely suggested that it might help our work. I don't even know why

bringing you into it. I told her it was just a joke.

See, we were... This isn't what it's supposed to be like.

I'm the director, and I can't get away with anything.

I have a rich, dead husband.

It really makes marriage fun.

Now I can do just what I want.

I think I'm going to have the whole house painted pink.

Inside and out.

Won't that be wonderful?

Yeah, it'll be just like living in a giant mouth.

There you go again, being negative.

You know, there are a lot of other pink things in this world besides mouths.

I'm sorry, Candy. I've just been under a lot of pressure.

Here, I need you to sign some more checks under King's account.

I don't like spending so much money on this movie.

Candy, we've been through all this.

Faraday Pictures is your source of income.

And I need to spend money to make money.

You're a businesswoman now. You've got responsibilities.

I don't want responsibilities.

I just want to go shopping.

Girls are supposed to have fun.

Candy?

What is it?

Where's Daddy?

He had to go to Chicago.

No way.

His suitcases are still in his room.

Well, that's where he said he was going.

Is somebody in there with you?

Of course not.

Let me in.

No. Why?

What are you trying to hide?

I'm naked.

And I don't want to give you an inferiority complex.

Ah, can it, you stinking balloon sculptor.

Quiet. This is a take. Scene 5A, take one. And action. Oh, my God!

What's happening to you?

It's starting, Debbie!

Run!

Cut,

cut, cut. I said bigger.

Scene 5A, take 42.

Can't you control those air bladders?

Sorry, Rake.

Well,

I'd say it'll play.

Sure.

We could always retitle the movie Attack of the Killer Acne.

Just a suggestion.

Just a little joke.

No, more of a suggestion.

You know, it's not too late to replace you with an unpaid intern from one of

local film schools.

You catch my drift?

Yes. Yes what?

Yes, King.

All right, let's keep moving.

Make a cut. Cut right there.

Jesus, we gotta get back on schedule.

Hey, I can't get these jeans on over this.

Jesus Christ, Barry, find an AD and buy some baggy pants.

What about this guy? He's not doing anything except hitting up on Phoebe.

not him. He's not part of the crew.

Then who the hell is he?

He's Phoebe's spiritual advisor and psychic nutritionist. He calls himself

Brother Ron of the Church of Rolls.

Rolls, like in Rolls Royce?

No, R -O -L -S.

It stands for Ron's Own Little System.

You don't want to mess with him. He's got some kind of psychic hold over

Insult him and she might walk off the picture.

By the way, he's also a personal manager.

Hi there.

You were great in that scene.

Thanks, boss.

Vice boss, please. I'm just King's representative.

Well, you're the only boss we have on this.

You're the writer.

That's me.

What do you know of werewolves?

Do you know what causes lycanthropy?

I'll tell you.

Improper diet.

Gee, I didn't know that. I'll tell you something else.

The werewolf craves human flesh.

But that's the worst thing for him. Uh -huh.

Cannibalism is devastating to the human immune system.

The lycanthrope thinks he's a wolf, but in reality, he's a human, undergoing a

violent allergic reaction.

So in essence, his taste buds are out of whack.

I was a werewolf in a previous life.

Luckily, I was able to assist on a bean curd human flesh substitute or I could

have incurred a substantial karmic penalty Brother Ron aren't you gonna be

for your seminar?

This movie may go over well with your average teen audience, but real

are gonna laugh it off the screen

Seems to know what he's talking about.

He wants to give me injections from the pituitary glands of female beavers.

He says it'll help my career.

What do you think?

You're Mr. Lew, right? Are you in charge here? Yeah. Listen, we need to talk.

This isn't a good place to talk.

I am really worried about Daddy. I haven't seen or heard from him in two

I'm sure he's fine.

But I need money.

Can't Candy write you a check on her account? Oh, you gotta be kidding. She

wouldn't give me a nickel.

And she's been acting really weird lately, too. All snotty and superior.

You don't think she did something to Daddy, do you?

Candy?

No, wait. She couldn't hurt a fly.

Ew, this dummy smells like shit.

This film's not in smell -o -rama, is it? Oh, no, no. But I guess you could

this is full of shit.

Um, actually, it's just a dummy full of, uh, Jalignite, the smelly explosive.

Look, he can't just come in here. You LaRod? No.

Then shut up. I'm Lou LaRod.

Our boss wants to talk to you. Who's your boss? Who?

Stefan Stangulian.

Isn't that a hot laconic song?

Listen, LaRod.

Our boss is a friend of your boss.

And your boss would want you to come talk to our boss.

So you're going to come easy or painful?

You don't come to the set and make threats.

How's it going to be?

Gee, the Stangulian sounds fascinating. I can't wait to meet him.

I'm calling the police. No, just, I'll be okay. Just don't fall behind

Keep shooting.

All right, now do that one again there.

Yeah, that's good, that's good. I'll tell you what, do that Hans and Franz

thing, you know, where your arms shape an O like that. Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's good. Oh, that's good.

That's really, that's it, that's nice.

Oh, that is really nice.

Huh?

Oh, hey.

Hey, that was quick. You must be Lou LaRod, huh? Really glad you've come,

You must be. Yeah, I'm Gersh. Gersh Steffenstein, Gullion.

Lou. Why don't you come over here and sit down? Come on.

Yeah.

Yeah. Put it there, Lou. Put it there.

Yeah, one of the real pleasures of my life, Lou, is meeting new people.

When you run out of people to meet, you just sign up for some new ones.

Yeah.

Sabina, would you please offer our guest the California sparkling water?

Can I tell you, Louis, I love L .A.

And it happens every time, too.

I mean, just look at these things.

Sometimes I think I should maybe move my operations out here, you know, but I

don't know.

Deep at heart, I think I'm just a Midwest type of guy.

Oh, really?

I'm from the Midwest myself.

Yes.

I know.

Bloomington, Indiana.

over my face.

Well, when someone catches my attention, Lewis, I like to learn as much about

them as I can. You know, it sort of gives me that extra edge, if you know

mean.

Mr. Stanglian?

Gersh.

Gersh.

Well, that's getting pussy.

What's this all about?

Well, I think you know, Lewis.

I do?

Okay, okay, I'll buy a timeshare. Just give me my toaster and let me get out of

here. You want us to stall him now?

I hate when I have to act a stereotypical mobster.

Where is King Faraday?

He's in Chicago visiting his investors.

No.

No? No, I am his Chicago vet.

Now, he owes me a great amount of money at 80 % interest, Louis.

He fairly finances his movies with loan shark money? Please, please.

I prefer to consider myself the lender of last resort.

And you have killed my best customer, Louis.

Oh, wait a minute.

Candy put you up to it?

That's right.

That's right. I know all about Candy.

Candy's been trying to pull this game out with different guys ever since she

married King.

Never thought you'd find anyone stupid enough to throw in with her.

Until you.

No, wait a minute.

If King Faraday isn't in Chicago with his investors, then I don't know what's

going on.

But you're beginning to catch on, aren't you, Lou?

You know, when people lie to me...

I don't have my grip on children.

But, I don't know, maybe you are telling me the truth.

I always like to look on the good side of things for as long as I can.

But, when I do find out the truth, I mean, I just can't have people running

around killing my golden geese, can I?

I just have to kill somebody.

You okay?

Oh, yeah.

Turns out this Dungoolian guy is just a reporter for Premier Magazine.

I'm feeling kind of queasy.

Hey, Luke.

Are you okay?

Listen, I can't talk now.

I have to go.

You look terrible. Something bad's happened, hasn't it?

Yeah.

But I can't talk about it.

I gotta go.

If there's anything I can do, just let me know.

I think you're getting all upset over nothing.

Nothing?

As soon as this guy finds out the king isn't coming back, he's going to kill

Maybe you should go into hiding.

Yeah, right.

Leave you with king's money and me out with a contract on my life. No thanks.

You know, it's too bad he didn't mention what he's going to do to you.

He's had his eye on you for some time, did you know that?

And he also told me that you've been trying to get other guys to do this

me. A lot of other guys.

How do you know that?

I'd like to meet this Mr.

Sangoon.

Gosh, is that French?

This guy is not a potential new boyfriend. This guy is mafia.

Now, if we don't stick together on this, we're going to wind up as part of the

concrete foundation of a union headquarters.

How do you think that...

Deborah Winger and Meryl Streep got to be where they are.

Not with beaver injections.

How do you know?

Phoebe, I need to talk to you alone.

Sure.

Brother Ron, would you mind leaving for a few minutes?

I'll send my mind out of the room.

No, leave in person and take your mind with you.

You can't break the psychic link between us.

Anything he tells you will just be downloaded into my brain.

I learned that from my dog trainer.

What's up?

You asked me if I needed help?

Uh -huh.

Well, how far are you willing to go?

Why? Who'd you kill?

For a second, I didn't recognize him because he wasn't yelling.

Oh, I guess you weren't kidding.

And I swear to you, he died of natural causes.

But nobody's going to believe that now.

Stangoolian sure won't. I assume you have a plan?

If King is found dead, or even if he's just disappeared, Stangoolian's going to

call it murder and nail me for it.

Unless... Unless what?

Unless Stangoolian thinks that he's the one who killed King.

I have a scheme, but I can't pull it off alone.

Sounds like fun.

Before applying the plaster, make sure that your subject is relaxed and

comfortable.

Check.

Draws up the nose so he can breathe.

I guess we can skip that.

It's ready.

You know, it would have been smarter to bring Mitch in on this instead of me.

I guess I'm just a romantic at heart.

So are you gonna do this? You bet.

Smear away.

Yeah?

Hey, you chicken shit bastard.

Try saying that to my... Oh, wait.

Hey, boss.

I think it's King. He sounds like he's been drinking for days.

King?

Is that you, King?

Well, you limp weenie.

I got a favor to ask you. It's kind of personal.

I want you to nip the warts off my fat behind.

Can you do that for me, old pal? You think you can handle that?

Yes.

I think I can do something about your warty behind, King.

But not over the phone.

Where are you, King?

Don't tell yourself short, King.

You're pretty dumb.

You know, buddy, I've been doing a lot of drinking.

And I've been doing a lot of thinking.

You know what I'm thinking now? I don't owe you a goddamn cent.

Are you Welshing on your loans?

It's time us law -abiding citizens started standing up to cheap boys like

I'm losing my cheerfulness.

King, you cheap Hollywood sleazeball. When I find you... You're not gonna find

me, you mafia reject.

As soon as I leave this soundstage, I'm going far, far... Oh,

Nelly. I must have got some bad bourbon.

Oh, Mr.

Lister. No, no way. I mean, you never leave this car behind.

Something is not right.

I got you covered, asshole. Drop your gun.

I said drop them or you're dead meat.

I'm warning you, King.

You are messing with my good humor.

Oh, that sounds real goddamn scary coming from the asshole that just walked

my trap.

Listen, what do you think you're doing?

I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm wiping you off my ass for good.

Look, calm down, King, huh?

Why don't we talk this thing out?

Talk is over, pal.

It's shooting time.

Hey!

Don't let that bastard get away!

Don't wait for me, you idiot! I've been...

SHUT UP!

This is Steve Gubbing with the Channel 4 Headline News, Rick. This just in.

Murder in Tinseltown.

Prolific B -movie producer King Faraday was blown up in his Rolls Royce early

this morning in what police are calling a mob -style hit.

More on this and other breaking stories on the Channel 4 News at 5.

Wait a second.

Mr. Stangellion would like to talk to you.

Looks like I owe you an apology, huh?

Hey, no, really.

No, that's okay. Listen, I can't stop the chat now.

I have to get on back to Chicago.

But I got a business proposition for you, Lewis.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I'm thinking of moving my operations out here permanently, getting

the loan sharking business and maybe producing movies.

Really? I got a bunch of fives, tens, twenties lying around.

You think maybe you could finance a slate of films with six tons of small

Sure. Great.

Great. Well, listen, we'll talk some more when I get back on my feet. Listen,

how are you getting along with my evil twin?

I'm sorry?

My twin. My twin brother, Steve.

Come on, you know who that is. I mean, he speaks very highly of you, has a lot

of complimentary remarks about you.

Our Steve?

Steve Steinway?

That's right, Steve Steinway. Yeah, he had to change his name when he went into

show business, you know?

Family. The man did it.

Anyway, he was always the black sheep of the family.

He never really fit in back at the complex, no.

Hey, he is a dynamite actor.

That's what King always used to say.

King.

Yeah, that King, huh?

You know, he was really a pain in the ass King, but... Pain in the ass, get

Pain in the ass.

Yeah,

but he always had a real good taste for acting.

I'm glad to see that you do, too.

It's called Hell Babe, and it's about this alien creature that comes to Earth

the form of a Hollywood sex bomb to entrap men and destroy them.

Oh, gee, I don't know. That sounds like a downer.

Well, it's played for laughs.

Candy, let's find that thing.

How? You're going to hide me. Hide you from what? From her.

Candy, there you are, you naughty girl.

What's going on here?

Candy, give me the key.

I won't. What is this?

I'm selling the T -Bird.

I don't think it's right for a widow to be driving a car like that.

She's just doing it because she hates me.

Oh, now, Mother, you know I don't hate you.

I'm just trying to look out for you in your declining years. You can't have my

car.

You know, all your clothes are at my house.

A lot of hard -to -replace ensembles.

If you don't give me those keys, I might just decide you need a whole new look.

Tacky, maybe.

Do something, Louis. Oh, no, no way. This is between you and Lola. Family

matter. I'm out of this completely.

Give me the keys.

Or would you rather I arrange a nice pink...

Bonfire. Candy.

Candy, I've got people out there waiting for me.

She's mean. She makes me do housework.

Well, you're living in her home on her money.

It's my money. I don't care what any old will says.

Even if the lawyer said I can't write checks or have credit cards anymore,

my money. I earned it.

Did you know she had me on an allowance?

Well, you're a big girl. Why don't you move out?

I'd be homeless.

We have to kill her.

Goodbye, Candy.

You know, I know things that you'd want to keep a secret.

Anything you know that could hurt me would hurt you just as bad.

That depends who I tell.

Gersh Stefan Steingullion, for instance.

I bet he'd be interested to know that King died three whole days before he got

blown up.

Uh, the guys had to leave.

They said we could meet later for drinks.

So, Candy, what's cooking?

Think about what I said.

Human again, huh?

She's got murder on the brain.

She could get us killed.

Too bad she doesn't have a heart condition.

Louie, we have got to get rid of her.

Oh, it's back to Louie.

Bye -bye.

Bye.